Vacation photos somewhat turned me off...

[Krankor]

I feel bad and shallow posting this, but...

 

So I've been seeing this woman who's nine years older than me. I had a little sexual fling with her a few years back and recently rekindled things with her. Things have started going really, really well and are progressing nicely and have turned very physical again.

 

However, she recently returned home from a trip to Mexico. While there, she took a few selfies on the beach and posted them on FB and also sent them to me. They weren't terribly flattering photos to be honest, and the sunlight kind of brought out her age. There is one photo of her indoors that she sent that I love; that looks like the woman I pursued. Pretty with a smile that would like up any room. But the other photos just weren't very good. Honestly, I've noticed that for some strange reason this woman--who is quite attractive, and I'm not the only one who thinks so--tends not to photograph well.

 

I feel horrible for saying this, but those pictures for some reason are stuck in my head and have slightly turned me off to her. When I see her in person, I think she looks great, but then the image of those pics creep into my mind. I really like her a lot as a person and am attracted to who she is and her personality, but I am also attracted to her physically, but these pics have lessened that somewhat and I really don't know why and don't like what this says about me as a person.

 

She was over yesterday and out of the blue asked "What worries me about you?" It was just a general question, not based on anything that had happened. I passed on the question for the moment but asked her the same. She said "I'm worried that I'm too old for you, and that in the next several years I'm going to age and you aren't going to be attracted to me anymore." I reassured her that I don't see this happening but in the back of my mind I was worried that she may be right.

[Seraphim]

If you really liked her would her not being photogenic really bother you? Probably not. So most likely the liking is superficial.

[Gloworm]

Let this lovely woman find a man who truly excepts her. Move on.

[Krankor]

Victoria 66 and Gloworm; Honestly, I'm in love with this woman and have been for a while now. I think she's beautiful both inside and out. That's why I don't understand where this stupid shallow reaction is coming from. Those pictures don't even look like her. I don't want to give her up, I just want to squelch this stupid side of me.

[Realitynut]

My sister got married for the first time 5 years ago. She was 48 at the time. He is 6 years older...my age. ugh

 

She was telling me the other day, that he sends her pics that are so unflattering, that it turns her off!!! This is her husband that she LOVES. She says, when they lay in bed, that at times she really likes the way he looks, but the way he takes his selfies....ugh.

 

I almost died laughing, when she said it was 'turning' her off sexually...so she told him to stop sending her selfies! lol

 

Listen...I had a bf who I thought was drop dead gorgeous. But every once in a while...I'd think.....shoot he doesn't look all that 'hot' right now.

 

Hells bells....I know that I look like CRAP 80% off the time. I'm getting older, and my weight fluctuates. I hate my fat chin. My legs are now saggy. It's called LIFE.

 

When you are with her, and you find her attractive...what more do you want? Yes...you are being superficial.

 

If you decide you DO want to be with her full time...forever....realize that she is going to age...and so are you.

 

The more important thing to ask yourself is....how is her CHARACTER?

 

And then ask yourself the same question....if YOU are good enough for HER!

 

Edit: I saw your last post.

 

We all have these moments when we think our SO or spouse aren't looking all that attractive. But we don't dwell on it. I'm sure they think the same of us. Heck...one time my now ex was picking up his underwear on the floor while he was naked....and I thought he looked like a white gorilla!!! lol. It happens. Embrace the aging process...and don't let a good woman get away because of your superficial moment of.....she looks old in that pic.

[Massari]

Victoria 66 and Gloworm; Honestly, I'm in love with this woman and have been for a while now. I think she's beautiful both inside and out. That's why I don't understand where this stupid shallow reaction is coming from. .

 

Are you sure you love her? I am not love expert myself been hurt too many times from one way love, but I do know when I love someone no matter what or how they look, they look lovely to me. This is not a stupid reaction non the less, this is a logical response from you perhaps, maybe you are coming to realize that you don't want be with someone who is 9 years older then you.

[Seraphim]

That is why I question it is real love. I know if I saw a bad picture of my husband I wouldn't be turned off. I would just think oh well everybody takes an unflattering picture now and again .

[j.man]

I've had a couple opportunities to date women who were more than a couple years older than me. I'll be completely honest and say that while they were in their 40s and incredibly attractive, I did have to think about if attraction would be an issue 15, 10, or even 5 years down the line. I'd have no problem keeping things light and fun in the meantime, but it is a long-term consideration. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I expect to be immune to wear and tear down the road, but it is sort of a "different stages of life" dynamic to consider. I'd love to think I'd overlook it, but it's not something I want to test.

 

I'm also not a huge fan of girlfriends taking selfies and sending them to me. It's kinda shrug-worthy. Of course it's not a big deal and I'll entertain them just to be a decent boyfriend, but I could easily do without.

[Realitynut]

BTW....most the people I know....(older) the woman looks way better than the man! I don't know why, unless the fact that they can color their hair, and put on makeup, but my findings are...men age WORSE than women!

 

So if we women are suppose to date and marry men OUR age...or older, but not let the fact they look OLD, lest we appear shallow....

 

Then what about you men? Shouldn't you be able to date women your age, or older, and let the aging process happen naturally....lest YOU appear shallow?

 

No wonder women are always having cosmetic surgery done.....lol

[Krankor]

May be turned off isn't the correct phrase. May be weirded out is better. My mood still lifts whenever I see her and I love spending time with her. I just don't understand how someone so pretty could take such a bad picture that doesn't even look anything like her. Maybe it's a stupid concern but for some reason it just has me weirded out.

[Seraphim]

Just because somebody is beautiful doesn't mean they are photogenic .

[Realitynut]

What Victoria said! I am super gorgeous.....I just take horrible pictures!!!

[missmarple]

You're not in love with her. You like her looks and her personality, yes, but you're not in love. If you were in love, you wouldn't have any reaction to her bad pics at all...much less post a thread about them. When I saw the title of your thread I thought it would be about someone you've been on a couple of dates with...not someone you claim you love.

[Birdie]

Honestly....I think the chase is over and the thrill of this relationship is fading. You suddenly wanted her three years after your fling when she was unavailable and attached to someone else, and now that she's "yours" it isn't exciting anymore so you're losing that rush you once had.

[sara-pezzini]

Well are you dating and being sexual and in love with her or with her picture?

[Realitynut]

Well....like I said, my sister claims she is in love with her husband, but his pics were 'turning her off sexually'. But they have the same values and would NEVER get divorced. It's called commitment. She did complain that he's 'moody' also. lol

 

Maybe she's not that crazy in love anymore either! She was use to being independent, and now having a husband who takes ugly pictures.....the HORRORS are just now starting to set in!

 

I think Kankor just saw the ugly picture, had a bad reaction....and wondered if his 'reaction' of YIKES had a deeper meaning, than just YIKES.

 

Kankor, if she's beautiful to you in person....and she is wonderful....just go with that. Wrap your brain around the fact that she is 9 years older. Women outlive men anyway.

This just evens the playing field.

 

Date her, enjoy her. No relationship has the promise of 'forever' stamped on it. I've found that out the hard way...

[Ms Darcy]

Do you feel something is off about your feelings for her if you feel so weirded out by her less-than-quality pictures?

 

I think the bigger question for you is if you are still going to be attracted to her in 5 years ... she'll be in her 40s then right? She's really going to start looking older in a few years.

[ParisPaulette]

As someone who is a photographer, at least an amateur one anyways, I will tell you that some people simply are not photogenic. And then there are other people who are not that attractive in person and yet the camera loves them. It has to do with planes and angles of something and how the shadows and light play off of those forms. This is why if you ever talk to someone who knows photography at all you'll find they chase the right light and shadow proportions with the same sort of intensity the rest of us might pursue a lover--that blend of light, shadow, angles, colors, it all has to be just so to take a good/great/breathtaking photograph.

 

If you'd ever met some models or actresses or actors without their makeup on in the light of day you'd understand why you can walk right past them and not recognize them OR you look at them and think, "Now she looks a bit odd, doesn't she?"

 

That adage about the camera loving some and not others, yeah that's what that's about. I have cousins who are identical twins. One of them looks gorgeous in her photos no matter what, the other twin...not so much. And it has entirely to do with there are just subtle enough differences between the structures of their faces to make a difference in how light and shadow in a photograph interact.

 

Your lady's selfies are most likely not due to the fact she's not beautiful or will age badly, it's more likely there's a distortion with the shadow and light on her features. I mean, it's the beach, the water is a giant reflector that brings out the worst in everything if you're trying to photograph in the middle of the day. Why do you think photographers wait until early morning or late afternoon/sunset to do their photo shoots on the beach with the pretty models? It isn't that it's warmer or cooler, the light is better, more flattering, smoother.

 

Same thing with younger skin versus older skin, it's smoother, plumper, a better surface to reflect light. Younger people take better photographs, because of the surface interplay between smoother plumper skin and the light. Why do you think many modeling agencies want their models to be young?

 

So take that idea of that a photograph is really representative of a person at all beyond a brief instant caught on camera that may or may not be flattering given a whole world of issues that have nothing to do with how a person looks. And yes everyone takes bad photos. EVERYONE! Or haven't you seen the Hugh Jackman pics where he's running through the surf making total derp faces? Or Beyonce? Remember, Ms. Drop Dead Gorgeous who became an Internet meme after her publicist asked for unflattering pics of her to be taken down?

 

If those two can take bad pics then why on earth would anyone think the likes of us mere mortals couldn't too?

[notalady]

Do you feel something is off about your feelings for her if you feel so weirded out by her less-than-quality pictures?

 

I think the bigger question for you is if you are still going to be attracted to her in 5 years ... she'll be in her 40s then right? She's really going to start looking older in a few years.

 

Yep I feel this is the key issue. I think the photos may have brought out concerns for you, so in 5-10 years when she'll be showing more visible aging, will you no longer find her attractive and lose interest? She's clearly worried about the same thing.

[ParisPaulette]

Also here's a thought, in 5-10 years you won't be as attractive either. Are you or her worried about that? Because you should be if this is based on looks. Men do not typically age well unless one is George Clooney or Sam Elliot. (My hubs is older and looks like Sam Elliot on his best days, but lord that man was a looker when he was younger. Same could be said for me.) And yet here we are happy together although neither of us is a day under 50, (cough) (cough)

 

Trust me, in 5 to 10 years only the shallowest of the shallow will be going, "Oh, I need someone young and pretty." More likely you'll be grateful if you can still walk past teenagers and not have them laugh and point and talk about how ancient some people get. And I mean that sincerely. My son's girlfriend gasped when she found out how old I was and said, 'But, but, you still look good sometimes." (Thanks kiddo. Nothing like a blunt comment to bring one down to earth.)

 

So just possibly dwell on that in the midst of all of this. Women can do plastic surgery (not well) and a multitude of things to remain looking good, the same is not usually said for men. And I'm not trying to be mean here, but we are the prettier species of the two genders simply by weight of genetics. Sorry, but it does take more than looks if you don't want to stay locked into a past while trying to deny you're getting older every day too.

 

Just saying, if she looks good and isn't photogenic she is way ahead of the game on some already. We all grow old, if we do it together and gracefully, that's really all we can ask for. Besides growing old beats the alternative all to hell.

[Sarah691607309662]

You plainly do not like the idea that she is 10 years older. And it is a problem to you. you are not ready to break up and this is why you are unhappy.

 

The reason why you are with this woman is totally because she is charming, intelligent, sexy, attractive ad because OTHER people find her interesting. She flatters you. And that what makes you say "I am in love".

 

She is just a light that makes you feel special. But you are afraid that soon she might be not so complimentary for you.

 

Your fear "how it reflects on" you as a person is also self-absorbed. I'd say - leave a woman alone and find yourself!

[LoveSoDeep]

So she's not photogenic or her selfie taking skills are lacking (that describes me to a T)....if that's enough to make you question how you feel about her then nothing we say is going to change that. She probably knows her selfies aren't great, but she's trying to share the experience with you. She's likely not looking for you to be turned on by the photos she's just sharing her experience with him.

 

If you don't want to feel this way try looking at the pics in a different light. Try telling yourself something more like "She is having so much fun in that picture I wish I was there with her to see that smile in person."

[Batya33]

I got weirded out about that once with an ex bf and the funny thing was, my friend sent me the photo (a photo of us together) because she thought we looked very in love/together. I think it was shallow on my part and I know I wouldn't be weirded out that way if I saw a bad photo of my husband -I'd react like Victoria, more matter of fact (but no I would not want him to use a bad photo of me or him to show people or frame, etc -why when there are so many options?)

[j.man]

Also here's a thought, in 5-10 years you won't be as attractive either. Are you or her worried about that? Because you should be if this is based on looks. Men do not typically age well unless one is George Clooney or Sam Elliot. (My hubs is older and looks like Sam Elliot on his best days, but lord that man was a looker when he was younger. Same could be said for me.) And yet here we are happy together although neither of us is a day under 50, (cough) (cough)

 

Trust me, in 5 to 10 years only the shallowest of the shallow will be going, "Oh, I need someone young and pretty." More likely you'll be grateful if you can still walk past teenagers and not have them laugh and point and talk about how ancient some people get. And I mean that sincerely. My son's girlfriend gasped when she found out how old I was and said, 'But, but, you still look good sometimes." (Thanks kiddo. Nothing like a blunt comment to bring one down to earth.)

 

So just possibly dwell on that in the midst of all of this. Women can do plastic surgery (not well) and a multitude of things to remain looking good, the same is not usually said for men. And I'm not trying to be mean here, but we are the prettier species of the two genders simply by weight of genetics. Sorry, but it does take more than looks if you don't want to stay locked into a past while trying to deny you're getting older every day too.

 

Just saying, if she looks good and isn't photogenic she is way ahead of the game on some already. We all grow old, if we do it together and gracefully, that's really all we can ask for. Besides growing old beats the alternative all to hell.

Thing is there's a difference between both partners entering their 50s and 60s as a joint venture, enduring all the physical "maturity" that comes with it and one being in their 30s or 40s while the other enters that stage of life. If that's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker and it's not really helpful to put it in a context of, "well, someday I'll age, too," when that amount of aging isn't bound for another 10+ years. If the OP is concerned about not being attracted to her, then he should focus on that reality and ask himself if this is something he should be continuing to pursue knowing it will only get "worse" (lack of a better term) as time goes by.

 

It's really not a concept exclusive to age disparity, either. Generally speaking, it takes a level of shared experience to gain the capability of being attracted to what are generally considered less aesthetically appealing characteristics. This woman will continue to age and show signs of it. Of course, he will, too, but we can't pretend that aging into your 30s and 40s is the same aesthetic as doing so into our 50s and 60s (exceptions of course apply).

 

If a man is going to date an older woman in any sort of serious capacity, he needs to really think about the fact she will eventually age past the "MILF" stage, and that's really where you're going to be figuring out if you've got real love and commitment for them.

 

I will also disagree with women aging better than men. I think we age differently, but not necessarily any better or worse. Women are generally brought up to take much better care of their skin, particularly with moisturizing. They of course tend to wrinkle a bit later than men. They also have makeup which helps mask a good bit of the aging process. However, wrinkles do carry a certain "rough" attribute that many, many women consider attractive. There's also no shortage of women who pine for the "salt and pepper" look. Men are also more likely to maintain a higher level of physical fitness into middle age.

 

It's all different strokes for different folks, but I don't think the OP would be doing himself or his girlfriend any good trying to fast forward his brain 10 years when the fact of the matter is he's still got those 10 years to go.

[itsallgrand]

This is one of the reasons I've always preferred men my own age. It's not that I don't ever find men older than myself, or younger for that matter, attractive. But being contemporaries in the same stage of life makes things so much easier. Shared history, going through a lot of the same things together- including rude wake ups about our physical age - we can talk about it openly and laugh.

 

I think you are just becoming aware of your age differences. You've noticed it now, why not talk about it openly?! You say you love her... Is this someone you see going the distance with??