Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

[Ms Darcy]

WOW. Honestly, I thought you were WAY younger and just didn't know any better. I can't believe you are 43 and putting up with this sh*t. How old is the guy?

 

 

 

You're not going to like hearing this, but yes it is. It's VERY low. I don't think you have any idea how low it is.

 

Do yourself a favor and forget about the portable washer.

 

I am really sorry that you are 43. I thought you were younger too. If you haven't learned how to filter out losers by now, I'm not sure how you'll ever learn.

[Rockchick26]

So now, you agreed to give him a lift to this festival? You are going back on your word, and gave him a clear sign that he can manipulate you as much as he wants. When he says "jump", you reply with "how high".

 

I'm not going back on my word, I told him like 3 weeks ago that I would drive him there. Going back on my word would be if I DIDNT do this. There is benefit in it for me, he will be forced to answer my questions because he won't be able to get out, lol I will either get an answer about if he wants to be with me or not, or I will tell him I'm not living in limbo anymore, i'm too old to be wasting time anymore.

 

He will never be with you in full, because he's uncapable to be with anybody.

 

Well why so much talk about marriage then? Even tonight on the phone he said it is a turn off every time I say something like 'this is yours, this is mine". He said I do it a lot and I said i'm sorry I've been single for 15 years, i'm used to everything being mine. He said but I need to get into the marriage mindset if I want to be with someone otherwise it's like we're just friends.

 

At the same time he doesn't want to leave you alone; because he needs validation for his insecurities, attention and favors. He has chosen you for his target, because you give in to his mind games and gaslighting. People like him need to make the woman as the bad person, so that in contrast he gets to feel like a good descent guy.

 

I agree he needs validation for his insecurities, but I don't know why he needs me for favors, he did just fine before me. He has so many friends, I can't believe it, I'm not even kidding when I say this guy has like 100 friends, and i'm meeting new ones all the time. This guy we work with is usually the one that drives him places, to and from work, to the store, etc. He actually drives him more places than I do.

 

You are 43, come on, you should know better than yo-yo dynamics.

 

Age doesn't mean much, I'm far behind everyone else. I didnt even date anyone until I was 26 and we didn't even have proper sex, so I didn't really lose my virginity all the way until like a month ago.

 

What I would do if I were you, I'd drive to his place the day of the festival and ask for the washing machine. If he says again "not now" then, you reply that he has to find another transport to the festival then. Make a 180 degrees turn and start walking to your car. Then leave him with the choice-either he gives the washing machine back, or else he walks on foot to the festival. People like him, understand only the language of coercion. Of course he's going to throw a tantrum, but you have to ignore it.

 

That just sounds cruel to me! I did tell him a few weeks ago I would drive him there. I am not going to leave him stuck without a ride, call me too nice but why would I lower my behavior? Two wrongs don't make a right. I did tell him that I can't pick him up there on Sunday though, that's Fathers Day and I will be with my dad. He said he will make new friends there to get a ride home with anyway, he always does.

[Rockchick26]

Rockchick all your posts of today starting as from #93 are nothing but excuses, denial and rationalisations of his poor behavior towards you. He has trained you so well to take the blame. So, he's now actually stealing your washing machine, and you're justifyiing even that? I seriously worry about you.

 

The first month with abusers are always magnificent. They need you to take the bait, before they start pulling the gaslighting and mind games on you. They know you will always remember the good times and thus keep you locked in an abusive relationship. None of the battered/insulted women who landed in hospital in result of spousal abuse, were called b*tch , or slapped at a first date. It all starts once the woman is all in the relationship.

 

While your psychologically abusive ex is not breaking your bones, he is breaking your self-esteem and mental sanity. Psychological/emotional abuse is a form of abuse. And the wounds of the soul are much harder to heal than the wounds of the body. Please read the book of the leading abuse expert Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men".

 

It's only been 2 weeks...trust me I will not put up with this if it doesn't stop, that's the main reason I'm driving him to the festival so I can get 2 hours of uninterrupted time where he can't hang up or walk away, I will either get an answer out of him or I will tell him I can't be half in and half out, it's all the way or nothing. i have a friend whose fiance was the same way, they actually broke up like 10 times over 7 months, and he kept going silent on her, not talking to her for weeks, and now they live together and have a perfect relationship. Two weeks is nothing compared to how long my friend dealt with it and he ended up coming around in the end. That doesn't mean i'll wait 7 months for this guy, but I'm just saying, men aren't good at processing feelings, they need more time than we do. Look how many women are getting impatient waiting for their men to pop the question, you don't see men waiting around for the woman to be ready.

[Jibralta]

He is 33. And I don't look, act or feel my age at all. Everyone thinks i'm in my 20's. I consider it a compliment. As for putting up with mens sh*t , this guy is (was?) my boyfriend so I'm not walking away as easily as I do when it's just someone I'm casually dating.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that you are absolutely beautiful.

 

However, there are some benefits of 43 that you may be missing out on. For example, the wisdom that comes with experience.

 

I see from your post above that your relationship experience is limited. Therefore, I hope that you will rely on the majority of opinions posted here, which are based on a collective experience, and cut this relationship off completely. This is a bad dynamic. Bad, bad, bad.

 

How does it make me have low self esteem just because I am trying to work things out with my boyfriend?

 

You are right. Working things out with your boyfriend does not mean that you have low self esteem.

 

But acting like a doormat, which is what you have been doing, does mean that you have low self esteem. Inexperience doesn't excuse you here.

 

I am not going to stay in this limbo anymore, either i'm in or i'm out.

 

I got news for you: you're in 'this limbo' already and you've been there for quite some time. This should be like a light switch: on or off.

[jujusamples]

@East4 has just nailed this one again! @Rockchick, it does seem like you are trying to make excuses for him. It's a vicious cycle I tell you! Did I tell you that I was in a similar situation once and it has taken a lot of therapy for me to get over it. That's how far the guy got into my mind. It's hard to get out, I get it! But if you don't I'm worry you are going to be in a really really bad situation at the end. I really do think you need to give it some time and space. I know it's hard because you work with him but you could just talk to him about work related stuff while at work? That way you could keep things mutual and not let him manipulate you about the relationship. If he's giving the relationship 100% like you are he would respect your need for space and time away from him. There are always ways to work around not having to say much to someone. It's just an excuse you are giving regarding working with him. It's actually pretty simple, just do you work, talk to him if it's regarding work and leave it as that.

 

I got the he only likes online conversations because I thought I read on one of your earlier posts that it's easier for him to communicate online but when you logged on, he didn't chat with you. My bad if I misunderstood. So sorry!

[jujusamples]

It's only been 2 weeks...trust me I will not put up with this if it doesn't stop, that's the main reason I'm driving him to the festival so I can get 2 hours of uninterrupted time where he can't hang up or walk away, I will either get an answer out of him or I will tell him I can't be half in and half out, it's all the way or nothing. i have a friend whose fiance was the same way, they actually broke up like 10 times over 7 months, and he kept going silent on her, not talking to her for weeks, and now they live together and have a perfect relationship. Two weeks is nothing compared to how long my friend dealt with it and he ended up coming around in the end. That doesn't mean i'll wait 7 months for this guy, but I'm just saying, men aren't good at processing feelings, they need more time than we do. Look how many women are getting impatient waiting for their men to pop the question, you don't see men waiting around for the woman to be ready.

 

I'm not sure how to quote so I copy and paste;

Wow, is what I thought when I read that paragraph! Really? You are comparing it with your friend which broke up 10 times over 7 months? That is just not healthy in ANY relationship. I think breaking up once is one too many times. Don't get me wrong there is a difference between taking time apart rather than just a break up. My husband and I had to take a few weeks a part to think things through when our relationship was getting really serious.(when we were still dating) We communicated about that though and both agreed on the few weeks. He didn't just go silent on me one day! I would have never tolerated that. (maybe in my past, but I've learnt) We never broke up though. We even said to each other, once we break up, it will be for good. A break up should NOT be taken lightly! Words hurts and I really do hope you go back and re-read some of the comments and answers you are giving. It might give you some insight on the situation. You are chasing this guy way to hard. Why do you need an excuse to have uninterrupted time talking to him? It should be the norm in most healthy relationships. It should be as simple as could we talk when you have time? Not pull teeth just to talk? You and your boyfriend are both over 40? If so, do you not find it a tad immature on his part to hang up and walk away from you when you are talking? I find not only that is immature, it is disrespectful! You have to find ways to communicate with him without him doing that? Sorry, RED FLAG all the way! I really do hope you all the best and one day see some light. You deserve to be someone who would give you as much as you could give him.[

[Wiseman2]

If he's so broken up about his daughter, why did courts suspend his license due to refusal to pay child support.

he cries when his ex doesn't let him see her.As for the taxi thing, what else can he do, it's not like he lost it from a DUI or anything, and he's trying to get it back.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to be blunt, he's trying to make you drop everything and belly crawl to please him. This is a form of manipulation and control and you would be a right fool to stay in this.Worse is on the way, this is a warning sign to pull the rip cord now and bail.

 

Tell him your life doesn't center 1,000 percent around him and maybe it's time to call the whole thing off. He's gaslighting you (look it up) to tear you down, so you'll pretty much stop having a life that centers out of anything but pleasing him and chasing after him while he plays the wounded victim.

 

And he'll be chuckling to himself the entire time. Just end it now, because this can only get worse and it will.

[Rockchick26]

You are right. Working things out with your boyfriend does not mean that you have low self esteem.

 

But acting like a doormat, which is what you have been doing, does mean that you have low self esteem. Inexperience doesn't excuse you here.

 

I'm acting like a doormat because I drive him places? I guess some people could see it that way but then everyone he knows would also be a doormat, especially his friend who drives him 99% of the time. I just see it as I happen to be dating someone with no liscence through no fault of his own and can't afford to get it back, I'm not going to only associate with people who can drive just to avoid having to drive them places.

 

I got news for you: you're in 'this limbo' already and you've been there for quite some time. This should be like a light switch: on or off.

 

2 weeks isn't quite some time...but I will be talking to him tonight when we drive to the festival. He told me at work today he could talk to some people he knows there and let me in for free, I said no we need the time apart and I have plans this weekend, and he got a sad look on his face, I said "you'll have fun", and he said "Maybe I won't, you won't be there." I said "You're too confusing", he said "You are too." I was pretty standoffish to him all night and he was super friendly and smiley, like he used to be before. I will find out if that was all an act just to make sure I don't back out on driving him.

[Rockchick26]

@East4 has just nailed this one again! @Rockchick, it does seem like you are trying to make excuses for him. It's a vicious cycle I tell you! Did I tell you that I was in a similar situation once and it has taken a lot of therapy for me to get over it. That's how far the guy got into my mind. It's hard to get out, I get it! But if you don't I'm worry you are going to be in a really really bad situation at the end. I really do think you need to give it some time and space. I know it's hard because you work with him but you could just talk to him about work related stuff while at work? That way you could keep things mutual and not let him manipulate you about the relationship. If he's giving the relationship 100% like you are he would respect your need for space and time away from him. There are always ways to work around not having to say much to someone. It's just an excuse you are giving regarding working with him. It's actually pretty simple, just do you work, talk to him if it's regarding work and leave it as that.

 

He said he could handle working with me, it's ME that can't. I liked a guy at a job I had a few years ago and I could have gotten over him in a few months but I didn't want to quit and he kept saying he was going to so I had to wait until he quit then I finally could start getting over him, and it dragged on for a year and a half. I can't help it when I have feelings for someone and have to see them and talk to them every day, it hurts. It didn't help that that guy acted like my boyfriend too, but wouldn't get into a relationship. But anyway, back to this guy, he said he could handle working with me if we didn't talk, but he's been talking more this week than he has previous 2 combined! He is totally acting like we're together again but isn't coming out and saying if we're together or not. Hopefully tonight I will get that answer.

 

I got the he only likes online conversations because I thought I read on one of your earlier posts that it's easier for him to communicate online but when you logged on, he didn't chat with you. My bad if I misunderstood. So sorry!

 

That's because he went to bed, or I guess he just wasn't on FB, since he later left a message saying he couldn't sleep. He says he prefers talking on the phone but he shuts down a lot when I ask tough questions then he says he has to think and he'll call me back. Or he changes the subject or just gets quiet, sometimes he falls asleep. He likes to talk so long sometimes until 5 am or later and sometimes ends up passing out cuz he'll lay in bed and keep talking to me, thats why I said he seems more open when he can type his thoughts. He just says texting and messages always get misunderstood and people take things the wrong way since you can't put emotion into your words.

[Rockchick26]

I'm not sure how to quote so I copy and paste;

Wow, is what I thought when I read that paragraph! Really? You are comparing it with your friend which broke up 10 times over 7 months? That is just not healthy in ANY relationship. I think breaking up once is one too many times.

 

It isn't like marriage where you only can divorce once, breakups are more common, obviously. I know a couple who I sh*t you not has probably broken up a hundred times over the last 15 years, like it happens every few weeks regularly. I guess when you are around people like that, anything else seems better.

 

Don't get me wrong there is a difference between taking time apart rather than just a break up. My husband and I had to take a few weeks a part to think things through when our relationship was getting really serious.(when we were still dating) We communicated about that though and both agreed on the few weeks. He didn't just go silent on me one day! I would have never tolerated that. (maybe in my past, but I've learnt) We never broke up though. We even said to each other, once we break up, it will be for good.

 

He didn't break up with me when he said he wanted space to think, that was ME who said we should do that. He kept saying "I never said breakup, you are the one implying that." He didn't break up with me until 2 nights ago when he found out I didn't tell him I couldn't drive him to the festival.

 

You are chasing this guy way to hard.

 

How? He broke up with me and I didn't call or message him, he even told me to call him the next day and I didn't. I told him we needed to take a day apart like a breather before we discuss anything. And I have been standoffish with him ever since.

 

Why do you need an excuse to have uninterrupted time talking to him? It should be the norm in most healthy relationships. It should be as simple as could we talk when you have time? Not pull teeth just to talk?

 

Yeah we start talking, I just said sometimes he'll fall asleep or feel pressured to answer a question, last week he told me sometimes he just says anything that comes to mind just to give me an answer because I was pressuring him to answer, and what he said might not even be true. Everyone knows guys are horrible communicators, especially if they have numbed their feelings their whole life.

 

You and your boyfriend are both over 40? If so, do you not find it a tad immature on his part to hang up and walk away from you when you are talking?

 

He's 33, I'm 43. It is immature, yeah, and I have said that to him, that's when he said he feels pressured to come up with answers when he doesn't have the answer. He said he numbed his feelings his whole life (with drugs) and now has trouble processing what he feels and can't really identify certain emotions. He just knows something feels wrong but he can't figure out what. He said last night on the phone what bothered him the most was me "not being into" him as much as he is into me, and me having a "this is mine, this is yours" mindset rather than "this is ours" like he has. I have been single for 15 years and need to take things slow, where he has had 6 relationships and they all move faster than I am used to so he said this was the first time he's been in a relationship where there was no sex for a long time (3 months). So basically I'm more independent than him. I also prefer to sleep alone and he needs that closeness with whoever he's with, he said it made him sad to find out I need to sleep alone because it's kind of a dealbreaker for him. So I think that is what the problem is, he just doesn't feel like we are compatible in those ways, he said that last night too. I said "So you dont want to be in this relationship?" and he either didnt answer or said something like 'that isn't what i said', I am trying to help him break this off but he's fighting it.

[Rockchick26]

If he's so broken up about his daughter, why did courts suspend his license due to refusal to pay child support.

 

He didn't refuse to pay it, he got laid off at the time and had no money, he was actually homeless for a while, living in his car. He pays child support now that he has a job, and that's why he can't afford to get his license back because all his money goes to his daughter and rent.

[Hollyj]

He is 33. And I don't look, act or feel my age at all. Everyone thinks i'm in my 20's. I consider it a compliment. As for putting up with mens sh*t , this guy is (was?) my boyfriend so I'm not walking away as easily as I do when it's just someone I'm casually dating.

 

 

 

How does it make me have low self esteem just because I am trying to work things out with my boyfriend? I am just a loyal person who rarely falls in love but when I do, I am in it 100%. That doesn't mean I'll put up with anything, or even this much longer, that is why I want to take him to that festival so I have 2 hours of uninterrupted time to get some answers and tell him I am not going to stay in this limbo anymore, either i'm in or i'm out.

 

You have zero self esteem and self respect.

 

I don't know what you think you will hear? And, who would care after the way he behaved. I cannot believe you are going to taxi him to this festival! This is really sad!!!

 

I guess you thrive on drama!

[Jibralta]

I'm acting like a doormat because I drive him places?

 

Not exactly, although driving him places isn't helping matters. I was really talking about the way you change your mind when he so much as sighs.

 

Here's a perfect example of what I mean:

 

I said no we need the time apart and I have plans this weekend, and he got a sad look on his face

 

Rockchick, are you sure you're 43? Maybe you accidentally hit "4" instead of "2?"

[Wiseman2]

Of course he wants a "this is ours" mindset

me having a "this is mine, this is yours" mindset rather than "this is ours" like he has.

Because of this 26;6579798]he was actually homeless for a while, living in his car.

[Psych]

Yes, there is a word for it. The word is sociopath.

How to spot them:

How to handle them:

[Hollyj]

I also think that is ridiculous that you believe that the only way you can get any answers, is by trapping him in a car - I think most would know it's over at this point .

 

At 43, you should know much better! I'm thinking that you don't have a social life outside of this guy that is why you settle for this nonsense?

 

Please seek counselling

[Hollyj]

Another question: if he has so many friends, then why was he living in his car?

[Rockchick26]

Not exactly, although driving him places isn't helping matters. I was really talking about the way you change your mind when he so much as sighs.

 

Here's a perfect example of what I mean:

 

 

 

Rockchick, are you sure you're 43? Maybe you accidentally hit "4" instead of "2?"

 

How was I changing my mind? He wanted me to stay at the festival with him and I said I had plans, so I'm not going. He asked me again before I left last night if i would stay and I said no.

[Rockchick26]

Of course he wants a "this is ours" mindsetBecause of this

 

What does being homeless once have to do with him having an 'ours mindset'?

[Rockchick26]

At 43, you should know much better! I'm thinking that you don't have a social life outside of this guy that is why you settle for this nonsense?

 

Please seek counselling

 

I have been single for 15 years, a social life has been all i've had...trust me I know I can live without a man, I don't need one.

[Rockchick26]

Another question: if he has so many friends, then why was he living in his car?

 

Because he doesn't want to burden anyone, he doesn't think anyone should have to deal with his problems.

[Rockchick26]

So last night I overheard him telling someone I was his girlfriend, so i guess that clears that up, he didn't know I could hear him so he wasn't lying. He asked me twice if I would stay there with him, I said no. He asked for a hug before I left, I barely gave him one, then he tried to kiss me and I leaned away, he goes 'You dont want to kiss me?" so I did just to see how I would feel about it and I felt like I was just not into it. He asked me what was going on, I said "I'm sad, the last time we were here things were better." and he said "we can make it special, I dont want you to leave, lets go back to my tent and make love" I said "No I gotta get home, it's 4 am and I gotta work tomorrow." He said "I figured you'd say that." I wasn't even home yet and he called me to see where I was then told me to call him again when I made it home, I did and he said he loved me and thanks for the ride down there.

 

But I am still not putting my all into this anymore, I know he'll probably break up with me again (if the first time was really real) so I'm staying distant emotionally to protect myself.

[Wiseman2]

You're smart to distance yourself a bit from all of this.

he said "we can make it special, I dont want you to leave, lets go back to my tent and make love"

[Rockchick26]

So far this sociopath article doesn't fit him...it says they have no guilt, but he still feels guilty for his mom killing herself, he said he thought he made peace with it but how can anyone make peace with that without going to therapy? He also feels guilty after he gets into arguments with coworkers and friends and ends up apologizing before they do.

 

It also says they never say sorry, but he has no problems saying that.

 

It also says they lie, I haven't caught him in a lie yet...his memory is horrible from all the drugs he's done and he usually ends up telling me something more than once and he always gives the same story. And whenever I thought he was lying about something, I would overhear him telling someone else the same thing so I know he wasn't lying to me. It's impossible for someone with a bad memory to lie because sooner or later they'd forget what they said but his words always check out.