Not my physical type: Will I still satisfy my preferences ?

[notalady]

Op, what is your physical type and what does this guy look like? I'm curious now.

 

I'm curious too!

[Dottieflanogon]

Op, what is your physical type and what does this guy look like? I'm curious now

 

I'm curious too!

 

I would prefer not to give out a detailed description of my "type" if you don't mind,thanks

[notalady]

I decided go ahead and take him up on his offer .If I still can't see myself kissing or being intimate with him after the date then he'll be placed in the friends category. I don't date people solely for looks but I believe that physical attraction does count moreover. I mean a man could fit the bill with everything I want in man but if I don't want to see him naked then can't be more than that. I'm not saying I would do the opposite either(be with someone who's only compatible physically) .If I can't have the whole package then I don't want any lol

 

I've gone on dates with 2 guy who were outside my usual “type box” in the past..it didn't work out. I remember one of them tried to kiss me and found myself turning my head away. Everything felt forced and awkward

 

Maybe it's just me but I almost never get that feeling of wanting to kiss someone or be intimate with them after 1 date or 3 for that matter. I don't have those thoughts until the kissing actually happens. That's more when I know how I feel about them sexual attraction wise. The rest of the time I just focussed on getting to know this person and see if I like his personality.

 

If I find the guy attractive (to me) and interesting, and I enjoy his company, as long as the thought of kissing him doesn't repulse me, I'll go on up to 4 dates to see if it goes anywhere.

 

That was the case with my current bf. In fact, he was going to go in for a kiss on the second date (he kinda leaned in), I leaned back and kind of stood back a little. He picked up on the cue and didn't end up kissing me. I thought to myself, if I don't want this guy to kiss me that must mean I don't like him right? I hesitated for days about going on a third date. But he was such a nice respectful guy, we had lots to talk about and I find him attractive (just wasn't feeling the attraction yet). So I gave it another date and the rest is history. Now I think he's the sexiest man on earth lol..

 

On the other hand, there was one guy who was so good looking and I felt so attracted to, he's probably one of the only guys I've kissed on a first date, and I was the one initiating the kiss! We went on a few dates and I realised he had a sh***y personality/character flaws/red flags.

 

I think the point is you have to realise that feeling of wanting to kiss someone or be intimate with them on the first few dates is purely lust and a terrible indicator to rely on for whether this person is a suitable and compatible long term partner. I like to give myself time (a few dates) to get to know the person and see if genuine attraction (to their personality) develops.

[John John]

 

John John, I remember your type being blonde waspy women right?!

 

Yes! lol but not so much waspy women with blonde hair (although I love that)...but a girl with blue/green eyes (who is otherwise attractive to me already) gets me every time. I OF COURSE would never not date an attractive woman with brown eyes! But that's my weakness. Most of us have "types"...some girls won't like me because I'm only 5'8.5" and that's perfectly fine. Whatever floats your boat!

 

I think I'd find it kinda strange if my family expressed an interest in someone I'm dating having a particular "look". I don't think whether my girl has dark skin, light skin, dark hair, light hair, dark eyes, light eyes should really matter to them as long as she treats me well and adds to my life.

 

No, let me rephrase that. They've just always said "we PICTURE you with a brunette with brown hair and brown eyes, like Terri Hatcher" because they picture me with an Italian or Hispanic woman. Those women aren't necessarily my type, but I'm happy to date them. I'm a lot more open than I used to be.

[Capricorn3]

I decided go ahead and take him up on his offer .If I still can't see myself kissing or being intimate with him after the date then he'll be placed in the friends category.

This is all putting the cart before the horse - you're already reading into the future when all this really was about, was he helped you, you more or less agreed to a date as a "thank you". Nothing more, nothing less. This wasn't about building a future together. It's all much ado about nothing, imo.

 

1) You either don't go at all. OR

 

2) You go, and at the end of the "date", you thank him and the two of you part ways. The end.

[TMifune]

This is all putting the cart before the horse - you're already reading into the future when all this really was about, was he helped you, you more or less agreed to a date as a "thank you". Nothing more, nothing less. This wasn't about building a future together. It's all much ado about nothing, imo.

 

1) You either don't go at all. OR

 

2) You go, and at the end of the "date", you thank him and the two of you part ways. The end.

 

3) You go and have a really good time and decide you'd like to see him again.

 

Why are people more negative about this date then any other date. Isn't pretty much every first date either a.) you don't like him and you don't see each other again or b.) you like him and want to see him again?

 

What is it about this situation that makes people think b.) isn't a possibility like any other first date?

[Dottieflanogon]

So why are you so much more hesitant here? Is he physically unattractive to you; not just out of your type?

 

He's not overweight or horribly unattractive, he's just not my cup tea. Like what I said in my previous post, I tried going on dates with 2 guys outside my usual “type box”, but I found myself avoiding physical contact and lack of that butterfly feeling in my stomach .

[Batya33]

He's not overweight or horribly unattractive, he's just not my cup tea. Like what I said in my previous post, I tried going on dates with 2 guys outside my usual “type box”, but I found myself avoiding physical contact and lack of that butterfly feeling in my stomach .

 

If you require that "butterfly feeling" with a near stranger and are not open minded to seeing if a spark/attraction develops over a few dates (open minded -not doing him some kind of "favor") then I would decline the date and not waste his time.

[Dottieflanogon]

I have fallen hard for guys that I didn't instantly have that "butterfly feeling" but they were still the type of guys that would draw my eye accross a crowded room. I just cant help even though I'm always open to try something different lol

[Ms Darcy]

He's not overweight or horribly unattractive, he's just not my cup tea. Like what I said in my previous post, I tried going on dates with 2 guys outside my usual “type box”, but I found myself avoiding physical contact and lack of that butterfly feeling in my stomach .

 

I think you have to do what's right for you. For some people weight matters (that's why I mentioned it), or height, or race, or physical ability or whatever. There are a hundred million reasons people prefer different physical things, some of which are more psychological and social than about physical attraction. But it is what it is. Oh well.

 

It would be interesting to see how the date goes. Good luck.

[Batya33]

I have fallen hard for guys that I didn't instantly have that "butterfly feeling" but they were still the type of guys that would draw my eye accross a crowded room. I just cant help even though I'm always open to try something different lol

 

Yes, you can help it. You cannot control your feelings but you can control your reactions to your feelings. What does it have to do with a passionate relationship that the guy has to draw your eye accross a crowded room? What if - heaven forbid - you marry someone you are attracted to and have great chemistry with but you happen to be drawn accross a crowded room to some hot celebrity or male model type? Obviously you're not going to leave your partner just for some boy toy who you find hot accross a crowded room? Or are you?

 

I might "feel" like a man I see on the street is hot (honestly, this almost never happens - cannot remember feeling more than "oh -he's kinda cute!") but my reaction to my feeling would be "hmmm -he's kind of hot. I think I'll have that turkey flatbread sandwich for lunch but with avocado this time....." rather than "ok, THAT is what I am looking for -I wish I could find out more about him because obviously my marriage isn't working if I wouldn't check out my husband like that on the street"

 

Figure out your priorities and if your "must" is "he must make me swoon accross a crowded room" then do not meet this man . But don't confuse your standard with finding a man you are attracted to and passionate about - you can have amazing passion and chemistry without needing to swoon over him physically accross a crowded room or similar. You have simply decided that you need that in order to get romantically involved in a long term relationship. You can make a different decision despite not being able to help how you feel.

[Dottieflanogon]

I did not say a man must make me swoon accross a crowded room to consider a relationship with him.What I meant was, the guys that didn't set fire works from the beginning but ended up falling for after getting to know them, were still my physical type .The man I've gone out with who didn't fit my type ,just didn't do it for me. I can't help what I'm attracted to. There's no denying that people are usually brought together by an initial physical attraction, We like what we like. This doesn't mean that a man has to be gorgeous, handsome, etc.

Just attractive to me, among other attributes that I look for in a man.If I am not physically attracted to them, then there isn't any desire for me to keep seeing them.I would never really be satisfied until I get the whole package

 

Ofcourse I will always find other man attractive,despite being in a relationship or married ,its human nature,but that doesn't mean I would leave my partner or trade them up for someone hotter.

 

I won't settle, but I will be realistic about what type of partner I can obtain. I want to be with a man because I want to be with him,not I have to be with him because he's good person. On the other hand ,If I knew someone was settling for me, that would be a massive blow to my confidence because I know that I'm not the person they really want to be with. That's basically saying to me, "I couldn't get the girl that makes my heart race, but I guess you'll do.I'd rather be alone than lonely in a relationship with a man who deep down really isn't into me and in the back of his mind is wondering if "she" is out there. And I wouldn't want to be lonely in a relationship because I was with a man deep down I wasn't really into. It can - and does - go both ways

[notalady]

I think if after one date you still feel he's not your type then that's it.

[tiredofvampires]

I would just go on the date and be open to who he is, and how that makes you feel, and then go from there. If he impresses you with non-physical qualities, and you have fun with him, I would give it two to three dates. Why? Because if someone is going to grow on you, it's not going to happen on one date. That's not realistic, if you're looking to see attraction build, which is the whole point here. After 3 dates (assuming you enjoy him in other ways, which remains to be seen, so all this guesswork is a bit premature), I think it's fair to call a strike-out, but before that, you're not giving it any benefit of changing how you feel.

 

It gives me just the tiniest pause that he accompanied you to the mechanic's and stayed there -- I'm all for gentlemanly gestures, but I kind of wonder, as thoughtful as that gesture was (and mechanics do try to overcharge people who don't know about cars!), if it was a little over the top. I would wonder if that signaled over-eagerness, suggestive of something unfavorable. I'm also not crazy about the quid pro quo of a date-for-helping you out, but I can see where that might have been his only "in", and it's not a biggie. Just little things to note, and see if they continue any sort of theme on the date. Those are the non-physical things I'd be keeping an eye out for.

 

As for "types", as others have said here, I also have no set type. I used to, and thank god those days are behind me! This is not to say that there aren't features and qualities that I don't naturally find more attractive than others, or that I don't have preferences (my only hard dealbreaker is morbid obesity). But a body that belongs to a man who I feel a connection with in other ways can become as hot to me as a body with all the preferences checked off. AS HOT! So in the end, the preferences soon vanish from the equation, and I'm hot for the one in front of me, and it's not just because he has a "good" personality, but a hot personality. People only talk about physicality as "hot", but a personality can be hot, too, and that's what gets me.

 

So hopefully this is a stage for you, like it was for me. Giving new types a chance is likely to open doors for you, which will expand your possibilities greatly. Once you find the hotness in an unlikely match, you never go back, lol. Now, it's just icing on the cake if a guy has some of my natural physical preferences to go along with the rest of him.

[tiredofvampires]

I also want to add that it's hard to think about a "type" when bodies are so uniquely put together. Saying "he's not my type" overall feels pretty broad, when talking about physicality. So, if I tend to like broad shoulders, maybe a man doesn't have that, but I like a hairy stomach and he has that, or sexy hands, so those qualities that fit into my aesthetic checklist are there. Meaning, soon I'm not noticing his narrow shoulders. I'm finding something else that makes me hot for him.

 

It's rare for me to find nothing physically hot on a guy whose personality I find hot, so it's just a matter of my eye finding things it likes that compensate for the "flaws", which in the end, when I love him, aren't even flaws anymore, they're just part of the total package. This takes a bit of time though, of growing an overall attraction.

 

I just think including a whole face, and body as one single "type" when there are so many components is a little odd, when you think about it.

[abitbroken]

I decided go ahead and take him up on his offer .If I still can't see myself kissing or being intimate with him after the date then he'll be placed in the friends category. I don't date people solely for looks but I believe that physical attraction does count moreover. I mean a man could fit the bill with everything I want in man but if I don't want to see him naked then can't be more than that. I'm not saying I would do the opposite either(be with someone who's only compatible physically) .If I can't have the whole package then I don't want any lol

 

I've gone on dates with 2 guy who were outside my usual “type box” in the past..it didn't work out. I remember one of them tried to kiss me and found myself turning my head away. Everything felt forced and awkward

 

You have very narrow criteria. You assume a man who is a gentleman is going to think that if he helped you with your car, that you owe him sex or even a kiss? Unless it is a chaste peck on a cheek, I doubt you should expect that. Some guys are huggers - after they meet someone the quick shoulder hug and peck on the cheek - some guys keep physical distance. The two guys who tried to kiss you - it wasn't because they were not your type because you weren't feeling it - on the contrary, they were being pushy or misreading your signals.

 

Even if there was all sorts of attraction, I would go into dinner or lunch as just a thank you and just trying to get to know another interesting person and don't worry about sparks. If you have a fabulous time, good conversation with active listening on both sides, you might have made a great friend or someone to go on a few dates with. Or nothing. But don't base your criteria on who you would want to have sex with that day.

[saluk]

"I don't go out of my way to seek out guys with these traits but this is what gives me that butterfly feeling in my stomach and makes my heart pound.I'm not superficial in a bit least, It's just what I'm drawn to and what I can picture myself kissing. I can't help it lol"

 

I think you are, if not superficial, at least a little bit closed-off in the looks category. There doesn't have to be shame in it, but there is no sense hiding what seems to matter to you either.

 

All I know is, I have thought I had a type, but if I look back I can see that I have gone through many phases, and what I desire in looks is always changing. When my first crush was a brunette, my type was brunettes. My next crush was asian, and I was into anime at the time (still am actually, but not like I was then), so clearly my type was asian. I would go on to only be interested in asians for a time. Then I decided to try and categorize all of my former crushes together - I was into brunettes and asians... so dark-hair-and-no-blondes was my type. Really? All I cared about was hair? No, not really. But that's how I sorted things and thought about things in my mind.

 

What a surprise that my longest relationship was with a blonde. And guess what, I actually think she was quite good looking! Despite being what I thought of at the time as "against type".

 

I know now that I should look for more than just how they look, and focus at least in the beginning on how they make me feel through their actions. It's personality. A certain way my type of woman carries herself, and how she acts. That makes everything for me. Yes someone you can enjoy kissing is REALLY important - but is it so important that they LOOK like someone you can IMAGINE kissing? Those are two verrrrrrry different things.

 

You dated two people not in your type and it didn't work out. Not only is that a small sample (what about all of the many many guys IN your type you dated that ALSO didn't work out?) but if you decline and avoid contact because of how someone looks, then you never actually know what it might be like to kiss them. Still - I don't think you actually rejected these guys because they were against type, but because they didn't give you butterflies. You've decided it was those features, but it may have been other things as well.

 

I'm not saying you SHOULD go out with this guy - or that you should try to be more open minded. When it comes to dating, sometimes it pays to have a filter, even a perhaps superficial one! It's not the end of the world. And no one wants to be your pity date lol. If you don't really feel like going out with someone - don't. At the end of the day you have to trust your own feelings, and there is no gold star for how open minded you are in dating. Well, unless your soul mate is the opposite of what you think of now as your type

[Fudgie]

Even if there was all sorts of attraction, I would go into dinner or lunch as just a thank you and just trying to get to know another interesting person and don't worry about sparks. If you have a fabulous time, good conversation with active listening on both sides, you might have made a great friend or someone to go on a few dates with. Or nothing. But don't base your criteria on who you would want to have sex with that day.

 

I agree with this. Yes, physical attraction is important but you're putting way too much emphasis on it from the get-go. You're expecting butterflies and such the moment that you see the person. This is actually really uncommon and you can be attracted to someone without feeling butterflies the moment you see them. A lot of attraction does develop early on by just talking to someone and getting to know them.

 

Up to you but I would give it a couple days and have more of an open mind. Lots of first kisses are rather awkward with a new person, regardless of attraction. I really think you are very "Set" on your type and it may be making you less receptive right away to those who just don't fit it. You could be ruling out guys who you could be happy with.

[Batya33]

" I can't help what I'm attracted to."

 

You cannot help your feelings of attraction. You can control your reactions to your feelings and you also can become a person who has broader tastes/types by broadening how you think about attraction and the importance of attraction in a relationship. Passion and attraction are essential of course - but there's an element of telling yourself that you're only attracted to your type and only paying attention to men who are your narrow physical type.

 

There's a huge gray area/spectrum between heart racing and settling - your writing seems to be far too black and white/rigid on the issue. And that's what leads to going up to a stranger in a car and actually accepting a pre-printed phone number - sends off alarm bells that you are focusing so much on being objectified and on physical attraction to a complete stranger. Again it's a spectrum so don't bother with a "I won't settle" response or "I'm not going to just date Mr. Right on Paper" because that is not at all what I am suggesting you do.

 

When I was a teenager I know I had types because I was mesmerized by certain celebrities and simply the whole idea of getting a "hot" guy on my arm -probably had some of that in my 20s too. And of course if you attract someone because you have a certain physical type -and then your body changes- won't you be worried that he'll leave you with such a narrow basis for being attracted to you?

[Fudgie]

I'm not sure if you've talked to other couples but the whole "meeting someone and having your heart race/heart flutter/going 'wow'" when you first meet them is extremely rare. Actually, I have a good friend of mine who has been single for many years (not a bad thing within itself, but she is unhappy about it and wants to be with someone) and she refuses to try OLD because she thinks that that true chemistry is exemplified by only meeting someone in person, catching the gaze accross the room, etc. She has an idea of how she "should" feel from the second she lays eyes on the person. As you can see, it's not working for her. I've had a few relationships, some from OLD some not, while she has remained unhappily single and just waiting and waiting. I feel bad for her.

 

When I met my current boyfriend, I felt he looked good but he didn't "wow" me. Not an insult, no one really "wows" me from the start in a physical sense. I was not expecting to be "wowed". I expected to not be repulsed or grossed out or weirded out. All I need to feel is a general sense of "this person looks good/presents well" and go from there. I know that attraction for me grows when I get to know a person and like what I see. I really liked his smile. At the end of the date, I did feel attracted to him, but that was mostly because of our lengthy conversation and I liked how we had similar interests, he was smart, and he made me laugh. We kissed a lot at the end of the date. I've gotten more attracted to him, physically and emotionally over time now.

 

If you focus on the "wow" and instant spark, you will probably be disappointed. There is a difference between expecting a spark from the get-go with the first date and dating people that you're genuinely not attracted to. There's a balance between the two. You can give someone a chance and get to know them over a date or two and see what happens, and drop them if you're not feeling anything after 1-2 dates. You can also choose to try and value inner qualities more than external ones.

[Batya33]

Also causation does not equal correlation. Just because the men for whom your attraction grew happened to be your physical type doesn't mean that you're only going to feel that way for your narrow physical type.

And even when it grows it might not feel heart-racing/butterflies -attraction and excitement come in all shapes and sizes and strengths. You might end up with someone where you have great chemistry/attraction/passion but he actually doesn't make your heart race and you know you wouldn't notice him in a crowd, ever. In fact you might notice other men in crowds or rent a movie just to see Mr. Heart-Racing Wonderful. But - because you have internalized that passion/attraction comes in many forms and strengths, you will not feel at all like you settled- by contrast you might feel like you have the best kept secret.

[Dottieflanogon]

I most definitely didn't imply that I need that instant, "love at first sight" moment, or else it's doomed.

 

For me there are 3 categories of men when it comes to their looks:

- not attractive: those I don't want to see again

- attractive but I don't feel sparks. If they seem to have a good character, I want to see them again.

- immediately attractive Whether I will date them again will still depend on their character

 

 

Most of my past relationships and crushes ,didn't initially make me feel the "wow" factor and spark instantly . As time went on I enjoyed being around them more, I started to like everything about them, etc but these guys still physically fit my type.

 

when I tried dating outside my type, I usually found that it effected how sexually attracted I was to them. I was still was attracted to them because of their inner qualities ,they were intelligent, had good personalities, shared some common interests and values etc but the physical attraction was just never there. ..I never wanted to have sex with them.Either they excite me, or they don't.The "lukewarm he isn't repulsive but I'm sure not into him " that secondary chemistry didn't feel as intense or passionate as that spark and "zing " that felt with guys that snaps my switch. Basically,I'm just not attracted to men outside my usual “type box”. On the contrary, this does not mean I'm not open to try something different

[Batya33]

"when I tried dating outside my type, I usually found that it effected how sexually attracted I was to them."

 

Perhaps chicken-egg/getting in your own way. You of course notice -focus -on the fact that the man's physical features are outside your type. Just like you focused on the stranger in the car - your focus on finding him physically attractive was so strong that you made a choice that was highly risky to your personal safety. It's all about balance. How about getting to know the person whatever his physical type and shift the standard to "unless I find him repulsive or I know -no way would I ever be physically attracted to him" I will get to know him as a person.

[notalady]

The average woman is not at all attracted to 80% of men.

The attracted but doesn't feel Sparks is about 17%.

The remaining 3% are attracted and feel sparks.

 

I hope there are evidence supporting those statistics

[Dottieflanogon]

There's a huge gray area/spectrum between heart racing and settling - your writing seems to be far too black and white/rigid on the issue. And that's what leads to going up to a stranger in a car and actually accepting a pre-printed phone number - sends off alarm bells that you are focusing so much on being objectified and on physical attraction to a complete stranger.

 

"You of course notice -focus -on the fact that the man's physical features are outside your type. Just like you focused on the stranger in the car - your focus on finding him physically attractive was so strong that you made a choice that was highly risky to your personal safety. It's all about balance. How about getting to know the person whatever his physical type and shift the standard to "unless I find him repulsive or I know -no way would I ever be physically attracted to him" I will get to know him as a person.

 

I'm not sure why you're still stuck on the fact I accepted a pre-printed phone number from stranger.After all it's my life, my time ,and It didn't impact your life in any way.Aside from that, If you think the context of his approach would have been deal breaker for you then more power to you. Just don't expect me or anyone at that matter to have the same point of view.Different women have different boundaries and comfort zones.

 

All comes down to opinion and individual perspective ,different perceptions and preferences. We're all different, including our perception of objects, of people, of tastes etc .We all perceives situations differently, The thread even proves this as you can see , not everyone assumed that he was dangerous just because he approached me and gave me his number. Clearly not everyone have the same mindset that a stranger that approaches out of nowhere is dangerous.

 

If I recall later on in the thread I stated that all the exchange took place in busy intersection, not in secluded area. I never felt safety compromised all, all I did was texting the guy then found out we're not looking for the same things,. I have no regrets, In fact If a similar situation happened again, I wouldn't hesitate to text the guy given the initial attraction is there

 

your focus on finding him physically attractive was so strong that you made a choice that was highly risky to your personal safety.

 

All I did was text the guy not meet him alone in the dark. How many times have you heard of women meeting a strange man in bar or night club then go to his house that same night for sex? that's way more dangerous then texting this guy to check him out. The guy could turn to be a serial killer too right?

 

Cold approach based solely on looks is totally fine with me.Just like how some women are comfortable with casual sex/one night stands but some wont have sex outside a commitment relationship. it just comes to individual relativism.It's just a matter of value judgement.Restating the same points over and over again isn't going to change that. To each to their own