Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I keep trying to do things in my own time frame. It's been less than 2 1/2 months and according to me, we are 'dating exclusively'.

He's slipping the `girlfriend' label a couple times and is setting up house.

I've in this position more than once and dang it, I want to do things at my pace!

Why do we need to have that convo now?. .

[saluk]

"So far he's bought me a blow dryer, flat iron, robe, pillow to keep at his house. . and various food items I like. Slow down Cowboy!!

And no, I didn't bring up the subject of the future. . Didn't feel right given the time frame. "

 

I mean, if he was testing you, it sounds like exactly the right time to say "hold on son, this looks like a test. What exactly is going on in that weirdly shaped man brain of yours, because it sure as heck isn't where my brain is yet. slow your roll!"

[reinventmyself]

"So far he's bought me a blow dryer, flat iron, robe, pillow to keep at his house. . and various food items I like. Slow down Cowboy!!

And no, I didn't bring up the subject of the future. . Didn't feel right given the time frame. "

 

I mean, if he was testing you, it sounds like exactly the right time to say "hold on son, this looks like a test. What exactly is going on in that weirdly shaped man brain of yours, because it sure as heck isn't where my brain is yet. slow your roll!"

 

If I am really honest, the other reason I don't challenge this and ask is I am probably afraid of the answer.

o.k. . I said it.

[WithLove]

It's okay to be afraid of the answer and still want to be in the relationship, though. It's just a matter of finding a pace that suits you both. I do think he is moving a little too quick for you, but I also believe you really like him (despite some things you've mentioned not liking) and you're trying to justify his pace with that. It's a nice idea in theory, but I believe eventually you'll retreat and he'll be left wondering what happened.

[faraday]

It's funny how that stuff works. Jay didn't even clear out a drawer for me to keep my toothbrush in until four months in...didn't have anything at his house that I liked until around 7 months when he finally clicked in that I'm a lot friendlier with coffee in the mornings...so he started buying me my favourite Starbucks instant coffee (because he didn't have a coffee maker).

 

I would have killed for him to make more room for me in his life early on. But where's the tipping point where it's too much and starts to freak a person out? Well, probably close to where your guy is....some things show thoughtfulness, others show over enthusiasm....which can get overwhelming if you're not in the same place.

 

And maybe you need to put it like that....I like your enthusiasm, but leaving me wanting a bit too...wanting is desire. Having everything is comfortable...which isn't sexy in the beginning.

 

 

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[notalady]

I'd freak out too if a guy I dated for a couple months started buying all these things for his place to accomodate me, especially the bigger items like blow drier, flat iron etc. I mean if it was just food and maybe a pillow (because you need it for better sleep), that's sweet and considerate. All those other stuff is too much. I think the only appropriate time to buy those is when you're fairly well progressed and serious in a relationship.

 

I would definitely say something.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks Ladies!

I am processing all of this.

 

At the same time I've met those guys who try to really fast track things and reek of neediness. I don't get that from him. He doesn't blow up my phone. I don't hear from him more than once or twice a day. We are busy with very separate lives and in that respect it feels like the pace is really organic.

 

I like the idea his actions show me that he is all and that's reassuring that we are on the right track, but then it starts to cross the line with the gift buying it feels like to a little too, much too soon.

[WithLove]

Maybe just a small comment on the more permanent things, like the flat iron and blow dryer, would be helpful. "Hey, I dig you, and I like the direction we're heading - but you having them here already is a little too quick for me."

 

"BUT - staying over for a night sounds like a great idea. When can we do that next? I'll bring my own toiletries, promise "

[faraday]

He's not smothering you and making you his life...so that's really awesome. Usually thoughtfulness comes with that feverish "must keep him/her" mindset, that creeps the hell out of the other person lol.

 

He just sounds really thoughtful. I bet he'll be great at birthdays and anniversaries. Do you know that all this stuff is new and wasn't left by an ex? Lol

 

 

 

 

 

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[Silverbirch]

Maybe he is just a good-hearted generous person.

[reinventmyself]

He's not smothering you and making you his life...so that's really awesome. Usually thoughtfulness comes with that feverish "must keep him/her" mindset, that creeps the hell out of the other person lol.

 

He just sounds really thoughtful. I bet he'll be great at birthdays and anniversaries. Do you know that all this stuff is new and wasn't left by an ex? Lol

 

 

 

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oh . .it's brand spankin' new. I would not be happy if it was someone elses . .eww! Haha

 

I have warned him to slow his roll with it though and that I am afraid of what he might bring home next. I think he sees it as a dare, of sorts.

 

@ silverbirch. . he is a good hearted and generous. ;}

[faraday]

I was joking...but it was a thought that crossed my mind...that maybe he was like a hotel for gfs

 

He sounds like a good guy What are you calling him in here?

 

 

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[reinventmyself]

I was joking...but it was a thought that crossed my mind...that maybe he was like a hotel for gfs

 

He sounds like a good guy What are you calling him in here?

 

 

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(what am I calling him in here). . "S" I think that was your question.

 

Funny, I refer to his house as the "Sp***t Hotel" (his last name)

[faraday]

(what am I calling him in here). . "S" I think that was your question.

 

Funny, I refer to his house as the "Sp***t Hotel" (his last name)

 

That is what I was asking

 

That's funny! Sounds like he's good at hospitality...it's pretty rare for a man. Enjoy

 

 

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[reinventmyself]

That is what I was asking

 

That's funny! Sounds like he's good at hospitality...it's pretty rare for a man. Enjoy

 

 

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Thanks Faraday!

I have missed (or ignored) so many red flags in my life and now I see them everywhere and I often get dizzy trying to discern between

what's a legitimate concern or not.

[Silverbirch]

RIM, personally, why not just appreciate the nice and generous person who he is. I know a lot of people here would disagree with that, but I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. I'd say it mostly means he likes you a lot. I was with someone who pretty much never gave me anything, never a birthday present, and definitely NEVER a Valentine's gift like flowers. For me, that pretty much killed it. The stinginess carried over to other areas. My son has been very generous with girlfriends - because he has wanted to do things for them to make them happy and show he cares about them.

[reinventmyself]

RIM, personally, why not just appreciate the nice and generous person who he is. I know a lot of people here would disagree with that, but I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. I'd say it mostly means he likes you a lot. I was with someone who pretty much never gave me anything, never a birthday present, and definitely NEVER a Valentine's gift like flowers. For me, that pretty much killed it. The stinginess carried over to other areas. My son has been very generous with girlfriends - because he has wanted to do things for them to make them happy and show he cares about them.

 

Thanks SB. . I am trying to focus on the positive ;}

[Silverbirch]

Good - now enjoy it!

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree -- enjoy the generosity. There's another thread by a poster who said that a guy was buying her a new refrigerator, introducing her to his parents, declaring his love, etc. -- after two weeks. THAT would be scary!

 

In this case, it sounds like he's just being thoughtful and kind. My boyfriend and I have a running joke about pillows. I have a TON of them -- four on my bed, plus five "decorative" pillows, plus a bunch of other decorative pillows throughout my house. When he met me, he had four pillows -- one on each of his kids' beds, and two on his. No decorative pillows. No cushions. Nothing. He joked that the pillow-to-person ratio in his house was four pillows to three people, while mine was 27 pillows to one person. The first time I stayed over at his house, several months into our relationship, I found that he'd purchased two new pillows for his bed, mainly so I would be more comfortable and have what I was used to having at my house. I thought this was adorable! And, he said, after sleeping on them, "I never understood having more than one pillow per person -- now I do!" I don't have a drawer in his dresser yet, but he keeps Diet Cokes in his fridge for me (and I keep his favorite beer in mine). It's just thoughtfulness on both of our parts.

 

Anyway...sounds like your guy is thoughtful and kind. Enjoy it!

[Silverbirch]

Awwww Browneyedgirl - that is very cute!

[reinventmyself]

S came over last night. I appreciate the effort it takes seeing he leaves a little early to try to miss the traffic. He sat at a Starbucks by my house and did some work on his pc. I met him for dinner and right now he's asleep in my bed and here I am at work.

 

I have to say I haven't felt this way in a long time. Now looking back any fleeting feelings I may have had about someone were those of infatuation and maybe pushing myself to feel something because I wanted to. Not because it felt really right and natural.

 

I was crazy infatuated with my last serious bf, who I met back in 2009. We dated off and on and became a serious couple in 2011.

I think the love I felt for him was due to the longing for him for those 2 years. He was just out of my reach and unavailable so when we finally became an official couple the love I felt was mostly that of loving to win. I am pretty sure that clouded my judgment some. Secondly, loving him and my time with him. He did ultimately step up,was all in and available.

 

Unfortunately in time I found out we were no were near compatible! It took almost 2 years (3 collectively) to not only figure it out, but to work on fixing it and ultimately ending it. We were really good together and really bad for each other at the same time. It's taken me quite a while to bounce back from this.

 

I am pretty sure that's what the attraction to M was. It was safe. I wasn't invested. I wouldn't get hurt. He was a convenient activity partner but at some point I realized I was not only being selfish, but being a coward.

 

AnywayZZZZ. . . Last night we booked a trip! We are skiing in CO with 2 other couples for 4 days. We are staying in a hotel that is built around several natural hot springs. I am so exited!

 

Last night I vented to S about some recent work challenges and something going with my oldest son.

There is a very recent thread about a young man writing in and the tone was that about empathy and listening. It's been a great reminder of things to be appreciative of. It got me thinking:

 

Between the ex bf and my ex h . . neither had that quality. As a woman, I don't now how one can be in a relationship with a man and not have those qualities. It's just not something I am used to, to have a man listen, validate your feelings, assure you without trying to tell you what to do and how to feel and just hold you. With the ex's, I just ended up not sharing anything at all and shutting down.

 

I am rambling. . it was a good night. . obviously!

[WithLove]

I think perhaps it's one of the first times you've looked at S and thought.... "This could be a real thing". And I think you're scared and very nervous about that. And frankly, if you weren't, I'd be wondering why you'd be mellow. Because that's more telling than being scared is.

 

It's okay. S being there for you, even in just listening, is a really good thing. It's made you reflect on why your past relationships didn't work, and why this one might.

[WithLove]

Hope you're having a good weekend, Reinvent!

[reinventmyself]

Hope you're having a good weekend, Reinvent!

 

Thanks WL

I did have a good weekend.

 

S and I spent 3 days and nights together. I have to admit my tolerance for the togetherness is rather low and I was waiting for that moment where I hit the wall, but it didn't happen.

It was a 3 day holiday weekend so I only just said goodbye to him this morning. Pretty sure one more day might have pushed me over the edge. But today I am happy and content.

 

Sunday evening somehow the conversation of our insecurities came up. He's one of those men who doesn't understand how men and women can be friends and I have quite a few male friends. One of them I was with Friday night, along with another female friend. We talked a bit about it and he was very respectful on how he handled it. I heard him out and ultimately told him that this is who I am and my friends, male or female will be his as well. I am pretty transparent about it all and as much as he sees it differently, it's just a difference.

Not right, not wrong, just different. He assured me he didn't want me to change anything about my life to accommodate his `insecurities' as he himself referred to them, but he did want to tell me how he felt.

 

There is one particular male friend that he will have trouble with because I was romantically involved with him sometime ago. I understand that. I suppose if the situation was reversed I might feel the same. It's easy enough to handle as I don't have much direct contact with him anyway. I had innocently volunteered this guy and I had dinner about the time S and I first met. He didn't know our history at the time but ultimately he asked and I told him. This friend is going through a difficult break up and we met for dinner because he needed a friend and some support. That's all. At one point S pushed a little too far and I cautioned that any further comment about it might sound like he's questioning my integrity and that wouldn't sit well with me. He immediately let it go.

 

That and he didn't like it when I referred to him as 'a typical male' I recall saying it a couple times previously when we were being playful about things. I guess when I said it he heard me comparing him to all the other men I have dated. Wow. . It just goes to show how different our filters can be. I reminded him that I raised two boys and had a brother and to consider the possibility that I may understand men a little more than not. Suffice to say, I won't be saying that again.

 

I felt since he was volunteering things that were on his mind I would voice mine.

I have history of ex gf's that when they get wind of me, they want their man back. At times it's been complicated and down right painful.

 

He's been out of a 10 year relationship for 8 months now. .6 months when we met. But the way he explains it is they broke up well over a year ago yet they remained in the same home for that year while she finished her masters program and got a job. She even dated during the time they were still in the same house. He denies any attachment to her for their final year but he did agree when I told him that no matter how you slice it, break ups are a process and I don't doubt for a minute that her final move out wasn't some sort of emotional milestone. He agreed reluctantly.

 

So as it turns out, she does want to reconcile. Grrrr. . I wish I had not opened that door. Ignorance was bliss.

That'll teach me to not ask about things I'd rather not know.

 

She comes by periodically still to retrieve her mail but he insists he would never go back.

All I can do is trust and have some faith.

 

I told him my concern about how I felt during the holidays. That would have been their first holiday, after 10 years together that they weren't a couple.

Factor in nostalgia, 6 mo's apart. . I did really well compartmentalizing what may or may not happen. - at that time.

 

All in all. . he's really consistent. . I never question his whereabouts or intentions.

Still makes me nervous. . nonetheless. Could I be a rebound?

[WithLove]

Why does she still have mail coming to his home, 8 months after having moved out?

 

Idk.... It doesn't sit well with me either. Concerns for each of you are natural ones, if not justified. Only thing you can really do is trust that he wants you and will continue to make sure you're aware of that. Same thing you can do for him, in regards to your male friend.