Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

[ThatwasThen]

I wouldn't at all judge you if you want to stay, though, because I probably would too. Hugs.

That is due to issues of codependency, as you've learned LL.

[Rockchick26]

That's a tough situation!! I don't really know the answer. I agree with ThatwasThen that you can't fix him, nor should you have to. He has very deep issues due to his past (how awful about his mom, my goodness), and therapy probably is in order. I'm like you and tend to believe that love is the answer to everything, but so far, that's gotten me nowhere good in life/relationships! Some things are too complicated for love to fix. I can just see this turning into a situation where you feel constantly pushed away and unwanted, and that is confusing and it hurts, even if you know where it's coming from. The longer you stay with him, the deeper you'll get, and the more it's going to hurt and the harder it's going to be to walk away. Maybe losing you will give him the wake-up call he needs to get help. I wouldn't at all judge you if you want to stay, though, because I probably would too. Hugs.

 

Thanks! Yeah I know love doesn't fix things like it should, I think the only reason it doesn't is because the love isn't being accepted by that person. You can give it away but you can't make someone accept it. I think, too, that breaking up with him might spur him to fix himself, but if it doesn't work, at least I tried. I can't do more than my best. I am sure I will be ending things, it's just a matter of figuring out how and when to do it. Now that I know how he is, it's making me feel less depressed about the whole thing and more smart, like up til now I was beating myself up about it thinking he just didn't like me anymore, but after analyzing everything and talking to people about it and realizing what's going on is truly all about him, not me, it makes me feel better, at least.

[lostlove76]

That is due to issues of codependency, as you've learned LL.

 

Yep!!

 

Thanks! Yeah I know love doesn't fix things like it should, I think the only reason it doesn't is because the love isn't being accepted by that person. You can give it away but you can't make someone accept it. I think, too, that breaking up with him might spur him to fix himself, but if it doesn't work, at least I tried. I can't do more than my best. I am sure I will be ending things, it's just a matter of figuring out how and when to do it. Now that I know how he is, it's making me feel less depressed about the whole thing and more smart, like up til now I was beating myself up about it thinking he just didn't like me anymore, but after analyzing everything and talking to people about it and realizing what's going on is truly all about him, not me, it makes me feel better, at least.

 

Yeah, this has nothing at all to do with him not being into you. I know exactly how you feel. I'm still struggling terribly trying to get over a two-year on/off relationship with a guy who has a lot of self-worth issues, among other things. He's pushed me away countless times, then comes back as loving as can be, then pushes me away again. There's way more to it than that, and waaaaay more than I will get into here. But I'll just say that I tried everything I could possibly try, I spent probably thousands of hours researching and googling and reading books and asking for advice. I deeply love this person, and it's been sheer torture trying to break away. I don't want you to end up in that same situation down the road. Your guy and my guy have a lot of differences, but the push/pull is the same, and I see myself in you.

 

ThatwasThen has been helping me and is full of wise advice, so listen to her

[Rockchick26]

and yet here you are telling us that the behaviour is escalating and he's treating you like he is indifferent a whole lot.

 

What I meant was, yeah it's true we can't fix anyone, but it is also true people don't fix themselves without wanting to change, and people DO make other people want to change. Stuff is happening right now that I feel needs to happen, he is acting exactly how someone would who doesn't think they deserve love and who is given it, they are skeptical and their mind will create the reality they fear. I'm dragging this out, but basically i'm agreeing with what you and LostLove have said.

 

Where do you get this stuff? You could be in his corner and support him while he gets his therapy and works on his issues. That is much healthier then you thinking you can control outcomes and fix what's happened to him with your sheer will and devotion.

 

I know he needs therapy but I can't make him get it, and I know he needs love but I CAN give him that. It's all I can do, so I have to try.

 

What is missing in YOU that you want to continue with this man. He is the furthest thing from being a good LIFE mate as their could be so I have to ask you what has (your) love for him have to do with anything. Love is never enough reason to stay with someone that can't be a good mate to you in the majority of the time. He treats you with indifference and petulance and at the four month mark, anyone with good, healthy personal boundaries in place and love of self would run away from him... Most have by the looks of things.

 

What is making me want to continue is a lot of things, I think the last 4 months have been 4 of the best months of my entire life. He gave me some of the best memories I have ever made with a man. I know it sounds silly because of how he's acting now, but I wouldn't have stayed if things weren't mostly good. In fact they were all good. I don't consider his little tests to be bad experiences, I do enjoy when he says stuff like that, it makes me feel good to know he wants attention, lol I know that sounds bad...let me put it this way; most men I have dated were too independent and didn't need me in their lives, so this guy finally comes along who can't seem to live without me (well, up til 2 weeks ago, anyway), it was exactly what I'd been missing from the other men I dated. I have dated guys who wouldn't even call me for a few weeks at a time, I have dated guys who accused me of having feelings for my best male friend, I have dated guys who were so selfish they only talked about themselves, I have dated guys who pretended to be into me just to get sex, I have fallen in love with guys who said they would marry me someday only to find out they were gay. Compared to all of those guys, this one is a gem. Nobody is perfect. Like Bob Marley said, "Everyone will hurt you, you just have to find the one worth suffering for."

 

Don't let him bring you down to his emotional level. You know the psychiatric world says that we tend to attract people that are slightly above or slightly below our own mental and emotional health. Not to be cruel, just pointing the act out however: What is that saying about you, then?

 

I guess my flaw is that I like when guys need me, like I just explained above, guys only have used me in the past and/or been too independent to want to be with me. This is only the 2nd official boyfriend I've had, because most of the other guys didn't want a relationship. This guy from before we even dated told me he believes in monogamous relationships not casual sex and that's when I started to think 'wow this guy is different'.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll leave you with one more bit of advise then because you're going to stay and be unhappy and you're going to complain while you stay which is the hallmark of a codependent relationship. You are losing yourself in trying to fix him but that's your choice. While you try to fix I suggest you read everything you can on codependent relationships so that you are actually aware of what you're in. Hopefully you'll at least learn that to accept your lot without complaint... which is to be happy with him in the way he treats you. Is him making you feel important by being dysfunctional going to be enough to keep you happy for a lifetime? Not too many can endure the bad that follows the good and actually be able to accept the lot they've chosen.

[Rockchick26]

Yep!!

 

 

 

Yeah, this has nothing at all to do with him not being into you. I know exactly how you feel. I'm still struggling terribly trying to get over a two-year on/off relationship with a guy who has a lot of self-worth issues, among other things. He's pushed me away countless times, then comes back as loving as can be, then pushes me away again. There's way more to it than that, and waaaaay more than I will get into here. But I'll just say that I tried everything I could possibly try, I spent probably thousands of hours researching and googling and reading books and asking for advice. I deeply love this person, and it's been sheer torture trying to break away. I don't want you to end up in that same situation down the road. Your guy and my guy have a lot of differences, but the push/pull is the same, and I see myself in you.

 

ThatwasThen has been helping me and is full of wise advice, so listen to her

 

I am sorry you went through 2 years of this! I know I wouldn't make it go that long, I have already almost had enough. I just feel I have too much to lose to not fight for this a little more. I don't wanna get too into detail, but he is the only guy I have ever met that can help me with a certain issue I have and he's been VERY patient with me so far and I don't want to give up now with getting that fixed, I feel like he came into my life for this reason.

[Rockchick26]

If you inspire him so much to change his life then inspire him to go to therapy and work on these ingrained issues he's been carrying around since childhood.

 

Yeah I will tell him that, I just need to figure out how to word it so it doesn't sound bad. He is so sensitive he takes things personally and internalizes them and gets stuck in his head for days about one little thing I say or do. So I need to be careful, most people will fly off the handle if you tell them they need therapy. We're both going through so much emotional crap right now, it would only make things worse for me to say that. I mean I will tell him, I just need to word it the right way. I'm the kind of person that has to think and plan far in advance how I'm going to say something, and this is too important to not be careful about.

[Rockchick26]

I'll leave you with one more bit of advise then because you're going to stay and be unhappy and you're going to complain while you stay which is the hallmark of a codependent relationship. You are losing yourself in trying to fix him but that's your choice. While you try to fix I suggest you read everything you can on codependent relationships so that you are actually aware of what you're in. Hopefully you'll at least learn that to accept your lot without complaint... which is to be happy with him in the way he treats you. Is him making you feel important by being dysfunctional going to be enough to keep you happy for a lifetime? Not too many can endure the bad that follows the good and actually be able to accept the lot they've chosen.

 

I am not going to complain anymore, I just asked for advice because I didn't know what was happening and now I got some clarification and feel much better. At least getting imput from you guys (girls, lol) has helped me realize the problem isn't me so that was the first thing I needed to see. I also see now how I am enabling him and getting dragged down with him, let me tell you while I was tossing and turning last night I feel like I have a new perspective on this and will no longer feel as upset if we break up than I would have before. I am feeling some strength that I didn't have a few days ago. It takes time though, so I will get better, this is just the beginning. I will check out codependency. Thanks for all your advice and for talking to me, this helps a LOT!

[notalady]

What I meant was, yeah it's true we can't fix anyone, but it is also true people don't fix themselves without wanting to change, and people DO make other people want to change. Stuff is happening right now that I feel needs to happen, he is acting exactly how someone would who doesn't think they deserve love and who is given it, they are skeptical and their mind will create the reality they fear. I'm dragging this out, but basically i'm agreeing with what you and LostLove have said.

 

 

 

I know he needs therapy but I can't make him get it, and I know he needs love but I CAN give him that. It's all I can do, so I have to try.

 

 

 

What is making me want to continue is a lot of things, I think the last 4 months have been 4 of the best months of my entire life. He gave me some of the best memories I have ever made with a man. I know it sounds silly because of how he's acting now, but I wouldn't have stayed if things weren't mostly good. In fact they were all good. I don't consider his little tests to be bad experiences, I do enjoy when he says stuff like that, it makes me feel good to know he wants attention, lol I know that sounds bad...let me put it this way; most men I have dated were too independent and didn't need me in their lives, so this guy finally comes along who can't seem to live without me (well, up til 2 weeks ago, anyway), it was exactly what I'd been missing from the other men I dated. I have dated guys who wouldn't even call me for a few weeks at a time, I have dated guys who accused me of having feelings for my best male friend, I have dated guys who were so selfish they only talked about themselves, I have dated guys who pretended to be into me just to get sex, I have fallen in love with guys who said they would marry me someday only to find out they were gay. Compared to all of those guys, this one is a gem. Nobody is perfect. Like Bob Marley said, "Everyone will hurt you, you just have to find the one worth suffering for."

 

 

 

I guess my flaw is that I like when guys need me, like I just explained above, guys only have used me in the past and/or been too independent to want to be with me. This is only the 2nd official boyfriend I've had, because most of the other guys didn't want a relationship. This guy from before we even dated told me he believes in monogamous relationships not casual sex and that's when I started to think 'wow this guy is different'.

 

I don't know why you're so determined to stick with this guy after only 4 months, but before you know it, it's gonna be 2,3,4 years and him behaving exactly the same way, so just think about whether it's worth investing your precious years in him (high risk) when he's already showing red flags like these (push/pull, gaslighting, poor communication).

 

Just to share my story, my ex came on strong, was super serious about / into me and said all the right things, constantly talked about the future, marriage, even said I love you etc. all within the first two months of dating. I asked him to slow down because it's just going too fast for me, I just want to get to know him first, and he kind of did. we dated exclusively and after two and half months, I finally said I love you and things were going fantastically, then he started acting distant, not wanting to talk and see each other as much, not being affectionate. At 4 months I asked him why he's behaving like this, long story short, he's not really healed from his last long term (7 year) relationship and still scared of getting into another serious relationship. I did give him another two months which was a total roller coaster ride, before saying this is totally ridiculous and broke up for good. During the final two months, I did say he should see someone as he was giving all these excuses of why he was behaving this way that sounds like he was depressed. He said he can work it out himself and didn't think a therapist can help him (what can they tell me that I don't already know), it was only after we broke up I got an email from him a month later saying he had gone to see someone and they helped him see why he pushes away people he love etc. and I told him I'm happy for him but don't want to get back together.

 

He wouldn't have gone to therapy if I stayed, because there was no losses or consequences to his behaviour, the break up was motivation for him to want to figure out what really was wrong with him. But I suspect it was just so he could say to me, look I've gone to therapy, I'm all good now, let's get back together! I don't think he would've kept going with it if I did return (or even if I didn't return). In any case it was too little too late for me and I highly doubt someone can work out their deep seated issues in a month time and a couple of therapy sessions.

 

People on here warned me about him coming on so strong at the start (red flag), and I didn't think enough of it to not proceed, I've learned my lesson there. Luckily it was only 6 months of my life and not long after the break up I met my current boyfriend, who is perfect for me and been together for a year now, who I wouldn't have met if I stayed on with my ex hoping he would change.

 

A few things to think about - constantly declaring how he feels about you and how he wants a serious relationship and marriage is not a good thing. Most people show their true selves in the first 6 months of dating (although for me usually within the first 4 months they start to show their true colour), you should be using this time to critically assess if someone is a compatible match for long term, that includes their emotional health and emotional skills, finding out they are not who they started off being means the dating process is working and you should be walking away because that's not what you initially wanted and signed up for and his behaviour isn't working for you, instead of trying to fix him. Also emotional issues will take years to work through, and only if THEY acknowledge the full extent of their issues and also really want to work through them to improve himself, that requires high level of self awareness and motivation for self improvement that most people don't have, even if you tell them repeatedly that they need help. Also consider why you are hell bent on staying and fixing him, whether you have your own self-worth issues where you feel this is all you can get, that you can't do better or that you don't deserve or can find someone who is compatible and emotionally healthy, someone that doesn't need fixing.

[qwaspolk82]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. There has been a few times where he has done this before but now it's happening almost on a daily basis and each time it happens it drives me more nuts and now I am at my wits end. I dont even know if there is a name for this behavior so i'll have to explain it...

 

He will act totally distant (usually at work, we work together so we see each other there every day), he will barely look at me, come up with excuses why he isnt talking to me or cant hang out after work, etc. and when we walk out together he walks like he's alone or like he's trying to get away from me, so at the very end when we split up I go "well ok then I guess i'll talk to you later" and he'll kinda sorta turn his head (I'm behind him cuz he's walking fast) and mumble 'see ya later'. So I go home upset and wonder for hours what is going on. A few hours later he will message me on FB "I am bummed I haven't heard from you". *mind boggle* What the...!?!? So i said "you told me you were busy after work then you were going to bed early, and you havent been on FB so I thought you were sleeping" You can tell when someone is typing on FB, he typed then stopped, typed then stopped, literally like 10 times and finally he sends this; "sorry i said anything' What does THAT mean!? So I tried calling him and he stopped the call after 2 rings so it goes to voicemail, I said on Fb 'why arent you answering your phone?' he says "its late, i'm going to bed, i dont feel like talking right now'...Even though we normally talk on the phone until he passes out on me, why can't he talk now? He stayed on Fb 15 minutes longer and wouldn't reply to my next message which was "I'm confused, you barely talked to me at work, didnt want to hang out, barely said goodbye, then said you're bummed i didnt call you even though you told me you were going to bed early, so I call and you dont answer and dont wanna talk now?" and he didnt reply to that.

 

What is he doing?! This has happened before just not to this extreme, it gets worse every time it happens. 2 weeks ago he said "I waited all day for you to kiss me and you didn't" even though I did at least twice! One time he said at work "I'm bummed you havent came to talk to me at all tonight" I said "You haven't came to talk to me either" and he said he was waiting to see how long it would take me to miss him. Another time he said I didn't come talk to him when I came in there 6 times!! I even reminded him how 3 of the times he wasn't in there and 3 of the times we talked, so why is he saying I didn't come talk to him? He rarely comes and talks to ME, so he's complaining that I am not doing something that HE isn't doing but I am! Also recently he will ignore my texts and FB messages then deny that he's ignoring them then say "you haven't tried to get a hold of me either"...WHAT?! I am the ONLY one trying! He is literally lying to my face about something that is obviously happening and how can he deny it, but he turns it around like I'm the one doing something wrong!

 

What does he want from me? What does this behavior mean? I feel like I can't win.

 

That behavior is called being a douchebag. My ex would do this sometimes. He would and moan that I wasn't affectionate enough or show PDA. So I would do it more often and he would act like " are you doing?" When we got divorced and then broke up after getting back together this year, he would do it. One minute not wanna talk to me the next "why don't you call?" It's frustrating and it's insane.

 

 

People like this are usually narcissistic. They only care about themselves. This guy sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Cut your losses now.

[Rockchick26]

I don't know why you're so determined to stick with this guy after only 4 months, but before you know it, it's gonna be 2,3,4 years and him behaving exactly the same way, so just think about whether it's worth investing your precious years in him (high risk) when he's already showing red flags like these (push/pull, gaslighting, poor communication).

 

I explained in other posts why I haven't broken up with him yet, but basically I don't think 2 weeks of this is equal to 4 months of happiness, I mean that's like selling your car you've had for a year just because for one day it made funny noises. I won't let this drag on for years, like I said I'm already almost to the point of ending it, I just need to trust my intuition that another week or two is necessary for many reasons.

 

Just to share my story, my ex came on strong, was super serious about / into me and said all the right things, constantly talked about the future, marriage, even said I love you etc. all within the first two months of dating. I asked him to slow down because it's just going too fast for me, I just want to get to know him first, and he kind of did. we dated exclusively and after two and half months, I finally said I love you and things were going fantastically, then he started acting distant, not wanting to talk and see each other as much, not being affectionate. At 4 months I asked him why he's behaving like this, long story short, he's not really healed from his last long term (7 year) relationship and still scared of getting into another serious relationship. I did give him another two months which was a total roller coaster ride, before saying this is totally ridiculous and broke up for good. During the final two months, I did say he should see someone as he was giving all these excuses of why he was behaving this way that sounds like he was depressed. He said he can work it out himself and didn't think a therapist can help him (what can they tell me that I don't already know), it was only after we broke up I got an email from him a month later saying he had gone to see someone and they helped him see why he pushes away people he love etc. and I told him I'm happy for him but don't want to get back together.

 

He wouldn't have gone to therapy if I stayed, because there was no losses or consequences to his behaviour, the break up was motivation for him to want to figure out what really was wrong with him. But I suspect it was just so he could say to me, look I've gone to therapy, I'm all good now, let's get back together! I don't think he would've kept going with it if I did return (or even if I didn't return). In any case it was too little too late for me and I highly doubt someone can work out their deep seated issues in a month time and a couple of therapy sessions.

 

People on here warned me about him coming on so strong at the start (red flag), and I didn't think enough of it to not proceed, I've learned my lesson there. Luckily it was only 6 months of my life and not long after the break up I met my current boyfriend, who is perfect for me and been together for a year now, who I wouldn't have met if I stayed on with my ex hoping he would change.

 

A few things to think about - constantly declaring how he feels about you and how he wants a serious relationship and marriage is not a good thing. Most people show their true selves in the first 6 months of dating (although for me usually within the first 4 months they start to show their true colour), you should be using this time to critically assess if someone is a compatible match for long term, that includes their emotional health and emotional skills, finding out they are not who they started off being means the dating process is working and you should be walking away because that's not what you initially wanted and signed up for and his behaviour isn't working for you, instead of trying to fix him. Also emotional issues will take years to work through, and only if THEY acknowledge the full extent of their issues and also really want to work through them to improve himself, that requires high level of self awareness and motivation for self improvement that most people don't have, even if you tell them repeatedly that they need help. Also consider why you are hell bent on staying and fixing him, whether you have your own self-worth issues where you feel this is all you can get, that you can't do better or that you don't deserve or can find someone who is compatible and emotionally healthy, someone that doesn't need fixing.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your story...there are a few similarities here, although my boyfriend didn't come on that strong that fast, he didn't say I love you until about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4. He said he didn't say it sooner because he wanted to be sure. We didn't even have sex until about a month ago. I might have given the impression that he was moving quickly early on but I was only talking about him being consistent with contacting me and being open about what he wants and how he feels at any given time. He has never pressured me into moving forward, like I said he even waited 3 months for me to be ready to have sex. He also said he isn't ready to live together either, which I agreed to. Although you can wait a year to move in with someone and still have it go to , that happened to me once. One time he got quiet on me when I tried to have a conversation about what would our perfect day be like, I didnt mean our as in together, I mean what is my perfect day and what is his, he said a few days later he got quiet cuz he thought I was talking about our future too soon. But I told him I didn't mean it that way. So I disagree that he wants to move forward quicker than what is normal. I do agree that breaking up with him would be beneficial to both of us, and i'm sure that's what will happen very soon here.

[Rockchick26]

That behavior is called being a douchebag. My ex would do this sometimes. He would and moan that I wasn't affectionate enough or show PDA. So I would do it more often and he would act like " are you doing?" When we got divorced and then broke up after getting back together this year, he would do it. One minute not wanna talk to me the next "why don't you call?" It's frustrating and it's insane.

 

 

People like this are usually narcissistic. They only care about themselves. This guy sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Cut your losses now.

 

I thought he could be narcissistic too but when I look at the traits he doesn't fit that many of them. He is an empath and very sensitive so he's always picking up on other people's feelings and he gets super affected by emotions, one day he got into an argument with one of our coworkers who is one of his best friends and he was so upset about it he had to go home. He messaged me while he was home and told me how he felt bad about it and told me he was going to apologize to him which he did the same night. He also doesn't like accepting help from others, he has lived in his car before rather than burdening others. He doesn't have a lisence and will take a cab before asking people for rides.

[lostlove76]

I thought he could be narcissistic too but when I look at the traits he doesn't fit that many of them. He is an empath and very sensitive so he's always picking up on other people's feelings and he gets super affected by emotions, one day he got into an argument with one of our coworkers who is one of his best friends and he was so upset about it he had to go home. He messaged me while he was home and told me how he felt bad about it and told me he was going to apologize to him which he did the same night. He also doesn't like accepting help from others, he has lived in his car before rather than burdening others. He doesn't have a lisence and will take a cab before asking people for rides.

 

Mine is the exact same way! I've researched narcissism up and down, because he acts that way in relationships. But he has deep empathy for others. Eerily enough, mine also told me one night how he had snapped at a coworker earlier that day and he felt really bad about it, was almost going to call her at home to apologize after she left. I used that very example in my own thread when trying to show how he is such a good person and surely can't be narcissistic. Mine also told me he doesn't like to accept help from others. I don't really have a point here, but I had to comment because you're saying the exact same things I said about mine. Weird huh? Mine admits to being narcissistic, and he totally is, in relationships. Yet he has all these sensitive feelings for other people. I don't know enough about your guy to know whether he is or isn't, but it's something to watch for in how he treats YOU (as opposed to random people, coworkers, and anyone other than you).

[Rockchick26]

Mine is the exact same way! I've researched narcissism up and down, because he acts that way in relationships. But he has deep empathy for others. Eerily enough, mine also told me one night how he had snapped at a coworker earlier that day and he felt really bad about it, was almost going to call her at home to apologize after she left. I used that very example in my own thread when trying to show how he is such a good person and surely can't be narcissistic. Mine also told me he doesn't like to accept help from others. I don't really have a point here, but I had to comment because you're saying the exact same things I said about mine. Weird huh? Mine admits to being narcissistic, and he totally is, in relationships. Yet he has all these sensitive feelings for other people. I don't know enough about your guy to know whether he is or isn't, but it's something to watch for in how he treats YOU (as opposed to random people, coworkers, and anyone other than you).

 

Wow, our situations are eerily similar! Well whatever label there is to describe these guys, it doesn't change how crappy they make us feel, so it doesn't matter. I am sitting here debating if I should head to my hometown to visit my friends or stick around and wait for my boyfriend to get back to me. I sent him a message on FB saying I'm waiting to hear from him since he told me he'd be around after 2 or 3 pm, and it's now 6. He hasn't read my message yet so it's possible he went back to bed after seeing his daughter (if indeed he did, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't work out). I wish he would read it so at least I know he saw it and I can leave town without feeling bad, but I don't want to leave town and then get a call from him ready to hang out. Last weekend I left town to see my friends and he ended up calling me while I was busy so I couldn't see him but we talked for like 20 minutes and that was when he told me not to worry, he just had personal issues to work out. As for how he treats me as opposed to random people, I haven't noticed anything negative, he always treats me good, one time we were at his friends house and I got bored and didn't wanna stay and he was ok with leaving with me just to make me happy. So that got him major brownie points that he would choose me over his friends.

[lostlove76]

Mine always treated me super well while we were together too. ALWAYS kind and thoughtful and loving and attentive and affectionate. The times he seemed to lack empathy were the times he was pulling away, and then it was the complete cold shoulder. I was never around mine during those times - he just didn't call, wouldn't answer the phone. So I don't know how he would have acted if I'd actually seen him while he was pulled away. But with yours, walking ahead of you and barely acknowledging you, that makes you feel just as bad if not worse than him not answering the phone or whatever. He may be good most of the time, but he's still giving you cold spells. I'm not trying to influence you to drop him. I can't rightly do that, because I stuck with mine for two years and I'm still not over him! Just pointing out similarities so that you can keep your eyes wide open. For the first month and a half with mine, he didn't give the cold shoulder much if at all. I ended things at that point (too much to get into here about why) so I don't know how long he would have continued being good until he started majorly pulling away. After that, we were on and off, and there were always major pullbacks. He didn't do what yours did - he didn't blame it on me or indicate he was afraid to lose me. He just went silent. Then he'd call when he was ready to be together again. Total hot and cold. He also wouldn't commit, which is one problem that you (thankfully!) don't have. But yours is still doing the hot cold thing, and even though you now understand where it's coming from, it's going to hurt when he keeps doing it, and it's going to make you doubt yourself. I speak from experience.

[Batya33]

Wow, our situations are eerily similar! Well whatever label there is to describe these guys, it doesn't change how crappy they make us feel, so it doesn't matter. I am sitting here debating if I should head to my hometown to visit my friends or stick around and wait for my boyfriend to get back to me. I sent him a message on FB saying I'm waiting to hear from him since he told me he'd be around after 2 or 3 pm, and it's now 6. He hasn't read my message yet so it's possible he went back to bed after seeing his daughter (if indeed he did, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't work out). I wish he would read it so at least I know he saw it and I can leave town without feeling bad, but I don't want to leave town and then get a call from him ready to hang out. Last weekend I left town to see my friends and he ended up calling me while I was busy so I couldn't see him but we talked for like 20 minutes and that was when he told me not to worry, he just had personal issues to work out. As for how he treats me as opposed to random people, I haven't noticed anything negative, he always treats me good, one time we were at his friends house and I got bored and didn't wanna stay and he was ok with leaving with me just to make me happy. So that got him major brownie points that he would choose me over his friends.

 

Oh goodness. I hope you realize your worth and raise your standards of how you should be treated in a healthy relationship. It's challenging to be with someone who is a fixer upper, that's for sure -he keeps you on your toes and you benefit from that - but can you imagine, for example, being in labor and he decides to pull one of his "indifferent" little games to see how much you care about him as opposed to your soon to be born child? No, not exxagerrating.

[Rockchick26]

Mine always treated me super well while we were together too. ALWAYS kind and thoughtful and loving and attentive and affectionate. The times he seemed to lack empathy were the times he was pulling away, and then it was the complete cold shoulder. I was never around mine during those times - he just didn't call, wouldn't answer the phone. So I don't know how he would have acted if I'd actually seen him while he was pulled away. But with yours, walking ahead of you and barely acknowledging you, that makes you feel just as bad if not worse than him not answering the phone or whatever. He may be good most of the time, but he's still giving you cold spells. I'm not trying to influence you to drop him. I can't rightly do that, because I stuck with mine for two years and I'm still not over him! Just pointing out similarities so that you can keep your eyes wide open. For the first month and a half with mine, he didn't give the cold shoulder much if at all. I ended things at that point (too much to get into here about why) so I don't know how long he would have continued being good until he started majorly pulling away. After that, we were on and off, and there were always major pullbacks. He didn't do what yours did - he didn't blame it on me or indicate he was afraid to lose me. He just went silent. Then he'd call when he was ready to be together again. Total hot and cold. He also wouldn't commit, which is one problem that you (thankfully!) don't have. But yours is still doing the hot cold thing, and even though you now understand where it's coming from, it's going to hurt when he keeps doing it, and it's going to make you doubt yourself. I speak from experience.

 

Yep, exactly right about how empathic and affectionate and sweet and stuff he can be when things are good, but when he is pulling away, it's obvious and it's harsh and he's gotta know it hurts me. I am going to tell him. I am so close to sending him a breakup message right now, he never did call me today which is kinda wierd cuz he's never gone an entire day without some communication. I was hoping to break it off right before he goes away next weekend to give him a few days where he can't possibly see me, and to give me the same, so I can grieve. But I don't know if I can last another week, lol Him entirely avoiding me today (when he knew it was the only day we can see each other outside of work before he leaves), that just angered me. I don't even really feel sad about this right now, I feel more anger that he thinks he can get away with treating me like this. It's ok for a day or two or here and there but this is getting too big to ignore, I can't work with him for 4 days without either breaking up with him or having a talk of some kind, but we can't really have serious talks during work. I need to work on what I have to say to him in case it happens suddenly and I need to be prepared with things I need to say while I get the chance.

[Rockchick26]

Oh goodness. I hope you realize your worth and raise your standards of how you should be treated in a healthy relationship. It's challenging to be with someone who is a fixer upper, that's for sure -he keeps you on your toes and you benefit from that - but can you imagine, for example, being in labor and he decides to pull one of his "indifferent" little games to see how much you care about him as opposed to your soon to be born child? No, not exxagerrating.

 

Oh God I will never have a baby with this man, he IS a baby, lol I couldn't imagine having 2 to take care of, lol (or at least mentally and emotionally drain myself for). Yeah I do realize my worth and I can feel myself getting to a point of no return, like I don't even want him to beg me to keep him. I just feel so much anger after he ignored me today.

[catfeeder]

Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

 

The 'name' would be 'ridiculous,' and same could be said of staying involved with it.

 

He may be trying to downplay your relationship at work, which is smart on one hand--it's not a brilliant idea to date anyone on the job--but on the other hand, he's rude.

 

I'd leave him to that. I'd be kind and professional on the job if our paths cross, but if he initiates contact outside of work, I'd just tell him that the hot and cold routine has left me cold, but it won't prevent me from working well with him if we need to at work.

 

That's about as relevant as I'd consider the guy going forward.

[Realitynut]

the first 4 months he was totally different, he WAS on his best behavior. waited 3 months for me to be ready to have sex .

 

I'm surprised no one noticed this! Like LostLove, Like me....Like many on this board, we've been with men that were emotionally unavailable, couldn't make commitments, had personality disorders, etc. etc. We all think if we just 'loved them more'....it would fix them, and they'd love as back....LIKE THEY DID AT THE BEGINNING!!!

 

It ain't gonna happen.

 

Have you realized that the first 3 months you didn't have sex....then in the last month (the 4) he started pulling away 2 weeks ago.

 

Do you realize that THAT is just 2 weeks after you had sex??? Sort of a time frame when SOME commitment phobes do the old pulling away trick.

 

My guy was wonderful for 10 MONTHS. Count 'em...10 MONTHS. No sex. He was chasing me. The day we had sex, he jumped up all weird like...and said, don't call or text me tomorrow.

 

I've hung on for over 2 more years. He pushes me away....then if I start seeing someone else...or even ACT like I might be interested in someone else, he comes running back with declarations of love. Hey...and he's in his late 50's and I'm 61...wouldn't ya think we'd have our sh*t together by now?

 

He WON'T get his crap together unless he WANTS to...and that mean counseling and LOTS of it.

 

You need help too....because he is playing BIG mind-games with you...and you are allowing it.

I have had a LOT of horrible relationships in my life...but never a guy who did this HOT/COLD thing like this. Drove me CRAZY....and he even has said...'you're nuts'....

 

So trust me when I say...it only gets worse.

 

My mom said at one time...she thought this guy 'was the one'....that is how wonderful he was to me...and how he pursued me...and how he made me LAUGH all the time.

 

You know what he does now? Makes me cry.

 

End it sooner than later. Sure, he says everyone leaves him sooner or later and has fear of abandonment (Borderline). Got it. I have strong Borderline tendencies...but I OWN up to them, after a disastrous relationship, and am working HARD to change myself. But unless he see's his flaws, as flaws...he will always put the blame on YOU!

 

Things to read up on:

Borderline Personality disorder (fear of abandonment, rejection, mood swings and more)

Emotionally Unavailable (good read...The Unavailable Man and the fallback girl....Author of BaggageReclaim. )

Commitmentphobic men (or women...but is usually associated with men)

 

My latest find....Intermittent Reinforcement.

 

Funny, just a few days ago I was listening to the radio...and they started talking about that. They just didn't call it Intermittent Reinforcement. But I recognized it as the article I read...and have posted on here many times.

 

It's a wakeup call...you need to be woke up too!

 

 

[karen6786]

Very easy answer...he is a player. Trust me on this...and dump his ass. It will only get worse.

[Rockchick26]

Well I just got done writing a breakup letter. Today he messaged me saying he could hang out tonight, but I was so pissed from him ignoring me yesterday that I wasn't even going to answer him. But then he called and seemed in a good mood, laughing a bit, and he told me to call him later when I am done with my plans but I told him it would be late since he told me he had plans tonight so that's why I kept yesterday open for him. Anyway it was only 9pm when he texts me saying he was going to bed. Earlier he told me he didn't have to get up early, he could stay up late, well now he was suddenly ready for bed at 9 (normally he goes around 3 am). I said I was bummed and he said "well sorry". So I am doing it, I can't take this treatment anymore. If he really wanted to see me, he would have kept himself awake. So I just wrote the letter and tomorrow I'm going to ask him if I can give him a ride home from work so I can get my portable washing machine back that I let him borrow 3 months ago. If he refuses to let me come over, I'll just hand him the letter right there.

 

I am nervous this will backfire on me and he'll say something like "Good, I am glad you ended it", because that will make work much harder knowing he was ok with it, and knowing him he'll be able to talk to me like nothing happened, where I can't even look at a guy I have feelings for without getting upset. I have to hope this letter makes him realize his behavior is going to drive a good woman away, the others stayed with him for a year or two because they were always messed up on drugs together and they were just as dysfunctional, so they were alike. I think he is freaking out because I'm different and he feels like he doesn't deserve me (he has said this before actually).

[Rockchick26]

I'm surprised no one noticed this! Like LostLove, Like me....Like many on this board, we've been with men that were emotionally unavailable, couldn't make commitments, had personality disorders, etc. etc. We all think if we just 'loved them more'....it would fix them, and they'd love as back....LIKE THEY DID AT THE BEGINNING!!!

 

It ain't gonna happen.

 

Have you realized that the first 3 months you didn't have sex....then in the last month (the 4) he started pulling away 2 weeks ago.

 

Do you realize that THAT is just 2 weeks after you had sex??? Sort of a time frame when SOME commitment phobes do the old pulling away trick.

 

My guy was wonderful for 10 MONTHS. Count 'em...10 MONTHS. No sex. He was chasing me. The day we had sex, he jumped up all weird like...and said, don't call or text me tomorrow.

 

I've hung on for over 2 more years. He pushes me away....then if I start seeing someone else...or even ACT like I might be interested in someone else, he comes running back with declarations of love. Hey...and he's in his late 50's and I'm 61...wouldn't ya think we'd have our sh*t together by now?

 

He WON'T get his crap together unless he WANTS to...and that mean counseling and LOTS of it.

 

You need help too....because he is playing BIG mind-games with you...and you are allowing it.

I have had a LOT of horrible relationships in my life...but never a guy who did this HOT/COLD thing like this. Drove me CRAZY....and he even has said...'you're nuts'....

 

So trust me when I say...it only gets worse.

 

My mom said at one time...she thought this guy 'was the one'....that is how wonderful he was to me...and how he pursued me...and how he made me LAUGH all the time.

 

You know what he does now? Makes me cry.

 

End it sooner than later. Sure, he says everyone leaves him sooner or later and has fear of abandonment (Borderline). Got it. I have strong Borderline tendencies...but I OWN up to them, after a disastrous relationship, and am working HARD to change myself. But unless he see's his flaws, as flaws...he will always put the blame on YOU!

 

Things to read up on:

Borderline Personality disorder (fear of abandonment, rejection, mood swings and more)

Emotionally Unavailable (good read...The Unavailable Man and the fallback girl....Author of BaggageReclaim. )

Commitmentphobic men (or women...but is usually associated with men)

 

My latest find....Intermittent Reinforcement.

 

Funny, just a few days ago I was listening to the radio...and they started talking about that. They just didn't call it Intermittent Reinforcement. But I recognized it as the article I read...and have posted on here many times.

 

It's a wakeup call...you need to be woke up too!

 

 

 

Thanks for that reply and the link, i'll check it out. I have that fallback girl book, I'm pretty sure I read the whole thing. But I thought this guy was different, he doesn't act like the emotionally unavailable guys I've dated before. This guy told me before we even dated that he wanted to get married and none of his ex girlfriends were into monogamy (the last 2 cheated on him and he left them and wouldn't take them back even though they begged him, one is still trying to get him back and they broke up last fall!). I guess it could all be an act, but why would a guy go to such great lengths and pretend he is something he isn't? It's all just to get sex? He said he doesn't like casual sex and has turned it down many times, he's only had 6 partners, all ex girlfriends. Well, so he says anyway...but I believe that one because he has a horrible memory and he tells me that number every time he talks about it like it's his first time telling me, I always have to remind him "Yeah you told me already", lol He even forgot what my number was, usually guys imprint that on their brain for life but he forgot and thought it was higher than what I told him. Anyway, I'm rambling, but basically he just hasn't acted like your typical emotionally unavailable guy. He tells me he is a very emotional person and I've seen him get really upset over things most people wouldn't have that much of a reaction to.

[Rockchick26]

...just a word on emotionally unavailable guys that go hot & cold... one of my friends was dating this guy who was so hot and cold with her that they broke up like 10 times over the course of like 7 months. He would go long periods ignoring her calls and not getting back to her til another day. He had plans to move to her city and changed his mind at the last minute and called everything off again. But a few weeks later he really did move there and they just bought a house together and now they are super happy, constantly telling each other on FB how much they love each other. So, not all men who go hot & cold are doing it because they are emotionally unavailable and losing interest. My friend told me her guy was just afraid of getting hurt because he wanted to settle down and didn't want to go through another divorce, he wanted the real thing this time. Funny, that's what my boyfriend told me too, he is ready for the final relationship so he doesn't have to deal with breakups anymore.

 

I just read that article, I will remember that if he does come crawling back and I take him back, that if it starts up again, I will know to leave him for good. I will never be able to stop wondering what would have happened if I didn't try a 2nd time though, I mean I am the kind of person who gives people second chances, but after that, if it becomes a pattern, I will know to get out. I like how that article also said though, that it doesn't always become a pattern, sometimes it is just one time and that's enough to jar things into place, lol

[lostlove76]

Hi!! Just got caught up on your thread. That's an interesting story about your friend. That's what makes this super hard! We don't know if our guys will be like your friend's guy, and he'll get through the freakouts but then commit, or if it's going to be an ongoing never-ending hot/cold cycle. Mine turned into a 2-year hot/cold cycle and it's finally come to an end because I can't take it anymore. I gave him a hundred chances. Off and on and off and on. Did your friend's guy just decide on his own to move to be with her? Did she do anything in particular to push him into deciding? With your guy, I see about a 50/50 chance at this point. It's pretty early in the game, at just 4 months. My instinct is that your best bet is to walk away and see if he comes after you, and make it a little bit hard for him to get you back. But then if he fails his second chance, cut it off for good or else you're just setting yourself up for more and worse hurt down the line. He sounds depressed and extremely moody, and I don't know that that could change without therapy of some sort. As opposed to a guy who has a fear of commitment, but then decides he does want it, like in your friend's case. So hard to know what to do. I feel for you!!