JJ's Diary of Dating

[IAmFCA]

I always laugh at the, "It'll happen when you least expect it." I haven't "expected it" in years haha.

 

I think especially at our age, luck, really mainly in regards to timing, is HUGE. Most women I'm attracted to are already taken (I've found I'm about anyone's "second option"), branch-swing from boyfriend to boyfriend with no time being "single" in between, or have kids (the last of which I'm not ready for right now.) And I agree with all the self-improvement aspects, too. My life is pretty much totally in order, I'm tall, fit, interested in listening to and talking to people, and decently successful for a guy that pretty much had nothing this time three years ago. It doesn't mean I think women should just fall into my lap, but it's disheartening to feel so balanced yet have that one area feel so empty.

 

cosigning this post

 

i am walking in faith that if I have a vision, it will happen. not sure the path, but the vision itself helps me reinforce the skills I need: am I what I would choose, if I were my guy? Certain things I have tweaked for the better - I like these details better too. So it will happen. That's what I've got - faith. I'm a little slim on logic.

[John John]

Another issue I think that I currently have is that I'm just burnt out from dating. However...unlike last year...you'll all notice that I complain a lot less. And in real life, that has translated into me sticking with the process and being a lot more consistent. Meaning, I no longer do it for a month, then take off two months, then on again, etc. I have been consistently dating now and on these apps for almost a year with no break. So on the one hand...I have to give myself credit for my consistency. On the other hand...I feel like I've become really desensitized. I don't get excited for dates at all anymore. I feel like it's always something...they aren't as pretty in person, or they are but our personalities don't jive, etc. I've had a bunch give me their number, and then completely ignore me after I leave a (short and sweet - always) voicemail to "introduce" myself (the ones that do respond always seem to like that I do that). I have also recently found myself starting to get more comfortable with doing things alone (went to the beach by myself this weekend and had a blast) and also I've been speaking about dating a lot less to friends.

 

As exhausted as I am, I'm going to continue on, at least for the summer. If I do take a break, it will be after Labor Day. But for now...I'm soldiering on.

 

I think what helps to is that the life I had envisioned for myself in the time frame I wanted has already passed me by, so now it's like "whatever, I'll just see what life has in store for me," since I know nothing will change without some luck. As I said earlier...if there's one thing I'm confident on, it's that I'm definitely doing everything right.

[reinventmyself]

You can definitely become desensitized!

Imagine before OLD. . the odds of meeting someone you were attracted to were much less.

When something is in abundance I think we by default become choosier.

 

My experiences in OLD the thing I put a firm stop to was the obligatory kiss goodnight. I lost count on how many guys I kissed and disappointed that I kissed

those I would have preferred not to. At some point I was desensitized to kissing. And I love kissing. So now I refuse. I've even ducked a couple times

Now I am inclined to not even kiss someone

until the 2 or 3rd date or better yet. . Not until I feel the absolute desire to. Which isn't often.

 

I hope you get the jest of my story and point isn't lost.

 

But, yes. I believe, without a doubt you definitely can become desensitized.

[John John]

You can definitely become desensitized!

Imagine before OLD. . the odds of meeting someone you were attracted to were much less.

When something is in abundance I think we by default become choosier.

 

My experiences in OLD the thing I put a firm stop to was the obligatory kiss goodnight. I lost count on how many guys I kissed and disappointed that I kissed

those I would have preferred not to. At some point I was desensitized to kissing. And I love kissing. So now I refuse. I've even ducked a couple times

Now I am inclined to not even kiss someone

until the 2 or 3rd date or better yet. . Not until I feel the absolute desire to. Which isn't often.

 

I hope you get the jest of my story and point isn't lost.

 

But, yes. I believe, with out a doubt you definitely can become desensitized.

 

 

Haha I honestly totally understand what you are saying! Part of me wants to become more selective with who I choose even go out on a first date with, but it's so hard to really get a sense of if you'll click in person (or even if they will look anything like their pictures!). But that's an issue inherent with OLD. It gives us a ton of options, but many of them just aren't great (for us, necessarily).

 

But I will keep going, at least for the summer!

[itsallgrand]

That's awesome that you have gotten to a place where you are comfortable doing things alone. And can have a blast.

I personally think that's a really important skill to have. It certainly makes life easier and more enjoyable. Because honestly, we don't know the twists and turns life is going to give us. I guess some people call that luck ( I'm not a fan of that word myself, doesn't accurately describe how I view/believe the mechanics of the world). The point is things can change fast.

And we can't predict all the reshuffling. Knowing how to truly be ok on your own ( even if it isn't preference) is a huge leg up in this world IMO. It's a form of self reliance and resilience.

To me anyways, it's also a super attractive trait in a person.

 

That's a lot of dating! I have never experienced that - but wow, I can definitely imagine it having a toll and where a person starts to desensitize to it.

 

You are sounding pretty good, and I hope you are .. nice to see you post

[John John]

I told my therapist last night...and it's something I'm actually sorta considering for real...perhaps I'm not the relationship type? Maybe relationships just aren't for me? I mean...as they say, the proof is in the pudding. It's been years. My last relationship failed, and nothing has worked out since. Maybe it's better that I just stay alone, get my physical needs met when I can (I have needs!) and just leave it at that. I'm getting more comfortable (or maybe just used to?) being alone.

 

His response was "maybe you need a break from dating, but don't lose hope"...

[reinventmyself]

get my physical needs met when I can (I have needs!) and just leave it at that. .

Do you think if you abstained from getting your physical needs met casually, cut back on OLD altogether you might find yourself attracted to someone?

It's like getting something for free. There isn't that much satisfaction in something when it's easy and you don't have to work for it.

 

This is stretch but could be similar to those who are satisfied by porn?

Why bother with the hard part if the rest is available and disposable?

 

It's the whole abundance thing again. You don't appreciate it any more.

[John John]

The scary thing is I JUST came to write a follow up, and then I saw your post reinvent!

 

I want to clarify something - I AM NOT A MAN-SL*T!! LOL...I have had my moments when I definitely did enjoy casual hookups, but aside from a girl I actually met in real life a few months ago at my gym...I am not into sleeping with a million women. I'm really not.

 

But to your point on cutting back on OLD...I think you're right. But here's where I'm stuck. Everyone says "it happens when you least expect it," "You don't find love, love finds you" and all that hokey b.s. People can only speak from their standpoints, so maybe that's true for them. But the reality is that, nowadays, you have to be putting yourself out there. OLD is a great way to do that. But...I get dates easily, and I feel like for me, dates just come and go...and I'm either missing the connection with someone, or they're a great person, but I'm not physically attracted to them. It's always one or the other. Or if I like them and they don't like me, which of course happens.

 

I think I'm burnt out...but I've been pushing myself to keep going. Because what other choice do I have? Especially as a man, I have to keep putting myself out there.

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't really buy the "it happens when you're not looking," thing either -- at least not in the literal sense. I spent YEARS "not looking," and, as predicted, not much happened. For me, it happened when I wasn't actively "looking" (I wasn't and never have used OLD sites -- never even signed up for one) but I WAS simultaneously OPEN to meeting someone AND focused on other things. I met my fiancee through a mutual friend -- she had known him for years, I had only known her for about a year, but she seemed to think that he and I would be a great match. I went into it pretty much expecting NOTHING -- after all, I'd been set up dozens and dozens of times, starting back in high school, and only one of those set-ups had ever gone past the first meeting/date. The rest, well, there was generally little to no interest on either side, except for the one I went on 3 or 4 dates with who seemed interested (and I was interested too) and he just disappeared on me. The only other guys I had dated I either met in school (back when I was in school), at work (I don't recommend this!) and through a singles group I was briefly a member of (an *interesting* experience, for sure!) So, when I met my fiancee for coffee the first time, I seriously thought, "Eh...another set-up that probably won't work, but hey, it's 45 minutes of my life, right? That's all I'm losing if nothing comes of it." We ended up meeting for about 90 minutes, and we really hit it off. I was so pleasantly surprised that it caught me off guard, actually!

 

My point is, it happened when I was open to meeting someone but not focused on it -- I was going about my life not worrying about whether or not I was dating anyone at that point -- but I definitely still had hope that it would happen one day. I actually felt like I was in this weird, Zen-like place where I was OK with whatever happened. (Now, I was a lot older than you, and I had decided I didn't want to have my own children, so there wasn't as much "pressure" for me, biologically/time speaking, to find someone and partner up.) I honestly believe, based on my almost-47 years of experience, that the good things that happen to us come to us from a combination of effort, a positive attitude (this is where that whole "The Secret" thing comes in, I think) AND a bit of chance/good timing. It's the chance/good timing bit that gets a lot of us stuck -- we can't really control that, and it's frustrating.

 

As I mentioned before, I never used online dating sites, despite tremendous pressure from family, friends, and one particularly adamant therapist. I just knew, in my core, that it wasn't a good idea for me. I'm in introvert with a personality type that only about 1% of the population possesses, and even the thought of doing online dating left me overwhelmed and exhausted -- too many options that, from what I've seen, truly lead to the "kid in a candy store" mentality, the idea that there might always be someone "better" out there, etc. -- I just didn't want to deal with all that, with going out with guys that I knew probably had several other dates lined up that same week, being one in many "competing" for the attention of a bunch of strangers. *shudder* NOTE: I realize that this is just MY view of online dating, that others don't see it this way, but this is how I see it, based on what I've read on this site and what friends and family have told me.

 

Keep up the good fight, JJ. She's out there!

[John John]

Thanks for what you said B.E.G. Always like hearing about your experience. I dunno...I'm sort of becoming resigned to the fact that this is how things are going to be for me.

 

I know there's always hope, but it's really hard to have hope at times. In my case, I feel like if I don't do online dating, I'm never going to meet anyone. I don't date people I work with as a rule, and while I have friends, they're all with people and don't seem to know anyone to set me up with. And then I feel like I'd have to re-engineer my life in order to meet women organically. I approach women in real life where I can, but women where I live mostly seem so closed off and most don't even make eye contact.

 

I guess you guys might take issue with this, but I'm not in a million clubs/groups and I don't like meetups. I've tried them a few times and just didn't like them. Maybe I'll try again? And singles events/parties are SO not for me. I am busy with my career and staying in shape, and when you factor in hanging out with friends and family, running errands (things have to get done some time!), and dates (a.k.a. "mini-errands"), I just don't have time to be involved in a million clubs in the hopes I will meet someone naturally/organically. Yeah I guess if I cut out online dating I'll have a little more time, but not a lot. I average about one date a week (I can't stomach anymore than that, nor do I have time or money).

 

So I feel like I'm stuck with online dating...or have very few prospects. I feel like in my case, it's all a matter of f#%king luck/timing, which I have zero control over. I'm not trying to deny accountability for my actions, and I think I've proven that. But I can't control luck/timing.

[faraday]

I think "it happens when you least expect it" should be amended to, "it happens when you're not over invested and desperately wanting it."

 

Because like browneyedgirl, I met Jay when I had decided it wasn't worth it to get stressed out about it...I really had kind of given up. I had just met two different guys that were calling me and asking me on second dates, and one of them was clearly not over his ex, and the other one was a total player...and I was thinking, "meh, maybe it's not my time." literally I think I wrote in my journal something like, "I'm just dating to get out of the house and meet people. I don't really care if I meet someone and it turns into a relationship. Cool if it happens, but whatever. I just want to have fun." And then a week later I was matched with Jay. And I didn't know he was like, the guy I'd marry...but I did like him right away. I was still way too much on my "no, f guys and relationships, I'm not investing!" mode, and I kept meeting new people for a few months after I met Jay...but my heart wasn't really in it, you know? I didn't want to like him though lol. I wanted to be all cool and aloof. Anyway, I stand by my amendment.

[John John]

Hahaha I get what you're saying. Thanks faraday.

 

I'm not desperate and overinvested. I'm just tired of it all, and maybe a bit conflicted. But I'm not desperate or coming across as too eager or getting excited too soon. I don't make those mistakes anymore (or at least, not nearly as often as I used to). I can give some recent examples to prove this, but I'm super busy right now, but I will update shortly with some examples

[LoveSoDeep]

I think what helps to is that the life I had envisioned for myself in the time frame I wanted has already passed me by, so now it's like "whatever, I'll just see what life has in store for me," since I know nothing will change without some luck. As I said earlier...if there's one thing I'm confident on, it's that I'm definitely doing everything right.

 

You know I think this can have a big effect on people. If there some age in your mind and you have a goal for something you want to happen before that age the couple years leading up to that age you freak out a little. Even if you think your fine somewhere on some level it's just eating away at you. Then once it's passed there's like this "Well, nothing I can do about that now." feeling and if you let that take over it really seems like life is a lot smoother after that. I think that was kind where I was at when I moved the the West coast...that and maybe just the laid back vibe I get from living here has really helped me just be content with what I have. Don;t be afraid to just be content with where you. I find that once you master that, and you're content with where you are things always take you somewhere totally new. It's like Murphy's Law.

[John John]

The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing...I am not a relationship person. The proof is in the pudding. My one major relationship failed and I haven't been in one since. And that's ok because I don't care if people are going to judge me for being alone. I'm getting very comfortable with being alone and I think I want to stop dating forever. I've already proven that I can make it through some really tough times alone so I know I'll be fine. It just really is all starting to make sense. I'm social but kind of a loner too in a way. I'm good

[Sportster2005]

The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing...I am not a relationship person. The proof is in the pudding. My one major relationship failed and I haven't been in one since. And that's ok because I don't care if people are going to judge me for being alone. I'm getting very comfortable with being alone and I think I want to stop dating forever. I've already proven that I can make it through some really tough times alone so I know I'll be fine. It just really is all starting to make sense. I'm social but kind of a loner too in a way. I'm good

 

Bull, that is all.

[John John]

Nothing much new to report, except one latest blunder that really has me stumped. Why I even bother to keep trying, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm looking for a basic human need that all of my friends have (that makes me even more acutely aware of my situation)?

 

I had a date and a half with a girl last week. We met for lunch one day because we work super close to each other, but we literally just met, bought lunch (I got her a sandwich), and then said we'd hang out again soon. We hung out the night after and we really hit it off (or so I thought). She had the same cancer that killed my mom, and has been in remission for about eight years. We opened up about things, and she even said she couldn't imagine having to watch someone die of cancer, as that's almost worse than having it yourself. I told her that I couldn't imagine the physical and mental hardships she had to endure firsthand. She also, like me, had a long-term relationship that ultimately went nowhere, so we bonded on that too. The night ended with her practically jumping on me to kiss me goodnight and saying "I definitely want to see you when I get back". A few days later, I texted her a picture of my gaudy swimshorts and captioned it "#beachswag." I was trying to make fun of myself, and based on our convo when we hung out, I thought she'd get the joke. Granted, it was a picture of my crotch area, but you couldn't see anything at all, and I thought the caption would show I was making fun of my own swim shorts (and two other girls I was texting replied right away and laughed and said they loved it). So I don't think it was that that turned her off, but maybe she got scared? I followed up with a text the next day saying that I hope my text wasn't seen as suggestive, but never heard back. That was Monday. I'm thinking of texting her one last time to reach out and let her know that I get the deep stuff because I can relate.

 

The only thing I can think of is that we bonded over the wrong things (cancer, loss, losing a long-term relationship, etc.). But I only went there because she did, and I definitely made her laugh a good amount (and I was laughing a good amount). It was NOT a sad/depressing conversation the way it might sound.

 

Just yet another missed connection. I keep saying to myself that I want to stop looking, and I do. I can only take so many disappointments (for whatever reason). But now I feel like this is starting subtly affect friendships. I was invited to a bbq this weekend, but it's all married couples with kids, and I just don't feel comfortable going. I know myself, and I struggle with comparisons (something I'm trying to work on in therapy), and going would make me feel like sh*t about myself, and I already feel like a failure as a man for being semi permanently single. It's just the way I personally feel. Remember, it's the man's job to go out there and find someone...at least, that's what we're all told.

 

I another flop date last week (didn't look anything like her photos), and saw friends at a bar immediately afterwards. I'm starting to not talk to any of my friends about dating, because they all have an opinion of me ("you're too picky" - which I'm not, it's more like I'm selective), so I keep it closely guarded. I think I put on a happy face as much as I could, and even though it was a guy's night out, they were all talking about their wives, gfs, and how one was going to propose soon...and I just felt so damn left out...and kinda hopeless...I feel like the only way to avoid that feeling is to stop hanging out with people who are married/with someone...but when all your friends have someone...you don't just dump them all. I love my friends...but it's very, very hard right now.

 

So yeah, that's it. Not sure what else to say. I'm even afraid to post on here because I feel like people here think I'm too picky (I'm not - I think I'm very realistic with the women I go after, but no one has any reason to believe that since no one knows me) and just a complainer (again, I'm not. Trying going through a half decade where you lose a long-term gf, two grandparents, your mom, have surgery, see all your friends walk off into the sunset with their wives/husbands...). So it is what it is. Nobody really understands me, and I can accept that because it's really only for ME to understand.

[LoveSoDeep]

Hey JJ!

 

OMG I've totally been there! It's like you really want to crawl under a rock and stop dating forever but you just can't because you really do want that connection. It's a vicious cycle. it sounds like you know yourself well enough to know you really do want companionship so you won't be happy if you give up the search completely but you know sometimes you just have to take a break (which I know you've done from time to time so you get that). You have to just keep trying new things until something sticks.

 

Have you tried those new groups that are like meet-up but are specifically for dating there's one here where they say they vet everyone before allowing them to join a group so it not just a bunch of weirdos. If I were single, I'd try it....because it's a bunch of single people getting out and doing stuff. If you don't connect with anyone you still got out and no one there tells stories about wives and SOs....maybe a good option for you right now.

 

About this girl you connected with...I would agree it's probably not the pic you sent her. I would guess you just bonded so deep so quickly that can be scary. Maybe she feels like she opened up too much. I would text her and stay away from the deep stuff just say you want to see her again and propose a date and an activity that's fun and interesting...like mini-golf or bowling or flying a kite...things that aren't just dinner that maybe she hasn't done in ages where you can laugh and have fun and relate on a happy level leave the deep stuff for another time.

[John John]

Thank you LSD! I will look into that group "dating" thing you mentioned. I'm not familiar with it, but it actually sounds pretty good.

 

I'm just tired of it all. But "the only way to stop dating is to keep dating" so I'm stuck on the hamster wheel until something finally sticks (i.e. I finally find someone I like who likes me back and doesn't play games/disappear, etc.).

 

Just gotta keep going...as exhausted as I am...I sorta refuse to take a break...but maybe I need one. I just don't want to waste time...

[LoveSoDeep]

Thank you LSD! I will look into that group "dating" thing you mentioned. I'm not familiar with it, but it actually sounds pretty good.

 

I'm just tired of it all. But "the only way to stop dating is to keep dating" so I'm stuck on the hamster wheel until something finally sticks (i.e. I finally find someone I like who likes me back and doesn't play games/disappear, etc.).

 

Just gotta keep going...as exhausted as I am...I sorta refuse to take a break...but maybe I need one. I just don't want to waste time...

 

YUP! I have been there too. That feeling of wasting time is the worst! That was exactly where I was when I decided to message like 3 people on happn. I picked 3 profiles that just spoke to me and messaged them even if I thought they wouldn't respond. A was one of those guys. His smile was so genuine, but he is almost 5 years younger than me and I had no idea if he even like white girls to begin with....lucky me he almost exclusively dates older white women. lol My point is, I didn't even expect it to work and it worked. I know if you keep trying you'll find what you are looking for.

 

The new singles things here are called "In the Loop" and "Events and Adventures." If they really are what they say they are, then they are everything I wanted Meet-up to be. If nothing else it's not a BBQ where all your buddies are talking about wives and gfs.

[John John]

Einstein supposedly defined insanity as the act of doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. I am not insane...but by his definition I am, as I've been trying online dating for years, and nothing seems to work. And I just don't have many opportunities to meet attractive women in real life, but I have tried to approach wherever possible. But so many women where I live just seem so closed off, defensive, have resting b*tchface, constantly on their phones, walking 1000 mph so you don't attempt to talk to them, etc. It's virtually impossible to even make eye contact with women these days (at least, where I live). And my friends are no use as they're all coupled up and when I hang out with them, it's just not conducive to meeting anyone. And no one seems to know anyone to set me up with, even though everyone (Supposedly! Maybe they're dissing me behind my back lol) loves me and thinks I'm "total package" "an amazing guy/catch" "hot/sexy/handsome", etc.......

 

I honestly believe a huge part of my problem is my blatantly and consistently bad luck. I know people might accuse me of using that as an excuse so as to not have to do the "work." But I have been on countless dates and I am really, really tired of it. I've tried almost every online dating app, have messaged a ton of women, have taken chances on women I wasn't that attracted to based on their photos, have tried dating outside my "type"...it's not like I haven't done the damn "work." I feel like I'm in a major catch-22 because everyone and their mother says to "be happy on your own" "it happens when you stop looking" "you'll find someone when you least expect it" but at my age, it's a) almost impossible to NOT be looking and b) how can you be happy when this is affecting your social life, since you're the only single one out of all your friends? How can you be happy when you sometimes find yourself totally alone on weekends? I mean, those weekends are nice once in a while...but after a while...it sorta hurts.

 

Just as a disclaimer, I want to say I only discuss this with two very close friends, and my dad. I don't talk about how horrible I feel to most of my friends. I feel like they (and probably you guys here on ENA lol) have a certain opinion of me (that I'm "too picky," which is really unfair...), so I keep it close to the grid from now on. So...if it seems like I'm "super depressed/complaining" from my post, it's sort of a vent in that I don't have many people to really discuss this with in real life. So take that into consideration.

 

I would love to know what people mean by "make your own luck?" How the hell do I do that? If I don't cross paths with someone I like who likes me back (whether it's online or in real life), how the hell can I "make my own luck?" I know opportunity favors the prepared mind...but if I'm not afforded the opportunity...nothing is going to change.

 

I'm open to suggestions, even if that means simply "keep trying." However, I will say...when I email women now (at least, today)...I have this anger as I draft up emails to them. I know no one or life in general owes me anything...but I am angry at all the effort I've been putting in and still not finding what I want. I often think to myself (and maybe I'm wrong for this) "This girl is roughly around my 'level,' but she's gonna ignore me and go for someone 'perfect' but whatever, I'll still email her." My daily routine is such that I really don't meet a lot of single women, and weekends are kinda tough because all my friends have someone, so I can only hang out with them so much before a) they (understandably!) do things on their own or b) it starts to actually hurt to hang out with them. So I feel like I have to keep doing OLD, but I am so damn tired of it...

 

I mean not in a d*ck way, but I think I'm a solid 7.5/8 all things considered! I'm far from perfect and I have my baggage, but I think I'm pretty good at managing it (I wouldn't get second, third, fourth, etc. dates if this weren't true!). I make pretty good money (over 100K), have saved up enough to seriously look into buying a house with a backyard/pool (on my own!!!), have no debt, am in the best shape of my life (lean 175lbs, with abs - never had those before!!), have a solid wardrobe (which I'm always trying to improve since I know women care about that), am intelligent with a master's degree, a good conversationalist, can make women laugh...and I'm NOT shooting for women out of my league.

 

What the hell do I have to freaking do...?

[faraday]

"Making your own luck" is making opportunities. You talk about how being single is negatively impacting your social life because all of your friends are coupled up....so make new friends. Do new things that you don't normally do. Go sign up for classes learning something new that is out of your comfort zone...join a meet up group and go to it weekly...where you don't know anyone and you do something new. Don't go with the intention of meeting women...go with the intention of having fun. That's what all of the "it happens when you least expect it" anecdotes come from.

 

Let go of the outcome. You're so focused on the endgame...of course you're not having any fun. Enjoy the process, the journey...and if you can't....if you can't even enjoy a day or evening out meeting new people...it's going to be really hard to attract a quality person.

[John John]

You make a lot of good suggestions, and I will look into them. But I never said I didn't appreciate a night out to meet new people. I have made some good friends...it just turns out even they are in relationships. Trust me...I have definitely worked on making new friends. The main thing is that, even after all that effort, I still have no single friends to hang out with. And...it's just been a long journey. That's why I'm tired of it. I've been alone for a long time now. It gets old after a while.

[faraday]

You make a lot of good suggestions, and I will look into them. But I never said I didn't appreciate a night out to meet new people. I have made some good friends...it just turns out even they are in relationships. Trust me...I have definitely worked on making new friends. The main thing is that, even after all that effort, I still have no single friends to hang out with. And...it's just been a long journey. That's why I'm tired of it. I've been alone for a long time now. It gets old after a while.

 

My post says meet single friends. There are lots of single people in the world. Lots in your city.

[John John]

My post says meet single friends. There are lots of single people in the world. Lots in your city.

 

Understood. It's not like I haven't tried. I've made two good new friends in the past year, even went to one's wedding. It just so happened that they are both coupled up. Unless you're at a single's club/meet-up or something, you can't always specifically make new friends that are single, you know? But you're totally right, and it's something I need to work on (making new single friends).

 

My frustration stems from the fact that I really have been doing the "work"; meeting as many new women as I can, following up with the ones I liked, biting the bullet and being the odd wheel (so I can at least be "out there" and maybe meet someone), ask friends if they know anyone (only ask this once in a while, don't want to annoy them - they don't seem to know anyone, so I stopped asking), have been trying to make new friends, been going to therapy. I really have been doing the "work," and I've been doing it for a long time now. I'm not going to give up...but after a while...especially when it seems others achieve it so easily...it's mentally exhausting. And then I can't help but think I just need a stroke of "luck" (meeting the right woman)...and that one ingredient (no matter how much I "work" at the other areas) is really mostly out of my control. There have been plenty of women I've liked and followed up with, they just didn't like me. And plenty have liked me that I haven't liked (and I've given them a fair shot).

 

That's where my frustration comes from. I'm not lazy and not unwilling to take peoples' advice and do the work.

[LoveSoDeep]

Hey JJ!

 

Listen, from someone who has met you in person I agree with your assessment. You're a good looking guy and you have a lot going for you in other areas. I also think you'r realistic enough to know even if you are a great guy you may not be every woman's ideal catch. So yes there is a bit of luck involved.

 

I will say if you sit down to write e-mails to women and you just feel angry about it....then it might be time to take a few days off.

 

Making single friends is not easy. Honestly, i still haven't mastered that. I bought books on the subject and went on a bunch of meet-ups and I'd meet people I could see myself being friends with and after a couple weeks they would fade away. Admittedly 50% of the blame on the fading was probably on me. It's just as much work to start a new friendship as it is to start a new romantic relationship. And when what you really want is the romantic relationship it's hard to convince yourself to do all that work for platonic friendships....at least for me it was.

 

I know you're not picky. I believe you when you say you've tired women who weren't quite your type and all those other things and good for you for doing that. You quoted the definition of insanity before and said you're not insane but you feel like you're doing the same thing. I think all the things you are doing are the right things....but maybe every once in a while you should just shake it up...do something you don't think will work that is still totally authentic. Like I have a friend who tell the WORST jokes and every once in a while she'll just send out a OLD e-mail with a terrible pun or joke (to a guy she just has a hunch might find it amusing of course). It's different and engaging and it's totally her. If the guy responds they already have that in common and it hasn't found her a husband yet but I think it makes OLD bearable for her. Try something off the wall that is also totally authentic to you with the thought that if nothing else it might lead to a few good conversations.

 

I think this also ties back to not focusing so much on the end game. Maybe right now you need to find a way to enjoy OLD...it's hard trust me I know it's hard but it's like your job....if you have to drag yourself to it every day you're gonna get burnt out. Try to find a way to lighten things up and at least try to make it less of a chore.