I [28 M] told my fiancee [26 F] she could lose some weight. I'm in trouble...

[infinity8245]

Hi all, I could use some advice from you on how to handle the situation that I've gotten myself into.

 

First a little background: My fiancee and I were just recently engaged, but have been together for almost 3 years. We have a great and supportive relationship and things go very smoothly the vast, vast, majority of the time. We are both active people who enjoy road cycling, mountain biking, hiking, backpacking, rock climbing, and whatever else we can do outside (we live in Colorado).

 

With all that being, here is where I ed up. In the last few months, both of us become pretty lazy. We've been active here and there, but it hasn't been at nearly the frequency that it used to be. Our diets also haven't been that great the last month or so. We have both gained weight recently, and noticing this first about myself, I started to make plans to do something about it. I got myself a workout and clean eating plan from a friend of mine who is a personal trainer, and began going to the gym 2-3 times per week. I pushed my fiancee to come with me so that we could both work on our fitness together. On many of the times, it has been like pulling teeth to get her to come with me even if we had made previous plans, because she (by her own admission) lacks the motivation right now. The reason I've been so gung-ho about getting her to come to the gym with me is because nearly half a year ago, our situations were reversed. She was super motivated to work out and I was not, and through her prodding and dragging me a few times, I really got into the swing of things and appreciated her efforts. Hence why I was doing the same to her.

 

Now, a couple of days ago, I mentioned going to the gym on one of my regular nights and she informed me she wasn't going to go with me. I inquired as to why and she mentioned that she needed time to clean some things around the house and complete a few other chores. I persisted, telling her that I would be happy to help her out around the house after the gym, and that she should come with me as my gym buddy. She retorted that since I now have another friend to go with, it didn't matter if she went with me to the gym anymore or not. This back-and-forth exchange continued for a while and I was getting pretty frustrated, especially since as I mentioned before, it has always been such an ordeal to get her to come workout with me. She finally demanded to know what I was getting at and I said that we both fell out of shape and had been lazy lately so I was trying to get both of us to eat healthier and workout more. The conversation devolved from here.

 

She took what I said extremely personally and asked several follow up questions which I carefully tried to answer. I never directed anything directly at her, but insisted that both of us needed to work on getting back to being healthy and in shape. (Including myself in this dialog is absolutely true, and I didn't just rope myself into it to spare her feelings. As I said, I'm not exactly the pinnacle of health at this point in time). Somewhere in the argument, she asked for further clarification on exactly what I meant in regards to her specifically. I tried to be as sensitive as possible and said that she wasn't as fit as she had been and once again told her that it wasn't just her, it was me as well. I wasn't feeling particularly great about myself.

 

Now, it is important to know that she knew herself that she was falling out of shape, as she had, with no provocation from me, told me that she was getting fat and wanted to get in shape. She has always had some problems with body image, to the point where even before this, she sometimes struggles to believe that I find her physically attractive. I have always insisted that I find her beautiful and sexy and that I am physically attracted to her, and I do my best to compliment her regularly. The only problem is that many times these compliments are rejected, e.g., if I tell her I think she is sexy she says something like "no I'm not" or "you have to say that". It's at the point where she occasionally has a hard time being naked around me, because she doesn't like her body and doesn't think I should either. But when she's naked around me, I'm almost always checking her out, or paying her a compliment.

 

It is also worth noting that before this argument I had never said anything negative about her body except for one instance in which I jumbled my words as a totally innocent mistake and apologized profusely afterwards. A few months ago, she asked me if I thought she had gotten fatter and what I meant to say was "no, I don't think you've gotten fatter and I don't think you're fat" but what came out instead was "no, I don't think you're any fatter than you have been". It was a total accident and we were able to laugh it off because it was kind of comical at the time.

 

With that background out of the way, perhaps it more clearly illustrates exactly how she might be feeling. She got really upset about me saying she wasn't as fit as she used to be, told me that her body image was already terrible and now I ruined it, and then said that what I said in the argument totally negates any compliments she has ever received from me and that she thinks I was lying. I told her that although I thought she wasn't as fit as she used to be, I still find her physically attractive, beautiful, and sexy, but she didn't believe me. I also continued to tell her that fitness was something we both needed to work on. I never once said she was fat or told her that I found her physically unattractive. She began extrapolating all sorts of things from the few words I said, put words in my mouth, and jumped to all sorts of crazy, dramatic conclusions. At that point I was getting really frustrated so I told her that I didn't say, imply, or believe any of those things she was saying and I disengaged from the situation to cool off. We went to bed angry/upset at each other.

 

Flash forward to the next morning. I receive a very snarky email from her in the morning about how she resents what I said, has been active here and there, and sent me pictures comparing her physique at different points in time. She told me that she had lost weight and gotten in better shape over the course of our relationship, which is true. She ended the email with saying that if I had a problem with her figure, it was my problem and not hers. But what she missed that I was getting at is that earlier this year in April, her and I were really hitting the gym hard and eating well and had gotten in really good shape, and we had both strayed from that point in time. Moreover we were both unhappy with our physical state as of late and had communicated to each other that we should do something about it. Finally, I had found the motivation to go the gym and get healthy again, so I was trying to motivate her to go with me and hold her accountable, just as she held me accountable back in April.

 

My first reaction upon reading the email was to retort, but I refrained from doing so as I didn't think it would get us anywhere. Instead, I apologized profusely, told her my words got away from me and I said some things I didn't mean, and that I am truly sorry and want to make it up to her any way that I can. I followed up by telling her I still think she is beautiful and sexy and that I find her physically attractive. She told me thank you for apologizes and for the compliments. I told her that I hope she can forgive me when she is ready and I can give her space until then. And I was truly sorry for hurting her and saying things the way I did. We all make mistakes, and I definitely made one.

 

That night, I was planning to give her space, but we had some wedding planning things to deal with that needed to be dealt with together so we did that. While we were doing that, she asked me if I still wanted to marry her and I said "of course". I asked her the same question and she told me "just don't be a " or took a very long time to respond and said "yeah...". I tried not to look into that too much because the wound is still fresh and she is upset at me, but what she said and how she said it definitely concerned me. I asked if she thinks she could forgive me and get over it and she said, "I don't know, maybe, or maybe not", which is also concerning.

 

I'm now worried that I've done irreparable damage to the relationship and it will never be the same. I'm worried she will never believe my compliments and reject them as lies, even more so than she has in the past. I'm worried that our sex life will suffer because she doesn't think I find her physically attractive. I'm worried that this will forever be the elephant in the room. I feel terrible for hurting her but I'm also angry at how she is taking it because I feel that she has jumped to conclusions that are false and has now built up a narrative in her head about how I feel about her. I can also admit that being a male, I just don't get it.

 

Is there any advice that anyone can give me here? I know that healing takes time, but I want to do what I can to make things right. And like I said, I'm worried that I've forever hurt this relationship and things will never be the same. Help please?

 

TL;DR: Told my financee that we were both unfit and needed to get in shape together. She took that very poorly and would like to make things right. I'm also worried that I've ruined this relationship.

[Helpexpressme]

The way you make things right is to not mention her weight again. And not to ask her to the gym again.

 

Just let it blow over. If you want to be fit that's great, but obviously she wants to be left alone in that department. Maybe she feels comfortable with you that she dosn't feel the need to be slim. Maybe she'll get back into it. But you can't force someone to do something they don't wanna do.

[DoF]

I think you shoudl start questioning proceeding to marriage with this lady.

 

Defensiveness and offensiveness you received from her, it's not good. These 2 things literally KILL relationships.

 

I would have a serious conversation with her. Tell her that you need to be able to communicate ANYTHING with her and you 2 need to discuss it like adults and in a healthy manner. This is the key to healthy long term relationship.

 

This should be your "fighting rules". No offensiveness or defensiveness.

 

Tell her that you are concerned about her weight for 2 reasons. 1, her health, which is very important and also #2, because you feel you might be losing attraction towards her.

 

She shoudl take you seriously and LISTEN as well as take action.

 

What do they say?

 

" if someone is not pushing you to be the best person you can be, is not pushing themselves to be the best person they can be, are not a positive or healthy influence in your life they are simply NOT worth being around".

 

Anyways, I have a lot of experience on this end. My wife used to be just like that. Get all upset, defensive and offensive about it.

 

The best approach I found? Money sees, monkey do. YOU go and lose the weight, chances are high this will drive her to do the same.

 

If not, at some point you will have to revisit this and see if her weight is a deal breaker. In general, person that is doing damage to themselves and not taking care of their body is not the best person to be with. This will take a toll on her health and your finances in time.

 

That's the sad truth.

 

I wish women would start taking their loved one seriously on this issue. We love you and want you to be healthy!!! Looking out for you.

 

yet, we receive "you jerk" and "enemy" type of treatment.

I feel that what you are doing is just that, pushing her and yourself to be the best person you can be.

 

Took my wife decade to understand that.

 

PS. I've lost 55 lbs and my wife is at 30lbs and losing more.

 

I think it's each partners responsibility in the relationship to always push each other to be the best person they can be!!!

[j.man]

There are certainly good and bad ways to convey the message, but there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to maintain good health.

 

"Not any fatter than you have been..."

 

Sorry, bud, but that one's gonna sting whether you laughed it off in the moment or not.

 

This is something you should sit down and clear the air over because it's no secret that health very often takes a back seat post-marriage. You've already seen the signs prior to it. Sitting down and talking to her and explaining how worried you are and not wanting to be that couple (keeping it about both of you) might get you a bit further.

 

How would you handle it if two years into the marriage, she gained another 50 pounds?

[DoF]

There are certainly good and bad ways to convey the message, but there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to maintain good health.

 

"Not any fatter than you have been..."

 

Sorry, bud, but that one's gonna sting whether you laughed it off in the moment or not.

 

This is something you should sit down and clear the air over because it's no secret that health very often takes a back seat post-marriage. You've already seen the signs prior to it. Sitting down and talking to her and explaining how worried you are and not wanting to be that couple (keeping it about both of you) might get you a bit further.

 

How would you handle it if two years into the marriage, she gained another 50 pounds?

 

Agreed

 

Approach it from "health" perspective or "damage to yourself"........"not caring about yourself" etc.

[Seraphim]

Unfortunately women get taught from infancy how they look matters more than anything else. So you are probably never going to find a woman that doesn't have some sort of body issue unless she's lived in a cave since birth and never encountered another human being, like ever.

 

How we feel about our weight being brought up and discussed and ruminated about is how men feel about their Wienerschnitzel being laughed at.

[DoF]

Unfortunately women get taught from infancy how they look matters more than anything else. So you are probably never going to find a woman that doesn't have some sort of body issue unless she's lived in a cave since birth and never encountered another human being, like ever.

 

How we feel about our weight being brought up and discussed and ruminated about is how men feel about their Wienerschnitzel being laughed at.

 

That's not so bad, it shoudl be laughed at. Our privates are freaking disgusting and ugly! Not sure what you women see in it, but just glad that you do.

 

laugh all you want. Heck matter a fact both me and my wife make jokes about it all the time!!! We even have names. I know at the end of the day, when hard her opinion is totally opposite, she loves it and that's really all that matters!

 

 

 

I don't like people that act or pretend and are not in touch with REALITY. I'm sorry.

[Seraphim]

Have you seen the number penis threads on here dude? Obviously more than one man is worried about it. And guess what they don't believe either when you tell them it's fine.

 

However ,when one sees a female infant why don't we tell her oh my goodness look at how smart you are! What is the go to message? Oh yeah ,look at how pretty you are. Instead of that say, wow damn she's smart or she'll be one hell of a rugby player. What is the first thing said when you see a little boy infant? It sure ain't the hell how pretty he is.

[DoF]

Have you seen the number penis threads on here dude? Obviously more than one man is worried about it. And guess what they don't believe either when you tell them it's fine.

 

However ,when one sees a female infant why don't we tell her oh my goodness look at how smart you are! What is the go to message? Oh yeah ,look at how pretty you are. Instead of that say, wow damn she's smart or she'll be one hell of a rugby player. What is the first thing said when you see a little boy infant? It sure ain't the hell how pretty he is.

 

I have no idea what you are talking about, getting at or anything.

 

But OK

[mhowe]

I would be more worried about her conflict resolution and self esteem issues than I would be about her weight. In addition, most women a re motivated by an upcoming wedding to be in great shape. If she isn't, I would look to the underlying self esteem issues and I think you can expect this behavior for your marriage....however long it lasts.

[j.man]

Unfortunately, there's nothing men can do behaviorally to change our penis size.

 

There may be no way to completely tactfully bring up weight with women, but while not fun, sometimes it's a subject that needs bringing up.

 

I do feel bad for the standards pushed on women and of course would never blame a woman for not responding enthusiastically when their partner approaches them about weight. But how the OP's fiancee has responded doesn't look good for his expectations.

[DoF]

Unfortunately, there's nothing men can do behaviorally to change our penis size.

 

There may be no way to completely tactfully bring up weight with women, but while not fun, sometimes it's a subject that needs bringing up.

 

I do feel bad for the standards pushed on women and of course would never blame a woman for not responding enthusiastically when their partner approaches them about weight. But how the OP's fiancee has responded doesn't look good for his expectations.

 

Sure, but at the same time, when your loved one comes to you and has a concern with , one should take it seriously.

[localvet]

What is interesting is that you both got lazy and lost motivation to do what was once normal. Perhaps your relationship is dying and depression...etc.

You should only get better and better not worse.

[HLnoelle]

Personally I think your approach was really good. I think being in a good relationship means being strong for the other person when they are having a tough time, and vice versa. She should at least acknowledge all the effort you have been putting into trying to motivate her. I agree the comment you slipped up on wasn't great, but at the same time you have to learn not to let things get to you and acknowledge maybe that it hurt but then get over it rather than harping on it. I was in a relationship a year ago that was really good, and he made a comment that my butt was a little bigger than it used to be but it wasnt a bad thing. It kind of hurt for like a second, but I realized his comment was innocent and used it as a motivator that hey maybe I could improve on this regardless. If she is no longer motivated anymore I would really consider if this is a deal breaker for you. Because there is a possibility that she might not bounce back, and will continue to gain weight. You can be politically correct all you want these days with the media saying now to love those curves. I agree it is important to love yourself because otherwise how can you make change? But the end goal is to change and be healthier right? I just don't see how this attitude is effective when obesity is already such a problem in the U.S. It goes the other way too, being too skinny can be a health issue. Really just depends on your body type. Anyways, to get back to the point. Keep doing what you're doing, but just keep in mind that if nothing works you might need to rethink some things in the relationship. Good for you for noticing when to get back at it, that's very hard to do sometimes.

[mhowe]

You said you just recently got engaged. How long have you been together and what was the reason for getting engaged? Next logical step? Everyone else was doing it? To prove something or prevent a break up?

[Seraphim]

Or how about this approach. .,, baby, on Saturday morning we are going to bike the most beautiful trail in Colorado and at the end of that trail there's going to be the most romantic picnic waiting for you. Instead of well, um yer ass has gotten fat you want to pump some iron with me and my home boys?

[Seraphim]

Because hey I will go biking for kilometers for a nice picnic but I am not going to go pump iron with somebody's home boys.

[redswim30]

I would be more worried about her conflict resolution and self esteem issues than I would be about her weight. In addition, most women a re motivated by an upcoming wedding to be in great shape. If she isn't, I would look to the underlying self esteem issues and I think you can expect this behavior for your marriage....however long it lasts.

 

^Took the words out of my mouth. I'd say she needs a psychiatrist more than a gym.

 

Her reaction is extreme and the fact that she can't seem to let it go is worrisome. If you guys have been together that long, she should understand what your intentions were even if your phraseology was poor in the moment. You made a mistake, she should let it go. But instead, she not only overreacts, she goes to great lengths to "prove you wrong" and "punish" you, even to the point where wedding planning brings her no joy? That's scary.

 

She seems to have deep seeded body image problems that won't be resolved by you simply telling her she's beautiful. The older women get, especially women who already have body image issues, typically speaking the MORE they tend to struggle with body image (aging, weight gain, etc). So please bear in mind that this is likely to only get much worse in time if she doesn't seek professional help.

 

But even more troubling is her incredible immaturity. She is planning her wedding. This should be the happiest time of her life.

 

She clearly does not know how to resolve conflict in a mature, fair and respectful manner. You two absolutely need to have a discussion about this before getting married.

You "accidentally" insulted her when it wasn't even intended and apologized. In a long marriage, that is a total non-issue.

 

How will she respond over big, much more emotionally difficult issues? I'd nip this in the bud right now, otherwise, this behavior will only get worse and result in a less than pleasant marriage consisting of holding you emotionally hostage any time you make a simple mistake.

[itsallgrand]

I agree that this goes way beyond a poorly chosen comment you made. My take is she is using manipulation tactics rather than communicating because she has some severe self esteem issues.

Those issues need to be addressed. I think you missed the mark because you were focused on weight, where this is actually the real problem.

If those other issues were not there, you could have a conversation that doesn't necessarily go perfectly and work through it rather quickly.

You can't because she is fixated on her own ideas here of what is really going on. And you have sort of allowed her to get away with that by indulging her issues.

You can respect a person having issues without indulging them (right now, I wouldn't be kissing her butt, because her reaction is now way over the top to the original incident).

[pippy longstocking]

I think it's a right old fuss about nowt'

 

she needs to quit the drama

you need to realise we puff unicorns and rose petals out of our @rses and do no wrong

and I need to probably stop smoking

[j.man]

and I need to probably stop smoking the day I stop posting on these forums.

[itsallgrand]

I think it's a right old fuss about nowt'

 

she needs to quit the drama

you need to realise we puff unicorns and rose petals out of our @rses and do no wrong

and I need to probably stop smoking

 

Have I told you how awesome you are lately?! Cause you are.

[pippy longstocking]

Have I told you how awesome you are lately?! Cause you are.

 

j and grandy you so know I am lording it up now and going to get told off

[LC8328]

OK, so, OP, here's my input. Your post could totally have been about my husband and me, except for a few identifying details.

 

Weight is a sensitive issue with me too but he has NEVER made me feel terrible about it. Here's your GF's point of view.

 

She 'knows' she isn't as fit as she used to be. Therefore. she finds it hard to believe when you compliment her body. Seriously. And not necessarily because she's fishing for a compliment. You complimenting on how sexy she is to her is literally like telling someone who is unable to walk, "You must dance real nice, huh?" Even though you are sincere, she doesn't see it that way at all. It's almost like a further insult to compliment her because in her eyes it's just not possible, so you're obviously being a sarcastic jerk.

 

In the same vein, obviously she doesn't want you to actually be a jerk either and tell her she is fat. So, as others have pointed out, the issue is with her. Yes, she has issues, and they are her issues, and she is making them yours.

 

When I was much thinner, I have been told some very rude things about this by a now-ex. What you did here, OP, is absolutely not insulting. If it does come up again, I think you would be wise to point out that you were only returning the favor she did for you back in April. You didn't just walk up to her and say, "Hey, missy. Get rid of that fat pronto." You were just trying to encourage her WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID FOR YOU.

 

I agree with the others that it is a red flag in terms of how you two will communicate during your marriage. She needs to get a grip, stop taking things so personally, and like someone else said, just look everything in an objective manner. Which is obviously not easy for many of us. But you, as her future husband, will have to be able to talk to her about these things without fearing you said something wrong.

 

And I DEFINITELY agree that you shouldn't kiss her butt anymore. No more "I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and I..." Just no. It wasn't your fault. At best it was a communication issue. At worst, she needs therapy or some kind of soul-searching. You have apologized, even over-apologized, and she continues to punish you for it. She needs to swallow her pride, build a bridge, and get over it. Seriously. That's what I had to do. I tend to take what my husband says out of proportion sometimes. I try to watch myself. I'll be going on and on and he'll respond, and just recently I have started to catch myself and apologize. She needs to take a breather, walk away from the situation, then look at it with semi-objective eyes. Otherwise, she may lose you, an attentive, caring man, just because of her own issues. What a shame that'd be.

[notalady]

Unfortunately women get taught from infancy how they look matters more than anything else. So you are probably never going to find a woman that doesn't have some sort of body issue unless she's lived in a cave since birth and never encountered another human being, like ever.

 

I can say hand to heart I have no body image issues and never did. I have a few female friends who are the same. Most of them were raised no different to the boys, for the lack of a better word.

 

Growing up my parents never dressed me girly, never had make up, tidy but short hair. They never said anything to me that implies or teaches me that girls should look nice or that looks is 'valuable' to a girl, in fact my dad used to get mad at relatives for complimenting my looks lol and requested that they refrain from doing so, because even compliments affect one's self-esteem and gives a child the idea that looks is valuable (and conversely if you don't look good then you 'lose' value). There was also no "girls should do this or look like this" or "boys should/shouldn't do this". I just went out and played in the mud with the neighbour kids.

 

Of course I dress up and wear make up and have long hair now, but that's my own choice as an adult. I'm grateful they never taught me to value looks.