When rejecting guys gets you the reputation of a b!!tch

[DoF]

What does "the ghetto" have to do with it? As many as 1 in 3 women experience sexual harassment in the workplace-- the workplace. It's not "from time to time."

 

I love her to death, but my girlfriend pretty much dresses like she's a librarian from the 70s. She gets hit on constantly if I'm not walking with her-- and even sometimes if I am. It's great you've got your wife as an anecdote, but the countless statistics speak for themselves.

 

But you're right. If women would only stay inside all day and stop contributing to all this harassment by walking on the sidewalk, they wouldn't have to complain about things like this.

 

Environment has EVERYTHING to do with it.

 

Your girl gets hit on, so does my wife.

 

That's NOT sexual harassment.

 

I'm not saying women should stay inside all the time, that's another extreme you decided to throw into the mix here.

 

NOTHING is good when taken to the extreme.

 

Clearly, OP is at the extreme end of the harassment. So the only option she has is to MOVE and REMOVE HERSELF from the environment she is in.

 

What else is there? Do you have something useful to add?

[DoF]

I went to high school in Calgary why? I experienced sexual harassment in any city I've ever lived in. It's not the place it's douche bags that can't leave people alone.

 

I just identified your issue.

 

Your welcome.

 

 

 

Signed, guys that lived 14 years in the city.....and simply refuses to EVER live near one again.

 

 

[Seraphim]

I just identified your issue.

 

Your welcome.

 

 

So I should not live in a city because douche bags live there ? Maybe the douche bag should move.

[ParisPaulette]

This is not a new thing. I have had this going on since I was 11 and shouldn't even have had to tell men to leave me alone. I'm older now so I don't usually get it and trust me, I love being older, I embrace it in fact, because I can now walk around and be invisible to most of the worst sorts of those types. I've been called every possible insult and slur you can think of and probably a few you can't. (Thankfully) But yes, some of them get scary crazy angry out of nowhere on you. Like psychotic, and with those you are best to simply understand they forgot to take their prozac that morning (or should be taking something) and at that point you call the waiter/bartender/any security and calmly tell them to call the cops or ask they send security over. You don't engage the jerk at all, just get other people to come over and get the guy to move on. Trying to engage them in any way makes them really flip out. I found that out the hard way and unless you're willing to pull a Chuck Norris move on the guy and hope he doesn't press charges for assault really you just treat them the same way you'd treat a purse snatcher or someone trying to rob you. You turn to whoever is in charge of the establishment or you walk away.

 

Also just to clarify, there is a huge difference between being hit on as in someone seeing if there's a potential date or to ask you out nicely AND being name called over a simple no thank you. The polite and human thing when you've been turned down is to simply say, "He is one lucky fellow" or even an "Okay, no worries" and move on. Name calling and getting angry and trying to ruin someone's day after they explained they were not interested is NOT acceptable behavior. Period, end of story. Any more so than if I were to be nasty to a guy just for saying hello or even yes asking me out if he has done so nicely. You can be a gentleman and ask a lady out and not be a pig about it.

 

And that's not what the OP is saying she has a problem with. She has a problem with telling a guy "No thank you" and getting name called and insulted. Ditto the being groped or just the grossest of pickup lines designed to engender hostility in the first place. Those guys don't even want a date, they want a fight, they want to see someone cry or cringe or get scared. They are not simply asking you out. And yes, it happens in small towns too. It's just there you can maybe go tell his mama what he said so she can taker her child aside and learn him some manners. (Well maybe anyways)

 

Sad, I hoped we as a species had evolved enough not to do the whole verbal harassment/how dare you not leap to be with me just because I'm a mentally ill retard. And yes, those who grope, grab, shove their way into a table or line with no regard to others or make horrible sexual lines at you are exactly that. I won't call them men either, because they aren't. Little boys throwing tantrums. It's this exact reason why Pink wrote the song "U and Ur Hand" after being hit on in clubs and then called names for turning someone down.

 

We did shame one guy that got really ugly in a restaurant one time after I and my friends politely told him we were taken when he wouldn't let up with which one of us was he going to get lucky with. He then proceeded to get very loud, very nasty, and the profanity and name calling took off like a leer jet flying people away from a volcano. My friend (bless her) turns to stare had at the guy, then turns to me and says in a very loud voice, "Oh, wait, that reminds me. When your two-year old starts to throw a tantrum you have to get them something to eat, because they're probably tired or hungry." She then picked up a plate of fries and thumped it down in front of the guy telling him, "Eat and go take a nap, sir. You are being very cranky." The whole restaurant started to cheer and laugh and he slunk out of there.

 

Anyways, I'm sorry that happens to you all. It is the one thing I never liked about being a woman. And sorry fellas, on this one you can chime in and say it happens to you too and it does, I know, to a much lesser degree sometimes. But you do not likely have to live with it every single day. It sucks, but unfortunately there are just people in the world who are rude and self-entitled and stupid. And sadly they are here to stay.

 

And greta, just to make you laugh, maybe you can hire Stenchel, Viper and Bob to follow you around and return the "compliments."

 

[video=youtube;0bORO0FjKd0] ]

[DoF]

So I should not live in a city because douche bags live there ? Maybe the douche bag should move.

 

It's YOUR choice to live wherever you want to.

 

Again, BE PREPARED to deal with the consequences of YOUR decision.

 

Currently, you are not prepared.

 

I'm sorry

 

Also, have you reported sexual harassment to authorities or took any action? If these dogs don't get caught/get 0 consequences, guess what will continue to happen to you and other women around you?

[greta96]

There are many ways to approach a woman, and the way men go about it makes all the difference. I wrote this rant about men who "approach" (if you can call it that) in nasty ways, by groping, touching, spreading insults left right and center. *Those* I have a problem with. Now I have been approached many times by awesome guys, who, after they found out I was unavailable, they were respectful, still made a bit of nice conversation and then were on their way. Had I been available, I would have liked to get to know them better.

It's all in the approach. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, all it takes is respect, a calm attitude, respecting one's personal space and understanding that no doesn't mean yes or maybe, it really means no.

[Fudgie]

Yes, hitting on does not = sexual harassment in my eyes. Nonconsent touching is though.

 

That being said, this is what I keep wondering: You're in a relationship. You're going out with your friends. Why do you care what some random man thinks about you after you ignore his advances? Do you enjoy being hit on? Do you want to decrease the frequency of it happening? Why or why not?

[Seraphim]

It's YOUR choice to live wherever you want to.

 

Again, BE PREPARED to deal with the consequences of YOUR decision.

 

Currently, you are not prepared.

 

I'm sorry

 

Also, have you reported sexual harassment to authorities or took any action? If these dogs don't get caught/get 0 consequences, guess what will continue to happen to you and other women around you?

 

DUDE, I have been to COURT when I was FOURTEEN years old when I was sexually assaulted .

 

Being sexually harassed is not the woman's effing fault, OK. It is not a matter of where she is ,what she wears ,what city she lives in or any other stupid ass demographic you want to come up with. It's about AHOLES. End of.

[TMifune]

There are many ways to approach a woman, and the way men go about it makes all the difference. I wrote this rant about men who "approach" (if you can call it that) in nasty ways, by groping, touching, spreading insults left right and center. *Those* I have a problem with. Now I have been approached many times by awesome guys, who, after they found out I was unavailable, they were respectful, still made a bit of nice conversation and then were on their way. Had I been available, I would have liked to get to know them better.

It's all in the approach. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, all it takes is respect, a calm attitude, respecting one's personal space and understanding that no doesn't mean yes or maybe, it really means no.

 

Absolutely agreed. The post you replied to was largely a result of someone claiming that there was an epidemic of male entitlement. I took that to be a little more general than perhaps the author meant.

 

I didn't mean to take anything away from your rant, I just felt the need to stand up for the guys who aren't aholes!

[kpak]

So victoria why do women only have the right to reject men but men cant have the right to express our feelings about it? Do our feelings not matter? I don't condone anyone demeening anyone especially if they gave a polite no to them but if said rejectee cant have feelings about it its his right. We do have freedom of speech after all, even in this polically correct environment we live in. Seriously, all it takes is for you women to be the bigger person and walk away and not let it ruin your evening. If someone makes me mad i dont let it ruin the rest if my day. Its called maturity.

[greta96]

Well probably because how you dress matters to us. It doesn't matter what your intentions are when you dress but it is a communication tool for us. I dont know what else to tell you. Men take cues from women on how available they are. How you dress is a huge important bit of information to us. Sorry that reality doesn't fit in your perfect little world. But there is another world out there you women refuse to see. Its the side of men, and you haven't fully neutered us yet.

 

Well, I am here to tell you that the way I dress is and should not ever be interpreted as a communication tool! I dress for myself, to make myself feel good. Maybe this little piece of info should be included in the "Women 101" manual, you know, when boys start learning about girls. The way they dress is NOT a signal that it's ok to touch them, it's not a green light to rape them, it doesn't mean anything other than they liked that particular outfit. Not everything we do has men as ultimate goal you know....

[Seraphim]

So victoria why do women only have the right to reject men but men cant have the right to express our feelings about it? Do our feelings not matter? I don't condone anyone demeening anyone especially if they gave a polite no to them but if said rejectee cant have feelings about it its his right. We do have freedom of speech after all, even in this polically correct environment we live in. Seriously, all it takes is for you women to be the bigger person and walk away and not let it ruin your evening. If someone makes me mad i dont let it ruin the rest if my day. Its called maturity.

Of course you have a right to have feelings I never said that. But why call someone a biatch? Why not grow the hell up. What's wrong with somebody saying no thanks?

[boltnrun]

It can get frightening, that's why.

 

I once had a conversation with a male coworker who didn't understand why a certain other male coworker made me feel uncomfortable. I asked him if he ever felt nervous when he had to walk to his car alone in a deserted parking lot. He looked puzzled and said "no". I then explained there is a certain fear that women live with all the time. We are generally not as physically strong as males and know that if a man chooses to harm us, there's little we can do to prevent it. That's why women sign up for self defense classes in droves. And my male coworker said "wow, I never even thought about that. That really sucks."

 

I was standing alone at night waiting for my mom to pick me up in front of CHURCH when I was 14 and I got hit on by a group of men who were leaving a church meeting! They tried to get me to go with them in a car. After a church meeting! I also had a man literally get on top of me at a party trying to convince me to let him have sex with me. I said "NO, I am not interested and I am also married!" And his response was "I don't mind!" I wasn't asking him if he minded, I was telling him because I didn't want to! I only got him off of me by telling him I had to go check on my friend who wasn't feeling well and by promising I'd come back. Once he let me up I ran like crazy.

 

These are frightening memories for me. I bet many, many women have similar stories.

 

Thank God this is a small minority of men. Most of the men I know wanted to knock those guys into next week when I told them those stories.

[kpak]

@j.man no one is lumping you in with anyone. You're the one lumping yourself in with the type of men im speaking about.

[Cheetarah]

No....The feelings of a person who verbally attacks me or gropes me don't matter.

 

At all.

[Seraphim]

And victim blaming doesn't work with me. I recognize victim blaming for what it is and believe me it doesn't impress me. I've been alive too long for people to BS me. And I've lived through a lot of shyte for people to be able to be able to BS me too.

[Hermes]

Just to say I don't think this is a man-bashing thread. And most certainly not all man, in fact the majority, are not the types the OP describes. There probably are certain venues which draw in undesirable types, but all that aside, verbal abuse and the possibility (I say the possibility) of being struck just because you refuse the advances is an offence.

 

Have men approached me. Of course they have! And I can say, hand on heart, I have never had an experience of the type the OP describe, and I would take very unkindly indeed to being insulted just because I wasn't interested in the man who approached me. Greta mentions the "being slapped in the face". I cannot believe that would be allowed in any venue, anywhere. If it happens, it IS ASSAULT!

[greta96]

Can we all just admit that there's a middle ground here?

 

No one deserves to be sexually harassed anywhere. Men who sexually harass are pigs. Not all men are pigs.

 

But yeah, it doesn't make much sense to go out with tons of cleavage and God knows what else (sexy clothes) to a bar/club/etc (places known for meeting new sex partners) and then get angry when guys hit on you and then don't take it well when you reject them because you have a partner.

 

It's like going outside with a wad of cash hanging out of your pocket and then crying when someone tries to swipe it.

 

common sense.

 

That's the thing, I don't go out with tons of cleavage (I don't even have tons of cleavage lmao!) or mini skirts that show my a$$ cheeks. Sometimes it happens when I sit in my car at a light, they can only see my head!

Same goes for my friends.

[Seraphim]

That's the thing, I don't go out with tons of cleavage (I don't even have tons of cleavage lmao!) or mini skirts that show my a$$ cheeks. Sometimes it happens when I sit in my car at a light, they can only see my head!

Same goes for my friends.

 

I was 11 fricking years old walking to my friends house and some construction workers were doing wolf whistles at me going "hey baby" . I was 11!!!! so yeah it's squat all to do with what you're wearing.

[ParisPaulette]

Whoa, fellas calm down. None of us are saying you guys on here act like that. What's all the defensiveness about? I don't get it. My guy friends and family will be the first to tell you it's a big problem.

 

We live in the "spillage of NYC" suburbs and again, wife, female friends never experienced anything you described. And I will be the first one to tell you that people around here are not exactly "great".....quite the opposite.

 

Really? Funny that's where one of my siblings lives and we got a ton of unwelcome attention whenever we went anywhere in New York. Actually I take that back, people were pretty nice in Brooklyn and I would see more than one old woman or some of the older men around there telling people to be respectful to the ladies and shut their traps when someone would be pestering a young girl or woman. They even came to my defense a time or two and it was kind of nice to have some burly guy walk up to a young punk and tell him, "Yo, you treat the lady right, would you want someone talking to your momma that way?" Sorry it happens everywhere regardless. Women can't and shouldn't have to stay indoors all day wrapped in blankets so as not to tempt anyone into behaving badly. (Rolls eyes)

 

And it's a little hard to report sexual harassment when the guy does it then runs out of the restaurant or squeals away in a vehicle like usually happened to me. I did report it where possible, but after awhile jeez you have to live your life instead of running to the cops to file complaints on guys whose names and identities you don't know, who ran away or were just in a car somewhere and did something to you, even when it was a clear case of harassment like this incident: I can just see it now, walking down the street and a guy screams out, "Hey baby, come * * * my *" then guns his motor and throws a cup of water on me as he squeals away. (Happened) I sit there soaking wet and seething, then go into a police station and say, "I'd like to file a complaint against some unknown a-hole who just doused me with water. He was in a red jeep, but I couldn't see the license plate, because I was too busy wiping water out of my eyes and calming down after freaking out that it might have been acid or urine." Yeah, sure, Uh-huh. P.S. The cops were sympathetic, but told me there was nothing they could do.

 

And it shouldn't even a "consequence" for anyone to have to deal with just because gasph, shocker, you choose to live somewhere in a city, a town, a village or even a cave.

 

We shouldn't even be having to have this whole debate, okay. Let's all just agree this is a problem that society doesn't want to face in much the same way we still tell our children that they need to just ignore that bully and it'll all go away until the poor kids kill themselves to escape their tormentors.

[greta96]

Yes, hitting on does not = sexual harassment in my eyes. Nonconsent touching is though.

 

That being said, this is what I keep wondering: You're in a relationship. You're going out with your friends. Why do you care what some random man thinks about you after you ignore his advances? Do you enjoy being hit on? Do you want to decrease the frequency of it happening? Why or why not?

 

Definitely want to decrease it. I really want to enjoy my night with my friends, and that's what the whole group of girls wants. I do not enjoy it one bit.

[BigKK]

Wow...what a loaded topic.

 

 

I've dealt with girls who I thought we're b**ches, I was standing next to them trying to grab a drink, and smiled and said hi. I got back "NOT INTERESTED" and turns away

 

Cool...I acknowledged a human being but she immediately assumes I want to get her in her pants.

 

That's a b**ch in my book. Sure, she's probably gotten a ton of lines, etc etc, but still she was rude.

 

 

I've gone out with my girlfriend and have had her get propositioned and hit on, she can deal with it herself, and does. The guy takes off, and everything is fine. If someone grabs her hand, or tries to impose themselves on her, she'll try to pull away but that's when I immediately step in with fire in my eyes.

 

 

So I don't know why everyone is getting so defensive.

 

Women don't have to stay locked up...there are jerks out there that cross a line and should be put in their place. Often times there is something that is a woman's intuition and a guy will immediately make them feel uneasy.

 

Not all guys are jerks and doing it.

 

As for the ludicrous "why don't you call the cops"

 

Often times these are 3-10 second interactions...you expect the OP to track the guy...call the cops, wait for them to get here, and then point him out. Get real. You avoid the confrontation and move on or get the bouncers involved if it's really bad.

[kpak]

This entire thread is indicitive of why so many men are checking out of the dating scene. Women refuse to understand what most men want. They keep projecting what they think they want their man to be, and demonize the ones who wont fall in line. Then you have the white knights who keep telling these "ladies" (most act like 16 year old girls who haven't grown up yet, see discussion in clothing) that there is nothing wrong with you. I've seen some other threads on here that start to reveal the truth and maybe actually get you women to understand us men, but those get quickly locked because some girls cant handle the truth. Anyways ladies, there is major gap between men and women. And its nit going to be us men trying to close that gap anymore. We are done, we washed our hands if this mess.

[Fudgie]

Definitely want to decrease it. I really want to enjoy my night with my friends, and that's what the whole group of girls wants. I do not enjoy it one bit.

 

Understood.

 

That being said, I would explore other areas. Clubs and bars are usually meat markets. Okay, not all of them, but many of them. Are there other venues or things you guys could do together? I don't know where you live or what's available but I encourage you to look around. Seems like group pottery is popular, where you pay a fee and then you can bring your own wine and paint together.

[TMifune]

We shouldn't even be having to have this whole debate, okay. Let's all just agree this is a problem that society doesn't want to face in much the same way we still tell our children that they need to just ignore that bully and it'll all go away until the poor kids kill themselves to escape their tormentors.

 

Screw that....if I have kids I'm telling them to knock that bully on his/her ass!