How much should I tell someone about my past?

[Rogue31]

Hey everyone. So I'm new to this site and I'm hoping someone here can help me. I have a pretty colorful past so to speak. I've been married, It didn't work out so we got an annulment. He was verbally abusive, cheated on me and we were both alcoholics. I've slept with a few more people than I like to admit. I have a lot of issues when it comes to trust. that's me in a nutshell.

 

I have since turned my life around and forgiven myself for all these things. I've only dated one person since all of this and I told him everything about my past and he turned around and threw it back in face after we broke up. That caused me to relapse on my drinking for about a month or two. I'm back on track with everything again. I'm talking to a new person that I enjoy talking to. I told him I was married before and that bothered him a little, he's not sure how he feels about it. my question is, how much of my past should I share with someone new? I don't think any of it really matters anymore because that is who I was, not who I am now. I am a person that doesn't need to know past details of someones life. I also think maybe I should I go ahead and cut the new guy loose because if he already thinks my past marriage was too much, how will he fell about everything else? any advice would be appreciated.

[Hermes]

Rogue.

 

My opinion is don't tell anyone anything. You don't have to.

If this man is upset merely because you were married before...well, what can I say.

I think you can tell someone if you were married before, but the details of your personal life are yours and yours alone.

[ThatwasThen]

Good for you for not drinking presently. I wonder; You are not in any form of treatment programme or AA for your alcoholism. If you were, you would know better then to blame someone else for your choice to start drinking again.

 

How long have you been without a drink?

 

If its less then two years and you not being in treatment or going to AA (correct me if I'm wrong) then I think you should be up front with whomever decides that they would like to get to know you romantically. Give them the informed decision as to whether or not they want to proceed with you when you have the disease.

 

Same thing goes with letting him know your mariatal status (divorced, separated, common law, single) They ask that question on dating profiles because its very important to some people.

 

Be up front and let him decide according his own boundaries. You have to be compatible in your sensibilities or it won't last anyway.

[gebaird]

I think relationships are better when both people can be open and honest, but telling the truth about yourself isn't something you want to do all at once. Start with small truths, and if those are received well then tell a little more. Don't share your whole story with someone who hasn't earned the right to hear it. Look for someone who honors you and feels as you do that your past is not as important as who you are now.

[Hermes]

Gebaird. One needs to be ultra-careful. As you say one can reveal certain stuff at a later date, as time goes on, as the relationship progresses. However, I strongly believe there are things in the past which are best left there.

[Matt3939]

Personally I don't want to know. I concentrate on our memeories. Who cares if you were married? Most people were at a certain age. As with the sexual partners. Go get tested if everything is in the clear then who cares. If not you should be open about what you have if it gets that far. Be prepared to tell the person the truth if they ask though but don't be ashamed of it. You shouldn't be anyway if you really are beyond it. I was with somone for 8 years she had alot more sexual partners then myself. That was never the problem of our breakup. Somone who cares about you will accept you.

[ParisPaulette]

I told him I was married before and that bothered him a little, he's not sure how he feels about it. my question is, how much of my past should I share with someone new?

 

If this guy is bothered by the fact you were married before then I think it's probably pretty smart if you don't tell him anything else and you move on and find someone else. Because that's weird given how many people get married and divorced every single day, it's not like there's a shame or stigma attached to that. If someone acts that way or makes you feel like that then that's a red flag this guy is already not accepting something that many would just shrug and say, "Oh, okay," or "Yeah, me too."

 

As to when you can tell someone else, well if you date someone for awhile and then have a relationship with them it's fine to mention things. Your drinking issues, those actually should be at the top of the list along with any information about what you're doing to control that. I would bring that up within a month or two of dating, depending on if it looks like there might be a relationship in the making.

 

The rest? Yeah, please don't tell someone how many partners you slept with--I see on these forums over and over that it just upsets one's partner if they are at all insecure or small-minded and it just never really gets back on track to have a good relationship from there. If the person you're dating is very sure of themselves, there's no red flags, and they bring it up first well maybe. But generally speaking that I hold with the whole "You do not need to know every dang detail about my life and my sex life before we met is absolutely not your business" unless there's say something you need to share like an STD or a child. Otherwise nope.

 

As to being married, a casual mention of it when again you move past the couple of dates realm is fine. You use it to gauge people that maybe have control or self-esteem issues or who are going to look down on you over something that is very normal. That's why I say you should treat this guy's reaction as a red flag and definitely do not share anything else with him. If he judges you for that he will very badly judge you on the rest.

 

As to your ex, well look here's the thing. When you go through any sort of breakup it can be very heated and nasty. People say all sorts of mean things they wouldn't normally say, lashing out in anger. So I wouldn't take what your ex did and measure anyone else. You could choose not to tell a potential partner anything and they might very well still be nasty during a breakup, because that's just breakups and most of us do not handle that crap well.

 

Be watching for red flags before you decide to share anything regardless. Trust isn't something you simply hand out, because you like someone or they say you should. They need to earn it and you need to see that they can be trusted to begin with before you share. That should help you determine when or where or if and what you can or should share.

[Rogue31]

I apologize I you feel like I was blaming him, I suppose I didn't word it the best way. I was actually blaming myself for not using the resources/tools available to me at that time. I wasn't as strong in my sobriety then as I am now. I am in a recovery program and have developed new ways of coping with things. I now have been sober almost 3 years. I again, sorry for not wording it just right. Thank you for your reply.

[Hermes]

Endorse what Paulette says.

 

And don't open your heart to everyone and anyone. You are entitled to your privacy. Too much information is never a good thing.

 

Good luck

[j.man]

You are entitled to your privacy and in fact most healthy men would much greater appreciate your capacity to disclose when appropriate rather than unload your baggage all over the dinner table on your third night out with one another. It's much more a testament to being able to internally cope with the traumatic incidents of your past.

 

We are much more receptive to such past incidents being a part of your life when it comes as an aside rather than a warning.

 

Enjoy yourself.

[Sportster2005]

I actually get annoyed when women overshare their past relationships and conquests. I'm all for sexual freedom, but I don't need details.

 

Someone in AA would have better advice about sharing your recovery. Sponsor?

[ThatwasThen]

I apologize I you feel like I was blaming him, I suppose I didn't word it the best way. I was actually blaming myself for not using the resources/tools available to me at that time. I wasn't as strong in my sobriety then as I am now. I am in a recovery program and have developed new ways of coping with things. I now have been sober almost 3 years. I again, sorry for not wording it just right. Thank you for your reply.

Good to read, Rogue and congratulations on your sobriety.

 

If buddy is wanting someone that was never married then I'm sure he'll let you know. In this day and age, having not been married before is more rare then common once a certain age is reached so maybe he'll not worry too much about that. As far as your past lovers and your number of them... I don't think he needs to know that at all. I suspect that when you don't drink, and he does, he'll wonder about that and maybe even ask why you're not having one... then you can reveal what you are comfortable with while telling the truth.

 

Just like anything, one day at a time.

 

Good luck.

[Capricorn3]

I see no need for over sharing. I definitely don't need to know the number of past sex partners. I have no issue with someone being married/divorced before. BUT (for myself), I would want to know about any past/current issues with drugs or alcoholism. So, I don't kneed to know your FULL past history, but there are some small things I would appreciate being told.