Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

[Hollyj]

I don't think mentioning marriage early is off, if you have marriage as a goal and the other person doesn't you wouldn't really know unless you mention it. I guess it's because of the situation him mentioning marriage is REALLY OFF

 

I agree, but he said he wanted to marry her.

 

I too, am marriage-minded, but if someone told me that they wanted marriage in a few months, I would see it as a big red flag!

[Rockchick26]

I agree, but he said he wanted to marry her.

 

I too, am marriage-minded, but if someone told me that they wanted marriage in a few months, I would see it as a big red flag!

 

I am off to work so i'll have to reply to the rest of these later but since this is a common answer, i'll clear this up...last night i brought this up to him and he did say he doesnt want to marry me right now, he's saying he wants to be married sometime in the future, and not necessarily to me, he just meant someday, and he wants any girl he dates to be open to that possibility, and he doesn't think I am.

[Wiseman2]

He's stringing you along.

he wants to be married sometime in the future, and not necessarily to me

[Hollyj]

Glad to hear it!

 

The other behaviour is bizarre. The guy is manipulative and passive aggressive: crazy maker .

 

Do yourself a favour . Lose this nut!

[catfeeder]

I said "well I guess we can't go anywhere now", and he said "I guess I just can't make you happy."

 

He's right, he cannot make you happy. Or, at least, he won't--because he's a douchebag.

 

Why are you wasting your time and energy on this guy? He's getting a cheap thrill out of jerking you around and watching you take it.

 

I'd skip the 'talks,' they amount to nothing but a wheelspin for you and even less for him. I'd just be professional to him in the workplace and otherwise develop a convenient case of amnesia about him.

 

I repeat: he's a douche. Head high, and walk ON.

[Rockchick26]

Well, we are broken up officially now. He needed to get picked up at a friends house so I reluctantly got him, I did it so that we could finish our talk from last night that he left up in the air. So the tension was high, neither of us were barely talking, then he asked if I was still gonna drive him down to this festival he's going to on Thursday, I realized just then that I couldn't because I found out today I have to work overtime that night. He got upset because I told him i'd bring him there and then I forgot and didnt tell him I had to work overtime. So as he was going off about me "not caring" about him "as usual", he just goes "I'm done." I said "with what?" he said "This relationship." I said "ok!" He ran in to the store where we were, and when he came back we talked some more and I tried to tell him I honestly didnt put 2 and 2 together that Thursday was the night he needed a ride and that I had to work, I thought previously he told me he would only need a ride if he didn't find anyone so I didn't know for sure. Anyway then when I dropped him off, I asked him to give me my portable washing machine that I let him use a few months ago, and he said I was being petty like in high school. He said aren't we going to talk anymore after tonight? I said "not outside of work and probably not at work either since you're dumping me and I have feelings for you and it hurts to look at someone you can't have." He went inside to get it but then he called saying to just leave, he'll bring it to work or something. Then he stayed on the phone and we talked until after I got home, but he got pretty quiet towards the end and I said he is more open when he talks on messenger, we can do that if he wants. I thought he said yeah but he said he was tired and he never got online.

 

I am not even crying although that could be because last night I bawled my head off for 2 hours mentally preparing myself ahead of time...so maybe i'm all cried out, maybe i'm just in shock, maybe I feel like he's going to change his mind and wanna talk some more, I dont know. He broke it off not because i didnt give him any space though, in fact he said he wanted me to call him every day still and I never did...apparently he doesn't count texts and FB messages as the same thing cuz I was sending him those multiple times a day. But no the breakup was because he thought I didn't care enough about him and am leaving him without a ride to this festival on Thursday. Ugh I just feel so conflicted, I feel like I hurt him without even trying and now he hurt me on purpose which isn't fair cuz I DO care about him, we just have different ways of showing it, I guess. Ugh.

[Hollyj]

Why are you this guy's taxi service????

 

You cannot win with people like this! The guy is a manipulative a$$hole! You didn't hurt him. He wanted out when he started up this behaviour. In time, you will see this, and learn to spot losers.

 

What in world do you have to talk about. Be done with this, as he has jerked you around long enough.

 

I would seriously address why you keep in ending up with these creeps. Why is your self esteem so low? Have you done any therapy ?

[Rockchick26]

Why are you this guy's taxi service????

 

He lost his liscence because in this state, if you lose your job and can't pay child support, they take away your liscence. I know it sounds like that can't possibly be how it works, but I know other people it happened to, too. He has a lot of people that drive him around but he does pay for a taxi when he can afford one. I guess he thought since i'm his girlfriend i'm the one he thinks of first? (well, WAS his gf)

 

In time, you will see this, and learn to spot losers.

 

lol No that isn't how it works. I'm 43, I have dated plenty of losers, with them it was obvious from the get go. This guy managed to put on a good act for 4 months I guess.

 

What in world do you have to talk about. Be done with this, as he has jerked you around long enough.

 

2 weeks isn't that long...I thought I was being a good girlfriend by giving him time to work on his issues (which he said he still needs to work on, so at least he's admitting he isn't perfect).

 

I would seriously address why you keep in ending up with these creeps. Why is your self esteem so low? Have you done any therapy ?

 

My other boyfriend wasn't a creep, I just left him because I just didn't feel in love with him, I just didn't feel like we were meant to be together. He was a great boyfriend, I just wasn't feeling that spark I guess. My self esteem isn't low. I only did therapy once but it was aimed at people who needed assistance from the state to get a job, I was living with my mom for too long and got depressed because of it and couldnt find a job I could do due to my sleep disorder, that's why I want to stay at this job because I know how hard it is for me to find jobs that work for me and that I can do (I dont have any college degrees or anything).

[Jibralta]

I'm 43, I have dated plenty of losers, with them it was obvious from the get go. This guy managed to put on a good act for 4 months I guess.

 

WOW. Honestly, I thought you were WAY younger and just didn't know any better. I can't believe you are 43 and putting up with this sh*t. How old is the guy?

 

My self esteem isn't low.

 

You're not going to like hearing this, but yes it is. It's VERY low. I don't think you have any idea how low it is.

 

Do yourself a favor and forget about the portable washer.

[catfeeder]

I'm 43, I have dated plenty of losers, with them it was obvious from the get go. This guy managed to put on a good act for 4 months I guess.

 

No, he didn't put on a good act, you just refused to see what a jerk he's been.

 

There isn't one thing you've described about this guy that I would have tolerated at age 19, much less into my 40's. I hope you might consider counseling to help you work through whatever keeps you locked onto someone despite blatant mistreatment. Hopefully you'll learn how to screen bad matches out of your way so you can become more confident in selecting a suitable guy who will treat you well.

 

Head high, and walk forward.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, but that doesn't mean he's not a loser. you can do much better than this guy. he's using you as a taxi...and more.

at least he's admitting he isn't perfect

[East4]

I think this manipulative jerk will use the washing machine as an excuse to contact you whenever it suits him and whenever he needs to pull your strings with the intention to prevent you from moving on.

 

You should have insisted in him bringing the machine right there, right then, when you broke up!

 

Now, for the sake of your sanity, i'd forget about this item and never let him bait you with it.

 

Honestly, so much manipulation, headgames and gaslighting. This guy has to write guidance material for the special services on psychological torture.

 

If you want to move on, as quickly as possible, you have to totally block him on all comms. channels. And look for a new job. He's going to wreck your nerves at work, this is simply inevitable.

 

Good luck.

[jujusamples]

I totally hear ya girl! How frustrating! This guy obviously can't get his mind straight. Playing these dumb games with you. The longer you put up with it the more it's going to affect your mental health.

 

I once dated this guy and the same thing keeps happening. He says one thing but does another and then tell me I'm putting him on an emotional roller-coaster ride? OMG, I so get it, how they try to blame you after they are the one doing such stupid things.

 

Long story short finally I can't take it anymore and just left things as that. Told him, I'm okay with being just friends because I have fun hanging around you. It's okay, I get, it's just a fling. Then he went on and on about how this relationship meant a lot him etc. Then we sort of started hanging out again, but no talk about the relationship. Once again, I just can't deal with the unknown and etc. So I said I think we are better off as friends because this is not getting anywhere and feelings are just going to be hurt. This guy has not once talked to me about where this relationship is going or put a lot of effort into the relationship so i seriously took it as a fling and nothing more.

 

Then he sends me this long message on how it means a lot to him and blah blah blah it's not a fling and so on. He's just unsure of himself and where his life is going so that's why he can't have a serious relationship. I was like , what is going on with this guy head. I already made it clear, it's okay, I get it, it's just a fling and it was fun while it lasted. (this went on for 2 years) Honestly after that confusing message after things ended, I just left it as that and never spoken to him again. That was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It felt so good afterwards. I finally got myself out of this confusing ordeal. Once I got over the situation it was clear all he wanted was for me to keep chasing him and to play these dumb mind games to make it look like I'm the bad person. I personally some people get gratification to be chased down. It's like they have some sort of insecurities issues and needs to be validated.

 

I say to talk to your boyfriend about this and if he keeps brushing you off and playing this stupid mind games. I think you should just take some time away from him to think think through. Trust me, I completely lost any sanity I had from that one messed up so called relationship. I literally turned into someone I was not and just lost it emotionally and mentally. It is really draining to be put through that. So for your sanity sake, talk to him and if it doesn't work, take some time to yourself to think it through. All the best to you and I hope your boyfriend stops this type of behavior.

[jujusamples]

@East4, you have just nailed this! Great advice, I wished I found about this forum when I was going through my whole ordeal with this jerk! It is indeed psychological torture. But once they hook you, you don't even know that it's manipulation. I would never wish this upon anyone not even my worst enemy. Sometimes I actually would rather someone punch me in the face than to go through all those head games. I seek some serious counselling after my ordeal because i seriously got to the point where I thought something is wrong with me.

[jujusamples]

So sorry, I didn't see this post before I wrote my last respond. OMG, run! This is your time to doge the bullet. The more you keep talking to this guy the more he's going to bait and reel you in! You did NoT do anything wrong. Things just didn't work out for you two. Who does he think he is to get mad because you can't give him a ride? He should know that is a privileged and not an entitlement!

 

Do you really want to have a relationship with someone who could only communicate online?

[sherryblossom]

It's funny you use those words because 2 weeks ago when he started acting wierd, he told me "I don't think you're into me as much as I'm into you", he has said this a few times over the course of our relationship and often said he knows I will end up leaving him when I realize he is a loser, etc. He said his biggest fear is rejection and he just knows I'm gonna reject him which is why he stays distant sometimes. I feel like he's making his biggest fear come true, and I've tried to make him realize HE is the one doing this, not me.

 

He is just manipulating u to make u feel guilty. He knows what he is doing will force u to leave him. But when he talks about all this nonsense about his fears, then you will obviously feel guilty and wont leave him. U might even be thinking that he is in pain and need your support to get over his fear. Trust me he doesnt.

[Rockchick26]

Wow...I knew it, this guy can't live without me. He broke up with me last night, then today by the time I got up, he had already unfriended me on Fb, left a message saying he never wants to talk to me again and he can't believe I am leaving him without a ride to the festival, sent a few more messages on FB about how I never want to be intimate and he doesnt want to live like his grandparents who never have sex, then he sent a friend request to be friends again, then he left a voicemail message saying he can't sleep and he needs to talk to me, then he texted me saying 'will you call me when you get this please?'. I was getting ready for work so I didnt call him, I just replied on FB basically saying lets take a time out and leave each other alone today to process what happened then we'll talk Thursday when I give him a ride to the festival (I am only doing it to get more time to get some answers out of him and also it's my reason for not working overtime which I don't wanna do). So he messages me again later in the day with a heart (instead of the thumbs up icon on FB chat we have a heart). I asked him if that was an accident, he didnt answer. After work he calls me and it was completely like the breakup never happened...he asked me why i've been acting so wierd the last 2 weeks! Hello!? We talked about this already like 5 times, he needs space and doesnt know if he wants a relationship right now! Then he said "but what do you want?" I said "I just want you to make a decision, I am fine no matter what happens." then he changed the subject and started talking about random stuff we always talk about on the phone. He was talking about something and used the words "...if we split up..." IF?! I said "I thought we already did that" but he didnt hear me or just ignored it. He even threw "sweetie" and "sweetheart" in a few sentences. When we hung up, he said "goodnight beautiful" like he used to. He has done every drug under the sun so apparently they ate away at the memory part of his brain, either that or he has some type of amnesia, Alzheimers, or multiple personalities!

 

I need to process all this or my head is going to explode.

[Rockchick26]

WOW. Honestly, I thought you were WAY younger and just didn't know any better. I can't believe you are 43 and putting up with this sh*t. How old is the guy?

 

He is 33. And I don't look, act or feel my age at all. Everyone thinks i'm in my 20's. I consider it a compliment. As for putting up with mens sh*t , this guy is (was?) my boyfriend so I'm not walking away as easily as I do when it's just someone I'm casually dating.

 

You're not going to like hearing this, but yes it is. It's VERY low. I don't think you have any idea how low it is.

 

How does it make me have low self esteem just because I am trying to work things out with my boyfriend? I am just a loyal person who rarely falls in love but when I do, I am in it 100%. That doesn't mean I'll put up with anything, or even this much longer, that is why I want to take him to that festival so I have 2 hours of uninterrupted time to get some answers and tell him I am not going to stay in this limbo anymore, either i'm in or i'm out.

[Rockchick26]

No, he didn't put on a good act, you just refused to see what a jerk he's been.

 

There isn't one thing you've described about this guy that I would have tolerated at age 19, much less into my 40's. I hope you might consider counseling to help you work through whatever keeps you locked onto someone despite blatant mistreatment. Hopefully you'll learn how to screen bad matches out of your way so you can become more confident in selecting a suitable guy who will treat you well.

 

Head high, and walk forward.

 

i can see what a jerk he's been the last 2 weeks, but for the first 4 months he wasn't like this. It's like he turned into a different person, with the exception of a few days in there where he did act normal again.

 

The first 4 months he did things like opened doors for me, held my hand so I wouldn't slip on the ice, played a stuffed animal machine until he won one for me, cooked dinner for me and brought it to me at work, sent me messages and gifs on FB saying I was beautiful, this was meant to be, the universe brought us together, etc. What girl wouldn't stay with a guy who did those things?

[Rockchick26]

Yes, but that doesn't mean he's not a loser. you can do much better than this guy. he's using you as a taxi...and more.

 

Sure he sounds like a loser on paper, but he has more friends than anyone I know, he loves his daughter so much he cries when his ex doesn't let him see her, he volunteers at festivals, he gives hugs to people when he finds out they are sad about something, he is just amazing in so many ways. As for the taxi thing, what else can he do, it's not like he lost it from a DUI or anything, and he's trying to get it back but he has to pay a lot of money but between rent and child support, he barely has anything left.

[Rockchick26]

I think this manipulative jerk will use the washing machine as an excuse to contact you whenever it suits him and whenever he needs to pull your strings with the intention to prevent you from moving on.

 

You should have insisted in him bringing the machine right there, right then, when you broke up!

 

Now, for the sake of your sanity, i'd forget about this item and never let him bait you with it.

 

Honestly, so much manipulation, headgames and gaslighting. This guy has to write guidance material for the special services on psychological torture.

 

If you want to move on, as quickly as possible, you have to totally block him on all comms. channels. And look for a new job. He's going to wreck your nerves at work, this is simply inevitable.

 

Good luck.

 

I did ask for the washer when we broke up, he said he'd bring it to work, I said i'm here right now, just go up and get it, he said fine then he said this is so petty like in high school, that i'm making a big deal of this washer. I sat outside for a minute then he called saying to just leave, he'll get it to me later. I am not going to bother with it, I will just spend the $50 for another one I guess! He does use it, he doesn't have a washer or dryer there, that's why I let him borrow it months ago.

 

I would quit my job but you don't understand how hard it was for me to find this one, I have a sleep disorder so 90% of the jobs out there I can't do because they wouldn't allow me to get enough sleep, and I can't afford to work at most places, I went through 3 jobs in this town before I got this one that finally pays what I need to just break even. I have never been to college and most of my experience is in factory work which is what this is. I am not going to let a guy ruin what took me so long to find.

[East4]

I need to process all this or my head is going to explode.

 

Dear Rockchick, his crazy making is taking its toll on you. I can see you cannot tell right from wrong anymore. Run, run away from this dangerous person, before you have to run to a psychiatrist. He takes sick pleasure in jerking you around, i can imagine how he's gloating when once again he succeeded to trample your boundaries. So now, you agreed to give him a lift to this festival? You are going back on your word, and gave him a clear sign that he can manipulate you as much as he wants. When he says "jump", you reply with "how high".

 

Please, extricate yourself from this person. He will never be with you in full, because he's uncapable to be with anybody. At the same time he doesn't want to leave you alone; because he needs validation for his insecurities, attention and favors. He has chosen you for his target, because you give in to his mind games and gaslighting. People like him need to make the woman as the bad person, so that in contrast he gets to feel like a good descent guy. He's sick. Really. You can't change him, only he can, with loads of therapy.

 

You are 43, come on, you should know better than yo-yo dynamics.

 

What I would do if I were you, I'd drive to his place the day of the festival and ask for the washing machine. If he says again "not now" then, you reply that he has to find another transport to the festival then. Make a 180 degrees turn and start walking to your car. Then leave him with the choice-either he gives the washing machine back, or else he walks on foot to the festival. People like him, understand only the language of coercion. Of course he's going to throw a tantrum, but you have to ignore it.

[Rockchick26]

Long story short finally I can't take it anymore and just left things as that. Told him, I'm okay with being just friends because I have fun hanging around you. It's okay, I get, it's just a fling. Then he went on and on about how this relationship meant a lot him etc. Then we sort of started hanging out again, but no talk about the relationship. Once again, I just can't deal with the unknown and etc. So I said I think we are better off as friends because this is not getting anywhere and feelings are just going to be hurt. This guy has not once talked to me about where this relationship is going or put a lot of effort into the relationship so i seriously took it as a fling and nothing more.

 

Not even once? I wouldn't be with my boyfriend if he wouldn't even talk about it, in fact it has always been him that's initiated talks about it. I can't count how many times he asked me where I wanted this relationship to go, what he thinks our next step should be, etc. He even still asks me that now, tonight in fact.

 

I personally some people get gratification to be chased down. It's like they have some sort of insecurities issues and needs to be validated.

 

He admitted he does have insecurities, and boy do they show, lol He said his last 2 exes cheated on him so thats what he fears the most (and rejection) and he asked me why I thought they would cheat on him, this was early on so I didnt know what to tell him. I still dont, because I dont have the mind of a cheater so I dont know why they didnt just break up with him. The last one is still trying to get him back and got upset when he told her he was with someone else now.

 

I say to talk to your boyfriend about this and if he keeps brushing you off and playing this stupid mind games. I think you should just take some time away from him to think think through.

 

Well that's kinda impossible when we work together. I know, dating guys at work is not a good idea, but I never meet them anywhere else. I have tried dating sites and they're just full of superficial guys looking for sex. I'm demisexual so that makes it harder to find men too, either they want sex sooner than I do or they aren't willing to wait, that's why I am with this guy because he knew this from the start and stayed with me the whole time. Anyway, like I said, I never meet guys anywhere else, all my friends are married or live in other states, except one, my best friend, but he's gay and lives with a long term partner so when we hang out it's just us 3. I go out a lot by myself or with my gay friend and his boyfriend but never get anyone asking me out. I'm pretty attractive I guess, I mean i've seen worse and i've seen better, but guys just rarely ask me out. They usually just want to have sex with me, and I don't do the casual sex thing. Being a demisexual I need to have feelings for someone and know they have feelings for me first.

[Rockchick26]

So sorry, I didn't see this post before I wrote my last respond. OMG, run! This is your time to doge the bullet. The more you keep talking to this guy the more he's going to bait and reel you in! You did NoT do anything wrong. Things just didn't work out for you two. Who does he think he is to get mad because you can't give him a ride? He should know that is a privileged and not an entitlement!

 

No it wasn't like that, I told him I would give him a ride if he couldn't find anyone else, but I forgot I said that, and when I found out I had to work overtime that night, I forgot to tell him. So from his end, it looks like I was just flaking out and not even going to tell him. It's already tomorrow and he just found out last night that I was supposed to work because he asked 'so you're still able to give me a ride, right?' and that's when I realized it was the same night. But we switch with people a lot if they want to do it for us if we can't or something, so he knew I could easily do that but instead I just said "oh , no, I guess i can't, I gotta work late that night". and here he was counting on me to do it, that's why he got mad.

 

Do you really want to have a relationship with someone who could only communicate online?

 

I'm not sure where you got that from, he actually hates communicating online. In fact tonight actually we were on the phone and he fell asleep so I texted him saying how confused I was cuz he was acting tonight like the breakup never happened. He texts me back after he woke up saying why do I text him, things can be taken the wrong way and misunderstood because there is no way to convey emotion, etc. so I called him and we finished talking. He said at work the other day I never call him, I always send messages and he hates talking that way. If you are referring to what he did this morning with all the messages, he also tried calling me and told me to call him back. I was sleeping thats why he had to resort to messages.

[East4]

Rockchick all your posts of today starting as from #93 are nothing but excuses, denial and rationalisations of his poor behavior towards you. He has trained you so well to take the blame. So, he's now actually stealing your washing machine, and you're justifyiing even that? I seriously worry about you.

 

The first month with abusers are always magnificent. They need you to take the bait, before they start pulling the gaslighting and mind games on you. They know you will always remember the good times and thus keep you locked in an abusive relationship. None of the battered/insulted women who landed in hospital in result of spousal abuse, were called b*tch , or slapped at a first date. It all starts once the woman is all in the relationship.

 

While your psychologically abusive ex is not breaking your bones, he is breaking your self-esteem and mental sanity. Psychological/emotional abuse is a form of abuse. And the wounds of the soul are much harder to heal than the wounds of the body. Please read the book of the leading abuse expert Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men".