I'm out of ideas on what to do now

[Lovelavie]

Wow, ok. I can say I feel emotionally exhausted. For those who have read some of my previous threads, they'll know this issue is nothing new here. I've been with my BF for a year, and ever since the beginning of our relationship he makes theses jokes. It's always about other women or himself related to other women. He has admitted before that he does it because he knows it makes me mad and he gets a laugh out of it. When we first started, I would get jealous, hell I've lost count of how many times I've CRIED about these jokes. Yes, I am a sensitive and insecure person, I struggle everyday to feel better about myself but I've had enough.

 

These jokes are constant. Three to five times a day at least, almost everyday. Now, I know he's not cheating and I know he has no intention of actually HURTING my feelings (in his perception). Also, no guy would be stupid enough to say all the stuff he says if it was actually real.

 

So today, he came over. We were supposed to have an awesome day, but all we did was fight. To make things worse, I'm pmsing and I feel like crying all the time. We were sitting watching Netflix and after the 30th or so episode, a hot chick came on. There are a few attractive guys on this series and not many girls and I never made any comments, and if I were to, it would only to point out that they're attractive, not that I wish I was with them or anything.

 

Now, you may say I'm being to sensitive, but 90% of the time he's making these jokes I either ignore it or laugh it off. But imagine going out with your boyfriend to eat or something, and you get all dressed up and he does too, and instead of him complimenting on how pretty you look, he'll look at himself in the mirror and say how all the other girls are gonna look at him because he looks good. Now imagine these kind of jokes several times a day, every day.

 

I know he does it to make fun of me, because right after the jokes he'll kiss me and spoil me. But WHY? Why do you have to get me all upset before making me feel good? Why can't you just go ahead and compliment me instead of having to make me feel bad first? I've told him it's not jealously anymore as it used to be, but more about the fact that he wants to make me upset and that he knows how to and yet he chooses that path.

 

He spends so much energy trying to make me mad instead of spending it on something that will actually make us grow. Today I have cried so much. I would go into the bathroom and just start crying. I decided to talk to him and he said that I'm insecure as if, if I weren't, these jokes would be acceptable. He then apologised and said he would try to stop. I have lost count how many times we have gotten in fights because of this, almost every week! No one I have ever been with has teased me this much, no one has tried so hard to make me mad on purpose only to try to make me feel happy afterwards. And it's always like this: we're having a nice time, he'll make the joke, I'll get extremely upset, he'll try to make me happy again but the joke already happened, so it's not the same anymore.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of talking, of crying, of explaining, of doing everything I can think of so he understands that he has to stop but it doesn't. I feel like it's stupid to break up with someone because of jokes, but at the same time I do not want to put up with this for the rest of my life. I feel lost

[shellyf62]

If I was dating someone who had so little regard for my feelings & made me cry so much I would break up.

What is the point of spending your life upset?

Why do you stay with him?

[Tayla92]

It is not stupid to break up with someone over something like this, you know why?? He's making you feel like utter crap, and people who love one another DO not make their partner feel like this!! You've asked him many times, shown him how much this hurts you but still he continues.

 

You need to walk away from this guy and don't look back.

[jennylove]

Can you imagine living the rest of your life like this?? If you had a daughter or younger sister who confided in you about this situation going on in their life, what would you tell her to do? Find someone who builds you up, not brings you down. Life is solo short!

[notalady]

Firstly, get it through your head, these are not "just jokes". A lot of cruel and mean things can be said in disguise of a "joke".

 

All this guy cares about is himself, and he has complete disregard for your feelings. He's feeding his ego on you being upset when he makes such comments, which is frankly just cruel when made on a constant basis.

 

Some people enjoy inflicting pain on others, it doesn't have to be physical, it can be emotional, and that's what he's doing here.

 

I wouldn't want to live another day under these circumstances if I were you, let alone the rest of my life.

[fantom1399]

Leave this douche! He clearly doesn't care about how you feel and he wants feel superior by putting you down. To me, it shows that he is insecure about himself but is projecting it onto you. You need to tell him that you will not tolerate it anymore and if he can't see what he's doing wrong then leave him because he will never realize that what he's doing is not ok.

[greta96]

First of all, he will keep doing it for as long as he gets that type of reaction from you - meaning, making you cry, insecure and upset. I'm sure that hearing you tell him how insecure he's making you is music to his ears! So the first thing you can try (fake it till you make it and practice makes perfect!) is to change your response to his bullying to its polar opposite. Every time he makes one of those "jokes" (which like someone else said, are not really jokes, they just hide his malicious intents), you say "go for it champ, who's keeping you? She may send you back packing, but hey, it's worth a try" with a big smile on your face. Or, ignore his comments completely. You continue doing what you were doing, and pretend you didn't hear him. If he repeats himself, you say "huh? Sorry babe I wasn't paying attention....oh yeah right..the girl...sure, give it your best shot".

 

Secondly, why on earth are you still with this immature boy??? He clearly has a mean streak, and is a bully. Like it's been said, he doesn't make jokes, he actually gets a kick out of making you upset and cry - and that's a very concerning sign. You know what they call people who get a rise out of making others suffer, right? I don't care how much he cuddles you afterwards, it doesn't change the malicious intent. Even worse, it seems like the whole process of hurting you and then making you feel better is giving him a high, and this is not something that will ever stop. Time to rethink this relationship, think about the future, would you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Because no, he will not change, he enjoys tormenting you a bit too much.

 

So you either try to switch your own attitude, so this "game" is no longer satisfying for him, or - my preferred course of action - you leave the jerk behind and go find yourself a real man.

[RainyCoast]

rest of your life? are you serious ? i hope you don't put up with it for a single minute more.

 

It is emotional torture. He is not ignorant of the fact that these are not jokes. He does it because he is sadistic. An abusive personality. People torture people to subjugate them, not to build a relationship.

 

You are not wanting to break up because of jokes, but because he is an abusive jerk.

[hyden]

This is a form of control as well as obvious emotional abuse. He makes these comments (disguised as jokes) to break you down. He then follows up with being sweet to force you to cling to his being sweet as a bandaid for how he made you feel with the abusve comments. He is conditioning you. I am in no way comparing you to a dog, but have you even seen someone who hits their dog, then they call the dog to them and it runs over real fast seeming super eager to make its owner happy? Its a reaction to the abuse. His intentions are to breakdown your self confidence and force you to become emotionally dependant on his approval and occasional affections.

 

Typically, people we use such techniques in relationships do so to cover up their own insecurities and doubts. I cant imagine him changing or getting better. You should end the relationship and find a boyfriend that is not physically or emotionally abusive.

[mhowe]

He has admitted before that he does it because he knows it makes me mad and he gets a laugh out of it.

 

These aren't "jokes". This is cruel, purposeful mocking in order to tear you down.

 

Break up. Joke is on him!

[Lovelavie]

Wow thanks for all the responses. I have thought a lot about this and how he acts like this because he gets a kick out of it. He's had 2 previous girlfriends and he's told me that he was never the type to make these jokes, but since I get so mad about it, he thinks it's fun. Cruel I know but I put up with it. The thing he doesn't understand is, he thinks that after all this time I get jealous about it. And I confronted him and said do you seriously think I get jealous about a random girl you see on TV?? Do you really think you're so awesome to the point that I can't stand watching TV with you?? Honestly, he's so full of himself he doesn't see that I don't get jealous, I get UPSET that he's constantly TRYING to make me jealous and mad at him.

 

The thing is, he calls me crazy and paranoid sometimes, but how can he compare me to his exes if he never did that to them? How can he expect the same reaction?? I'm sure if he was making those jokes with them he would get the same reaction from them or worse!

 

There was this one time in our relationship where he stopped with the jokes for like a month. I was so happy, I was finally getting my confidence up and I felt like our relationship was finally all about US, not me, him and me having to feel jealous of every single girl. It got so bad I couldn't watch a Snap from a girl that he would be trying to watch it with me to, again, make me jealous that now I don't even watch my snapchats around him. I also avoid a lot of things. I never comment if a pretty girl passes by, or if I see an attractive girl on the TV and I used to do that with my previous boyfriends. I'd even make jokes about it and always play with it, I would never really get "jealous" because hey, looking is not cheating, as long as the person you're with makes you feel special like: yeah, she may be pretty, but you're prettier, or I don't care, it's you I'm with. But he does the exact opposite, he makes it seem like I have to be careful because he might switch me for the first hot girl that passes by.

 

Yesterday, after crying the whole day I told him this was enough, that it's been one year and he still hasn't changed so I don't have much hope it will change, but this was the last time. If it happens again, I'm done. I don't care how many plans we have made, I don't care about all of the things I love about him and all the good times we have together, I simply can't put up with this anymore, it's bizarre. I mean, if they are JUST jokes and if he does care about me, I don't see why it's such an effort to quit making them.

[mhowe]

Be prepared to walk. He likes the reaction from you more than he cares about your feelings. It's been a YEAR!

[hyden]

Its been a year and you are still giving him another chance? Well, of course he is going to do it again. How many times have you said you had enough and still gave him another chance? I just hope that maybe you mean it this time. There are real, healthy men out there you know...

[reinventmyself]

^^ this.

"a kick and then a hug"

 

It's designed to wear down your self esteem and rely on him.

It's a typical abuse tactic.

Add in . . he does this and tells you that there is something wrong with you because you don't like it?

He's an abusive tool.

[jobelle]

He sounds like a bully. At the very best he is extremely immature.

Relationships are hard sometimes but THIS is not something you should have to deal with. He should make you feel beautiful and good about yourself, not the opposite.

Please break up with this loser!!!

[Lovelavie]

I feel bad because he is a genuinely good guy. I notice he treats me better than most boyfriends. When we're out with friends he's always the one who does the most for me and is always looking out for me and trying to give me the most attention. He has a ton of good qualities that's why it's so hard for me to separate things. Also, he works very hard to earn money and he never hesitates to spend it with me, to take me out or buy me presents, he's always making an effort to please me, HOWEVER, there is this negative side which has crossed the line a long time already.

 

Even if I was the most secure woman in the world it doesn't make these jokes acceptable, like he said yesterday. I honestly cannot even talk about it without getting tears in my eyes, it has drained me emotionally so much. I have never been so insecure in my life, and not because I'm afraid I'll lose him to someone else, but because I can't be myself 100% around him because I'll get shot down.

 

After a year though, instead of trying to convince myself I'm being too sensitive and that I should just let it go, I've realised the problem is not with me, but with him and I've stopped trying to change myself and won't accept this anymore. If this time he doesn't change, it'll just show he doesn't care enough and that I'm better off

[metrogirl]

So his money buys your love?

 

He can be a hard worker, a lot of abusers are. He can be a super nice guy, most abusers are very nice on the surface, after all that is how they charm everyone. He can't have people knowing who or what he is so he uses charm for people to see past it. I bet no one really knows what he is like do they? Of course they don't.

 

Been there and done that. I wouldn't do it again, not for all the money in the world.

 

Can you imagine having children with him? Him raising his sons to be just like him and god forbid, your daughter grows up to be accepting of this behavior like you. No no no.....

[reinventmyself]

Look. . .most people, even abusive ones have some redeeming qualities.

It doesn't always translate into making excuses to stay or tolerate his behavior.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband used to always do and say things to try to get a rise out of me. It was how his father related to his mother. You know, like the three year old who wants Mommy's attention so he acts up so she'll pay attention to him. His mother always got riled up and yelled at his father, who then stood there with a silly grin on his face.

 

Now, I'm not always a quick study but I realized my ex was following his father's example.

 

So what did I do? I stopped reacting. When, for example, I asked him if he had picked up the kids from daycare, he'd reply "The kids? I was supposed to pick up kids? What kids??" And I'd reply "Oh, that's fine, some other family probably picked them up. They're probably headed to the child labor factory to make lamps."

 

When he realized I was not going to give him the reaction he was trying to get...he gave up and started treating me like an adult.

 

Except...you notice I said "ex" husband...obviously there were other issues at play.

 

Maybe try NOT reacting and see what happens?

[notalady]

Everyone has good qualities, even psycho killers. Those qualities do not outweigh the fact that he is cruel and sadistic, to you at the very least. For someone to get joy out of this, something is seriously wrong with them that cannot be fixed without some intense therapy.

 

I personally wouldn't even give him this last chance. Even if he does change, it would be temporary, so how much more time are you going to waste on him to see that happen? This is who he is.

 

Just because he's "better" than your previous boyfriends in some ways doesn't mean he's good for you. Aim higher. Find someone who actually treat you right.