Long distance ex, in contact for last 6 years... why?

[Hollyj]

What is it?

 

An unhealthy dependence. Friendships and loving relationships do not have so much drama and uncertainty.

 

OP, you can't change him, but you can change you. I strongly suggest that you reread this thread and other threads that you have posted and look at your patterns. Your are repeating them from relationship to relationship, because you have not dealt with deep down trust and dependence issues. Focus on you, and lose this relationship, as it feeds into the dynamic.

[Hermes]

It is called obsession, Sweet.

"Obsessive Love disorder".

 

For heaven's sakes Sweet.. No one said you were "psycho" (whatever that means in your mind) or "crazy", but you sure do need help, beyond what we can provide here.

 

"What a waste of life"

 

"When intense (obsessions), our thoughts are laser-focused on our obsession. As with compulsions, they operate outside our conscious control and rarely abate with reasoning.

 

Obsessions can possess our mind. Our thoughts race or run in circles, feeding incessant worry, fantasy or a search for answers. They can take over our life, so that we lose hours, sleep, or even days or weeks of enjoyment and productive activity.

 

Obsessions can paralyze us. "

 

 

[RainyCoast]

but we also said any other girl would not get him to commit. would she be as "unworthy" as you are?

 

 

are there other ways of knowing we are worthy?

 

do we need to be worthy at all? maybe i'm all kinds of crap. does that make me undeservig of love?

[Hollyj]

Am I like some major psycho? That would make him one too then right?

 

You are still avoiding the issue. Deal with you and lose him.

[sweetheartc314]

He needs help too

[Hollyj]

We are talking about YOU. NOT HIM! He is not on here.

 

We are going in circles, here. You do not want to address your own issues.

 

Good luck!!!

[RainyCoast]

people waste decades unappreciated, and some take their "unworthy" persona to the grave. you're no crazy psycho. you're looking to have needs met, and now that you've seen your usual way to go about it hasn't been fruitful, you can start thinking about new ones.

 

it's a symbiotic relationship. entire families live in unhealthy fusion, and there is no shortage of enmeshed couples.

 

it's not psycho. but when it stops being satisfying, you want to start looking for alternatives.

[Hermes]

As Holly just said:

 

"We are talking about YOU. NOT HIM! He is not on here.

 

We are going in circles, here. You do not want to address your own issues.

"

 

Absolutely Holly.

 

What a fixation!!!

[sweetheartc314]

people waste decades unappreciated, and some take their "unworthy" persona to the grave. you're no crazy psycho. you're looking to have needs met, and now that you've seen your usual way to go about it hasn't been fruitful, you can start thinking about new ones.

 

it's a symbiotic relationship. entire families live in unhealthy fusion, and there is no shortage of enmeshed couples.

 

it's not psycho. but when it stops being satisfying, you want to start looking for alternatives.

 

Thank you again, I'm responding to what you are telling me.

[reinventmyself]

I know what iM getting out of it, a person who is Always there,

 

But he's not there for you and he never has been. Not in a trusted, consistent way.

He winds you up and runs away.

Why do you participate in this nonsense?

[Hermes]

OP said

 

" a loner, drifter type... and also very non-commital. and I'm the type who lashes out, highly emotional, and more confrontational about everything".

 

Sounds just great.

[Hollyj]

OP said

 

" a loner, drifter type... and also very non-commital. and I'm the type who lashes out, highly emotional, and more confrontational about everything".

 

Sounds just great.

 

It's perfect! It keeps her from dealing with her own issues.

[katrina1980]

 

I think I just want to believe he does love me, as I can't logically understand why he would keep this up as well... does this make sense?

 

that's the part I'm struggling with... I talk to him because I love him, he talks to me.... because..... _____ ?

 

 

Have you ever asked HIM this question? If not, why not?

 

I mean six years, he has helped you through some serious issues in your life. And you can't ask him what HE is getting from all this?

 

I won't speculate cuz, I am not him, and as such have no idea what he's thinking.

 

He could be playing you for kicks, enjoys the attention, it's an ego trip, the list goes on.

 

He may also just be a huge commitment-phobe, who develops these on-line connections to satisfy the emotional void, without having to commit, which is what they fear.

 

What do you guys talk about? Are you playful with each other? Make each other laugh? In addition to the day-to-day stuff?

 

Anyway, I would suggest, since you are really struggling for answers as to why he's still doing this, after six years, I would suggest you ask HIM.

 

He has been 100% honest with you about everything else, there is no reason why he would not be just as honest when you ask him this too.

[reinventmyself]

Most of your questions and curiosity are directed at him.

It's this very thing that keeps you hooked. Instead of looking at him as some complicated puzzle piece you need to stop, listen and watch what he does and the things he does tell you.

It's not that complicated, really.

 

He does it because he can. He yanks your chain and treats you like a part time toy, because you let him.

He tells you what he wants and doesn't want and most of all, after 6 years. . he.is.not.with.you.

That's it. . Mystery solved.

 

I think you trying to unravel this is an attempt to rewrite the ending so it's something you want to hear.

All the while you are missing the obvious.

 

Take all that energy you waste on him and use it for yourself.

 

You say - you don't do well with loss or endings.

That is life and part of being an adult

[sweetheartc314]

Have you ever asked HIM this question? If not, why not?

 

I mean six years, he has helped you through some serious issues in your life. And you can't ask him what HE is getting from all this?

 

I won't speculate cuz, I am not him, and as such have no idea what he's thinking.

 

He could be playing you for kicks, enjoys the attention, it's an ego trip, the list goes on.

 

He may also just be a huge commitment-phobe, who develops these on-line connections to satisfy the emotional void, without having to commit, which is what they fear.

 

What do you guys talk about? Are you playful with each other? Make each other laugh? In addition to the day-to-day stuff?

 

Anyway, I would suggest, since you are really struggling for answers as to why he's still doing this, after six years, I would suggest you ask HIM.

 

He has been 100% honest with you about everything else, there is no reason why he would not be just as honest when you ask him this too.

 

 

I have asked, indeed. Prior to posting I have sent him this message:

 

"We live in different countries, and a part of the frustration I have been feeling, is because I know why I continue to speak/reach out to you, because I have genuine feelings for you that have not gone away, but I don't understand why you continue speaking to me after all this time. Do you know why you keep talking to me? I'm just searching for honest answers, just to make sense of the last 6 years of my life, that we have been in contact with each other. It is a long time? Is it boredom, validation, feelings, no feelings, fix things, possibility of sex, vacation partner, etc? When you have an answer for me let me know. I am trying to make sense of my life......"

 

There is a bit more on top of that, but of course I've asked. He's seen the message, but has not responded.

 

I am well aware the part I have played, I take responsibility, I know it's unhealthy, so that's why I am seeking answers, I understand the whole "don't worry about him, worry about you". But there's two people involved, and again I want to understand everything as a whole...... and I don't know why people see that as some huge problem....

 

 

And our communication can be deep, or playful... lately it's been pretty much deep, and me opening up to him about some things I've been going through, but sometimes just normal playful stuff, i don't know. I don't think he's a bad person, I just think he might also genuinely be struggling as well? Maybe he doesn't even know himself why this has been going on, I don't know. My original post is in regards to understanding the entire situation as a whole.

[sweetheartc314]

 

I think you trying to unravel this is an attempt to rewrite the ending so it's something you want to hear.

All the while you are missing the obvious.

 

Could be true, and

I have never been the type to notice the obvious.

[Hermes]

Quit playing games, Sweet.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it's not his job to "make sense of your life"

Do you know why you keep talking to me? I'm just searching for honest answers, just to make sense of the last 6 years of my life, that we have been in contact with each other. It is a long time? Is it boredom, validation, feelings, no feelings, fix things, possibility of sex, vacation partner, etc? When you have an answer for me let me know. I am trying to make sense of my life......"

[sweetheartc314]

I wish I knew what you are referencing. I'm confused as to the games you are referencing, as I'm here, a human being going through something profoundly confusing, and asking questions and looking for solutions.

[sweetheartc314]

He's been a part of it though. There is no reason he cannot answer the question. And own up to the part he has played

[sweetheartc314]

Unfortunately it's not his job to "make sense of your life"

 

 

 

He's been a part of it though. There is no reason he cannot answer the question. And own up to the part he has played

[boltnrun]

He's been a part of it though. There is no reason he cannot answer the question. And own up to the part he has played

 

But he's choosing not to.

 

Insisting you must hold on until you get answers from him is just an excuse to keep this non-relationship going.

[sweetheartc314]

But he's choosing not to.

 

Insisting you must hold on until you get answers from him is just an excuse to keep this non-relationship going.

 

I asked this morning

[boltnrun]

I asked this morning

 

Has he responded?

[sweetheartc314]

Has he responded?

 

Nope. But atleast give him a chance to pull his thoughts together, he's not the quickest guy with expressing feelings.

Most men are not? Also in two different time zones, my morning, is his night.

 

I would atleast give him a day or so, ive been pretty overwhelming the last few weeks. Truthfully, I've been hitting him with some really intense stuff. I don't mind to give a day or so to collect his thoughts.

 

Atleast by then I can say, he just did not respond.

 

Based on our overall knowing eachother, im sure he will come back with something once he processes his thoughts,

 

And if not... then we can all just say he's a jerk.