Dad started dating.

[Moontiger]

Posting from my phone so apologizes for spelling/grammar.

 

As a lot of you know I lost my mom less then a year ago. I would go into detail but one of my siblings was a complete asshat and has become estranged from the entire family. So it has been two loses for me.

 

My dad recently started dating and I'm very weirded out by it. Logically I know he should not be alone forever and that my mom told him very explicitly several times near the end to find someone. But my emotional/illogical side is really struggling with this. I think a irrationally part of me kind of wanted my dad to just be single (again I know how totally irrational that is).

 

I have not meet this woman yet but apparently my dad has known her for several years (I wonder if my mom knew her?) through work. I tell myself that the fact that my dad picked my mom shows good judgement. I also know he won't get married again (he's said so several times over the past months) and won't introduce is to anyone unless it's serious.

 

Any advice on how to quite my irrational side? If my dad does find someone serious I want us all to have a good relationship but I this point I get really emotional just thinking of him dating.

[Itchy]

It seems too soon to me, but you know what? Who am I or you to say what is and isn't right for your Dad. If he's happy and ready to move on and find someone new then you just have to respect his decision (even if you don't support it) and leave him to his own devices.

[Knot2loud]

You can accept the fact that your father is just as human as you are. He has feelings, emotions, needs, desires and wishes. He lost too when your mother passed away. He lost his wife - the mother of his children. I'm sure he was hurting just as you were. I don't see anything unusual about how you're feeling. After all, the only person of the opposite sex you've probably ever seen either one of your parents with was each other. It's just difficult to accept is all. Over time I think you'll be supportive of your father having a companion. That's what this woman is... a companion.

 

Hang in there. You won't lose your dad. He will always love you. Even the one who's an asshat.

[Wiseman2]

I would be happy for him that he's normal and seeking companionship again.

[gigiselle]

Questions you might ask yourself: Do I feel dad is "replacing" mom too soon? I'm I being protective of him? Do I feel mom deserved to be grieved for for a longer period of time by my father? I'm I afraid if my father becomes closer to this new woman it may diminish my relationship with him?

[reinventmyself]

I would feel the same way.

Just give it some time to adjust to the idea.

Compartmentalize things. Recognize that your dads feelings for his new friend take away nothing from your Mom and the memories of her.

Bottom line is, you'll want to see your dad happy. Your mom did.

No doubt you are both still grieving and will be for some time.

[Itchy]

I would be happy for him that he's normal and seeking companionship again.

 

Why is it normal to seek companionship. You're then implying it's not normal to be happy and content on your own, surely?

[Hermes]

I think (just think) that what OP means is that her Dad is coming out of his grief and looking for companionship again.

 

I'll recast the sentence for OP (LOL):

 

"I would be happy for him that he is seeking companionship again".

[Wiseman2]

He wants companionship and he is not in a protracted grief state, falling apart, giving up on life, etc. To respect the OP's thread topic this is not about the merits of solitude vs. companionship.

[Moontiger]

Questions you might ask yourself: Do I feel dad is "replacing" mom too soon? I'm I being protective of him? Do I feel mom deserved to be grieved for for a longer period of time by my father? I'm I afraid if my father becomes closer to this new woman it may diminish my relationship with him?

 

I think a part of me does wish he would be single for much, much longer.

 

I am very protective of him so no doubt that is playing a part in all this.

 

No, not at all. I can honestly say that I have no fear of my relationship with my dad being negatively affected by him dating.

[Moontiger]

You can accept the fact that your father is just as human as you are. He has feelings, emotions, needs, desires and wishes. He lost too when your mother passed away. He lost his wife - the mother of his children. I'm sure he was hurting just as you were. I don't see anything unusual about how you're feeling. After all, the only person of the opposite sex you've probably ever seen either one of your parents with was each other. It's just difficult to accept is all. Over time I think you'll be supportive of your father having a companion. That's what this woman is... a companion.

 

Hang in there. You won't lose your dad. He will always love you. Even the one who's an asshat.

 

Thank you. I think your right that this will just take time. My dad and I were even joking on the phone about how when me and my siblings meet her we will all probably need a lot of alcohol.

[Moontiger]

I would feel the same way.

Just give it some time to adjust to the idea.

Compartmentalize things. Recognize that your dads feelings for his new friend take away nothing from your Mom and the memories of her.

Bottom line is, you'll want to see your dad happy. Your mom did.

No doubt you are both still grieving and will be for some time.

 

Thank for this. It's nice to here that someone else would feel this way also.

[Moontiger]

I feel...kind of stupid for feeling like this. Sigh.

[Hermes]

Agreed Wiseman:

 

"To respect the OP's thread topic this is not about the merits of solitude vs. companionship."

[reinventmyself]

I feel...kind of stupid for feeling like this. Sigh.

No! Don't feel bad at all.

I don't think anything prepares you for the loss of your Mother, let alone imaging your Dad dating someone new.

It's got to feel really strange.

Be patient with yourself.

I think anyone in your position would feel the same.

[charity]

I think most people would feel exactly how you are feel. Don't feel silly at all.

Some people need to be in a relationship, they do better in one, they feel complete in one. Perhaps your Dad is one of these people and if so, knowing that, can help you realize that he is doing what is natural and necessary for himself.

[qwaspolk82]

My biological grandma (mom's mom) died at the end of 78 (I was born in 82) from uterian cancer which she fought for 7 years. That following May 79 my uncle was killed by a drunk driver two weeks after he graduated high school. So needless to say that was a hard time on not just my grandpa but my mom and her other siblings.

 

My stepgrandma (who I didn't know was such until I was like 7) and my grandpa met and got married in 79. They dated for about six weeks and got married. My grandmother's husband had also died. She is 10 years younger. She also had five kids. Even though my mom was already an adult, married with my oldest brother and the next brother on the way, she didn't like it. She didn't like that her dad would get married within a year after her mom had died. Granted my mom is just pretty selfish, might have a personality disorder and a lot of other issues, she never liked my grandma. She never really gave her a chance. She would pretend to be nice on holidays and pretend to be nice to her stepsiblings. But behind their back she talked badly about them.

 

I'm sure it has to be hard when one parent dies and the remaining parent gets remarried and especially so soon. But my dad said my grandpa always knew what he wanted and he knew he wanted to be with my stepgrandma just like he knew he wanted to be with my grandma. If both their spouses hadn't died, then that marriage wouldn't have happened. But they've been married 37 years now. If not for my grandma, my grandpa would not have made it this long. She made sure they went on walks, ate healthy and they were very active until the last few years. She was very good for him and I would think my grandma would approve his decision.

 

I know recently I was talking to my mom about some things and she mentioned my grandma. She said "I know she's the only grandma you guys know." I said you're right. She is. She took care of grandpa, she has done nothing but love him and she has always treated us as her grandkids and she basically raised my mom's youngest brother. So I told her she needs to get over this crap with her stepmom and move on especially with my grandpa not doing well and not expected to have long to live. She said she probably should.

 

I understand slightly. My parents got divorced and rightfully so. My dad met my now stepmom and I was happy that he met someone. But a small part of me felt a little jealousy because there was another woman in the house. I am the only girl out of five kids and my mom cheated on my dad and was always gone when she could. So I was I guess the woman of the house but I'm not very feminine. She moved in and started to change things (my dad lives in the same house we all grew up in still) and it was kind of like "whoa" but she makes my dad happy. He is involved in church things so at least he gets out. She treats us reasonably well (we've had our issues) and she even wrote me in Iraq and asked me what I thought if my dad asked her to marry him. I said you better get him before someone else does.

 

Just let him have this time and see how things go. It might not go anywhere. It might be long lasting. He might get married again even if he says he won't. But no one is going to replace your mom. My grandpa still talks about my bio grandma in front of my grandma and she talks about her husband around him. For kids it might seem like a "replacement" but you no that your parents loved each other and that a new person can't replace her. But she can provide him love and comfort. I'm sure your dad is still grieving her and always will but everyone grieves differently.

[gigiselle]

Was your mother terminally-ill? If so, many people begin to grieve for their partners as soon as the diagnosis is rendered....it continues throughout their decline and past their death. Your father has had a friendship with this person for many years. If they are in a relationship now, it's more than likely because he feels she provides comfort and a measure of joy. Simply because he is dating her it doesn't dismiss the life he had with your mom. My mother in law and my father in law iboth lost their spouses to illness. They sought companionship, refuge and understanding in each other. They married. They are incredibly beautiful in their attitudes concerning their lost spouses. They accompany each other to place flowers at their grave regularly....even after 35 years!! They keep all their photos in a special place...they know it simply is impossible to replace a partner you loved and lost to death. They know life gave them another chance at love and their quality of life has improved as a result.

[greta96]

I would feel the exact same way, and I'm sure a lot of people would (and do), so don't feel bad about it.

My Dad passed away a few years ago, and it would weird me out terribly if my Mom started dating again. Luckily she won't, dating is just no longer on her horizon at her age, but *if* she did...I don't know, I don't think I could make peace with it internally (I wouldn't tell her anything directly of course). Selfish? Probably...but mom and dad are the one major constant in my life, mom with someone else is just one of those things that wouldn't make sense to me (hard to put it into words lol).

I guess you need to give yourself time to adjust...this is definitely happening a bit too soon... it will always feel weird but ultimately it's your dad's life and he needs to do whatever makes him happy.

[agent1607307371]

Give it time. What you're feeling is natural. You're still grieving, and now you're having to think about your dad moving away from that state of partnership he had with your mum, and maybe one day having to see that.

 

Be gentle with yourself, that's all.

[lostandhurt]

This seems perfectly normal to me. You are close with your dad and protective of him so it is natural that you would not be totally cool with him dating. Lets say he waited 3 years and then started dating. Chances are you might feel the same way. You know what dating is like right? When was the last time your dad dated?

 

I would say to be supportive and hold your judgment until you meet this woman. Ultimately he wants you all to like her as much as she wants you all to like her. Hopefully he is taking it slow.

 

You may have to have the "TALK" with him though. Ha ha

 

Lost

[Moontiger]

Thank you everyone. It really help to hear from so many people telling me what I'm felling is normal.

 

I'm very luck as my BF has been through something similar. He lost his father years ago. His mom has since remarried so he really gets where I'm coming from. I've also been very honest with my dad. We were talking a few months ago and we discussed how I would feel if/when he started dating. I told him it would be weird for me at first and take time to get used to but I understood he wasn't going to be a monk.

[thejigsup]

My fiance died five years ago and I still can't imagine dating anyone else. I loved him very much and still do. Still, this is your father's life and you have to accept his choices. I don't know how people date after a partner dies, but they sometimes do and it doesn't make them bad people. Just get busy with your own life and let him live his.

[catfeeder]

I think a irrationally part of me kind of wanted my dad to just be single (again I know how totally irrational that is).

 

This is the 'X' on your map, so it's the place to dig. Consider that since both you and Dad have been grieving, you've both met certain needs of the other. So it only makes sense to feel a bit threatened by Dad changing that dynamic if he gets some of his needs met by someone else.

 

This is where you can examine which needs Dad has been meeting for you, and whether you can see different ways to get those needs met, OR, ways to negotiate keeping those things on the table undisrupted.

 

For instance, in terms of changing your needs, consider some of the ways you 'took care' of Dad that gave you a certain feeling of accomplishment or value?

 

Sometimes just recognizing how we used certain rituals to bring calm or satisfaction holds them to the light of rational thinking and dilutes their magic, which makes those habits less emotionally charged. For instance, if you felt secure and 'needed' while cleaning Dad's house, you can approach that task next time with a conscious focus on generosity instead. Then you can entertain ideas while performing the task about how this might free up Dad to go on a date, and you can fantasize about him laughing and feeling happy on the date.

 

This gives you the conscious control to assign new ideas to old rituals, which can help you to make the transition easier.

 

You can also take a different approach to certain needs. You can decide which rituals you don't want Dad to disrupt with his dating. Then you can negotiate with him about those. "Dad, I want to be happy about you dating again. I guess I'm just insecure about losing certain times with you that are important to me. Would you mind keeping our Wednesday Scrabble games on your calendar and dating 'around' those for a while? It would mean a lot to me if you'd reserve those for 'just us,' and if you ever need to do something else on a Wednesday, could we move it to Thursday or Tuesday so that we still keep it that week?"

 

If you have no specific rituals in place, you can make some with Dad now. For instance, you can ask him if he could reserve Tuesday nights for movies with you, or whether brunches every other Sunday while you do laundry at his place would work for him if you threw in a few loads for him, too.

 

Point is, once you can identify what, exactly, you fear losing to Dad's new social life, you can preemptively work to keep certain things in tact while shifting your conscious thinking about other things.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Moontiger]

Well, I just talked to my dad. We had a really nice long talk. I asked some questions about this lady and everything seems good. She lives several states away and they have only been on a couple of dates. She's divorced, of a reasonable a reasonable age (not some 20 year old intern, lol), has her own career etc. It's not serious at this point but I told him if it did become serious I would like to meet her. She sounds nice. '

 

Still weird for me that my dad is dating.