Diary Of A Redhead

[Fudgie]

I think I used to believe more on the "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality but now, after a while in healthcare, I'm more in the middle. I'm still pretty fiscally conservative but I do believe in providing some resources to get people out of poverty, namely quality education/training and the support to study. That said, until social and mental health issues are addressed properly I don't see us making a lot of progress.

 

I've seen so many people abuse the system but I have seen a lot of people try and really struggle in bad conditions, try to make good choices and yet still, they don't do well. Or maybe they are on the path to moving out of poverty but they, due to their circumstances, are moving at a slower rate. One of my coworkers has a few kids and a husband and they work opposite shifts. She is in school part time. She studies during the slow parts of her night shift. She works like 60 hours a week. I don't consider her less hardworking than someone who got a degree more quickly.

[Ms Darcy]

I think I used to believe more on the "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality but now, after a while in healthcare, I'm more in the middle. I'm still pretty fiscally conservative but I do believe in providing some resources to get people out of poverty, namely quality education/training and the support to study. That said, until social and mental health issues are addressed properly I don't see us making a lot of progress.

 

I've seen so many people abuse the system but I have seen a lot of people try and really struggle in bad conditions, try to make good choices and yet still, they don't do well. Or maybe they are on the path to moving out of poverty but they, due to their circumstances, are moving at a slower rate. One of my coworkers has a few kids and a husband and they work opposite shifts. She is in school part time. She studies during the slow parts of her night shift. She works like 60 hours a week. I don't consider her less hardworking than someone who got a degree more quickly.

 

Yeah. But I actually think that beyond personal experience, data and reading is really important. Because I think it's important to understand, systemically, how social status works.

 

For example, in a *purely* capitalist system, you will always have significant amounts of poverty. As you have hierarchical work structures, president/ceo, VPs, managers, line workers ... the people at the bottom will make much less. And if companies have the ability to choose how to distribute wealth, they are more inclined to pay the top more and the bottom less. It's just the way it works without some level of government and/or social intervention.

 

And in a *purely* (I mean unregulated) capitalist system, monopolies can crush competition and drive up the prices of everyday items (food, housing, clothes, internet, phones, transportation, etc. etc).

 

So what you get is people who produce more wealth for the country, make less, and have a higher cost of living. There's no amount of "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" that gets you out of that. It's simple math, sadly.

 

That's happened in part in the US. Wages have remained stagnant since 1973 yet the cost of living has skyrocketed.

 

/

 

 

 

 

 

Btw, the vast majority of fraud in the health care system is due from medical providers (doctors, hospital workers) and organized fraud (collusion between medical providers, lawyers, so-called patients). So, in terms of what is most material financially to total losses from the system, paying attention to potential billing schemes pays much more dividends than focusing on poor folks who may be cheating the system.

 

 

 

 

[itsallgrand]

I find your stance quite strange considering your chosen circumstances as a voluntary dependent on your husband. I don't see much difference at all between yourself and those you are taking issue with, except that in some cases those you take issue with are not in dependent positions by choice. You are young and able bodied and of sound mind. You are provided the trappings of wealth by a willing donor of sorts. There's not much standing between yourself and a much less padded life. And if you had to do it all yourself by scratch, your story could be a lot different and humbling real quick.

 

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And though I don't agree with those who have smeared you on all fronts for holding particular political views, I do 'get' why some might be offended by some of what you are splashing around on Facebook. Are you being deliberately provacative because you are bored?

[Fudgie]

I agree with you, Ms Darcy on the fraud bit. Insurance fraud and medicaid/Medicare fraud runs rampant in and it's really bad. Someone just got busted in my area for fraudulent billing Medicaid for 200k. This provider was just one of many, though.

 

You're right that it is important to look at the facts over the anecdotes. I was just making a point that I have seen both sides in real life and so now I take a more moderate view.

[Silverbirch]

Hey Lolly, I hope you will write again if at least mail me. I've really liked reading your journal - even if AI don't agree with all your views.

 

Anyway, I found out some shocking news today, and as you are English, I want yo share with you, hear what you think, and sort of throws a bit of a spin to some of the opinions here.

 

Well, the news - my sister has been researching our family ancestors for over 10 years, and she has discovered that Queen Elizabeth of England and I and my sisters share a Great Grand Ma Ma. Her name was Baroness Eva, and I can tell you more if I go back to my sisters pages. She is 22 times my Great MA Ma and 18 times Cousin Elizabeth's Grand Ma Ma.

 

Well. My thoughts, the Queen is my frcking cousin! I'm no royalist and liked Johnny Rottens version if Gid Save the Quuen. Hit me wondering, we'll sort of luck of dice - well. Choices in marriage partners, well what if . . . The marriage partners of the past few hundred years changed, what if some children lived and some died, and someone from my family ended up as king or queen.

 

Well, As much as I'd like to stay in her holiday home in Scotland and not have to worry about the price of horse feed, Cousin Liz, can have her life. I'm a nobody, I don't have a lot of money, but most if the time, I love my life!

 

I know you like stories and writing and you're a thinker, and you like a laugh so thought you might like that. Anyway, I suppose half of England us related to Cousin Liz!

[mylolita]

I like your writing style, Lolita. I hope you do find other things to keep you occupied and agree with Mrs. Darcy that writing is a good idea.

 

WithLove,

 

Thank you for the lovely comment.

 

I have been working on the house five days a week and am obsessed by returning this beautiful building back to its formal glory! I am occupied but apparently still able to stir up some mega trouble on ENA even in my absence, not hard to do these days though or maybe I have a knack for it?

 

Ohhhhhh

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

I will add my meager two cents to this thread and say I stand in solidarity with you, Lolita. I am fairly young (27) and work in accounting/financial services. I make good money for my age, but I would not miss the grind of work if the means to fund my lifestyle could be supplied in another way. We are aligned politically. We are aligned in believing that life, more often than not, is a product of our own decisions more than it is a product of our own circumstances. Obviously, people are born closer to the finish line than others, but that doesn't change how I feel. Anyone can do what I do and make what I make, and I am weary of arguments to the contrary when nothing other than 40+ hours of hard work every week stands in between them and me. I am not uniquely gifted.

 

Just wanted to show you some love.

 

ProtestTheHero,

 

Firstly, thank you for the support. I left this journal knowing the potential offence bomb my post would leave in my wake and never looked back till now. I was genuinely shocked to see some replies in support so for that, I say with total shock, thank you.

 

Tiredofvampires mentioned you have a journal? No offence tiredofvampires, but this is the best thing you've said yet and I will definitely, defffffintely have to look it up.

 

You have yourself probably a very obsessed potential reader here.

 

About to go stalk and again, I agree, thank you, we're not mad are we? Surely our theory is a theory in practice? I wasn't born on a throne and I don't live on one either.

 

ProtestTheHero - it looks like a hero can sometimes come up against a little protest, right?

 

Lo x

 

PS - We are the same age. I hope you are finding being 27 better than I am. Not looking forward to 30...

[mylolita]

Have you figured out posting pics yet? Your place sounds so neat. What is the square footage of one floor (I know there's four)? Are all the ceilings super high or just the main floor?

 

Word of advice...focus on one room at a time. Your bedroom first (if it's not done). Kitchen (if you cook). Bathrooms.

 

You'll get there

 

Faraday!

 

SO lovely to hear from you! You can't imagine! Your voice, post... it's like a voice anyway! It's so good to hear. Like the sound of spring breeze through an open window!

 

I haven't yet but I will. I am terrible with technology. This is pushing it for me!

 

Thanks for the advice, we always try to do it the right way but end up fumbling around and going the long way, usually ends up being the expensive way and we kick ourselves! Anyway, things are really coming along and it's starting to take shape, I can even imagine how things will be now, even in the rooms that are empty and need lots of work.

 

I hope you are well! Please feel free to message me and let me know how everything is going with your renovation.

 

Lots and lots of love,

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Hey Lolly, I hope you will write again if at least mail me. I've really liked reading your journal - even if AI don't agree with all your views.

 

Anyway, I found out some shocking news today, and as you are English, I want yo share with you, hear what you think, and sort of throws a bit of a spin to some of the opinions here.

 

Well, the news - my sister has been researching our family ancestors for over 10 years, and she has discovered that Queen Elizabeth of England and I and my sisters share a Great Grand Ma Ma. Her name was Baroness Eva, and I can tell you more if I go back to my sisters pages. She is 22 times my Great MA Ma and 18 times Cousin Elizabeth's Grand Ma Ma.

 

Well. My thoughts, the Queen is my frcking cousin! I'm no royalist and liked Johnny Rottens version if Gid Save the Quuen. Hit me wondering, we'll sort of luck of dice - well. Choices in marriage partners, well what if . . . The marriage partners of the past few hundred years changed, what if some children lived and some died, and someone from my family ended up as king or queen.

 

Well, As much as I'd like to stay in her holiday home in Scotland and not have to worry about the price of horse feed, Cousin Liz, can have her life. I'm a nobody, I don't have a lot of money, but most if the time, I love my life!

 

I know you like stories and writing and you're a thinker, and you like a laugh so thought you might like that. Anyway, I suppose half of England us related to Cousin Liz!

 

Silverbirch,

 

Dear, dear Silverbirch!

 

I have left my reply to you till last.

 

I don't know you but I get such a beautiful, lovely warm vibe from you. Okay, not just because you agree with me and are so so so very complimentary of me but, I just get this feeling that if we worked together or passed each other in the shops daily that, y'know, we'd like each other and we'd be friends I hope I am not being too weird or presumptuous. In another life, Silverbirch! You are one elegant, classy lady. Thats just the impression I get from you, and with that and your new information you have given me that you are practically related to our royalty here, again, it doesn't surprise me one, little, bit!

 

You are truly a lady (with or without the title!)

 

Please message me with more information. I would have all their heads roll of course but, I will support you if you want to try take over Buckingham Palace - it needs a re-vamp anyway!

 

Lots of love, it is always a pleasure and a treat to see you have posted,

 

Lo x

[itsallgrand]

I wasn't personally offended, and am not, by anything you've had to say. We have different views in some cases. In others, we might agree.

 

You seem to me to have a flair for the dramatic. I'm not a big fan of drama, so I'll keep this quick.

That flair, and now your responses, are what led me to ask if you are provacative deliberately. And yes, I remembered you used to strip, and passages you wrote of how exciting you found the seduction and provocation aspect of that.

So it was an honest question, not geared at insulting you, but trying to understand your motivations for putting things out there on a known hornets nest such as Facebook, because you are obviously not an airhead who just didn't realize it would cause some rumblings in your midst.

 

Anyways, I wish you well. I like opinionated folk, and I like it about you. We won't agree on the 'housewife' ' kept woman' thing in our lifetimes, that's pretty much a safe bet, and is something I feel strongly about, but I'll leave you here because there is just too much rabble rousing for my taste ( and it's that, my taste) for what could be just simple conversations.

[tiredofvampires]

I left this journal knowing the potential offence bomb my post would leave in my wake and never looked back till now. I was genuinely shocked to see some replies in support so for that, I say with total shock, thank you.

 

No offence tiredofvampires

 

No offense taken. As surely, none was meant.

 

Your rant was epic. And I do not hate you for it, or to repeat, you for your aces.

 

I regret that you did not follow much of what I wrote.

 

But I will say that I find it a defining quality of the "privileged" to say things like, "Anyone can win." It is literally the identifying philosophy of those in a seat of privilege. It is like a fish saying, "Anyone can breathe if you use the gills god gave you. I never drown, and you don't have to, either." So these types of discussions are always dead ends. Because they demonstrably evidence only a theoretical and intellectual understanding of certain world problems. I don't doubt that you can imagine them all. What is missing is lived experience, and therein, is the rub of true knowing, and the greater understanding that comes with knowing.

 

I do understand how you might think my tone patronizing, but rest assured, I had no expectation that you be "enlightened" -- I was presenting what I felt compelled to present, and if it were not meant for you to ponder, I would have posted it in my own journal. So there was no other presentation for me to "dare" at. The fact of the matter is that there is no tone of civility I could take here while disagreeing vehemently with you without stooping the the levels of Facebook-inspired vitriol. So, we are stuck with that, and you may choose to interpret my attitude however you wish. I wished to object, and in a way that ENA permits -- but as you are a Brit, I would think a certain level of comfortable familiarity with "nose in the air" would be the case, if you read such a thing in. I am not knocking Brits, mind you -- I have a few good Brit friends, am quite familiar with the culture, and have an aunt who has lived there with her partner of 30 years (a wonderful Brit gentleman), not wishing to step foot ever in this country (the US) again. And none of these people would find me rude -- quite the contrary, they would be vocalizing what I have. My aunt will not even visit her sisters here in this country because she believes it to be so shot through with evil. She lived here in this country paved with gold until her 40's, and then chose where you are instead (only up north, in Scotland). (And incidentally, I would advise against you getting any sort of visa now, as people are being refused from your country and many random others just because that's how we roll right now.)

 

I don't even "blame" anyone for lack of certain experience. You grew up with your own life, and it was yours to live. However, I don't believe there is much empathy in action, in the resulting orientation you have adopted and the ones you celebrate. Empathy -- it's not the ability to imagine; it's the ability to FEEL what another is feeling by way of a visceral resonance. And empathy is something I find essential to good character -- character of a person, and character of a nation. There is a shocking lack of empathy prevailing now and that is something I grieve over, because it produces people who abuse others for their own gain, or judge as undeserving and pathetic those whose stories aren't so easily pegged. This is the archetype we are working with here, in those you idolize.

 

I find it so negative to focus on intelligence and wealth as life's trump card.

 

Aside from my not understanding the word "negative" as used in this sentence, I would say -- I agree! And then, we shall both agree that the reward system as it is now is depraved, and that your idols are beyond fiscal bankruptcy concerns, that they are also morally and spiritually bankrupt. Hear, hear! WEALTH ISN'T EVERYTHING, SO WHY ARE THE "HAVE'S" SO UNSCRUPULOUSLY OVER-FAVORED IN THE SCHEME, AND IN THE MINDS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE SUCH WEALTH TO WANT TO USE AS A MEASURING STICK OF SUCCESS/HARD WORK/PERSONAL WORTHINESS?

 

To repeat an earlier point as well, if you don't like feedback in your journal, make it a Solo or Private journal. I am not recommending it one way or the other, except to say that you invite comments in this section. So that is a choice -- and, a tacit invitation. Or tell people to leave your journal, which has been done here.

 

Really, I hate ideologies, not people. So I wish you the best in your life. I can't help but wish sometimes that more people who think of taxes as tyranny would in fact give up their palaces or their cushy jobs or their big, stressful, corporate crosses to become milk men, so that their envy would CEASE and along with that, their vendetta.

 

I know that everyone's life has its troubles. And as holocaust survivor and famed psychiatrist Viktor Frankl said, "...a man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little."

 

I don't believe that we "make our own luck." Some people were marched to the chambers and gassed to death, and there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it. Today, many women live in societies where they are not allowed to go to school, to work, to even buy makeup. And there is not a damn thing they can do about it, save make the slightest protest and get beheaded. Yes, there ARE victims in this world.

 

BUT. What I do also believe is that with the luck we are given, we can choose to act within those parameters with the grace others don't show us, or we can succumb to the indignity and shame that others would like us to feel. Choosing the former is my definition of wealth and power.

[dias]

Interesting journal!

[mylolita]

Tiredofvampires,

 

I don't know where you have made the assumption I:

 

- Have little or lack empathy

- Measure people by their financial success

- Believe women who can't go to school and have a life of horrendous religions oppression can just "get it together"

- Have no real life experience of poverty, abuse or hardship

- Think I live in the South of England

 

I don't know where you've got any of this from as it's never been mentioned in any response or in any past post of my journal.

 

You know, you mentioned making my journal private yet again, and I can't help but think you would love it to happen as you bring it up almost every time I defend myself against any criticism you make.

 

My simple reasoning for not removing this journal from public and sending it to some private realm is simply this - regarding manners and British ones at that, let me put it this way - in life, it is considered rude to give advice when not asked for it. And by giving me advice when not asked, you are being rude by general standards, not just British.

 

I do not ask for any advice on my personal journal.

 

This is an online diary which I find therapeutic purely because I know people can read it. Purely because it is public. If I wanted no one to read it, or have a chance of reading it, I would simply write one at home. Without the knowledge of it being public, there is no feeling of purging for me (or not as much), and therefore the kick I get out of writing on here is left a bit wanting. Why would I use a platform ENA to store private writings anyway when I could simply just type them in my own computer?!

 

What I assume is this - if someone wants advice, they post in the advice section of this website and submit their problem as a question and put this question under a fitting section in the website. Then people go back and forth and have discussions on pros and cons and on we go. I have asked for advice in the advice sections of the forum plenty of times.

 

The journal section however (and yes, I realise I am writing a diary on an advice forum, the hypocrisy), seems to be a more personal and sacred space, whether it is private or not, and therefore I believe should be treated with some kind of respect. And that is a respect for peoples privacy when they divulge personal matters and thoughts in an online diary, that they are just that, thoughts, and are not questions on the advice section.

 

If you really cared that much for my mental health or desperately thought I would be at an advantage to some heavy ideas you wanted to share with me, I would think the etiquette would be surely to private message me?

 

When people dive in on here and freely let their tongues loose in someones personal space I feel like they are trespassing almost in my own mind and I'm slightly jolted by it.

 

I think you may get your wish soon enough anyway, as I have been issued with an infraction from ENotAlone for 'Disrespecting and Flaming' members. I would like to say I feel I have been disrespected and flamed, and all I have done, slightly sarcastically at times, is defend my own character as it has been attacked on here, not just recently but many times over.

 

I thought sarcasm came under the same umbrella as humour, but apparently people can't gauge that through posts and again, maybe it's because I'm British and Americans just don't generally get British dry wit on here, it maybe doesn't come across well, but ya'll offended by it and demanded I get an infraction, whatever that means. Talk about a tough crowd. I imagine after writing that sentence and again, my sarcasm going unnoticed, I will be banned by tomorrow.

 

I have my own personal political views and lifestyle choices spread across a critical chopping board and am told my posts leave a "bad taste". Defensive sarcasm and a bit of not taking things too seriously is apparently not humour but flaming and disrespecting and therefore I am now being babied in my responses I am sure.

 

Well, I am no professional writer or writer of any kind or merit, but on penning this journal and in the spirit of free expression, I will not be nannied and told what I can and can't say and what views I can and can't express here in my own journal that I use for therapy. You would think I had openly supported some awful cult like the Ku Klux Klan or called someone an awful swear word. Alas, nothing quite that shocking to give everyone something genuine to complain about! That would be too easy I guess.

 

If no one ever sees me here again just know this - I will be writing, and writing more, and I will always advocate free speech and the right to defend ones self against character attacks and false claims against my person!

 

No matter what responses come, I am actually a nice, lovely, generous, kooky and sweet person. A real cat. If you met me in real life, you would probably like me and God, you might even want to be my friend. I'm alright to hang out with and you won't ever have a boring conversation. Things would be glamorous, I promise. ENA is not glamorous, and that gets on my wick a bit; so me being banned soon is probably for the best. Never did like the colour scheme anyway.

 

Also know this - I have had many, many a private message in support from people who are sick of the general attitude ENA seems to cultivate.

 

Because yes, I do have a flair for the dramatic (why is that said like it's a bad thing?! Are you not entertained?!), if I could help it, I really did not want my potential and final last post to be another rebuttal and defence of my opinions and character but, you can't always get what you want. (Morrissey).

 

I did want to go out with a bit of a bang or at least something memorable or, heavens!, even a bit witty if I could manage it but it's all gone to pot and much like life nothings perfect which is truly awful for a bit of a perfectionist like me. I can't stand to ramble and now you're all making me go on and it's not my fault at all of course.

 

I seem to have a knack for not doing anything much and getting kicked out of institutions. College seemed intent on getting rid and now this, another musty, bland institution of oppression wanting to hoist me out for an offence I didn't even know existed. I could write a big old huge entry on that but that's another story for another day and another time in another life.

 

As usual, all creativity is stifled. For a second there I actually believed it might not be the case.

 

I'll have to get away with it elsewhere.

 

D will be back from a two day business conference soon. He's been away too long. I miss him. I can't wait to see him. It pales all this ridiculous faff into comparison and ultimately, this journal means absolutely nothing to me. There is life out there and as much as I adore, I absolutely adore, noting what I can of it down; the best part is actually living it. I have much more living to do, whether some of you like the way I do it or not, is really none of my or your concern.

 

And on that note (take it as you will - I'm sure you will), I bid you adieu and goodnight.

 

It's a beautiful night. Here's to the dreamers, the thinkers, the creatives, the do-ers. This night is for you. I known them when I see them. And if I were to dedicate this awful mess of words, self pity, drama and tangents I call a journal to anything or anyone, it would be you. Thank you to those who have supported me. You have been rare, but the best people normally are, ay!

 

Sod it.

 

Lo x

[tiredofvampires]

You know, you mentioned making my journal private yet again, and I can't help but think you would love it to happen as you bring it up almost every time I defend myself against any criticism you make.

 

Lolita, I made a point of saying I had no preference one way or the other. You said this journal had turned into a wreck since people started responding in it, in the last few posts, so I said, if that's the way YOU feel, you maybe should make it private or solo. It was an uncontrived, honest suggestion, given your reactions to people chiming in.

 

Once it is in this section, it invites dialogue, so I was saying, if you feel it damages your journal to engage with dissenters, unless you tell them to please leave, those are the options. That is how this journal forum has worked. But everyone feels differently about how they want their journal to operate. Until informed otherwise, one can't know. It's an individual choice. I have been welcomed in my unsolicited critiques or advice, and i have also been told to please cease posting. But open journals here and unsolicited advice are a regular occurrence here, and it's not considered rude overall. The other subforms on this site are for topical advice on particular questions that are not ongoing life chronicles, but that doesn't mean journals do not contain loads of advice from people who participate.

 

But, given what you have expressed, I will excuse myself as I don't feel my contributions here can further clarity or understanding. I was enthusiastic about your writing to begin, but when you started to speak highly of people I consider rogues in the world, and expressed views that I find disturbing, I felt the desire to articulate why, in a response to your own pondering of the animosity that occurs around such subjects. I shared my ideas because I felt they deserved sharing, as a perspective different from yours, and attempted to do so without being hostile, and yet being very frank. I do not feel apologetic for sharing what I did, but on the other hand, I would not venture to share more when you have expressly explained that such input is so unwelcome.

 

Fare thee well.

 

(P.S. -- I was under the impression that you are in England, not Scotland.)

 

P.P.S. FYI, a "Solo" journal is public, but people can't post. So there's that.

[Silverbirch]

Hehe, thank you for your very nice post Lolita. I will message you of course! Since I found out, I've decided I would love to go to the west coast of Enland one day and visit as many of those lovely seaside towns as I can! I would like to visit those beautiful villages and towns where there is so much history, not just of royalty, but English writers, poets and artists!

 

Ah yes, Im sure we could be friends. I imagine we could meet up for coffee or better still - Devonshire Tea! Maybe a high tea like the Mad Hatters Tea Party!

 

I hope your home is coming along nicely. This week, with my job, I had to visit and work at what would be considered an early Australian pastoral homestead with vineyards as well. I've never been in anywhere quite like it. By our standards, it was old - 1890s with some major additions in 1929 and a few others since then. The vineyards are still operational and producing and there are beef cattle as well. Well, I met the owner, a charming gent who informed me he was single and asked me to tell him all about myself. Just gave some brief basic information, then he wanted me to drink wine with him, but of course I told him I couldn't which disappointed him. I think he is about 85 years old - as sharp as. His accountant was there with him, and they were interviewing new staff. They have cottages for the workers. Beautiful place, and I hope I get to go back, but I'm just filling in for the other lady who is on holidays!

 

Hope you will write more about your home and what you are doing. I haven't even started work on my place, and it will be a whole yet. I just have a small cottage which used to house the school principals. It's only around 60 years old, but a fair amount of character.

 

 

Silverbirch,

 

Dear, dear Silverbirch!

 

I have left my reply to you till last.

 

I don't know you but I get such a beautiful, lovely warm vibe from you. Okay, not just because you agree with me and are so so so very complimentary of me but, I just get this feeling that if we worked together or passed each other in the shops daily that, y'know, we'd like each other and we'd be friends I hope I am not being too weird or presumptuous. In another life, Silverbirch! You are one elegant, classy lady. Thats just the impression I get from you, and with that and your new information you have given me that you are practically related to our royalty here, again, it doesn't surprise me one, little, bit!

 

You are truly a lady (with or without the title!)

 

Please message me with more information. I would have all their heads roll of course but, I will support you if you want to try take over Buckingham Palace - it needs a re-vamp anyway!

 

Lots of love, it is always a pleasure and a treat to see you have posted,

 

Lo x

[Silverbirch]

Lolita, do you know about the Bloomsbury Group and ? charleston House!

[mylolita]

tiredofvampires,

 

"Lolita, I made a point of saying I had no preference one way or the other. You said this journal had turned into a wreck since people started responding in it, in the last few posts, so I said, if that's the way YOU feel, you maybe should make it private or solo. It was an uncontrived, honest suggestion, given your reactions to people chiming in."

 

I think you completely miss my sense of humour in most of my posts, especially my first reply in response to a few of your posts while I had been away. That seems to have been terribly misunderstood!

 

I was writing sarcastically when saying my journal had gone down hill, y'know, I was making a joke? I don't really think I'm that good?! It was a joke. Probably a very British, dry one. I have noticed this a lot when I write on here but I think this site is full of mostly American users who completely miss the point of British humour and unfortunately it gets lost in this journal and seems to cause outrage and infractions. Not saying I'm some obviously hilarious comic or something but it was a joke to let you know, so, it's not like everyone's ruined my stride on here or something. Really!

 

Once it is in this section, it invites dialogue, so I was saying, if you feel it damages your journal to engage with dissenters, unless you tell them to please leave, those are the options. That is how this journal forum has worked. But everyone feels differently about how they want their journal to operate. Until informed otherwise, one can't know. It's an individual choice. I have been welcomed in my unsolicited critiques or advice, and i have also been told to please cease posting. But open journals here and unsolicited advice are a regular occurrence here, and it's not considered rude overall. The other subforms on this site are for topical advice on particular questions that are not ongoing life chronicles, but that doesn't mean journals do not contain loads of advice from people who participate.

 

I understand you like to give advice freely and make comments on my journal - we are on an advice forum after all, but I operate firstly within the general etiquette of the real world and then secondly I play fiddle to the created forum etiquette of ENotAlone. I still think giving advice when not asked is generally rude no matter where you are or which country you are in, especially where I come from and live, and I take it as that. My stance on that issue will always be my natural reaction. If you can't accept my cultural customs then thats fine, disregard them, I really don't care, I am a little disgruntled but I move on, which brings me onto your final point that you will graciously leave me alone and cease commenting on my journal which (you may find strange), I don't want you to stop doing.

 

I don't want to shut people up or throw my toys out of my cot and say "Waaah! I don't like what someone says so they better go away!" I really don't operate like that. Being offended or disagreeing with someone is not cause for telling them to leave or stop commenting. I believe 100% in free speech, whether I or others like it or not and do not want to follow the general feeling I get from the rules of ENotAlone that if someone dislikes something someone says, they should get a slapped bottom and told to leave, or threatened with infractions. If it's not hate speech or insighting murder or anything actually serious, words are just words and if people are offended or don't like them, me included, so what! Let's get over it! Someone doesn't like my tone? Oh well! I don't like theirs! Who cares! Big deal! Are we adults or children in the play ground rushing to tell teacher?!

 

My main point is just this - comments, absolutely fine and more than welcome, but advice when not asked for is rude (in my opinion) and really I'm taken aback by it and can't help but dislike the attitude it exudes (in my opinion). I mean, other etiquette laws don't apply here, for example, if someone comments I will always reply, because I feel that it is simply good manners and it would be rude to not reply, but it's not written in stone here within the guidelines of ENA? It doesn't mean it still isn't rude to leave a comment without a response, or to say thank you, etc.

 

"P.P.S. FYI, a "Solo" journal is public, but people can't post. So there's that."

 

TOV, you seem to be repeating yourself constantly! I am aware of a Solo section for journals, but again I like the freedom an open journal allows me of accepting and reading the odd comment or, imagine! I may even want to ask a question or ask for advice in my journal someday! And if I do, I'll be able too on here because it's open. If I put my journal in Solo I won't have that freedom/option. I am tired of explaining myself when I say this journal being open gives me a slight therapeutic feeling which, I am sure you would agree, as the whole point of this site is surely some kind of therapy (whether that comes in advice, answer to a question, venting, ranting, writing, blogging, or whatever else) and therefore be happy with my reasons to keep this journal public.

 

I don't want you to feel like you can't comment on here - you are more than welcome to comment, it's a free world and it's a free, open journal. I don't want to demand the final say and have you shut out and then respond to your comment also. But if I do want advice, I'll ask for it, if thats acceptable. I'm doing just fine lately and I'm simply enjoying writing and enjoying the odd comment I get here, I think thats enough don't you?

 

Lo

[mylolita]

Lolita, do you know about the Bloomsbury Group and ? charleston House!

 

Afternoon Silverbirch!

 

I have vaguely! Wasn't John Keats part of that group of writers?

 

I have to say I am much more on the side of Oscar Wilde here... I am always on the rebellious side my dear Silverbirch! Oscar Wilde to me is like the original punk rocker of the written word!

 

As Morrissey wrote:

 

A dreaded sunny day

So I meet you at the cemetry gates

Keats and Yeats are on your side

A dreaded sunny day

So I meet you at the cemetry gates

Keats and Yeats are on your side

While Wilde is on mine.

 

Tell me more though! I know nothing about it!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

We hate it when our friends become successful

And if they're Northern, that makes it even worse

And if we can destroy them

You bet your life we will

Destroy them

If we can hurt them

Well, we may as well

It's really laughable

Ha, ha, ha

 

- Morrissey, The Smiths

 

Lately, lately I feel like I start everything with lately... durrrrrrr.

 

Lately! Lately, I really do feel like it's true, my dear Morrissey was right, friends hate it when you become successful.

 

I will sound big headed, pig headed, really repulsive saying this but I must be honest and if I can't say it to them I must say it here - that they absolutely can't stand it.

 

I think back to all the times others are supposed to be happy for you, to celebrate with you, to share in your joy and all I see is a distaste flicker across their face and true feelings are revealed in that split second more so than any flagrant, empty "congratulations" they could all coo at once.

 

Your every progression and moving victory seems to make them just so mad. Madder and madder each time, and they have strained smiles and they can't say a good word about you anymore and they can't even pretend to be interested in your life anymore. You have moved so far away from their world. Their world stays the same and yours is always moving, growing more vibrant and more luxe and more happening every passing week to the point where they never even ask you how your year was, let alone your month, or your week, or your day - they don't care about your days because most of their days are dreaded and negative and full of personal struggle which they put upon themselves. They don't want to hear about your days, because your days are mostly good, and they can't stand it.

 

Compare compare compare, thats all they do, while they shake your husbands hand and give you cold, at arms length hugs.

 

I would rather talk to the wall and drink a solitary coffee than surround myself with these people who used to hold me dear. Or, I though they did? And then you find yourself looking around at a party you're throwing while they drink your alcohol as if it is simply expected of you and without thanks, like remorseless taking from a huge, faceless corporation. They don't ask anything about your life or you but endlessly talk about themselves, filling up the air in your house with their insecure self praise because it makes them feel better for an hour or so, because they think they're fooling you, and you think, well, maybe they can see it flicker across my face as well? Maybe they know that I know?! Is this all just some awful game of concealed hate?

 

You feel as if you are in a Shakespearean play and someone will pull the dagger on you in the dark, in your back, if they just so could, oh if they could get away with it and have you out of their minds and lives forever! To stop the comparison, oh but to end the self hatred! Because when they look at you they don't see you, they just see a mirror, and looking back at them is their own bleak, stark, ugly reflection in all it's envy and self hate and they can't stand it.

 

I think the flicker is the mirror - it catches the light. And you see them for what they are!

 

I don't have many friends anymore, and the ones I do have, I'm not so sure about anymore. No one wants to know me anymore. And honestly, in all brutal and critical honesty, I haven't changed, not one bit. I am no more generous or less generous than I ever have been, no more less flamboyant or kooky. All that has changed is my material possessions and my net worth and such a stupid, insignificant thing has created a moat around me of which my friends think they have to swim across or some ridiculous metaphor c**p. I just don't get it. I really don't know what I've done. Am I supposed to say sorry? Am I supposed to apologise!?

 

We hate it when our friends become successful.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

D has invited a few guys around tonight.

 

Normally, I'd be straight in and up for a party. For being so girly, I'm always one of the guys, whether we hit a strip club or go drinking or stay in the house. I don't feel it tonight, I kind of want D all to myself. I won't share you!

 

I also feel like I've received a little bit of a compliment lately. One of my newest friends, C, from the old days, the office(!), has been using me as a bit of a sound board to her complaints and issues and I don't mind it, not one bit. Normally, I think I would start to feel a little bored, not of her, not at all, but I would feel bored that I couldn't just "fix" the issues. Maybe I've got more of a male brain than I let on?! Who knows. Maybe that's why I get on with men so much. I love men, I adore them and in return they often adore me. Not in a physical or sexual sense, just in an appreciative way, the way a man appreciates a woman who simply cuts him slack and accepts him in all his taboo, manly glory. I don't expect men to wash the dishes or groom themselves or to be Calvin Klein pin ups and live a life of a metrosexual man the way the media may indulge us women into thinking - I just accept them and love them, brutish and vulgar as they can be and they like me for it. I guess I see it in myself sometimes. What a dude I am! Oh my God, I sound like a lesbian.

 

Anyway, C just happens to be a lesbian, I seem to get on with them well also. Go team! But I have this boyish way of hearing a problem a friend has and I simply want to offer some magical solution and they be like, "Oh wow yeah life's fixed woo let's have a cocktail!"

 

Unfortunately, I'm learning to just listen and really, it's a lovely thing. I don't even "mmm" anymore in-between them speaking. I don't like the sound of my own voice anyway.

 

So, Lo the soundboard, Lo the listener! God! I never thought I'd say THAT! Now, I know most of my weaknesses and listening is definitely waaaaaay at the top of that bad list. I am a terrible listener. Too much chatter going on in my brain to focus in on other things but, maybe I'm mellowing out as I get older or something, that teamed with my old man brain or something, but C has been calling and my husband raises a brow and cracks a joke about me and her and lesbians and, y'know, you get the picture, but really, most of my secrets are out to her and I don't say this lightly. Sounds like a love affair?! Please, don't get the wrong impression.

 

No, my secrets - I would be the opposite of a "Tell All" magazine. More like a "Hide Most, Tell What You Must" magazine. I don't mind mystery. Why is the general trend lately so against mystery? It used to be cool, right? Strong, silent types? Mysterious, troubled damsels? Where are you now? Now it's cry openly and tell everyone every single thought and spill your life on a therapists couch and pay them handsomely for the pleasure.

 

But I don't know, I don't know if it will last - hopefully she will figure the things out that are bothering her soon and things will go quiet.

 

No one calls me anyway. I hate talking on the phone.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Interesting journal!

 

Thank you Dias!

 

What a lovely comment - it's good to see you around again, I really enjoyed reading your twenty facts. You seem cool.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Myself and D went to our new local last night.

 

I love saying that because our old local had such fun, romantic and sometimes bad memories that I felt like nothing else would compare. Oh, and when I say local, I don't mean local pub, I mean local restaurant. Local Italian. We hardly drink out so our local is basically, the local place for stuffing our face and falling asleep in a food coma like overly indulgent Roman pigs on loungers!

 

There is a beautiful cobbled street in town with town houses that have stone steps up to their doors. Underneath are basement windows that have been turned into a few cocktail bars. Not the pretentious types at all (I can't, I really can't stand them - I once went to one where it was a fake speak easy and this pretentious guy had the most pretentious handlebar moustache you've ever seen and it was twirled and you thought, no, that MUST be fancy dress surely?! And you realise it's not and they're all deadly serious in there, like, really taking it serious, and people are getting let in on how "cool" they look and, barf, I can't go on. Okay cocktail though but, rubbish waist coats and those moustaches...), but, where was I?! The good types! The lovely types. The dimly lit, great, genuinely friendly service types where if you go in a few times you just automatically become friendly with the waitress and you end up curling your feet underneath you because you feel at home types.

 

It's a beautiful street and our new, local Italian restaurant habits one of these delightfully ensian town houses and it's a quirky, over the top but extremely Italian interior. The service! Just the best food ever.

 

There's nothing I now like more than throwing on something nice and heading to that restaurant with D. I also had the best cappuccino I have ever had in my life there last night, and I couldn't sleep till 2am. Beautiful.

 

Lo x

[Silverbirch]

The town sounds beautiful Lo! I hope one day, I get to visit the UK!

 

Well regarding the Bloomsbury group, there was a painter named Vanessa Bell who was the sister of Virginia Woolf. She rented an old run-down farmhouse, and redecorated it in a style which is often referred to as Bloomsbury. We just take that style for granted as its popular,mand I think always will be. They used to have weekend parties, and a lot of guests - people considered to have great minds and ahead of their time.

 

The farmhouse I believe is managed by National Trust and called Charleston House". I've seen videos on it and they have a website. The decor is a blend of Victorian and Modern.

[mylolita]

The town sounds beautiful Lo! I hope one day, I get to visit the UK!

 

Well regarding the Bloomsbury group, there was a painter named Vanessa Bell who was the sister of Virginia Woolf. She rented an old run-down farmhouse, and redecorated it in a style which is often referred to as Bloomsbury. We just take that style for granted as its popular,mand I think always will be. They used to have weekend parties, and a lot of guests - people considered to have great minds and ahead of their time.

 

The farmhouse I believe is managed by National Trust and called Charleston House". I've seen videos on it and they have a website. The decor is a blend of Victorian and Modern.

 

Silverbirch,

 

You are more than welcome in our wreck! Haha!

 

Oh! We're a member of the National Trust! I'll have to mention that to my husband, sounds like an interesting place to visit and the interior! Wow, sounds fantastic!

 

I actually went to a private members club in London once, I can't name the place but it is extremely, extremely famous (certain celebrities go there, etc). We got in because a friend of my husband's has membership and he very kindly took us as guests. My husband had been a few times before when he was in London without me and thought it would be my idea of the best night out in the world. I thought it would be too, but strangely, it was one of my worst. Maybe I had an unlucky night, but I met some of the most obnoxious, self obsessed and righteous people I had ever met in my life that night. Basically, not good.

 

This private members club is also supposed to be where artists meet and gather and discuss philosophy and the like and Silverbirch, it was awful! Completely elitist when the club was supposed to be against that in their very principle. I didn't go down well and neither did my husband.

 

After reading about the Bloomsbury group and their parties, I think if I were back in time and I had been lucky enough to be invited, they might of kicked me out too!

 

Minds not good enough you see, and I kind of agree haha!

 

I'll definitely be paying a visit to the house though - I'd love to see it.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

I have this awful even coming up tomorrow and it's just everything I hate rolled into one long, long, long afternoon leading into an evening of even more mental torture.

 

Quentin, the friend me and my husband fell out with (or, really, he fell out with us) will be there. Haven't spoken to him in months. It's going to be really awkward.

 

Why, why, whhhhhyyyyyy did my best friend have to invite him?!?! WHY?! Sometimes I wonder if people are out to torture me, if they just like to watch me try and hold it together while I suffer through! It must be some kind of amusement. Has she got popcorn in? Whatever! God. The people. And the people who will be there. Even a saint would find the only way to deal with them is to get really, really drunk.

 

And now someones bringing a baby and then someone else is bring a dog, to an party, for adults?! Why?!

 

And everyone who will be there is just, the worst. Their hobbies are baking and filling their house up with Cath Kidson s**t and playing board games and wearing no make-up and basically acting like they're 47 instead of 27. I die. They all look at me with these droopy bored of life eyes in disapproval, I swear, they all hate me. I once wore a top that showed the smallest, I mean the smallest amount of stomach and it was if I'd walked in that cafe naked. Intolerable, the lot of them.

 

Honestly, I'm not being awkward and struggling to get on with people, I'll talk to anyone, but these people are seriously, they're freaks - when there's a silence in normal conversation they can't deal with it so they whip out a board game. IN PUBLIC! SOBER!

 

I felt like I was in the day room of 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'. Can this behaviour honestly be for real? They're all pseudo studious types who are junior doctors who look down on anyone who hasn't got a degree, let alone a masters. Hey, you know what? I don't need a piece of paper to tell you I'm not stupid. I might not be as bright as you but God, at least I can get through a dinner without dribbling on myself and snorting when I laugh. The body odour. There's nothing you can do. HELL ON EARTH.

 

I'll be amongst it sooner than I'll know and there's nothing I can do to save myself apart from get on the cocktails and get on them fast.

 

Sorry if I'm being dramatic but really, I'm going into the snakes pit tomorrow. I think Quentin is going to bring along his life coach. Seriously, this is what I have to deal with.

 

Cosmo help me.

 

Lo x