Has He Changed his Tune?

[Naomi99]

Well contact him then & keep your wits about you.

 

I'm 50/50 at this point. Gathering all my internet opinions before I make the break.

[Helpexpressme]

If it feels right then contact him. But as soon as it goes back to the old ways and nothing has changed cut it again. I think your really strong Naomi, and you know what to do!!!!

[Naomi99]

if it feels right then contact him. But as soon as it goes back to the old ways and nothing has changed cut it again. I think your really strong naomi, and you know what to do!!!!

 

i love chuck bass!!!!!!!

[Naomi99]

If it feels right then contact him. But as soon as it goes back to the old ways and nothing has changed cut it again. I think your really strong Naomi, and you know what to do!!!!

 

I can't believe you were right all along from months ago. He did contact me after all. I really did not expect this.

[Helpexpressme]

I can't believe you were right all along from months ago. He did contact me after all. I really did not expect this.

 

Your strong enough to know what to do, and I support your decision either way.

[shellyf62]

Can we really fault him as an "emotionless lizard" when OP admits she brings her own problems to the old dynamic

 

Her description of him, no malice intended from me!

[ParisPaulette]

Oh snap, sorry wrong post.

[Hollyj]

There's an entire million-page thread about this relationship. About me being aloof and not making myself vulnerable with him and him being an emotionless lizard.

 

Hearing from him is a huge shock. I did not expect this. For him to say he thinks about me all the time is crazy because he pretty much has no pulse when it comes to emotions. I miss him like crazy as well, so I don't know if this is an opportunity for me to put on the big girl pants and tell him how I really feel instead of being an aloof highbrow as I have been just about the entire relationship.

 

If he wanted a relationship with you he would say so. Period. Stop making excuses for him, and blaming yourself.

 

This means nothing, other than he is looking for sex. We are all telling you the same thing, but you refuse to listen.

[Naomi99]

If he wanted a relationship with you he would say so. Period. Stop making excuses for him, and blaming yourself.

 

This means nothing, other than he is looking for sex. We are all telling you the same thing, but you refuse to listen.

 

No, he wouldn't say "I want a relationship" on the first damn email after two months of silence. How does he know I don't have a BF or if I'm even alive or will respond? Ridiculous to put that expectation on someone.

I don't believe he is only looking for sex. Maybe 30 percent he is, but there's other factors in there as well.

I'm going to respond. It's just a matter of time and figuring what I am going to say.

[Naomi99]

Let's just say you are all correct and I am wrong and he is solely looking for sex. So what? Just because I respond doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

[tiredofvampires]

Naomi, I hate to say I told you so -- but I told you it would happen. You were so sure it wouldn't.

 

Memorable sex trumps pride for men a good deal of the time.

 

I don't think there's any use in trying to advise, because honestly, I think you're going to bite this bait. Because the above sentence is true for women, too.

 

But I'll tell you I think it's a mistake -- unless you go on a date with him that does not involve night-time and romantic settings, and say, "So, I'm an incredible woman. What does that mean? Does that mean you've changed your mind and want to commit to a real relationship? Because that's what I'm looking for in my life now." Ask him point blank. He can give you a better answer than us.

[Naomi99]

It's been two days and I still haven't responded.

 

It makes me sad that everyone here believes it's just pure raw sex he's after, because I actually miss him for more than just the sex. Don't get me wrong, I'm miss the sex with him as well, but even more so I miss his company. It's disheartening to think that wasn't the prime reason for his reaching out.

[notalady]

I don't know if he's looking for just sex, or company, or whatever, but what I can be fairly sure about after your previous thread and the current one, is that he isn't looking for anything serious with you.

 

He misses your company and thinks you're awesome, so what? What does it matter if he can't give you what you want (commitment and serious relationship)?

 

I've had a number of ex's come back to ask for a second chance over the years (a lot of them months later), it always goes something like this "I f***ed up, I didn't treat you right, I understand you might be dating someone else by now, but if not, would you give me another chance?"

 

Guys who want you seriously don't dance around the subject. They make themselves clear. You can make excuses such as he doesn't know if you're dating someone else. But the way I see it, if he wants to date you seriously, he would make that clear.

 

It's always the ones who don't want anything serious that throw around the vague, intangible terms that keeps you guessing.

 

I've had a previous FWB write me a card on my birthday from interstate where he had moved, to say happy birthday and that he still often thinks about me and our time together. Well that's nice that he remembered my birthday and still thinks about me, but does that mean he wanted a serious relationship with me? No, it does not.

[Naomi99]

I went on a third date earlier this week with a different guy who, in the middle of our date, drove me up to his parents' house and introduced me to his family. I was very uncomfortable and could not wait to get out there. When I got home, all I could do was complain to my GFs about how awkward and if this is what "serious" is, I don't think I am ready for it. I liked the guy in the beginning but after that family introduction thing, my attraction dried up and I do not foresee another date. I barely had time to bond with him and he throws his relatives in my face. Overwhelming.

 

Lo and behold the next day, I get the email from the doctor. While I'm not quite sure if he wants a relationship or not, I do know those casual days back then were much simpler than what I'm faced with now, and I think I should respond or I will forever be wondering why the reach-out. Most likely at his ripe age, he's the same noncommittal lizard he was a few months ago; however, I don't think there is a sure-fire way to know what he's thinking unless I ask. It will be good practice for me to assert myself for once.

 

There is no doubt we both miss each other, but I do think I'm viewing this from an entire different perspective than I was in July. I feel more confident and don't feel like I have much at risk. We both know where we stand. He opened the door. I miss him and I am curious.

 

If it's only sex, I will find out very quickly. I can always decline. Or sleep with him if I feel like it.

[tiredofvampires]

I actually do think there is a risk here. The risk is that you'll sleep with him (my prediction), after he says enough charming things and smothers you with ways to make you feel wanted, and you'll be thinking you don't NEED a relationship RIGHT THIS MOMENT. And then he will find ways to be more attentive, to make sure he staves off the agony he's gone through the last 2.5 months and you're more likely to stay.

 

At this point, you'll be more confused than you ever have been, because it'll be mixed messages and hot and cold. He'll be fighting his selfish instincts like never before, and every so often, they'll pop out and you'll be second-guessing everything, wondering if you're doing the right thing. He wasn't just sex for you -- you said you were in love with him. He's like crack -- remember?

 

Only this time he won't be so cavalier, so it could be much harder to walk away. Especially since you'll rationalize that this time, you went in knowing you wouldn't get a relationship out of him, so why walk out now? That then becomes a more arbitrary decision. When to leave again.

 

And you'll be dating other men with a half-heart, feeling something like you're cheating everyone a bit.

 

So. Eyes wide open.

[tiredofvampires]

By the way, there's some middle ground between meeting parents on the 3rd date and non-commitment forever.

[East4]

Naomi, I'm glad you received this e-mail from Doc, at least you know now that you mattered to him, beyond than just the sex. He has developed some attachment to you, as much as he didn't want to admit it..even to himself. The time apart and NC forced him to evaluate who you really are for him. He knows he is attached to you, he knows he misses you. The crucial question here is, how strong his attachment to you is. Is it stronger than his fears of commitment and relationships.

 

To me, 90% chance is that it is true what people here say-breadcrumbs, him being horny, lonely etc.

But..and this is a big but...there's 10% chance that he might be ready to try for higher.

 

If and only if you feel strong enough to pull the plug off again, in case he starts treating you like casual sex....then only then if you feel strong enough, shoot at him straight between the eyes with a reply like "so does that mean you want a relationship with me?" Do not let him beat about the bush/string you along. Balls to the wall this time. You have the power as of now.

[notalady]

By the way, there's some middle ground between meeting parents on the 3rd date and non-commitment forever.

 

Yep this.

 

It's not one extreme or the other. Both are bad, both are red flags in dating.

 

I'd run for the hills too if a guy wants me to meet his parents on a third date. Or fourth. Or fifth. You get the idea.

[missmarple]

The way I see things, you have 2 choices.

1. Never reply to him (which is what I would do).

2. Reply with East4's suggestion...so does that mean you want a relationship with me?...with anything other than 'yes' meaning you stop talking to him.

 

Anything else you do, in a couple of months you'll be here again, complaining why he won't commit to you.

[TMifune]

Her description of him, no malice intended from me!

 

I know, I just meant that her admission of her own behavior / attitude makes me think it's not really him so much as the dynamic that the two of them create. If she's being an "aloof highbrow" all the time, it's very likely that his "emotional lizardness" is a result of not feeling safe to be vulnerable.

 

If she thinks her behavior would be different this time, then maybe engaging him is worthwhile, but if she hasn't changed, then how likely is it that the dynamic will change?

 

Which number doctor is this?

[boltnrun]

Naomi, you want him to mean what you want him to mean. 1500 people could tell you he misses the sex and wants some and you'll insist he doesn't just want sex.

 

I believe you're going to give him chance #3. And you'll try to kid yourself that you're OK with what little he's willing to give you.

 

BUT...you really can't complain about his lack of consideration for you when you already know you'll have to park down the street and schlep groceries up the hill.

[Hollyj]

No, he wouldn't say "I want a relationship" on the first damn email after two months of silence. How does he know I don't have a BF or if I'm even alive or will respond? Ridiculous to put that expectation on someone.

I don't believe he is only looking for sex. Maybe 30 percent he is, but there's other factors in there as well.

I'm going to respond. It's just a matter of time and figuring what I am going to say.

 

 

No. What's ridiculous is you making such a big deal about his nothing email. And yes, if he wanted you back, he would have let you know.

 

These are crumbs that you have turned into a loaf.

[Naomi99]

Naomi, you want him to mean what you want him to mean. 1500 people could tell you he misses the sex and wants some and you'll insist he doesn't just want sex.

 

I believe you're going to give him chance #3. And you'll try to kid yourself that you're OK with what little he's willing to give you.

 

BUT...you really can't complain about his lack of consideration for you when you already know you'll have to park down the street and schlep groceries up the hill.

 

I don't even know there will be a third chance, BUT IF there is, I'm in a different frame of mind now, mostly I owe to this forum. I'm setting the frame for what I want and if it doesn't work, I'm leaving. And that includes that parking situation. I did it two months ago and it wasn't that hard, and I'll do it again if I need to. But I really want to hear what he has to say, if anything.

[Naomi99]

I know, I just meant that her admission of her own behavior / attitude makes me think it's not really him so much as the dynamic that the two of them create. If she's being an "aloof highbrow" all the time, it's very likely that his "emotional lizardness" is a result of not feeling safe to be vulnerable.

 

If she thinks her behavior would be different this time, then maybe engaging him is worthwhile, but if she hasn't changed, then how likely is it that the dynamic will change?

 

Which number doctor is this?

 

The original one.

I care way less now than I did back then, and that's how the dynamic will have changed. I don't even know if we will see each other. I gotta respond first.

[TMifune]

The original one.

I care way less now than I did back then, and that's how the dynamic will have changed. I don't even know if we will see each other. I gotta respond first.

 

If that's the only change, then I'd suggest looking toward someone new, that you can really care about without having to be guarded or play the 'who cares less' game.