My boyfriend recently started talking to a girl at his work who likes him a lot.

[DancingFool]

Your mom, your friends, all the people in your life want you to have a genuinely happy and good life, not a happy facade hiding abuse and complete nightmares. Your mother would be devastated to know that you would rather be abused than leave the abuser all because you are somehow trying to protect her from reality and are lying to her about your happiness. That is what would break her heart. Speaking out and asking for help won't.

 

Wanting to make a good impression so badly is also known as pride. Put your pride away and ask for help. Tell people the truth. Pack your bags and get out. You owe this to yourself, your child and all the people who care about you. Anyway, you are probably not really fooling them as much as you think. No matter how much you pretend, they can sense your depression and I doubt they would be surprised much to hear the truth. Some very likely suspect it anyway. People are not as oblivious about you as you think.

[Cheetarah]

You don't have to keep up facades here. You have no appearance to uphold.

 

Things aren't fine. And if writing helps you, to give you assurance and a clearer perspective, you keep doing it. Write it until it turns into a novel.

[Seraphim]

I can tell you that my mother stayed with my abusive father. I am paying the price for that. I will probably pay the price for that for the rest of my life. I don't want to guilt you but I am telling you watching your parent mother or father be abused is horrific for a child. Get out before it impacts him more than it has.

[ForestofDreams]

I think that's the hardest part of all. This point in my life where I'm supposed to be happy...I finally have a family, a nice place, my mom has a grandchild now. She's SO happy for me...it kills me to tell her "I'm in an abusive relationship and need to move out with my son". That would just shatter her...she'd cry so much. I haven't told her anything. I keep pretending that yeah maybe I am "crazy" because for some reason that's easier to live with then saying I am not...and really...things are bad. I'm not imagining it....it won't just magically get "better"...things are bad. Things are worse. Packing up and leaving will be one of the hardest things I ever do....if it was just me fine...but packing up my son along with me, just seems so much harder. It's like I'm waiting for the best time to leave...but there is never a best time. I should have left ages ago.

[reinventmyself]

You are protecting your mom and your bf at your expense.

Besides, it's only a matter of time because you can't continue to do this forever.

 

Trust me when I tell you you are not at your very best under these circumstance and your child deserves a happy mom.

Being raised by one depressed parent and another who is abusive could be detrimental to your son .

Your mother would want the very best for her daughter so you aren't doing any one favors here. (you're a parent now. .you should know this)

It's likely an excuse you may be using to not make a move and stay stuck.

Yes, It will be the hardest thing you do because right at this moment your confidence is at an all time low. . It's hard to pick yourself up from this point and move forward. . But you can.

If you can't do it for yourself. .do it for your son.

 

It was one of the hardest things to do was to tell my parents. . I recall one day just bursting into tears and saying `I think I am in trouble' . .the rest was blur.

My parents were so hurt that they didn't see the signs sooner . . .they stood behind me and helped me every step of the way.

It took me along time to admit to myself. .telling them took longer.

You're here. .and that's a start.

One foot in front of the other.

[sophie274]

It will shatter her to hear you are in an abusive relationship because she loves you and your son and only wants the very best for you. But she won't be disappointed, and I'm sure she will be so thrilled to hear that you are getting out of that situation. You can still have a nice place, she'll still have her grandson, and best of all, you can be ACTUALLY happy in the future and not just pretending.

 

I'm sure packing up to leave will be one of the most difficult things you've had to do. That's why you need people to help you, both logistically and emotionally. People to reassure you that you are doing the right thing, to give you the strength to do it, and who can help you with the nitty gritty so you don't have to worry so much about boxes and changing addresses on bills on top of everything else.

[boltnrun]

Your mother will support you.

 

Do you really think she'll say "how dare you intrude on my vision of you and your happy life! How dare you tell me you're unhappy and make me feel bad! Go back and continue to be abused and shut up about it so I can continue to believe you're happy!" I mean, REALLY????

 

And your poor, poor son...it's only a matter of time until your BF starts in on him, because, after all, he never wanted him to begin with, and because of him he's stuck with you!

 

Please, this cannot be "fixed". Because your BF doesn't want to fix it. He wants you to leave. So go ahead and give him what he wants, because really, it's what's best for you, and especially because it's what's best for your son.

 

Things are NOT "fine".

[reinventmyself]

""Please, this cannot be "fixed". Because your BF doesn't want to fix it. He wants you to leave. So go ahead and give him what he wants, because really, it's what's best for you, and especially because it's what's best for your son.""

 

Now there's an `ah hah' moment. It might appear that he's trying to force you to be the one that leaves.

 

Typically abusive move. . An abuser can never accept fault so they need to create a dynamic where you take the fall and they remain blameless.

[DancingFool]

You are a mother yourself. Think about it. If your son told you how everything is so great in his life, you would be happy for him. If he told you how things have crashed, no doubt you would be upset on his behalf and yes, maybe even have a good cry because you care about him, but then you'd look for a way to help and feel good to see him climb out of it. However, think how devastated you would be if your son hid just how bad things are and never reached out to you, never shared, you never knew that he was hurting and never had a chance to help him. That is a parent's true nightmare.

 

It may be hard to admit that things are not well, but the alternative is so much worse. Also, you can't hide this forever. The other alternative is that your mother will find out the hard way through her grandchild and that will be devastating. The slow torture of growing suspicion, the fears, the nightmares and the ultimate horrifying realization that her daughter is being abused and she hasn't known about this. Do not do that to your mother. Tell her now that things are not good and you need to leave him. Own it. You don't need to get into all the gory details, but do get the help and support you need to get out of this so that you can build a genuinely happy life and not just a pretend one.

 

Thinking that you are alone and nobody will help or understand is typical for someone who is in an abusive situation. It's this imaginary barrier that stops people from getting out. The thing is that help and massive support are just a phone call away - to a friend, family. You are not alone by far and all the people that care about you do not want you to live like this. All it really takes is that small step of saying "I'm not OK."

[ForestofDreams]

Thanks reinventmyself. There was one time I did talk to a counsellor about some of this. I told my bf what she said and he said "oh so they are brainwashing you?" ...it's tough. I think I went back at him saying "I'm just miserable because of your unrealistic demands of me all the time, it makes me miserable...and you're miserable too, so good work!" She did say that everything I said wasn't normal or healthy and that I had gotten used to it, so I precieved it as normal. She said he needs help. This has been happening a long time. I remember when we started dating I was a totally different person. I was in school, always eating healthy, always laughing....and now I can't even lift my eyes to look at him. I always have my head down and I feel really defeated. He says things like "without me you'd be living on the street."....like I'd be nothing without him. I know it's not true because I've never been on the street...but it gets into my head I guess, and I end up believing him. "I'm nothing without you..." on the most unhealthiest level.

 

Not sure why he is like this...

[Seraphim]

Ok, um who cares why he is like this. It is effective enough to know that he is and it's time to go. Don't spend your time wondering around about him. He's not worth two seconds of thought.

[boltnrun]

Who cares why he is like this? the fact is, he is. And you will have to deal with the reality of how things are, not how you wish they were or how they were in the beginning.

 

My ex too told me "You'll be back. You won't last 5 minutes without me". Well guess what? It's been FIFTEEN YEARS and I have not gone back. And I'm fine, and so are the kids. My kids are my greatest joy because not only are they thriving, but they know they can come to me with absolutely anything. And I would never, ever get mad at them for telling me things aren't perfect! I'd help them any way I could to get out of a bad situation because they are my life and my heart.

 

And yes, my kids grew up in a so-called "broken home". But they aren't criminals, they aren't drug addicts and they aren't in abusive relationships. They are college graduates with great jobs and tons of friends. They are active and healthy. You think if I'd stayed with their dad they'd be this happy and healthy?

[ForestofDreams]

Thanks I will definitely talk to someone about this. Maybe even cps. I need all the help/support I can get right now...because I feel like I'm kind of floating...and not grounded at all. It's like I'm being pushed in different directions that arn't my say so. So..having someone push me in the right direction so I can see clearly would really help. Like the big move...gosh I don't know how I'm going to manage that one. I'm definitely going to need help, I can't even drive a car. Your right when you say they will eventually find out when my son grows up and can talk...and they find out through him, that brings tears to my eyes. I don't want his father doing to him what he does to me.

 

Thing is..I can't ever meet his demands because I just clearly am not good enough in his eyes, so even if I made a million bucks a week and built a boat that looked like titanic and became an author of a huge best selling series...he'd still crap on my parade...constantly...I know this because I am a mom, a loving mom...and I also have a college degree, and I have a talent with art....but he still crapping on it, so ..no matter what he'd crap on it. Sorry for the language...it helps to really put it into words and not sugar coat it anymore.

[reinventmyself]

Going forward, don't share anything a counselor says to you with your significant other. . It never works well is often seen as unfair ammunition.

 

In turn they will just use it against you.

 

It seems you may have thought if you shared what a professional told you it may get his attention, because you otherwise cannot.

This always backfires.

Your intentions were in a good place but a little misguided. You are the going to therapy. He is not.

He will not benefit hearing anything 3rd hand and will only mistrust and resent it.

 

Go for YOU and what you learn is for YOUR benefit and yours only. You can't go to therapy to teach HIM something.

That's why it's called INDIVIDUAL therapy.

 

If you want him to benefit from therapy, he either needs to go to couples counseling with you or seek therapy himself.

But first and foremost he must want it.

[reinventmyself]

""says things like "without me you'd be living on the street."....like I'd be nothing without him. I know it's not true because I've never been on the street...but it gets into my head I guess, and I end up believing him. "I'm nothing without you..." on the most unhealthiest level""

 

Mine said I'd be living in my car. .But hey. .I own my home (well the bank does) have a great career, my sons are grown and doing really well.

(despite their goofy parents)

My ex has retired early with a fire dept pension and honestly I am doing better financially then he is. Go figure! (He's terrible with money)

 

That stay at home mom from several years ago could never have imagined herself where she is at now. .But what I learned is that she is a fighter and has what it takes!! I didn't know it then. . But I sure do now.

You can too. .

[ForestofDreams]

I don't think he wants things to get better with me. It's always me who needs the meds and therapy...never him. He would never ever go to couples counseling, he'd probably make me go alone while he continues to work. I always found it really weird how he just seems to stay angry. I can think of times where I was never so angry in my life and it never lasted. Apologies were said, things smoothed out, life moved forward, but with him it just keeps going. I'll be so tired and exhausted and he's still yelling and if he runs out of things to yell about he searches for the most random things to fuel his thunder (like yelling at me because I bent his royal blanket...I can't even touch that blanket...there's this grey blanket on his bed that he worships because it was 70 dollars and one day our cat poked a tiny hole in it, and he got so angry for 3 weeks and counting saying it was my fault)...it's unbelievable. It's like constant ..constant anger...constantly, without even a tiny breather...just always angry.

 

It's not normal...people can get mad sure...happens to the best of us...but when it's like your living fuel..there's something very wrong. I can't win with him. I just want to hide from him in my locked room at this point. He once got really angry because his car broke down, and later that night he was stomping around and busted down my door saying if I didn't do the formula he'd strangle me. I was scared. I had the phone in my hand ready to phone the cops. He then noticed I was really scared so he started laughing going "I wouldn't really do that!" ..he thought it was funny. I've had nightmares of him one day snapping enough to kill me.

[reinventmyself]

. .don't get stuck replaying all the horror stories.

Put that energy into focusing on yourself, your son and start making a plan

[boltnrun]

Um, that's abuse. Threatening to strangle you?

 

Next time he WILL hit you. Then he'll move on to hitting your child.

 

How much damage will you allow him to do to your son before you get out?

 

You're lucky...you have family. Please, for your son, move out while your BF is at work and ask your family to protect you. Forget being embarrassed or ashamed...this is your son's life we're talking about. Leave yourself out of it and do what's best for your child.

[reinventmyself]

while staying in my abusive marriage and fighting for change. . I was getting strong enough so my ex wasn't able to push my buttons and make me twist in the wind. In his frustration, he lashed out at one of the boys and in turn I lit up and at that moment he got the reaction out of me he had been looking for.

An evil smile came accross his face when he realized I still had one last button to push.

From that moment on he took his anger at me out on our sons. It worked wonders for him, it got me angry, upset and reactionary.

I didn't know my limit. . Until then.

. . It just gets worse.

[ForestofDreams]

He always says he says things to get a rise out of people. He will purposely say really bizarre things to make people react. He said he did this to his mom all the time (his mom cries a lot...and this is probably why). So he will say really scary things sometimes but never act of them. He's never hurt me physically...he always laughs after saying something really bad as if he thinks it's funny. I've come to accept this from him...never believing his threats. Once he said he'd chop my head in two with an axe, and to this day he still brings it up laughing about it...reanimating the whole thing with a joking sneer on his face...omg. Why me. Thing is..how am I supposed to know if he means it or if he's just being annoying.

 

He always says he will commit suicide if I ever leave him too....ugh...why do I need to deal with this.

[Cheetarah]

As long as he has you believing you are the problem, you are the one responsible, you you you - Then he maintains the control he wants. And gets it off himself lest it shatter his ego. It's a giant mind screw.

 

 

 

link removed

[boltnrun]

I'm just kidding...yeah, threatening to strangle someone or to chop their head off is hilarious!

 

For your son...please...if you don't care what happens to you at least take your son out of harm's way. He WILL start in on your son (wouldn't be surprised if he already has...does he get angry if your son spits up or messes his diaper?).

[DancingFool]

I think you are a little bit in denial that he is escalating things. Slowly, but escalating.

 

Breaking down the door to where you are cowering with fear with your phone IS getting physical. It was very much a physical threat of impending violence. He got a rise out of you that he wanted so he backed off. There will come a time when he doesn't back off. The problem is that if you don't leave now, by the time he starts hitting you, you will be so broken down that you won't leave. Abuse is never instant - it's a very gradual process where you are brainwashed to basically accept it over time. By the time you get hit, you are so far down the path that you will actually blame yourself for being bad and deserving it.

 

You don't have to deal with this. His threat of suicide is just a way to manipulate and control you. You are not responsible for his actions.

[shellyf62]

I have just read this whole post, and I have tears in my eyes & I am horrified.

 

You need to stop telling us the bad stories & start a plan of action to leave. We all understand your bf now, we get that he is abusive, but you need to work out a plan to leave him.

 

Do you have brothers/cousins/ bf of your gf that can help you pack up stuff quickly & get it out while he is at work?

 

You need to organise all of this without him finding out a thing. You need to be gone without him knowing.

 

You also need to have legal help with child support & visitation.

 

Please sort this out starting today. Take a big breath, summons all your inner strength & take control of your life. You have a Son to protect from this monster! You are the only one who can do this!!!!!

[redswim30]

The more I read, the worse it gets!!! Sorry, I have to amend my previous posts because I didn't have all the info. I apologize if my earlier advice seemed harsh, I didn't have all the facts.

 

This isn't a simple case of a marriage gone south, this is an abusive relationship.

 

Please leave this man. I think he is just talk, my ex-husband threatened to "kill himself" if I ever left. But he loved himself WAY too much for that ever to be a serious threat.

He never hurt himself and he has a GF.

 

You need to get out for you and your children. Please, find a safe place and leave.

 

I work with Autistic people, and if he was, you would know it. It would be obvious, and he'd probably be on medication, unless he is undiagnosed, but if he was, how would he know?

 

He doesn't sound like he has Aspergers, he just sounds selfish and looking for excuses to justify his behavior.

 

I think you should figure out an escape plan, then go somewhere public and say, "Good news! You can chase whatever woman you want. I want a divorce. "