Tell me I was abused. (Or don't?)

[StillBreathing]

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years. I have been out for 3+ and have only sought help within the past year, and then only off and on till recently. I have really been struggling with nonexistent self-esteem, severe anxiety and some PTSD symptoms. I am seeing a trauma therapist and have prescription anxiety medication, but progress is slow.

 

The biggest stumbling block in my recovery is the fact that I often am not sure if the abuse I suffered was really "that bad". I am not sure if my current symptoms are because of the abuse, or if they are because I'm simply dysfunctional. If I'm just crazy, then I'd be suffering whether or not I was abused, and therefore my current state wouldn't be anyone's fault.

 

In an attempt to understand my experiences and to hopefully see things spelled out for me in black in white by impartial parties (you, forum readers!), I am posting this question. It would mean the world to me if you could offer your personal opinion of whether the following sounds terribly abusive to you or not. Thanks for helping me.

 

MY HISTORY: I've always had anxiety, since I was a small child. My self-esteem has always been low, but never as low as it is currently. I did not ever physically abusive or name-called (ex. you're an idiot, etc.) He told me that it was "my tone" when we were arguing that infuriated him so much. I am prone to social anxiety and depression - this began before I met my ex.

 

POSSIBLE ABUSE

 

1. He choked me while he was driving us to a restaurant.

 

2. He grabbed a spiral notebook out of my hands and threw it out of the car window as we were driving. The spiral cut my arm.

 

3. He came at me and pushed me backwards, with a hammer in his hand, while I was standing in front of a bathtub. I was wearing heels and therefore was unsteady, but I did stop short of falling backwards into the tub.

 

4. He took a steak knife and stabbed it into the kitchen counter repeatedly during an argument with me. I was standing near the counter.

 

5. He threw and broke 3-5 TV remotes while we were arguing.

 

6. He would frequently say "There is something wrong with you."; "No one would believe the horrible way you talk to me, if I were to record this conversation and play it for them"; "No one would put up with you if they knew what you were really like"; "I'm sorry but you just make me madder than anyone on earth has ever made me", "If you leave me, I'll kill you" (said jokingly while laughing, never when he was angry); "I think you might be gay" (when I would turn down sex)

 

7. He would grab my breasts in public because he thought it was funny, even when I always told him not to. He did stop after several months.

 

8. He would drive very erratically during arguments. He was pulled over by the police on two occasions as they suspected he was drunk (he had to get out and do a sobriety test once) but he was sober, so he was let go.

 

9. Towards the end, he'd call me an f'ing B and names along those lines when we argued.

 

10. Towards the end, I made a new best friend and he would often get mad when I would stay out past 11:00 or so with her.

 

HOWEVER...

 

1. He was also supportive and loving a lot of the time.

 

2. He never punched me, pushed me down stairs, raped me (though often I would give in to sex because he wouldn't stop bugging me), gave me a black eye, etc.

 

3. He told me he loved me, wanted to spend more time with me (we worked opposite schedules for years), wanted to help me in any way he could (when I was feeling depressed about my job), etc.

 

4. Like I said, I was prone to anxiety and depression before I met him.

 

Please, weigh in if you have a moment. It would mean a lot to me and help me with my recovery, whether that recovery is from abuse or from me just being an anxious person with low self-esteem!

[j.man]

You were abused.

[Wiseman2]

If you've gotten therapy, you know it's abuse and abuse has cycles. Focus on the fact that you got out. Your symptoms are due to both preexisting/underlying problems and the after effects of surviving this situation. Try not to think in terms of black and white, it's either this or that. This is a logical fallacy because things coexist and there are things which are not mutually exclusive.

[WithLove]

You were abused.

[StillBreathing]

I know what abuse is, I guess I just don't quite believe it applies to me. Thank you for replying!!

[SherrySher]

Mental and verbal abuse mixed in with some physical. But most definitely abuse.

[Why9]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that yes you were in a abusive relationship no one should be treated like that and I'm sorry you were. Just continue going to therapy and stay strong no man has the right to treat you like that I have two sisters and if anyone treated them that way let's just say I would end up in jail.

[greta96]

You were abused! How is that even a question?

[Pixels]

You're seeking validation for your feelings...

 

You know this is abuse, you don't need to ask us, you even have clarity to highlight "possible abuse" as a header of your bullet-point list... Somewhere in you, you know what's not acceptable behaviour for an adult.

 

The biggest stumbling block in my recovery is the fact that I often am not sure if the abuse I suffered was really "that bad". I am not sure if my current symptoms are because of the abuse, or if they are because I'm simply dysfunctional. If I'm just crazy, then I'd be suffering whether or not I was abused, and therefore my current state wouldn't be anyone's fault.

 

It might help to stop trying to quantify things... Even if you are crazy and have your own issues, abuse is abuse... There's no acceptable conditions for it, and there's no excuses...

 

Just to throw you a curve-ball... You weren't abused... So now what? What difference does it make?

[Blue Ridge]

Of the 10 things you listed, the first 9 are categorically abuse.

[Hermes]

StillBreathing.

 

You were in something comparable to a war zone and in reality you are still in shock. Abusers are experts at making the abused person feel it is his/her fault.

Abusers abuse because they can, and all too often get away with it.

 

"Some Startling Statistics: Almost all women who are physically abused are also verbally abused (84%) and psychologically abused (Follingstad et. al., 1990) • 72% of battered women report that emotional abuse had a more severe impact on them than physical abuse (Follingstad et. al., 1990) • Among a group of battered women, 46% of women state that emotional ridicule is the worst type of abuse to experience (Follingstad et. al., 1990) • There is no difference among the races or various ethnic groups on the incidence of physical abuse (Lockhart, 1985; Campbell, 1989) • No research, to date, has systematically examined cultural differences in the prevalence of psychological abuse • Psychological abuse is a significant predictor of depressive symptomatology and problem drinking (Arias, Street and Brody, 1996) • Psychological abuse is a meaningful predictor of parents who will neglect or maltreat their children (Arias, Street, and Brody, 1996)"

 

"If the tormenter only intermittently and unpredictably reinforces the victim's expressions of gratitude, admiration or acts of compliance, the victim will find these expressions deeply ingrained and try endlessly to get the reward - which one knows, historically, will eventually come, if only for a brief moment.

 

From a psychodynamic perspective, love dependence develops as the victim denies the horror of the real relationship and projects the wish for safety of a caring, committed partner onto the abuser."

 

From:

 

 

[RainyCoast]

you were most definitely abused.

 

acts meant to intimidate you are very common forms of abuse. driving recklessly, throwing things.

 

transferred agression is abuse. it's saying "this is how mad you have made me, you are responsible for my agression, this is what i want to be doing to you and you would deserve it so be thankful i am as lenient as i am. and don't ever demand decency from me again or else it'll be you not the counter next time". i have also heard some of these literal sentences from them. the object they hit is your replacement.

 

agressors are not black and white. they'll exhibit normal behavior. it doesn't make them normal-it certainly doesn't make intimidation or displays of agression acceptable. and often that behavior is intended as crazymaking. "i'm a sweet guy, i hold you when you cry, what is this abuse stuff you're coming up with? maybe you need to smoke a bud honey, your mind is messing with you- i'm worried you'll go crazy if you keep telling yourself such nonsense."

 

your anxiety and self-esteem issue made you the perfect target because you question yourself so much. a woman who values herself wouldn't even stop to think "is this abuse" when a guy with a hammer pushed her against the tub or blamed her tone on it. she'd leave yesterday, without bothering to even explain herself to a psycho.

 

this is one of the things i've noticed has come with time and therapy- when it feels like someone is crossing the line, i no longer wait to ponder on whether there is an excuse for it, whether i'm being irrational for not liking it, whether it's abuse or even whether it is actually crossing the line, i don't wonder whether i'm right to feel like i do. all i know is i won't have it. i just state my boundaries and/or remove myself.

 

if there was an excuse for it- would it matter? you didn't like it, you get to state what you will and will not have and people will either respect it or you will walk. if they think or call you irrational- you don't have to (and will not suceed if they are abusive) prove that you are rational- you decide you'd rather be a crazy beetch who does not take mistreatment than a good compliant suffering victim.

 

you don't owe sheet to anyone who frightens or disrespects you.

 

good luck in your recoery!

 

you came to the right place for support, plenty ena-ers have similar stories so keep writing all you need to, we're here

[DancingFool]

To answer your question - yes you were abused.

 

Regarding your but he never.....well that's pretty normal for most victims of abuse. Unfortunately, when most people think of abuse, they picture a person getting physically punched, beaten, etc. Except that abuse doesn't have to escalate to that extreme for it to be abuse. In fact, it never starts out that way to begin with.

 

A better way to understand abuse is that it's about control and intimidation by any means necessary. Which means that it can be purely psychological and never actually physical. All abusive relationships start out well. Meaning he will be super nice to you so you get attached. Abuse comes later in various forms and psychologically first. He has to start breaking you down as a human being - you are worthless, there is something wrong with you, you can't do anything right, you can't live without the abuser, you don't have options in life. That will always be entwined with good times where you feel warm and fuzzy. You see, it has to get entwined like that or you will walk away. It's the good times that keep you hooked and when the bad times roll around you just take it and hope things will get better again. It's why it's actually referred to as the cycle of abuse. Good times ->bad times ->apologies ->good times -> bad times....over and over again in a circle.

 

What you describe in your list, it all comes under physical intimidation. Choking you....that's flat out physical abuse.

 

Other than owning to yourself that everything you experienced with this guy is hands down abuse, I think it would be good for you going forward to make some black and white rules for yourself when it comes to relationships.

 

Rule #1 - the moment he opens his mouth and calls you stupid, incompetent, incapable, anything at all along the lines that you just don't have the capacity to do things or do things right, you dump him that second. It.is.over. I don't care how great he is otherwise, that is your neon blinking sign to run and you listen to it.

 

Rule #2 - the moment he displays aggressive possessiveness, jealousy, you can't talk to people, you can't talk to friends, you have to account to him for your time...this one is trickier because it might not start out like that, might take time to wind into it slowly and he might cloak it as I just care about you, I'm worried you got into an accident, etc. Regardless, this is not about caring or love, this is about control and you dump him immediately.

 

Rule #3 - any physical aggression at all, throwing things, punching walls, kicking things - even if it's not directed at you. Even if it's about something else. Even if you kind of agree with him that his anger is justified, realize that the way he expresses and releases that anger is dangerous and only a matter of time before he turns that on you. You see that or even a hint of that, you dump him.

 

Rule #4 - if he lays so much as half his little finger on you, you dump him. If he chokes you or anything else like that at all, you put his azz in jail and press charges and go through with it. You'll be doing the world a favor and yourself too. Oh yeah.....dump him.....

 

Now I realize that some things in the above might be things that people do and they are not abusers, etc. That's all good and well and they have perfectly normal relationships. The thing is that the OP has a hard time distinguishing the grey areas, so I am suggesting that she does make it totally black and white for herself so that she can find a good man to be with who doesn't bring around challenges and most important, so that she doesn't fall into another bad situation ever again.

[zeino]

Stillbreathing hi,

 

I'm very sorry for what you have experienced but I'm happy that you got out and are doing something for your wellbeing. Please do not judge your progress as slow or fast. You experienced something very severe and everyone has their own path of healing. Treat yourself with compassion and you will discover that you are fast in some stages of healing, slow in others but that doesn't say anything as long as you heal.

 

I have nothing to add in regard to what constitutes abuse but when I think about why we sometimes start questioning whether this was abuse or not, two things come to my mind. First off, our reality is shaken due to the complex trauma. 8 years is not easy, we normalize a lot of things. But with time, our normal and healthy perception returns. Secondly, abuse gives us deep scars. Beyond the violence, fear and everyday troubles with the abuser, there are certain things that we get to experience only when we are out and safe; with an abuser, we are focused on our survival and cannot allow ourselves to experience this stuff that is beneath the every day experience. Some people experience this aspect of abuse stronger than others. This is a kind of deep, deep sorrow, something like an inner child crying because abuse itself goes against all our human understanding. We experience fear, hurt and everything abuse does within the framework of "love" and with an intimate, significant person. It is a very difficult and contradictory thing for the ego to accept - and sometimes triggers earlier wounds experienced with a parent etc. The result is a process of grief where we deal with the reality that this thing did happen to us. It is a natural part of the healing process, that grief. It has stages and we slowly integrate what happened. But sometimes, we want to avoid the pain of grief so we may start questioning whether this was abuse - because if it's not, no need for grief, we are basically avoiding pain. Or we may bargain - maybe this was abuse but that wasn't abuse. All these are part of the healing process for some of us. We overcome these. Please remember that there may be days when you miss the abuser, when you think you were wrong in things, you had faults etc. Just carry on with your healing, and in time, everything will be balanced. It always helps to remind yourself of the facts.

 

As for your X,Y,X condition before the abuse. No, none of those are reasons why this happened. The responsibility of abuse always belongs to the abuser. You may have had anxiety before the abuser, that's irrelevant. People without anxiety problems, confident people, all sorts of people find themselves in various situations of abuse and they are all affected the way you were. With or without anxiety prior to abuse, your reactions are your reactions to abuse. It is good to see your own traits, it is also good to know your attachment style for instance so that you can understand your reactions to things for instance; but they are not the cause of abuse. Your abuser caused it.

 

Abuse happens to people in many different ways. Some very successful and confident people are abused because they cannot admit to themselves that this is abuse - it contradicts with their sense of self. Some middle-class or upper-class people are abused because they think it only happens to some other, more disadvantaged people and are embarrassed to admit it to their social circle. Some very rational people are abused because they hold the mistaken belief that if they can get their point across, the abuser will understand and stop. Some men are abused and don't realize that it is abuse because of gender roles and stereotypes. The effect is always the same, abuse erodes self-confidence and people end up with low self esteem. If there is something that made you prone to this, more or less everyone has something that makes them prone to it actually. Abuse evolves slowly and at first, even marital counselors etc may miss it.

 

It's courageous of you to look into yourself and it's wonderful for your healing. But do not see any of your "weaknesses" as you see them as excuses or explanations for an abuser's behaviour. We are all human, we all have those things. That doesn't give anyone the right to treat us the way we were treated.

 

My thoughts are with you,

[StillBreathing]

You were abused! How is that even a question?

 

It's easy to spot in other people but really hard to recognize in yourself (at least for me). Thanks for responding.

[StillBreathing]

DancingFool, Thank you so much for your response. You explained it perfectly, and the rules you outlined are an excellent idea too. While they may not apply to everyone, I think they are a must for people who have been abused. I'm afraid of ending up in the same situation someday and I am more than happy to take every precaution against that happening! Thanks again for your help.

[moodindigo91]

Of the 10 things you listed, the first 9 are categorically abuse.

 

And number 10 is a sure sign of him needing to have CONTROL. Which is a main reason why abusers abuse in the first place, to exercise control over you.