Long distance ex, in contact for last 6 years... why?

[reinventmyself]

My guess is he will say just enough to keep you going, but not enough to follow through

[Hermes]

OP asked

 

"What does anyone make of this situation? Can anyone help?"

 

From where I am looking you just love the drama-rama of it all.

[sweetheartc314]

My guess is he will say just enough to keep you going, but not enough to follow through

 

I guess we'll see.

 

I asked him before coming here.... and I've just come to get some outside perspectives that's all. I know it's a weird situation, but obviously I'm just trying to sort it all out by any means. Whether it's asking him, or just asking others.....

 

I definitely know it needs to end, and it more than likely won't end the way I want it to... but it doesn't hurt to try to understand him as well. I don't see the issue with that.

[sweetheartc314]

------------- below

[sweetheartc314]

OP asked

 

"What does anyone make of this situation? Can anyone help?"

 

From where I am looking you just love the drama-rama of it all.

 

I think I just have a genuine love and appreciation for him, and just want to get to the bottom of why we have been going around in circles for 6 years. He's the first man I slept with. He has a place in my heart that obviously it is difficult to let go. I know my part, I don't know his.

[katrina1980]

 

I have asked, indeed.

 

He's seen the message, but has not responded.

 

 

Well his 'no response' actually IS his response and it's not good.

 

He won't lie and tell you he has feelings for you too, or anything else to misled you.... so he says nothing.

 

Walk away. Just tell him it isn't working for you anymore, bye.

 

Then block, delete and move on.

 

Nothing good will ever become of this.

 

Sorry.

[sweetheartc314]

Well his 'no response' actually IS his response and it's not good.

 

He won't lie and tell you he has feelings for you too, or anything else to misled you.... so he says nothing.

 

Walk away. Just tell him it isn't working for you anymore, bye.

 

Then block, delete and move on.

 

Nothing good will ever become of this.

 

Sorry.

 

I believe you

[katrina1980]

I think I just have a genuine love and appreciation for him, and just want to get to the bottom of why we have been going around in circles for 6 years. He's the first man I slept with. He has a place in my heart that obviously it is difficult to let go.

 

I know my part, I don't know his.

 

Yes you DO know his, you just don't want to admit it to yourself. It's called denial and it's very powerful.

 

I am not gonna judge you for it cuz I have been there as well. A few times actually.

 

But hun, you are living in never-never land.

 

You need to book the next flight out.

[sweetheartc314]

Not the first time I've been here

[jennylove]

I mean, if you guys have stayed in touch all of these years, he has to have feeling for you in my opinion, but who knows. It's funny because I actually know someone with a very similar story. They dated years ago, but had to break due to the distance. But they've stayed in touch for 5-6 years now, still texting or calling often and still saying they love and miss eachother despite both of them being in longterm relationships at this point. I don't get it. If you feel that you love him, tell him so. If he can't offer you a relationship, cut him off and offer him nothing. If he says he doesn't want you, believe him.

[reinventmyself]

I think I just have a genuine love and appreciation for him, and just want to get to the bottom of why we have been going around in circles for 6 years. He's the first man I slept with. He has a place in my heart that obviously it is difficult to let go. I know my part, I don't know his.

 

I think this is where you get tripped up. You don't really understand your part at all.

You don't understand your motivation as why you are addicted to this person. In fact you are in denial about it.

This is the key to understanding this and breaking free. Trying to figure him out is pointless and won't help you understand.

[sweetheartc314]

I mean, if you guys have stayed in touch all of these years, he has to have feeling for you in my opinion, but who knows. It's funny because I actually know someone with a very similar story. They dated years ago, but had to break due to the distance. But they've stayed in touch for 5-6 years now, still texting or calling often and still saying they love and miss eachother despite both of them being in longterm relationships at this point. I don't get it. If you feel that you love him, tell him so. If he can't offer you a relationship, cut him off and offer him nothing. If he says he doesn't want you, believe him.

 

 

He knows how I feel, as I've told him. And he's told me that he knows.

 

He says he felt for me when we were together, and that's why he had to cut me off in the past?

He says When he starts developing feelings, he says he runs away.. yet he also says he doesn't think we will be together as a family. ( I don't think he will be with *anyone* as a family.) This is the information I have been given previously. And none of it is anything I understand

[reinventmyself]

He knows how I feel, as I've told him. And he's told me that he knows.

 

He says he felt for me when we were together, and that's why he had to cut me off in the past?

He says When he starts developing feelings, he says he runs away.. yet he also says he doesn't think we will be together as a family. ( I don't think he will be with *anyone* as a family.) This is the information I have been given previously. And none of it is anything I understand

 

This all you need to know.

He can not be in an intimate relationship. . .period.

He said so and his actions more than support it.

I don't what else there is you need to understand.

 

other than `why' he can't. That's between him and his therapist.

[Hermes]

Indeed.

 

"I don't what else there is you need to understand.

"

[sweetheartc314]

I think this is where you get tripped up. You don't really understand your part at all.

You don't understand your motivation as why you are addicted to this person. In fact you are in denial about it.

This is the key to understanding this and breaking free. Trying to figure him out is pointless and won't help you understand.

 

 

 

I was addicted to him when I first met him. He was my first! How do you feel about your first?

 

There are qualities I appreciate in him such as his gentle nature, and tolerance level of my emotional instability lol. I am working on myself, but he's the only person I met who seems to get me, or understands me. It's not something you find everyday? I hAvnt found it in all the others,

 

I Can't marry him, I can't have kids with him, he won't stick around! I'm pretty sure of it, yet I still pursue it. I don't get it myself. Love is love i guess. I feel even if I find someone else, I'll still have the biggest soft spot for him... my feelings have never lessened after all this time,

 

With all my exes, there is no contact, and really no feeling, but with him it's different . But could be just one sided, which is no good I don't know

 

Now I'm just getting more confused

[jennylove]

Yup.

 

And it's not your job to figure out why he's like this. Move on. He's choosing to live his life lusting after someone behind a phone. Please choose your life as someone who has a real relationship with someone you do real things with, like, family gathering, dinner, sleepovers, sex, etc.

[Hermes]

Love is love i guess.

 

It isn't love, S.

 

again this is what it is:

 

Obsession.

A disorder.

 

"When intense (obsessions), our thoughts are laser-focused on our obsession. As with compulsions, they operate outside our conscious control and rarely abate with reasoning.

 

Obsessions can possess our mind. Our thoughts race or run in circles, feeding incessant worry, fantasy or a search for answers. They can take over our life, so that we lose hours, sleep, or even days or weeks of enjoyment and productive activity.

 

Obsessions can paralyze us. "

 

 

 

 

OP says:

 

"I was addicted to him when I first met him."

[jennylove]

I think Hermes is right

[sweetheartc314]

This all you need to know.

He can not be in an intimate relationship. . .period.

He said so and his actions more than support it.

I don't what else there is you need to understand.

 

other than `why' he can't. That's between him and his therapist.

 

.....Sucks.....

[reinventmyself]

Your emotions are a choice. First comes a thought then there is the emotion you assign to it.

It isn't something mysterious that happens outside of you.

Change the way you think about him and stop reinforcing and assigning all these romantic, wonderful qualities that he hasn't deserved.

 

With this I am out. .

I don't see you letting go the way you insist you really want to.

Good luck.

[sweetheartc314]

Love is love i guess.

 

It isn't love, S.

 

again this is what it is:

 

Obsession.

A disorder.

 

"When intense (obsessions), our thoughts are laser-focused on our obsession. As with compulsions, they operate outside our conscious control and rarely abate with reasoning.

 

Obsessions can possess our mind. Our thoughts race or run in circles, feeding incessant worry, fantasy or a search for answers. They can take over our life, so that we lose hours, sleep, or even days or weeks of enjoyment and productive activity.

 

Obsessions can paralyze us. "

 

 

 

Guess we are both guilty. Hope it all works out for the both of us.

[sweetheartc314]

Love is love i guess.

 

It isn't love, S.

 

again this is what it is:

 

Obsession.

A disorder.

 

"When intense (obsessions), our thoughts are laser-focused on our obsession. As with compulsions, they operate outside our conscious control and rarely abate with reasoning.

 

Obsessions can possess our mind. Our thoughts race or run in circles, feeding incessant worry, fantasy or a search for answers. They can take over our life, so that we lose hours, sleep, or even days or weeks of enjoyment and productive activity.

 

Obsessions can paralyze us. "

 

 

 

 

OP says:

 

"I was addicted to him when I first met him."

 

 

 

 

 

It's like we rotate our obsessiveness either it's me, or it's him... once we texted each other for 10 hours straight. Like even after this I was like... who does this. Maybe we are just addicted to eachother. He has some addictive traits, as do I.... it really does sound really messy,

 

Sometimes I am able to view the situation more logically.

[sweetheartc314]

I feel like I'm emotionally immature I have no idea what romantic love is, or what it is supposed to be. All of my experiences have been so negative, I genuinely need to seek counseling. Just don't have the funds right now

[Hermes]

You really need to seek help, S. Are you working? Is there no way you could get some pro bono therapy? Maybe there is some voluntary organization which could offer you help?

[sweetheartc314]

If I'm seeking counseling, I would want to seek the best I could find. I wouldn't want to just go to anyone, and end up worst than I started... my fincancial situation isn't the best, but will see what options I have

 

It's so sad so many people telling you to get help

 

I've been this way for a while, it makes me so self conscious if others see how ill I possibly am?

 

Is it this bad?

 

If it is please let me know, maybe I'm just in this whole warped reality, and just not like normal. I really don't know