I [28 M] told my fiancee [26 F] she could lose some weight. I'm in trouble...

[notalady]

I would be more worried about her conflict resolution and self esteem issues than I would be about her weight. In addition, most women a re motivated by an upcoming wedding to be in great shape. If she isn't, I would look to the underlying self esteem issues and I think you can expect this behavior for your marriage....however long it lasts.

 

I do agree with this.

[sargon]

If you marry her be prepared to see her put on a lot of weight.

[Seraphim]

I'm just really happy I married a guy who was happy with me at 22 and happy with me at any age or situation because I am ME.

[Hollyj]

I think she totally overreacted. So defensive. The email was over the top.

 

She needs to deal with her self esteem issues. No more apologies. You've done enough.

 

She knows she's out of shape, and is throwing this on you. She needs counseling.

[Ms Darcy]

If you marry her be prepared to see her put on a lot of weight.

 

I agree. I'm not saying this to be mean, but would you marry her knowing she would gain 35 non pregnancy pounds?

[abitbroken]

I think you took the wrong approach. You were BOTH lazy, and at some point you got it in you to change. She will do it when she is READY - just like you. Or not. Offer to cook and only cook healthy meals. Don't tell her you want her to lose weight, but because it helps you not to have chips around the house, etc. You both will feel better. The gym can be a repetitive drag for some people. Go biking. Go hiking. Go alone if you have to - plan to go and if she doesn't want to fine, but she may be bitten by the bug when she sees you are having fun. I think you made things too much about that one time she didn't want to go to the gym because she had things to do at home. Sometimes when you work all day and have some nights you have other plans, you do want a night to yourself.

 

Anyway - exercise for you and expect that she is who she is and love her for who she is, or nitpick that she is not as skinny as she used to be. you both got a little comfortable. I understand what people are saying that she is too defensive and you should take that into account if you want to still marry her, but one of the things you should not pick apart is a woman's weight. If she is so big that she waddles and needs a wheel chair because she is so winded, its one thing to lovingly talk about it, but if she's gained 15 lbs but is still generally healthy - what will you do when she is pregnant? Divorce her?

 

The problem now is she knew all the times you urged her to come with you to the gym is not because you wanted the workout partner, but because you don't want to marry a woman who has gained weight.

 

I was devastated by my ex sometimes in regards to my weight. Even if I was the right weight when we met, I was always too skinny to him later in the relationship even though I was the same weight as when we met. And then I gained some weight after I broke a bone in my leg and dislocated my hip and couldn't do much (i gained 12 lbs ) and you would have thought I was just right to him with the added weight, but I wasn't, I was chunky and was such a financial drain because I would have to spend money on new pants once I could wear something besides loose sweats, wrap skirts and shorts due to my injuries.

 

So either love her for who she is and expect that she will lose weight when she wants to - if she wants to - or leave her if you are not happy. If she is the weight she is and not buying all potato chips but is living healthy otherwise - you need to cut her a little slack.

[thejigsup]

If any man of mine had ever tried to goad me into going to the gym with him because I had gotten out of shape, something of his would be permanently out of shape, too. That is rude, just rude. She is sooo lucky to have you. Not.

[alli]

So when you say she had gotten out of shape, would you say she actually became overweight? For example, at my height there is a 41 pound weight range where a person would still fall into "normal weight" with a BMI between 18.5 and 24.9. Of course, this is only a guideline.

 

No one can deny that certain weights are desirable for aesthetic reasons. However, if her health is your primary concern you could both get some health screenings measuring your blood pressure, A1c & a lipid screening. Cardiovascular disease is the number one killer of women in the US if I remember correctly. It would be better if your diet and exercise routine is focused on improving these numbers, rather than the number on the scale. I think it would take the focus off of her appearance & place it where is belongs- on health.

 

Now might not be a good time to bring it up to her since this whole argument is so fresh, but I also think it would be a good idea for you both to see a dietician regularly. It looks like you both do a bit of yoyo dieting which really isn't good for you. Though you never did say exactly how much weight you guys fluctuate between. You need to aim your diet & exercise routine to be something you can maintain throughout your life. Maybe you won't be quite as fit as when you go at it hard for a few months. But it would be much better for you to maintain some consistency in your lifestyle changes. Continuing to see a dietician regularly might help to keep your focus and motivation on maintaining a healthy lifestyle for longer than a couple months.

 

As far as the whole argument, I can see both sides. I think your concern is valid. It really is important to maintain health when you are young or you will have a big hill to battle when you are older. But I can also see why she would be hypersensitive to comments on her weight as many women are, especially when she knows she has gained weight recently. But I also think it's unreasonable of her to expect you to compliment her, then dismiss you when you do it. And also to completely flip out when you are just trying to suggest taking action for something that you can both obviously see is happening. You may still find her attractive but you aren't blind to her weight gain and it's not like you said "hey fatty, get your butt to the gym".

[Seraphim]

Or maybe it is the gym environment she doesn't like . Personally, I despise it. I would rather be out in nature and the sunshine. Not under fake lights smelling other people's sweat and BO. Just a thought.

[DoF]

Or maybe it is the gym environment she doesn't like . Personally, I despise it. I would rather be out in nature and the sunshine. Not under fake lights smelling other people's sweat and BO. Just a thought.

 

Agreed

 

There is TONS of places to walk/run and I find that push ups, sit ups etc work best vs weight lifting.

 

I stay away from gyms/herds....

[superfan]

First of all, unless she falls into the category of "morbidly obese", her weight gain is unlikely to have ANY effect on her health. NONE.

 

You add that to the self esteem issues that she already clearly has, and telling her that you want her to go back to the gym for "her health" is not something she is gonna buy. And neither would I.

 

Here's the thing: you guys are both fairly young right now and as you said have been fairly active. You are about to get married, right? Are you going into the marriage assuming that you will both stay relatively the same weight forever? Because that's a pretty unrealistic assumption.

 

People's bodies change ALL the time.

 

As women age, their metabolism slows down. Weight loss is a bit harder for many and a lot put on weight in middle age. Sometimes health reasons or medications cause people to gain large amounts of weight. I know a number of people who have had to go on different types of meds for medical conditions and severe weight gain has been a side effect.

 

Injuries and inactivity can cause weight gain.

 

Depression and mental health issues can be causes for weight gain.

 

Pregnancy weight (as I am experiencing now) can sometimes be hard to shift, and/or the weight might re settle itself differently after the pregnancy. Her body might never be the same.

 

Genetic issues and/or thyroid or other medical conditions can cause weight gain.

 

She might not look this way forever, and if you can't deal with that then you shouldn't marry her. It's likely the fear she has right now because if you are that concerned over a bit of weight gain NOW, how are you going to feel about her if she gains weight a year from now, two years from now, ten years from now, etc.

 

If you feel like this would bother you significantly, then you shouldn't be getting married. It's fine to be concerned about being healthy and wanting to stay active, but if that is buried under a desire to look a certain way forever, then that has nothing to do with her health.

 

I would be more concerned right now for her mental health rather than her physical health. She is probably perfectly healthy physically but it sounds like she has some serious issues regarding her own self esteem.

 

YOU can't fix that, but you do need to be more sensitive about her own fears and insecurities. I have huge insecurities about my own weight (most women do) because we get taught by society from birth that our value is in our looks. She is afraid that by gaining weight you aren't going to stick around. If you are, you need to tell her that. You need to tell her that often, and you need to mean it.

 

My husband met me when I was very overweight. One of the things that reassures me about all the weight I am gaining in my pregnancy is that I know for a fact that he is not going anywhere if I gain 40lbs. It doesn't mean I am going to feel good about MYSELF, but I AM secure in his feelings for me no matter what weight I am.

 

She needs to feel that secure. She doesn't right now. I would be working on that.

[Seraphim]

Exactly. When you guys are 80 years old nobody's going to be working that thigh master . People are people and bodies change all the time. No one is 30 forever. The key to it is accepting that bodies change and bodies age and that's just the way it is . The only other alternative is a pine box.

[redswim30]

 

She needs to feel that secure. She doesn't right now. I would be working on that.

 

It's like you said earlier, though. Nothing HE says or does is going to fix HER insecurity. That is something for HER to work on, not him.

 

I don't discount that what he said could be considered insensitive. But it sounds like 99.9% of the time he is constantly reassuring her. Take it from someone who knows, being with someone who needs endless and unending validation 24/7 can become exhausting, even if you love them. Even if he is sensitive to her, he can't walk on eggshells constantly and worry that she is going to shun him if he makes a mistake

or has a bad moment. If so, this will be a VERY short marriage.

 

Yes, he should have dropped the issue the first time she said no. BUT, she is reacting in the extreme and her own self worth and sense of insecurity comes from within, not from him. Or at least it shouldn't have to. No One is responsible for your own self worth but YOU!

[superfan]

I am not saying he needs to fix her insecurities about her weight. Nobody can do that but her. However, he CAN reassure her that he will love her no matter what weight she is, which is something he may or may not have told her.

 

Right now all she knows is despite the fact that he keeps telling her she is attractive, he is also pushing her to go back to the gym "for her health". She knows that is code for "you've gained weight and I want you to lose it". Whether that is meant in a kind way or not is irrelevant. To her, it negates what he has said to her in the past and it makes their relationship less stable.

 

It's evident in her asking "do you still want to marry me"? She is likely worried that if she gains any more weight, he will leave her.

 

Again, the OP cannot fix her body image problems, but he CAN reassure her that he wants to be with her regardless of her weight and do so by re-iterating that fact IN THOSE WORDS as well as not bothering her about the gym and telling her constantly how beautiful she is just as she is.

 

The rest has to come from her.

[redswim30]

However, he CAN reassure her that he will love her no matter what weight she is, which is something he may or may not have told her.

 

Right now all she knows is despite the fact that he keeps telling her she is attractive, he is also pushing her to go back to the gym "for her health". She knows that is code for "you've gained weight and I want you to lose it". Whether that is meant in a kind way or not is irrelevant. To her, it negates what he has said to her in the past and it makes their relationship less stable.

 

It's evident in her asking "do you still want to marry me"? She is likely worried that if she gains any more weight, he will leave her.

QUOTE]

 

I think it's evident from his post though, that he HAS told her that.

 

I respectfully disagree that "for your health" is always a shallow code with a hidden agenda to lose weight due to "losing interest". I tell my husband sometimes that I think he should lose some weight for his health. I really do mean For. His. Health. But our relationship is solid enough to where he KNOWS that I am speaking honestly about genuine concern, not because I am in any way "less attracted" to him, or that I "wouldn't love him" if he gained even more weight. His family has a history of heart problems and diabetes, so I really do get concerned for his health and what weight gain "could" mean in relation to those factors. It in no way negates every time I've called him handsome, sexy or attractive. And he is mature enough to understand this without going into a frenzy about my "hidden intentions" or that I may leave him

for expressing a valid concern for this health. My husband has also said this to me at times, but I have enough confidence and self worth to say, "Yeah, I've put on a few pounds but I'm not really concerned"

I also know that he loves me and would not leave me over such shallow reasons.

 

I understand that her feelings got hurt, I'm not negating that. But I think after his apology for his insensitivity and his reassurance that he DOES love her and find her attractive, she should have let it go.

 

I find it ridiculous that even after he has repeatedly apologized and reassured her, that she is STILL making him jump through hoops to "Prove he loves her". This attitude is toxic to a marriage.

 

Yes, he made a mistake. But the penance she is trying to inflict upon him is overreaction. If she truly does not believe he would love her no matter what, without having to say very specific words, then she should absolutely not marry someone that she holds so little regard for and believes in her heart is that shallow in his.

[abitbroken]

redswim, I would agree with your advice if she went to the doctor and was told she is high risk for type II diabetes, or gained a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight and is complaining about being very winded and then "health" is legitimate and he doesn't have to mention weight. From what I have interpreted, she is just not the hard body she once was (and wasn't when they met, then got really into it, then stopped). I think it is more about him being so urgent and pushy when she really had a reason to not go that has hurt their relationship rather than attracting bees with honey. It was like the end of the world when she wouldn't go/life or death. He has to decide if he would be happily married if she never lost a pound

[Stay_home]

What you said was stupid, period. But I don't think you should be in the dog house for the rest of your life because of it. You both are or were at some point an active couple. So it's not like she was a stranger to maintaining physical fitness and good health. Not to mention, wasn't this a goal for you both? Wellness? I think that's good that you try to motivate her to continue on with her goal also, but you have to be very careful because there's a thin line between motivating someone to do something and making them feel ashamed for not accomplishing it. I also think what's dangerous is that the mood or climate of your relationship seems to be determined by the mood or climate of your fiancee. When she gets down on herself, her weight, her life and her looks, the relationship takes a dive. That's unfair for you because if it's always raining with her, then that moistens up your sunny day. I get that you're a couple and you're supposed to support her, but at some point she needs to understand how that affects the overall ebb and flow of the relationship's health. I think she will hold this comment you made about her weight over your head and unfortunately use it to manipulate you into not motivating her out of fear that you might cross the line again. That will benefit her from no longer having to talk about her weight or motivating her to go to the gym. You'll remember what happened the last time you brought it up and won't touch it again with a 10ft pole. In my opinion, that's an even bigger disadvantage for her in the relationship, having someone that's afraid to communicate with you. Also, is she stressed about something else in her life that's preventing her from wanting to workout like she used to?

 

Your overall physical health is very important and although it may be a touchy subject, it's still an important conversation to have if one of you has a particular lifestyle that could later be detrimental. I know a lot of women may judge this situation from an emotional standpoint of hurt feelings but it is what it is. If I love you and we are together for a long time then I need you to understand how important health is to me and that we maintain a life of good health. Good health is not looking like Mr. Universe or being able to sprint a mile in under five minutes, that's not good health. Good health is eating nutritious and healthy foods, getting the proper rest, mental health and avoiding an indulging lifestyle of succumbing to your inner temptations that are a hindrance to your growth as a person.

 

Best of luck.

[youareworthy]

Dear Infinity,

 

I know this is long, but hopefully it has helpful insights that will be a blessing to you and your fiancee.

 

First, some quick reactions to a few things you wrote. After that, I will tell you what I think is at the core of this situation.

 

“No, I don't think you're any fatter than you have been."

Yep, it was a mistake, but not a deal-breaker. It just played into a bigger issue going on inside her. I’m glad you could both laugh it off. It should be just a learning experience for both of you. In a few years, you could make fun of yourself for this.

 

I told her that although I thought she wasn't as fit as she used to be, I still find her physically attractive, beautiful, and sexy …and that fitness was something we both needed to work on.

You were telling the truth, both in fitness, and in attractiveness. She is just hearing it through the lens of her perceptions of herself. More on this below.

 

She sent me pictures comparing her physique at different points in time. She told me that she had lost weight and gotten in better shape over the course of our relationship, which is true.

Sending those pictures shows she is feeling really defensive about her current weight and fitness level. Poor sweetie!

 

My first reaction upon reading the email was to retort, but I refrained from doing so as I didn't think it would get us anywhere.

Well done, you. Always wise not to retort in the heat of the moment.

 

I tried not to look into that too much because the wound is still fresh and she is upset at me.

It is wise of you not to read too much into those comments. She is hurting right now, and is saying things that reflect that hurt, but this is probably not a reflection of her overall feelings about you or your upcoming marriage.

 

I'm now worried that I've done irreparable damage to the relationship and it will never be the same. I'm worried she will never believe my compliments and reject them as lies, even more so than she has in the past. I'm worried that our sex life will suffer because she doesn't think I find her physically attractive. I'm worried that this will forever be the elephant in the room.

You are overwhelmed with worries right now! Poor darling. Take some deep breaths. Give your brain extra oxygen. (I mean that literally. Stop and take some deep breaths. That always helps me when worries start to dog-pile on me!)

 

I'm angry at how she is taking it because I feel that she has jumped to conclusions that are false and has now built up a narrative in her head about how I feel about her.

Yeah, it is so frustrating when the other person totally misinterprets what you are saying. Ugh.

 

I can also admit that being a male, I just don't get it.

 

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE HEART OF THE MATTER:

 

Many men do not realize: millions of women feel insecure about their physical appearance and attractiveness. It is nearly universal for us.

 

Women in general feel hurt and defensive when others make less-than-positive remarks about their weight or fitness. Even between women, we need to be careful. I cannot just say to a woman friend of mine, “Hmm. It looks like you’ve put on a few pounds. Maybe you should work out more, or eat fewer chips. Maybe you can come to my spinning class with me.” No way. She would feel hurt, no matter how good my intentions are. The best things to do are to take care of my own fitness (which sets a good example), love my friend unconditionally, praise the positive choices she makes, and never judge her.

 

Finally, I had found the motivation to go the gym and get healthy again, so I was trying to motivate her to go with me and hold her accountable, just as she held me accountable back in April.

I understand. You were so motivated by her approach back in April! Naturally, you assumed that same method would motivate anybody. But clearly she is not responding to that method of motivation the same way you did. Really, that isn’t too surprising, since you are unique individuals, not cookie cutters.

 

She knew herself that she was falling out of shape, as she had, with no provocation from me, told me that she was getting fat and wanted to get in shape.

Your fiancee knows that she has gained some weight and is less fit than before. She is already condemning herself for that. Your encouragement to her to go the the gym is being heard through that lens. She hears it as you must be thinking less of her, or must be less attracted to her, or you must be judging her because of her changing fitness and figure.

 

This part brings up an important general principle in all relationships: a person is allowed to complain about a situation in his/her own life, but when others join in, their comments are usually not welcome. For example:

o My friend complains to me about her son’s challenging behavior. I say, “Yeah, it has always bothered me when he does that,” she immediately reacts in defense of her son.

o My (ex-)husband complained about some of his mother’s really annoying traits. In a later conversation, I made the same complaints about her. He got all defensive of her and angry at me.

o My ex remarried. His wife told him she felt bad about putting on weight in her thighs and wanted to get in shape. The next time he went on a bike ride he invited her. She was thinking about joining him, until he said, “You said you wanted to get back into shape. Bike riding is great for your thighs.” She got really hurt and furious, and refused to go riding. My psychologist said, “Yeah! If I had been his wife, I would have baked a pan of brownies and eaten the whole thing after a comment like that!”

 

She has always had some problems with body image, to the point where even before this, she sometimes struggles to believe that I find her physically attractive.

Been there, done that. Classic female response.

 

I have always insisted that I find her beautiful and sexy and that I am physically attracted to her, and I do my best to compliment her regularly.

Good job. Keep doing that. Eventually, it will help erase the negative messages in her head.

 

The only problem is that many times these compliments are rejected, e.g., if I tell her I think she is sexy she says something like "No, I'm not" or "You have to say that". It's at the point where she occasionally has a hard time being naked around me, because she doesn't like her body and doesn't think I should either. But when she's naked around me, I'm almost always checking her out, or paying her a compliment.

 

This is one of the key points. Your words of praise and admiration do not match what she believes to be true about herself. That’s why she rejects them. It’s not your fault. But you need to understand where she is coming from.

Many women have a hard time believing men find them hot when the women themselves don’t feel they are.

 

{Personal experience excerpt}

Many years ago I dated a man when we were both very young and slender. Over the 3 ½ years we dated, my weight ranged from 115 to 135 pounds depending on my age, diet and activity level. (His also fluctuated, probably about the same 20 pound range.) Regardless, he was consistently very sexually attracted to me, and I was to him. After we broke up, we didn’t communicate again for over 30 years.

When we reconnected, I was at my lifetime highest weight of 190 pounds. It took me a long time to really believe that he was still EXTREMELY sexually attracted to me even at that weight. I finally understood that he is attracted to ME: my personality, my character, my inward beauty, my mind. He also really likes my outward attributes, but the externals are just part of the whole package. When it finally sunk in that my weight was absolutely not an issue for him, I felt so unconditionally loved and accepted, that I effortlessly, even unintentionally, lost 45 pounds in the next ten months!!! He loves me just as much at this weight.

 

Also, when I look back at the year or so when I weighed 190, I realize I still got asked out, even by decent men I met on the sidewalk! I had short, graying, curly hair, a dowdy figure, and an unstylish wardrobe, yet I was still attracting good men. Regularly. Go figure… Really, women often don’t realize what turns a man on. Yes, it’s the visual, but it’s so much more.

 

She asked for further clarification on exactly what I meant in regards to her specifically.

When she pressed you for a specific statement about her weight and fitness, you were in a difficult spot. When you said, truthfully, that both of you need to lose weight and get fit, she saw it as a criticism of her, even a rejection of her. But if you had told her that you find her very sexy and desireable regardless of her present weight or fitness level (which is also true), then she would accuse you of lying---BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE PRESENTLY BELIEVES ABOUT HERSELF. So neither response was going to make her happy. You were in a lose-lose situation.

 

BOTTOM LINE:

Here is what I would suggest you do:

 

When you two are in a relaxed time, no pressing appointments, and not too tired, sit down and tell her that you love her very much, and that no matter what her weight and fitness level are, you are still HIGHLY attracted to her. Tell her about the comment about checking her out when she is naked.

 

Tell her that you have been very excited to be getting yourself back into shape, but that you have been missing your beautiful work-out buddy. Tell her that although you are having a good time working out with your friend, you would be having much more fun if she were there instead. Tell her that when you two worked out together in April, that was a great time for you two. Also offer other fitness activities. I agree with the post that says the smelly gym is not the nicest environment.

 

Suggest some of the fun outdoor activities you used to do, like biking, climbing. They are much better for your lungs, your joy, and you relationship than using weight machines.

 

Tell her that you have been asking her to join you at the gym because you are taking a leaf from her excellent book. Tell her how smart she was to prod you, and drag you to the gym with her in April, because it really motivated you, and you two had a blast during that time. So you had thought that prodding her and dragging her to the gym would be helpful and positive for her, just as it had been for you. But now you realize that that method is not making her feel good. Tell her you won’t bug her to go with you to the gym. (But you WOULD rather be smiling and happy next to her beautiful sweet self than suffering next to a smelly guy friend.) Then kiss her gently, lovingly, to reinforce that you really, truly do love her, regardless of what she weighs. Tell her you love the REAL her, the package deal, everything about her, not just the outward appearance.

 

I WOULD NOT MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL.

THIS KIND OF INSECURITY ABOUT HER APPEARANCE IS EXTREMELY COMMON.

IF EVERY COUPLE BROKE UP EVERY TIME A WOMAN FELT INSECURE ABOUT HER WEIGHT, ALMOST NO ONE WOULD BE TOGETHER!

[SURPRISE]

Women never respond well to weight conversations. The best thing you can do is increase your outdoor activities together, that way you are both getting some exercise without having to say anything

[youareworthy]

OK, Surprise. You said in two sentences what I said in 2.5 pages. Shame on me! Kudos to you! Youareworthy.

[sargon]

Women never respond well to weight conversations. The best thing you can do is increase your outdoor activities together, that way you are both getting some exercise without having to say anything

 

Who cares how she responds. She's fat, she needs to know it's going to turn her guy off and maybe even lead to the eventual demise of the relationship, along with diabetes, blood pressure, and higher chances of heart attack and stroke.

 

Do her (and yourself) a favor and don't spare her the honesty.

 

Honey there's no easy way to say this.. you're putting on weight. A LOT of weight, and it's not good for you and it's not good for me, we need to work on this together.

[SURPRISE]

LOL youareworthy! Sargon, you can try my method first and if it don't work then give your solution a try. I have watched my ex's mom tell her that and she would become irate so I stayed away from it. My ex tried to friend me a couple months ago after 20 years divorced and she was very big! Guess she should have listened to her mom! LOL

[sargon]

There's other ways to get the point accross if you can't be so direct.

 

Wait til she asks you if "she looks fat in this dress".

 

Well honey.. you asked..

[youareworthy]

Dear Sargon,

 

I didn't think the OP ever said she was "fat," or "put on A LOT of weight." But perhaps I misunderstood. I though the point of the original post was his sorrow over offending her by frequently suggesting she go to the gym with him, and his concern about her image of herself as being less attractive, when he actually still finds her sexy and attractive.

 

Thank heavens it isn't true in every relationship that putting on some weight or being less fit necessarily means "it's going to turn her guy off and maybe even lead to the eventual demise of the relationship." Men are not always turned off by a curvaceous, generously endowed woman. Some men even prefer women with larger builds. I was hit on a lot when I weighed 190 and wore size 16 and 18 clothes. Also, what people find attractive varies from culture to culture. I was consistently asked out by black American, Latino, and African men when I was heavier. After I lost 45 pounds, the white men in my life started paying attention, too. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[sargon]

If she was thin when they met, then that's obviously what he's attracted to.

 

If she gets fat down the line, that's not what he bargained for and he's probably going to lose attraction.

 

So called "marriage goggles" only work so far..