K's Dating Journal

[reinventmyself]

Make it upbeat. .Smile be happy to see him . Tell him you missed him and it would make you really happy if the two of you could communicate just a little bit more in between times you don't see each other.

Try not to make it a serious matter. . If you do he may feel defensive.

If you do so in a upbeat way he may instead feel flattered.

That would be a bigger motivator rather than feeling he's making you unhappy by not doing so.

 

What comes to mind is at my work managers go thru a lot of HR training.

One thing we always reminded of ` the TO Do rule'

You get far better results telling someone what you want (to do)

Rather than telling them what they are doing wrong (what not to do)

. .and reinforcing the results when you get them

[Seraphim]

Or how about say, I just love talking to you so can we pick X o'clock to talk at 4 times a week?

 

 

Don't make it the dreaded " relationship talk " again.

[WithLove]

That's a good idea, Reinvent! Thanks!

 

I'm a stupidly emotional person, Jigs. Like when it's about something that's not happy and good, then it's automatically stressful and awful. So I get stressed out and think about it all day/days, and then when it finally gets to the point of talking, I'm an emotional wreck. That's why I'm trying it this way. Making it short, sweet, and not a big deal. Even though in here, on this journal, you all know it is. Because all of this is, like, my inner dialogue. My craziness and really bad insecurities. He doesn't need to see or know all of this. He just needs to know what I want and need.

[WithLove]

Or how about say, I just love talking to you so can we pick X o'clock to talk at 4 times a week?

 

 

Don't make it the dreaded " relationship talk " again.

 

Yes, Vic, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. It's not a "relationship" talk. I don't want to break up. I just want to share that I'm having a hard time with our communication and that I need something to give a little bit on his end. That's all.

[reinventmyself]

How did it go last night?

[thejigsup]

Okay, I can see where you would need to keep it short and sweet. I'm pretty blunt, so I would just say, "Hey, I know we don't always have time to see each other, but regular communication either by talk or text would be nice."

[WithLove]

We, uh, broke up.

[mhowe]

What was his reasoning?

[Cheetarah]

We, uh, broke up.

 

What happened honey?

[Fudgie]

Oh no what happened? I'm so sorry!

[WithLove]

I broke it off this morning.

[Fudgie]

Why?

 

Please don't tell me you did what I did with K. That would make me so sad for you.

[WithLove]

We discussed some things about what I talked about in here and he admitted that he has a lot of anger and resentment still about his prior relationship and his ex. He said he doesn’t know what to do about it. I asked him if he felt he could be in a committed long term relationship when he still had these feelings, and he said he honestly didn’t know, but he didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t want to make me feel bad. I told him it would be worse for me to stay in something when I knew there was no way of knowing if it would work out or not. I told him with all the anger and resentment he has, there’s no room for anything else, especially love. So the affection he has for me will never grow. And I want to be sure that what he feels for me is real, not leftover stuff that grows out of deep-rooted stuff from someone else that he never had the chance to work through.

 

This all pretty much came about from a conversation this morning. For whatever reason, I realized that he just doesn't touch me much. He kisses me and holds my hand, but sexually he hardly touches me. I don't know why. I know I don't repulse him, but maybe I don't turn him on, either. So I asked him, like an idiot. He said, 'I don't know how to express what I feel. I have a lot going on in my head and sex just doesn't seem that important. It's not you, though." So the red flags went off immediately and here we are.

 

He went on the interview for that position for his company yesterday. The lady asked him what he thought his biggest weakness was. He said, integrity, because he always tells the truth even when it might get him into trouble, or it may seem like it’s better to lie. Well, mine is my unfailing generosity, even when it means putting everyone else’s needs before mine. I could probably be selfish and say, we’ll work through this together, and build the foundation of our relationship through the hard work that will come through it. But I’ll never know if what he feels for me is based out of real love, or out of “she treats me so much better than my ex, so this must be love”.

 

So, I told him that I think it would be beneficial for him to work out why he’s still so angry and resentful, and that I am bowing out of the relationship while he does that. He asked what we will be in terms of friends; I told him that I’d love to still be friends, but that I honestly couldn’t just turn off my feelings for him, so right now I didn’t know. But I know I can’t see him, because it will hurt. And he’s not good with texting anyway, so it’ll be quite easy for us to not communicate.

 

Maybe I jumped the gun. But I feel in my heart that I'm a rebound. I feel he jumped into a relationship too quickly. I don't feel that he regrets it, but nor do I feel that he was ready. Maybe, given time and the pace of our relationship, love would have grown. But as I said, how could I have been sure it was even... honest? Does that make sense? He said he was sorry and that his issues have been plaguing him for some time. That he just wants them to go away and he still feels a lot of pain and sadness. And I told him that I understood, but that I hoped he could understand that all I would be able to do is help him ignore it, not get over it and heal.

 

So, I initiated the break-up, with his agreement.

 

And I was doing okay, until I asked him if he wanted the ring back that he gave me (it's a silly super-hero ring, not THAT type of ring) and he said no, to keep it, that he got it for me. that he would like to think it belongs to me and it found me. And now that he said something completely sentimental, which is totally out of character for him, I'm trying to keep from bawling like a child.

 

And another one bites the dust.

[missmarple]

I'm sorry but I would have done the same thing.

 

Hugs

[WithLove]

I have this site and you all to thank, really. Two years ago, or even a few months ago, I wouldn't have had to insight to say to myself, I am having doubts and this may not work out. I may not have listened to that voice inside that said just because things were okay, didn't mean they were right.

 

I am sad. It hurts. Especially when you know you're letting a good one go. And it kind of hurts a little more when you know it's for the better, too, to be honest. When there's no anger or hate to attach to the ending of a relationship, all you can really concentrate on is the sadness.

[Cheetarah]

Yeah...sometimes the healthiest break-ups are the hardest ones to deal with. You want so badly to point a finger so you can feel better, but you really can't. It just wasn't going to work for X reason. At the same time, I think it sort of zips you through to a different part of the grieving process so as you said, yes - You just feel the weight of the sadness. It is really hard letting go of a good person because the timing isn't right, for whatever reason. It's a different sort of grieving you feel when you end a toxic relationship. Not better...not really worse...But hard in its own respect.

 

I'm sorry, WL. Big hugs to you. I think you advocated for your needs and that's something to give yourself many pats on the back for.

[Fudgie]

I think Cheet hit the nail on the head. I am taking my last BU way harder than I have taken any others before. It is so hard to let go when you know it was a good one but things just weren't up to snuff.

 

I'm so sorry. I wish I could invite you over for some cream tea and we could watch trashy shows.

[WithLove]

I bought us tickets to go see Star Wars when it comes out next week. He still wants us to go. I said no and got his address to mail him the tickets. Makes no sense in wasting them - I bought them for a theater in his town, intending to spend the night afterwards since it would be late after the movie ended. I didn't want to really see it, but he was really excited to.

 

Man, this really hurts. I think I did love him a little, in a way. Maybe because he was starting to become a familiar part of my life? Not sure. Maybe just because I became attached to him. In any case, it's over.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry.

[WithLove]

I can't wait to go home after work and just go to bed.

[WithLove]

My father just texted me, asking if everything was okay. I haven't heard from him since Thanksgiving and I haven't made mention of anything at all, anywhere, of the break-up, so I don't know how he knew. He has a new girlfriend and wanted to know when I'm available to come meet her.

 

Life is weird.

[thejigsup]

Never date anyone who has not worked through all the issues of their past relationship(s). You will be Miss Right Now, never Miss Right. You did the right thing in ending it. It was going nowhere. I am proud of you for having the guts to pull the plug.

[WithLove]

He was remarkably well put together, but his cracks did show themselves in the end. His flaws were ones that I was starting to see and was pleased that I could spot and still live with - in that, I would get irritated, but was able to look past it and know that him as a person overall was better than that one thing that irritated me.

 

But that one last glaring thing - that the anger and resentment was going to prevent any love from blossoming - I just couldn't ignore.

[notalady]

I'm so sorry WL, I think you made the right decision.

[WithLove]

It's hard, when it's a friend or yourself. We tell people on here all the time, when there's mention of an ex at all, that they need to end the relationship etc. But when it's someone you've come to know and view as a friend, I can see it would be hard to give that same advice to them. It's equally as hard to take it, even when you know it's right.