Boyfriend and I discuss moving in together

[Moontiger]

Posting from phone so apologies for misspellings etc.

 

"Bruce" and I have been dating for about 8 months. I'm finishing grad school, working an internship and looking for permeant employment. He's been at his job for a few years and loves it.

 

We fell hard and fast and many people who know us well have commented on how good we are for each other and how well we work together.

 

I've been having trouble finding work (tough field I'm in) and my internship is coming to an end (they provide housing). My plan was to go back home (two states away) if I didn't find anything. Now though, Bruce has offered for me to move in with him. I told him I would only feel comfortable doing that if I had a job.

 

I just have so many emotions going on in my head right now. I needed to share and see what others think.

[Sportster2005]

I think it's irresponsible of your bf to offer to move you in when you're unemployed. It's a noble gesture, but it shows poor judgement and/or naivety. Eight months isn't that long.

[lostandhurt]

But what about the dog that poops every time you two have sex?

 

Listen 8 months is pretty fast to move in together but I know people that got married after weeks together so who is anyone to judge.

 

How many days in a row have you stayed at his place? Visiting is one thing when you have a place to escape to but when you live together it is totally different.

 

I assume you want to get a job where he lives and not back home right? Well living there will make that easier so that is a Pro.

If you haven't spent at least a week together non stop then there are a lot of unknowns so that is a Con.

 

I give the guy credit for stepping up. At least you know he is not afraid of commitment and sees a life with you in his future so that should be a good feeling right?

 

I am curious how long most people think you should date before moving in together and also how long most people actually waited.

 

Lost

[and so it goes]

I'm in the "give it a shot" camp.

 

You two aren't impulsive teenagers afterall and you seem to be a good match. He sounds generous and stable - good men are hard to find. I'd be concerned if you had to move 2 states away...might adversely affect your relationship some (or not, who knows really)

 

Certainly have a good heart to heart chat regarding hopes/expectations, concerns and possible challenges etc before moving in though. It's good to have it all out in the open. I mean, there will be some issues that will arise for sure.

 

side note: Your signature line is a direct quote from the article that is mentioned in MY signature! Small world.

[journeynow]

Is his an offer to support you financially? For how long, if you can't find a job? Is this a step of commitment, or helping out temporarily? If you don't accept, will he take it as a huge rejection?

 

One more question: does he rent or own?

[Batya33]

If the purpose is only or mostly financial I would not do it. Also what would your goals be in general if you lived with someone before marriage or engagement? What are his?

[itsallgrand]

Have you two discussed living together prior to this?

 

My main question first would be do you want to add this financial aspect to the decision to move in together or no? For me it would be no, so the decision would be easy.

 

I really think that is the only thing you need to decide at this point. The rest - do you want to live with him, are you ready, what does it mean for you two, where is this relationship headed, all of that, can be sorted out separately.

 

If you are ready for the idea of living with him, you could let him know how happy his offering has made you, and make some proposals of your own. Counter negotiations. Get the ball rolling on how the details will flesh out.

 

I guess my main point is because he offered, doesn't mean you have to do it this way. Or at all. First thing I would do is clarify with him what this offering all means from his end. Get more info.

[DancingFool]

Agree with everyone else that you need more info.

What does this mean to him? What is his motivation? What happens when a year from now you still don't have a job (hopefully that's not the case, but....need to discuss extremes) What are your options if your relationship tanks abruptly shortly after moving in. What's the exit plan? Again you might not like to think exit plan, but you really do need to have one especially when your finances are not stable or even nonexistent.

 

Assuming the above questions all get resolved, then make sure you actually are both clear on day to day expectations for mundane things like housekeeping and how that would change once you do get a job. Relationships rarely fall apart over big grand things, they tear apart over that kind of daily mundane stuff. So make sure you are both able to talk through all that and actually execute what you discuss. Remember that words are cheap, actions matter.

[Ms Darcy]

>>>I told him I would only feel comfortable doing that if I had a job.

 

I think this is actually REALLY simple dear. NO.

 

Your heart wants to stay with him, you are in LOOVE, and you are moving towards living outside of your boundaries.

 

But you don't have a job. You NEED to get a job. Now, if this was your husband, or even fiance, moving in makes sense. But there is no information about the future and you know better than most how making major life decisions based on emotions before really thinking things through is unwise.

 

Hope this helps ...

[Moontiger]

Thank you for all the responses. I'll try and respond to everything/supply more information.

 

The topic of moving in together came up first about two months ago. But only in a passing way, I was very clear that I felt it was too soon at that point. I have savings so I would not be living off of him (I would not be at all comfortable with that). And, while the discussion did not get to this level of detail, I can only see moving in with him if I do contribute to the household expensive (hence, my instances on having a job before I move in with him). We have discussed the big topics: kids, where we want to end up living, politics, etc. I have an interview for a part-time job in my field on Thursday and told Bruce we can discuss me moving in after I see how that goes (also, if I'm still in the area in the spring there is a part-time job open where I'm currently interning which my boss has told is mine if I want it).

 

Also, I am currently in therapy and my therapist has commented on what a good, stable guy he is and how healthy our relationship is.

 

Other possible relevent information: He has a full-time job, is divorced (over 2 years ago), has been in therapy for over year.

 

I hope that helps give a fuller picture of what is going on.

 

EDIT: By contiubting to the expenses I mean paying 50% of the rent and cover the groceries. As he would be making more money then me I think that would be fair but I would need to discuss it with him onviously to see if he agrees.

[Ms Darcy]

I would say you have two main questions to sift through:

 

1. Can you afford to live with him?

2. What's the end goal in living together?

 

1. With your part-time job, would you be able to cover 50% of the rent and groceries without going into savings? I'd suggest you work out a comprehensive budget. My husband and I recently did this and while it's time consuming, it's very helpful for understanding other regular costs that you don't normally think of (transportation costs, costs of gifts, student loans, other loans, credit card bills, home repair and maintenance, pet expenses etc.)

 

2. What's the point of living together? I wouldn't move-in without having an end-goal. But if you are moving in to "see where things go" I would have a concrete boundary around that. Because if you eventually decide you want marriage, he may prefer the live-in thing more and then you will have much bigger issues.

[abitbroken]

I vote no.

 

I would start looking for a job now, before my internship was up. If I couldn't find something by the time it is up, I would look for any type of job you could get where you could afford to rent a room or move in with a couple female roommates, or I would move back home to my parents and visit your guy a few times a month while you went to interviews in you current city. If the relationship is a good one, it will survive being temporarily long distance, or commuting a bit, or with a new crazy schedule you might have.

[mhowe]

My brother and his gf had dated for a few years. She lost her job after almost 20 years with the company after a reorg. She was actually in the process of building a home within a 15 min. of my brothers' (previously lived an hour away). This was due to her still having a 19 yr old son living with her.

 

There was no offer for her to move in. She found a job a few states away...and bought a home. My brother and she commuted weekends for 2 years to continue the relationship. When she moved back, and moved in with my brother, it was with the intention of getting engaged. They were married last year.

 

Moving in out of financial convenience, before the relationship has reached the "organic" next step --- is not a great idea and usually marks the beginning of the end.

[DancingFool]

The issue here is not so much about you paying your share as moving in together out of necessity rather than as the next natural step in your relationship. To put it another way, would you be talking about moving in if you were established in your own place? Probably not at this stage, right?

 

So, going from that, I'd say concentrate on getting a job. Find a room to rent or roommate arrangement and don't move in until you are both genuinely ready for that next step and clear about what it means to you both. Don't move in out of necessity even if you would be paying half the rent.

[Moontiger]

Quick update: I got the job.

 

I've also been discussing this with several close friends (and my therapist) about Bruce and I moving in together. I can honestly say that I do think this is a natural next step in our relationship. Today he a and I had a breif talk about and are planning a more indepth/serious discussion this weekend.

 

I'll let you all know how that goes.

[mhowe]

Congrats on the job!

 

If its the next organic step, fine. Just make sure you are t rushing it. You can always get an apartment for a year and live separate. Living together is a big change from dating and weekend sleepovers.

[Batya33]

Quick update: I got the job.

 

I've also been discussing this with several close friends (and my therapist) about Bruce and I moving in together. I can honestly say that I do think this is a natural next step in our relationship. Today he a and I had a breif talk about and are planning a more indepth/serious discussion this weekend.

 

I'll let you all know how that goes.

 

Congrats and good luck! Why do you think sharing physical space is important to progressing in your relationship? Do you think it is a typical "next step" or in your particular case you want to share space prior to getting engaged? (I never lived with anyone prior to marriage, never saw it as a next step or a step).

[j.man]

My girlfriend had to move to NYC to finish her residency. I didn't know if we'd do long distance, so I told her I'd visit her for a little bit and we'd make a decision (that was most likely going to "no"). I ended up lucking out and getting offered a position that paid double what I made in Oregon (even accounting for cost-of-living). We'd been dating a year at the time and she asked me if I'd like to live with her. Bear in mind the agency I got a contract with paid $55/hr. and I had a pretty good nest egg together. I still said I'd rather not. For one, I think even a year is too soon, but that's a personal thing. For another, I would never take on the financial responsibility with a partner without having security-- not just in the bank account, but in the job itself. Savings run dry, and the only thing worse than a partner without a job is a partner without a job who's dependent on you.

 

It just sets the relationship up for a level of potential financial stress that there really shouldn't be a rush to get to. Her and I have since moved in with each other, but after another year of living separately.

 

I'd of course trust you to gauge your own relationship readiness better than I could, but even just trying to find a place to sublet for a few months while you get traction in the new job before doing the move-in with him would be very beneficial, I think.

[Ms Darcy]

Congrats on the job!

 

Just keep in mind for the conversation, 8 months ... your relationship could end at some point in the future. Are you prepared for the challenges of a break up with someone you have to live with until other arrangements can be made?

[Fudgie]

I was going to caution you against it until I saw that you updated and said that you had the job. If you feel it's right, go for it. I lived with my ex and moving out in a physical and financial sense when the relationship ended was the easy part. Emotionally, it was tough. I think I would just discuss with him what you guys want together in the future but hey, go for it if you both feel it's right.

[lostandhurt]

Well done and getting that job!

 

We don't always get to pick the time frame things happen in our lives and we have to trust our gut feelings.

 

No matter what you choose to do I think you both are going about this in a very good way and I will be happy for you.

 

Lost

[Ms Darcy]

I have an interview for a part-time job in my field on Thursday and told Bruce we can discuss me moving in after I see how that goes (also, if I'm still in the area in the spring there is a part-time job open where I'm currently interning which my boss has told is mine if I want it).

 

I wanted to go back to this briefly. Is the part-time job you got enough to cover expenses or will you keep needing to look for another job?

 

Also, you said you feel like this is the "natural next step." Are you saying a step towards marriage (some people mean it as that) or as a higher level of commitment and you don't have any interests or goals towards marriage?

[reinventmyself]

Congrats on the job!

 

Personally, I would only move in with someone because it was solely the next well thought out step in the process of the relationship and not based on any economical or logistical reasons. I think 8 mo's is a little soon, but that's me.

 

Now that you have the job. . others have already posted questions so I won't repeat, it does change things a little.

 

You definitely have a great list of questions of you choose to ask them.

I think covering all what if's and scenarios is critical here.

Good luck to you!

[abitbroken]

Quick update: I got the job.

 

I've also been discussing this with several close friends (and my therapist) about Bruce and I moving in together. I can honestly say that I do think this is a natural next step in our relationship. Today he a and I had a breif talk about and are planning a more indepth/serious discussion this weekend.

 

I'll let you all know how that goes.

 

I would still wait. And I would decide what your end game is before moving in. Do you see yourself marrying this man? If marriage is both your goal, then don't move in right away. There is no rush. get to know him even better. Meet relatives who you have not met yet, get settled in your job. When someone says moving in is the next natural step - natural step to what? 8 months to the 2 year mark is when people start to relax in the relationship - the timing is different for everyone. If you love him - 6 more months or a year of not living together will have no negative impact. you need to also thoroughly understand and know his true view about marriage and kids and see if they match up - not just what was said in the first couple weeks of dating.

[j.man]

I would still wait. And I would decide what your end game is before moving in. Do you see yourself marrying this man? If marriage is both your goal, then don't move in right away. There is no rush. get to know him even better. Meet relatives who you have not met yet, get settled in your job. When someone says moving in is the next natural step - natural step to what? 8 months to the 2 year mark is when people start to relax in the relationship - the timing is different for everyone. If you love him - 6 more months or a year of not living together will have no negative impact. you need to also thoroughly understand and know his true view about marriage and kids and see if they match up - not just what was said in the first couple weeks of dating.

I agree with this. A whole lot of weight is put behind the 1-year benchmark, and then people use that as an excuse to put more stock than is deserved in the months leading up to it because, hey, it's pretty much close enough.

 

The quality of my relationships went through the roof when I started putting more time into the independent phase of the relationship. Knowing how to be happy together living apart is an awesome way of making the move to live in together with a healthy sense of space in tact.

 

Ultimately, I do firmly believe that you don't truly know your partner before you've lived with them (why I'd never marry without cohabiting first), but there's plenty to learn outside of that.