Has He Changed his Tune?

[reinventmyself]

I drop breadcrumbs, sometimes. I don't like doing it--I hate having to initiate contact--but it only takes a few seconds, and it often yields results. I text, e-mail, IM, etc. I never call. The purpose is to keep yourself alive in the woman's memory, so she'll think of you as a potential option.

 

I just keep going back to what BlueSpiral wrote. I think it rings so true in this case.

Minimal effort, large return.

[Naomi99]

Large return is my lame ass response of you look like that cartoon character???

[notalady]

Large return is my lame ass response of you look like that cartoon character???

 

It opens a door to more communication. Large return comes later as you communicate more and you warm up to him again.

 

Also, saying he looks like a cartoon character shows that you still think about him. That's showing just enough interest to keep this going.

[Naomi99]

Okay so I've gotta ask - which cartoon character does he look like?

 

I am DYING to show/tell you all but now I can't because I already revealed the name and it's TMI.

Trust me…my girlfriends and I were DYING when we saw the resemblance and I wanted to tell him so bad. I had tears rolling down my face and no sound coming out of my mouth. Forget about sleeping with him! at first contact, I wanted to show him how funny it was.

[Naomi99]

No. I see it the same as you. That is how I justified him not contacting me; thinking he was giving me space and respect and was a man of his word.

But now he contacted me so kinda means he doesn't respect me; or is selfish and has his best interest as a priority and not mine.

 

I've already thought if I want to call him out on his behavior, that will be one of the first points.

[notalady]

I've already thought if I want to call him out on his behavior, that will be one of the first points.

 

The thing is, why do it at all? What are you going to achieve by doing it?

[j.man]

Did you guys not learn the lesson from the last thread the OP started, where it took like 40 pages to get her to admit that a guy who's taking her out to operas, restaurants. movies, day trips, etc., etc. just might trying to court her?

 

It's a pretty big disregard for people's time and consideration to post on an advice forum and proceed to slap down pretty much all offerings of insight and advice for 40 some pages.

 

Maybe work on your introspection seeing as you don't seem entirely receptive to external insight.

 

If you want to talk to the guy, then talk to him. If you want to have sex with him when he inevitably (and quickly) goes for it, then knock yourself out. Nobody is your caretaker. You're free to make as many good or bad decisions as you'd like. You don't need an obscenely lengthy forum thread to preclude every choice you make.

[reinventmyself]

I'm was guilty before of getting caught up in it very briefly the first time, but ultimately I do see it as attention seeking both ways.

[Naomi99]

Did you guys not learn the lesson from the last thread the OP started, where it took like 40 pages to get her to admit that a guy who's taking her out to operas, restaurants. movies, day trips, etc., etc. just might trying to court her?

 

It's a pretty big disregard for people's time and consideration to post on an advice forum and proceed to slap down pretty much all offerings of insight and advice for 40 some pages.

 

Maybe work on your introspection seeing as you don't seem entirely receptive to external insight.

 

If you want to talk to the guy, then talk to him. If you want to have sex with him when he inevitably (and quickly) goes for it, then knock yourself out. Nobody is your caretaker. You're free to make as many good or bad decisions as you'd like.

 

What's up, Judge Judy?

 

I didn't ask anyone here to be my caretaker. It's been less than one day since I posted this message. Where do I have time to heed advice? I also said I agreed with many of the posters here.

You didn't read the other big thread where I wasn't quite sure what to do and gained a ton of clarity from the women here and made what I think was a proper choice.

 

I can take advice or leave it, and if you view it as a slap on the face, then maybe you're not fit to give advice.

[Naomi99]

I'm was guilty before of getting caught up in it the first time, but ultimately I do see it as attention seeking both ways.

 

NOT SEEKING ATTENTION. I truly don't know what this man's motives are.

 

I appreciate everyone's insight and already feel much more empowered/knowlegable than I did last night.

[Naomi99]

The thing is, why do it at all? What are you going to achieve by doing it?

 

Because he isn't as noble as he portrays himself to be. My needs are last on his list of priorities and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me like that. Contacts me when he says he won't.

 

So if he asks "Naomi, why won't you come over to play tonight," that will be on the list if I feel like pointing it out.

[notalady]

Because he isn't as noble as he portrays himself to be. My needs are last on his list of priorities and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me like that. Contacts me when he says he won't.

 

Then why deal with someone like this at all, why waste your time and energy, thinking about what he's looking for, asking about it on the forum, figuring out a response that shows just how little you care, thinking of what to say when he contacts you further, why do all this when you recognise how he treats you isn't good enough and he is not good enough, and simply block him out from your life altogether, nice and easy.

 

Go find someone who actually respects you and keeps to his words.

[reinventmyself]

Because he isn't as noble as he portrays himself to be. My needs are last on his list of priorities and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me like that. Contacts me when he says he won't.

 

So if he asks "Naomi, why won't you come over to play tonight," that will be on the list if I feel like pointing it out.

If you really feel this way then block him, eh'?

[mhowe]

This is a thread, where I posted...and I wish I could unlink my post because it is such a waste of time. Need a new button that says...done with this thread.

[Naomi99]

I wanted to say everyone's advice is greatly appreciated and it's been extremely helpful, more so than my own girlfriends. I attribute it to the majority of you being much more experienced and wiser in years and just plain SMART. If it appears that I'm not heeding your advice, trust me-- your words do not go unnoticed. Some of the advice doesn't fit with my personality, but nevertheless I do read it and remember it and if I believe it is the right thing for me will try to weave it into my decision making process.

 

I do believe the majority of the advice, especially when it sways so strongly in one direction, is absolutely true. But sometimes we (I) won't fully believe it until I've lived through it, and so I question why. It's not that I am disregarding your time, but I truly want to make the best decision because ultimately I am responsible for my actions.

 

So again, I want to thank you all…I really really appreciate the time and the interest and kindness you;ve shared. I am not trying to gain attention. I will admit I am a drama queen and make mountains out of molehills and "woe is me" when I'm confused. On the contrary, I do not like attention.

 

I have a job where I can work from home if I chose, so if it seems like I am posting a lot, it's because I have ready access to this site without a boss breathing down my neck.

 

 

[ThatwasThen]

Dated someone casually for nine months. I abruptly ended it when he said he couldn't offer more than what we were right now. He said he wouldn't contact me, I guess, to give me some space to move on.

 

2.5 months later, he contacts me saying I'm an incredible woman and he thinks about me all the time.

 

I haven't responded. Not sure what to do.

 

Has he a change of heart or pulling my heartstrings? Or both?

I told you he'd try to get back in your head again. It's always what players do. Those kinds of words make their "target" feel special.

 

Don't read ANYTHING into his contact other then feeling you out to see if you're naïve, lonely, vulnerable or EASY enough to pick up where you left off. I'm sure he's thinking that you are all of those things (along with those thoughts of your incredibleness) so pulling you again at this point will make you even more responsive to the didling then you've ever been.

 

If you're going to contact him then simply say: "Is that your way of asking me to marry you?" If the answer is anything other then "yes" then block and delete him and put this chapter of your life to bed. It's time.

 

My apologies if this is a rehash of what has already been said/advised... I haven't read the entire thread and I'm coming in rather late.

[Naomi99]

DAMMIT I wish I read this response before I responded to him.

I'll give you the short version of what everyone told me: Balls-to-walls call him out on his bull. I didn't do it though.

I just thanked him for the kind words and then kept it light and true to my personality saying Wow he looks exactly like one of the cartoon characters on that show and they even have the same name, something I'd been dying to tell him for a while. And I left it.

 

I didn't think calling him out on his BS at that point was a fitting moment in time.

 

I also feel not too great starting a huge long thread again…because I really respect a lot of you ladies and several men (Reinvent, Vampires, East4, Bolt, Notalady, Lost, just to name a few and I know I forgot some so forgive me) I totally respect all of your opinions and insight…you're probably some of the smartest relationship people I've ever run accross on the internet. Really smart. I just hope I get to be that insightful one day.

[ThatwasThen]

I also read this book wherein the author says if you want a commitment and he won't give you one, leave him and do not contact him. If he contacts you within eight weeks, that is the amount of time it takes for him to realize he's got to step it up before he loses you for good.

 

 

 

I don't know if it's hogwash or not. Probably so. But how will I know if I don't try?

He's got to "step it up." Just what would him stepping it up entail in your mind, Naomi? If your answer is anything less then him and you meeting each others friends and family and you being a true couple that respect and love one another, then once again you don't know what you want and you'll end up shredded again when you fall right back into the love addict/love avoidant coupling as you catch feelings one schtuup at a time.

 

*forgive me, I'm just now reading and catching up and responding to some of your reposts*

[notalady]

I just hope I get to be that insightful one day.

 

You can be insightful right now. It starts from making a different choice to how you used to handle things each time, however small it is.

[ThatwasThen]

I know he's too old to change and he is what he is. That is part of what I liked about him. I think he truly misses me because it takes a lot for an emotionless lizard to tell someone what he did in that email. Others here say it was lazy. It may be lazy from a normal man. For him, it's a miracle he wrote that.

 

Oh, my dear N. The man has been getting his since he was a wet behind the ears and has yet to commit to anyone. He knows what to say and who to say it to. He may be fond of you but his words are just words without actions to back them up. Dinner followed by sex is simply dinner followed by sex. Missing you doesn't mean much of anything, really if he's not going to do anything more with you then why you left. I know its rewarding to hear that from him though. It's human nature to want to be wanted... even if the wanting is of lesser value then what we really would want.

[notalady]

To be fair, we don't know if he sees you as just "vag on a stick" or naive or vulnerable or the greatest girl in the world. To me, how he sees you and what goes on in his head is irrelevant. Maybe he genuinely like you as a person and enjoys your company, who knows. Those are all speculations.

 

The only facts that we have are, he's not a commitment guy, or to say the least, he's not going to commit to you. And that he has his best interest at heart, not yours. That is reflected in all the past ways he's treated you. He's not suitable for you to even consider as a partner.

 

So the only choices left are simple, either a) you feel lonely and enjoy the attention and the thrill, so you engage him again and quite possibly end up in the same arrangement again, and back here again some months later in the same position. Or b) you realise that you deserve a better guy and know that you WILL find that guy, it just takes a bit of time, so you stop engaging in all this nonsense, cut doctor off, go out there and find the right guy this time.

 

The choice is yours.

[Blue Spiral]

I just keep going back to what BlueSpiral wrote. I think it rings so true in this case.

Minimal effort, large return.

 

This will seem unrelated, but: people do change, sometimes. Not very often, though.

 

Their strategies for getting what they want, on the other hand? They change those much more often.

 

I get the impression that "breadcrumbs" is just the latest in a series of trial-and-error tactics.

[journeynow]

Naomi, these epic long threads are about you not knowing what you want. It doesn't matter what he might want, the overriding theme is that you are vague, or noncommittal, with yourself. It seems you jerk yourself around. Not a great way to treat yourself.

[Blue Spiral]

Intermittent contact is a tried-and-true PUA tactic, btw. You pay attention to them, you ignore them, you pay attention to them...the attention is intense and emotional and personal, and the absence makes it clear that you don't need them, which indicates that you're in demand. It's sort of like modern art that's built around negative space: you give them brief, powerful glimpses of yourself, and then you vanish, and you let their imagination fill in the rest. It's normal for human beings to project what they want onto others, and when you combine it with intermittent contact, well...

[Ms Darcy]

I haven't read all 15 pages of this thread. I will just comment that I think the underlying theme for your three threads is that you focus on what he's thinking/what he wants versus deciding on what you want and moving forward with a clear direction.

 

If you want a relationship with this man, respond asking if he wants a relationship. If you don't, block him. But allowing yourself to be wishy washy does nothing towards resolving the situation permanently.