JJ's Diary of Dating

[itsallgrand]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom, John. My mom passed away in January, so I really empathize with that.

 

I wonder if that partially contributes to your feelings about friends at this time. I definitely was reminded of what a great difference having good friends makes in this last year or so.

 

I don't have advise, just wanted to pop in and let you know you are thought about. I don't think your feelings are odd at all considering your situation. You are a strong person.

[faraday]

It's been well documented and studied women are way ahead of us and friendship and socialising.

 

I remember a couple of times I'll be chatting with a single male in my age group. Usually an acquaintance, or someone I haven't seen in a while. We'll talk a lot about dating. Have a good chat for about an hour. Then just leave and go our own ways. It would feel foreign and weird to get his number/email and suggest going our for a beer. I don't think it is for women. I really don't have any close male friends at this point in life. Lots of buddies and acquaintances. Often they're husbands of running/dancing friends. I do have a good web of female friends.

 

Besides women's natural ability to be more social, demographics come into play. At least they do here. There are far more single women here, especially in my age group. I also find women are more concerned in staying in better shape later in life. Or at least that's been my experience. My running circle is predominantly female. Many single women. I'm pretty much the only single guy. Same with dancing. I was at a dance last night. There was at least three single women there without leads. They often bemoan the fact there is a lack of leads. The gym is a bit different. Closer to a 50/50 split. I don't know any one at the gym. But again, I see a lot of women without rings in my age group. So what's my point? There is overlap between demographics and women's natural ability to befriend easily. Many female runners I know do it for the socialising as well as the fitness. I wouldn't be surprised if some use running as an excuse to socialise. I also notice rarely do women run solo. Twenty of us will start a run. It seems the women run in clusters. The only runners running solo are almost always men.

 

Then there's the whole issue of modern day life. I have friends I've never met. There's people on this site I've befriended. More and more we are becoming comfortable with online friendships. You can debate the value of this. I like it.

 

I've also tried meetups. But I usually go them for activity. I tolerate the socialising. I'm actually quite introverted. Small talk makes me crazy. Most people I know that are friends on meetups, are friends anyways. I also find people use meetups for proxy meeting in the context of dating, and hoping to meet someone.

 

It's funny, my husband has no problem trading numbers with men he meets while climbing- they set up future climbs together or play disc golf.

 

I struggle with exchanging numbers with people. I find so few people I'm interested in. It's rare for me to even think "I want to hang out with this person again." Because of my extreme introversion, when I do seek out the company of others, I require it to be pleasant and fun...unfortunately it seems like the majority of people in my city are either red neck or total hippie...and I fall somewhere in the middle making my lifestyle and views very foreign...and I'm intolerant to anti-science views, racism, sexism, and that weird fakeness that so many women possess....I wish I could be different....more easy going with different views...or more extroverted so I had more interest in people...it would be easier to make friends.

 

I think generally it's hard to make friends as an adult. You just don't have the time to spend with someone to properly bond. I find most of my friendships to be superficial...I've grown apart from people I was close to when I was younger and haven't met people to replace them with. Hopefully I find a few people I click with again...I miss those friendships where you just fall together and it's easy.

[Seraphim]

I am kind of opposite to when I was young. When I was young I found it hard to make friends . I had about four good friends and that was about it . Then when I was busy raising my son I barely had any friends at all . I just didn't have the time or the energy . And my good decades old friends lived on the other side of the country . Now it seems friends just fall out of the trees these days . I have so many I can't keep up . But I think that it's I'm noticing more people now that I'm not expending so much energy actively raising somebody 24/7.

 

Also too, with the military lifestyle you have to be friendly or you're just not going to make it .

[Clarisse]

It's funny, my husband has no problem trading numbers with men he meets while climbing- they set up future climbs together or play disc golf.

 

I struggle with exchanging numbers with people. I find so few people I'm interested in. It's rare for me to even think "I want to hang out with this person again." Because of my extreme introversion, when I do seek out the company of others, I require it to be pleasant and fun...unfortunately it seems like the majority of people in my city are either red neck or total hippie...and I fall somewhere in the middle making my lifestyle and views very foreign...and I'm intolerant to anti-science views, racism, sexism, and that weird fakeness that so many women possess....I wish I could be different....more easy going with different views...or more extroverted so I had more interest in people...it would be easier to make friends.

 

I think generally it's hard to make friends as an adult. You just don't have the time to spend with someone to properly bond. I find most of my friendships to be superficial...I've grown apart from people I was close to when I was younger and haven't met people to replace them with. Hopefully I find a few people I click with again...I miss those friendships where you just fall together and it's easy.

 

I totally agree, Faraday.

[John John]

Thanks for all the wonderful feedback guys.

 

I will say that I am a pretty outgoing and gregarious person. I don't have much trouble making new male friends. I have made two pretty good new male friends in the past two years, and working on making some more (supposed to hang out with a new guy I recently hit it off with really soon). However, now that I think about it...I think my problem is that I really want close male friendships. I've maintained one good male friend from high school and one from college...but as they're both married with kids, while we're still in touch fairly often, I almost never actually see them. I can see being in touch with my two new good male friends for a while and hopefully the friendships develop further (one of their gfs said she feels like they've known me for longer lol). I guess I just miss having friendships with guys I've known for a very long time. But circumstances and life is always changing, so that's just the way it goes.

 

I think part of my relative "neediness" (although I really don't think I'm needy per se) with friends is being single. The only thing I will say on my dating experiences lately is that I get dates pretty much no problem. It's just a real challenge to find a woman that I'm really into who feels the same. But the good news is I'm still (fairly) young and don't have a clock to worry about.

[IAmFCA]

Hi!

 

Been thinking about you lately, glad to see you've posted. Gotta run but will read and see what's up.

[John John]

Hi!

 

Been thinking about you lately, glad to see you've posted. Gotta run but will read and see what's up.

 

Well you know if you're ever in my 'hood, we can meet up for drinks again

[reinventmyself]

I'm an introvert. I tend to prefer one close friend that I bond with and confide in.

This is my closest, most trusted friend.

Other than that I orbit around a large group of people that I don't really connect intimately with.

We often do things together but parallel of each other, if that makes sense.

 

Seeing I am the quiet one in a group of people, I tend to be the listener not the talker.

I'm ok with that, but it does translate into not having alot of close friends that know me well.

I have a lot of acquaintance friends.

 

My best friend is currently in a relationship which leaves me left doing group things.

I am not complaining, mind you but in the absence of that and a romantic relationship it does feel like there is something missing.

 

I don't know how to change that. I am not at this point in my life become the ring leader, extrovert.

It's just not going to happen.

Besides, everything goes in cycles. This just happens to be the cycle of the moment.

 

And you are right. . it's more challenging as you get older.

[IAmFCA]

I am an extravert.

 

I have a select few close friends and a number of acquaintances. People with whom I think I am close feel much less intimate with me than I with them. My besties have other besties from time to time. But I last, and they may come and go.

 

For all my playfulness, my talkative nature, etc., I also feel like I orbit around friends who are more tied to one another than they are to me. I spend many weekends alone unless I make an effort to reach out, and the number of people to whom I reach out is limited.

 

If my weekends are alone, I don't even talk on the phone. I have all that time to invest in my friends, but I don't. I enjoy my peaceful alone time. Consequently, the only way my friend situation will change is if I make a concerted effort to get well beyond my comfort zone.

 

I have decided that, on the main, I am just not that available until I clear some more clutter out of my life. I miss being included by others as much as I know it is my own doing.

[John John]

Thanks ITIC. Actually your situation sounds fairly similar to mine.

 

Another thing I've been dealing with lately is this jealously of a number of people I know and what they have. Awesome, beautiful wives, children, etc. Some of these guys have cheated on their wives, some aren't as educated or hardworking, some aren't great looking and totally out of shape...yet they have everything I want. I know that I'm not entitled to anything no matter how hard I work. And as my late mother always said...no one is better than me and I'm not better than anyone. Still...since we're raised somewhat to use logic and try and organize things and ideas in our minds...and since I'm human..it's hard not to be jealous and wonder what the hell I have to do to get these things in my life. I definitely don't think these people are perfect nor are they jealous of anything about me. lol why would they be? You see Facebook statuses with pictures of their wives and kids with a caption "they are my world." To me, that pretty much is the "perfect" life.

 

Also...Everyone tells me I'm picky, but I just want a woman I feel about like I felt about my ex. Not sure what she will be like....but I want that "feeling." And if I settle...I will end up in a miserable relationship wothout that feeling. That's why I don't think it's fair when people in happy relationships say I'm picky...they got to where they are (basically "perfect" relationships) by not settling.

[IAmFCA]

I hear you JJ

 

I tell myself and tell my kids "trust in the process". I try to define success as the process itself. Getting up, doing the work, "getting it done" is success. The results of those efforts are the fruit topping. If I don't get the thing I am chasing... well my efforts probably lead to some other outcome, or several, that I can't see today and better suited.

 

Also, I don't want what some people have. I don't want a great husband whom I secretly don't respect. I don't want all the money and lifestyle and loneliness.

 

I want to be happy and strong and nobody can do that for me but me.

 

An uber rich man known to me works as hard now as he did when he was 25. I mean, all the time. He doesn't do it for the outcome. He does it because he has ideas and energy and believes in his ideas and wants to execute them. It turns out he is monetarily successful. But he was successful at sports, academics, etc as well. His marriage didn't last, though. There is always something for us to overcome.

 

What other people have doesn't tell us anything about who they are inside.

[John John]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom, John. My mom passed away in January, so I really empathize with that.

 

I wonder if that partially contributes to your feelings about friends at this time. I definitely was reminded of what a great difference having good friends makes in this last year or so.

 

I don't have advise, just wanted to pop in and let you know you are thought about. I don't think your feelings are odd at all considering your situation. You are a strong person.

 

IAG, sorry I missed this and really sorry to hear about your mom. I can relate. It definitely sucks. In a way, I'm glad it's over. But we all miss her.

 

I hear you JJ

 

I tell myself and tell my kids "trust in the process". I try to define success as the process itself. Getting up, doing the work, "getting it done" is success. The results of those efforts are the fruit topping. If I don't get the thing I am chasing... well my efforts probably lead to some other outcome, or several, that I can't see today and better suited.

 

Also, I don't want what some people have. I don't want a great husband whom I secretly don't respect. I don't want all the money and lifestyle and loneliness.

 

I want to be happy and strong and nobody can do that for me but me.

 

An uber rich man known to me works as hard now as he did when he was 25. I mean, all the time. He doesn't do it for the outcome. He does it because he has ideas and energy and believes in his ideas and wants to execute them. It turns out he is monetarily successful. But he was successful at sports, academics, etc as well. His marriage didn't last, though. There is always something for us to overcome.

 

What other people have doesn't tell us anything about who they are inside.

 

You are right ITIC. What others have or don't have doesn't always tell us about who they are. I am working to try and separate the two in my head. I'm getting better at being ok with the whole thing. Of course, it sucks and hurts from time to time. But I feel like I'm a lot stronger than I was a year ago. I've been trying to be kinder to myself.

[IAmFCA]

IAG, sorry I missed this and really sorry to hear about your mom. I can relate. It definitely sucks. In a way, I'm glad it's over. But we all miss her.

 

 

 

You are right ITIC. What others have or don't have doesn't always tell us about who they are. I am working to try and separate the two in my head. I'm getting better at being ok with the whole thing. Of course, it sucks and hurts from time to time. But I feel like I'm a lot stronger than I was a year ago. I've been trying to be kinder to myself.

 

You rock JJ

 

Almost chased you down this past week. But did the same day turnaround instead. IJS. Next time!

[LoveSoDeep]

Hey JJ! Glad to see you around again!

 

I'm truly sorry for your loss, but I know how you feel when you say you're glad it's over. I lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's last summer and although I miss him terribly I know he felt trapped and frustrated at the end and just not well physically so, I am glad he's free of all that. It's tough though.

 

About friends...I feel you I like being around people....I'm and extrovert mostly and being around people makes me feel energized and alive while being alone feels draining sometimes (not always) and my introvert friends are the opposite. While I've come to understand that difference it doesn't make it any easier when you suddenly find yourself alone on a Friday night because your go-to friend has a new SO or whatever the case may be. When I moved here I was so alone and it grated on me it was sad and frustrating all at the same time and people here...even single people just don't make the effort to make new friends all that often (and I'm sure that's not just here). I think technology is not helping us here....because for many a text conversation is all they need to feel connected but for others we really need that physical time in the presence of others and friends. It's hard but you have to make the effort you have to be the one reaching out all the time if that's what you want...you have to keep doing it until you find that person who just gets you and will reach out too...and then you hope to god that they don't move to the other side of the country.

 

I always had friends to hang out with back home...here I have co-workers who I only see at work and my SO and that's it. I need more friends too but I've given up on that for a little bit it was just too much work for me and then I moved again and starting over AGAIN....jut not ready.

 

It sounds like you're on a good path though making new friends and hanging out with new people. Keep it up, that's all you can do.

[John John]

I have come to the conclusion that some of the most important things in life...our looks (let's face it, they matter), health and relationship/marriage status...are all based on luck. Some people can smoke their whole lives and live to 95, which others who never touch a cigarette die of (insert name) cancer at the age of 50. Looks (and all the components that make up our "looks" for men and women) are a result of the genetic lottery. And relationship status? Same thing. I know people who've always met people by chance and have never been single. And then there's me where nothing ever seems to work out. People say "you're too picky" but that's not fair because there have been plenty of women I've liked who've turned me down. People say "you have time, why are you rushing?" Easy to say when you're married for years and on your second kid.

 

Doesn't matter how hard you work...doesn't matter how much money you make...doesn't matter how hard you studied in school....doesn't matter how good of a friend you try to be...doesn't matter how giving or patient you try to be...doesn't matter how many dating apps you're on...doesn't matter how many hundreds of dates you've been on...doesn't matter how hard you've "worked on yourself" or spent time in therapy...doesn't matter how many hours you spend in the gym...doesn't matter how social you try to be/put yourself out there...it's all based on one thing: luck. Pure luck. You either have it...or you don't. You can't "make your own luck," I do not believe that. That's almost the same as "it happens when you're not looking for it," just some hokey bs people already in relationships say to others.

[faraday]

]

[faraday]

As an artist I hear a lot from other artists complaining about "luck". How some artists are "lucky" and they become successful. Becoming a successful artist is like...a one in a million...there are so many of us out there. It's not a rare gift. Not at all. And most of the time the successful artists aren't any bit more talented than the rest of us.

 

But there's a difference between the two...and it's not luck. It's hard work and perseverance. I don't know a single successful artist that hasn't put in decades of time to get there. And not like, idle time where they're like kind of trying (like when you're 15 and working in a shoe store and don't give af) like 90% of the artists I know are doing...but actually giving it everything they have....and not just once...it's easy to give everything you have to something once...but they do it repeatedly, toiling away year after year...and their friends and family think they're idiots and ask when they're going to "get real" and "get a real job"...until "suddenly" the artist gets discovered and then they make awesome money, and everyone talks about how "lucky" they are.

 

So I don't believe in luck. I think you prepare the best that you can, stay vigilant...and eventually the opportunity comes along that you've been preparing for.

 

It works that way in love, in business...in life.

[faraday]

But I'm sorry that things aren't going great for you right now. All I can say is...nothing stays the same...so keep going, eventually things will change for you.

[Clarisse]

Honestly, I think much of my success in life is just luck. I would love to believe it's because it was the Law of Attraction or hard work but I'm not sure that's true.

 

That said, I've had my share of adversity - crappy childhood, failed marriage, death of some very close friends at a young age. Given that, I would say luck + resilience + optimism have all contributed to where I am now (in a very good place).

 

Hang in there, JJ. The right girl is out there. She's biding her time and waiting for the right moment to come into your life.

[imsuperman]

I always laugh at the, "It'll happen when you least expect it." I haven't "expected it" in years haha.

 

I think especially at our age, luck, really mainly in regards to timing, is HUGE. Most women I'm attracted to are already taken (I've found I'm about anyone's "second option"), branch-swing from boyfriend to boyfriend with no time being "single" in between, or have kids (the last of which I'm not ready for right now.) And I agree with all the self-improvement aspects, too. My life is pretty much totally in order, I'm tall, fit, interested in listening to and talking to people, and decently successful for a guy that pretty much had nothing this time three years ago. It doesn't mean I think women should just fall into my lap, but it's disheartening to feel so balanced yet have that one area feel so empty.

[Sportster2005]

Fate favours the bold. I don't believe in either extreme of the luck debate. I don't believe in just idly sitting by and asking the universe to bring what you desire. I also believe you can work incredibly hard and still not achieve success without some luck. It's not an either/or argument. It takes both. Work and luck. And the balance is different depending on what you want to achieve. Becoming a doctor is going to take more hard work than good luck. And then unless you were born lucky enough with brains to become a doctor, you're out of luck. You're not going to make it.

 

To become a famous musician is heavily weighted to luck. The right place at the right time. The right sound at the right time. Insider friends. Growing up I knew guitar players that were as every bit as good as most famous guitar players of the day. One went to L.A. to seek his fortune. We were all convinced he was going to be the one to make it. Never did. He came back about ten years ago after 30 years of frustration. He's a decent song writer, but man can he shred a guitar. Go on YouTube. There's thousands and millions of capable and excellent guitar players. Some will be lucky, some won't.

 

Luck and ability.

 

As far as dating goes. It's an oddity. No matter how hard you try you can fail, and fail miserably. Miserably and repeatedly. You can do everything right, but you need some luck. And if you bristle at the word luck, you need the numbers to line up for you. However you say it. Chance is a big part of dating. You improve your chances though by being out there and working at it. You will hear stories of lucky people that meet serendipitously. That's the exception not the rule.

[John John]

faraday, Clarisse, Superman and Sportster - thank you all for your input, advice and encouragement. As I'm sure you all know, this was just a venting post. I KNOW I'm doing all of the right things. And some of the tough love that you guys have given me in the past I think has actually really helped me and made me stronger (better late than never, right? lol). I know dating is hard for a lot of people and I know that none of us is "owed" anything, and I don't believe that I am. But knowing how hard I've worked on myself, and how far I've come in even just a year (especially mentally - I feel therapy has really helped me, even if it took a lot of time) - like Superman said, it's just frustrating to feel like you're really accomplished in other areas (and proud of yourself, as I am - not in a douchey way) and at a point where you're truly "ready" and still come up empty handed.

 

But as you guys all said, opportunity favors the prepared mind. I genuinely believe I am prepared now. Do I still have my sh*t? Absolutely. We ALL do. But I'm so much more aware of it and really managing it better than I used to, even six months ago. So I just need that golden opportunity...that's all I need...for the dang stars to friggin' align! lol

 

Love you guys.

[reinventmyself]

This may sound a little corn ball and I think we've all at least read the book `The Secret'

Someone gave me the dvd. I think you can view it on Netflix. It's been a while since I viewed it but

every time I walk away with some thing new.

 

Clarisse referred to the Law of Attraction and as new agey at it seems, I think there is something to it.

I dunno. . just a suggestion. If you have time. . pass on the book and watch the movie.

I feel a shift what I watch it.

 

Something changes about your outlook and if you put the right energy out there, things come back to you two fold.

[Clarisse]

This may sound a little corn ball and I think we've all at least read the book `The Secret'

Someone gave me the dvd. I think you can view it on Netflix. It's been a while since I viewed it but

every time I walk away with some thing new.

 

Clarisse referred to the Law of Attraction and as new agey at it seems, I think there is something to it.

I dunno. . just a suggestion. If you have time. . pass on the book and watch the movie.

I feel a shift what I watch it.

 

Something changes about your outlook and if you put the right energy out there, things come back to you two fold.

 

I'm definitely a believer.

[John John]

Thanks reinvent. I actually watched the movie "The Secret" about ten years ago. I thought it was a bit cheesy and hard to believe...but someone else recently mentioned that she felt it brought value to her life. Maybe I'll give it another spin...