JJ's Diary of Dating

[faraday]

I'm really glad that you're bombarding yourself with opportunities. I think it's a good strategy for those of us that invest too quickly (and I actually fall into this category as well...I had to set up strict boundaries for myself or else I would fall into my patterns of an insta-relationship, which often ended disastrously). It's not easy...and it feels inauthentic...but it's about protecting yourself...and being self aware can lead to new kinds of authenticity.

[John John]

She sounds like a winner, at least in how you've described her here. I'm definitely hoping something happens with her, not gonna lie, lol

 

What are some other women you've got nibbling on your bait right now? (hehe)

 

Haha - my dad is almost more invested in this than I am. The thing with this girl is that she's just super ultra busy as a doctor. I do not believe this is a situation of "if she's interested in you, she'll make time." I think it's partially that, but 90% just that she has virtually no time. But hopefully now that she's living a lot closer to me and that (according to her) her schedule might improve starting in June...maybe things might have a chance to progress. But I'm not holding my breath or just focusing only on her.

 

One other girl I met in my new gym last week, and two others I met online. One girl from online (taller than me - holla) seems to really like me after one (very good) date. I'm just not that attracted to her, nothing to do with her height. Her face was just "meh" in person compared to her photos. But...she left me a really sweet voicemail last night...so I'm going to see her again just to make sure. Gym girl is out of town until this weekend...said she isn't a relationship kinda girl ,and I'm not sure she's my type for long-term...so it might be a mutual FWB thing (she's also local).

 

I'm really glad that you're bombarding yourself with opportunities. I think it's a good strategy for those of us that invest too quickly (and I actually fall into this category as well...I had to set up strict boundaries for myself or else I would fall into my patterns of an insta-relationship, which often ended disastrously). It's not easy...and it feels inauthentic...but it's about protecting yourself...and being self aware can lead to new kinds of authenticity.

 

You're totally right. It does feel inauthentic. But I have noticed it is a great defense mechanism. I had a great first date with a girl last week that I wanted to see again. She asked to extend the date twice so we kept hanging out, we kissed, etc....then she ignored me. I was upset for like 5 minutes and then just went on with my day thinking "I've got plenty of women hitting me up in my pipeline right now - this chick just lost out on JJ" and then I was fine 8)

 

You (and a few others on here) do give tough love faraday, but you're also very wise, and often spot on with your advice.

[Seraphim]

I am very sorry to hear about your mom .

[WithLove]

It's so good to (hear) you, JJ. Few men update their journals on here, and it's nice to get male perspectives on stuff.

 

Loving the fun that you're having with the ones you've mentioned. I like that you pretty much know very soon the ones that just aren't for you - and I like that, as long as they're amenable to it, you keep them as Friends. It's nice to know men can "have fun" without being douches about it!

[Sportster2005]

You have to stay now JJ, look at all the fans you have.

 

Sorry to hear about your mom

 

You're right. When someone wants to spend time with us they will make the time. I would consider the good Dr. making a phone call wanting to spend time with you.

 

Sounds like you're doing fantastic. Keep us posted. That's an order.

[John John]

You have to stay now JJ, look at all the fans you have.

 

Sorry to hear about your mom

 

You're right. When someone wants to spend time with us they will make the time. I would consider the good Dr. making a phone call wanting to spend time with you.

 

Sounds like you're doing fantastic. Keep us posted. That's an order.

 

Haha. Thank you Sportster. I appreciate the kind words. Your were tough on me a few months ago (like faraday and a few others), but I've reflected on it, and in many ways, you guys were right. I'm trying to use all of your words to point me in the direction of growth as a person and becoming even stronger than I already am.

 

As far as the "good doctor" (funny...my dad calls her that too)...here's the story...

 

We met a few days before my mom died. My dad called me to come to the hospital. I originally said no because I had already had my breakdown, and just didn't want to see my mom like that anymore. I couldn't take seeing her like that. But he insisted because he wanted to introduce me to a beautiful single doctor (he asked on my behalf, and she was single, and said to my dad "why can't I meet a man like you?"). I went back, pulled the curtains back, and there she was. She took her mask off...and she was indeed beautiful. She was sort of "petting" my mom, and I found that heartwarming, in a way. I emailed her that night ,and she gave me her number.

 

The week between Christmas and New Years, we hung out three times. The first two dates were just us (once lunch/coffee, then a nice dinner), and the third she invited me to her friends NYE party. Her friends all loved me, and once of her male friends even told me to "stick around." I saw her two more times in January, and we kept texting, but her schedule got worse (and she was off Christmas week, which is why we had three dates so early on). I got frustrated but tried to keep it in, and I did for the most part. I even got her a giftcard to use for a day in the spa to show her I was thinking of her, and she thanked me profusely. Then, in early February, she sort of flaked on me one day. We had tentative plans to hang out, and when I tried following up, she kept dodging my questions (or so it seemed), and then I sent two long text messages. They weren't mean, but probably still "too much" and I know that now.

 

Now after that, most women would have just blocked or ignored me. The second of those two texts was to apologize but also explain where I was coming from. A month went by, and I followed up with a short text. She said she'd get back to me. After a few days and she didn't, I sent another sort of mean (this time, it was) text ending with "enjoy your day at the spa." She responded immediately. I then asked to take our convo to phone, and we spoke for about 40 minutes (early March). She really explained just how horrible her schedule is, and that she only ignored those texts because she felt they were negative. I apologized again, and she seemed to understand where I was coming from, and said that she had "the utmost respect for me" and that she didn't see me as "the bad guy" (I said "Ok, I guess I'm the bad guy" when she walked me through just how hectic her schedule is). I asked over the phone if we could "reset" and she said yes. I also asked, her schedule aside, if she was still interested in getting to know me, and she also said yes to that, but warned that her schedule will not change until around mid June or so, maybe longer. I then tried to get her to use the giftcard I got her, and she said "get your money back so we can use it on something we can both enjoy in the future." I thought that was positive, but I still didn't get a refund, because I'm going to try and "re-offer" it to her at some point.

 

I still haven't seen this girl since late January. We continue to text and be on a phone call basis. She JUST moved to my neighborhood like a week ago. She also mentioned "family issues," so I know she's legit ultra busy. And I think after my semi-mean texts (although my family and friends still say they were justified, at the time, with the information I had) she needs a bit more time to really open up and make time (as little of it as she might have - and now I really believe her on this point) for me. My gut tells me that there is interest on her end...but with her schedule and just knowing her...I think it might take some more time. I'm really, really trying as hard as I can to be patient...but if I meet another woman I'm attracted to on all levels who feels the same about me and she's actually more available...well then...

[WithLove]

I think that you both have shown honest interest.... but that she just doesn't have the time - and isn't in the mindframe to make time. If she was, she'd do it. I think it's one of those rare times that you find someone that sparks something within you, but the timing is off for one or both.

 

I think that if you and her are meant to make time for each other, it'll happen. I don't think you should discount her, but definitely don't prioritize her at all. Treat her as an acquaintance at this point.

[LightWave93]

Ultimately, JJ, you've failed to address the most important of all things...

 

 

...when are you coming to see your UK brother?

[John John]

I think that you both have shown honest interest.... but that she just doesn't have the time - and isn't in the mindframe to make time. If she was, she'd do it. I think it's one of those rare times that you find someone that sparks something within you, but the timing is off for one or both.

 

I think that if you and her are meant to make time for each other, it'll happen. I don't think you should discount her, but definitely don't prioritize her at all. Treat her as an acquaintance at this point.

 

I think it's a combination of her truly being super ultra busy (she's not only a doctor, but does research and goes to conferences as well) and the "if she's interested, she'll make time" factor. We're in touch, but as I said, I'm still actively dating other women.

 

Ugh...typing that all up "got me" for some reason lol. Maybe I shouldn't talk about her on here much for now...

[John John]

Yeah I dunno...typing this all up about this girl just upset me. I feel like putting it all out here with her (and with other girls in the past, such as CMB girl) just makes me more excited than I really should allow myself to be. The only way to date nowadays is to have that protective barrier up. It's annoying and time consuming (and expensive) to have to date a bunch of people at once, but it's the only way nowadays.

 

I'm not sure about keeping this diary. Maybe I'll just update it from time to time. I have to stay focused on not letting flop dates and disappointments get to me. I still have to keep my guard up with this girl. Until she called me yesterday, I was about ready to drop her. I think maintaining this diary may hinder me more than help me...so I need to think it over as to if I want to continue or not.

 

I just have to keep living my life day by day and be kinder to myself. Yeah I'm single and there's definitely a stigma for being single at my age. But it is what it is. It's everyone else's problem if they're gonna judge me. There is nothing wrong with me and I'm not a bad person. I've just had terrible, terrible luck. And if I never meet anyone...for better or worse, I will make it through. The show must go on...the show will go on.

[reinventmyself]

As much as I would love to have you stay and participate. . We missed you!

Your mention of the actively putting things in writing may have given situations much more weight than they deserved.

Having all of us pounce on it added to that. It makes perfect sense to me.

 

Not giving it that much attention in your time away, as you describe has proven to feel better for you emotionally, then I support it.

 

How about you continue to participate, at least at giving advise? and keep the delicate things to yourself?

There is a lot more to talk about than flaky chicks, right?

[John John]

As much as I would love to have you stay and participate. . We missed you!

Your mention of the actively putting things in writing may have given situations much more weight than they deserved.

Having all of us pounce on it added to that. It makes perfect sense to me.

 

Not giving it that much attention in your time away, as you describe has proven to feel better for you emotionally, then I support it.

 

How about you continue to participate, at least at giving advise? and keep the delicate things to yourself?

There is a lot more to talk about than flaky chicks, right?

 

Hey reinvent! Thanks for understanding. Yes...I think writing about these girls (especially CMB girl and the doctor) definitely gives them more weight than the deserve. And I think they way in which me and the doctor met (on my mom's deathbed - literally) and some of the conversations we had early on only add to the weight I continue to give her. I do think there is "something" there...I just don't know what it is. I always fall back into "if she likes you enough, she'll make time." And I always think something is "different," but then it ends up not being different. And of course, the ones I'm not attracted to want to keep dating me lol...one can never win...

 

I have to think it over. I'm not sure I want to continue on here at all. Even if only giving advice, it'll only remind me of my perpetual lack of relationship and similar issues. This may not be the place for me anymore. I've been doing better by just living day by day and just numbing myself to the fact that I just have to keep going on as many dates as I can (and that, unfortunately, includes online dating). That's the only way. That, and not allowing myself to get attached to any of these girls, no matter how amazing they may seem (and this doctor really did seem amazing and equally as into me, early on. Maybe that changed?). And knowing that there's definitely a chance I may not ever meet anyone I like who likes me back and I might not ever have a traditional marriage like I've always wanted...and if that happens, life has to go on.

 

Gotta do some thinking. But not sure talking about things on here will be beneficial to me at all. If I can help others, great...but then I get frustrated internally because nothing good ever seems to happen for me. Not that I help others for that reason...but it hurts after a while when you try to be a good person, put others' needs first, be there for others, give the best possible advice you can from the depths of your soul...yet the universe still doesn't allow you to have what you want. It is what it is...at the end of the day, I'm nothing special, that's for damn sure.

 

I'll live.

[WithLove]

I disagree! I think you're pretty damn special indeed, and I'm positive that every that interacts with your journal agrees with me. 8)

[LightWave93]

We love you.

[Sportster2005]

I hear ya. I gave this place a rest for a while, and it helped. I think for some of the reasons you give.

 

Sounds like you really have made phenomenal growth. And when you have a winning combination, stick with it. Even if it means we won't get the pleasure of your company.

 

It never hurts to say hello

[John John]

Had it out with the doctor Sunday evening. What a strange person. We had spoken a while back after my little texting snafu in early February (which I had already apologized for several times and explained the context to her), and she said (her words) “we can reset, but my schedule really isn’t going to change.” She also said that she’d still be interested in hanging out and getting to know me. Never did she say or intimate “just as/only friends” at any time throughout that convo or via text in subsequent weeks. That convo was in early March. From then on out I had continued to stay in touch and would call every so often. She would almost always respond and return my voice messages. A few times she said “let’s play it by ear” in terms of getting together, but it never materialized.

 

The final straw came around Easter. I got her a small box of chocolate from this place I had gone to since I was a kid and mentioned it via text. She called me to thank me and said “let’s try and get together Easter weekend.” We kept in touch all day Easter and then she just stopped returning my texts when I let her know I was back in the neighborhood. She never followed up with an apology, a text…nothing. So, a week later (this past Saturday), I sent her a final text basically saying I wasn’t going to reach out anymore, as she never does unless I do her, and wished her. She then texted me the day after basically (once again) mentioning my (stupid – yes, I made a mistake, but I finally learned from this situation, so won’t ever happen again!) texts and then saying “I only meant we could hang out as friends after that, so not sure what your expectations were.” I called her and she answered right away. She basically denied ever saying “we can reset,” which really infuriated me. I raised my voice to defend myself, and then she threatened to hang up because “I only like to interact positively with people.” Then I tried to say “sometimes we have to confront people and say things and them out” and she said “don’t lecture me.” She was very snotty and touchy. She sort of tried to pin the whole thing on me. I know she has been hurt by men in the past and works crazy hours and doesn’t have time for negativity. But (despite what people on ENA might think based on my posts, frankly I don’t care anymore) I am FAR from a negative person. After our convo, I sent one final (I deleted her number, so we’re done now) text saying I was sorry it had to end on a sour note, that she has completely misunderstood me, and that I genuinely wish her nothing but the best and will smile and wave if I see her around. I’m honest to God glad it’s over…dating her would have been a nightmare because I would have had to watch everything I said!

 

I guess with the doctor, I was more just hurt at how she really had me all wrong. I could have handled certain things better, but so could she. I definitely learned to play it cool and to not let things get me too upset or too excited too soon...and it's paying off...because...

 

In other news…juggling four other girls right now. One is a hookup (don’t see us being anything but FWB) I met in real life, and out of the other three, one might…just might….be really special. I’m afraid to get my hopes up. Because we all know John John does that, and we all know it never ends well. I’m actually really confident in this situation at the moment…more than I’m letting on. So I’m going to stop there (for now). We’re only two (really great) dates in…so let me shut up.

 

I kinda like that she’s taller than me. No less than five men just stopped and stared at us (probably her haha) when we walked into the restaurant the other night 8)

 

I still have the box of chocolates that was meant for the doctor. We'll see who I end up giving it to!

[Sportster2005]

Hey JJ, good to hear from you.

 

It sounds like you and the doctor just weren't a good match. When she says she doesn't want negativity, I think she's really saying she wants license to do what she wants, without any accountability or consequences. You took her to task, and she didn't like it. Too bad, no one gets a free pass in life. And there really is no point in playing "he said, she said". She's revealed her interest through her behavior. As busy as she is, if she wanted to spend time, she would.

 

Sounds like you have lots of options. You're on top of your game bro.

[browneyedgirl36]

FWIW, JJ, I don't think you're a negative person at all -- quite the opposite. I like how you power through/past all these situations and move on without getting totally bogged down by the past, as a lot of people do (and as I used to do).

 

As for the Doctor...eh....she sounds like one of those people (a lot of whom are women, but men do it too) who use their careers as an excuse not to get close to/be vulnerable to anyone, to not make any commitments, etc. I get it, doctors are important. They work a lot of hours, etc., but...we ALL can make at least SOME time for something or someone worthwhile IF we're open to doing so. I have a friend who "dates" a guy (I put that in quotes because they go out to dinner or lunch every so often, but it's not a real relationship in the sense that they don't spend a lot of time together unless you count texting, which I don't). He's SO busy (he's in the mortgage business) that one time, he even "forgot" to pick her up to go out -- he claims he worked right through the time he was supposed to come get her and didn't even realize he'd done it. Yeah...right. OK. Not buying it, and I told her so, but she makes a gazillion excuses for him, and I'm over it. (At least in your case, she's a doctor, so she is probably saving some lives!) It's not you -- it's her. I think your only fault in this is that you, by your own admission, get your hopes up a bit too high, a bit too soon. I have NO advice on how NOT to do this, really -- it's hard not to. I think I was only able to do it when I got to a place in my life where I realized that I was OK being single -- that finding someone would be great, but that I'd be OK regardless. I will tell you that practically the MINUTE I stopped getting my hopes up, I met the guy I'm marrying next year. So...there's that.

 

Keep on keepin' on, JJ. As I like to say, it's OK to have your head in the clouds a bit, as long as your feet are planted firmly on the ground, too.

[LightWave93]

JJ - 1

Doctor - 0

 

She's missed out, you have opportunity to get more involved with someone new. Four girls lined up, a bit of fun on the side and one who could potentially be really special to you; take all the positives and run with them, my friend.

 

As we've all said, it's only a matter of time.

[faraday]

The doctor situation sounds very confusing, and I'm glad you're out of that now. It should be easy. Look for something that just works because both people are trying...if someone isn't trying, no need to say anything, just move on.

 

I'm glad you've got some decent prospects Any man that gives me chocolate is like, magic in my mind .

[Sportster2005]

If she's right for you, you can do no wrong. If she's not right for you, you can do no right. Don't do things for people that won't do anything for you. That helps me out JJ.

[John John]

Thank you guys! I'm actually really ok with it...really! The more I think about it, I'm glad it's over because even when I was hanging out with her for those few weeks...while she is gorgeous and while our convos were good and we had a lot in common...something was missing. I can't quite put my finger on it even now...but she wasn't nearly as sweet and overtly warm as "someone" I'm talking to now is. Like, I feel it takes this girl a long time to let people in. And I get that. She's been through sh*t. We ALL have. You're right Sportster and faraday...it should be easy. It should NOT be this difficult, no matter how "busy" she is. So glad that's over. Her loss. And definitely saving that chocolate for someone else...someone who actually has been pursuing (not just keeping in touch...she's been making plans, legit offering to pay, calling, etc.) ME!!!

 

But still...defenses up. Met a new one last night. Nice convo, and in addition to the fact that she wasn't as cute in person, we're two very different people. She's nice enough and I'm actually considering a second date with her. I dunno. And I have another first date tomorrow night, and the local girl I'm seeing wants to "hang out" again (it's fine because both she and I know it's an FWB thing - we're not compatible for long-term).

 

Going to tell eHarmony to send me more matches. Want to keep my options open. I have found this is the best defense against getting too excited for any one too quickly. And as annoying as it is, it's working.

[LightWave93]

She's nice enough and I'm actually considering a second date with her. I dunno.

 

May as well. You've got nothing to lose, and can only gain more experience from it.

[John John]

Kinda upset with myself...although, not really. Had a third hangout with one girl. This girl is really into me. That much is obvious. She cooked dinner for me and everything, bought my favorite healthy dessert, texts me every day consistently, etc. After the first date, I wasn't that attracted to her. Second date, I thought I had done a 180 and was very attracted to her. But after the third date...I'm still very borderline with this girl. Frankly...I just don't really enjoy kissing her that much. She has a great body, but to me (beauty is subjective!), her face is just ok. But she has a wonderful personality and everything else is "there"...so I'm trying so hard to be attracted to her. I want to give it one more date...but I just don't know. Usually for me (especially as a man), if the initial attraction isn't there...it rarely develops over time...at least in my experience. But this is me trying and giving a good faith effort and not giving up on her so easily. But I don't want to lead this girl on...so after one more date, I will have to make a decision. And I will.

 

Have another first date this weekend with another girl from eHarmony who looks very attractive (and more my classic "type" - fair, light eyes, light hair) to me. Spoke over the phone and it seems we have a lot in common. Hopefully her photos translate to real life and we hit it off.

 

FWB girl wants to hang out again next week, so there's that too. And I'm just trying to keep grinding online dating and approach girls wherever I can. FWB girl I met in real life, as did I a very attractive 23 year old (too young, but we had a coffee date and might hang out again) in my local coffee shop.

 

It's hard sometimes...but I'm getting much better at blocking out the "noise." I sometimes still feel like a failure for being single at my age...but at least now...I can let myself feel that emotion, and then detach from it. And the fact of the matter is, a lot of this is on me for being picky (not in the "conceited" sense, but not wanting to settle for something I don't want - and I definitely don't mean just looks). So it's been easier, overall. I'm trying to be as patient as I can, praying that someday, I will meet someone I'm attracted to on all levels (without having to question it) who feels the same about me.

[WithLove]

Why do you think 23 is too young?

 

You sound like you're doing well. I'm proud of you for your tenacity.