Lostsoul1991 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 As I analyze myself and look at past situations I realized I was always more attracted to the bad guys, the players, the narccistic type, the emotionally unavailable etc. I'm really trying to figure out if there is something off within me that always stuck in dead end situations with these type of men. But when I go out on dates with the really sweet nice gentleman type its uncomfortable. I'm really having a hard time understanding myself. Its almost like being treated bad is more "comfortable" in a sense than being treated nice by a gentleman. Can anyone relate? Has anyone ever went through this kind of phase in their life? Ive been like this since high school and I am 24 now. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Did you grow up in a home where abuse was present? Link to comment
Lostsoul1991 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 Did you grow up in a home where abuse was present? No there was never abuse present. But also my father was absent. Although my mother did have a couple of guys in her life but they werent at all abusive in anyway. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 You have trust and commitment issues that is why you choose men where there is no future. You also do not value yourself. Do you have toxic friends. too? Check out baggagerecliam.com Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Perhaps you are looking for the male attention you didn't get as a child. Link to comment
Lostsoul1991 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 You have trust and commitment issues that is why you choose men where there is no future. You also do not value yourself. Do you have toxic friends. too? Check out baggagerecliam.com No I have good friends. My friends also never understood why I put myself in these situations. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 As I analyze myself and look at past situations I realized I was always more attracted to the bad guys, the players, the narccistic type, the emotionally unavailable etc. I'm really trying to figure out if there is something off within me that always stuck in dead end situations with these type of men. But when I go out on dates with the really sweet nice gentleman type its uncomfortable. I'm really having a hard time understanding myself. Its almost like being treated bad is more "comfortable" in a sense than being treated nice by a gentleman. Can anyone relate? Has anyone ever went through this kind of phase in their life? Ive been like this since high school and I am 24 now. I think you've divided men into two groups. Nice and Bad Boy. It's not that simple. Keep dating. You will find a gentleman who is just as fun as a bad boy. The fact you recognize a pattern is half the battle. Now just stop doing that. Why you do it is probably irrelevant. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 You're scared of making yourself vulnerable to a real relationship. Have you addressed this professionally? Upbringing strongly influences who we choose to date and marry, Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 It's good that you recognize that you are the common denominator. Now, it's time to address what you get out of drama and poor treatment. Link to comment
zero80 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 You have commitment issues. Link to comment
Lostsoul1991 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 No I havent professionally addressed it but I am considering doing that. I need to. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I think you've divided men into two groups. Nice and Bad Boy. It's not that simple. Keep dating. You will find a gentleman who is just as fun as a bad boy. The fact you recognize a pattern is half the battle. Now just stop doing that. Why you do it is probably irrelevant. I think this. You're attracted to "bad boys" and their allure, even though you know that it will just bring you pain and they will let you down. The genuinely nice men out there who are good for commitment are not going to have the allure you seek, and that's why you don't like to date them. Luckily, you realize this is a problem now so you can work yourself and maybe change so you don't have end up with a bad boy in the future, or (more than likely), his offspring after he does a pump 'n' dump like they usually do. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 As I analyze myself and look at past situations I realized I was always more attracted to the bad guys, the players, the narccistic type, the emotionally unavailable etc. I'm really trying to figure out if there is something off within me that always stuck in dead end situations with these type of men. But when I go out on dates with the really sweet nice gentleman type its uncomfortable. I'm really having a hard time understanding myself. Its almost like being treated bad is more "comfortable" in a sense than being treated nice by a gentleman. Can anyone relate? Has anyone ever went through this kind of phase in their life? Ive been like this since high school and I am 24 now. Naturally, we tend to do what is more comfortable for us. I dated a woman once very briefly who was super-independent. She grew up having a distant relationship with her mother due to her father leaving home and also had a distant relationship with her brother who also had issues. She grew up often having to think and fend for herself and so sensible, realistic relationship goals for her were like oil/water. She wanted a relationship (or at least she said she did) but it was difficult getting her to compromise on much of anything. I really liked the damn girl, I don't think there was a bad bone in her body. She was only doing what was natural and comfortable for her. She was afraid of commitment and had fear of trusting people. Eventually we broke it off. We do what is natural for us. I think it's up to you to figure out why you continue to pursue/entertain bad men and then it's your decision to stop it or allow it to continue. Link to comment
Lostsoul1991 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 I am at a point in my life where I am motivated to stop it. It will only cause harm always has. Its a shame that these type of men have been my comfort zone. Link to comment
Pixels Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 IMO you aren't a latent infant... The idea that you're looking for male attention, or striving towards a certain treatment is exactly why nobody takes Freud seriously anymore... If you wanted attention of any form, you'd be with the clingy type... If you felt you deserved bad treatment, you'd likely have a history of self-harm or depression, and be in a pretty tough position... Such issues are usually pervasive, and not just an easy way to explain why your dating life sucks... IMO it sounds like you're just dating sh*tty people on both ends of the spectrum. Maybe you just meet guys in bad places? Or maybe you just come off as a boring person and interesting people get tired of you... Pretty girls are a dime a dozen, and can't hold a candle to a girl that has any basic talent, skill, or deep interest... There's a lot of factors, but if it's consistently you getting sick of them, I'd maybe reconsider how you're meeting guys... My 2 cents. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I did the same thing. My parents weren't there emotionally, and I sought out people that could not provide a stable relationship. I was the common denominator. After the ex - most painful relationship, ever - I recognized what I was doing to myself, due to my trust issues. I made significant change, and will no longer waste my time with such men. it is not about where one meets people, it is about who WE choose. Jerks are everywhere. Address your issues. It will change your life for the positive. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 It makes sense, for you, that this would be the dynamic you are most comfortable with. It is what you know with the major male you had in your life growing up; your dad. He wasn't emotionally or otherwise there for you. So it's hard for you to let any man see you and be there for you in a loving way. Even further, I would guess it is hard for you to allow yourself to see yourself and be there for yourself in a loving way, because you haven't learned how. When someone abandons us when we are young, it is quite common for us to do some abandoning of ourselves later on. The kinds of men you are talking about also hone in on women who are vulnerable and usually with low self worth. No one else would put up with it. And they have their own issues which draw them towards these kinds of women. The solution is in working on yourself, making yourself stronger from the inside out. You should be proud of yourself for doing this for yourself now, you are so young, and it's so great you are willing to look at your own part in your experience with men. Link to comment
LonelyPast Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 But when I go out on dates with the really sweet nice gentleman type its uncomfortable. I'd just like to point out that it's probably uncomfortable for them too. Do you hold up your end of the conversation? If you really do then please ignore the rest of this post... The 'gentlemen' often have a hard time shining when there's no back & forth momentum to the dialogue. We (I'm going to go ahead and toss myself in this group since I'm mostly speaking from my own experiences) want to express interest and play off of whatever topics the girl brings up. When there's nothing to work with I flounder and don't know what to say. That's pretty boring on both sides of the table. I maintain a sheepish smile and anxiously wait for the bill to arrive. She gives me a disinterested glazed over look and maybe pulls out her phone after a few minutes of awkward silence. Great date huh? The 'bad boys' just don't care. About you. There could be a mannequin on the other side of the table and the date would play out exactly the same. They talk about themselves and don't stop to think about anything you've said or how you might react before the words come out of their mouths. There's never a dull moment! It takes the pressure off since you can just sit back and laugh at the occasional joke (often directed at you). You can make the occasional comment back so that you feel involved, but they're probably paying a lot less attention than you think. They generally have one objective, and you already know what it is. You just have to sit there, let them dominate the conversation, and follow them home when they ask. It's like a terrible movie with an awful ending that still draws you in. It's all just a big flashy production! Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 This may be an underlying issue OR it may simply be you haven't emotionally matured/garnered enough experience under your belt to say, "You know what? I now know what I want and who I don't." And then you send anyone on their way quickly while developing a full, rich life so you don't get desperate or depend on others for your fulfillment and happiness. That's what happened to me. Now granted I had a few experiences that messed me up, I was way too much of a people pleaser--if I'm nice and a doormat people will like me and I'll win over that bad person's heart--type. I kind of more blame Hollywood, Harlequin romances and bad writing on that mindset than I do anything else though. I mean, for god's sake man how often are we shown in film or print that that really awful a$$hat is a good guy underneath simply crying out for the love of the good woman. And YOU may just win that prize, lucky you. Only it's a load of crap and the bad guys are never that. They're who they are the minute the mask drops and see them for the first time and tell yourself, "That can't be right." So while you may have issues these are best explored with a therapist. None of us are really going to be able to answer that for you, it comes from within you. But there are a couple of things I did that can help you too. 1. Determine if you respond to a certain type, because they tend to do all the initial work. I would respond more to the guy who would aggressively pursue me and be flattering, because there's more instant gratification in that than say getting to know someone on a long-term basis BEFORE you decide they're the love of your life. These also unfortunately were more often the type of guy who was a new love addict who would promise me the moon, move at 100 mph then burn out just as quickly either dumping me or wanting to stick me on the back burner or worse. Sometimes they rushed me into relationships thinking if they did that I wouldn't leave when I found out the truths they were hiding. Sadly that worked more than once. 2. Ditch the whole "soul mate" idea. It's crap tossed out there to make us buy things and assign power to others they just don't and shouldn't have. YOU are complete the day you're born, you don't need anyone else to "complete you." Such garbage. You have a good life, you share that life, that's the healthy viewpoint to take. And on that note: 3. It's not up to anyone else to "make you happy" or "entertain you" or "be your whole world." If that's the case it means you have no life of your own, I suggest getting a life, your own, and again sharing it but not deciding someone else is going to do that for you. 4. If you see serious red flags address them then and there, don't let the other person talk their way out of it, if it looks serious enough leave right then and there and never look back. I'm not talking little things, I'm talking the kind of things they do are things you won't or don't do. Still in touch with the ex-girlfriend and takes his phone outside to answer her call night or day? Red flag. Grabs you by the arm and yells at you, because of a disagreement? Red flag. Past addictions or criminal behaviors, but insists they are all fine now with no long-term therapy having been in place or still friends with other addicts or criminal types? Red flag. You get the idea, do not shout down that little voice in the pit of your stomach saying, "Something is wrong here," because 99.99 percent of the time it is. 5. Leave when you know things are bad even if you love them and don't want to do because yes Virginia you will recover and be happy again. And much faster than if you stick with them trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Love does not conquer all, you cannot "love" someone into being a good guy (or gal) underneath--see my take on Hollywood crap about that. Anyways those five points will help you weed out the worst of the worst and you will develop your own. In fact, you can do that now just by taking a strong, unflinching inventory of every bad relationship you've been involved in, what your role in it was, what their role it was, what red flags you ignored and why you stayed specifically even after you knew it was a bad idea. You can write this down or do it in your head, but it will likely yield a few answers anyways. And if none of this helps that's where you go see a therapist. The fact is it isn't usually that you're just attracting the wrong sort of person, everyone does that. It's that you let them get a toehold and stay that's the problem. And that's what you need to address and fix. Good luck and I hope this offers at least a good direction for you to move towards. And guys, this applies just as much to you as it does to the women. Same advice exactly. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I am at a point in my life where I am motivated to stop it. It will only cause harm always has. Its a shame that these type of men have been my comfort zone. If you are truly motivated to stop it, then getting some professional assistance might be the best option. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Deep down, you're not really ready to settle down, and the guys you choose reflect this fear or unwillingness to commit. Not being ready to tie the knot or commit to a long-term relationship is fine, just remember that when you do feel it's time to find Mr. Right, the bad boy you're with might not be your best option. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 There's an exciting ego boost to trying to 'convert' emotionally unavailable people. While the solution to quitting that sounds straightforward, the problem is usually compounded by a 'Groucho Marx' complex, where you wouldn't want to join with any guy who would have YOU for a girlfriend. This is typical stuff of someone who's opposite sex parent was absent, abusive or otherwise unavailable--and so it's basic training for therapists, and especially advantageous to deal with someone who's taken advanced training in 'abandonment'. Few people hesitate to hire experts to do their taxes or deal with any other practicalities of life, so it makes perfect sense to hire an expert that can help you improve your quality of life in romance. The value is just as significant. Head high, and I hope you'll use this thread to talk about your experiences. You can benefit from that and maybe help the next person who sees this in herself or himself--and there are plenty! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I agree with this and as far as "really sweet nice gentleman type" - that sounds kinda boring. Don't you want someone who is confident, thoughtful and assertive -someone with an edge who inspires you and you can inspire him too? Who keeps you on your toes in a good way? Nice is great but not if it means passive or a constant people pleaser. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Could it be that "bad" guys represent a challenge for you, and their having you reflects on your value, is an accomplishment on your part? "Nice" guys are easy, them wanting you is a given since you are nice, but it doesn't impact your value? Do you feel you are better by being chosen by one over the other? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 How would you rate your: Self esteem Confidence Social standing Self worth High, medium or low? Dating flawed men gives you an instant escape hatch out of the relationship since they have a built in reason for you to leave. If you date a good guy you may have to stick it out and make a real go or a real healthy relationship. Perhaps you are afraid of that... Lost Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.