K's Dating Journal

[faraday]

It's a lot because you haven't done it. It sounded like a lot to me too when I wrote it. I paused typing for a second and said in my head "Really? Has it seriously been that long?!" It doesn't feel it. At all. But a few months, 6 months whatever...Sure felt like a lot to me 4 years ago when I couldn't stomach the idea of flying solo.

 

When you depend on having a relationship for worth as WL says she does, the point of taking a hiatus is to shed that mindset. If not for all the things that went on with my son maybe I could have been in a relationship a year ago. I don't know. I like where I am now even more than I did one year ago. I didn't know how long it was going to take me to sort things out. Then I started to enjoy it. I never did before. I relish it...And that is priceless to me.

 

And when you have a habit of taking a couple months and declaring yourself healed enough to go to the next(even though you are not), taking more time is important...To get over that hurdle. It's very uncomfortable and it's like your mind is so accustomed to this one way that you start to feel like things are going haywire when the 'routine' is thrown. How long does that mean for you, WL? I have no idea. I'm where I am because I like it. I'm past the uncomfortable point, which was one of my goals. Now it's just because I want to.

 

But you did date in there a bit. You just haven't found someone worthy of bringing into your life. A good chunk of that 2 years was pregnancy and dealing with a newborn/baby...I mean, I don't know how people date during that time (although some do- one of my ex friends just got engaged to someone she met 6 months ago and gave birth 2 weeks ago to her exes child. I think she dated out of desperation- she's not someone who could handle being alone- she often couldn't even handle being with just one person- she needed validation from several at a time- so single parenthood isn't spent thing she would be able to manage). You also needed to deal with your ex and getting no divorced, and creating a life that would make it hard for him to find you. It hasn't been an easy go for you. You've done incredibly well

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, WL doesn't have all of that to deal with...she just needs to get to a place where she loves herself enough to enjoy being alone, and finds validation from within herself and her accomplishments. It won't be easy, but I think if she tackles it head on and really questions herself, really analyzes the "whys" in her life that has brought her to this point...she can do it without it taking years...although maybe once she finds that peace within herself she'll like being alone.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[itsallgrand]

It takes as long as it takes. Me personally, even though it was a lot of years single, and in my child bearing years and there is a part of me that wants to be a mother and it was always there, it still takes as long as it takes. I didn't want to seriously entertaining adding a serious relationship or kids until that was straight. If I missed out on being a mom, I can live with that. More so than having a child while I was still working out what I knew I would bring .... To a partner, to a child, I just have always been more concert active that way. I don't like to do things unless I am excited and sure and 100. People have different choices they make though and it's very personal. There isn't one right answer

[IAmFCA]

Agree important to be out of the dating mix for long enough to be comfortable being alone, being one's own source of validation and motivation etc, one's own safety net. Also, to learn to develop a community around oneself. It changes the sort of partner we choose when we eventually choose a partner.

[faraday]

Agree important to be out of the dating mix for long enough to be comfortable being alone, being one's own source of validation and motivation etc, one's own safety net. Also, to learn to develop a community around oneself. It changes the sort of partner we choose when we eventually choose a partner.

 

Yes, community. That's a great word. Everyone needs a community so they can be strong on their own.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[reinventmyself]

Post divorce, I dated before I was ready. No one could have told me otherwise at the time. After all my ex moved in with someone almost right away. What was I waiting for?

18 mos later I find myself dealing with a failed relationship. (I walked away looking over my shoulder at my bad choice, but still devastated nonetheless)

What I found waiting for me like was the carnage of emotions from a 16 yr failed marriage that I hadn't really taken the time to process.

No one could have told me that that was waiting for me either. Collectively the combination broke me. Seriously broke me. That was the darkest time in my life.

 

I didn't date for a couple years and all the while continued in therapy. Funny how my male therapist, my age at some point encouraged me to date.

But I was committed to my journey and it was something we didn't see eye to eye on.

 

He said to me once `look D, you aren't going to learn to bat standing outside of the batting cage. You need to get in the cage and start swinging'

I considered him somewhat of an authority on these things after all he's a therapist, hello?!

But at some point my argument was compelling enough he changed his position.

 

We wrestled about this topic more than once until I pointedly told him I was committed to be 'ok and content with myself' and until then, I will not date.

I don't trust that I will make good choices'

When I'm hungry, I'll eat just about anything'

 

He smirked. . nodded his head and agreed. I learned so much from him but I think in that moment he may have learned something from me.

Or maybe I'd just like to think so

[Ms Darcy]

I personally am a firm believer in balance. Jumping from relationship-to-relationship can be a sign of fear of being alone and seeking external validation. At the same time, there is such a thing as being afraid to date and a bit stubborn. I have two female friends (in their 50s) who are actually a bit afraid to put themselves out there and hide it by saying that men are shallow these days, they only want the young girl, etc.

 

I think it's good to talk with people who know you to give you advice on when to dip your toes back in if you're not sure. Because sometimes, you can be strong - as we all see here - and still thrive from an outside perspective. I would be a bit concerned though if you came back 10 years from now saying you didn't feel ready and would suggest you work on more active strategies for defining your personal goals. There is balance for everything.

[WithLove]

I'm firmly in "I really miss him and I want him back as a boyfriend" mode. But I'm with family this weekend and have spoken to them about it and they've agreed that I made the right decision. Even though it was the harder one to make, for sure, I don't think it was a mistake.

 

I'm just lonely, sad, and wanting to not be alone for the holidays. Why did I pick now to be sensible?

[Silverbirch]

I had a dream last night. I was searching frantically through my house for something. I finally ended up going out to my truck. I turned the corner of it to the driver's side door and there was my dog from my childhood, sitting there, just looking patiently at me. I might have mentioned him before - I got him as a puppy when I was a baby, and he passed away when I was 17. We grew up together. He was the best dog that has ever owned me. He pops up in my dreams every so often, usually when I'm in need of extra love. And last night, there he was, big brown eyes full of love and understanding. I still recall, in my dream, coming to a full stop, feeling my heart hammering, recognizing that he was there even though he had passed away years ago, and knowing that he understood I needed him.

 

I woke up crying, feeling like my heart was literally breaking into pieces.

 

BIG HUG. I felt like crying myself when I read this. I'm so sorry for your pain - but I think your dog really is there in spirit. They re just so filled with love!

[WithLove]

I mentioned in Fudgie's journal about not crying much at all. I didn't want to hijack her thread, so I'll follow up about it in my own.

 

I think it's because in my head, I feel like my story with J isn't over yet. With ex's, there's usually a line you draw with them; you cross their name off some sort of list. I haven't done that with J. He's not blocked on social media or my phone. We're still friends. We like and comment on each other's statuses. No texting really, but I imagine that's because it's still fresh and because he's just not much of a texter. So for me, I feel that our story isn't complete.

 

I've never been able to remain friends with an ex. Because I've cared too much about all of them and I've never dated casually enough to be able to go back after having crossed that line. So I'm not sure what do to.

 

To be clear, we did not talk about "waiting" or "taking a break". We didn't talk about dating others. This was a clean break. He mentioned that if he wasn't dating me, he probably wouldn't be dating anyone. That's not saying "I will remain alone so I can fix my problems", so I'm not going to pretend that we are doing that thing where we work on our issues solo and then get back together. For myself, I don't want to date. Period. If he were to come to me tomorrow and say "I miss you. I want to get back together," I can't lie and say I wouldn't be tempted. But I know it wouldn't be the right thing. I broke up for a reason; the right reason, for me. I also wouldn't accept a date from someone else. I won't do online dating, either.

[WithLove]

Today I bought 2 books on Amazon geared towards Adult Children of Alcoholics. After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood Trauma by Jane Middelton-Moz and The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet G. Woititz and Robert Ackerman. Both got really good reviews. The first one was a full 5 stars by nearly every reviewer (55 people) and the 2nd one 4 1/2 stars by over 150 people. They should arrive sometime on Wednesday (thanks, Amazon Prime).

[thejigsup]

I wrote my Master's Thesis on the Factors of Resiliency of ACOA. I learned so much about myself (I am an adult child of an alcoholic father) and why I do what I do. Researching and writing that thesis was worth at least 1,000 hours of therapy. I am a completely different person now with entirely new ways of dealing with things. I'm not completely healed yet, but I know I'm on my way. I am not anywhere near as hard on myself as I used to be and I have definitely learned to "stop and smell the roses".

[WithLove]

I think.... I need to hit that point where I can't blame my father for what my problems are. I need to take responsibility for how I make decisions in life and relationships. I know some mistakes that I make in them currently, and I'm aware that a lot of them are probably related to having had a alcoholic parent; so I think I just need to be able to identify certain things and know that certain things I'm prone to do are because that's how I learned it, from being involved in a family that had an alcoholic member in it. But that that isn't an excuse; and to know how to not do it.

[imsuperman]

BIG HUG. I felt like crying myself when I read this. I'm so sorry for your pain - but I think your dog really is there in spirit. They re just so filled with love!

 

Agree. The dog dream was cool!

[Cheetarah]

I think.... I need to hit that point where I can't blame my father for what my problems are. I need to take responsibility for how I make decisions in life and relationships. I know some mistakes that I make in them currently, and I'm aware that a lot of them are probably related to having had a alcoholic parent; so I think I just need to be able to identify certain things and know that certain things I'm prone to do are because that's how I learned it, from being involved in a family that had an alcoholic member in it. But that that isn't an excuse; and to know how to not do it.

 

Love Amazon Prime. And with their customer service, any time I have an issue they extend my membership or give me random money credits. I think I have 6 additional free months of prime. Plus one time after some processing fiasco, they refunded me the money spent(50) for a shiatsu pillow massager and still shipped it out to me for the troubles. Free stuff!

 

Anyhow - I agree with taking responsibility for your decisions wholeheartedly. At the same time, an explanation or reason isn't an excuse. It's just something to help you better understand why so you can make wiser choices in the future. Our families or those that raise us have a great impact on our emotional well-being. It is what it is. It's not out faults they leave their imprints, but our responsibility to stop the cycle or make the changes.

[Seymore]

Wow, this is a big journal! Sorry, never came to this section before.

 

I personally am a firm believer in balance. Jumping from relationship-to-relationship can be a sign of fear of being alone and seeking external validation. At the same time, there is such a thing as being afraid to date and a bit stubborn. I have two female friends (in their 50s) who are actually a bit afraid to put themselves out there and hide it by saying that men are shallow these days, they only want the young girl, etc.

 

I don't know how one can jump from relationship to relationship without processing anything. I would be talking about my ex all the time to the new girl and that date would be dead in the water. But being alone is something I can totally do. Between relationships 1 and 2 was 7 years, 3 and 4 was 5. I usually take longer to heal than others, but then I get used to being alone again and say "F all the noise that comes with being in a relationship!"

 

One day it's gotta give, though. 36 and it would kinda be nice to have a kid. Not a dealbreaker but...yeah.

 

As far as having an alcoholic parent, part of me thinks that analyzing that in relation to why you are how you are now will add to the insanity. My dad was pretty bad too when I was younger. I think he had 3 DUIs before I hit 2 years old. You mean I gotta analyze HIM and THEN me?!?! I wish there was a way you could just fix without analyzing every little detail of your past.

[WithLove]

Wow, this is a big journal! Sorry, never came to this section before.

 

 

 

I don't know how one can jump from relationship to relationship without processing anything. I would be talking about my ex all the time to the new girl and that date would be dead in the water. But being alone is something I can totally do. Between relationships 1 and 2 was 7 years, 3 and 4 was 5. I usually take longer to heal than others, but then I get used to being alone again and say "F all the noise that comes with being in a relationship!"

 

One day it's gotta give, though. 36 and it would kinda be nice to have a kid. Not a dealbreaker but...yeah.

 

As far as having an alcoholic parent, part of me thinks that analyzing that in relation to why you are how you are now will add to the insanity. My dad was pretty bad too when I was younger. I think he had 3 DUIs before I hit 2 years old. You mean I gotta analyze HIM and THEN me?!?! I wish there was a way you could just fix without analyzing every little detail of your past.

 

Because I really need to be able to identify that HOW I react to something is directly related to something I learned from how I was raised being around my father. And WHY sometimes, most times, that way of reacting, is wrong, and sabotaging to a relationship.

 

If I could just learn to stop the signs early on, I could learn to change my way of thinking, and my actions, and ultimately the outcome of my actions.

[thejigsup]

Basically, the problem is that we were never allowed to be carefree children. Always vigilant, always careful not to rock the boat, always trying to be perfect so that we do not set them off, always shouldering the blame, always feeling "less than", always having to keep secrets, and most of all, losing the ability to trust ourselves and others. We don't feel we are "allowed" to criticize anyone or complain about anything. We feel we deserve scorn, so we seek that out in potential partners In short, we are messed up. I haven't chosen a bad partner or stayed in a bad relationship in many years, but before that...shudder.

[WithLove]

Wow Jigs. That's deadly accurate. It hurts.

[WithLove]

I'm going to the gym today. First time in months. I planned my dinner ahead of time and brought my gym clothes to work.

[faraday]

I didn't know you stopped going to the gym. I'm glad you're going today.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[imsuperman]

I'm going to the gym today. First time in months. I planned my dinner ahead of time and brought my gym clothes to work.

 

YES. Go, go, go.

[WithLove]

I couldn't go for a few weeks - account wasn't paid. Then I just didn't because it's out of the way now. I've looked into other ones to see if I can find one that's on the way home from work, but there isn't one. It's not too far out of the way - between 5-10 minutes - but far enough to where I've been making excuses to not go.

 

But I have to go. I felt so good when I went before. And I've been so sore lately. My shoulders, neck, upper back. I've noticed it more since starting the weight loss meds. I don't know why. I just don't feel right.

 

I've already made the decision to talk to my doctor about stopping them. He told me generally people are on them anywhere from 3-6 months. Given my height and weight now, I'd assume he would keep me on them the full 6 months - but I don't want to and I don't like being on them. I'm normally able to tolerate side effects pretty well (I mean, I complain about them A LOT in this journal, but IRL I just shoulder them without complaint), but I just don't like having a numb face and extremities. My hands and feet always being cold, or just random fingers being cold, but my torso sweating. I'm just over it. I have an appointment with my doctor this Saturday to follow-up with the medication.

[reinventmyself]

Consider it a good sign that you are pushing yourself to go and planning your meals.

Be sure to give yourself some credit for making good choices and moving alone. . . even in spite of things.

[WithLove]

It's hard. I'm already tired. I already want to skip it. But I know I can't. I have to do this. I have to start. I'm unhappy. With a lot of things. Most of which I have no control over. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning, like I'm in way over my head. There are certain things I can control. My weight is the first place to start. It's not as bad as it once was. I've made progress thanks to the medication. But now I have to continue to do well on my own. I know I can do it. I've done it both the unhealthy way and the healthy way. I felt a million times better doing it the healthy way. It was way more difficult, but the payout was definitely worth it. I just have to try.

 

I can also start on trying to get past the father thing. Those books I ordered should be coming tomorrow. I don't know how they will help me, but they certainly couldn't hurt. I just have to keep an open mind.

 

I'm just... tired. I sleep my life away. I sleep when I'm stressed. I feel like I work, then go home and sleep til I have to work again. I don't want to do that anymore. Life is more than that.

[WithLove]

Sending a Christmas card addressed to J, Ted and Ted's daughter (as they all live together): good or bad idea?