What makes a man go back to an abusive woman?

[Hollyj]

He doesn't want to be with you.

 

You are choosing to be a mess. We have all been there. You go NC, and get your behind out of the house and keep yourself busy. Staying home and feeling sorry for yourself, does not get you anywhere.

[CharlieGurl]

I don't know how I'm choosing it - I'm not initiating conversation with him and haven't been in contact with him at all for almost a week. It's not much, but it's something. I don't know how to shut off my emotions.

 

I'm not at home - I have left the city every weekend since this happened. While I'm there during the week, I don't know what to do in the city. What would you look for to do?

[lostlove76]

Do you like to read? I've always loved to read my whole life. Fiction, true-crime, self-help, biographies, young adult, whatever, doesn't matter what genre. I haven't read much in the past two years because my mind was always occupied with him, but I still feel passionate about it and I know that there are thousands of good books out there to be read. I hope to get back into it ASAP. You could fill your time with books. Or drawing. Or adult coloring books. Or DIY projects, whether it's simple and fun or more advanced. Or cooking. Or walking every day. Or catching up on good tv shows and movies. There are all kinds of neat and pleasurable activities you could enjoy all on your own without needing any sort of companion. But I know it's hard to care or find any value in these these things when you place the utmost value in a close relationship with the one you lost. I want so much to go back to the things I enjoy, and yet I'm somehow stuck in a place of doing nothing but thinking about relationships. Maybe we'll both get there.

[Capricorn3]

Sorry, a little off topic, but ...OP, are you really 76 years old? (according to your profile)?

[CharlieGurl]

Sorry, a little off topic, but ...OP, are you really 76 years old? (according to your profile)?

 

No, I'm 41. For some reason, ENA won't let me change it.

[CharlieGurl]

Do you like to read? I've always loved to read my whole life. Fiction, true-crime, self-help, biographies, young adult, whatever, doesn't matter what genre. I haven't read much in the past two years because my mind was always occupied with him, but I still feel passionate about it and I know that there are thousands of good books out there to be read. I hope to get back into it ASAP. You could fill your time with books. Or drawing. Or adult coloring books. Or DIY projects, whether it's simple and fun or more advanced. Or cooking. Or walking every day. Or catching up on good tv shows and movies. There are all kinds of neat and pleasurable activities you could enjoy all on your own without needing any sort of companion. But I know it's hard to care or find any value in these these things when you place the utmost value in a close relationship with the one you lost. I want so much to go back to the things I enjoy, and yet I'm somehow stuck in a place of doing nothing but thinking about relationships. Maybe we'll both get there.

 

I do love to read. I've been trying to read but my mind keeps wandering. I have many hobbies actually. I paint and do photography and play guitar and piano and have all kinds of things that I love to do and normally do enjoy those things very much. But I don't have any desire to do any of those things right now. I have been playing my guitar a lot more at least. I guess I should just force myself to do the things I used to love. I went and bought some canvasses last week with the hopes of painting something but I just had no desire once I got home. I think I need to find some activities that are outside of the house and something that focuses my mind on something else and something with other people. If I go to for walks or to the gym, my mind is still focused elsewhere. I guess I could look into a cooking class or something. I can't afford much but I'm sure in a small town they won't be as expensive as in the big city.

 

I feel like you - I want to go back to these things that I enjoy so much, but am just stuck. I hope we can both get out of this soon. It's not a fun place to be and I just don't feel like myself.

 

I'm still in the city an hour from where I live. I'm going to go to the bookstore here and look around. That's something I love to do and we don't have a big book store in my town so it'll be a treat.

[Hollyj]

Have you tried volunteer work?

[CharlieGurl]

I haven't. I would definitely be interested in that though. It's something I've thought about for a long time.

[Hollyj]

It's a lot of fun.

[CharlieGurl]

It's a lot of fun.

 

I just have no idea what would be available or where to go. I've looked it up online but there doesn't seem to be any specific positions. I would love to work with animals again but there isn't anything like that here. I'll have to keep looking I guess.

[Realitynut]

Sorry Charliegurl. I understand where you are coming from. Same as LostLove. That is why I quit posting about my hot/cold love life. It's not as easy as saying...o.k. he doesn't love me...i'm moving on. And that's that. Some people can....i'm not one of them.

 

I know my hot/cold guy can. Cuz he's not as emotionally available. He said when he went home (5 years ago) and found his belongings gone and a 5 page letter from his wife of 14 years saying basically how much she hated him...and left. He said he sat on the floor for 5 min. ...got up....and said...well...that's that! And moved on.

 

All I can say is ...everyone is different.

 

It takes time to move on. For some of us. It's not as easy as saying....get out of the rain. You know why? Because the HEART is involved...not just the brain.

 

I have always said, if I loved someone deeply, I can't just shut it off, because the 'other' person decided they didn't love me. I don't work that way.

[Realitynut]

Also....about the reading thing. When my ex-fiancé dumped me for another woman (which brought me here back in 2010) I fell in such a deep depression, I wasn't able to read. The words didn't make any sense. Katie Couric said the same thing. During her depression, she couldn't focus or read.

 

CC....that is why your mind is wandering. Can't focus. Been there. Done that.

 

Keep coming here for SUPPORT. Time is all you have for recovery. And many people have stated on here, that it took them a year to feel better. It took me 2 years.

 

Now I'm trying to distance myself from a 3 year relationship (bad for 2) with a guy who does NOT love me, or want me. (still desires me sexually...ugh)

 

Truly...I think it is harder for us who are older. I am 61....CC is 41....and LL is (I think) 39. And when we don't have a lot of dating options, it's easy to start feeling hopelessness settle in....to regards of finding a life mate.

[lostlove76]

Hey Realitynut Feels like long time no see. That's interesting about the reading thing. I absolutely cannot get my mind clear enough to read, and it's been like that for 2+ years. It really bothers me, because I have all these great books on my shelves that I want to read. But something just keeps holding me back from even trying. I know my mind will wander.

 

I totally agree about the hopelessness and lack of dating options. It feels like we're losing our only chance at love. CG, are there even any single guys in your age group in your small town? Sometimes there just aren't any. I think we could all agree, though, that we don't even want anyone other than our exes.

[CharlieGurl]

Thanks RealityNut. It's hard to come here and listen to people tell me where I should be at this time or that I'm not strong because I'm not actively "taking advice" from people - they don't realize that I would if I could. I am merely getting by right now and although I have better days than others, I am having a rough time and I'm just doing the best I can.

 

I bought two books at the bookstore today - The Breakup Bible by Rachel A.Sussman, and Cheryl Strayed's "Brave Enough". I'm hoping these books will get me back into reading for pleasure and able to focus. A lot of my days are spent reading nursing textbooks so when I try to read fiction or anything for pleasure right now, I just can't focus on it - just like what Katie Couric said.

 

I'm trying to help myself - leaving my apartment for the weekend to visit with friends and family in the bigger city, buying self-help books, not contacting him even though I desperately want to. I'm doing what I can. I want things to look up for me and I know there happy times ahead in my life, but it's difficult to see what that could possibly be right now. I don't expect everyone to understand the way my mind works, and as I've said, I understand that people are/will be frustrated that I'm not over this 2 month relationships after 3 weeks. But it is what it is and I'm doing my best.

 

My friend gave me an exercise to do about making pros and cons list about myself. And then on the "cons" side, writing what I would tell a friend if she/he had that particular con on their list and then seeing what I can do to move it over to the pros side. She doesn't think I see my own worth and that that's what I need to be focusing on as much as I can. I'll try it.

 

I hear you about the age thing. That's a big part of this. When I was in my 20s and even early 30s - if my relationships didn't work out (whether I ended them, or he did) I didn't catastrophically think "i'm never going to find him, I'm going to be alone forever!" But it seems as though that's a bigger thing here than even the person himself...

[Hollyj]

Look into your local ASPCA.

 

I think you need to look a lot harder, as there are always volunteer positions available- parks, hospitals, senior centers etc........

 

Put in your city and volunteering. That's it.

[CharlieGurl]

Look into your local ASPCA.

 

I think you need to look a lot harder, as there are always volunteer positions available- parks, hospitals, senior centers etc........

 

Put in your city and volunteering. That's it.

 

I looked into the OSPCA here and the volounteer positions are 9-5 Mondays- Fridays with a 6 month commitment. I think that's the same in most of the shelters in Ontario, as I looked into volounteering in the one in Toronto and it was the same there.

 

I will be starting my placement at the hospital for school next week 3 days a week. I don't think i would volounteer there as well but I can see what they might have. I would be interested in the local soup kitchen too. I just have to find the energy to force myself to look into it I guess.

[CharlieGurl]

Hey Realitynut Feels like long time no see. That's interesting about the reading thing. I absolutely cannot get my mind clear enough to read, and it's been like that for 2+ years. It really bothers me, because I have all these great books on my shelves that I want to read. But something just keeps holding me back from even trying. I know my mind will wander.

 

I totally agree about the hopelessness and lack of dating options. It feels like we're losing our only chance at love. CG, are there even any single guys in your age group in your small town? Sometimes there just aren't any. I think we could all agree, though, that we don't even want anyone other than our exes.

 

When I first moved here, I put my profile up on the website. After a couple of weeks, I took it down - just not very much to choose from and the ones I talked to were not good. One wanted me to pee in a wine glass for him to drink (after a really good back and forth of messages for about an hour...i was hopeful...then...yeah lol...no), one got mad at me and called me a whole slew of names when I didn't reply to him, several were married, etc etc etc. I HATE ONLINE DATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DETEST IT!!!! I keep going back to keep my options open, but in 8 years on and off, I have not dated one good guy from online. It's really just not my thing.

 

And yes...today, I have a hard time wanting to date anyone new.

[Realitynut]

Yesterday I thought I was going to meet someone new. I'm always 'hopeful'...lol. He was way down my list of possibilities. Met 2 guys that were in my top 'hopefuls'....and neither panned out. One hardly talked...don't think he was into me. The other drank 5 beers in a couple of hours....and said the F word continually, was just getting divorced, and had 6 kids...his youngest was 12 and lived with him.

 

ummm...no.

 

This guy and I had been emailing on pof. Then took it to texts. Over a week ago, I didn't respond to a text, cuz I was focusing on other things. So this guy yesterday started texting me again. He was going on a bike ride (cycle) with some friends. He said casually....'would you like to join me?'. I guess he really didn't mean it, cuz I texted him off and on all day. (my mom is in the hospital recovering from colon cancer surgery) and I needed a diversion from that and ex....and a myriad of things. I said I would like to go.

 

In the eve. he said...."just got a call from my friends...we're going now. Talk later."

 

So even tho I had never met him....I was looking forward to getting out of the house, and out of the hospital. I was very disappointed, and decided I won't talk to him again. Nip it in the bud. If they let you down at the very beginning....they'll let you down later on.

 

Sucks.

[CharlieGurl]

Yesterday I thought I was going to meet someone new. I'm always 'hopeful'...lol. He was way down my list of possibilities. Met 2 guys that were in my top 'hopefuls'....and neither panned out. One hardly talked...don't think he was into me. The other drank 5 beers in a couple of hours....and said the F word continually, was just getting divorced, and had 6 kids...his youngest was 12 and lived with him.

 

ummm...no.

 

This guy and I had been emailing on pof. Then took it to texts. Over a week ago, I didn't respond to a text, cuz I was focusing on other things. So this guy yesterday started texting me again. He was going on a bike ride (cycle) with some friends. He said casually....'would you like to join me?'. I guess he really didn't mean it, cuz I texted him off and on all day. (my mom is in the hospital recovering from colon cancer surgery) and I needed a diversion from that and ex....and a myriad of things. I said I would like to go.

 

In the eve. he said...."just got a call from my friends...we're going now. Talk later."

 

So even tho I had never met him....I was looking forward to getting out of the house, and out of the hospital. I was very disappointed, and decided I won't talk to him again. Nip it in the bud. If they let you down at the very beginning....they'll let you down later on.

 

Sucks.

 

Ugh yes, that sucks. I don't know why there are so many crappy guys on those sites. I guess there are a lot of crappy girls too from what I understand. I've seen in work for so many people. A friend of mine is getting married next month to the 5th girl he met online. They just got lucky I guess.

 

I don't want to give up the hope, but it's really hard not to sometimes. Then someone comes along, like my ex, makes me believe in love again and then quickly pulls the rug out from under me and I'm back to square one. It just seems unfair.

[lostlove76]

The guys online do suck. I actually met my ex online two years ago. I thought I had hit the jackpot, but look how that all turned out. There are a lot of jerks on there, a lot who just want sex, some who are married, a ridiculous number who can't even type a proper sentence or spell simple words. It's depressing!

[Hollyj]

I looked into the OSPCA here and the volounteer positions are 9-5 Mondays- Fridays with a 6 month commitment. I think that's the same in most of the shelters in Ontario, as I looked into volounteering in the one in Toronto and it was the same there.

 

I will be starting my placement at the hospital for school next week 3 days a week. I don't think i would volounteer there as well but I can see what they might have. I would be interested in the local soup kitchen too. I just have to find the energy to force myself to look into it I guess.

 

In the States, there are sites that list website available in your area.

 

It took me one second to find this: I saw many other sites.

[CharlieGurl]

In the States, there are sites that list website available in your area.

 

It took me one second to find this: I saw many other sites.

 

I'm not living in Toronto, but thank you for looking that up. I have looked up volounteering in my city and there are a list of different organizations with limited opportunities - but I'm sure I could find something. I just don't know what I want to do.

[Hollyj]

I tried a bunch of different things, to find my niche.

[boltnrun]

The important thing is to DO. If you sit and wait until you feel like doing something, or until you're "ready", you never will. And you'll be facing the prospect of feeling EXACTLY AS YOU DO TODAY for however long you choose to do nothing. If you just can't get yourself out of the house or you just can't face the idea of reading or volunteering or whatever, you'll keep feeling the same way you do right now.

 

I don't like feeling sad, hopeless, depressed, etc. So I do something to change it.

 

I live by my signature line...if you change nothing, nothing changes.

[Hollyj]

The important thing is to DO. If you sit and wait until you feel like doing something, or until you're "ready", you never will. And you'll be facing the prospect of feeling EXACTLY AS YOU DO TODAY for however long you choose to do nothing. If you just can't get yourself out of the house or you just can't face the idea of reading or volunteering or whatever, you'll keep feeling the same way you do right now.

 

I don't like feeling sad, hopeless, depressed, etc. So I do something to change it.

 

I live by my signature line...if you change nothing, nothing changes.

 

Yes. No more excuses. Be more proactive.