Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

thanks. . .you all nailed it

[reinventmyself]

. -- not because you really WANT to, but because you feel obligated for some reason. The feelings you're having -- that you're being manipulated/talked into things -- are spot-on indicators that something is amiss. .

 

I do feel obligated and guilty for things that happened years ago. I am able to friends with men I have dated in the past. I was naïve enough to think we could be friends and now instead the pressure is building up and I feel as if I am being cornered into letting him down again.

 

I can't feel responsible for this any more. It's been long enough.

[reinventmyself]

I saw G Friday for a couple hours. I explained to him in person my feelings, again - and told him that I am slamming the brakes on this whole thing. If he wasn't ok with being my friend then I understood. We ended up having a nice evening. He's been a little quiet and keeps a respectful distance now. For me, I just need to put a lot of distance between the whole thing. I think we'll be ok.

 

I leave tomorrow for a girls trip.

One night in Las Vegas, 2 nights in Zion Nat'l Park and then a week in Utah with 11 women. 12 days total.

This will be our 3rd year in Utah.

It's so much ridiculous fun, exhausting and I can't wait for the extended break from work and my daily life.

 

I come back and then I report to jury duty? How's having the month of August off sound?

 

After all this I might consider putting my profile up on an OLD.

Tomorrow will be 4 mo's since I last saw or spoke to S.

It might be time. We'll see.

[Batya33]

I saw G Friday for a couple hours. I explained to him in person my feelings, again - and told him that I am slamming the brakes on this whole thing. If he wasn't ok with being my friend then I understood. We ended up having a nice evening. He's been a little quiet and keeps a respectful distance now. For me, I just need to put a lot of distance between the whole thing. I think we'll be ok.

 

I leave tomorrow for a girls trip.

One night in Las Vegas, 2 nights in Zion Nat'l Park and then a week in Utah with 11 women. 12 days total.

This will be our 3rd year in Utah.

It's so much ridiculous fun, exhausting and I can't wait for the extended break from work and my daily life.

 

I come back and then I report to jury duty? How's having the month of August off sound?

 

After all this I might consider putting my profile up on an OLD.

Tomorrow will be 4 mo's since I last saw or spoke to S.

It might be time. We'll see.

 

Have a great time! Impressive that you can gather such a large group for a recurring travel adventure!

[reinventmyself]

Had a great trip. Came back exhausted and hung around the house all weekend.

12 days surrounded by people tapped me out.

A quiet weekend at home recharged me.

 

During our 8 hour vacation drive I get a text from B. He was my previous serious relationship prior to S. I haven't spoken to him in 3 years. Just reinforces my experiences that they always make a surprise return. B and I were so compatible, activity wise. I have the best memories with him. Yet, further into a committed relationship with him he became very controlling and down right mean.

We've exchanged a few texts and he's baiting met to come visit.

My last text - "and the definition of insanity is?"

There is no doubt that we would both agree that we didn't make a good romantic couple. The naïve part of me wonders if we could be friends. But so far my latest attempts at being friends with ex's hasn't gone so well.

So I will ponder this some more.

 

The ex high school sweet heart G, is still contacting me. He quieted down some and seems to be ramping up again.

I don't want to have to be mean to get through to him, but he's not leaving me much choice.

 

I tweaked my profile some and put it up on Saturday night. I am communicating with 2 men. One, S who lives about 5 miles from me and another D, is about 20 miles from me.

 

S is a year older than me and only has 2 pictures and neither are full body ones. He has a very handsome face, very much my type. However his status states `separated'

So far we've only text because he was playing in softball tournament all day and out celebrating with his friends.

Some how we managed to have some playful banter through out the day. He called me when he got home, but it was past my bedtime. We might have a lot in common.

 

D, however was a little over eager. Long winded emails out of the gate concern me. He gave me all his vital information, phone number, email, invitation to chat. I told him I had errands to run during the day and asked him for a good time to call. I get home at the end of day and he's emailed me 3 more times. All this makes me uncomfortable. I didn't feel up to calling him after all. I will reassess this one later today. So far he's quiet.

Which means he's either settled down or given up. Either is perfectly ok with me.

[reinventmyself]

I talked to S on the phone last night for over an hour. He's funny, warm and open. He did send me some more pictures and full body ones so I am not concerned about the physical attraction part. Add in he's been separated for two years and he states that he and his ex went their separate ways and didn't want anything from each other. So both my questions were answered.

 

Since his separation he has taken an early retirement and for reasons she won't explain, she makes excuses so as not sign off. He takes that as a possible suggestion she has reconsidered not asking for any of his pension. So, he waits.

 

I will meet him tonight for a drink. His name is so close to my most recent bf, this could be tricky

(Shawn vs Shane)

 

The only red flag was that he tended to overshare about his divorces and shared a couple funny stories about flirting with women that turned out badly. He started to tell me another story and caught himself and I jumped in and told him that he ought to stop. We laughed about it, but I am thinking, I am not one of your drinking buddies. I don't need to hear about your conquests or lack there of. He is obviously an extrovert and quite flirtatious.

 

The other guy, D continues to email me even though I haven't responded. His lack of patience and over eagerness is enough to cause me to bail on this one.

 

I know I should multi date or at least talk to more than one at the time but honestly I don't have the energy or the desire.

[Jibralta]

His name is so close to my most recent bf, this could be tricky

(Shawn vs Shane)

 

That's an easy and understandable slip. If it happens, just play it off like you confused the names because they are similar (AVOID saying "Oh, that's my ex's name!!).

[reinventmyself]

I am trying to not get ahead of myself here. But last night he offered to cook me dinner. I declined. (I've never met him)

We've agreed to a drink and a walk around a farmers market. He just text me his home address.

In turn I asked if I could meet him at a restaurant instead.

So far. . silence.

[reinventmyself]

I had a nice evening w S. Funny how we fill in the blanks with the unknown. Even with pictures I had envisioned him to be more of a manly man. He was still handsome, lean and fit. Dressed very well.

I guess it threw me some so I had to readjust.

The playful side of him wasn't present and I could tell he was nervous. He was complimentary saying I looked better than my pictures.

With little to go on he seemed a little anal to me. In an uptight way.

The jury is still out.

As much as it's a compliment when I feel like a man is flustered in my presence, I want someone with enough confidence to push past it. It makes me feel like I have too much of an upper hand and the attraction fizzles.

 

I just didn't feel the chemistry but I'll give it another chance. I wanted the funny, confident guy on the phone and he didn't show up tonight.

[Batya33]

I had a nice evening w S. Funny how we fill in the blanks with the unknown. Even with pictures I had envisioned him to be more of a manly man. He was still handsome, lean and fit. Dressed very well.

I guess it threw me some so I had to readjust.

The playful side of him wasn't present and I could tell he was nervous. He was complimentary saying I looked better than my pictures.

With little to go on he seemed a little anal to me. In an uptight way.

The jury is still out.

As much as it's a compliment when I feel like a man is flustered in my presence, I want someone with enough confidence to push past it. It makes me feel like I have too much of an upper hand and the attraction fizzles.

 

I just didn't feel the chemistry but I'll give it another chance. I wanted the funny, confident guy on the phone and he didn't show up tonight.

 

This reminds me. Many years ago I had a great conversation with a man from an online site. He owned an antiques store in the major city I was living in and made a fine living at it. He then called me again to chat a bit more and make a plan to meet. He called me at work. I didn't want to not take the call but I also couldn't talk long, had to speak in a lower/professional tone just in case. The main reason for his call was to make a plan. A minute or so in he tells me I sound different, formal, etc. I explain nicely that I'm at work. A minute later he is actually a bit agitated and says that I sound different, too uptight, etc. He ends the call and we never met. It always stuck in my mind as a bizarre reason to write someone off (although it could be he was just looking for an excuse, I guess)

[reinventmyself]

Just an observation. . .I walked away from my date feeling ambivalent. Very low chemistry but is it because I am too guarded and looking for the negative?

He text me a couple times yesterday. Today I pushed myself to initiate contact. He responded warmly.

 

I know he has a baseball tournament this weekend and his parents are coming in town to watch his sons dog (who lives close by) while the two of them are away on a mens annual hunting trip through the end of next week.

 

Do I know this man? No. Am I attracted to him? I don't know. Do I even want relationship? I don't know. Maybe with the right guy?

 

But the thought of possibly being put off or denied suddenly ups his value. WTH . .I don't know him

I hate this and its tripped me up before,

. . working on being smarter. Its moments like this that have taken me down the wrong path.

I just booked up my weekend with friends. . Staying on track.

[Batya33]

So are you thinking he is unavailable to see you because he's not that into you so then he's a challenge? Sounds like he just has other plans this particular weekend.

 

I'd see him a few more times and if by then you don't have the desire to at least kiss him, I'd move on. JMHO.

[reinventmyself]

So are you thinking he is unavailable to see you because he's not that into you so then he's a challenge?

.

 

Yes. .the awkward truth and observation.

I left the meet n greet with a `meh' feeling.

I know his unavailability is valid but I squash the thought that he may not be into me. . and then I talk myself into giving it more value than it deserves.

It's a slippery slope and even though I am aware of the dynamic, it still trips me up a little and has gotten me into wrong relationships before.

It helps to put it in writing. .

[Jibralta]

Yes. .the awkward truth and observation.

I left the meet n greet with a `meh' feeling.

I know his unavailability is valid but I squash the thought that he may not be into me. . and then I talk myself into giving it more value than it deserves.

It's a slippery slope and even though I am aware of the dynamic, it still trips me up a little and has gotten me into wrong relationships before.

It helps to put it in writing. .

 

Hang onto that feeling. Don't let it get filibustered by the dubious 'challenge.'

[reinventmyself]

This may be premature but I don't think I'll hear from him again. He text me a flirty Bitmoji and 10 mins later sent it again and quickly apologized, that it was meant for his golfing buddy. Riiight.

 

I recalled a request that stood out to me but I hadn't processed. A couple days ago he asked for me send him pictures so he didn't have to log onto to the website to see them. Who cares unless he's concerned that someone is monitoring his activity?

 

That and he volunteered his ex is on the same website and he overshared about their breakup.

I've been wrong before, but

. . Oh well

[reinventmyself]

Is was wrong. He called yesterday to see if I was available but I already planned my weekend.

Mabey Monday or Tuesday before he leaves on his trip

[Sportster2005]

This may be premature but I don't think I'll hear from him again. He text me a flirty Bitmoji and 10 mins later sent it again and quickly apologized, that it was meant for his golfing buddy. Riiight.

 

I recalled a request that stood out to me but I hadn't processed. A couple days ago he asked for me send him pictures so he didn't have to log onto to the website to see them. Who cares unless he's concerned that someone is monitoring his activity?

 

That and he volunteered his ex is on the same website and he overshared about their breakup.

I've been wrong before, but

. . Oh well

 

Sounds odd. Maybe he's hinting he doesn't want to be on the site much since he met you. Which is strange. I can't think of an explanation for him wanting pictures that doesn't seem strange. At least strange to me.

 

If you're ambivalent and just 'meh', don't give into to the whole challenge thing. I think it's part of the whole "want what you can't have" dynamic. I think we all have done/do it at one time or another. Nature of the beast. Not very useful though.

[reinventmyself]

duplicate. . . . . .

[reinventmyself]

I had dinner with S last night. He was nice. . maybe a bit timid for me. I don't know anymore! I just need to stop zeroing in on someone's faults so much. As much as it's important, I need to spend just as much time or more focusing on what I do like. There was a little chemistry as we walked around after dinner.

 

I feel this uncomfortable anxiety come over me that I don't have when I am not dating. I squash the whole `what if' rabbit hole that I can fall into. I have just become so cynical about dating all together. Live in the moment. No expectations.

 

I asked him about his recent dating experiences. He said he was seeing someone for 6 months and only after 6 mo's he told her wasn't feelin' it? Oh please dear lord, if after a few weeks I hope a man will tell me he's really not into me and won't wait half a year to tell me that.

Or surely she might have noticed something was off. The whole thought makes me want to bail.

 

He leaves tomorrow until the end of the week. So far he's text me twice this morning.

 

I am on sort of a weird roll. I spent the day the with the high school sweet heart on Sunday. Every time I have to remind him the status of our friendship. I suppose he just he sees it as a challenge. As much as we don't have anything in common other than our past, he makes me laugh and I have chemistry with him. It's sort of bizarre. But I really do enjoy his company.

 

And, just to push myself even farther out of my comfort zone, I am meeting my ex B, from 2014 for a motorcycle ride on Saturday. Again, there will be no romance.

 

I was sitting in jury duty selection all dang day yesterday with alot to think about. At this point and time in my life I am just tired of trying to define things romantically and label them. I have failed up 'til now to put them in neat little packages anyway. I am not sleeping with anyone, I can date and be around people that enrich my life. I will always be transparent and honest about where I stand and that's all I can do.

 

Just trying to keep things from blowing up in my face. .

[reinventmyself]

I miss some people around here. . and I think you know who you all are. 5 total, maybe more. It's just not the same ;(

[notalady]

I'm still following your journal reinvent just not been writing as much haha

[reinventmyself]

I've spent another day with the high school sweetheart and the feelings are too complicated to sort out.

I still see that young man in him. He's very complex, witty, funny, keeps me on my toes. The chemistry is still there. But over the years he hasn't taken care of himself. He has some health issues from years of neglect and complacency. I see him trying to turn these around and he's been somewhat successful at losing weight and changing his eating habits. I am guilty of finding myself thinking, if he only changed this, changed that. I snap out of it and focus on who he is today and need to accept him fully as the man he is and not some sort of project.

 

The man he is is totally incompatible with who I am today. We have no similar interests and our lifestyles could not be any different. There is something very sad about this to me. He makes me laugh easily and I think I have cried every time I have seen him. He touches me in a way I don't fully understand. But mostly I think the tears are because I know ultimately I will disappoint him again.

I've tried my best to be honest and transparent about our friendship and he doesn't listen. I can safely say that part of him hasn't changed since he was the young man I fell in love with a lifetime ago.

 

The new guy S was out of town last week and text me each day with pictures and antidotes of his trip. His parents are still at his house from out of town having stayed to watch the dog. They leave tonight. We've talked on the phone the last two nights and he's funny, charming and likeable. I will see him Friday night.

 

While chatting last night I added up that he's the one that ended both of his marriages and walked away from his recent 6mo relationship. I am noting that he may be unavailable in some ways and I am not up to getting attached to someone who's track record so far paints him as a runner. I will go into this trying to be smart about it and at the same to open to any possibility. Either way it still makes me nervous.

 

S (the recent ex) has posted his OLD profile a week or so ago. That makes me sad. It's confusing at the same time. He painted himself as the one more invested, the frustrated victim, yet he left. I see his profile up and active and I question if the whole thing was a lie.

 

A friend sent me a little video about relationships and letting go. The message in the end stung. S never fought for me, for us. Though he professed to loving me more than anyone. . and he walked away so easily. He too has a history of running. I hope he finds his unicorn someday. Funny, I would have never admitted it 'til now. Had he come back there was maybe a 25%? chance I would have been tempted. But now seeing him shopping for someone better suited for him turns my stomach. I am still b*tt hurt that he beat me to the punch. In light of everything I treated him very well. Short of sacrificing my soul, it just wasn't enough.

 

I don't know if I am cut out for dating anymore. But I will give it a shot. Eyes wide open.

[reinventmyself]

I have my date with S tonight. Dinner and stand up comedy. One of my favorite things to do on a date.

He was looking to take me to a speedway race or something like that. We joked about Indi cars. Not my favorite idea but I love that he was making such and effort and thinking outside of the box.

 

Especially after a year and half with the recent ex S, who was always passive about plans. He would go as far as to say `I am not good at making plans' and passively put everything in my lap -all-the-time. What to eat, what to do, where to go. The man would have me pick his clothes if I wanted to. (didn't!) The man had absolutely made zero effort. I don't mind making plans but I don't want the entire responsibility. I came up with a compromise. When at my house, I would do the planning. His house, his plans. He was still painfully passive and put it all back on me. Ugh. . I don't miss that.

 

Anyway. . . I suspect the new S (I should add last initials so as to not confuse them) SL is dating others. It's fine but it does add to my cynicism somewhat. Some of it is just a lot of work I feel reluctant to even do. Working on my attitude at the moment.

 

Sad comparison, but my oldest son and I watch trashy reality shows. I notice the ones to make it to the end on the Bachelor are the ones who are able to not let the knowledge of the competition effect them to point that they come unhinged. The ones that suffer thru it rarely make it very far and never finish.

[reinventmyself]

. . .I've been fighting something all day. My head hurts and my stomach isn't right. I keep belching.

I've pumped myself with Advil and pepto bismal. This should be an interesting evening.

[faraday]

 

 

While chatting last night I added up that he's the one that ended both of his marriages and walked away from his recent 6mo relationship. I am noting that he may be unavailable in some ways and I am not up to getting attached to someone who's track record so far paints him as a runner. I will go into this trying to be smart about it and at the same to open to any possibility. Either way it still makes me nervous.

 

Not judging, but an honest question....why continue to date him when you know you don't want to get attached...when he has red flags...like...why? That's enough reason to walk away. It's hard to not get attached and to not like someone that you spend time with...so if you can see that it will probably end in disaster...why not end it and look for someone without red flags?

 

 

A friend sent me a little video about relationships and letting go. The message in the end stung. S never fought for me, for us. Though he professed to loving me more than anyone. . and he walked away so easily. He too has a history of running.

It's funny...the men that talked the most about loving me...that talked the most about the future...were always the ones that showed me with actions that they loved me the least. Always remember...action expresses priority. Talk is cheap. Look for someone that *shows* you with their actions that they care.

 

I don't know if I am cut out for dating anymore.

 

You're too lovely to give up on dating. There are so many men that will feel like they hit the jackpot meeting you...you just have to meet one worthy. And yes, that is the tricky part....and for you, a huge piece of that puzzle is learning to cut out men that aren't long term relationship material as soon as you realize they aren't your forever...you're too nice giving these men chance after chance to show you that they can be different, that they can be better. A leopard doesn't change its spots. Find one with good "spots".

 

Keep remembering...you are fabulous. Find someone as fabulous as you are, and you'll be golden xx