Is my bf an ?

[fundaygirl]

So my bf (male, 30) and I (female, 26) got into a huge fight tonight. We went to a local bar; had some food and a few drinks, everything was going good. Then, we started talking about our jobs, and all hell broke loose. You see, I’m working a job that doesn’t pay me much and am looking to get out of it; I’ve applied for a couple jobs recently and I’m hoping to hear back from them. He basically dismissed my concern and opinions when I tried to explain to him that a good paying job was hard to come by (especially for someone like me; high school degree, only a couple years’ worth of college, experience in mostly customer service jobs etc.) I tried talking to him in a calmly manner but he just told me, in a very serious tone, to “SHUT THE UP!” Naturally I felt completely disrespected by this. I was only trying to convey that, as someone who has been self-employed for the past 5 years, he doesn’t seem to comprehend that it takes more effort for an average, non-self-employed person to get a good job. He dismissed me by basically claiming that I wasn’t trying hard enough; even comparing me to one of his loser friend’s that can barely keep a job for 3 months. I tried to ignore it and even drank more to keep going; to keep from popping off, but it wasn’t any use. When I drove him home it got worse. By this time I was livid. Needless to say, we exchanged heated words. It got so bad that he screamed in my face, and not only stormed out of my car, but proceeded to PUNCH the passenger side window several times and KICK my car door as well. I was shocked to be honest. He’s gotten angry and even acted out violently like that before (albeit his own car not mine, and keep in mind, my car is almost 20 years old and fragile, and he KNOWS that!) Then I tried to calm him down but all he did was threaten to call the police. Now I fully admit that I’m not completely innocent in this situation, I DID grab him as he was leaving my car, causing him to spill a beer on himself. I probably DID prolong the situation, dragging it along. I agitated him, no doubt. I just think that it was uncalled for, and borderline childish for him to respond like that.

 

It even got so bad that his sister and Dad heard us fighting. They kept texting him, concerned about me. Eventually his sister decided I was too erratic to drive home and gave me a ride. I’m just truly stunned and disappointed by what happened. I never thought he’s react to something so seemingly insignificant in such a volatile way. We’ve been together for over a year, so I guess my real question is, is this behavior normal? And if so how do I approach him about it? I’m honestly at a loss for words, I don’t really know what to say and need some real advice.

[Knot2loud]

Obviously he has very little self control - especially when alcohol is involved. You're not the loser - he is. He's already given you a taste of what you can expect when he gets angry so your future with this guy is totally up to you. You might want to seriously consider ending this relationship.

 

Is this normal behavior? For a psychopath maybe. For a normal, decent person... No.

[DoF]

So my bf (male, 30) and I (female, 26) got into a huge fight tonight. We went to a local bar;

 

Not a good place or time to have a serious conversation....but often, while drunk....truth does come out.

 

had some food and a few drinks, everything was going good. Then, we started talking about our jobs, and all hell broke loose. You see, I’m working a job that doesn’t pay me much and am looking to get out of it; I’ve applied for a couple jobs recently and I’m hoping to hear back from them. He basically dismissed my concern and opinions when I tried to explain to him that a good paying job was hard to come by (especially for someone like me; high school degree, only a couple years’ worth of college, experience in mostly customer service jobs etc.)

 

You are cutting yourself short. First, don't shoot for a JOB. You don't want a job, you want a career. Not for HIM, but for YOU. So tell us, what have you done lately to obtain a career? I suggest you start now......longer you wait, harder it will be and more behind you will be as well.

 

I tried talking to him in a calmly manner but he just told me, in a very serious tone, to “SHUT THE UP!” Naturally I felt completely disrespected by this. I was only trying to convey that, as someone who has been self-employed for the past 5 years, he doesn’t seem to comprehend that it takes more effort for an average, non-self-employed person to get a good job. He dismissed me by basically claiming that I wasn’t trying hard enough; even comparing me to one of his loser friend’s that can barely keep a job for 3 months. I tried to ignore it and even drank more to keep going; to keep from popping off, but it wasn’t any use. When I drove him home it got worse. By this time I was livid. Needless to say, we exchanged heated words. It got so bad that he screamed in my face, and not only stormed out of my car, but proceeded to PUNCH the passenger side window several times and KICK my car door as well. I was shocked to be honest. He’s gotten angry and even acted out violently like that before (albeit his own car not mine, and keep in mind, my car is almost 20 years old and fragile, and he KNOWS that!) Then I tried to calm him down but all he did was threaten to call the police. Now I fully admit that I’m not completely innocent in this situation, I DID grab him as he was leaving my car, causing him to spill a beer on himself. I probably DID prolong the situation, dragging it along. I agitated him, no doubt. I just think that it was uncalled for, and borderline childish for him to respond like that.

 

No question about it, his response and act was inappropriate and disrespectful. But again, neither of you shoudl be getting into serious discussions while drunk....or at a bar etc.

 

That's mistake #1 on BOTH of your parts.

 

As for you finding a job, chances are....HE IS RIGHT. Looking for a job IS a full time job. So tell us, how many hours a day do you spend looking for a job?

 

His anger is a concern, but expect this issue to only get worse as you continue to work "jobs" and not have a career. As your future and his future will have a DEEP financial impact.

 

He is simply pushing you to be more ambitious, but he does not know how to convey the message to you.

 

It even got so bad that his sister and Dad heard us fighting. They kept texting him, concerned about me. Eventually his sister decided I was too erratic to drive home and gave me a ride. I’m just truly stunned and disappointed by what happened. I never thought he’s react to something so seemingly insignificant in such a volatile way. We’ve been together for over a year, so I guess my real question is, is this behavior normal? And if so how do I approach him about it? I’m honestly at a loss for words, I don’t really know what to say and need some real advice.

 

First, both of you need to cool off.

 

2nd, when you do see him (face to face only/no text BS) BOTH of you need to establish CLEAR fighting rules going forward. Tell him that you understand his concerns and they are valid BUT his anger/act and words are completely disrespectful and you will not put up with it in the future.

 

BOTH of you come up with a list. here is some tips: No Anger, No offensiveness/defensiveness

 

Once that's established, talk to him about your ambition and what you are planning to do with your CAREER (not a job). Think about what you want to take up/college or business school and most importantly, TAKE ACTION. Show him that you are serious with action, not words.

 

Trust me, you want to be independent and NOT rely on him or ANY other person to support you or help you. You will never EVER do that with a JOB. You can only do that with a CAREER. And if he has one already as well, 2 careers = good financial future (not always, but most of the time).

 

You should also thank him for pushing you, cause that is a sign of a good person. Remember, a person that doesn't push themselves or YOU to be the best person he/you can be, is NOT worth being around!!!

 

Last advice, be positive and optimistic about talking to him and your career future. This is something ALL couples go thru and it's time like this that make or break relationship. Both of you need to be STRONG, SMART and COMMUNICATE.

 

Everything will be ok.

[DoF]

Obviously he has very little self control - especially when alcohol is involved. You're not the loser - he is. He's already given you a taste of what you can expect when he gets angry so your future with this guy is totally up to you. You might want to seriously consider ending this relationship.

 

Is this normal behavior? For a psychopath maybe. For a normal, decent person... No.

 

At that age, with alcohol involved, it's actually a completely normal behavior......

 

I'm not saying its a behavior she should put up with going forward. She needs to make it clear that in the future she will not put up with such act, and will consider leaving him.

[jobelle]

Yes, he is acting like an a-hole. Be very careful.

[Starseed98]

I'm sorry? You were drinking and then driving? First off, that's not acceptable.

 

Second, I think we all know how alcohol can have an adverse affect on people. It brings the worst out at times. I would think you should give each other some space and by the time the hangover is gone, maybe try and talk it out like the responsible adults that you both are. Neither of you is better than the other, and in my opinion, any guy that implies what I do for a living is below his standards, I am out.

[j.man]

So many things wrong with that discussion.

 

Don't have a serious discussion over drinks. Not worth it... pretty much ever.

 

Also, while I've certainly heard my fair share of guys groaning and moaning, generally speaking men don't like to hear complaining, particularly if you're supposed to be having a fun date night. Not that I think you shouldn't be able to vent, I simply don't know to what extent you were bemoaning your pay scale.

 

Any high ground you might have had you lost when you accused him of being out of touch with reality simply for the fact he's self-employed for several years. OP, I worked for employers until I was your age and have been self-employed since. Between paying double for FICA, the plethora of brand new tax headaches, and having the responsibility of coordinating ALL of your own work on top of actually doing it, I've never been more aware of the struggles of the labor world. Telling someone they just don't get it because they're self-employed is never going to go well.

 

I'll be honest, the guy does sound a bit out of touch. The job market still isn't what it used to be and, to be frank, a BA is the 2015 equivalent of a HS Diploma in 1990. My hope would be that under any other circumstances, he would have been more supportive. Regardless, it's concerning if he's flying off the handle to the extent his family is tagging him and if his sister is ultimately the one bailing you out.

 

How frequent are these types of arguments?

[fundaygirl]

Mostly when we argue, it's general bickering; nothing too big. The thing is, he's not even making an effort with his job, he doesn't even like it. He's just doing it to pay bills, that's all. Yet, he has no problem belittling me on job searches, even when I'm making an effort. Honestly, I'm very close to snagging one job that will secure me financially. He just poo's all over it though, by saying negative things like like it's not enough money, or I'm not applying myself. He was just recently scolding me for the last 3 weeks because another friend of his does the same job I do, and get's paid $5 more. Turns out the job was a bust, and she just quit lol. He claims that he can make up to $16-$20 an hour, yet still lives with his parents, so I guess it just irks me that he thinks he somehow knows better than me, when he can't even make enough to live on his own. He doesn't even pay his bills on time, actually my credit score is better than his AND I make less money, I at least pay my stuff when it's due lol. I feel like he's judging me, when there's no cause for it ya know?

[j.man]

Mostly when we argue, it's general bickering; nothing too big. The thing is, he's not even making an effort with his job, he doesn't even like it. He's just doing it to pay bills, that's all. Yet, he has no problem belittling me on job searches, even when I'm making an effort. Honestly, I'm very close to snagging one job that will secure me financially. He just poo's all over it though, by saying negative things like like it's not enough money, or I'm not applying myself. He was just recently scolding me for the last 3 weeks because another friend of his does the same job I do, and get's paid $5 more. Turns out the job was a bust, and she just quit lol. He claims that he can make up to $16-$20 an hour, yet still lives with his parents, so I guess it just irks me that he thinks he somehow knows better than me, when he can't even make enough to live on his own. He doesn't even pay his bills on time, actually my credit score is better than his AND I make less money, I at least pay my stuff when it's due lol. I feel like he's judging me, when there's no cause for it ya know?

Given this info, I can sufficiently conclude your boyfriend is indeed an ***hole.

[DoF]

Mostly when we argue, it's general bickering; nothing too big. The thing is, he's not even making an effort with his job, he doesn't even like it. He's just doing it to pay bills, that's all.

 

That's a definition of a job. Most people work to pay bills.....and not 99.99% of people wake up on monday morning NOT wanting to go in.

 

 

Yet, he has no problem belittling me on job searches, even when I'm making an effort. Honestly, I'm very close to snagging one job that will secure me financially. He just poo's all over it though, by saying negative things like like it's not enough money, or I'm not applying myself. He was just recently scolding me for the last 3 weeks because another friend of his does the same job I do, and get's paid $5 more. Turns out the job was a bust, and she just quit lol. He claims that he can make up to $16-$20 an hour, yet still lives with his parents, so I guess it just irks me that he thinks he somehow knows better than me, when he can't even make enough to live on his own. He doesn't even pay his bills on time, actually my credit score is better than his AND I make less money, I at least pay my stuff when it's due lol. I feel like he's judging me, when there's no cause for it ya know?

 

He simply has poor communication skills, you need to talk to him about this...see my post above.

[fundaygirl]

You're absolutely right, my bf and I have even talked about how poor our communication skills are. I've explained to him that I'm working towards a better life, yet he's making no effort to do the same. for example, during the summer all I did was work, no vacations, very little "leisure" time etc. And what did he do? He drove drunk, from Chicago back into the suburbs on a dark, summer night, dropping off acquaintances home, and proceeded to fall asleep at the wheel, then crashed his car into a ditch. A coworker of mine explained that her friend, who was facing a 7 year DUI sentence, in which her license would be suspended, participated in an AA program that actually lessened her sentence. I urged my bf to do the same, so that he would get a less harsher sentence, and what did he do? he went on vacation with his family, completely ignoring the problem. Now his license is suspended for 2 year minimum. Now all he does is complain about it, but made no effort to make it better. That's why I think it's hypocritical of him to judge me on anything.

[j.man]

While you very well may be able to improve your communication skills (everyone can), that's not the issue here.

 

This is an issue of a grown ass dude who thinks he has any room to chuck stones at people from his mother's basement. That on its own is enough. The DUI is just icing on the cake.

 

He's not worth sitting down and having a discussion with. He's negative and spiteful and has nothing to contribute emotionally or financially to the relationship.

[DoF]

You're absolutely right, my bf and I have even talked about how poor our communication skills are. I've explained to him that I'm working towards a better life, yet he's making no effort to do the same. for example, during the summer all I did was work, no vacations, very little "leisure" time etc. And what did he do? He drove drunk, from Chicago back into the suburbs on a dark, summer night, dropping off acquaintances home, and proceeded to fall asleep at the wheel, then crashed his car into a ditch. A coworker of mine explained that her friend, who was facing a 7 year DUI sentence, in which her license would be suspended, participated in an AA program that actually lessened her sentence. I urged my bf to do the same, so that he would get a less harsher sentence, and what did he do? he went on vacation with his family, completely ignoring the problem. Now his license is suspended for 2 year minimum. Now all he does is complain about it, but made no effort to make it better. That's why I think it's hypocritical of him to judge me on anything.

 

Watch this closely, he is on the edge of alcoholism. As he matures/ages this problem will get worse and worse.....so will his anger.

 

I'm leaning more towards recommending leaving him now.

 

Give him final warning. Work on communication thingy/rules. But tell him if his ambition and actions don't improve, and he doesn't stop drinking.....you will leave him.

 

Then just give him time and set a deadline for consequences.

[Knot2loud]

At that age, with alcohol involved, it's actually a completely normal behavior......

 

I'm not saying its a behavior she should put up with going forward. She needs to make it clear that in the future she will not put up with such act, and will consider leaving him.

 

I disagree, that is not normal behavior. If he can't handle something as simple as what the OP described without losing his cool - hitting a car window and then kicking the car... No... That's abnormal behavior.

 

It would behoove her to dump this guy and find someone with a lot more sense.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, all I can say is if you feel your bf belittles your efforts, he's not the man for you. It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you and certainly had no interest in you scolding him.

 

I would advise you not to be hypocritical yourself about his drinking and driving. YOU were drinking and driving - and endangering other people's lives.

[ParisPaulette]

Welll, I was going to recommend couples counseling until I saw the thing about him driving drunk and crashing his car. Now, all I'm going to tell you is to DTMFA and do it STAT.

 

He has alcohol problems coupled with emotionally abusive behaviors, real prize there--NOT. One of my best friends, a truly great guy, was taken from this earth by a drunk driver who ran head first into him going 100 mph. So no, THAT should have been when you left him.

 

Leave now before he kills you or someone else, the writing is on the wall. And how in the HELL does he get away with a two-year suspension??? How does anyone. THIS IS EXACTLY why my friend is dead, slaps on the wrist to drunk drivers and families and people who enable their behaviors. And his family enabling him? Yeah, I'm gonna be blunt here. Him putting you down over your job struggles is the least of your worries. This guy is a like a loaded gun left in the yard of a preschool.

 

That's what you're sticking around for?

[Bunney]

I'm sorry? You were drinking and then driving? First off, that's not acceptable.

 

 

Exactly what I was going to mention, and the only thing I want to comment on in this thread.

 

OP, people like you and your bf are the reason innocent people die in traffic every day. BOTH of you should get your license revoked permanently! It just bothers the HELL out of me to hear about people driving drunk. Seen way too many liveleak videos to see what the consequences can be... it's scary to think there are people like you out there who take it so lightly and probably do this on a regular basis.

 

Great, was in such a good mood before and now I'm just pissed.

[DoF]

Just wanted to add

 

We are ALL aholes somewhere along the line. Human nature.

[Seraphim]

How the HECK did he spill beer on himself in the car????? It is legal where you are to drink beer in the car??? And then you kept drinking and got in the car and drove?

 

Yes ,he is a jerk and you need to never drive and drink again.

[SooSad33]

Was maybe too much alcohol involved.. to where he spilled his beer???

 

No, it is not normal to lose control like he did/does and kick & punch things. Especially over you two 'discussing' things.

 

It's just been over a year with him? I suggest you tell him to look into anger mgt or get out of this relationship.

[boltnrun]

I don't think the OP should thank her BF for "pushing" her when his methods include the phrase "shut the 'f' up".

 

And OP, I know this has been mentioned, but trying to diffuse a situation by drinking even more alcohol is a very bad idea.

[alli]

I think you should be evaluated for alcoholism and consider AA. He clearly has signs of alcoholism, as he loses his temper and becomes physically violent. On top of that, he already lost his license for driving drunk. He is facing fairly harsh consequences for that, and yet he is still drinking.

 

I think that you should be evaluated for alcoholism for the same reasons. I have a breathalyzer that I use to get an idea of how my BAC changes depending on how many drinks I have, and I know that my BAC is over .08 if I have 2 mixed drinks. You already had a "few", then you had more, then you drove home. Everyone metabolizes alcohol differently, but women in general will have a higher BAC with fewer drinks and I really doubt that you can drink 2 or three times as much as me and be able to drive safely and legally. And unless you live in a state like Missouri where a passenger can drink in a vehicle, it was bad judgement that you let him drink in your car. Also, while it is obvious that alcohol effects his temper, I'm not sure if it effects yours as well or if you were just reacting to someone treating you with hostility. In any case, as someone else pointed out it is a bit hypocritical of you to judge his actions after getting a DUI/OWI when you are also driving drunk. I know this isn't the point of your post, but I really think it's a selfish thing to choose to get behind the wheel and drive drunk. You are making the choice to risk other people's lives when you do that. For yourself and for everyone else, please don't do that anymore and seriously consider whether or not you might have an alcohol problem.

 

Also, I would break up with the boyfriend. Don't stay with someone who treats you like that, even if he does have an "excuse" like being drunk.

[Snny]

Shoot for the stars. He definitely ain't apart of the constellation.

 

two friends of mine who were killed - from a year apart - by a drunk driver. I can't even tell you how angry I was over their deaths. One of their little girls had to be sent to an adoption agency because there was no one to care for the child.

This guy deserves to be locked in prison and have the key thrown away for his awful behavior.

[Dottieflanogon]

Childish and potentially dangerous behavior. He needs to learn to control his anger better. This would be a serious red flag for me. Even if you think he would never physically hit you ,You say he would never hurt you, but how would you know that? People always “know” until they no longer do and it surprises them. His behavior wouldn't make me feel confident that one day you may push him too far or maybe you happen to be standing in the way. I would be nervous