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Long distance ex, in contact for last 6 years... why?

sweetheartc314

By sweetheartc314
in Relationship Advice

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sweetheartc314 Apprentice

sweetheartc314

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but you rely on him for some kind of need to be met, and you believe noone else would meet it quite so well. i believe that isn't true. i also believe he leaves you high and dry on some many other needs that it's a waste of time. but i speculate you have phases when you find yourself without a support system, and that's when he makes himself available, because there's something in it for him (the all benefits no responsibility type pseudo-relationship).

 

 

I think I do. Could be lots of truth in all of that.

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sweetheartc314 Apprentice

sweetheartc314

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i'm not telling you to cut him off because i'm hearing that you'll find yourself with noone to place an emotional investment into. i would however look for a trained transitional person. people factually can't just sail through hard times on their own while feeling well. the need for support and mutual trust and shared self-disclosure is a normal and healthy one. but it hurts if one can only have it met if they feel like they've bartered their need for stability and a shared future for it.

 

this arrangement feeds on your fear that you'll find yourself in hard times without a strong other to rely on.

 

Thank you.

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RainyCoast Veteran

RainyCoast

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stay here OP.

 

what happens in your life when you have noone to rely on? what areas do you feel you're least able to deal on your own? if you wore a badge that told people on the street the most embarassing weakness/failure of yours what would it say?

 

the thing is when confronting life without someone else beside you is scary that is basically saying i fear having to be in control. an extension of that is " because i am inept at x,y,z".

 

if you can get some empowerment and support for that, you'd probably feel less dependent on him.

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Hermes Collaborator

Hermes

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You said OP.

 

"But there is love here.... on my end... it's just weird... even if he didn't feel the same for me, I would still love him. Even if he found happiness with another woman, I would still love him"

 

As Holly just said: a nowhere relationship

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sweetheartc314 Apprentice

sweetheartc314

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Men have emotions, too.

 

You are choosing to keep yourself stuck, in a nowhere relationship. This is your choice.

 

I know for the most part why I have been stuck, is there something wrong with wanting to know his part in this as well? That's the reason I posted, obviously I know something is wrong with my attachment to the situation, but what is so wrong with my curiosity

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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I'm just feeling really bad about the whole thing. Deep down you just hope there's something there.... that's how things like this happen and people get sucked into stuff like this.

 

Atleast I know the man. Atleast we've been together.

 

I feel like some catfish victim with some of these responses.

 

The problem is, is that you see yourself as a victim. You are not. He has told you that there is no future, yet you continue with the fantasy that things will change. You must acknowledge your complicity in this,

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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I know for the most part why I have been stuck, is there something wrong with wanting to know his part in this as well? That's the reason I posted, obviously I know something is wrong with my attachment to the situation, but what is so wrong with my curiosity

 

he has told you and showed you. You are not listening.

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sweetheartc314 Apprentice

sweetheartc314

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stay here OP.

 

what happens in your life when you have noone to rely on? what areas do you feel you're least able to deal on your own? if you wore a badge that told people on the street the most embarassing weakness/failure of yours what would it say?

 

the thing is when confronting life without someone else beside you is scary that is basically saying i fear having to be in control. an extension of that is " because i am inept at x,y,z".

 

if you can get some empowerment and support for that, you'd probably feel less dependent on him.

 

 

When I have no one else to rely on I go to him, and he is there.

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Hermes Collaborator

Hermes

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I give up too.

 

Are you on a desert island Sweet?. Absolutely no other people around you? And then of course there is that best friend: yourself. Learn to be self-reliant.

 

He laid it on the line but you refuse to see it.

 

"but then he tells me there won't be a future... so I just get lost. I just think six years is such a lonnnnnnng time, for there to be nothing beneath the surface".

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RainyCoast Veteran

RainyCoast

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When I have no one else to rely on I go to him, and he is there.

 

and then you're disappointed because he won't commit.

 

wanting to understand his part might mean wanting to know whether you mean anything to him at all or whether you're just played. but both can be true. he won't commit, and when sex is off the table, he'll arrange for it back. he keeps some substance in the relationship so he must have some feelings for you, but he isn't someone who invests them. he wants his needs gratified, but isn't interested in building anything with them. lots of guys would offer more. maybe you don't trust that guys willing to offer more would want to be with you.

 

wanting to know we mean something to others is wanting proof of our worth.

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sweetheartc314 Apprentice

sweetheartc314

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and then you're disappointed because he won't commit.

 

wanting to understand his part might mean wanting to know whether you mean anything to him at all or whether you're just played. but both can be true. he won't commit, and when sex is off the table, he'll arrange for it back. he must have some feelings for you, but he isn't someone who invests them. he wants his needs gratified, but isn't interested in building anything with them. lots of guys would offer more. maybe you don't trust that guys willing to offer more would want to be with you.

 

wanting to know we mean something to others is wanting proof of our worth.

 

I think you are understanding me the most.

That's been the 6 year long argument and question, what is my worth to him. That's all. I've been wanting to know....

I know it isn't healthy, that's why I'm here. I know my part... but the original post was just trying to figure out why he's been a part of it as well, as I couldn't get answers from him.

 

That's all.

 

Then people tell me to focus on myself, of course I will... but I don't find it wrong to try to work out both sides of a situation....

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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You are not a victim of anything except your own imagination and refusing to move on. A proactive approach is to block him and go no contact so you can heal and date local guys who are interested in you, rather than leaving a perpetual void and vulnerability to this..

 

Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? it may have some good tips and info regarding identifying the interested guys from the time wasters.

Deep down you just hope there's something there.... and people get sucked into stuff like this
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