relevart Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Makes me think he's the one with the trust issues if he needs a fall back girl. He has lots of friends at work, there's no reason for him to even being going this far with this girl. He has friends who are married, friends who have kids, girls and guys. He just loves the fact that she's so into him, and he won't throw that away. Not for me, not for his son...he'll keep her for his own needs as innocent as they are now. He goes to work everyday and they talk, and work together when they never did before. He knows what he's doing. Out of all the advice given you in this thread, this is the best reason yet I have seen as to why you should break it off with him. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Yes and maybe the next time he opens his mouth to yell at you or belittle you, actually stand up for yourself instead of rushing off to wash his dirty underwear. I honestly just can't imagine ever allowing a man to go off on me like that and actually get away with it. There are times when you need to get in touch with your inner b..tch and really let her loose. You also need to consider what kind of an example you are setting for your child, when you allow this to carry on and tolerate that kind of treatment. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 sorry for the awkward question...I just know how much of a big deal sex can be, so I want to make sure I do that correctly...because right now it's all him, and not me. His excuse is he's too tired from work, but he's never too tired if it's me doing it to him... Which is every night pretty much. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I never actually considered that I was in an abusive relationship. This is a real eye opener. It's kind of depressing in a way because I always thought things were fine...or I made myself believe that. I always said "oh these are just rough patches...they happen in all relationships" and I guess I got so used to this behaviour I started to think it was normal. But lots of people on here are saying he's being abusive and it's really hit home with the reality of everyday life with him. It IS abusive...if I saw another woman going through this I'd say he's being abusive....not physically, but emotionally/mentally. You don't need to be hit in the face to live in an abusive situation. That's why my confidence is at an all time low, and that's why I'm giving into his demands and considering anti-depressants. But how far will the meds work? Will it just mask what it really is? ...that scares me. Everybody's right I need to put my foot down and set a good example for our son. I need to stand on my own two feet, and if he won't stop with this nonsense I need to leave. I often say to him "I can't even remember the last time I ever saw you happy" and it breaks my heart. That's why I give in...to try and make him feel better, but it's drained me to the point of becoming this wounded person who works my butt off in a thankless job. Why did this have to become my reality? I really need to do some soul searching and really not let this happen anymore, not just for me, but especially for our baby. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Meds will clear away some muck but they won't address your mindset or mask your problems. I absolutely agree that there are times you need to get in touch and let loose the inner B. Though I can appreciate that you basically have conditioned yourself/been conditioned NOT to so that's really foreign and uncomfortable territory for you - And something you're probably going to have to do in baby steps. Hugs. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 It's not your job to "make him happy". If it was, why isn't his job to make YOU happy? BTW, he doesn't WANT to be happy with you. If he were "happy" he wouldn't have any excuse to treat you like garbage or to pursue another woman (and he IS pursuing her, have no doubt about it). You could be Rachael Ray, Martha Stewart, Serena Williams, a porn star and a Mensa Society member all rolled into one and he'd still find reasons to criticize you. Because he wants out. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 And it should. It should bother you, and grate at you until some productive actions happen. That bothered me, too. A lot. And it was one of my biggest, if not the biggest - Reasons/motivations for handling my situation the way I did and do. If my son ever acted the way his natural father does, I would lose my head. And I know if he were exposed to the woman that I was with the man that he is, that's probably precisely what would happen. Watch mom get trampled on. Watch mom turn into a little pipsqueak mouse afraid to rock the boat. Watch mom be angry and seethe in quiet, brooding resentment. . Exactly why I left as well. . basically raising 2 sons by my self. .stay at home mom as well, constantly told how good I had it and how indebted to him I was. I was always in a one-down position. As the boys got older, I started looking for jobs while they were in school and ultimately I did to to school. The ex threw roadblocks all along the way because me being one-down worked for him. As his bad controlling behavior escalated, I finally decided that I need to set an example for my sons and how to NOT treat women. It hurts to read your posts. . I think the girl at work is only a symptom of a bigger problem. Brownies aren't going to help. The best thing I ever did was dragging my behind into therapy. Because like you I was depressed, depressed for damn good reasons. He'll initially support you in therapy because that will validate his position because after all you are the crazy one right? And then slowly you climb out of the fog, regain your voice and your back bone and then everything begins to change. My heart goes out to you . . (((hugs)) Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Yes and maybe the next time he opens his mouth to yell at you or belittle you, actually stand up for yourself instead of rushing off to wash his dirty underwear. I honestly just can't imagine ever allowing a man to go off on me like that and actually get away with it. There are times when you need to get in touch with your inner b..tch and really let her loose. You also need to consider what kind of an example you are setting for your child, when you allow this to carry on and tolerate that kind of treatment. There's been times where I said "no". I didn't let loose and yell at him but I did walk into another room and said "no not right now, I need to rest for an hour". But he follows me everywhere. He will literally just sit there at the foot of my bed and say "what is wrong with you? That's women's work. I don't want to come home to this. You are supposed to do all the laundry and make me dinner, and take out all the garbage". Then I say in a very cracked voice (from being tired) that I've been doing that all day long and he just never sees it because he's at work. He will do this for hours. He will follow me everywhere and just say the worse things I ever heard in my life. Then I usually just give in eventually just to make him stop yelling. I let him know I'm not doing it as a favour to him, I tell him I'm doing it so he will let me rest. He's obsessed with the whole women's role thing...like beyond anything normal. He's actually made me depressed to be a woman. I used to always like myself, and felt so womanly for being pregnant and I felt great, but now I am so lost I keep thinking "wow being a woman sucks..." but it's all because of how he constantly belittles that gender role. He even went as far as to try and make me believe that his interactions with this girl at work was a compliment to me. He said "well I talk to her, but it's a compliment to you since I'm not pounding her"...and in my tired exhausted state I believed him. I believed what he said just to get a moments rest...mentally..and physically, but then when I wake up the next morning I think to myself "what the heck did he just say? ....A compliment??? Am I really that easy, that THAT is a compliment?" he must be kidding. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 It's not your job to "make him happy". If it was, why isn't his job to make YOU happy? BTW, he doesn't WANT to be happy with you. If he were "happy" he wouldn't have any excuse to treat you like garbage or to pursue another woman (and he IS pursuing her, have no doubt about it). You could be Rachael Ray, Martha Stewart, Serena Williams, a porn star and a Mensa Society member all rolled into one and he'd still find reasons to criticize you. Because he wants out. Yes I know for a fact he's staying with me so then he doesn't have to be embarressed for leaving me and his son in front of his family. His brothers are all married with kids, and his mom and dad are all so happy for him for having a son with me. If he left, he'd be the outcast of his entire (very large) family. He's the type to hide stuff from his family (he tried to hide our son from them as long as possible). He doesn't like to be the center of attention when it comes to his family. He kind of just likes to slip on by unnoticed. So if this did infact end up as a break-up he'd probably hate the attention. He stays because of that alone...at least that's what it looks like. As for actually liking the situation with me and his son....no he doesn't. So now he has his little girlfriend at work who makes him feel ontop of the world, while all the problems at home are put on pause. He never had to pursue her, he chose to...sometimes I wonder if his co-workers ever told him to go talk to her...maybe he made it up. Maybe he just wanted to look like the nice guy...but he has been lying about a lot of things lately, so I wouldn't be surprised if he chose to talk to her, because he definitely is choosing to now. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Stop servicing him. And stop believing his bs. Link to comment
Salty Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 You are now spinning this out of control. He likes attention from her. That doesn't mean he is doing anything more with her. And if he is picking on you at home, it doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with her. The bath tub thing ---- is not a "small issue". He doesn't have a "fantasy life" at work. What he has is a woman who thinks he's great and causes no issues --- because he isn't living with her. I think you need to see your dr. about meds, and you need to sit down with your husband and talk about this. It is a classic move done by cheaters or people planning on cheating the nit pick over little things to ease their guilt. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Yeah he likes to make me out to be the crazy one. I need the meds, I need to be a better woman, I need to do all this stuff that's never good enough in his eyes. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Last year he didn't get me anything on my birthday...I let it go. Then when his birthday came up I got him a card and painted him something and he didn't say thank you...all he need was say something along the lines of "wow you need to be on meds. Birthday presents are so material. Don't waste your time. As for your birthday, what makes you think you deserved anything? I show my love by going to work everyday to pay for the roof over your head so don't waste that hard earned money" .....So my attempt to make him feel loved made him tell me to go on medication. Since that day I didn't get him any presents ever again. He probably just hates me. Link to comment
Salty Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Personally I wouldn't let him have his cake too, I'd ask him straight up do you want to be with me or this woman? that or just go stay with family for a while let him live in his fantasy world for a bit until he realizes the grass isn't always greener. hopefully by then it would be too late for him. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Well...you've tried to avoid the conflict but it's not working and he just follows you around and brings it to you anyway. So do something different. I think at some point you will have to put your foot down and either truly stand up for yourself and hash out some boundaries or leave him. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Well...you've tried to avoid the conflict but it's not working and he just follows you around and brings it to you anyway. So do something different. I think at some point you will have to put your foot down and either truly stand up for yourself and hash out some boundaries or leave him. The other day I did install a lock on my door (I never would have done this if I wasn't so sleep deprived to the point of flooding the apt). I did it mainly so he took a hint to let me sleep and also to keep him from destroying my room (which he has done twice now because he was looking for something)...don't know why he trashes my whole room just to look for something when it's not even in my room to begin with. We now currently sleep in separate rooms as well mainly because he took the larger room as his "domain" pretty much. I'm not allowed in there, not allowed to use his computer ever, not allowed to even turn on a light in there or he flips out about wasting his lightbulbs. So I gave up and kind of just go into the smaller room. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 He ultimately just has a HUGE problem with me...so there is no way to please him, because he already hates me to begin with. All my efforts make me look like a doormat...making it worse...I don't even think I have the energy or confidence to make it work with him long term. I can try a few things...but for how long until that too breaks in half. Whether I can live a peaceful existence with him knowing that he's having a good ol time with that girl is another thing. I guess I'll try a bit longer. See how things go. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Wow. You started this thread saying you had worked out all your issues and everything was great (except for this one issue with the girl), but the more you describe your relationship the more horrified I am. He's never home. He yells at you constantly. He puts you down and tears you down constantly. You're not allowed in his room?? He's doing you a favor by not having sex with this girl at work? This sounds terrible (and abusive). She is the least of your worries. I don't think he is truly interested in any of your family life (one of the reasons why he was spending so much time at work) - all he does is tear you down, and he's just using the girl's interest to make you feel even worse about yourself. I almost never ever tell people on here to leave their relationships, but that's what I want to tell you to do. One last thing: I am not saying this to make you feel worse, but it seems clear to me you're not "as good as married". This guy does not sound in any way, shape or form committed to you. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Pack your bags, get your kid, go to your parents/friend's house when he is out at work and sue him for child support. End of story. There is really nothing to salvage here. You don't have a relationship. ....this is so surreal that I'm starting to think you are making this up....... Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 It's a reality for many people. Be glad it's outside of your comprehension. Link to comment
ForestofDreams Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Wow. You started this thread saying you had worked out all your issues and everything was great (except for this one issue with the girl), but the more you describe your relationship the more horrified I am. He's never home. He yells at you constantly. He puts you down and tears you down constantly. You're not allowed in his room?? He's doing you a favor by not having sex with this girl at work? One last thing: I am not saying this to make you feel worse, but it seems clear to me you're not "as good as married". This guy does not sound in any way, shape or form committed to you. I noticed that too...about how I wrote things are fine. I think I've become good at pretending things are okay. Like on my facebook its all happy pictures of my son and I (my bf's not in hardly any of the pictures and tells me never to post pictures of us together). I find myself in tears at this computer desk, realizing how they arn't fine. I could keep going...with all the things, but it would probably turn into a book...the more I write, and the more I see people's responses to this, the more I realize how bad it really is. I kept trying to make things seem fine, so then people wouldn't worry I guess. My mom has a bad heart so I am always telling her the good stuff,....never the bad. I don't want her to know what really happens. I want her to believe that I'm okay and that we're all happy. I feel really isolated with these problems...like alone and isolated more then I ever thought. It's very hard for me to talk about these things with people I know. I always want to make a good impression...telling them what really goes on makes me feel sick to my stomach. Then there's parts of me that is like "well he's not hitting you...that would be the last straw"...but it doesn't have to be that for things to be terrible Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 It is time to leave and focus on your son. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Was this an unplanned pregnancy? It sounds to me like he really doesn't want to have a partner/baby and be tied down, and may resent the fact that you had this baby and he now feels trapped to support you and the baby. I have seen some men behave REALLY badly when their GF gets pregnant and they didn't want to get serious with her and have a family with her at that time in their lives. So they resent it so much, they just behave like jerks until the woman does the deed and moves out or leaves him, or the woman gives in and just lets him do anything he wants including cheating. And if you continue to hang around and don't leave, eventually he'll find another woman who has a situation he sees as preferential to living with you, and that is when he'll leave. I think you need to focus on YOU and your child, and start making your plans for how you will support yourself. This guy is treating you miserably and this is no way to live. you are doing your child a FAVOR by moving out becuase you don't want that child to have a role model of treating women so badly and so disrespectfully. So staying together for the sake of the child will only raise the child in a hostile environment and teach him to be abusive towards women. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 . .the more you talk, the more you share and the picture gets bleaker by the moment. this is no way to live. . Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 And his dad always screaming is very detrimental to your baby even now. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I hope you know none of us are trying to upset you. Just that all these things you are mentioning don't add up to things being "fine". I understand not wanting people to worry. I moved really far from my family to be with a guy, and when we've had big fight I haven't said a word, because I haven't wanted them to worry (or to just tell me to come home). But I KNOW that it would kill my mother if I were unhappy and in a very bad situation and didn't tell her because I didn't want her to worry. I think aside from concern for her, what you are really concerned about is how you appear and your image to others. No one wants to admit defeat, or have to separate from the father of their child - but you're not admitting defeat, you would be doing what's best for you and him. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.