Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

[Rockchick26]

I'm done with defending myself, my actions speak for themselves, me and this guy are done...he keeps saying he never broke up with me but i'm holding him to it, you dont act like this if you want to stay with someone. I got my stuff from his apt and we're no longer friends on FB, we don't even talk at work anymore. It's completely done.

[Batya33]

Not exclusively, out of all the guys I dated only 2 were emotionally unavailable. Now i'm not even sure this guy is because he's claiming he didn't really break up with me, I shouldn't listen to anything he says when he's angry and emotional, and he is hurt and offended. I got my stuff from his apt tonight and he found out I'm going to the festival without him and I think that's why all this happened, he can't take it.

 

 

 

Well most women look down on men like him, where I feel empathy towards them.

 

It's wonderful to feel empathy for another human being and to want to help that person. Sometimes (often?) it's a much better choice to help that person as a friend (by, let's say referring him to resources that might help, whether financial/psychological/social, etc) rather than getting romantically involved with that person.

 

Please avoid generalizing about "most women" looking down on people who are in hard times. When I volunteered at a homeless shelter for 7 years most of my co-volunteers were women (definitely a nice amount of men too, just saying) and almost all of my women friends have done volunteer work to help people who have a disability, or are financially hurting ,etc. Do they all feel "empathy?" - not sure if all -haven't asked that particular question - but no, they do not look down on those people, that I can tell you.

[Hollyj]

Not exclusively, out of all the guys I dated only 2 were emotionally unavailable. Now i'm not even sure this guy is because he's claiming he didn't really break up with me, I shouldn't listen to anything he says when he's angry and emotional, and he is hurt and offended. I got my stuff from his apt tonight and he found out I'm going to the festival without him and I think that's why all this happened, he can't take it.

 

 

 

Well most women look down on men like him, where I feel empathy towards them.

 

But, you said you were the 'perfect girlfriend," so why would you want a project? Look into codependency.

 

Rock. you are all over the place in your reasoning with being with this guy.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Get your stuff, stop giving him any goods or cash or favors. He will find another woman/ other people to sponge off of.... he's well practiced with that. Stay away...you can still find edgy guys who aren't drug addicted train wrecks.

he keeps saying he never broke up with me but i'm holding him to it, you dont act like this if you want to stay with someone. I got my stuff from his apt and we're no longer friends on FB, we don't even talk at work anymore. It's completely done.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, my ex tried to hold onto me after he broke up with me too.

 

He asked to spend the day with me three days after he dumped me! Like, what???

 

He never had any money because he (obviously) spent his on drugs and was broke by Sunday after getting paid on Friday. So he liked that I always had cash (not much because I was a single mother of two kids, but I was responsible with my money). I started refusing to cover him for things like food and gas for the truck he was using (that belonged to his father, whom he also mooched off of). I'd go buy myself something to eat while he wasn't home because I'd be darned if I would pay for food for a grown-ass man! One time he asked to borrow my gas card to put some gas in the truck. He ended up filling up both tanks completely and it cost almost $200! And he refused to pay me back because he said he didn't have the money. So I missed payments on that card and the company cancelled the card and sent me to collections.

 

Anyway...my point is, his lifestyle was imprinted in him and he wasn't going to change, because it worked for him. He was always able to get people to do things for him (hello, people giving your guy rides???) And he wasn't very concerned how what he did affected me. That's just what they do.

[Rockchick26]

It

Please avoid generalizing about "most women" looking down on people who are in hard times. When I volunteered at a homeless shelter for 7 years most of my co-volunteers were women (definitely a nice amount of men too, just saying) and almost all of my women friends have done volunteer work to help people who have a disability, or are financially hurting ,etc. Do they all feel "empathy?" - not sure if all -haven't asked that particular question - but no, they do not look down on those people, that I can tell you.

 

But everyone in HERE looks down on him, you're all wondering why I dated him, stayed with him, defended him.

[Rockchick26]

But, you said you were the 'perfect girlfriend," so why would you want a project? Look into codependency.

 

 

I don't want a project, I want a boyfriend, and I liked him and felt like he needed someone like me in his life (which is also said). It isn't a project, it's a relationship! Well, WAS.

[Rockchick26]

Excellent. Get your stuff, stop giving him any goods or cash or favors. He will find another woman/ other people to sponge off of.... he's well practiced with that. Stay away...you can still find edgy guys who aren't drug addicted train wrecks.

 

I never gave him money, he would never accept help. As for the stuff, it was a garbage can that we used to haul our stuff to the festival, we both used it but I just kept it there because i assumed we'd be going to another festival together.

[Rockchick26]

Yeah, my ex tried to hold onto me after he broke up with me too.

 

He asked to spend the day with me three days after he dumped me! Like, what???

 

He never had any money because he (obviously) spent his on drugs and was broke by Sunday after getting paid on Friday. So he liked that I always had cash (not much because I was a single mother of two kids, but I was responsible with my money). I started refusing to cover him for things like food and gas for the truck he was using (that belonged to his father, whom he also mooched off of). I'd go buy myself something to eat while he wasn't home because I'd be darned if I would pay for food for a grown-ass man! One time he asked to borrow my gas card to put some gas in the truck. He ended up filling up both tanks completely and it cost almost $200! And he refused to pay me back because he said he didn't have the money. So I missed payments on that card and the company cancelled the card and sent me to collections.

 

Anyway...my point is, his lifestyle was imprinted in him and he wasn't going to change, because it worked for him. He was always able to get people to do things for him (hello, people giving your guy rides???) And he wasn't very concerned how what he did affected me. That's just what they do.

 

I would never let a man use me for my money, and this guy never did, in fact a few times he went without phone service because he wouldn't even let me buy him a prepaid phone card. He also skipped going to the movies with me and his friends because he didn't have $10 and didn't want to borrow it from anyone. Yeah he needs rides but it isn't his fault why he lost his license. ANYONE who has no license has to "mooch" rides off people, what other choice do they have? It isn't like this guy never gave me anything, he would cook for me and bring food to work for me. He always paid for me every time we went out on a date. He gave me a hat that is worth like $50 (a special festival hat).

[Capricorn3]

I haven't read any replies and am very late into this thread but just going by the original post all I can say this all seems to be way too much drama for only a 4 month "relationship" - hardly enough time to even know each other.

 

Sounds like he's playing mind games, is not really that into you, is showing you his true colours and plays games. All of this in only 4 months? Seriously, cut your losses already and move on as there hasn't been much time invested in this already weak "relationship". It won't improve.

 

(If you have already broken up, please ignore the above as I haven't ready any replies, only the original post).

[Batya33]

But everyone in HERE looks down on him, you're all wondering why I dated him, stayed with him, defended him.

 

I have not seen a shred of that here - I am surprised you are interpreting what is written like that. I do see a lot of people questioning why you would choose to be involved romantically with someone with all those issues. That's not looking down at him in the least -simply observing that it's often a bad idea to get romantically involved with someone who has that lifestyle/situation. As opposed to being a supportive friend who helps that individual locate resources to assist him (if that individual asks/is willing).

 

I think it's much easier to be with someone romantically who you believe "needs" your presence in his life to be a better person -that way you get to feel needed but on the other hand since you are in this more parental role you do not have to do the harder work of being an equal partner in a romantic relationship. And when that person stops "needing" you in that parental role, he will feel stronger and go on to find someone who he can be in a more balanced romantic relationship with -or be on his own. That "you need me to help you be a better person" is a short term thing most often and is most often unhealthy.

[ThatwasThen]

A mere 4 month relationship has resulted in 14 pages of disection Op I think you are reading the wrong books. Try reading all you can on codependecy.

[Hollyj]

But everyone in HERE looks down on him, you're all wondering why I dated him, stayed with him, defended him.

 

OP, we are going by the info YOU provided.

 

No one is looking down on this guy, but we are questioning your choices in men - especially since it has been so long since the last relationship.

 

He is not a good choice. He is not stable in any area of his life - he's a mess. That is why we suggest you seek therapy to understand your poor choices, and co dependency, but I know this is falling on deaf ears.

[mylolita]

Speechless!