Has He Changed his Tune?

[reinventmyself]

I also read this book wherein the author says if you want a commitment and he won't give you one, leave him and do not contact him. If he contacts you within eight weeks, that is the amount of time it takes for him to realize he's got to step it up before he loses you for good.

 

 

 

I don't know if it's hogwash or not. Probably so. But how will I know if I don't try?

 

Uhg . .please tell me you did not read `how to get your boyfriend back' trash.

Same thing / different day.

 

No one here is at all surprised he contacted you. Why are you?

 

He figured he'd wait you out and when the dust settles you'll return to the same dynamic. Pretty typical.

It's like asking a fish to fly. Even if he did want you. . There are sooooo many elements about him you shared with us about

him that are unacceptable.

So what if he wants you. . .So what?

That's one hurdle. Let's say now you have him.

What about all the other challenges? Do you think they all magically transformed as well?

That's a pretty tall order.

 

Look. . if he wanted something more he would make more of an effort.

You need to believe that you are worth more than half assed fishing expedition.

[reinventmyself]

shoot at him straight between the eyes with a reply like "so does that mean you want a relationship with me?" Do not let him beat about the bush/string you along. Balls to the wall this time. You have the power as of now.

 

This ^^^ !!!

[browneyedgirl36]

I actually knew he would contact you all along; how? I was in a similar situation for several years with my ex -- he always re-appeared in some way, whether by phone, text or e-mail. And yes, sometimes, he "wanted" me in the sense that he missed me and had been thinking a lot about me, and he wanted the sex and companionship, but...as soon as I gave him another chance, it was 'lather, rinse, repeat,' just like on the shampoo bottle.

 

I'm not saying people can't change, but...I don't think anything in this guy has drastically changed in the last few months. And, while you may have new information and a somewhat new attitude as a result of the advice you received on this forum, you are still VERY much in the same place that you were a few months ago regarding your feelings for him.

 

If you feel the need to test this out, go for it, but brace yourself: I think you're in for more of the same. Are you prepared to cut things off for good the second he starts getting iffy again?

 

I know I'm a bit biased based on my own experience -- I freely admit that -- but honestly, I've come to realize that, in 99% of cases (the other 1% being circumstances beyond people's control, which are few and far between) it's better to take your chances with someone who hasn't hurt you/dumped you/otherwise broken your heart in some way than to go back to someone who has. I've never regretted NOT giving someone another chance, but I've always ended up regretting it -- or realizing it was a mistake, anyway -- when I did.

[reinventmyself]

I actually knew he would contact you all along; how? I was in a similar situation for several years with my ex -- he always re-appeared in some way, whether by phone, text or e-mail. And yes, sometimes, he "wanted" me in the sense that he missed me and had been thinking a lot about me, and he wanted the sex and companionship, but...as soon as I gave him another chance, it was 'lather, rinse, repeat,' just like on the shampoo bottle.

 

 

I think this is one of lessons we all need to learn the hard way. I'll be you didn't listen to anyone during this time. I know I didn't!

It isn't till you walk away from running into the same wall over and over and wiping the blood off your forehead that you finally say

`Ohhhh, , I get it!'

[reinventmyself]

Lets just say he believes he's ready now.

But from what you've described he isn't capable.. period.

He may convince himself otherwise but you've gotten enough information to come to the conclusion that no matter how much

he may think he wants this in the moment. .

He is fundamentally unable to deliver. That doesn't change. Especially in his case at this point in his life.

If he was 20, maybe he can adjust.

Not now. .that window of opportunity for change has passed.

[lostandhurt]

He knows why you broke it off with him so he knows what he needs to say to get you back. Did he say that? Like you said it was an email not a text so he had plenty of time and room in that email to tell you how he has changed his mind.

 

Jeez he wouldn't even let you stay the night at his house when you were dating him.

 

You will respond (we all are pretty sure of that) and you will be disappointed by the outcome. The only question is how long will that take? One day or months?

 

Good luck and do what you feel is right for you. If you are willing to date a lizard who are we to try to tell you it isn't right for you.

 

Lost

[Naomi99]

Okay. I responded.

 

I said thank you for the nice words. And that I had recently watched a cartoon and he looked exactly like one of the characters and coincidentally they share the same name.

 

I did not say I missed him back or anything of substance because I think that should be said in person, not through an email. I kept it light and true to my nature. Polite and silly.

[reinventmyself]

Okay. I responded.

 

I said thank you for the nice words. And that I had recently watched a cartoon and he looked exactly like one of the characters and coincidentally they share the same name.

 

I did not say I missed him back or anything of substance because I think that should be said in person, not through an email. I kept it light and true to my nature. Polite and silly.

 

and this is how it begins. . . all over again.

[Naomi99]

At this point, no one knows anything about anything. I don't even know if he's going to ask me out!

 

If he does ask me out and I say yes, I have ZERO expectations from him and I already know what I am getting myself into. I believe I am strong enough to resist and walk away. If not, then you'll see another 500,000-post thread on here of me licking my wounds.

[tiredofvampires]

I think you have to recognize that what this is about is a massive ego boost. You feel desired, and validated by him. You feel vindicated that he wanted you and needed you in some way, that he broke down. That he wasn't so strong that he could resist forever, and that you weren't so easily forgotten. It's like he's paying his dues now for all the times you felt dismissed or unimportant when you were with him. Now you MATTER to him. It's an ego victory.

 

Don't confuse that inner process, which is all about you, with his motivations and intentions.

 

I also have to say, from experience, just the way you thought he'd never contact you again, you also think you're "in a different place now" and would be better able to cut it off. Once you're there, you're ensnared again by the same things that drew you in. Intoxicating sex. Feeling desired. Taking the few times he shows you affection and attributing more to them than they mean or are worth. I can almost assure you that the perspective you have now will not be the same then. You wouldn't play with this fire if it wasn't fire.

[Naomi99]

Lets just say he believes he's ready now.

But from what you've described he isn't capable.. period.

He may convince himself otherwise but you've gotten enough information to come to the conclusion that no matter how much

he may think he wants this in the moment. .

He is fundamentally unable to deliver. That doesn't change. Especially in his case at this point in his life.

If he was 20, maybe he can adjust.

Not now. .that window of opportunity for change has passed.

 

I know he's too old to change and he is what he is. That is part of what I liked about him. I think he truly misses me because it takes a lot for an emotionless lizard to tell someone what he did in that email. Others here say it was lazy. It may be lazy from a normal man. For him, it's a miracle he wrote that.

[tiredofvampires]

At this point, no one knows anything about anything. I don't even know if he's going to ask me out!

 

If he does ask me out and I say yes, I have ZERO expectations from him and I already know what I am getting myself into. I believe I am strong enough to resist and walk away. If not, then you'll see another 500,000-post thread on here of me licking my wounds.

 

Naomi, stop playing the "who knows what will happen! this could turn into nothing! I won't do this, he won't do that" card. It's a way of protecting yourself from truth. And acting strong, but it's not -- it comes off like an ostrich burying its head in the sand.

 

A poster asked you why dozens of posters saw this coming and you didn't. I wonder what your answer is to that?

 

So far, your "predictions" have not been all that impressive.

 

As I said in your mammoth thread, these things can only be learned through experience when you're bloodied. I'm glad more people seem to agree this time.

[Naomi99]

This is a really great post. I DO feel validated and vindicated and that I "won." And I do have to remember that this does not translate into him offering me a healthy relationship, which I admit is in the back of my mind that maybe he did change.

 

I miss him. What can I say?

[tiredofvampires]

I know he's too old to change and he is what he is. That is part of what I liked about him. I think he truly misses me because it takes a lot for an emotionless lizard to tell someone what he did in that email. Others here say it was lazy. It may be lazy from a normal man. For him, it's a miracle he wrote that.

 

So now he's courageous. And that must mean something -- got to give credit where credit is due.

 

Desperation will also make a person courageous.

 

And if you know he's too old to change, but your desire for a real relationship hasn't changed -- aren't you still at cross purposes with eachother? Why would it be more acceptable now for you to be with him than before, where his intimacy and commitment issues have not changed and neither have your relationship goals?

 

What has changed here, since you broke it off with him, other than that he broke down? I don't think it's lazy that he did. He ate his pride because it was less important than his loneliness and horniness being assuaged. Nothing that you decided you needed from him has changed and likely (I'm the most cynical one here, I give it a .1% chance) has changed for him either.

 

But if you're going to do this, do not wait for him to ask you out. I don't think your email was direct, or showed him a different you. The other poster is right. It's you creating exactly the same dynamic. If I were him, I'd be thinking, "SCORE, she's all mine now."

 

I would have done that very differently. I would have written, "Thank you for the compliment. I appreciate that. But I'm not clear on some things. Would you like to get together at (name your cafe) to chat?" That's all I would have said. Nothing cute, silly, whatever. Just mission-oriented. He needs to know you mean business. And then deliver it -- ask him the question point blank about whether he wants to have a relationship, a real relationship, a commitment. If he can't at that moment, face-to-face, look you in the eye and say he's a changed man, the right thing would be for you to say thank you for meeting me, goodbye.

 

That's a kind of strength that tops the passive strength of not responding to silence out of pride. This is a very demanding kind of strength, asking a lot of you.

 

You want to go "balls to the wall"? Then your way of relating to him is going to have to change, and so far, same ol same ol. Which predicts more same ol.

[tiredofvampires]

This is a really great post. I DO feel validated and vindicated and that I "won." And I do have to remember that this does not translate into him offering me a healthy relationship, which I admit is in the back of my mind that maybe he did change.

 

And the other risk, since I spoke about risks earlier, is that this feeling you "won" is going to be short-lived. The next time you have to walk away, you will feel you've "lost" by some multiple of 3, compared to the last time, for being a sucker. It's not going to be pretty for your self-esteem, which is now on cloud 9.

[East4]

This post says it all. Chapeux, ToV!

[reinventmyself]

This is a really great post. I DO feel validated and vindicated and that I "won." And I do have to remember that this does not translate into him offering me a healthy relationship, which I admit is in the back of my mind that maybe he did change.

 

I miss him. What can I say?

It's perfectly ok to miss him.

Heck I miss abusive exes that were toxic to me.

Doesn't translate in me wanting to reconcile tho!

Feel nostalgic, accept it for what is.

[Naomi99]

I don't know why I have to chat with him about this. We both know what is going on. I haven't agreed to anything and neither has he. If the situation arises, then we can chat. Right now, I think it's too premature. As it goes, I have no idea if he's had health set-backs or what his status is, nor he mine.

[Naomi99]

Anyway, the chance is not lost. I can still do what Vampire suggested balls-to-walls in another email or if he asks me out and I accept.

[tiredofvampires]

You have more control if you are the one to set the tone, the invitation, the place, the agenda. This is not him "asking you out." This is not a DATE.

 

You can keep dragging this out, keeping up this "intrigue", or you can deal with it, because it's a question of when you see this man, not if. It's too hard to pass up for you. So stop beating around the bush.

 

You want to stop acting passive? Then stop!

[reinventmyself]

So now he's courageous. And that must mean something -- got to give credit where credit is due.

 

Hiding behind a black screen pushing out an email doesn't make someone courageous, nor is it a miracle.

At least not in my book.

[tiredofvampires]

Hiding behind a black screen pushing out an email doesn't make someone courageous, nor is it a miracle.

At least not in my book.

 

Well, for someone very prideful who doesn't want to look like they're at all vulnerable, it does take some guts. Not glorifying it, but it still required him to muster up something big, for him. It's admitting to a weakness, and that's probably against his whole grain.

 

Like I said though, it's not the kind of courage or balls or admission that leads to real change and humility.

 

It just leads to getting the sex and pampering you miss.

[reinventmyself]

I don't know why I have to chat with him about this. We both know what is going on. I haven't agreed to anything and neither has he. If the situation arises, then we can chat. Right now, I think it's too premature. As it goes, I have no idea if he's had health set-backs or what his status is, nor he mine.

 

It's this very attitude that got you into the predicament you were in.

So which is it?

You are both working towards the same end goal or he's looking for more of the same?

 

After all you just said 'we both know what's going on'

 

If it's so clear then this post if for nothing, right?

You are both clear on everything.

[Naomi99]

For a finicky stubborn older man, I think it is.

 

Anyway I can still say NO, if or when he asks me out. And if he says why, then I can do balls-to-walls then.

 

I just don't feel it's appropriate to be calling for chats when he knows exactly why I left nor has he asked to see me.

[reinventmyself]

Well, for someone very prideful who doesn't want to look like they're at all vulnerable, it does take some guts. Not glorifying it, but it still required him to muster up something big, for him.

 

Correct me if I am wrong but if I remember correctly he was always capable of throwing her a bone. But that's about it.