Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

[Realitynut]

hahahaha....good luck!

Borderlines....super emotional.

 

My hot/cold guy....not emotional AT ALL...except it comes out in anger.

 

The fight or flight reflex. Fighting is a way to make distance. Or flight. They withdraw....they leave. The clam up and don't call. They need space.

Then they make up....they want you.

 

Ugh. It's all a vicious cycle. Of course you thought this guy was different...he was still PURSUING YOU!

[Hollyj]

I always think of that saying, a true soulmate will make you grow, they will be like a mirror to show you what you need to work on, and that's been a strong theme in this relationship even from the beginning, we both talked about how it felt like we were meant to be together. We both make up for where the other lacks, we both have strengths where the other has weaknesses. We could both help each other fix ourselves, basically...I have let him in to fix my issues (sexual ones) but he's not letting me in to fix his emotional ones. He has said a few times, he is trying to change his life for the better and asked the universe for someone like me, and then I showed up, and he said it felt like it was meant to happen. But now he's pushing it away, because change is hard, and he will blame me for making him realize he has to change in order to keep this going...I agree he needs therapy but of course he won't admit it, honestly though I think his life has been so messed up it would be impossible for him to become normal. He's been on drugs since he was in grade school because his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after they got into an argument, his father beat him (not the other kids, just him), and women cheat on him, his brother started a business with him then kept all the money and shut him out of it, it just never ends with his life, it's horrible. I can't believe he is as functional as he is, honestly. But even after learning all this, I still accepted him because he treated me good and was into me and I enjoy my life so much better with him in it. Ugh. So torn on what to do next. My intuition is telling me to give it another week or two and figure out how to word what I need to say, these last 2 posts hit the nail on the head so I need to make sure I use some of these words when I talk to him. Thanks, guys!!

 

Good grief! This has co dependence written all over it! So unhealthy!

 

I can't understand what attracted you???? This guy is an emotional mess.

 

It sounds like you have many of your own issues, or you would never have been attracted so someone like this.

[Hermes]

"....a true soulmate will make you grow, they will be like a mirror to show you what you need to work on, and that's been a strong theme in this relationship

 

RockC. Just that phrase alone has dysfunctional written through it. It is no one's job to make you "grow"; you do that yourself. And anyhow there is no such thing as a "soulmate".

 

Ugh. Mirroring. Why should the "other" have to show you what you need to work on. That is the job of a therapist.

[Hollyj]

I'm surprised no one noticed this! Like LostLove, Like me....Like many on this board, we've been with men that were emotionally unavailable, couldn't make commitments, had personality disorders, etc. etc. We all think if we just 'loved them more'....it would fix them, and they'd love as back....LIKE THEY DID AT THE BEGINNING!!!

 

It ain't gonna happen.

 

Have you realized that the first 3 months you didn't have sex....then in the last month (the 4) he started pulling away 2 weeks ago.

 

Do you realize that THAT is just 2 weeks after you had sex??? Sort of a time frame when SOME commitment phobes do the old pulling away trick.

 

My guy was wonderful for 10 MONTHS. Count 'em...10 MONTHS. No sex. He was chasing me. The day we had sex, he jumped up all weird like...and said, don't call or text me tomorrow.

 

I've hung on for over 2 more years. He pushes me away....then if I start seeing someone else...or even ACT like I might be interested in someone else, he comes running back with declarations of love. Hey...and he's in his late 50's and I'm 61...wouldn't ya think we'd have our sh*t together by now?

 

He WON'T get his crap together unless he WANTS to...and that mean counseling and LOTS of it.

 

You need help too....because he is playing BIG mind-games with you...and you are allowing it.

I have had a LOT of horrible relationships in my life...but never a guy who did this HOT/COLD thing like this. Drove me CRAZY....and he even has said...'you're nuts'....

 

So trust me when I say...it only gets worse.

 

My mom said at one time...she thought this guy 'was the one'....that is how wonderful he was to me...and how he pursued me...and how he made me LAUGH all the time.

 

You know what he does now? Makes me cry.

 

End it sooner than later. Sure, he says everyone leaves him sooner or later and has fear of abandonment (Borderline). Got it. I have strong Borderline tendencies...but I OWN up to them, after a disastrous relationship, and am working HARD to change myself. But unless he see's his flaws, as flaws...he will always put the blame on YOU!

 

Things to read up on:

Borderline Personality disorder (fear of abandonment, rejection, mood swings and more)

Emotionally Unavailable (good read...The Unavailable Man and the fallback girl....Author of BaggageReclaim. )

Commitmentphobic men (or women...but is usually associated with men)

 

My latest find....Intermittent Reinforcement.

 

Funny, just a few days ago I was listening to the radio...and they started talking about that. They just didn't call it Intermittent Reinforcement. But I recognized it as the article I read...and have posted on here many times.

 

It's a wakeup call...you need to be woke up too!

 

 

 

Why are you still in contact? Why haven't you blocked this guy from your life? Have you sought therapy?

 

You're not a victim in this. YOU are actively choosing to stay in this dramatic mess! I wonder why this is such a place of comfort for you?

 

What do these guys have to do for you to wake up!

[Rockchick26]

Hi!! Just got caught up on your thread. That's an interesting story about your friend. That's what makes this super hard! We don't know if our guys will be like your friend's guy, and he'll get through the freakouts but then commit, or if it's going to be an ongoing never-ending hot/cold cycle. Mine turned into a 2-year hot/cold cycle and it's finally come to an end because I can't take it anymore. I gave him a hundred chances. Off and on and off and on. Did your friend's guy just decide on his own to move to be with her? Did she do anything in particular to push him into deciding? With your guy, I see about a 50/50 chance at this point. It's pretty early in the game, at just 4 months. My instinct is that your best bet is to walk away and see if he comes after you, and make it a little bit hard for him to get you back. But then if he fails his second chance, cut it off for good or else you're just setting yourself up for more and worse hurt down the line. He sounds depressed and extremely moody, and I don't know that that could change without therapy of some sort. As opposed to a guy who has a fear of commitment, but then decides he does want it, like in your friend's case. So hard to know what to do. I feel for you!!

 

My friend was super clingy actually, always trying to call and message him, I dont think she gave him space much, lol He just came around, either on his own or maybe she had something to do with it, who knows.

 

My boyfriend seems very focused on marriage, like he thinks a dealbreaker would be someone who doesn't enjoy cuddling in bed, someone who doesnt want to sleep in the same bed (something I have a problem with, which could be why he doesn't think i'm marriage material). He also commented that I have too much of a 'yours/mine mindset', and he likes to think of everything as ours, like we share it. But I can't think that way only 4 months in, how can anyone know they want to get married this soon? He just wants to be married so much I think he would marry any girl who wouldn't cheat on him (the last 2 did so he left them)

[Rockchick26]

hahahaha....good luck!

Borderlines....super emotional.

 

My hot/cold guy....not emotional AT ALL...except it comes out in anger.

 

The fight or flight reflex. Fighting is a way to make distance. Or flight. They withdraw....they leave. The clam up and don't call. They need space.

Then they make up....they want you.

 

Ugh. It's all a vicious cycle. Of course you thought this guy was different...he was still PURSUING YOU!

 

Yeah i've had guys who only wanted sex who quit pursuing me after a few weeks, so 4 months to me is a damn long time especially to a guy who says he could have sex every day.

[Rockchick26]

Why are you still in contact? Why haven't you blocked this guy from your life? Have you sought therapy?

 

You're not a victim in this. YOU are actively choosing to stay in this dramatic mess! I wonder why this is such a place of comfort for you?

 

What do these guys have to do for you to wake up!

 

It's only been 2 weeks, and we work together side by side and I was afraid of how that would be, cuz I can't see a guy every day and get over him... but I have had enough now, not sure if you saw my last post, I wrote him a breakup letter last night.

[Wiseman2]

If he is so marriage minded at 4 months why is he telling you this and where does he see this going with you?

he doesn't think i'm marriage material

[lostlove76]

It's only been 2 weeks, and we work together side by side and I was afraid of how that would be, cuz I can't see a guy every day and get over him... but I have had enough now, not sure if you saw my last post, I wrote him a breakup letter last night.

 

Did you send the letter? I'm curious what his response will be.

[catfeeder]

... but I have had enough now, not sure if you saw my last post, I wrote him a breakup letter last night.

 

Don't put anything you wouldn't want to see posted to a restroom wall or a website into writing.

 

That's schoolkid stuff, and most kids have gotten burned by it badly enough to have learned not to do it.

 

You can simply tell someone that it's no longer working for you without dumping in a letter.

 

This guy works where you work.

 

~THINK.~

[Rockchick26]

If he is so marriage minded at 4 months why is he telling you this and where does he see this going with you?

 

He was marriage minded before we even started dating, he just wants to be married. I don't know where he sees this going with me now, things are up in the air at the moment, I don't know what he wants and I don't think he does either.

[Rockchick26]

Good grief! This has co dependence written all over it! So unhealthy!

 

I can't understand what attracted you???? This guy is an emotional mess.

 

It sounds like you have many of your own issues, or you would never have been attracted so someone like this.

 

I was attracted to him because we started out as friends and had amazing conversations and found out how much we had in common and we shared the same values (loyalty, monogamous relationships, etc.) He wasn't like this in the beginning, of course it's easy to be attracted to someone who is on their best behavior, when you're first getting to know them.

[Rockchick26]

"....a true soulmate will make you grow, they will be like a mirror to show you what you need to work on, and that's been a strong theme in this relationship

 

RockC. Just that phrase alone has dysfunctional written through it. It is no one's job to make you "grow"; you do that yourself. And anyhow there is no such thing as a "soulmate".

 

Ugh. Mirroring. Why should the "other" have to show you what you need to work on. That is the job of a therapist.

 

I can't explain it good enough I guess, it's a common idea though so google came up with lots of results but here's one that explains it quite well;

 

 

[Rockchick26]

Did you send the letter? I'm curious what his response will be.

 

This is going to get long, lol...

 

I brought the letter to work, started working, he was nowhere to be found so I just started working. Finally he comes in and noticed I was just working, not saying hi. He came up to me and tried to have a normal conversation but of course I was angry and anxious so he picked up on that and was acting wierd. Then he went missing for like an hour, nobody could find him. Later when he came around me again, he changed into his old self again. He became sweet, interested in talking, smiling a lot, hovering near me trying to make conversation, walking to break with me (lately he hasn't done that), he took my garbage out for me, etc. He said I am scaring him with how I was acting, and I said he's been scaring me too, and he said he just needs some space to work on some personal issues. He said he wanted to talk after work, he asked if I wanted to go to the bar but I said I think drinking is a bad idea if we're gonna talk about our relationship, and he said well wherever I wanna go, we can go to his place or mine, it was up to me. At the end of the night he put his hand on my waist and said "So you'll call me tonight when you get out of the shower?" I said yeah and we smiled at each other.

 

I showered and called him and I said "I'm ready" and he goes "For what?" I basically spent the next few minutes reminding him of the conversations we had at work and he claims he only remembers me saying no to the bar so he didnt think we were going anywhere. So then he said he will shower and call me back. I said "will you? Or am I going to be standing here with my keys in my hand waiting all night?' He said "Relax, and i'll call you when I'm ready". It's now been an hour and a half. He was on Facebook on and off but he hasn't been on for over half an hour now.

 

I am debating how to handle this. I was all set to just send him a breakup message on FB since that's where he was spending his time and I knew I could get his attention there, but no I think I will just do nothing and see if he calls and if he doesn't call and/or apologize by the time we go into work tomorrow, I will tell him obviously he doesn't care enough to even talk about our relationship so it's over. The only problem with that plan is I really don't want to have a fight at work or break up during work, we work side by side in the same room and it's going to be HELL. No matter what happens. I want to break up with him more than ever now because what he did tonight was so crazy I am still in disbelief. He was a completely different person at work, once he got home, he changed back again. I kinda feel like he is that scared to actually have this talk, maybe he thinks i'm gonna break up with him and can't deal with it. One other time I said "We need to talk after work" and he said "Alright lets get it over with", and he acted wierd until I got there and he was all quiet and I asked why he was so quiet and he said he thought I was gonna break up with him. Anyway, back to tonight... he told me at work "You didn't call me once all weekend, it's like you don't even care at all" I said "But I sent you messages and texts and you never replied to them!" He said "You know I hate messages, you should always call me". Well I did call him Friday night which I reminded him of, I said "You stopped it after the 2nd ring and refused to talk to me", he said "I did a lot of sleeping over the weekend." He isn't lying actually, he sleeps more than anything else, ever since I met him I was shocked at how much he sleeps, sometimes 12 hours a few days in a row. Anyway, I am just sitting here processing everything he said today and how he was acting at work, it was so wierd cuz he used to act that way all the way up until 2 weeks ago and I thought he was done being that lovesick lost puppy type guy. But then he got home and I don't know what happened. Maybe he's having another panic attack, he has them a lot and I caught him having one about a month ago when he was saying he doesn't want me to be disappointed by him, and it was so bad he didn't let me in his apt for like 10 minutes until he calmed down. He had another one 2 weeks ago the last day we were on good terms, we were about to take a nap in his bed and he couldn't move, he was just sitting at the edge of the bed breathing heavy and sweating, then he curled up facing away from me and when I asked what was wrong he said I'm not into him like he's into me. So, maybe it's just my analytical mind here but I am noticing patterns where he has panic attacks and can't deal with the situation whenever it gets too much for him. So maybe that's what is happening now, I don't know. Either way though, if he doesn't call or apologize by tomorrow, there will probably be a fight and a breakup right there during work which I want to avoid but I don't know what else to do.

[Rockchick26]

Don't put anything you wouldn't want to see posted to a restroom wall or a website into writing.

 

That's schoolkid stuff, and most kids have gotten burned by it badly enough to have learned not to do it.

 

You can simply tell someone that it's no longer working for you without dumping in a letter.

 

This guy works where you work.

 

~THINK.~

 

But he won't let me see him outside of work, and he wont' even call me right now to talk like he said he would...at work is not the place to break up with someone, it's going to get ugly. We can't be moved anywhere else either. I thought the letter would be a good idea because he was telling me a while ago how he found a letter his ex wrote him, he kept it, and when he found it he said he got emotional, not because he is in love with her but because she was addicted to drugs too and he was wondering if she is ok now. So I know he keeps letters from girlfriends. I wanted to give him something he could read forever, not like a message online, or a conversation he'll probably forget (his memory is horrible from all the drugs he's done).

[Rockchick26]

Wow...this just gets wierder and wierder. He did call, finally 2 hours later. I said "well I guess we can't go anywhere now", and he said "I guess I just can't make you happy." Then I asked him right out, if he wanted to break up. He said no, I keep analyzing things and thinking he means things he doesn't. Then I said how can you not want to break up yet you say you dont want a relationship right now, and he said he doesnt know if he does or not, he needs to think about it. He said I have been pressuring him into it and i said "you asked ME out! why did you ask me to be your girlfriend then?" he said "I thought thats what I wanted at the time." Yet he can't say we should break up!! I said well I can't stay in limbo, I hate acting like we're just friends. He goes, "You dont wanna be my friend?" I said "I wish I could but I have feelings for you and we had sex and that was major for me", then he said neither of us even enjoyed it because I was in too much pain (long story short, I was pretty much a virgin, well, partly, lol) and I said I was shocked he said that cuz the next day afterwards he told me how amazing it was and how much he loved me. I guess he goes back on his word a lot too. This guy is just too much. I really want to break up now but he says he doesn't want to and now I feel like if I end it, he'll think i'm overreacting and get upset then things will be even more wierd at work. Anyway the last thing I said was "Is that why you've been avoiding sex, because it was painful for me?" he said "...I gotta think, i'll call you back later." Pfft. Later he'll be sleeping, it's already after 2 am now. I just can't believe this. It was so good. I guess he was a good enough actor to fool me AND himself.

[dragonfly31]

Wow this is a lot to digest. All I can say is trust your instincts. If you're not ready to break up because of the work situation, how do you feel about just playing it cool and see how he acts? Break up this dance a little. You have this retreat and chase dynamic. Maybe it's time to stop chasing him. Don't pursue him or look for him at all. He knows by acting like this how you will reply. It's now a pattern. The only way to create a new pattern is for one of you to change your response to the other. And it's not going to be him. I'm in a similar situation which you read about. If you're just a few months in: don't get any deeper until you guys resolve this. I lost my virginity to mine too. I know being intimate attaches you. Its hard to let go. This guy needs a lot of work. The sooner you set boundaries on what you'll tolerate the better you both will be. My heart goes out to you. Mine broke up with me after a few months. I wish I had let him go then. Here I am 3 years later wondering if he's even still with me. It's hard I know. I know.

[NightLily]

He sounds very similar to my ex. Found out after he was cheating me. Honestly, please dump him before he dumps you. Then, you will at least feel like you had some control over your life.

[dearJas]

It sounds like a sinking ship- you don't have to drown. It seems like you making ounces of effort and for one reason or another he's just simply not interested anymore. It's only been 4 months too, where do you practically see the relationship going? If it's not in a good direction- take your leave. Someone else will appreciate you!

[Hollyj]

This is going to get long, lol...

 

I brought the letter to work, started working, he was nowhere to be found so I just started working. Finally he comes in and noticed I was just working, not saying hi. He came up to me and tried to have a normal conversation but of course I was angry and anxious so he picked up on that and was acting wierd. Then he went missing for like an hour, nobody could find him. Later when he came around me again, he changed into his old self again. He became sweet, interested in talking, smiling a lot, hovering near me trying to make conversation, walking to break with me (lately he hasn't done that), he took my garbage out for me, etc. He said I am scaring him with how I was acting, and I said he's been scaring me too, and he said he just needs some space to work on some personal issues. He said he wanted to talk after work, he asked if I wanted to go to the bar but I said I think drinking is a bad idea if we're gonna talk about our relationship, and he said well wherever I wanna go, we can go to his place or mine, it was up to me. At the end of the night he put his hand on my waist and said "So you'll call me tonight when you get out of the shower?" I said yeah and we smiled at each other.

 

I showered and called him and I said "I'm ready" and he goes "For what?" I basically spent the next few minutes reminding him of the conversations we had at work and he claims he only remembers me saying no to the bar so he didnt think we were going anywhere. So then he said he will shower and call me back. I said "will you? Or am I going to be standing here with my keys in my hand waiting all night?' He said "Relax, and i'll call you when I'm ready". It's now been an hour and a half. He was on Facebook on and off but he hasn't been on for over half an hour now.

 

I am debating how to handle this. I was all set to just send him a breakup message on FB since that's where he was spending his time and I knew I could get his attention there, but no I think I will just do nothing and see if he calls and if he doesn't call and/or apologize by the time we go into work tomorrow, I will tell him obviously he doesn't care enough to even talk about our relationship so it's over. The only problem with that plan is I really don't want to have a fight at work or break up during work, we work side by side in the same room and it's going to be HELL. No matter what happens. I want to break up with him more than ever now because what he did tonight was so crazy I am still in disbelief. He was a completely different person at work, once he got home, he changed back again. I kinda feel like he is that scared to actually have this talk, maybe he thinks i'm gonna break up with him and can't deal with it. One other time I said "We need to talk after work" and he said "Alright lets get it over with", and he acted wierd until I got there and he was all quiet and I asked why he was so quiet and he said he thought I was gonna break up with him. Anyway, back to tonight... he told me at work "You didn't call me once all weekend, it's like you don't even care at all" I said "But I sent you messages and texts and you never replied to them!" He said "You know I hate messages, you should always call me". Well I did call him Friday night which I reminded him of, I said "You stopped it after the 2nd ring and refused to talk to me", he said "I did a lot of sleeping over the weekend." He isn't lying actually, he sleeps more than anything else, ever since I met him I was shocked at how much he sleeps, sometimes 12 hours a few days in a row. Anyway, I am just sitting here processing everything he said today and how he was acting at work, it was so wierd cuz he used to act that way all the way up until 2 weeks ago and I thought he was done being that lovesick lost puppy type guy. But then he got home and I don't know what happened. Maybe he's having another panic attack, he has them a lot and I caught him having one about a month ago when he was saying he doesn't want me to be disappointed by him, and it was so bad he didn't let me in his apt for like 10 minutes until he calmed down. He had another one 2 weeks ago the last day we were on good terms, we were about to take a nap in his bed and he couldn't move, he was just sitting at the edge of the bed breathing heavy and sweating, then he curled up facing away from me and when I asked what was wrong he said I'm not into him like he's into me. So, maybe it's just my analytical mind here but I am noticing patterns where he has panic attacks and can't deal with the situation whenever it gets too much for him. So maybe that's what is happening now, I don't know. Either way though, if he doesn't call or apologize by tomorrow, there will probably be a fight and a breakup right there during work which I want to avoid but I don't know what else to do.

 

Stop making so many damn excuses!!!!!

 

Tis idiot is the king of manipulation and passive aggression.

 

End it, already!!!!

[Hollyj]

BTW, someone mentioning marriage so early is off. This is not normal. Big red flag.

[Hollyj]

Wow...this just gets wierder and wierder. He did call, finally 2 hours later. I said "well I guess we can't go anywhere now", and he said "I guess I just can't make you happy." Then I asked him right out, if he wanted to break up. He said no, I keep analyzing things and thinking he means things he doesn't. Then I said how can you not want to break up yet you say you dont want a relationship right now, and he said he doesnt know if he does or not, he needs to think about it. He said I have been pressuring him into it and i said "you asked ME out! why did you ask me to be your girlfriend then?" he said "I thought thats what I wanted at the time." Yet he can't say we should break up!! I said well I can't stay in limbo, I hate acting like we're just friends. He goes, "You dont wanna be my friend?" I said "I wish I could but I have feelings for you and we had sex and that was major for me", then he said neither of us even enjoyed it because I was in too much pain (long story short, I was pretty much a virgin, well, partly, lol) and I said I was shocked he said that cuz the next day afterwards he told me how amazing it was and how much he loved me. I guess he goes back on his word a lot too. This guy is just too much. I really want to break up now but he says he doesn't want to and now I feel like if I end it, he'll think i'm overreacting and get upset then things will be even more wierd at work. Anyway the last thing I said was "Is that why you've been avoiding sex, because it was painful for me?" he said "...I gotta think, i'll call you back later." Pfft. Later he'll be sleeping, it's already after 2 am now. I just can't believe this. It was so good. I guess he was a good enough actor to fool me AND himself.

 

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh. This is absolutely ridiculous. Why do you believe you deserve so little for yourself?

 

Now, you know why women ditch this fool. Who is going to put up with this nonsense. Now, why are you?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he wants casual dating but you want a relationship. This wishy-washy response sounds like he's stringing you along.

I said how can you not want to break up yet you say you dont want a relationship right now and he said he doesnt know if he does or not, he needs to think about it. He said I have been pressuring him into it

[dearJas]

waited 3 months for me to be ready to have sex (long story there),

A bit of a wild question coming in your direction but do you think maybe he is behaving this way because he's got what he wanted?

[dearJas]

BTW, someone mentioning marriage so early is off. This is not normal. Big red flag.

 

I don't think mentioning marriage early is off, if you have marriage as a goal and the other person doesn't you wouldn't really know unless you mention it. I guess it's because of the situation him mentioning marriage is REALLY OFF