lcm4390 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 My boyfriend and i have lived together for 4 years..he is 36 I am 25. His mother currently lives with her boyfriend; they live off of disability that he gets and her social security. For whatever reason he is loosing the disability assistance and they are being evicted, they keep getting extensions this has been going on for months and instead of looking for a solution, his mother has decided when they are forced out she is going to leave her boyfriend and come stay with us until my boyfriend can find a place he can afford to pay for her. So many red flags for me. My boyfriend and i live in a very small one bedroom, and live paycheck to paycheck. Ithought we were going to move forward and progress our relationship, financially we wont be able to do this with him supporting his mom. When i bring this up he gets mad and defensive i am just trying to be realistic as i have invested alot of time in our relationship. When i ask how long his mom is going to be staying i cant get a straight answer. . I feel it is going to turn in to forever. His mother does not work because she is addicted to prescription pain killers. Everytime i have seen her she has been out of it sitting in her bath robe in the middle of the day. When i bring this up he gets mad and says im putting his mother down. Im not comfortable with the situation he is putting me in. I dont feel it is fair, he has 2 brothers 34, and 32 who do nothing. I feel like i need to walk away but im so torn i would never want anything to happen to his mom but there has to be othrr options. Ifeel my opinion doesnt matter to him. Any advice would be great. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 There aren't other options. I suggest you start looking for your own apartment. Or perhaps you could move ho,e. His mother cannot support herself and is being evicted. She has no where to go and your bf feels obligated. Living with her yourself will be intolerable. You may have put in 4 years....but she raised him. Perhaps having to live with her will light a fire under him to work for more sustainable living conditions. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Personally, I would leave. This will be your life. He hasn't figured out how to deal with his mother. I would maybe encourage him to seek out Al Anon or something of the sort. But as it stands, he is going to let his mother control his life. You will be at the mercy of her so long as you are with him and he doesn't address it. The option is he could allow her to take responsibility for herself and seek help for her issues, but, don't see that happening. And it's really common in families where a parent is a drunk/substance abuser. Seriously, if he checked out Al Anon, he'd see how he is fitting exactly into a pattern and there are so many others who have been through what he has been through. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 This is allllll about boundaries. And it's tough because your bf seems unwilling to discuss the practical side of things. I think the only thing you can do is express your needs, and be willing to jump ship if needed. The first problem is it sounds like no one discussed her moving in with you guys. She just decided it and now its happening. That's disrespectful to you. Now, given that it's him mom if course he wants to help her. But there also need to be guidelines. Will she help around the house? Pay a small amount towards expenses etc? It a hard discussion to have but you and your bf need to set these ground rules now. Personally, no matter who the person is I would never allow a drug addict to live in my home. So what do you do from here? You can try and express what you feel to your bf while making it clear that you are not attacking him mom. You can start by saying that you want a better understanding of how this arrangement is going to work. Where will she sleep? How will increased cost to living be handled? Etc. If he gets defensive you can say "right now what I need is a plan of how this is all going to work. I'm not comfortable with this unless there is a plan. Talk to your mom and let me know what you two come up with." This in no way attacks his mom and is perfectly reasonable to ask for. Now, when (it will likely happen this way) she doesn't want to leave or some major drama happens,your only course of action is to say to your boyfriend "I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I'm going to stay at friend/family for a couple night. We can talk after we have had a few days to think about this." Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Are you willing to live with an active drug abuser in your home? That's what it comes down to. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 i think it's time to leave. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I foresee the mom's boyfriend eventually living under the same roof. I doubt she is going to just drop him because they are getting evicted. I wouldn't want to live with someone that is addicted to drugs. She could burn the house down and not even know it. Link to comment
j.man Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 It is what it is. For all her faults, she's still his mother and he's not going to let her live homeless. It's perfectly fine if all of it is too much for you and you need to pick up and leave, but that's about the only choice you got if you don't like the situation. You're not going to convince him not to take her in. Make the right choice for you. Personally, were my girlfriend moving her mom into a 1BR apartment we shared, I would move out. I wouldn't break up with her, but I'd find another apartment or another room to rent and say, "Hey, I understand why you're doing this, but that space ain't big enough for three people. I'll rent a room somewhere else while you get things sorted out with her." Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 You won't likely win this one. Can Social Services in your area help with finding mother a place of her own? I'd leave if it was me. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 It's being framed like if the two of you don't agree to her terms, she will be out on the street. But honestly, that is verrrry unlikely. She's been at this and knows what she is doing. She will find someone to mooch off and enable her. And it's part of being a child of a substance abuser to feel like you are responsible for the one who is addicted. Really, he thinks he is helping, but he is enabling. But like jman said, very doubtful you will convince him of anything other than taking her in and supporting her. Link to comment
lcm4390 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I definitely dont feel comfortable having her abusing drugs in my house. It would be alot different if she needed to stay for a bit to find a job and get on her feet. My feeling is, she just wants someone to take care of her. It makes me sad that i may have to end our relationship over this, but i see so many things that will go wrong if she moves in. Previously i had told him i understand why he feels he has to do this but at this point in my life its not right for me, he told me i was a bad person for not wanting to help his mom. Thats not the case- if his mom were willing to try in a small way to help herself i would help my boyfriend through it but i see this as an issue that will last forever. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Why should you, personally, have to help his mom? She has 3 grown children. And your 30+ yr old boyfriend is barely making it as it is? I think he needs to look in the mirror. He likely wants you there to lighten his load. Link to comment
j.man Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I don't think you have to break up with him. Simply move out and let him give his mother a chance. There's no way in the world he's not going to give her that much. BUT, she's not your mother and you're under no obligation to help her, especially considering her circumstances in particular. Give it a chance and if he fails to set up boundaries to get her packed and on her way in due time, then I'd start considering parting ways completely. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 What are your options as far as moving out for now? Family, could you afford a little apartment for a while? Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Just playing Devil's Advocate here, I think your BF is stuck in an awful situation. He is the only one of 3 children helping his mother. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to be doing much to help herself. Regardless, this is something you have no control over. I definitely agree with you that this situation isn't going to just go away. But I think he gets angry when you bring it up, because he is conflicted. Because he knows this will be hard for everyone, but he feels he has no choice. It is wrong for his mother to lean on him that way, to make him responsible for her when she is a grown woman. Asking help from your adult children is one thing, but what she's doing isn't right imo. I'm sorry. I agree with jman. Moving out but staying in the relationship may be best. I know you're already living paycheck to paycheck but you'll feel much more sane living by yourself. Link to comment
lcm4390 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I could stay with my sister if i need to. I understand moving out and not breaking up with him but i dont know if it will work, its tough to think about for me we've lived together 4 years with our 2 dogs a lot would change either way. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 OK, so why don't you stay with your sister for a week and see how it feels? Then you can make a permanent decision. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 The three (or 4 if and when she moves her bf in) of you in a small apartment with 2 dogs will alter your relationship even more. Link to comment
j.man Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I could stay with my sister if i need to. I understand moving out and not breaking up with him but i dont know if it will work, its tough to think about for me we've lived together 4 years with our 2 dogs a lot would change either way.OK, then dump him. The mom is moving in. You can either give it a trial run living separately or impulsively cut him out of your life altogether. Choice is pretty obvious to me. Don't cross a creaky bridge you aren't certain you need to cross. See how it goes with you at your sister's (Or renting with another roommate somewhere else. Always people looking for a roomie.) Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 You should be clear and tell BF it's your mom or me. That situation will become unlivable I'm afraid. Sorry your going through this at least you have a sister option. Good luck Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Previously i had told him i understand why he feels he has to do this but at this point in my life its not right for me, he told me i was a bad person for not wanting to help his mom. I think he's a bit out of line to call you a "bad person" because you don't want to live in a small apartment with his drug-addicted mother. How are other aspects of the relationship? Is this how he typically responds when you disagree? Link to comment
toby17 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 He's 36 and you're living pay check to pay check. His mother is addicted to painkillers and lives off the benefit. His layabout brothers aren't doing anything either. I'm sorry but you already know what you're getting yourself into with this man and his family. He's not going anywhere and neither is your relationship. He's got no prospects and, at 36, they're not going to improve. Even worse, he seriously thinks that he can support his mother when he can barely support himself and the three of you can live in a one-bedroom apartment. I agree with the other posters. Personally, my advice would be to leave him entirely. But I know that's hard. So at the very least, find your own apartment and let him and his mother live together. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 There is an option. Look into board and care facilities within your community. She can live there and she will still be local so that her son can check on her and bring her things. This is a very viable option. Check it out. Your local Social Security office an provide a list of board and care facilities. chi Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I think you should move out and break up. Move out because living with an addicted mom would be hell. Break up because after 4 years, you guys are neither financially stable nor on the same page with regard to boundaries. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 There is an option. Look into board and care facilities within your community. She can live there and she will still be local so that her son can check on her and bring her things. This is a very viable option. Check it out. Your local Social Security office an provide a list of board and care facilities. chi Yep, so you have 3 courses of action you can take to avoid living with BF's Mom: First try to find a board and care place before the Mom even attempts to move in. Second, if you're unsuccessful and she moves in, you can move out, stay involved with BF and continue trying to find a place for his Mom. Third, if that doesn't work out, you can break up and find a suitable home for yourself and your dogs. Link to comment
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