What makes a man go back to an abusive woman?

[CharlieGurl]

UN-important question:

 

Why people (male or female) go back to toxic relationships that they claim make them miserable.

 

Very important question

 

Why a person who claims to want to be happy would waste all her precious time and energy obsessing over the above question, and the guy it refers to.

 

Charliegurl, you seem like a great person with a lot of love to give. Everyone here wants to see you heal and move on. But you seem determined to keep focusing backwards and on HIM, instead of forwards and on YOURSELF.

 

He doesn't matter.

His girlfriend, whether she's actually abusive or a drunk or the sweetest person ever, DOESN'T matter.

 

YOU matter. And until you can shift your focus, you are going to stay stuck and unhappy. You do not need to understand his choice. You only have to ACCEPT it, and let go. I know it's scary, but seriously.... LET GO. You will be okay.

 

Thanks. I'm trying. I can't seem to stop my thoughts about it though. I don't know how you just stop thinking about it. I know it gets easier in time, and as I've said, I've had a few stronger days over the last week...just not today I guess.

[CharlieGurl]

I guess I can kind of understand feeling sorry for him if I think about it a certain way. I always found reasons to feel sorry for my ex guy, because I loved him. But from an outsider view, to me he loses all sympathy because he hurt you. He's not just hurting himself here by going back to a toxic relationship with her. He urged you to get involved with him when you were hesitant, and then dropped you two months later after allowing you to develop feelings. Whether he intended to or not, it was very careless and selfish of him. I hate to call you the rebound, but that's what it seems like now, doesn't it? I was off and on in my toxic relationship for 2 years, and I never (and still haven't) gotten involved with anyone else, because I know I'm not ready. It wouldn't be fair to myself or the other person. He should have known better and known he wasn't ready. It makes me feel mad at him on your behalf!

 

By continuing to text with him, he gets to feel like maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all, because hey, you're still talking to him. I would urge you not to give him that benefit.

 

I know none of this is easy, because you did and still do have feelings for him. I'm sorry you're hurting. Hugs.

 

I should be angrier, I know. I do feel bad that he's in this situation but I am angry mostly at myself for allowing my feelings to get invested and for believing when he said he was ready. Even if he wanted to be, how could he be after all of that? And I'm angry at him for not wanting more for himself.

 

i do also get the glaring irony in my last sentence there...

[lostlove76]

Thanks. I'm trying. I can't seem to stop my thoughts about it though. I don't know how you just stop thinking about it. I know it gets easier in time, and as I've said, I've had a few stronger days over the last week...just not today I guess.

 

^^^ I'm right there with you. I can't stop thinking about mine either. It invades my thoughts all the time, but especially when I'm trying to fall asleep and as soon as I wake up in the morning. Thoughts of them together. It feels awful!! So I definitely get you on that.

[CharlieGurl]

^^^ I'm right there with you. I can't stop thinking about mine either. It invades my thoughts all the time, but especially when I'm trying to fall asleep and as soon as I wake up in the morning. Thoughts of them together. It feels awful!! So I definitely get you on that.

 

It saddens me to hear you're going through this too. I hate obsessing about it, but don't know how to stop it from entering my mind.

[Ms Darcy]

It saddens me to hear you're going through this too. I hate obsessing about it, but don't know how to stop it from entering my mind.

 

While you obsess about him, he obsesses about her.

 

All of your unhealthy focus on him can perhaps help you understand his unhealthy focus on her. Ya'll are following your hearts.

[Hollyj]

Some are attracted to the drama.

 

In the future, I strongly suggest that you not date people directly out of a relationship, as you set yourself up to be a rebound.

[CharlieGurl]

Some are attracted to the drama.

 

In the future, I strongly suggest that you not date people directly out of a relationship, as you set yourself up to be a rebound.

 

Yeah, I mean that's clearly the lesson here. I just don't know how to get myself out of my current thought pattern. How do you just stop your mind from going there?!?!?

[Hollyj]

You keep busy. I know it sounds very simple but, it's what worked for me. I got involved with everything. It turned me on to new interests and people.

 

I would address why you got involved with this guy, too. He is a a big ole red flag. Why would you want a guy that thrives in an abusive environment. That's off.

[CharlieGurl]

You keep busy. I know it sounds very simple but, it's what worked for me. I got involved with everything. It turned me on to new interests and people.

 

I would address why you got involved with this guy, too. He is a a big ole red flag. Why would you want a guy that thrives in an abusive environment. That's off.

 

I don't know. I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I think many people have been in abusive/toxic relationships and decide to get out and go on to lead healthier ones. I guess I thought maybe, because of how adamant he was about having to move on from it, he was ready to move on. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's where my head was at. And then he continued to prove to me that he was interested in me and our relationship and then my doubts started to fade and I let my guard down.

 

I was feeling a lot of voids and loneliness before I met him - recently moved from a big city to this small, depressing town to go back to school for nursing, have no real friends in the city and all my time is spent on my studies...there's not much to do here for sure which I thought would be a bonus for my schoolwork (which it was up until now when i can't concentrate and feel trapped in my apartment). When I've been through breakups before, I get active in the community, doing new classes or trying things to meet new people, or spend lots of time out with my friends. It's different this time. I go to school and I come home and sit here alone.

 

I know it wasn't a healthy choice. I want to be over this and stop thinking about/missing him. Even when I'm angry, it's more sad than anger. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I totally admit that.

[Hollyj]

Look for healthy people, not people, who you hope may change.

 

I did a lot of volunteering - still do - and met a lot of great people and had a terrific time. Get out!!!

[boltnrun]

Are you still allowing him to text you and send you meaningless memes?

 

Are you still responding if/when he does?

[CharlieGurl]

He doesn't send me memes anymore. He still texts from time to time. I don't initiate but I have responded. Sometimes with a full conversation and sometimes with short responses.

 

I guess it's enough to make him certain I'm still holding on. I just want to stop myself from thinking about him. But how do you stop!?!

[boltnrun]

He doesn't send me memes anymore. He still texts from time to time. I don't initiate but I have responded. Sometimes with a full conversation and sometimes with short responses.

 

I guess it's enough to make him certain I'm still holding on. I just want to stop myself from thinking about him. But how do you stop!?!

 

Tell him! Tell him to stop contacting you unless it's regarding a bill or something to do with the apartment.

 

I know you know how...but for some reason you refuse to let go. It's a choice, you know...but you're choosing to continue communicating with him. And THAT is why you are stuck.

[reinventmyself]

He doesn't send me memes anymore. He still texts from time to time. I don't initiate but I have responded. Sometimes with a full conversation and sometimes with short responses.

 

I guess it's enough to make him certain I'm still holding on. I just want to stop myself from thinking about him. But how do you stop!?!

Well, to start, block him! But you knew that already, right?

You are desperate to stop thinking about him but that's impossible when still allow him access to you.

Treat it like and addiction. You need to go through the withdrawals and not have any contact with him.

I understand your challenge is difficult because you live in the same building but you have do what ever you can to limit contact with him or you won't heal.

[CharlieGurl]

Well, to start, block him! But you knew that already, right?

You are desperate to stop thinking about him but that's impossible when still allow him access to you.

Treat it like and addiction. You need to go through the withdrawals and not have any contact with him.

I understand your challenge is difficult because you live in the same building but you have do what ever you can to limit contact with him or you won't heal.

 

Yes I know that NC is key to healing. But I guess I haven't been ready to do that yet because I still want to be with him. I'm just being honest. How do you stop wanting it?

 

I'm losing all self respect. I feel trapped in my own head and in my apartment. I spent an hour with a distress call line today because I feel so off and outside of myself. I don't know who I am right now. I have never been filled with so much self doubt and loneliness before and I'm not handling it well. I understand what everyone is saying. I'm not a stupid person...I'm just not making myself do it and I don't know why. I don't WANT to feel this way, I really don't. I do finally think I understand what he must be feeling towards their relationship. You know it's wrong, but you want it anyway. I'm a mess.

[reinventmyself]

Yes I know that NC is key to healing. But I guess I haven't been ready to do that yet because I still want to be with him. I'm just being honest. How do you stop wanting it?

 

I'm losing all self respect. I feel trapped in my own head and in my apartment. I spent an hour with a distress call line today because I feel so off and outside of myself. I don't know who I am right now. I have never been filled with so much self doubt and loneliness before and I'm not handling it well. I understand what everyone is saying. I'm not a stupid person...I'm just not making myself do it and I don't know why. I don't WANT to feel this way, I really don't. I do finally think I understand what he must be feeling towards their relationship. You know it's wrong, but you want it anyway. I'm a mess.

 

Look. . I am in NC right now and miss mine as well. Missing someone is nasty mind trick to make us believe we are right for each other. But you can miss someone and at the same time acknowledge they are not a healthy choice.

 

Your self esteem is plummeting because you are not fiercely taking care of yourself. And that is your job.

I feel for you and your are vulnerable and lonely. There is only one way out and it's not through him.

What's the first thing. . even small that you can do for yourself right at this moment?

 

You are waiting for the feeling to fight to catch up with you. But you have to actively start to fight to begin the feel it.

[CharlieGurl]

Look. . I am in NC right now and miss mine as well. Missing someone is nasty mind trick to make us believe we are right for each other. But you can miss someone and at the same time acknowledge they are not a healthy choice.

 

Your self esteem is plummeting because you are not fiercely taking care of yourself. And that is your job.

I feel for you and your are vulnerable and lonely. There is only one way out and it's not through him.

What's the first thing. . even small that you can do for yourself right at this moment?

You are waiting for the feeling to fight to catch up with you. But you have to actively start to fight to begin the feel it.

 

I know I'm not. I'm not taking care of myself in any way. I come here because on so many days now, other than people I talk to at school, I talk to nobody. I can't burden my friends and family with this anymore. I don't want to worry anyone. I looked into psychologists today- I know I need help. My school benefits don't cover psychologists so I will have to pay out of pocket and probably have to drive an hour to the bigger city.

 

I'm not eating, not sleeping well, not studying like I used to (I'm still going to all my classes and so far I'm maintaining my 4.0 average so that's something I guess).

 

Right now. I don't know. I texted my best friend who is 5 hours away. She's planning her wedding for next month. I just asked her how things were going with the planning. I'm trying to reach out to people and not talk about this.

[Wiseman2]

Addicted to drama and like he said, he loved the rush of the honeymoon period.

What makes someone go back to a toxic, co-dependent person time and time again? he said "because I wonder what you're like after the honeymoon stage..."

[CharlieGurl]

Addicted to drama and like he said, he loved the rush of the honeymoon period.

 

When we were just friends, I asked him about that...I asked if it was the honeymoon period or the make up sex or whatever that kept him going back and he said there never really was a honeymoon period...it was just back into the routine and what was comfortable.

 

I think when he asked me about what i'm like after the honeymoon period, I think he was referring to what his ex was like at the beginning of their relationship. Or maybe, as he said, he just thought I was too good to be true.

[Hollyj]

He doesn't send me memes anymore. He still texts from time to time. I don't initiate but I have responded. Sometimes with a full conversation and sometimes with short responses.

 

I guess it's enough to make him certain I'm still holding on. I just want to stop myself from thinking about him. But how do you stop!?!

 

You block! Simple.

 

You need to force yourself to get out and do things.

[Hollyj]

Yes I know that NC is key to healing. But I guess I haven't been ready to do that yet because I still want to be with him. I'm just being honest. How do you stop wanting it?

 

I'm losing all self respect. I feel trapped in my own head and in my apartment. I spent an hour with a distress call line today because I feel so off and outside of myself. I don't know who I am right now. I have never been filled with so much self doubt and loneliness before and I'm not handling it well. I understand what everyone is saying. I'm not a stupid person...I'm just not making myself do it and I don't know why. I don't WANT to feel this way, I really don't. I do finally think I understand what he must be feeling towards their relationship. You know it's wrong, but you want it anyway. I'm a mess.

 

He has dumped you for his ex. You were a rebound (comfort zone), until he could return to her.

 

You are doing to yourself, by staying in contact. Why haven't you sought counseling?

 

Are you really going to through your life and career in the toilet over this guy.? That's really sad.

[gypsybird87]

He doesn't send me memes anymore. He still texts from time to time. I don't initiate but I have responded. Sometimes with a full conversation and sometimes with short responses.

 

I guess it's enough to make him certain I'm still holding on. I just want to stop myself from thinking about him. But how do you stop!?!

 

Really? All in one post you say you are having full conversations with him, then you ask how to stop thinking about him?

 

There's been a lot of talk on this thread about his addiction to drama, his inability to break free of a toxic relationship etc. I don't disagree with any of that. But the more I read here, the more I see you say over and over that you know what to do, yet you REFUSE to do it... makes me feel like you are addicted to this drama as well. I have no idea what sort of emotional payoff you're getting from this, but there must be something. How many times are you going to ask for advice you aren't willing to take?

 

As the very wise catfeeder says, "Emotions follow behavior, not the other way around." You are choosing to continue addictive and codependent behaviors. So guess what? You're still miserable. If you truly want to feel better, change your behavior!!

[lostlove76]

I have to agree (again) that stopping talking to him is crucial. It doesn't mean that you'll immediately quit thinking about him, but it will allow you the space to gradually think about him less and less. I quit talking to mine May 22nd, ignored all his calls until I gave in on June 8th and talked to him, and haven't spoken to him since. He's remained on my mind almost 24/7 since then, but I'm realizing that it was because I kept constantly checking his social media (which everyone told me over and over to stop doing). Today, for the first time, I have finally made it well past 24 hours without checking at all because I realized that it was keeping me stuck and making me miserable when I saw things I didn't want to see. Well today, having not checked it, I feel like I had a better day. We'll see if the relief continues, but so far so good. My social media stalking is like your texting with him. It keeps him on your mind, like the other posters are saying, and it's going to delay your healing and moving on. I didn't want to listen when people told me either! You'll stop when you're ready; when you realize that it's just prolonging the pain. Maybe you could chart your moods according to when you hear from him - do you feel worse after talking to him? Do you feel better for a while, but then have a huge drop until you hear from him again? Make a list of what you gain from talking to him vs ways in which it hurts you.

 

Some people are able to be friends with exes after a breakup, but most aren't - not until time has passed and healing has occurred. I know that I myself can't handle it. I would say that since you're having such a hard time, it's not doing you any favors either. He will still be on your mind for a long time, especially living in the same building, but cutting off contact is the first step from everything I've read and experienced. I read somewhere a while back that NC = No New Hurt, and that's true. You still have to deal with all the old/present hurt, but if you don't have any contact, no additional hurt can be heaped upon it.

 

Just my opinion. Everyone has different ways of healing and moving forward. Hang in there!

[CharlieGurl]

Really? All in one post you say you are having full conversations with him, then you ask how to stop thinking about him?

 

There's been a lot of talk on this thread about his addiction to drama, his inability to break free of a toxic relationship etc. I don't disagree with any of that. But the more I read here, the more I see you say over and over that you know what to do, yet you REFUSE to do it... makes me feel like you are addicted to this drama as well. I have no idea what sort of emotional payoff you're getting from this, but there must be something. How many times are you going to ask for advice you aren't willing to take?

 

As the very wise catfeeder says, "Emotions follow behavior, not the other way around." You are choosing to continue addictive and codependent behaviors. So guess what? You're still miserable. If you truly want to feel better, change your behavior!!

 

I was thinking about this exact thing last night...I keep thinking that I will act differently/make better decisions once I'm in a better mindframe, but I guess it doesn't work that way. I need to make better decisions first and emotions will follow.

 

I am not addicted to the drama. That's not what this is about. I think I know myself pretty well, and I think I've been very honest about things on here (I have no reason not to, other than to save my embarrassment which is too late now anyway). I continue to post here and "ask for advice" because I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm usually very in control of myself, but I feel such a loss of control. I almost feel like if I can win him over again or hear the things I want to hear, it is giving me control back...but it's not. I feel like when I hear something from him I feel better for a brief period and then I don't...I don't feel worse than I did, but the same...no movement forwards.

 

I understand that what I'm doing by not cutting off ties is toxic to myself. I understand that this guy (no guy) is worth this. I understand that I am currently in a position where I am tying my self worth in with whatever little attention he is giving me. And that's the biggest problem here.

 

You're right...I must be getting some sort of emotional pay off from this. I have no idea what that could possibly be. The only thing I can think of is that it somehow reinforces the terrible things that I'm already saying to myself...that i'm not worthy of a good relationship, that no one will ever love me the way I deserve or the way I love others, that I am going to live the rest of my life alone....all the things that I have continued to tell myself over and over for years as they pass and I still haven't found someone. So, when someone comes along and it "seems" really good (because outside of the obvious, our time spent together did feel/seem very good...we didn't fight, we had chemistry, we laughed all the time etc.), I hang on for dear life because it feels like my last chance.

 

I'm not going to let him ruin what I came here to do. And more importantly, I'm not going to let him ruin the person that I am.

 

I just found this posting. It's a really great read for those of you who haven't read it yet:

 

 

 

Even though it might not seem like it, because I haven't put advice into action, I am so grateful for all of the advice I've received on here and the words of encouragement, the kindness and the tough love. I keep your words in my head all the time and I will act on them. It's taking longer, because the situation seems so hopeless, living here, but I will have to cut him off as much as possible in the circumstance.

[BeHeard]

He likes projects, possibly due to being codependent and/or playing a similar role in his earlier years. This he wants the satisfaction of having "saved" or "fixed" somebody and gets worth from this.

 

Of course this is great in theory, never works in practice.

 

This is my theory. My stepfather has been running on this precise hamster wheel for 40 years now with my mother. It's mind-boggling to me.