What makes a man go back to an abusive woman?

[CharlieGurl]

So many of you will have read my story...in brief, I met someone who was just out of a 7 year toxic, abusive relationship. We dated for 2 months and had a really amazing time together.

 

A few weeks ago, he decided he "was still hung up on his ex" and went back to her.

 

What makes someone go back to a toxic, co-dependent person time and time again? Especially after dating someone like me who is "normal" and non-toxic, loving and whom he said "is the total package".

 

I believe this was the 5th time they've split up in the last 2-3 years. I just don't get it. He didn't seem to have low self-esteem when we were together, but we were only 2 months into it...

 

He did say a few times that how "good it was scared him". When I asked "why?", he said "because I wonder what you're like after the honeymoon stage..."

 

I know that for whatever reason he's just not ready to leave her, and that he wanted to try again. He said he is skeptical and negative around her, and when i asked "and how do you feel around me?" he said "like anything in the world is possible. And I don't have a care in the world. And I actually feel happy".

 

SO WHY!?!?!?

[j.man]

I met someone who was just out of a 7 year toxic, abusive relationship.

I believe this was the 5th time they've split up in the last 2-3 years

I think the bigger "why" here is why you thought this would go anywhere positive?

[reinventmyself]

I have skimmed over some of your posts.

Who says she's abusive? Him? Or is this a proven fact.

 

`Water seeks it's own level'. .Or .`You are as healthy as the company you keep'

 

In other words . . they are alike and therefore there is an attraction.

 

Your goal is to put all the energy you are wasting in trying to figure them out (after they are toxic, right?) into yourself.

Otherwise you are just falling into a rabbit hole with them

[boltnrun]

So many of you will have read my story...in brief, I met someone who was just out of a 7 year toxic, abusive relationship. We dated for 2 months and had a really amazing time together.

 

A few weeks ago, he decided he "was still hung up on his ex" and went back to her.

 

What makes someone go back to a toxic, co-dependent person time and time again? Especially after dating someone like me who is "normal" and non-toxic, loving and whom he said "is the total package".

 

I believe this was the 5th time they've split up in the last 2-3 years. I just don't get it. He didn't seem to have low self-esteem when we were together, but we were only 2 months into it...

 

He did say a few times that how "good it was scared him". When I asked "why?", he said "because I wonder what you're like after the honeymoon stage..."

 

I know that for whatever reason he's just not ready to leave her, and that he wanted to try again. He said he is skeptical and negative around her, and when i asked "and how do you feel around me?" he said "like anything in the world is possible. And I don't have a care in the world. And I actually feel happy".

 

SO WHY!?!?!?

 

These are the questions that keep you stuck.

 

No one knows "why" except him.

 

Do you feel like you "need" to know?

[lostlove76]

I'll be interested in reading replies to this, because similarly, I've recently been wondering why men get so hooked on "crazy" women.

 

It could be that he's addicted to the drama. Maybe it's for the same reason we as women often go for the bad-boy jerk types. Why do we do that?? Myself, maybe I find the more stable guys a bit boring (that is simplifying it, and just a guess, as I haven't taken the time to really explore this about myself yet).

 

My recent ex dropped me and replaced me with a completely crazy, unstable, trashy married woman. It bothers me to no end. Why does someone like her deserve to have the best of him, and I don't? So I know how you feel, in a way.

 

These are just kind of random thoughts, not really an answer, sorry. Mostly I look forward to seeing what others have to say.

[Birdie]

Why? No one here can tell you.

 

But whatever he told you, he most likely loves her, has chemistry with her and built a life together for 7 years. She's been a huge part of his life and he's not ready to let her go even if she's "abusive" (be wary of the guy who trash talks his ex).

[boltnrun]

Many years ago, when my son was between 2 and 4 years old, every time someone took his picture he made this crazy face. In fact, I called it his "crazy face". I was usually the one taking the pictures so I didn't notice until I picked up the pictures (these were the days when you had to take your film in to be developed). Sure enough, he was making "crazy face".

 

I asked him why he made crazy face every time someone took his picture. He answered "I wanted to".

 

So, anytime I find myself asking "why, why WHY???" someone does something I think is irrational, I remind myself of my son's answer. And it satisfies me.

 

They do it because they want to. No other reason.

[reinventmyself]

What makes someone go back to a toxic, co-dependent person time and time again? Especially after dating someone like me who is "normal" and non-toxic, loving and whom he said "is the total package".

 

Think of it this way. Happy well adjusted people cross the street when they see crazy coming.

They know the difference and know the signs.

 

Happy well adjusted people are not attracted to crazy.

Unhealthy people with unhealthy needs are attracted to otherwise unhealthy.

 

You want to know how healthy you are?. . .just look at the company you keep.

[HeartGoesOn]

in brief, I met someone who was just out of a 7 year toxic, abusive relationship.

 

It sounds like your answer for the most part, lies in the sentence above. Anyone who is just out of a long term relationship is nowhere near ready to jump into another one, without taking a fair amount of time to heal, (imo).

[CharlieGurl]

I have skimmed over some of your posts.

Who says she's abusive? Him? Or is this a proven fact.

 

`Water seeks it's own level'. .Or .`You are as healthy as the company you keep'

 

In other words . . they are alike and therefore there is an attraction.

 

Your goal is to put all the energy you are wasting in trying to figure them out (after they are toxic, right?) into yourself.

Otherwise you are just falling into a rabbit hole with them

 

It's a small town and my friend has known her for 20 years. This is the 3rd man she's been with where she verbally and physically abuses them. I also heard them fighting one night and could hear the way she yelled at him (he lives downstairs from me) when she was drunk.

 

I don't believe they're alike from what I got to know in him. I have never heard him so much as raise his voice since I've lived here since January.

[rosephase]

Co-dependency takes two people. He hasn't worked on the parts of him that lead him to be co-dependent... he's just blaming it on her. He isn't ready for someone who is healthy.

[CharlieGurl]

I think the bigger "why" here is why you thought this would go anywhere positive?

 

I was in a relationship that was toxic (not abusive though) and ended up knowing that I had to leave. I left and very shortly after (completely unexpectedly) started dating a wonderful guy whom I stayed with for almost 6 years. Maybe I thought that could happen to him since he seemed very adamant that he was leaving her for good this time. I know, not my best choice I guess but I did believe him.

[CharlieGurl]

Why? No one here can tell you.

 

But whatever he told you, he most likely loves her, has chemistry with her and built a life together for 7 years. She's been a huge part of his life and he's not ready to let her go even if she's "abusive" (be wary of the guy who trash talks his ex).

 

He didn't trash talk her actually. We started talking because I heard them fighting downstairs one night (just heard her to be fair) and the next day I texted him to say that I couldn't listen to that kind of fighting at 2am and he apologized profusely and said she was mad because he was ending it. We talked outside for a bit and he had a black eye. She told me that's the 5th time she's hit him in the face. My friend knows her (dated her nephew who broke my friend's jaw actually...) and said this is her pattern. She has dated men and would kick them out or do something to make them leave and then beg for them back...

 

He wouldn't talk to me about any of it.

 

Yeah, I believe he loves her and probably feels like he doesn't want to waste the 7 years they've spent making a life together...but he told me on day one (when we were just friends) that he needed to get out of it and stay out...

[CharlieGurl]

These are the questions that keep you stuck.

 

No one knows "why" except him.

 

Do you feel like you "need" to know?

 

yes. I suppose I feel like I need to know. I know I don't actually NEED to know to move on, but it's making me crazy thinking about him going back to her after all the stuff I know.

 

I know I need to hear why I should move on. And some days I've felt strong and able to not obsess about it, but the last two days have been hard. I know it will be up and down. I just keep posting here to get my feelings and obsessions out.

[lostlove76]

Aren't you angry at him at all for letting you fall for him and then going back to her? I would be very hurt like you are, no doubt, but also angry.

 

I also wouldn't feel at all sorry for him (I can't tell if you do, but I kind of get that impression?). He's making his own choice to be with her. If he wants to be with someone who hits him in the eye, then he gets what he asks for. I know that's really harsh. But it's not as if she can physically overpower him. He chooses to remain in that situation and let it happen. I just hope you don't feel sympathy for him, is all. He kind of screwed you over, so again, he gets what he asks for if he chooses to be with her.

[CharlieGurl]

What makes someone go back to a toxic, co-dependent person time and time again? Especially after dating someone like me who is "normal" and non-toxic, loving and whom he said "is the total package".

 

Think of it this way. Happy well adjusted people cross the street when they see crazy coming.

They know the difference and know the signs.

 

Happy well adjusted people are not attracted to crazy.

Unhealthy people with unhealthy needs are attracted to otherwise unhealthy.

 

You want to know how healthy you are?. . .just look at the company you keep.

 

Yeah, this makes a lot of sense to me. I know he wasn't abusive to her but I did often wonder what part he played in the toxicity of the relationship...whether actively or passively - and if he didn't, what about him is so damaged that he would go back to that time and time again. And if he's that damaged, being with me will not be good for me. I get that. I do. It's just sad to me right now because I really liked what I saw of him and have never actually felt so special with someone...before he decided to go back to her of course.

[reinventmyself]

Whether you believe it or not, it is satisfying some unhealthy need of his or he wouldn't be doing it.

Personally I make a habit of steering clear of people who engage crazy people. It tells me something about them.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, this makes a lot of sense to me. I know he wasn't abusive to her but I did often wonder what part he played in the toxicity of the relationship...whether actively or passively - and if he didn't, what about him is so damaged that he would go back to that time and time again. And if he's that damaged, being with me will not be good for me. I get that. I do. It's just sad to me right now because I really liked what I saw of him and have never actually felt so special with someone...before he decided to go back to her of course.

 

He never left her. At least, he never "emotionally" left her.

 

You were a bandaid that he put on to make himself feel better until he could get back with her. And of course he told you he would never go back!! He wasn't going to tell you "I'm between time with my girlfriend. We got into a doozy of a fight and I feel like I should stay away for a while. Are you interested in filling up my empty time until I can get her back?" And of course he acted nice! If he sulked or was moody or treated you like you just couldn't measure up to this great love and obsession he has with this other woman you wouldn't have given him the time of day.

 

Are you still allowing him to text you and send memes whenever he feels like making sure you're still on the hook? BTW, that would make me angrier than anything else he did.

[CharlieGurl]

Aren't you angry at him at all for letting you fall for him and then going back to her? I would be very hurt like you are, no doubt, but also angry.

 

I also wouldn't feel at all sorry for him (I can't tell if you do, but I kind of get that impression?). He's making his own choice to be with her. If he wants to be with someone who hits him in the eye, then he gets what he asks for. I know that's really harsh. But it's not as if she can physically overpower him. He chooses to remain in that situation and let it happen. I just hope you don't feel sympathy for him, is all. He kind of screwed you over, so again, he gets what he asks for if he chooses to be with her.

 

Yes. I have moments where I'm really mad. Especially because I was hesitant at first to date him since they were literally just out of the relationship. And I told him I wasn't going to date him because there was no way he could be ready for something. He was just really convincing that things with them were over...said they had really been over for the last year but they just kept trying to make it work but it hadn't been good for a long time. He told his son that they were done (which he had never done with their previous break ups) and the son was so happy. And when we started dating, the son said "i'm glad you're with someone normal now".

 

Anyway, yes. I do get mad. I told him I felt duped. He said that wasn't it at all...he kept saying "you just don't get what's happening here do you?" and I said "NO!? tell me!" and he said "this has NOTHING to do with how I feel about you"...

 

but..i do feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn't for precisely the reasons you've said. But I know how I felt when I was in a toxic relationship...I knew that things weren't going to ever work but I kept trying because I wanted to believe there was hope...and I'm sure that's all he's thinking too..

[CharlieGurl]

He never left her. At least, he never "emotionally" left her.

 

You were a bandaid that he put on to make himself feel better until he could get back with her. And of course he told you he would never go back!! He wasn't going to tell you "I'm between time with my girlfriend. We got into a doozy of a fight and I feel like I should stay away for a while. Are you interested in filling up my empty time until I can get her back?" And of course he acted nice! If he sulked or was moody or treated you like you just couldn't measure up to this great love and obsession he has with this other woman you wouldn't have given him the time of day.

 

Are you still allowing him to text you and send memes whenever he feels like making sure you're still on the hook? BTW, that would make me angrier than anything else he did.

 

It's my own fault, yes. I understand. He was filling so many voids for me here I guess. I felt a part of something when we were together.

 

I told him at the start that I didn't want to be a gap filler. He had other women who were interested in him. Why would he pick the one who lives upstairs if he knew he was going to go back to her? It would make it so awkward. I don't think he did it knowing he was going to go back to her, I really don't. I think he wanted to think he wasn't going to, but just isn't ready to leave. Or maybe he does just love the drama. I don't know.

[CharlieGurl]

Co-dependency takes two people. He hasn't worked on the parts of him that lead him to be co-dependent... he's just blaming it on her. He isn't ready for someone who is healthy.

 

I agree. I think being with me was too healthy for him and maybe he felt threatened by that, since it's not something he's used to. Before her, he was in a 14 year loveless marriage with someone he dated for a few months in their 20s and she got pregnant. Both admit they were never in love but felt like they tried to make a life together. And these are the two big relationships of his life...he doesn't know what a normal, loving relationship is actually like.

[lostlove76]

Yes. I have moments where I'm really mad. Especially because I was hesitant at first to date him since they were literally just out of the relationship. And I told him I wasn't going to date him because there was no way he could be ready for something. He was just really convincing that things with them were over...said they had really been over for the last year but they just kept trying to make it work but it hadn't been good for a long time. He told his son that they were done (which he had never done with their previous break ups) and the son was so happy. And when we started dating, the son said "i'm glad you're with someone normal now".

 

Anyway, yes. I do get mad. I told him I felt duped. He said that wasn't it at all...he kept saying "you just don't get what's happening here do you?" and I said "NO!? tell me!" and he said "this has NOTHING to do with how I feel about you"...

 

but..i do feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn't for precisely the reasons you've said. But I know how I felt when I was in a toxic relationship...I knew that things weren't going to ever work but I kept trying because I wanted to believe there was hope...and I'm sure that's all he's thinking too..

 

I guess I can kind of understand feeling sorry for him if I think about it a certain way. I always found reasons to feel sorry for my ex guy, because I loved him. But from an outsider view, to me he loses all sympathy because he hurt you. He's not just hurting himself here by going back to a toxic relationship with her. He urged you to get involved with him when you were hesitant, and then dropped you two months later after allowing you to develop feelings. Whether he intended to or not, it was very careless and selfish of him. I hate to call you the rebound, but that's what it seems like now, doesn't it? I was off and on in my toxic relationship for 2 years, and I never (and still haven't) gotten involved with anyone else, because I know I'm not ready. It wouldn't be fair to myself or the other person. He should have known better and known he wasn't ready. It makes me feel mad at him on your behalf!

 

By continuing to text with him, he gets to feel like maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all, because hey, you're still talking to him. I would urge you not to give him that benefit.

 

I know none of this is easy, because you did and still do have feelings for him. I'm sorry you're hurting. Hugs.

[gypsybird87]

UN-important question:

 

Why people (male or female) go back to toxic relationships that they claim make them miserable.

 

Very important question

 

Why a person who claims to want to be happy would waste all her precious time and energy obsessing over the above question, and the guy it refers to.

 

Charliegurl, you seem like a great person with a lot of love to give. Everyone here wants to see you heal and move on. But you seem determined to keep focusing backwards and on HIM, instead of forwards and on YOURSELF.

 

He doesn't matter.

His girlfriend, whether she's actually abusive or a drunk or the sweetest person ever, DOESN'T matter.

 

YOU matter. And until you can shift your focus, you are going to stay stuck and unhappy. You do not need to understand his choice. You only have to ACCEPT it, and let go. I know it's scary, but seriously.... LET GO. You will be okay.

[Capricorn3]

What makes someone go back to a toxic, co-dependent person time and time again? Especially after dating someone like me who is "normal" and non-toxic, loving and whom he said "is the total package".

 

Think of it this way. Happy well adjusted people cross the street when they see crazy coming.

They know the difference and know the signs.

 

Happy well adjusted people are not attracted to crazy.

Unhealthy people with unhealthy needs are attracted to otherwise unhealthy.

 

You want to know how healthy you are?. . .just look at the company you keep.

 

I think this post is worth repeating. It needs to be absorbed. It needs to be printed out and stuck on every wall in the house and read every day.

 

*high five* reinventmyself!

[Ms Darcy]

Well you don't TELL someone you don't want to be a gap filler. You just DON'T serve as a gap filler. That means ignoring.

 

Just learn from this experience and don't be someone else's company while they line for their ex.