Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

[Rockchick26]

AWWWW this all sounds very familiar to me, he's f**king with your head its going to end very badly if you don't walk away now. And when he said Your not as into him as he is to you thats another mind game, he is trying to keep you sweet and possibly blame it on you when he does finish it with you. Don't focus on the good words he might say and try focus on his actions right now, believe me i made that mistake

 

But his actions say he DOES want to be with me. Hugging me, kissing me, wanting to "make love" (those are always the words he uses for sex), calling me, messaging me.

[Rockchick26]

It is falling on deaf ears. She is looking for a condition to answer her questions, not the truth.

 

A condition would be the truth. There is a reason why he's acting the way he is.

[Rockchick26]

I will add that even in the best case scenario -if he is truly confused and subjecting her to his hot/cold behavior just more out of cluelessness/confusion than intention to act like a jerk, it doesn't change the result that he is not available for a healthy relationship right now and in order to become available he has to be motivated to figure things out for himself- without her input or help as she is too biased - and to contact her when he is ready, of course risking that she will be snapped up by another guy.

Now if she tells him affirmatively to stay away until he has clarity and he continues to behave like this then yes he is being a jerk but, jerk or clueless remains irrelevant IMO.

 

That is why I wanted to break things off so he had his space, but then he didn't want as much space as I was giving him. So clearly he is confused and doesn't know if he wants to break up or if he wants space.

[Batya33]

But his actions say he DOES want to be with me. Hugging me, kissing me, wanting to "make love" (those are always the words he uses for sex), calling me, messaging me.

 

Well, no, actions that are consistent with wanting to be in a committed relationship with you - acting reliably/consistently/taking space in a respectful way, etc.

 

When I referred to moving away from him I mean in a more permanent way - he knows you'll be back for more since past behavior is a great indication of future behavior (and that goes for his behavior towards you as well).

 

Consider that this interaction is far more comfortable for you because you know you don't have to risk making a decision about commitment and you can thrive on being kept on your toes and challenged (yes, even though it hurts some).

[Wiseman2]

Does it matter if it's in general or with you in particular if the net result of being in limbo is the same?

He has told me he is confused, unsure, needs to think, needs space, etc.

[freegirl420]

It's an ego thing. He wants to have you chasing after him to make him feel better about himself.

 

You're wise not to play into this, as the more you chase after him, the less interested he'll be. But you would be wiser to RUN AWAY from this guy as soon as possible.

[Rockchick26]

Does it matter if it's in general or with you in particular if the net result of being in limbo is the same?

 

Well like someone said, it would help my ego if it was in general but yeah it doesn't really matter, I don't care at this point though, I just want limbo over.

[Rockchick26]

Kind of an update...I no longer want to be with him regardless of if he wants to or not, I'm done....

 

He hasn't came in to work yesterday or today, and today I asked our coworker (his friend that always drives him around) what is going on with him, and he told me he didn't know, he hasn't answered his phone, he has no idea. Then I saw on FB he commented on a friends post that he was going to cry himself to sleep (he doesn't know me and his friend are friends, that's how I saw it). I immediately felt bad like he's been missing work crying over me or something. So I texted him asking if he was ok and our coworker said he wasn't answering his phone. The last time he was sick he told me later he wished I had cared enough to call and see how he was doing, but I was at work so I texted him. He writes back saying he doesn't know what is wrong with him but sorry for making us work so hard (there's only 3 of us and without 3 we can't get everything done). Then he sends more texts saying after he gets his apt key back from me, we can talk about why we shouldn't be in a relationship, then he said he doesn't think I really tried to get to know him (What!? ok) I said back 'ok i'll bring your key over tonight after work, i'm glad you finally want to talk about this." He writes back saying "I'm sick". i said "ok then you let me know when you want me to come over." He says "well lets see how about when I am not sick, lets try that." I said "I have tried that, I have tried talking on the phone, you just hang up or dodge the question, I have tried coming over after work and you won't allow it, I have tried the entire last 3 weeks but you either can't finish the conversation or you can't tell me what you want." Then he writes back "That is such bull sh*t, I have told you many times what I want but you don't listen or don't care" I said "no, I asked you a few times if you wanted to break up and you said no, then you did break up with me but then acted like we were back together, that's why I was so distant Thursday night (at the festival) because I knew it wasn't real." He says, "I am done with this stupid text argument, ttyl8r" then he sends another one "Grow up how old are you, its like you're still in high school, this is what teenagers do" (hmmm, only teenagers text? That's funny, me and him used to text every day for the first 4 months). So I said "I have tried the phone, I have tried outside of work, you tell me how you want to talk then." He says "I am sick, why don't you leave me alone, i've told you a million times I hate texting, you never call, why don't you call me tomorrow, we can talk then but until then just please leave me alone." So I said "sorry I gave a sh*t enough to ask if you were ok, i'm at work, I can't call." Then he says "I told you I was sick and didn't want to talk and you keep pushing me and pushing me and pushing me away, keep it up i'm going back to bed, goodnight."

 

I stopped and I'm done. The reason i texted was because I can't call from work and the last 2 times he was sick he said later that nobody cared enough to ask how he was, so I asked how he was and it turned into whatever the hell that was! Apparently all because I texted and didn't call. Anyway, tomorrow I'm just gonna throw the key down on the table in front of him and walk away. I don't even care to know what his reasons are that we shouldn't be in a relationship, I know he is a jerk (it won't let me type the word I WANT to use, lol) who put on a good act for 4 months and this last 3 weeks just erased everything good. I'm done.

[Batya33]

Don't throw the key. Place it, or have someone else place it, have a professional, pleasant look on your face and walk away calmly.

 

I think what happened is an inevitable part of dragging things out - that tends to escalate things/increase the drama. I'm glad you are done.

[Hollyj]

We all told you that this guy was crazy time!!! He is highly manipulative and passive aggressive.

 

I hope that you have seen the light, and are finally done with this nut!!!! Love does not conquer all, common sense, does.

[Ms Darcy]

I do hope that you are done indeed. He seems more than a little off.

[Wiseman2]

It was really deteriorating, so it was smart to pull the plug.

He says, "I am done with this stupid text argument, ttyl8r" then he sends another one "Grow up how old are you, its like you're still in high school, this is what teenagers do"

[Annia]

Wants to make sure you keep chasing him and when he finds out again that you're still hooked..then he is satisfied with that and puts no more effort into it....it's an ego thing, but not that he's into you as much as you might think. He doesn't want you to go anywhere, but will put minimal effort in and won't put the same effort back.

 

This!

 

How old is he? He seems very immature and unstable. Also, he's just not that into you and you don't seem happy to be in this kind of relationship. Is all this really worth it?

[boltnrun]

What I can guarantee is that you'll NEVER get it right.

 

These kind of people enjoy berating others. They enjoy finding fault and then giving you grief for getting it all wrong.

 

If you bring them flowers they'll ask why you don't love them enough to bring them jewelry. If they're sick, they'll ask why you didn't text. If you text, they'll complain that you didn't call. If they say they like chicken soup when they're sick and you bring them some, they'll ask why you didn't make it yourself. Or they'll complain it doesn't taste good, or that you brought them the wrong brand.

 

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IT WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG.

 

The only thing to do regarding these toxic people is to stay away.

 

No amount of "love" will change it, because they like finding fault. They don't WANT to change because they like what they do. And they will look at your love with scorn, because you will turn yourself into a doormat trying to please them and no one, particularly these type of people, will respect a doormat.

 

So, let him stay gone. Regain your sanity and realize that you don't need to subject yourself to this kind of selfish behavior.

[Annia]

Well I just got done writing a breakup letter. Today he messaged me saying he could hang out tonight, but I was so pissed from him ignoring me yesterday that I wasn't even going to answer him. But then he called and seemed in a good mood, laughing a bit, and he told me to call him later when I am done with my plans but I told him it would be late since he told me he had plans tonight so that's why I kept yesterday open for him. Anyway it was only 9pm when he texts me saying he was going to bed. Earlier he told me he didn't have to get up early, he could stay up late, well now he was suddenly ready for bed at 9 (normally he goes around 3 am). I said I was bummed and he said "well sorry". So I am doing it, I can't take this treatment anymore. If he really wanted to see me, he would have kept himself awake. So I just wrote the letter and tomorrow I'm going to ask him if I can give him a ride home from work so I can get my portable washing machine back that I let him borrow 3 months ago. If he refuses to let me come over, I'll just hand him the letter right there.

 

I am nervous this will backfire on me and he'll say something like "Good, I am glad you ended it", because that will make work much harder knowing he was ok with it, and knowing him he'll be able to talk to me like nothing happened, where I can't even look at a guy I have feelings for without getting upset. I have to hope this letter makes him realize his behavior is going to drive a good woman away, the others stayed with him for a year or two because they were always messed up on drugs together and they were just as dysfunctional, so they were alike. I think he is freaking out because I'm different and he feels like he doesn't deserve me (he has said this before actually).

 

Oh... so you don't really want to break up with him because it's better for you (and him). You just want to cause a reaction in him... you want him to react in a way that he shows he cares. You don't want him to take the break up calmly and move on with his life. You need reassurance of your worth to him (and probably people in general) and want him to show him that. You also play your mind games with him. From what you write, I think just like him you have deep rooted insecurity issues and are co-dependent. This might also steam from a string of bad relationships like you've described... it seem to have caused you to have low standards on men, therefore you accepted his behavior and were delighted with his attention and declarations of love/liking you and think this is best relationship you've had and that's a low standard. However this is not the best relationshio you COULD have. There's much better out there, but you need to work on yourself in order to get it and be ready for it.

 

Also, you talk about guys in the past being too independent and not needing you. That's a sign of co-dependent behavior and insecurity on your part. Relationships are not about being emotionally dependent on someone and needing them... it's about knowing that even though we don't need that person we still chose to be with that person because we love them for who they are, and not just for how they make us feel.

 

Maybe you also need therapy and get yourself together. Good luck.

[Annia]

Thanks for that reply and the link, i'll check it out. I have that fallback girl book, I'm pretty sure I read the whole thing. But I thought this guy was different, he doesn't act like the emotionally unavailable guys I've dated before. This guy told me before we even dated that he wanted to get married and none of his ex girlfriends were into monogamy (the last 2 cheated on him and he left them and wouldn't take them back even though they begged him, one is still trying to get him back and they broke up last fall!). I guess it could all be an act, but why would a guy go to such great lengths and pretend he is something he isn't? It's all just to get sex? He said he doesn't like casual sex and has turned it down many times, he's only had 6 partners, all ex girlfriends. Well, so he says anyway...but I believe that one because he has a horrible memory and he tells me that number every time he talks about it like it's his first time telling me, I always have to remind him "Yeah you told me already", lol He even forgot what my number was, usually guys imprint that on their brain for life but he forgot and thought it was higher than what I told him. Anyway, I'm rambling, but basically he just hasn't acted like your typical emotionally unavailable guy. He tells me he is a very emotional person and I've seen him get really upset over things most people wouldn't have that much of a reaction to.

 

Why do you think it's such an amazing and rare thing for a guy to tell you he values monogamy and wanting to get married in the future? Why is that so extraordinary for you and him saying that is a proof that he really loves you? And why do you keep bringing up is awful past as some sort of excuse? Why is it a guy telling you he values monogamy and marriage a proof that he's not emotionally unavailable?

[boltnrun]

A friend of mine is married to someone like this.

 

At first her partner complained that they didn't live together and that was causing problems. So they moved in together, yet the partner still complained because she was short her share of the rent and my friend didn't immediately leap in to cover her share. Then they got married (because she said that would prove my friend was truly committed), then she complained that my friend doesn't give her enough attention.

 

I told my friend before they got married that the partner wanted to find fault and always would, but my friend didn't want to believe me. A couple of months after the wedding my friend already was talking divorce. But they're still married, and my friend still spends all her time trying to get it right. My friend gave up all her friends and family and her partner STILL demands more. These people are emotional vampires.

 

(BTW, this is a same sex relationship in case there's any confusion. But the concept is the same).

[Rockchick26]

This!

 

How old is he? He seems very immature and unstable. Also, he's just not that into you and you don't seem happy to be in this kind of relationship. Is all this really worth it?

 

He's 33. He is very immature and unstable, as I'm finding out. He WAS into me for the first 4 months and I WAS happy then, but these last 3 weeks have been like a whole different relationship with a whole different person. He wasn't at work again tonight for the 3rd night in a row, he will be fired if he misses 2 more. I can't help but laugh, when he broke up with me last week, he said "You better not ruin this for me at work, I'm not quitting, I can handle it!" Oh yeah, who is the one mysteriously missing work? lol

[Rockchick26]

Oh... so you don't really want to break up with him because it's better for you (and him). You just want to cause a reaction in him... you want him to react in a way that he shows he cares. You don't want him to take the break up calmly and move on with his life.

 

I wrote this last week, things are different now. I no longer want to be with him.

 

You need reassurance of your worth to him (and probably people in general) and want him to show him that.

 

I have been single for 40 years (total), I know I don't need a man or anyone to prove my worth. In fact, the more men I date, the more I feel like there aren't enough men good enough to deserve me!

 

You also play your mind games with him. From what you write, I think just like him you have deep rooted insecurity issues and are co-dependent. This might also steam from a string of bad relationships like you've described... it seem to have caused you to have low standards on men, therefore you accepted his behavior and were delighted with his attention and declarations of love/liking you and think this is best relationship you've had and that's a low standard. However this is not the best relationshio you COULD have. There's much better out there, but you need to work on yourself in order to get it and be ready for it.

 

I know what a good man is like, that's what my first boyfriend was. Annoying and desperate as he was, he still treated me perfectly. He never cheated on me, never yelled at me, never insulted me, always bought me roses, etc. I also dated a few other men that treated me good but for one reason or another we just didn't stay together.

 

Also, you talk about guys in the past being too independent and not needing you. That's a sign of co-dependent behavior and insecurity on your part. Relationships are not about being emotionally dependent on someone and needing them... it's about knowing that even though we don't need that person we still chose to be with that person because we love them for who they are, and not just for how they make us feel.

 

I didn't mean they didn't need me in the relationship, I meant that they didn't need a relationship at all. These guys were ok with acting like my boyfriend yet they didn't want to date me or be in a relationship with me at all.

[Rockchick26]

Why do you think it's such an amazing and rare thing for a guy to tell you he values monogamy and wanting to get married in the future? Why is that so extraordinary for you and him saying that is a proof that he really loves you? And why do you keep bringing up is awful past as some sort of excuse? Why is it a guy telling you he values monogamy and marriage a proof that he's not emotionally unavailable?

 

Because you never hear men say that! This guy had been cheated on by his last 2 girlfriends (possibly others) so he knew he didn't want a woman who would cheat. I am not a cheater and would never do that. So obviously we were both good for each other that way. Also, emotionally unavailable men don't usually want to get married, they can barely make it past a few months with a girl, if they even get in a relationship at all.

[Batya33]

Because you never hear men say that! This guy had been cheated on by his last 2 girlfriends (possibly others) so he knew he didn't want a woman who would cheat. I am not a cheater and would never do that. So obviously we were both good for each other that way. Also, emotionally unavailable men don't usually want to get married, they can barely make it past a few months with a girl, if they even get in a relationship at all.

 

Most of the men I dated more than a few times said that (generally) and not in the negative way of "I don't want a woman who cheats" (had they, that would have been a red flag of negativity and cynicism to me). Do you really want your how we met story to be "he was looking for a person who wouldn't cheat on him and I am not a person who cheats so we were just the perfect match" (and all your girlfriends would then swoon on cue at your bridal shower).

 

Emotionally unavailable men might say they want marriage but act inconsistently with that especially after the first few months as your date did.

 

Annoying and desperate is NOT a good boyfriend (you mentioned those attributes)- that means he is probably insecure and/or self-absorbed/selfish. Who cares if he then "treats you well" -it's coming from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, not love. You want someone who treats himself with respect, is fine being on his own, has his own life/friends/fun but regards you as special so that he wants to give to you, he wants to be with you, he wants to have fun with you - and he expects you to do the same for him.

[Rockchick26]

Most of the men I dated more than a few times said that (generally) and not in the negative way of "I don't want a woman who cheats" (had they, that would have been a red flag of negativity and cynicism to me). Do you really want your how we met story to be "he was looking for a person who wouldn't cheat on him and I am not a person who cheats so we were just the perfect match" (and all your girlfriends would then swoon on cue at your bridal shower).

 

Well obviously that wasn't the only thing we had in common, lol I started to like him before we even had normal conversations, I just thought he was attractive and I loved his laugh and his voice, and then we started talking about spirituality, art, music, and festivals, and things on both of our bucket lists.

 

Annoying and desperate is NOT a good boyfriend (you mentioned those attributes)- that means he is probably insecure and/or self-absorbed/selfish. Who cares if he then "treats you well" -it's coming from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, not love.

 

Well geez, nobody is perfect, lol At least that guy was consistent, if it isn't one thing it's another, you can't get perfect.

 

You want someone who treats himself with respect, is fine being on his own, has his own life/friends/fun but regards you as special so that he wants to give to you, he wants to be with you, he wants to have fun with you - and he expects you to do the same for him.

 

You just described my current guy (not calling him a boyfriend anymore even though tonight at work he seems to think we're still together).

[Batya33]

"Well geez, nobody is perfect, lol At least that guy was consistent, if it isn't one thing it's another, you can't get perfect."

 

Huh? Who wrote anything about perfect? Annoying and desperate are traits you would choose to live with long term "because nobody is perfect?". Obviously everyone has flaws -my discussion was which flaws, and to what extreme, are acceptable within a relationship, not about a search for perfection. "Consistent" sounds like something a dog owner would say or what someone would say about a housecleaner she hired who wasn't the best cleaner but showed up on time so that was good enough. Please don't settle for annoying or desperate "because nobody is perfect" - avoid those cop-out/cynical excuses IMO.

 

"You want someone who treats himself with respect, is fine being on his own, has his own life/friends/fun but regards you as special so that he wants to give to you, he wants to be with you, he wants to have fun with you - and he expects you to do the same for him.

You just described my current guy (not calling him a boyfriend anymore even though tonight at work he seems to think we're still together)."

 

Well, no, the way he treats you shows you he does not regard you as special nor is he acting in a giving way -the opposite.

 

It's irrelevant if he thinks the 2 of you are together as long as you have been clear with him that you are not. Avoid wasting head and heart space on figuring out what he is thinking.

[Wiseman2]

Is he the type that goes to Burning Man?

I just thought he was attractive and I loved his laugh and his voice, and then we started talking about spirituality, art, music, and festivals, and things on both of our bucket lists

[Rockchick26]

"Well geez, nobody is perfect, lol At least that guy was consistent, if it isn't one thing it's another, you can't get perfect."

 

Huh? Who wrote anything about perfect? Annoying and desperate are traits you would choose to live with long term "because nobody is perfect?". Obviously everyone has flaws -my discussion was which flaws, and to what extreme, are acceptable within a relationship, not about a search for perfection.

 

My point is, no matter which guy I am talking about, people will pick on his flaws, then I say 'but this guy has different flaws" then people will say "they are no good either, then!" I just can't win. Like Bob Marley said, "Everyone will hurt you, you just have to find the one worth suffering for."

 

"Consistent" sounds like something a dog owner would say or what someone would say about a housecleaner she hired who wasn't the best cleaner but showed up on time so that was good enough.

 

I only brought up "consistent" because people in here were saying my boyfriend wasn't, so I thought they would at least be happy with the fact that someone I dated was.

 

Well, no, the way he treats you shows you he does not regard you as special nor is he acting in a giving way -the opposite.

 

He did treat me with respect and regard me as special for the first 4 months.

 

It's irrelevant if he thinks the 2 of you are together as long as you have been clear with him that you are not. Avoid wasting head and heart space on figuring out what he is thinking.

 

That is why I gave up, I now live my life like I'm single. Tonight I went and bought my own tent so I can go to festivals without him. I also joined a few dating sites. And I got plans for this weekend without him.