Yikes...I'm into a married guy

[domo20009]

First of all I have no idea if I'm going to get kicked off this thing for stating the fact that I'm into a man who's married to another woman.

 

But if not...

 

First of all, I wish I wasn't into a married guy (yikes)- who I also work with (double yikes). Life would be a lot easier if I wasn't. I'm in my mid 20's, when everyone's starting to settle down and find "the one"...all I hear about all the time is other people's socially acceptable, seemingly wonderful, relationships. I wish that was what I wanted too. I've dated some single guys my own age lately- though not a lot- I was in a horrible relationship for 6 years during high school and college, where I guess you learn about the whole dating thing instead of going through hell and back. Dating has been thoroughly unfulfilling. I'll go out with guys, very nice and handsome and put-together guys, just to do it, because I'm bored or lonely- and never contact them again because the interest fades that fast. Traditional relationships are uninteresting to me. If there's a way to magically change that, and want something "normal", I haven't found it yet.

 

So here's where Married Guy comes in.

 

We work in the same field so we crossed paths fairly often before we worked together. From day one he was genuinely nice to me, took the time to listen and give advice (I was really unhappy in my previous workplace), and showed more interest in my career and well-being than anyone I worked for or with at the time. We'd talk about other things occasionally- sports mostly- but mostly he was a great outlet/mentor and just a good human being to talk to (in my life, there have been very few of those around). I appreciated how good he was at his job, and how good he was to me even though there was seemingly nothing in it for him. It was no secret that I was unhappy where I was at, so about 6 months ago we each started dropping little comments here and there about how great it would be if I joined his company. I distinctly remember a conversation where I told him to please let me know if there was a way for me to work for them, to which he replied, "I would bring you in today if I could pay you what you are worth." So maybe I'm just enamored with someone who values me. Some time passed, then they had an opening for a high-profile position. I interviewed but didn't get the job. He sends me this email, so complimentary of my abilities- and says he's still trying to bring me on. A few weeks later, we have an event at their company- he gives me a hug goodbye. The next day, he calls and offers me a job. Needless to say, I accepted. They actually fired someone to bring me in. It was not easy leaving my previous organization- I'm loyal to a fault- and we spent a lot of time on the phone, he answered every question I had and walked me through the process (this is the first "real" job I ever left for another). He told me he will always be there for me, all I have to do is ask.

 

So now we've started working together. I knew long before he hired me that I had feelings for him that I should not have for a guy who is married with kids. He's an amazing person- genuinely kind and interested in making people happy. But I'm also attracted to him physically. I'm also well aware that I'm young and fairly pretty. We see each other every day, and work together directly for a bit each day. He's very protective of me. I have to close the building and he ordered someone to stay with me when I do because he wants to make certain I am safe. Every staff meeting since I've been at the new job, he checks in on me and puts "how is Domo doing?" in the meeting agenda. We're friends on facebook and he pays attention to what I post- he knew my dog's name before I told him, and he'll bring up things I post in conversation. We both love sports, so we'll text each other some nights about that- sometimes after 10 pm (these conversations are reciprocal, sometimes I will start them and sometimes he will). He tells me I'm funny but has never commented on my appearance. Sometimes in meetings or just around the office we'll make eye contact and I think it lasts longer than it should. But the thing that throws me off, is any time we text each other and it starts getting too friendly or there are just a lot of texts back and forth, I'll get the cold shoulder the next day. He won't talk to me and it gets quiet. He'll back way the hell off and stays physically different. It's happened enough that I'm starting to think it's not a coincidence. I desperately want to push boundaries and test his feeling, but I'm so afraid of rejection or getting in trouble.

 

I know how wrong it is to have feelings and physical attraction towards someone who is married. I can't stop myself. I wish I could. I know how bad it is to be testing the limits of a professional relationship. I know people want what they can't have. I know married men aren't supposed to text other women about anything but work. I know I could easily be interpreting this guy's character and behavior the wrong way. I could be making all this up because I'm that desperate for attention and trouble.

 

I have no idea why I'm posting all this on a (hopefully very anonymous) forum other than for strangers to tell me what I want to hear. I know what I'm supposed to do---- leave this guy, who has a beautiful family, the hell alone. Leave him alone and protect our very good working relationship and find a nice, boring, single guy.

 

...let me know what you think.

[Capricorn3]

I know what I'm supposed to do---- leave this guy, who has a beautiful family, the hell alone. Leave him alone and find a nice, boring, single guy.

 

...let me know what you think.

You answered your own question. YES, leave him the hell alone. Nothing good can come out of this. Nothing. Do you really want to become a home wrecker? You have no place there. It all comes down to showing respect for other people's relationships, but most of all, have some self-respect.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you should see if your new employer has a benefit plan that includes personal therapy so that you can delve into why you're afraid of commitment. I think that's what you are since you are so closed off to single men while finding those that can't commit to you fully, so darn cute.

 

If you value your own emotional health, you'll do the mental work you need to do to get yourself to state of indifference to him. You can start by having some empathy for his wife and not bothering to respond to his after hours fluff. In other words help yourself and him to keep it professional.

[Willywagtail]

It's not wrong to have physical feelings for someone who is married. But it's wrong to act on them. You know that.

 

So you have to pull back. You have feelings which you can't control, but you can control how you respond to them. So start controlling your responses.

 

Firstly, be as professional as you can. No contact outside work. Secondly,o start getting a life. Start meeting guys, go out with your friends - build yourself a life where he's only the guy you work with who is very nice to you - not the man of your dreams.

 

It will be a matter of mind over matter, but you'll have to work very hard at it.

[itsallgrand]

What do you mean when you say you don't want anything 'normal'? What about a 'normal' relationship is unappealing to you? And by normal, I assume you mean two single people getting together and becoming a couple?

 

It does sound like you are enamored by the value he sees in you. And that he treats you so well, as a person. That is extremely attractive, especially if you are not used to receiving that in your life. Kindness is sexy.

 

If you think about how well he has treated you though, and what he has given you, do you really want to return that kindness with meanness? Because that is what pushing the boundaries and intruding on his marriage and family is - it's meanness.

 

Do you typically have issues around treating people well when they treat you well?

 

You have this tremendous opportunity in front of you with a supporter of you personally and professionally in your field, and are you going to blow all that and throw all that away because you want something you know is not appropriate??

 

If you really can't control yourself or feel that way, then yes, you should go see someone who is a professional to help you work through the issues there that cause you to sabotage others and yourself. I would bet donoughts that a lot of it has to do with the terrible relationship you mentioned you were in when you were very young. Did you ever go see anyone about that?

[SooSad33]

You are a young woman in you 20's. I feel you're just into this 'older,married' man because of his 'authority'.

he's caught your eye.. just like anyone can.

 

The thing is.. is yes, he is married... and you work with him. Two wrongs!

he does NOT want to get involved with you. this is why he goes 'cold'.

 

I think it's time you work on controlling you're 'crush', accept this isn't going to go anywhere and respect this man and his marriage.

[abitbroken]

I'm in my mid 20's, when everyone's starting to settle down and find "the one"..

 

That is a false assumption -- SOME people do find who they want to marry fairly early, but out of my family members of my generation, friends, only 3 found the person they wanted to marry and were married by 25. The rest found them in their late 20s, or like me well into my 30s or even 40.

 

I think you need to resist the idea of all your friends "finding that special someone" and know that it will happen - but not yet.

 

I do think you should forget about this married guy. Does it occur to you maybe you are reading into things a little, too. Nothing suggests to me that he sees you as more than a coworker aside from texting you after 10 pm. Asking how your dog is, telling someone they are funny, is something platonic coworkers do. Firing someone and hiring someone else are normal too. He has NOT said anything about your appearance.

 

I think that you should set boundaries and keep emotions in check.

1) Do not accept texts from him after a certain hour - about anything - even work. Just don't respond. It is okay if you on a business trip and he texts you a keycode to get into the building at corporate or something very pertinent for your day tomorrow.

 

2) Don't be quick to answer non work related texts.

 

3) Continue to talk about work at work and appropriate small talk. Weather. About your dog. Why not ask him how his wife is doing and you hope she is feeling better if she was sick. Or if you don't know what she does for a living - ask sometime. That brings up his wife in a way that is smalltalk/getting to know your coworker, etc.

 

Anyway - like i say, I am not sure how much is you reading into it and hoping and how much he is really making advances. I think at this point, if there IS something there, you are nipping it in the bud without even having to bring it up.

[chitown9]

It would be a good idea for you to pause for some self examination as to why you would seek out someone who is emotionally unavailable. That is the factor that seems to be attractive to you. Single guys your age do not have that "edge" you are attracted to. Why would you want to waste a lot of valuable time fantasizing about a man that you cannot have during your childbearing years? Time to stop and do a lot of self reflection.

Time is a wasting...... chi

[Hollyj]

You're are selfidh, insecure and an attention seeker!

 

Not only will you contribute to destroying the wife's life, but also cause life long damage to the children.

 

I also can't believe you would jeopardize your professional career for something like this! Really stupid!

[stuka80]

I can't stop myself. I wish I could.

 

you can, you just dont want to, stop trying to kid yourself.

 

I know what I'm supposed to do---- leave this guy, who has a beautiful family, the hell alone. Leave him alone and protect our very good working relationship and find a nice, boring, single guy.

 

that's exactly what you need to do.

[Batya33]

Of course you can't stop your feelings. I feel like I want trick or treat candy RIGHT NOW in the morning. But you can control your reactions to your feelings. Choose to keep your distance from him. And by distance I mean keep a professional distance and whatever distance seems right -double the amount at least just to make sure you don't start wandering back to boundaries you should not cross. Yes, your feelings are ok but reacting to them by flirting or more is unprofessional and unethical/immoral just plain not nice IMO.

 

And when you stop reacting to the feelings even by distracting yourself those feelings will be more on the edge of your mind and soon fade.

[itstheshrink]

The mere fact that you just generally described single guys as ' boring' reflects the fact that you are into this married person BECAUSE he is married (among other things, probably, I'm not saying that's the only reason). Apart from this being a strongly erronated view on men and life, if you are so easily ' bored' by things such as people's marrital status, you should probably reconsider your views on love and start understanding it on a deeper level. It is not worth wrecking a family over these superficial arguments.