What makes a man go back to an abusive woman?

[CharlieGurl]

I have made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. I can't seem to get myself together. My dad has offered to pay for the help for me but I feel really bad taking it because I just feel like a failure asking my dad to pay for something for me at my age. But since I'm back in school, as I've mentioned, there is really no extra money and these sessions are expensive. I'm hoping that I'll only need a few to help me get back on my feet.

 

Just thought I would share.

[lostlove76]

I have made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. I can't seem to get myself together. My dad has offered to pay for the help for me but I feel really bad taking it because I just feel like a failure asking my dad to pay for something for me at my age. But since I'm back in school, as I've mentioned, there is really no extra money and these sessions are expensive. I'm hoping that I'll only need a few to help me get back on my feet.

 

Just thought I would share.

 

Don't feel bad; I'm sure he's glad to do it. I'm around your age, and my parents have offered to pay for counseling as well. I haven't gotten that started yet -- it just takes me a long time to get to things -- but if and when I do, they will be paying. Let us know how it goes.

[boltnrun]

I have made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. I can't seem to get myself together. My dad has offered to pay for the help for me but I feel really bad taking it because I just feel like a failure asking my dad to pay for something for me at my age. But since I'm back in school, as I've mentioned, there is really no extra money and these sessions are expensive. I'm hoping that I'll only need a few to help me get back on my feet.

 

Just thought I would share.

 

I think that's an excellent idea. I'm sure you're tired of feeling bad all the time.

[CharlieGurl]

I think that's an excellent idea. I'm sure you're tired of feeling bad all the time.

 

You have no idea. I haven't felt this bad over a break up since my first boyfriend.

 

I guess it's just a mix of the way I felt about him and the fact that I don't have my normal coping mechanisms here where I am. I feel crushed with sadness and to be honest, I'm worried about myself. The feeling of wanting to be better but not physically finding the strength to do much of anything while I'm in this town has really been hard. I am proud that I've not missed any school, that my grades are being maintained, and that I have forced myself to leave for the weekend for the last 3 weeks. But there doesn't seem to have been much of a shift (maybe a little from time to time).

 

I just think having someplace to go to a professional might be good for me.

[CharlieGurl]

Don't feel bad; I'm sure he's glad to do it. I'm around your age, and my parents have offered to pay for counseling as well. I haven't gotten that started yet -- it just takes me a long time to get to things -- but if and when I do, they will be paying. Let us know how it goes.

 

Thanks LL. My dad hates to see me like this and he feels so helpless. I have tried to hide it from him but he's my closest person and he sees right through it. I feel like I almost owe it to him to give it a try because I want to feel better, not just for me, but for him too.

 

I will definitely let you know how it goes.

[boltnrun]

You might be having a depressed episode.

 

I had one several years ago. I was very, very ill (I had a potentially fatal disease), was missing lots of work due to the illness, and was physically unable to care for my teenage children. I felt horrible that my wonderful kids had to spend their summer vacation cooking, cleaning and doing laundry because I was unable to do any of those things. Then I found out that the guy I'd thought I was in an exclusive relationship with had moved another woman into his house while I was in the hospital suffering from a major complication of my disease.

 

I went to see my primary car doctor after I was released from the hospital. Now, I am NOT a crier but when my doctor so much as asked me a routine question (such as "how are you feeling after your episode?"), tears ran down my face. I couldn't control them. My doctor told me "I've been treating you for years and I KNOW you. And this is NOT you."

 

She was right. She took me through the usual psychological questions she was required to ask (such as "do you believe you may harm yourself?") and then wrote me a referral to a therapist. She also put me on a 30 day medical leave of absence from my job, since she believed my depression was so severe I would be completely unable to work.

 

I did see the therapist, who convinced me that unless and until I dealt with my depressed episode, I would not be any good for my children. And the therapist was right.

 

I do believe that if I hadn't been physically ill, I wouldn't have reacted so badly to my ex's betrayal. But since I was weak from being sick, it was more difficult for me to deal with. If some dude tried that with me today I'd tell him to go pound sand.

 

I believe if you weren't away from your support structure this breakup wouldn't have affected you as strongly. But since it did, I think getting help is a great idea. I know it helped me immensely.

[CharlieGurl]

You might be having a depressed episode.

 

I had one several years ago. I was very, very ill (I had a potentially fatal disease), was missing lots of work due to the illness, and was physically unable to care for my teenage children. I felt horrible that my wonderful kids had to spend their summer vacation cooking, cleaning and doing laundry because I was unable to do any of those things. Then I found out that the guy I'd thought I was in an exclusive relationship with had moved another woman into his house while I was in the hospital suffering from a major complication of my disease.

 

I went to see my primary car doctor after I was released from the hospital. Now, I am NOT a crier but when my doctor so much as asked me a routine question (such as "how are you feeling after your episode?"), tears ran down my face. I couldn't control them. My doctor told me "I've been treating you for years and I KNOW you. And this is NOT you."

 

She was right. She took me through the usual psychological questions she was required to ask (such as "do you believe you may harm yourself?") and then wrote me a referral to a therapist. She also put me on a 30 day medical leave of absence from my job, since she believed my depression was so severe I would be completely unable to work.

 

I did see the therapist, who convinced me that unless and until I dealt with my depressed episode, I would not be any good for my children. And the therapist was right.

 

I do believe that if I hadn't been physically ill, I wouldn't have reacted so badly to my ex's betrayal. But since I was weak from being sick, it was more difficult for me to deal with. If some dude tried that with me today I'd tell him to go pound sand.

 

I believe if you weren't away from your support structure this breakup wouldn't have affected you as strongly. But since it did, I think getting help is a great idea. I know it helped me immensely.

 

My goodness, I'm so sorry that happened to you...while you were in the hospital no less. I'm glad to hear you made it through but I bet it was a very difficult struggle.

 

I totally agree. If I were not where I am right now, I don't think I'd be taking this as hard. Or if I did, I would at least be further on in my healing. As I've said, I've had many breakups but this one has just been so different and difficult.

 

I don't know if it's a depression episode but my concern is that if I don't get help, it might turn into that. I feel immense sadness and I think, at least from what we're learning in school, depression is more flat...unfeeling...nothing matters. Whereas what I'm feeling is that everything matters so much more than it probably should, y'know? Hard to explain.

 

I'm typically a goof ball (voted class clown in high school lol)...I like to make people smile and laugh and am almost always in good spirits. But there is sadness in my life, deep down, and maybe it resurfaces when something happens. I think it's time to deal with some things that maybe I have been putting off.

[Ms Darcy]

I have made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. I can't seem to get myself together. My dad has offered to pay for the help for me but I feel really bad taking it because I just feel like a failure asking my dad to pay for something for me at my age. But since I'm back in school, as I've mentioned, there is really no extra money and these sessions are expensive. I'm hoping that I'll only need a few to help me get back on my feet.

 

Just thought I would share.

 

Good for you! That's a huge, positive first step.

[Wiseman2]

I like to make people smile and laugh and am almost always in good spirits. But there is sadness in my life, deep down

[video=youtube;HsI-DB-25e8] ]

[CharlieGurl]

so true, Wiseman

[CharlieGurl]

Good for you! That's a huge, positive first step.

 

Thanks. I hope it helps. I'm worried for myself.

[lostlove76]

Thanks. I hope it helps. I'm worried for myself.

 

I think you will be okay, although I know it doesn't feel like it right now. Counseling is a great step. Time also helps. I felt about as low as I could get for quite some time, and after one particularly bad night, I decided I needed counseling too. I still haven't initiated the process, but for some reason I started feeling better after that. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be. I'm still sad and hurt and angry, and he's on my mind a lot. But I think it's finally feeling a little bit less awful. For a long time, I was at a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most empty and miserable that you could get. Now I'm at maybe a 5 or 6 most of the time, with a few rare and short-lasting moments of a 7 or 8. Nothing has changed but the passing of time. I'm telling you this because I'm maybe a month (?) ahead of you, and when I was where you are, I was a bit worried for myself too. I thought it would never ever get better. But it has, and you'll get there too. It doesn't mean I no longer care, but I've become a bit more numb to it all. I've finally just accepted it, because I had to. It will be a while longer, maybe a long while, before I don't care at all. But I'm finally able to cope with it. You will be okay!!!

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks. I hope it helps. I'm worried for myself.

 

Why are you worried?

[CharlieGurl]

Why are you worried?

 

Because this is the lowest I've felt in 20 years and I'm clearly not dealing with it well. Sure, I have had sad moments/episodes along the way but I've always been able to snap myself out of it eventually and carry on and go back to myself. 3 weeks of this and I feel unhealthy and trapped in my head and the saddest I've been for, like I said, a very long time. It feels like it will never change.

 

I'm not suicidal but I don't want to live like this if that makes any sense. And I don't just mean right now in this state - I don't want to live a life without the things I want in my life but they all seem so out of my control/reach. It's like I'm already mourning the life I've lost when I know there's still a chance for me to have those things - I just don't believe I will ever get them.

 

I know you think I should just get out and do things or whatever but when you want to feel better but can't seem to make the effort to do it, there's something deeper happening.

 

Maybe I'm just worse right now because it's now the longest I've gone without talking to him and it feels more officially over now and it's brought me down.

[CharlieGurl]

I think you will be okay, although I know it doesn't feel like it right now. Counseling is a great step. Time also helps. I felt about as low as I could get for quite some time, and after one particularly bad night, I decided I needed counseling too. I still haven't initiated the process, but for some reason I started feeling better after that. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be. I'm still sad and hurt and angry, and he's on my mind a lot. But I think it's finally feeling a little bit less awful. For a long time, I was at a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most empty and miserable that you could get. Now I'm at maybe a 5 or 6 most of the time, with a few rare and short-lasting moments of a 7 or 8. Nothing has changed but the passing of time. I'm telling you this because I'm maybe a month (?) ahead of you, and when I was where you are, I was a bit worried for myself too. I thought it would never ever get better. But it has, and you'll get there too. It doesn't mean I no longer care, but I've become a bit more numb to it all. I've finally just accepted it, because I had to. It will be a while longer, maybe a long while, before I don't care at all. But I'm finally able to cope with it. You will be okay!!!

 

I think you should get some help too, LL. Who wants to go on in a life at 5-6 and sometimes a 7-8. Maybe counselling will help you. If it doesn't, you can stop. It's worth a shot.

[lostlove76]

I think you should get some help too, LL. Who wants to go on in a life at 5-6 and sometimes a 7-8. Maybe counselling will help you. If it doesn't, you can stop. It's worth a shot.

 

I know. I still feel pretty crappy. I guess I was thinking that since it's gotten better, that it will continue to get better just with the passing of time. That's what I was thinking when I wrote that post, and it's what I've been hoping would happen. But maybe I should still go for therapy. I still have all these intrusive thoughts of him and her together, and it really sucks. So I will consider it. I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible. I was trying to give you a little hope that it will get better, but you're right, a 5 or 6 isn't what we should be aiming for. Hugs.

[CharlieGurl]

I know. I still feel pretty crappy. I guess I was thinking that since it's gotten better, that it will continue to get better just with the passing of time. That's what I was thinking when I wrote that post, and it's what I've been hoping would happen. But maybe I should still go for therapy. I still have all these intrusive thoughts of him and her together, and it really sucks. So I will consider it. I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible. I was trying to give you a little hope that it will get better, but you're right, a 5 or 6 isn't what we should be aiming for. Hugs.

 

You have been so kind, LL, sharing your feelings and story with me to make me feel better. It has helped to know that I'm not alone in my sadness (not that I want others to suffer, of course, but you know what I mean).

 

I think it's safe to say that it would get better in time for you...it has in the past for me, and it would for you as well. I think the reason I'm suggesting counselling for you now and probably why I think it's a good idea for me, is to see what the underlying issues are that have got us to the point where this kind of life event is so excruciatingly painful and difficult for us. For me, it's clear that a lot of this stems from being lonely and feeling like I'll never have what I want in life in terms of family/husband etc. And every time I lose someone after a break up, it hits me so hard that I am alone again. And some break-ups, like this one, are so much harder than others for one reason or another (this time because I don't have my normal coping mechanisms and because I truly felt something for/with him that I haven't in 10 years), and it requires more, I believe, than just the passing of time. I also believe that feeling the pain and working through it rather than distracting myself/yourself with activities or new past-times etc, is what is necessary to get past this particular break-up. Other break-ups weren't nearly this difficult for me, and finding things to do, hanging out with friends, keeping myself occupied, was all I needed. This time is just different.

 

Why stay at a 5-6 most days when maybe trying a different option for healing could bring you down to a 2-3 or even a 3-4 quicker than if you were doing it alone? And if it doesn't have the outcome you want, you can stop. It certainly (hopefully) wouldn't make things worse. For me it was a financial reason not to do it but then I just thought, well I can go for a few sessions and yes my credit card will suffer the blow, but if it helps, it will be worth it.

[lostlove76]

You have been so kind, LL, sharing your feelings and story with me to make me feel better. It has helped to know that I'm not alone in my sadness (not that I want others to suffer, of course, but you know what I mean).

 

I think it's safe to say that it would get better in time for you...it has in the past for me, and it would for you as well. I think the reason I'm suggesting counselling for you now and probably why I think it's a good idea for me, is to see what the underlying issues are that have got us to the point where this kind of life event is so excruciatingly painful and difficult for us. For me, it's clear that a lot of this stems from being lonely and feeling like I'll never have what I want in life in terms of family/husband etc. And every time I lose someone after a break up, it hits me so hard that I am alone again. And some break-ups, like this one, are so much harder than others for one reason or another (this time because I don't have my normal coping mechanisms and because I truly felt something for/with him that I haven't in 10 years), and it requires more, I believe, than just the passing of time. I also believe that feeling the pain and working through it rather than distracting myself/yourself with activities or new past-times etc, is what is necessary to get past this particular break-up. Other break-ups weren't nearly this difficult for me, and finding things to do, hanging out with friends, keeping myself occupied, was all I needed. This time is just different.

 

Why stay at a 5-6 most days when maybe trying a different option for healing could bring you down to a 2-3 or even a 3-4 quicker than if you were doing it alone? And if it doesn't have the outcome you want, you can stop. It certainly (hopefully) wouldn't make things worse. For me it was a financial reason not to do it but then I just thought, well I can go for a few sessions and yes my credit card will suffer the blow, but if it helps, it will be worth it.

 

You're so sweet to offer me advice, too, while you're having such a hard time yourself. I'll definitely consider the therapy; I agree that there are deeper issues here that need to be dealt with. I know it would probably help - I just have this horrible habit of procrastinating and putting things off. I'm glad you got the ball rolling with yours. I think just the act of going, in and of itself, will make you feel better, because you're being proactive and taking control of your own healing.

 

I just relate so much to how you're feeling and what you're going through. I, too, hadn't felt this way about someone in a long long time. I, too, have had a much harder time getting over this one than anything I've ever experienced in the past. I, too, feel lonely and like I'll never find this type of love again.

 

I hope we both start feeling better soon.

[lostlove76]

Maybe I'm just worse right now because it's now the longest I've gone without talking to him and it feels more officially over now and it's brought me down.

 

I definitely experienced this dip when mine quit trying to call. I'd have to look back at my journal here to see how long the worst of it lasted... maybe a couple weeks? But then it did start getting better. I know a 5/6 isn't where you want to be, but it's better than the 10 where you currently are. You're probably going through withdrawals not talking to him, as well as it feeling more over, like you said. Maybe think of it this way: it can't really get any worse; you're kind of at an emotional rock bottom right now. So the only place to (eventually) go from here is up.

[boltnrun]

I definitely experienced this dip when mine quit trying to call. I'd have to look back at my journal here to see how long the worst of it lasted... maybe a couple weeks? But then it did start getting better. I know a 5/6 isn't where you want to be, but it's better than the 10 where you currently are. You're probably going through withdrawals not talking to him, as well as it feeling more over, like you said. Maybe think of it this way: it can't really get any worse; you're kind of at an emotional rock bottom right now. So the only place to (eventually) go from here is up.

 

Well, one could also stay at rock bottom too. Which is what will happen unless you do SOMETHING to change it.

 

Charlie, I think you made a great decision to seek counseling. I know it definitely helped me. It got me pointed in the right direction and focusing on what REALLY mattered (my health and my kids, not some lying cheater who didn't care if he hurt me). And I think that's what will happen for you.

[CharlieGurl]

Well, one could also stay at rock bottom too. Which is what will happen unless you do SOMETHING to change it.

 

Charlie, I think you made a great decision to seek counseling. I know it definitely helped me. It got me pointed in the right direction and focusing on what REALLY mattered (my health and my kids, not some lying cheater who didn't care if he hurt me). And I think that's what will happen for you.

 

I really hope so. It's been a real battle for me and I'm just having a hard time making it through on my own here.

[CharlieGurl]

So I think many people will disagree with what the Psychologist had to say.

 

I explained the situation to him. He asked a lot of questions and we talked a lot.

 

Then he told me that of course he can't predict the future but he believes that although my ex is in an unhealthy state because of this woman, that he believes he is a good man and that he will see the light. He thinks I should continue to be present in his life when he texts me and be positive and light the way I was with him when we were together. He thinks I should continue to have hope and remain positive but to carry on with my life and focus on myself and school and that he believes my ex will come back to me.

 

I then said "but if that does happen, how will I be able to trust that this all won't happen again?". He said life is about taking the risks that you believe will give you the outcome that you want in life. Not every relationship is meant to be easy, but that if I think he's worth it, then will take it day by day and go from there.

[Batya33]

So I think many people will disagree with what the Psychologist had to say.

 

I explained the situation to him. He asked a lot of questions and we talked a lot.

 

Then he told me that of course he can't predict the future but he believes that although my ex is in an unhealthy state because of this woman, that he believes he is a good man and that he will see the light. He thinks I should continue to be present in his life when he texts me and be positive and light the way I was with him when we were together. He thinks I should continue to have hope and remain positive but to carry on with my life and focus on myself and school and that he believes my ex will come back to me.

 

I then said "but if that does happen, how will I be able to trust that this all won't happen again?". He said life is about taking the risks that you believe will give you the outcome that you want in life. Not every relationship is meant to be easy, but that if I think he's worth it, then will take it day by day and go from there.

 

If you are accurately portraying what he said (my sense is that he focused far more on you needing to move on and shift focus than you describe, just have a feeling) then I would not see that "professional" again. Ever. It also depends on what you shared with him -whether you were able to be objective about the length of time you dated this person, his choice to go back to another woman, etc. But if you presented all the facts as you have here and presented exactly what he suggested you do then if you continue to see him I would look into the legitimacy of his credentials and any reviews by former or current patients.

 

No one needs a psychologist to tell someone that all relationships have risks. Of course they do. That's an easy observation. A harder one is to evaluate the particular risks balanced against the benefits. Don't pay someone to tell you tired cliches/platitudes. Just browse the greeting card aisle at your local drug store for the 50-minute hour and buy nothing. Free and hopefully relaxing/sleep-inducing.

[parrot]

I really think you need to focus solely on the fact that this man left you to be with his toxic ex, and leave it at that. Stop wondering if he will break up with his gf someday, stop trying to rationalize his behavior. He is willing to risk losing you for the rest of his life, end of story. Maybe he is a good guy, but he probably is not the guy for you. As tempting as it is, I wouldn't make excuses for him and blame the fact that he is "unhealthy" because of his current gf. I personally do not want to be with someone who chose another woman over me at any point in time, for ANY reason.

 

I used to fantasize about my ex coming back all the time, but lately when I do that I also think about all the painful days/moments I've had to endure since he broke up with me. He knew when he broke it off that my whole life would be turned upside down and he did it anyway. I can't even imagine what he would have to say now to compensate for all that pain. Your ex knows that what he did to you was hurtful and he did it anyway. He might be a good guy - my ex is a good guy, too - but at the end of the day he hurt you. And he was willing to lose you forever. The right guy won't be.

 

Like the psychologist said, you absolutely should carry on with your life and focus on yourself, but I think he was very wrong in telling you to have hope. Hope will hold you back. It will likely prevent you from being attracted to any other men that come along. I'm in my 30s, I know you're in your 40s. I personally don't feel like I have oodles of time to waste waiting around and hoping an ex comes back to me. As painful as it is, try to make yourself believe that he won't ever come back (and if he does, he really doesn't deserve you). And really really believe it! I didn't start to feel like I was getting better until all hope was TRULY gone. I think this will help you to heal much, much faster.

 

And FWIW, I went to a psychologist a couple weeks after my breakup who told me it would be a good idea to reach out to my ex. Looking back, in my fragile state, that would have been a terrible idea.

[lostlove76]

So I think many people will disagree with what the Psychologist had to say.

 

I explained the situation to him. He asked a lot of questions and we talked a lot.

 

Then he told me that of course he can't predict the future but he believes that although my ex is in an unhealthy state because of this woman, that he believes he is a good man and that he will see the light. He thinks I should continue to be present in his life when he texts me and be positive and light the way I was with him when we were together. He thinks I should continue to have hope and remain positive but to carry on with my life and focus on myself and school and that he believes my ex will come back to me.

 

I then said "but if that does happen, how will I be able to trust that this all won't happen again?". He said life is about taking the risks that you believe will give you the outcome that you want in life. Not every relationship is meant to be easy, but that if I think he's worth it, then will take it day by day and go from there.

 

Wow, thanks for sharing. That's interesting.