redswim30 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Well, you can't compare. Because your guy was a stranger and his a co-worker. Not even close to the same thing. He flat out told you it's about ego stroking. Why does he feel he needs this? You need to talk about this. The other girl and how she looks, this is your own insecurity speaking. Why are you feeling so insecure in this relationship? You guys need to sit down and chat. It sounds like you have both grown complacent in this relationship. His reaction is to seek validation elsewhere. Your reaction is to try holding onto him like property. I think you know that neither one is healthy. You both are feeling like this other person "owes you" stuff. This is poisonous mentality to get into. I highly recommend you seek couples counseling. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I am going through something similar, but man, I know how to grab men by the kahunas. Turn that frown into being proactive, even if you had to just fake it to go get yourself motivated to do something about it. That depression - it's from exhaustion as well, the hormones, you just had a baby, and your boyfriend is acting like a selfish idiot. As much we would love our guys to be perfect, and always know what to do, you need to lay down the law sometimes, be very clear with your boundaries, and stick up for yourself. If he dares mock your ability to do housework, while taking care of an infant, you tell him if it's that bad, he can do it himself. You are not a maid! And don't ever for once let him bring you down. I bet you are doing an awesome job as a mom. And that's what your focus should be on. Sorry your 200 lb tumor is weighing you down. Granted, the fact that he says that "he doesn't want to live with you," and belittles you, and he regularly does this, you will need reinforcements! You need to talk to you family about what's happening, you don't have to go into detail, but he's purposely making you feel like crap. Get allies, friends, cousins, siblings, just in case you need to move, or babysitting to get a part-time job. And with the whole lying thing, and you just bending over and taking it, he's trying to see how far and how much he can get away with. YOU ARE AWESOME, WHOLE, and WONDERFUL. Don't ever let anyone on this planet make you feel otherwise. Go, Go, Go to his office, and introduce yourself to everyone. Let him know he's taken, and what a wonderful loving baby mama you are. I mean it's one thing if he's doing stupid things. But he's actually being emotionally abusive with you. I mean, the apartment was flooded, because you're exhausted, and it never dawned on him to ask how exhausted you were as well. He's selfish. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Thanks Dancing...I appreciate your advice. I think that's where some of my depression stems (like when my depression all started) was simply not going to work anymore. I love being with my son, but being a stay-at-home mom was never really my cup of tea...I like being out there and working and socializing with co-workers. I like that whole other life and miss it. I was planning to stay at home for a bit until my son is a bit older but now I'm starting to think maybe I should go back to work. My mind is just running all over the place and ...I think I'm starting to get cabin fever (being home too much)...hence the arguements... It's really too bad too...makes me feel like a failure. I do feel better in a way because my friend who also has a baby (is one month old) also feels the same way. She's going to hire a baby sitter and bring her son to a daycare at 3 months of age so she can work part time again at least. This makes me feel like I'm not alone and that going to work might be a good idea. That would definitely help with my depression and my hopelessness ....my bf probably sees me as someone who's stuck at home and can't do anything. Link to comment
relevart Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 The stuff below is actually much bigger than talking to this girl at work. You can't keep taking this. It's not healthy for you. Being a stay at home mother is a wonderful thing that he needs to respect. You need to tell him he cannot under any circumstance talk to you like this again. And, really, I think you need to start thinking about life after you've moved out. This guy in the post below sounds like a piece of crap and you do not under any circumstance deserve that. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I call guys that don't have proper friends boundaries ,marginal cheating behaviour, I call them Capt Save A Hoe. My husband had the same issues when he was young. He had to learn to establish proper boundaries with people. Now we don't have any repeat performances of that. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 My ex husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom. So I was. Then he took every opportunity to put me down for it! "You don't work, you have no say since you don't contribute, you're so spoiled!" So I decided on my own to go back to work. I took an evening job at a health club. Then he complained I hardly made any money to make a difference. So I went back to work full time and he complained I was "tired and stressed" all the time, and he encouraged me to quit! I couldn't win with this guy. Notice I said he's my "ex" husband... Your BF/partner is looking for a way out. He has two...your housekeeping and this other girl. He won't end it because then he'd be "that guy" who dumped his GF and small baby. So he'll be enough of a jerk to force you to end it and then he'll be free to pursue this other girl and he won't have any day to day responsibilities. I'm afraid if this continues you'll have no choice but to return to your family and build a life without him. If he's already checked out there's not anything you can do to "save" the relationship. BTW, a man who loves you will not treat you the way he does. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 lol tattoobunnie, yeah I feel like switching it around. How about he stays at home 24/7 for the next 3 1/2 months while I go to work and socialize with cute guys and add them to my facebook and then come home and yell at him about everything under the sun and how he's not being a good enough manwife and doing the manswork properly ugh!...then maybe he'd have an idea of what's going on in my life! Heck yesterday I was cleaning like a maniac...the place is spotless and he will still find something. He got mad because our cat went for a poop and I wasn't on it asap. It's like he hates me....either that or he's become way to used to treating me like a houseslave. I miss my old life. I miss standing on my own two feet. Another thing he does...is he thinks he's in control of everything since now he's the breadwinner...so whatever he says goes since he's paying for everything. So I have to add up to ridiculous expectations...it's like so caveman like...me being the stay at home woman that he can just yell at and do whatever he wants around the clock. He goes out with his friends while I never get to since I'm taking care of our son. I can't really talk to his mom about this because she's really proud of him. She would probably take his side in a snap (she is the type of mom to really let her kids do anything they like) so if I told her bad things about him she'd probably just get mad at me saying "well what makes you think he's going to stay with you"? or something...she's definitely not someone who I can be open with. I know this is going to sound really really bad, but I actually do let him get away with lots of things because he told me he has aspergers. I don't really know much about it...but because of it I let him get away with all kinds of things. I often just give him the benefit of doubt and let him make mistakes. I am kind of tolerant of A LOT of the belittling things he says. Thing is though, I knew people with aspergers before and they were all kind people...so I am really just making up excuses for his behaviour. Thanks for saying those wonderful things, it really cheered me up and let me realize I don't have to keep giving in to all this. After the apt flooded he didn't let me nap, he made me do his laundry that was all wet....I was so tired I put the wrong things in the washer on the wrong settings and his blanket exploded in there. He wasn't happy about that. It's like a losing battle sometimes Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 What kind of work place is it?? A place where you have to work that many hours?? I've worked in offices with 40 to 50 people who were all the ages between 24 and 40. Everyone fooled around- married, kids, you name it. Some just made out at work parties and "away" functions while some broke up their marriages. We also worked 12 hours a day. I am quite sure some of the people felt closer to their office spouse than their actual spouse since it was a stressful, but very well paying job. As for the girl, she is either the type that would never do it, or she is all over it. And as cute as the cookie idea was, it wont stop her if she is the wrong "type." Personally, from what you have described, I don't think they have done anything. But, add some alcohol to a celebratory work function and everything will change. If you really think something is going on, hire a private investigator. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Time to find out what Aspergers is. My son has Aspergers and your son could too if his dad does have it. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Sorry Forest, I posted my last after only reading the first page of posts. I agree with the posters who say this is a much larger issue that someone at work. He seems really unhappy and it is unfair to take it out on you just because you are vulnerable (staying at home and depending on him). Im not a medical professional, but I thought people with Aspergers tend to be less social-more turned it, so its weird that he enjoys extra attention (Feel free to correct me). Anyway, this is spiraling out of control. You guys need to sit down and talk to someone. Or, he needs to control his anger. Maybe work a little less? I'd be nuts if I put in that many hours. Also, what kind of company does he work for?? Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 boltrun I agree. He's played the "your spoiled card" so many times I've lost track (probably 4 times per week). It's like he doesn't get that I'm taking care of our son which he wouldn't be able to do without me here. How does this make me spoiled? I never ask for anything, except maybe the odd nap and a hug or two. When it comes to money I haven't spent a dime on myself since being here, just stuff for my son and basic groceries. I just never believed he was the type of person to ever do this. It's really shocking. I really did trust him...and now it's like my life is just spiraling out of control and I can't get a grasp on it. It's making me feel really depressed and hopeless. Even if I didn't have a son, I'd feel this way...like things are just out of my control in all aspects with how it's going. You're right, if he's not going to make an effort to make this work...how can it? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Even if you don't stay with your boyfriend it is probably best to start learning about autism now. If his dad has autism ,autism has a strong genetic component. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I'm not against people with aspergers (I could have it for all I know is what I mean), but my ignorance towards it has left me being very forgiving to how he is. He doesn't act like he's disabled though (not even a little bit). I've always been a vunerable type person...my friend always says I look like a wounded gazelle (lol?)...and I never understood what she meant until now. I let people walk all over me....my friends know it...my boyfriend knows it. I let it happen and so it does happen and gets worse and worse until it hurts. Then I'm on this forum trying to piece together it all I think what it boils down too is my vunerable behaviour is letting him act out at me...letting him talk to other girls without batting an eyelash to how it effects me. My self esteem has been flushed down the toilet and he knows it...I think he must think I am made out of steel or something. Like he can say what he wants, do what he wants, and I will still be here doing his laundry and cleaning like how a woman should (in his views). I just want to like...spread my wings and fly at this point. I also want my son to grow up without listening to all this stuff against women. If my son sees his mommy struggle so much...and be weak...how will he one day treat women? That always bothers me Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 sadchick83 thing is...she hasn't backed down. She didn't respectfully walk away when she heard the words "married and kids" we're not married but ...we might as well be. She knows all about us (our son, our living together, how long we've been together). She seems to be even more into this now...(adding him on fb, continuing to talk to him) and him as well (him lying to me about it ...continuing to talk to her to feel that oh so nice fluttery feeling he describes). He's not backing down and neither is she. He very well knows the gameplan if we were to break up. I'd take our son and move out....he'd still be going to his work, with her there. He'd be marriage and baby free and single again, he's keeping the doors open. He never closed them, he's keeping her for a reason and it makes me sick. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I'm not saying you're against anybody. I'm saying it would behoove you to learn about it since your child could have it. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Makes me think he's the one with the trust issues if he needs a fall back girl. He has lots of friends at work, there's no reason for him to even being going this far with this girl. He has friends who are married, friends who have kids, girls and guys. He just loves the fact that she's so into him, and he won't throw that away. Not for me, not for his son...he'll keep her for his own needs as innocent as they are now. He goes to work everyday and they talk, and work together when they never did before. He knows what he's doing. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 If my son sees his mommy struggle so much...and be weak...how will he one day treat women? That always bothers me And it should. It should bother you, and grate at you until some productive actions happen. What that means for your situation, I don't know. I don't know if that means splitting, putting your foot down, moving out temporarily or permanently, etc etc. That bothered me, too. A lot. And it was one of my biggest, if not the biggest - Reasons/motivations for handling my situation the way I did and do. If my son ever acted the way his natural father does, I would lose my head. And I know if he were exposed to the woman that I was with the man that he is, that's probably precisely what would happen. Watch mom get trampled on. Watch mom turn into a little pipsqueak mouse afraid to rock the boat. Watch mom be angry and seethe in quiet, brooding resentment. While she should ideally be respectful of your situation, he is the one that made the commitment to you and your son. Not her. He can draw lines in the sand at any time. He chooses not to. If you have to go to work and pee on your territory with brownies, that may change her actions/behaviors(or not), but it doesn't address or resolve anything from his end. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 ....You aren't just being tolerant. You are actively encouraging him to abuse you. Remember that we teach people how to treat us. You are teaching him that acting this way is OK and you go do his laundry as a reward to being a raging a hole to you. By constantly turning the other cheek, you've lost his respect and are acting like a doormat. Stop making excuses for his behavior and stand up for yourself. Healthy relationships have boundaries. Yours, at the moment, doesn't and that's only because you allow him to walk all over you. This in turn makes you dull and uninteresting. I mean who really likes a doormat? It's no wonder he is getting infatuated with someone else. You've lost your identity and stopped being the girl he first met. Bring her back. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 So I guess the advice is to go pee on my territory at his work (maybe bring my son with me so he can help!), and maybe start working again myself while hiring a trusted family member or person to care for our son a few days a week? That way I can regain my confidence and show him I'm not a doormat. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 That sounds like a great plan. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I didn't leave because of our son, otherwise I'd be long gone by now. I don't want to deprive him of his dad ...I keep thinking maybe we are just hitting a few rough bumps that will smooth out...but then when it gets worse like this I really don't know what to do. I will try the advice given by everybody thanks Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 And if it just gets worse and worse I will probably leave, because I don't want my son to see me weak, and his father always angry. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Even if she's the wrong type...the cookie thing will incite others to support you, and will shame her by others in the process. Gather allies and support. You may not be able to talk to his mom, but about your mom, dad, silblings, friends, cousins? Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 What should I do from a sexual point of view...currently...I basically um get him off almost every single night, and he doesn't bother with me. I had a huge problem with this at first but now I'm so used to it I barely even care. I just try and make him happy since he's always so miserable. Should I just not do that anymore? He's always said he's too afraid to try with me since I take longer to...(which I can't really help!). Should I just like not give him anything? I have a feeling that's making me even into a doormat even more. Link to comment
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