It is wrong to get sexually involved before dating someone?

[SooSad33]

I keep reading about how sex before 'dating' is not a good thing to do. Not sure why though?

Until lately, I didn't know it made a difference in things?

 

So, if anyone has anything to offer why it isn't a good thing to have sex before you've been dating, would help.

 

thanks.

[Clinton]

There is no hard and fast rule about intimacy before commitment. Usually, it's not a good thing as you don't know if they are really interested if they don't put in the time. But I have seen it work long term. It's really an individual decision.

[Wiseman2]

A one night stands or no strings sex is fine. However there should be no regrets or expectations.

[rosephase]

As long as you and the person you are sleeping with, don't believe that number of sexual partners devalues a woman's vagina, its fine.

 

Some men and women believe that having sex with a certain number of people makes women less desirable and less valuable. Which is a sexist crock. But if you believe that or the person you are sleeping with believes that it could be a lame encounter if it doesn't lead to a relationship. It can lead to people feel "used" for sex. Which is never a good feeling.

 

Some people need a guarantee that they are being sexual monogamous in order to sleep with someone (not that there is ever a guarantee). Having sex with someone before you are in a relationship could mean that you or your partner are also sleeping with other people concurrently. And that freaks some folks out.

 

Personally I think sex is a fun and enjoyable activity and when I was single I was happy to have sex with people I wasn't in a relationship with. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but that didn't mean that I didn't have a strong physical desire to have sex. There is still a lot of social stigma around women and sex and that pressure can be uncomfortable for some people.

 

Personally? I don't know how the hell you can know you want to be in a relationship with someone until you know what the sex is like.

[Robin2904]

It's only wrong if you feel it is. People will make the argument not to have sex before getting into a relationship so you can weed out people who just want sex, or for some who are more old fashioned they feel like it will make you look 'easy' and less likely to attract a long term mate.

 

I don't really agree with either of those. If someone is into you they'll stick around regardless and if you're both into each other there's no harm in enjoying sex before being official. I would say to make sure both parties are on the same page as far as what you want (casual dating, hookup, relationship) so there are no surprises.

[j.man]

Are they adults?

Do they consent (without coercion)?

 

If yes to both, as far as I'm concerned,there's no "wrong." Whether or not it's conducive do your dating goals is a whole other matter subject to the individual.

[Moontiger]

This completely depends on your personality and what you are looking for. Even then, there are no hard and fast rules.

 

Generally speaking having sex before commitment can be a risk since the other person might time you less seriously as a long term romantic partner.

 

Edit: objectively it's not wrong. Subjectively, it depends on the person.

[greta96]

I don't think it's *wrong*. It's not smart, if what you're looking for is a serious relationship, although there have been cases where relationships ensued after one night stands (rare though).

 

For me personally, I wouldn't get sexually involved with a guy before dating him for the simple reason that I don't know him from Adam, and my body doesn't just open up at the mere sight of a penis. I need way more to get excited/turned on by someone, and most of it is mental. It's hard to explain, I just don't have sexual impulses/attraction towards strangers or guys I barely know.

 

And yes, a lot of men have double standards. They expect women to have sex with them quickly and with little to no effort on their part, but when it comes to committing and marriage, they will choose the woman who doesn't put out easily. I will admit that I do understand the reasoning behind this, as I too prefer someone who has standards and wouldn't jump in bed with just anyone.

 

I absolutely don't see anything wrong with exercising a bit of self restraint and first getting to know someone relatively well before letting them inside their bodies. It makes for a much better experience that's for sure.

[TMifune]

I'm just going to leave a quote:

 

“I'm not an advocate of promiscuity; but then I'm also not an advocate of being virginal. It's not like I put virginity or celibacy on a pedestal, and as long as I don't get your promiscuity rubbed into my face— I don't care about it! What I do care about is the ability to recognize the sanctity of a union of two souls— you just can't say your soul isn't being united with others' when you have sex with them. So I think you'd better own up to what you're doing— no matter how frequently or infrequently or with how many different people you do it. I mean, make good choices! You are, after all, entwining your soul with another's.” --- C. JoyBell C.

[Seraphim]

I just personally don't see the point in having sex with somebody I don't know from a hole in the wall . However I feel what other people do is their own business.

[ParisPaulette]

It's not wrong, BUT most of the time things do not work out. The reason for that is by having sex with someone right off the bat you are seriously rolling the dice that they are not only interested in you for the sex, rather than being interested in you as a long-term partner and someone they genuinely want in their life for other reasons than "just sex." And by having sex right off the bat there's no time to weed out anyone who looking for a quick lay, may not be practicing safe sex, or worse has serious issues that you don't find out about until later down the road. You know, after the sex stops.

 

My guess is you won't date at all, there will always be an "excuse" why you can't go out. But sex, well that'll always be okay no matter what or when. It's a little late to unring that bell once it's been rung, so to speak.

 

All you can do now is see if they genuinely date you and can have a relationship with you beyond just turning it back to sex all the time. Maybe you can state you feel the whole thing got off on the wrong foot, so there'll be no sex now for at least the next long while until you both get to know each other. That should sort out quickly whether there's any interest in you or just your lady bits.

 

P.S. Keep in mind the other really good, true, reason for not having sex before you know someone is well, you don't know them. Way too many people jump into something only to find the other person has serious issues or worse, and now they're in over their heads with someone they'd have run from if they'd taken the time to have a few deep conversations and get to know who and what this person is before getting naked.

 

In all honesty I'm a bigger fan of one-night stands if sex right off the bat is what you want. Far less complicated, and you don't find yourself now full on dating or in a relationship with someone you wish you'd never set eyes on in the first place. It's a lot easier to extricate yourself, and fast, if you find out they are not someone you really want in your life before you get naked with them.

 

Just my thoughts on it. It's not wrong, but it is a bit foolish and risky.

[Sportster2005]

I think that's a tough one. A friend of mine made a guy wait 6 weeks to make sure he was serious. Turned out he was horrible in bed, and she had to dump him.

 

Personally I'm in no rush. I let the woman lead. I did date someone for a while after we had sex on the 2nd date. She was a bit of a nympho, I really didn't see the problem. She was a decent gal, loyal, sweet, just had a huge sex drive. Some days I still miss her.

[Brokenheart99]

There's no right or wrong, it's just what you can handle emotionally. If you can have sex, no strings attached and not expect anything and not get hurt and it's enjoyable to you, then great. Do what makes you happy. But for a lot of people, sex comes with expectations, feelings and the "what does this mean" question which can be confusing and painful if feelings aren't reciprocated. In which case, then maybe sex before dating isn't such a great idea.

[IAmFCA]

I have an enormous sex drive, and it's a real pain in the neck to manage. From that perspective, understand that I am virtually re-virginated these days. I am finally serious about getting serious, and I am just not interested in anyone enough to let him distract me, become exclusive, or get emotionally attached. If I sex him up, it will just feel worse when I dump him. And if I attach, it will feel worse when he dumps me. As a result, I am playing the field in a chaste way. Am glad of it. I have learned how to form intimate attachments, and now that I have, the sex part is of no interest till I find a worthy partner. (And yes. Sometimes, that is very very difficult to manage.)

 

When I dated a man who held me off for a year, he was awful. He came up to speed a bit, but I had to dump him. Other things became disagreeable as I got to see him more Cleary and as he dropped his veneer.ANYWAY, that was ok.

 

My test question to myself is "Am I doing what I want, right this minute? Is it consistent with where i am going?" If yes to both, then waiting or dropping trou both are agreeable choices.

[Movingforward3]

This is a question only you can answer. We all define it a bit differently. My preference is that I want a connection with the person prior to sex. Some chemistry, some romance, and some fun. Everyone is happy and if something more develops great, if not hopefully we had some great sex!

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. Once I figured out that I bond through sex, it became really important to me to get to know a person well enough to decide whether he is someone with whom I would WANT to bond.

 

Sleeping first and asking questions later isn't a good strategy for me.

[Quidam]

Met the love of my life after a one night stand... Night was mind blowing we had our first date two days later... She gave me a daughter 5 years later.

 

Sex is 60% of a relation in my book... If the bond is strong than the relation can grow