What makes a man go back to an abusive woman?

[parrot]

I re-read your update a few times and to be honest, I get more and more angry with your psychologist every time I read it. He has no business making assumptions about your ex based solely off what you've said about him, and I think it was highly unprofessional of him to tell you he will probably come back to you. And why on EARTH should you continue to be present in your ex's life when he dumped you for another woman?? Why does he deserve to have you hanging around on the sideline, "being positive" for him? Good guy or not... he shouldn't be able to have his cake and eat it too.

 

I don't want to come across as harsh. I just know you've been wrestling with this quite a bit, and I want you to find some peace. I think you got some terrible advice from the psychologist and I worry that if you follow it, you'll continue to struggle with this for a long time.

[Ms Darcy]

So, I agree with Batya and I can't help but wonder if what the psychologist said was a bit misinterpreted. For example, he could have been trying to focus on the fact that you need to move on. And perhaps his point was that you might be able to move on while being open to the possibility of him changing AND wanting to come back to you as two positive outcomes.

 

What I find strange about the advice is that he takes the words of someone hurting and essentially sides with your perspective AND offers some prediction of the future. He's not a mindreader and he should know better. Did he say that to make you feel better in the short term? But in the long run what impact does that advice have on your ability to accept breakups and heal?

 

Are you planning to see him again?

[CharlieGurl]

I have total mixed reviews about what he said. Boltrun, of course I told him the truth about everything. Everything and more than I've said here. In detail.

 

In a way, it was everything I wanted to hear. But in a way it was not helpful because it doesn't change anything. And if nothing changes, I will continue to feel this way.

 

I am just trying to stay afloat at this point.

[Liraele]

Actually, you answered the question IN your original post.

 

They're co-dependent.

 

Can't compete with that.

[qwaspolk82]

So many of you will have read my story...in brief, I met someone who was just out of a 7 year toxic, abusive relationship. We dated for 2 months and had a really amazing time together.

 

A few weeks ago, he decided he "was still hung up on his ex" and went back to her.

 

What makes someone go back to a toxic, co-dependent person time and time again? Especially after dating someone like me who is "normal" and non-toxic, loving and whom he said "is the total package".

 

I believe this was the 5th time they've split up in the last 2-3 years. I just don't get it. He didn't seem to have low self-esteem when we were together, but we were only 2 months into it...

 

He did say a few times that how "good it was scared him". When I asked "why?", he said "because I wonder what you're like after the honeymoon stage..."

 

I know that for whatever reason he's just not ready to leave her, and that he wanted to try again. He said he is skeptical and negative around her, and when i asked "and how do you feel around me?" he said "like anything in the world is possible. And I don't have a care in the world. And I actually feel happy".

 

SO WHY!?!?!?

 

The same reasons women go back to abusive men. Abusive people are good at manipulation. Also - people who are in abusive relationships and aren't over them feel like maybe "this" time things will change.

 

I was in a four year relationship and we did get married, had a kid and he was abusive physically and emotionally. I shouldn't have gone back after the first time he laid a hand on me but I did. He had "changed." I loved him. Then I got pregnant. The worst part was the drug addiction. I thought leaving him I was abandoning him. Blah blah. He knew how to work me.

 

Maybe this guy's ex is the same way it's hard to know.

 

Also that's how people are when they enter a stable relationship not trusting it and thinking it's too good to be true. My stepmom wrote me when I was in Iraq and asked what I thought about her and my dad getting married. I said you better do it before someone else gets him. She said that it seemed too good to be true with my dad. She had married her first husband twice. He was abusive. Her second husband also abusive. They all, of course, started out nice. So she didn't want to be duped again. I told her that my dad is the real deal. He doesn't play games. He's one of the few nice guys left.

 

You have to realize abusive people don't start out abusive. They start out as seemingly nice, charismatic people.

 

I think your boyfriend wasn't over her yet and probably shouldn't have started dating yet. It's really hard to give yourself over to someone after being repeatedly beaten down and had your heart stomped on. I know right now, I have absolutely zero urge to date anyone. The thought of meeting someone new scares me because I feel like I'll make the same mistake again and I have a child to worry about bringing a new person around.

 

My mom - she said the same things to my dad. She cheated on him and ended up leaving but when he would ask her if she loved him she said yes but she said "I'm not good enough for you." He got irritated like you and said well obviously you are I married you.

 

It's just really hard to get past abusive or toxic relationships. It's hard to understand if you haven't ever experienced it. If he comes back to you, and you want to try again, have a serious talk with him that you aren't playing games. If he has stated he's working it out with her, move along. Trust me you don't want the can of worms.

[CharlieGurl]

So, I agree with Batya and I can't help but wonder if what the psychologist said was a bit misinterpreted. For example, he could have been trying to focus on the fact that you need to move on. And perhaps his point was that you might be able to move on while being open to the possibility of him changing AND wanting to come back to you as two positive outcomes.

 

What I find strange about the advice is that he takes the words of someone hurting and essentially sides with your perspective AND offers some prediction of the future. He's not a mindreader and he should know better. Did he say that to make you feel better in the short term? But in the long run what impact does that advice have on your ability to accept breakups and heal?

 

Are you planning to see him again?

 

I really don't know what could have been misinterpreted. He didn't specifically say "wait for him" but he said he thinks he will see the light eventually and because things seemed so good between us, that it was worth trying again if/when the opportunity presented itself. He did also say "they didn't give me a crystal ball, of course, but from my years of experience in the field, this is what my gut is telling me with this guy".

 

Yeah, maybe he was just telling me what I need to hear for the short term, to help me get through the day or whatever.

 

I don't plan on seeing him again. He didn't really offer me any advice or how to improve my mental state with all of this. All he said was "it's too bad there isn't more to do in this town to keep you occupied"...

 

But in a way it was everything I wanted to hear. I don't feel any better off going to see him, and I feel like it was a waste of $150 that I don't have. Maybe it was my fault for not specifically saying "I want to get over him, tell me how". I just told him the whole story, all the details. And our history in relationships. He does say my ex is obviously messed up and obviously in something that he feels is all he deserves.

[boltnrun]

I have total mixed reviews about what he said. Boltrun, of course I told him the truth about everything. Everything and more than I've said here. In detail.

 

In a way, it was everything I wanted to hear. But in a way it was not helpful because it doesn't change anything. And if nothing changes, I will continue to feel this way.

 

I am just trying to stay afloat at this point.

 

Not sure how I got involved, Charlie, since I didn't even comment about what you wrote about the psychologist!!

 

All I have to say is I disagree with waiting around, continuing communication and "being positive for him". That's it.

[CharlieGurl]

Not sure how I got involved, Charlie, since I didn't even comment about what you wrote about the psychologist!!

 

All I have to say is I disagree with waiting around, continuing communication and "being positive for him". That's it.

 

Agh! Sorry Boltrun, I meant Batya. Sorry about that.

[Ms Darcy]

But in a way it was everything I wanted to hear. I don't feel any better off going to see him, and I feel like it was a waste of $150 that I don't have.

 

Maybe it was my fault for not specifically saying "I want to get over him, tell me how".

 

Yeah for that kind of money, I would definitely go in with a plan about what I want to accomplish/get out of the discussion. You did nothing wrong there. It's just a lesson learned.

[CharlieGurl]

Yeah for that kind of money, I would definitely go in with a plan about what I want to accomplish/get out of the discussion. You did nothing wrong there. It's just a lesson learned.

 

I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. I just wanted to feel better. I did tell him that. I told him I was tired of crying every day and that I know all of this is not completely about this one person. But he all he said in that regard is that he thought I was struggling more than I normally would because I am in a new town, feeling isolated and that I don't have my normal coping mechanisms (which is exactly what I said here a few days ago). And that's when he said it was a shame there wasn't more to do to keep me occupied in this town.

[Batya33]

I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. I just wanted to feel better. I did tell him that. I told him I was tired of crying every day and that I know all of this is not completely about this one person. But he all he said in that regard is that he thought I was struggling more than I normally would because I am in a new town, feeling isolated and that I don't have my normal coping mechanisms (which is exactly what I said here a few days ago). And that's when he said it was a shame there wasn't more to do to keep me occupied in this town.

Change that from passive to active. A town doesn't "keep you occupied" - you keep you occupied. You could be in the busiest most active city and still feel bored, lonely,etc if you expected something external to keep you occupied. It's about seeing things with fresh eyes in a child like (not childish) way. My 7 year old invented something at 7am this morning using a tape measure and our rocking chair and some random toys which triggered a 15 minute discussion about being an inventor and protecting one's inventions. I challenge you to get out there and explore with fresh eyes or at least get out there and while you're walking briskly listen to a podcast you've never listened to before. People watch if that gets your brain working. Use a spice you've never used before and Google a recipe for it and cook it. No need for "I wish" - instead "I will".

[Hollyj]

I would find a new doctor.

[Pdewitt]

Little tough love here. Sorry, you really need to move in know this is tough we have all been where you are.

 

Go back through these 17 pages of posts and read just yours. You yourself have listed sooooo many reasons that he is 100% toxic for you. Do you really want to be with someone that has the mentality to do the things he has done and made he decisions he has made? Let's say y'all did get back together and made a life and had children yadda yadda yadda. Would or could you really trust this person to be faithful and make the right decisions for you and your children? If you answered yourself honestly it would be hell no.

 

You are destroying yourself over something that would NOT have lasted til your golden years. Look how much time you have already wasted thinking of him. Thank the Lord you learned all of this before you became attachéd to him for life and out little ones in the middle of it.

 

Remember if it's not for eternity then its just a life experience. You really need to get over this before you reach a place there is no coming back from. You are a great, unique , beautiful person you will eventually be with someone that will see all of that and this will just be looked at as a speed bump in the road.

[RainyCoast]

charlie, you okay luv?

[Heather Dawn]

Your psychologist needs to be stripped of his license.

 

I've stayed away from further discussion with you, CG, because your first few threads became incredibly frustrating. But I'll say this - you definitely need some professional help, but not with this psychologist (assuming the conversation truly went down that way; you may very well be an unreliable narrator).

 

I'm starting to feel like this is some sort of nervous breakdown. You're so laser-focused on this man you briefly and casually dated for eight weeks, and so utterly grief-stricken and devastated...it's beyond the pale.

[CharlieGurl]

Your psychologist needs to be stripped of his license.

 

I've stayed away from further discussion with you, CG, because your first few threads became incredibly frustrating. But I'll say this - you definitely need some professional help, but not with this psychologist (assuming the conversation truly went down that way; you may very well be an unreliable narrator).

I'm starting to feel like this is some sort of nervous breakdown. You're so laser-focused on this man you briefly and casually dated for eight weeks, and so utterly grief-stricken and devastated...it's beyond the pale.

 

 

You seem like a kind and caring person, Heather, but with all due respect, I think that you are out of line telling someone they are possibly having a nervous breakdown and that they "should" be over something after a "casual" (what is your definition of casual because I'm sure this wasn't it) 8 week relationship, even knowing the circumstances in terms of spending every day with someone for that period of time. From all the psychological literature I've read, grief is subjective and there is no specific time that someone should or should no be over someone.

 

I have told you how I've appreciated the time you've taken to write and the things you've said to try to help and you don't seem to believe me because I won't tell him not to text me or because I continue to feel the grief of losing him. I have also said that I realize this isn't all about him and our relationship but also because of my current situation being in a town where I don't really know anyone or have much to do other than school. I'm sure there are many others who would be experiencing this as well. In fact, I've had several people write me privately to let me know they have experienced something similar, but don't want to post here because they're afraid of being told they should be over it or that there's something wrong with them for feeling this way.

 

I am quite certain that if I was, indeed, having a nervous breakdown, I wouldn't be able to function with school and be successful in the hospital where I'm currently doing my placement.

 

Thank you for your opinions on my situation. I have taken in much of what you've said over the last month, whether you believe that or not, and I did understand why you had left my threads, and I was okay with that and understand that I was frustrating you - which I assure you, I wasn't doing to anyone on purpose.

[CharlieGurl]

charlie, you okay luv?

 

HI RainyCoast,

 

Yes, I'm doing ok, thank you. I think the hardest parts are over and I'm just focusing on moving forward and trying to just accept that things are the way they are will be what they will be.

 

Coming here has been helpful on a lot of levels...mostly to be able to get out my obsessive thoughts and hear that I will be okay. Your advice has been so helpful for me, as I tried desperately to understand his past and present motives.

 

I won't likely be posting any more of my story/situation here. I am trying to move forward and although I'm doing okay, coming here and talking about it still upsets me. I guess it's a positive thing, not wanting to talk about it 24/7 anymore.

 

Thank you all for the time you've taken to read my threads and offer advice. I assure you, it's helped, and I'm doing better in many ways and will continue to move forward and carry on with life.

 

CG

[Ms Darcy]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I hope that you can continue to move forward in a healthy way.

[CharlieGurl]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I hope that you can continue to move forward in a healthy way.

 

Thank you very much, Ms.Darcy. I will be okay. It just takes me longer than most, I suppose, and this unique situation has made it more difficult for sure, but I'll be okay.

[Heather Dawn]

You seem like a kind and caring person, Heather, but with all due respect, I think that you are out of line telling someone they are possibly having a nervous breakdown and that they "should" be over something after a "casual" (what is your definition of casual because I'm sure this wasn't it) 8 week relationship, even knowing the circumstances in terms of spending every day with someone for that period of time. From all the psychological literature I've read, grief is subjective and there is no specific time that someone should or should no be over someone.

 

I have told you how I've appreciated the time you've taken to write and the things you've said to try to help and you don't seem to believe me because I won't tell him not to text me or because I continue to feel the grief of losing him. I have also said that I realize this isn't all about him and our relationship but also because of my current situation being in a town where I don't really know anyone or have much to do other than school. I'm sure there are many others who would be experiencing this as well. In fact, I've had several people write me privately to let me know they have experienced something similar, but don't want to post here because they're afraid of being told they should be over it or that there's something wrong with them for feeling this way.

 

I am quite certain that if I was, indeed, having a nervous breakdown, I wouldn't be able to function with school and be successful in the hospital where I'm currently doing my placement.

 

Thank you for your opinions on my situation. I have taken in much of what you've said over the last month, whether you believe that or not, and I did understand why you had left my threads, and I was okay with that and understand that I was frustrating you - which I assure you, I wasn't doing to anyone on purpose.

 

It's not out of line to give an opinion, which is what I was doing. And nervous breakdowns take many forms - aside from school, you don't seem to be functioning on any sort of normal level at this point. I'm certainly not diagnosing you - I'm just saying what others before me have said, which is that this is NOT a normal reaction by any means. Not anymore.

 

But, as I believe Holly said earlier, "I'm out." Someone else pointed out that this has become a hamster wheel where you seem to be asking for help, then not doing what is suggested, only to ask for help again. Though I'm glad you've sought out professional counseling (albeit with someone who sounds like an enabler, so...).

 

I hope you get better and I hope you find a better psychologist.

[RainyCoast]

the things that take the most time and effort often prove to be the most worthwile. one step at a time. my thoughts are with you.