JJ's Diary of Dating

[IAmFCA]

If I ever date again, I will never, never single date. I there's one important lesson I learned very harshly this year, is to never date a single person at a time. I don't care what names I get called or if women don't like it. I am going to be very selfish with my needs next time round. I've stopped talking to women to date someone only to get burned. There's a couple of women I would love to talk to again, or date. But that ship sailed when I decided to date the person I was most interested in. If I could did it over, especially this summer, I would have dated three or four women that showed an interest in me. And I would date for as long as I wanted until I was convinced one was worth dating exclusively.

 

Can I get an amen

[IAmFCA]

@journey

 

I think that is a really healthy way to approach it, to manage expectations.

 

To the degree JJ has any expectations, its probably a bad idea. I would like for there to be no expectations. That he reaches out, or he doesn't. That she connects, or she doesn't. And then he moves on to the next thing in his day.

[John John]

Deactivated the last dating apps I had active today. CMB girl 2 flaked on me, and I just decided I want a break from it all. Haven't heard yet from CMB girl 1. If we talk tonight, I'm putting the ball in her court entirely to make the effort with me. If I don't hear from her, that's when I tell her that her not getting in touch with me is answer enough and I'll be done.

 

I recognize (even though I don't always feel this way in my heart) that my self-worth isn't tied to a relationship status. I'm a great all-around guy. But man, am I lonely I have a life and friends, but here come the holidays...

 

What I do know is...this isn't something that can be forced or directly worked on. I'll continue to work on myself...not entirely sure how much more I have to do. But no more dating. These women just flake and flake, don't acknowledge texts (like a polite person should, maybe I'm different), lament how they can't find a good man...but whatever. Life's not always fair. It rarely is. They all say they hate games, yet they all play them (which forces me to do it too). Opting out for now.

[Sportster2005]

It's sad when I see someone so young with their life in front of them, get dragged down like this.

 

I know if never date again, whatever. I've been married, I've had kids. I've loved, and been loved. It's tragic watching a great guy get down like this. It does suck out there.

 

But you will bounce back. You're not allowed to become a cynical, bitter old man yet. You don't have enough time in

 

Take a deep breath brother, this too shall pass. You'll be smiling one day, looking back on these women wondering what all the fuss was about. We got your back.

[John John]

It's sad when I see someone so young with their life in front of them, get dragged down like this.

 

I know if never date again, whatever. I've been married, I've had kids. I've loved, and been loved. It's tragic watching a great guy get down like this. It does suck out there.

 

But you will bounce back. You're not allowed to become a cynical, bitter old man yet. You don't have enough time in

 

Take a deep breath brother, this too shall pass. You'll be smiling one day, looking back on these women wondering what all the fuss was about. We got your back.

 

Thanks bro, I friggin love ya (imagine me saying that with my NY accent)

 

I basically ended things with CMB girl 1 last night. She called me last night as she said that she would...but...I happened to see several hours earlier that she put new photos up on her CMB profile. Not cool. Major turn off. She IS single, and it's totally her right to do so...and it only takes a moment to upload photos from your iPhone to your dating app of choice...but to me, this sent a message. It took a LOT of willpower to not confront her on the new pics over the phone, but I held back. She didn't apologize for anything, but basically explained her current work schedule (and I have to say, it does sound legit). She said that if she saw things at work changing and that she'd have more free time, she'd get in touch with me. So it's totally up to her now. Although at this point, I don't even care. Not even so much because of the new pictures (that was sorta the straw that broke the camel's back), but just because I still feel a tad deceived by her. Because to me, again, if you're interested, you make the time (and I reiterated this, and she even said that her girlfriend agreed with her). So while the door is a crack open, CMB girl 1 is now a thing of the past. And I have to say, I'm relieved, in a way.

 

CMB girl 2...the one that I thought ignored me...texted me yesterday evening and profusely apologized for not getting back to me. She said that she left her phone at her parent's house the night before, and was without a phone all day Sunday. She said that she understood if I didn't want to see her, but that she still wanted to meet me. I decided to be nice and give her another chance. She said in her first text to me (when she apologized) that she's definitely free tomorrow night (Tuesday) and to just let her know the time and place. So she offered an alternative right away. So I'm going to meet her tomorrow night. She said she appreciated how nice I was about the whole thing. We'll see what happens.

 

Have no expectations for this or anything. I really, really want to be done with dating...but as a guy, I feel like I have to be the energizer bunny and just plow on through. I can't rely on "live your life, and someone will come your way" as a man...I have to make sh*t happen...sigh...onward.

[LightWave93]

Well, no bridges burned with CMB #1 and upcoming date with CMB #2; no harm done and still testing waters. You'll probably find yourself less frustrated now without the dating apps/messing around, too.

[journeynow]

I'm with you on CMB girl 1. She's continuing to advertise herself on the OLD site while being unavailable. If anything, that says something about her character.

 

CMB girl 2, it's good she contacted you and offered a general time right away. Have fun meeting, whether it pans out or not. It's no judgement on either of you if not, it's a part of exploring the world, IMO.

[LoveSoDeep]

Hi JJ!

 

I agree with journeynow...CMB #1 is definitely telling he world she's available (Sorry, I never updated pics when I was thinking I found someone good) while still telling you she's way too busy with work. To me that means she's not very sure about seeing you long term.

 

Don't feel like you can't take a break. Seriously a couple weeks off the dating merry go round won't kill your chances. If you need a break take one. Don't forget there's much less pressure on guys to get married and have kids at any particular age....women are the ones with the earlier physical hard stop. I know you feel like it's your time and you're ready but don't put too much pressure on yourself....that never goes well.

[John John]

Thanks LoveSoDeep, nice to hear from you

 

I just feel so much pressure to keep trying because, as a guy, I'm the one who has to make something happen. It's up to me. I know it's 2016 and women can initiate and make the first move, but soooo many of them not only don't do that, they do the opposite...flake and flake and flake. I'm not picking bad women. These are intelligent and accomplished women. And I know men flake too...but I feel like so many women today, while still talking about "equality" still expect men to do most of the chasing, planning dates, etc. And you can still do all of that, and they'll still flake on you like nothing (because on average, they have more options/chasers than men - they care less about each prospect).

 

CMB girl 2 might be flaking on me right now, I'm still waiting for her to confirm officially if we're still on for tonight. Either way, I don't even care, because I know chances are, nothing's going to come of it.

 

I know I need to find a way to stop comparing myself to others who are in relationships. There's one couple in particular that I really wish I had something like. You can just tell it's effortless, they're a team, they're best friends, obviously meant to be together...together 5 years already and they're just in their mid/late 20s. Sometimes I wonder if I knew then what I know now if I could have made things work with my ex-gf. I don't know.

 

My dad told me late last night that there's someone out there for me. This is bothering him as much as it is me, I think. It's just really, really, really hard to stay positive (and not end up needing a break) when you're used to things always not panning out (even if they seem promising initially, such as CMB girl 1).

 

I feel like it's not up to me, it's not up to how hard I work, it's not up how many dating apps I'm on, it's not even so much a matter of me "not being in the right mindset to date" (although the right mindset I will admit certainly helps wade through all the sh*t). I honest to God feel like it's a matter of luck and proper timing. Neither of which I have, and neither of which I can do much on my end to improve. People say "make your own luck" but what does that even mean?

[John John]

CMB girl 2 and I are on for tonight. I don't even want to go, but I'm going to, and I'm going to try to live in the moment and put my best face forward (my hair DOES look on point today...). I feel like this is gonna be the last "date" I go on for a while. At least, from online.

[WithLove]

John John, I've found that on days my hair is on point, it's a good day, no matter what. Mine isn't great today, but I used a new eyeshadow/liner combo today and I know it's making my gray eyes pop! So there's that, at least! 8)

[journeynow]

Well, if they are flakey, you don't want them as a partner, right? Just take this as useful INFORMATION for weeding out the ones that don't fit.

 

It MAY be that (to rephrase things)" soooo many of the women [you choose] not only don't do that, they do the opposite...flake and flake and flake. [You're] not picking bad women. These are intelligent and accomplished women. … but...so many women today [that I am attracted to], while still talking about "equality" still [seem to] expect men to do most of the chasing, planning dates, etc."

 

Taking a break is fine, use it to step back and observe (not compare) and get more information about people in general.

 

And maybe you don't have to "make" things happen. Some people set goals, decide HOW they will get there and break down the steps, and thus "make" it happen. That's not the only way, and it doesn't always work best that way. I have found that sometimes, if I think I know the best way to reach my goal it doesn't work as planned, the steps don't pan out or things get in the way, I get waylaid. I have learned, however, that I can arrive at my goal through the back door, so to speak, by knowing what I want, but not knowing the direct or obvious path. I know what I want, maybe I don't feel I know enough to take the first step, so I do something else that INTERESTS me. I follow that interest, and get busy doing it, building on it, making choices around it. I do this, not because I think it will get me to my original goal, but because it is something that fits in my life and for me. And while I'm busy with that, lo and behold, I find myself reaching that goal. This has happened repeatedly for me. Maybe it's the Law of Attraction at work, I set my intent and let the Universe decide how it will happen? I've heard the Law of Attraction described that way, and it fits how things have worked out for me in many areas. I used to think I had to take a direct path to things, but since I didn't know the best path or was nervous about taking the path, I felt flawed (comparing myself to others?). If I ease up on the "how" and know the feeling of where I want to be, and get busy with what I enjoy, I'll get there. The trick is to let go of frustration or judgement, just see any unease as "I'm not there yet, keep going".

[faraday]

John, when I was meeting people...I didn't care if we met or not. If they flaked, I was "meh" about them. I would have completely forgotten about them in 2 days.

 

Stop thinking so much. Just set up as many first meets as you can, let go of the outcome of these meets....start viewing them as meeting a stranger (because it seems like you view them as potential soul mates and dude, that'll mind F you good thinking that way).

 

You run around denying how much you're invested but your journal clearly reflects your investment. I feel like a broken record, repeating things endlessly...and...you're acting like Dougie. Seriously.

 

It's sad.

[John John]

faraday, I'll give you that maybe I'm more invested than I like to admit. I usually agree with what you say. But I'm not invested in these women/dates/individual outcomes on a case-by-case basis. It's the overall process that's really gotten me down. Does that make sense?

 

While my diary and what I post may repeat things, I don't really think it's correct for you to compare me to Dougie. If that's how you feel, then you're of course entitled to your viewpoint. I'm just down about the whole thing. But I'm not clueless, stagnant, lazy or unwilling to do the "work." My patience is wearing thin and I'm depressed about it. Not DEPRESSED where I can't get out of bed...it's mostly in my head. But I am living my life, and no one aside from a select few people really know how I fee. So...I resent that that statement.

 

I'm going to ask my therapist tomorrow about the possibility of going on meds for a bit. Because the whole thing has just worn me down.

 

I'm going to take a break.

[LightWave93]

Honestly mate, I don't blame you for giving up. I don't know why, but romance seems to be dead. Furthermore, according to women, it's all us men's fault.

 

Let them chase after the muppets and get their hearts broken time and time again. I plan on laughing in their face the moment they wise up.

[WithLove]

Furthermore, according to women, it's all us men's fault.

 

Well that is just a gross exaggeration.

[John John]

LW, please let's not start a gender war...

[WithLove]

Will you be taking a break from here, too, John?

[John John]

Will you be taking a break from here, too, John?

 

Possibly. I'm not sure yet.

[WithLove]

I hope you don't. I think it will still be good for you to come back and write in your journal. It doesn't have to be about dating!

[journeynow]

You're a good man, John John. Whatever you decide for now, remember that.

[faraday]

faraday, I'll give you that maybe I'm more invested than I like to admit. I usually agree with what you say. But I'm not invested in these women/dates/individual outcomes on a case-by-case basis. It's the overall process that's really gotten me down. Does that make sense?

 

While my diary and what I post may repeat things, I don't really think it's correct for you to compare me to Dougie. If that's how you feel, then you're of course entitled to your viewpoint. I'm just down about the whole thing. But I'm not clueless, stagnant, lazy or unwilling to do the "work." My patience is wearing thin and I'm depressed about it. Not DEPRESSED where I can't get out of bed...it's mostly in my head. But I am living my life, and no one aside from a select few people really know how I fee. So...I resent that that statement.

 

I'm going to ask my therapist tomorrow about the possibility of going on meds for a bit. Because the whole thing has just worn me down.

 

I'm going to take a break.

 

I'm comparing you indirectly. People give advice, you say you agree with it, keep doing the same thing...and then get sad that you got the same results. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat.

 

People say, "it's not just men that need to put in effort. It's hard for everyone." Then you say, "of course it's hard for everyone! I'm not saying that!" And then the next day you post about how much harder it is because you're a man. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat.

 

Then people say, "stop investing." So you say, "okay, but I don't invest THAT much, maybe a bit more than I should." And then bring up a girl who isn't putting in effort to meet you...and saying "this is hard, I give up." And then complaining that you can't meet anyone...when you only try to set up one or two new meets a week.

 

It's like talking to a wall. It makes me so sad...because John, this is life.

 

When my daughter falls and scrapes her knee she used to lay there on the ground crying. Every time I would hug her and say, "Why do we fall?" Now she knows. The answer is, "so we can get back up again."

[journeynow]

We all need hugs, sometimes. Hugs (((John John))). The trick is, when single (or I suppose, anytime), for find ways to self-comfort in a health way. (I know that I need touch, so schedule a massage, or reflexology, or a hair cut every 6 weeks or so. I find that helps me, either knowing one is scheduled or having had one recently. When I'm going through a rough time, I schedule more.)

[John John]

People say, "it's not just men that need to put in effort. It's hard for everyone." Then you say, "of course it's hard for everyone! I'm not saying that!" And then the next day you post about how much harder it is because you're a man. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat.

 

Faraday, I wasn't saying that it's harder for men...I just personally feel a lot of pressure as a man to do a lot of the work, make things happen, follow up, chase, etc. I have said a number of times that women have their own struggles (such as being used for just a hookup, being ignored, never approached, etc.). It's harder for each of us, just in different ways. But it's equally hard for both genders to find a suitable LTR.

 

I know this is life. It's just that it's been a while. Maybe it a lot of the time "doesn't count" because I had other crap to deal with, but it's still time that has elapsed.

[reinventmyself]

I just get the sense that the harder someone tries at the dating game the more illusive it becomes.

 

It's like fishing and being determined to catch a fish. All you have control over is the equipment, the choice of bait and paying attention to the right conditions.

The timing and the fish have control over the other half.

 

Some of this is out of your hands. You just need faith and learn to let go some.

 

Whether you believe it or not the frustration seeps through in your interactions in some form or fashion and you end up getting in your own way.

 

Interestingly, those dates where I felt that `meh, I don't want to go' were the dates that I was the most surprised.

Probably because my expectations were low and I wasn't invested in the outcome.