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Diary Of A Redhead


mylolita
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Absolutely dragged myself out of bed this morning at the thought of getting into the office.

 

This weekend I've been a bit, well, secretly down. I haven't mentioned anything to D, I don't want to worry him, but I think he knows anyway. I can feel it's unsaid.

 

It's pathetic really, the worst case I've had in years. I've holed myself up in our bedroom and worn the same dusk pink baseball top for 3 days straight. Thats right - Friday night I slept in it after some friends stayed over, then I got washed but put it back on underneath a chunky grey knit jumper which then my friends new puppy had a chew on at the sleeve, then slept in it again, then woke up in it on Sunday morning and just felt like staying in bed and sleeping the whole day. Disgusting. I wanted to shut the world out and snuggle up to D for 24 hours in my soft, new baseball top. So, I kind of did.

 

We woke up late (9pm) and he had put on an episode of 90210. I know - it's pathetic right? He knows I've been obsessing over that show for two weeks now. It's been a kind of mental escape for me when I come home from work, I watch at least two episodes and I can get lost in low IQ, High School drama and skinny female legs. D put his arm around me and watched episode after episode with me. I made him breakfast in between, we stopped to have a lovely little round of sex and then went back to 90210 again munching on bread sticks. It started to get dark outside and we'd watched about 12 episodes?! Maybe more?! Anyway, D just smiled and said we should order pizza.

 

So I did nothing all day apart from lounge in bed, make a bit of food in between, hump my husband and put a load of washing in the washing machine. I didn't even shower last night. This is crazy for me because I am almost OCD hygienic. I felt like none of it mattered. I just wanted to shut the world outside away, shut my thoughts out and lay in bed in a nest with D.

 

Am I mildly depressed? I think so. Kind of. I hate to say it and I definitely don't want to admit it. I'm feeling a little down and I'm hoping it'll pass.

 

It reminds me of a picture Derren Brown has recently posed on Twitter about Depression. It depicts someone depressed hiding underneath pillows. His friend asks, "Whats wrong?" Pillow hider says, "I don't know." Then the friend says, "Can I come in with you?" and they both just hide together under the nest of pillows.

 

I guess it's saying that when it comes to being sad, it's sometimes not just one obvious thing thats the cause and there is no direct answer. I guess it often just takes a friend or loved one to be there for that person. D was there for me yesterday. Nothing was discussed and we had no deep conversations or 'let's get into life' talks.' I feel better and more rested from just having him be there for me all that time when I'm sure he would of rather done a million other things. I love him so much.

 

In other news, I went to see an old friend who I'd grown distant from on Saturday. She'd just got a new Labrador puppy who is SO CUTE! He loved me straight away. Definitely made a new friend there.

 

Anyway, we really re-connected. She'd acted off at my wedding and had been avoiding me for a little while which caused me to back off and then think we no longer had nothing in common. It turns out after Saturday that we have more in common than all my other friends put together.

 

She's doing a very similar admin job to me at a very similar company and has exactly the same issues as me with the role. She's getting married next year but has bought a house. We got married last year but want to buy a house this year. And the revelation of the whole thing was she told me after they got married next year her and J want to seriously start trying for a baby.

 

This blew me away in the best way possible! I felt so overwhelmingly happy for them!

 

It took me aback because I could relate to her so much. Me and D feel exactly the same way. Once we get a house we will definitely start trying for a family. In fact, we're both madly broody now, let alone a year down the line. Suddenly she is the only person my age who is on the same page and life path as me. I didn't feel so alone and it felt great.

 

Only a few month's ago she was adamant that she would never start a family until she was at least 30, but this change was so genuine in her it really made me glow. She looked so happy.

 

It made me realise that I'm waiting and in limbo and have been for years. All the dissatisfaction, all the 'cross roads' feelings, all the not knowing what I'm doing has been because I'm simply waiting until we can get a house so we can start a family. Me and D are both waiting for that. My office job, it's so temporary and it's not what I want because what I want is a family and to be a mother.

 

There, I said it. And I only properly realised what I've been thinking all along when a friend said it out loud and made me realise I've wanted the same thing for years.

 

Lo x

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Dreading dreading dreading going into work today.

 

The weekend was delicious. We didn't do anything special or adventurous but it was the first weekend since starting this b*****d job that I didn't spend my whole time off just worrying about going back like a bullied school kid.

 

I went to one of my local shops on the high street that have a pharmacy section with no need for prescription. I saw these 'Quiet Life' tablets, a bit like Kalms, that stated to be a natural, herbal remedy for anxiety. They also promised to help me sleep better.

 

The dosage is two daily after meals, ideally one a few hours before bed. I don't know whether it's a placebo affect but as soon as I took one on Saturday I felt instantly more drowsy and kind of chilled. In fact, there was a moment when the old me would of got irritated and annoyed and I kind of just sailed through it not bothered. Was it the magic pill? I'm really not sure.

 

Only took one on Sunday before bed and slept well. I'm still not sure if this is just a coincidence though. I may take one again after breakfast this morning before work and see if it chills me the f**k out (which needs to happen if I'm going to live a normal, regular life).

 

Sometimes I really hate myself and my brain. I HATE YOU BRAIN.

 

Shower time.

 

x

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  • 2 weeks later...

2015 so far has been pretty rough.

 

For the last two weeks I feel like I've been in a daze at work, in and out of the hospital and constantly thinking about death, life, and how unfair and short it all can be.

 

My Grandma died on Friday morning and the whole day in the office felt so surreal. It was as if nothing really mattered. Some part of me was in shock, simply functioning whilst I watched myself from the outside in making tea, chatting to co-workers as if nothing was wrong, scanning stupid documents, just wondering what the whole point of it all is.

 

I guess it shone a spot light on my own mortality and my own quality of life, my happiness. I'm reviewing what it means to be alive and where I am now is not it. The important things in my life, the people, the places, all take second and third priority to things I shouldn't give a fig about. Work, what people I don't care about think, money... all take up my precious time and fill my head with anxiety when I need to give myself a mental slap and start living the life I want to live. I need to be the person I am, not the person I think I should be.

 

D's Gran who is 97 and extremely frail is also undergoing a make or break operation today which she may not come out of. I can't stand it. All I can think of is why? Why why why? It's so unfair.

 

I went to visit my Grandad last night. All the hospital equipment was still there which she never used. All the symbols of horror and ageing: a commode, an ugly, repulsive raised chair, undignified handles and steps for everything as if she's a child. My heart ached the whole time I was smiling for my Grandad. The clock carried on ticking with that ridiculously loud tick, shouting at us that time is passing. All her gaudy ornaments were still arranged lovingly in their cheap cabinets. I wondered if the last time she dusted them as she often did if she knew it would be the last time?

 

A horrible game kept playing in my head. Her slippers by the door - when was the last time she wore them? Her night dress on the radiator - when was the last time she ironed it? The top cupboard I could never reach when I was a child - are there still biscuits in the tin she made for the last time? What was the last thing I said to her? Why didn't I say more? There was so much I wanted to do with her. She was going to teach me how to make the perfect Victoria Sponge, and now I'll never know. All the little phases she said, the way she said them. What I wore the last time I saw her, permanently stained with the knowledge that was the last thing she saw me in.

 

I always wondered how people carried on after death in the family, but I'm feeling all these things and carrying on exactly the same, as if it never happened.

 

My deepest sympathy goes out to my Grandad - her husband, and my dad and his brother.

 

My Grandad proposed to my Grandma in a rose garden of a park near where we once lived. I know I'll never be able to walk through it without a deep ache in my chest.

 

I guess we have to make the most of the precious time we have.

 

I can't possibly complain about work when worse things happen to others everyday. D, and his lovely positivity, assured me she'd had a long and happy life, which is true. 90 is a good age to go. But I still can't ignore the awful pang in my heart. I miss her.

 

Lo x

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I'm sorry to hear about his gran. And your gran too.

 

I no longer have any grandparents and my mom's parents each died in their 90s. I miss my grandmother the most because we were so close. Yes, she was 96 and had a good life, but she is gone now. I still remember her voice and I have her old voice mails. For years, I used to drive her to see my grandfather's grave. I would walk her to the grave and she would "talk" to him. Now there are two graves with the same headstone and I come alone.

 

I think regardless of how old someone is, it's always a loss and you never really "get over it". There's a bit of sadness there that doesn't really go away. I can't imagine my parents dying but I know someday I will have to live through it. It happens to everyone, unless they themselves die early. But it's a major loss regardless.

 

Here is something that I've thought about through the years. Perhaps it will help you. Death is just the other side of the coin in life, birth is on the other side. You can't have one without the other. You'd overfill the world if you did. Conservation of matter. In order to have new life, old life must go to rest and our bodies go back to the elements.

 

I may not be having children myself but I know that I'd want a good life for the future generations so that they too can have a chance at life, and new ideas, and new stories, etc. So I know that someday we will all move on.

 

I do miss my grandmother and I will miss my parents terribly but it gives me comfort to think that we are all going to go through the same thing and return to the same state regardless if you're buried or not: broken down into basic particles and elements so that we are "recycled" and become part of the earth and make new life again. You and your loved ones all become a part of the air, the water, the plant life, and even other humans. In a way, you're always together because we are all a part of something very great. The whole life experience ties us together.

 

This is just something that helps ease me a little when I am feeling sad.

 

You are right, it is just so important to make the most out of the time we have. My grandparents and parents will live in my heart forever and that will never change no matter what happens.

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Fudgie - thank you. Such a beautiful and positive way if looking at everything.

 

I wrote that post on my lunch break at work when I was feeling especially low. Coming back and reading what you've put is like a breath of fresh air. Thank you!

 

Lo x

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  • 2 months later...

Like always in my life, I wanted (if possible), to make a subtle and dramatic entrance back here.

 

Like an old but not too old friend who used to come round but just stopped calling without reason or hint - I feel like I've been away for so long but yet it's still so familiar.

 

I've just read a few random posts from the past of this diary or journal or whatever it is, and I nearly cried. I feel like so many things have changed. I've lost some people who were close to me and yet I think I'm doing as good as ever.

 

Abstract abstract I know... it's Monday night, I'm melancholy, tired and reflective (NEVER a good combination) and I need to go to sleep. I also need to write again. I missed that.

 

So much to catch up on, including sleep.

 

Night.

 

Lo x

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  • 1 year later...

I've been going about my daily life so occupied that I seem to of forgotten about this journal or that I ever wrote on here at all.

 

Even more embarrassing that my last post was me proclaiming I was starting back up again. Writing on here feels like a dream I had but I can't recall the details - I guess thats most of your past life!

 

I'm not going to pretend I'm writing to an audience here and I don't want to sound like I am presuming that, but I want to bullet point the main reasons why I died on enotalone:

 

I'm still in that "horrible" job and I took everyones advice AND D's AND I stayed there 2 and a half years. Through not storming out like the old, immature me would of in some impulsive whim I held my ground and worked through each day. Because of this I have been able to hand my notice in on really good terms and my last day is this Friday.

 

I feel like I've changed a lot, even from reading back a few posts I wrote makes me cringe a little, and

 

me and D bought a house last September! I don't want to come across like I'm bragging or making a huge deal out of this, but it really is our dream house! It is the house I thought we would maybe get when we were in our 40's. It's a doer upper (hence the no time thing I guess! Plus a full time job as well in the mix kept my whingy journal posts at bay!), and again, I don't want to brag, but it's a bit of a project because where I'm from the UK, it's pretty big! It's a 6 bedroom, Georgian town house with 4 stories including a basement! It's straight out of our fantasies of what our perfect house would be!

 

I want to start posting again and hopefully this will all be more positive on the whole now. I am going to be starting a new part time job. We relocated for this house so I have been commuting to work (about an hour there and an hour back), so we're in a completely new location, new people, new area (it's a city, for a start!). Everything changed and I guess I have a bit. I really want to document things for myself and wish I had done this year but I can't go back now.

 

I hope everyone is doing well on here and I am looking forward to getting back into starting up my diary.

 

LOTS OF LOVE!

 

Lo x

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Congrats on the house and the new job Very exciting. We bought our dream house back in September too- in my journal I've been posting different projects I've been doing since we moved in. I'd love to see your projects

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You sound like an interesting and stimulating woman, "D" is a lucky man. Glad to hear about your house, sounds wicked. How are the "renovations" going? And tell me, 6 bedroom, how did you manage it? Are you loaded, or is it in a cheap area and good price because it needs work?

 

I like a bit of house music as well, although more deep tech-house nowadays, space cadet, bit of the Berlin stuff and dark Italian stuff, although I like a bit of funky house as well (just can't be doing with too many vocals). I listen to it here in the rusty space pod when doing repairs to the improbablity drive and when relaxing with a pangalactic gargleblaster or seven.

 

I'm a big fan of Molly Emeline (in more ways than one but mainly for the music). Check her out!

 

[video=youtube;BH9QMK3dhIM] ]

 

All the best. Infinity and beyond, baby!

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Faraday!

 

Long time no speak! You sound like you are doing great! I'm going to visit your journal - it's exactly the type of thing I'm into, especially because I'm going through it myself! How bad was the condition of the house when you got it by the way? And what type of lovely place did you get your hands on!?

 

I'll post a few pictures on here soon if you're interested. I wish wish wish I'd taken more when we first moved in! I always forget or I'm rushing to do things so I never take photo's, some of them leap from not done to mostly done.

 

Great to hear from you and keep me posted!

 

Lo x

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Hi Zaphod,

 

Well what a compliment, but really I'm the lucky one I think!

 

Renovations are going but not as fast as I'd like it! Always a time and money issue!

 

And god, well, I would never say about our financial situation because I'm old fashioned like that We don't struggle for money but I'm not driving around in a Rolls Royce if thats what you mean! The house is, if I may say so myself (I know I'm biased!) a beautiful old Georgian thing that I am very proud to be able to own, but the work needed is vast and the location we are in is not desirable to the market of people who would normally buy a large house (people who have a family I guess), as there is no "green" garden - just a walled yard - and the house is a town house that fronts onto the road after a long bit of garden. The house is also on a crescent that curves round right into the main city so again, not desirable to everyone. Lastly, we're not in London or Bath so, it's cheaper buying it where we have bought it than say somewhere in the South of England!

 

I've just checked out the lovely Molly and the beat is so chill! I love it! Location looks cool as well! And she gets extra brownie points for having a gap between her two front teeth, as I do as well, and only the best people do hahahaha!

 

Thanks for the comment, keep the beats coming!

 

Lo x

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And god, well, I would never say about our financial situation because I'm old fashioned like that

 

Oh cripes, I sincerely apologise, madam! I wasn't really thinking when I wrote that, it was kind of a figure of speech. I of course would never want to pry into your personal financial life, didn't wish to sound rude. It was more a kind of inquiry as to how one gets hold of a property like this in the first place, I guess, and of course the answer, as you put, was location (and that it needs work). With these things, my advice is always remember to break the job down into lots of small, manageable jobs. I wish you the best of luck with this. It'll be crackin' I promise ya! Just like climbimg a mountain, you'll be ok so long as you don't look down!

 

Yeah Molly aside from the fact that she's gorgeous, is genuinely one of me favourite dj's. She has real class in her mixing and track selection. Is it because she's French? Well. I wouldn't want to stereotype Cassy and Sven Vath are two more of my favs.

 

"Eats everything" is a good DJ, also Laurent Garnier's still good, as is Roger Sanchez. Todd Terry was my favourite back in the day, early nineties (oops, showing my age a bit there). Mr. Scruff was always good for a bit of retro soul music.

 

But I reckon Molly and Cassy are two of the best easily currently. The women are taking over the scene, and about time too!

 

I do a bit of DJ'ing myself, as it goes. Still play vinyl, kind of tech-house, I guess. Been doing it since about '91. Of course, I'm a rock and roller at heart, but I found the two scenes not entirely similar.

 

Anyway, all the best with everything. And yes I agree with the others, you have a captivating writing style which is cute and draws one in. And *gasp* actuallly has paragraphs. I actually read all that "junk" as you put it. Perhaps you should look into writing a few books, etc. ? Also, your spelling and punctuation are bang on point, which only adds to the experience.

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Faraday!

 

Long time no speak! You sound like you are doing great! I'm going to visit your journal - it's exactly the type of thing I'm into, especially because I'm going through it myself! How bad was the condition of the house when you got it by the way? And what type of lovely place did you get your hands on!?

 

I'll post a few pictures on here soon if you're interested. I wish wish wish I'd taken more when we first moved in! I always forget or I'm rushing to do things so I never take photo's, some of them leap from not done to mostly done.

 

Great to hear from you and keep me posted!

 

Lo x

 

Thanks for stopping by and visiting my journal

 

Your place sounds more like my dream place

 

I love older homes, ones with history. My dream home isn't MY dream home, but OUR dream home. My husband likes new builds...I hate them. Our place was built 30 years ago. It's our compromise. It was the newest I would go. The older homes in our budget (because it works its way out from the centre here- older homes closer to downtown, getting progressively newer as you go out to the 'burbs) were built in 1950's...and while I love mid century modern homes sooo much (seriously) the ones in our budget didn't have the amenities we wanted. Small floor plans, no master bath, no garages...and they were at the top of the budget already, so We compromised and found a 1990 estate home. Has fancy wood moulding around all the windows and doors, a curved wood staircase, a large lot with tons of trees and a pergola with vines covering it. It's a beautiful place. It's just..dated. So over the last 8 months, I've painted the entire interior top to bottom...I'm currently working on painting the exterior. I've refinished cabinets, replaced bathroom mirrors and fixtures...updated all of the hardware. I want to paint the kitchen cabinets but jay wants to keep them as they are It didn't have any gardens so I've spent days digging out huge flower beds where I've planted perennial flowers and grasses.

 

What is your next project? (Or what are you working on right now?) if you need any advice on how-to, I'm here for you.

 

I love this DIY stuff. I think in about a year I will be done with this place...and I could spend my life flipping houses like this...husband, not so much lol.

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[ATTACH=CONFIG]11113[/ATTACH]

 

Apologies, I am not very good at technology and the image above could of been posted better I'm sure!

 

If the link works, the photo is a picture of our bedroom a couple of months ago when we first had the bath installed.

 

My dream from being a little girl has always been to have a free standing bath in my grown up, adult bedroom. Maybe it's through watching films or imagining the most luxurious hotels in daydreams out school windows, but to me, it was the perfect arrangement - I love taking baths, and I love the bedroom - a marriage made in luxurious lounging heaven!

 

It just so happens I scored big, as not only did D make this dream a reality, but the brownie points went off the scale because this bath just happens to be copper. Which, sorry, if I can type through me hyperventilating, is the material my dream bath has always been made of.

 

I feel very fortunate that our master bedroom is big enough to do this. The photo was taken on a very dull day (these days, I love - call me English), and the light wasn't very good, but you get the gist. The bed is further away from the photo and we had just painted the floor boards a chalk white a couple of days ago. Also not in the photo are two newly installed cast iron radiators on the wall opposite the windows.

 

This was our naked little room - bath, bed and radiators. Freshly painted. It was the most important room to me and it was the first room to come near completion.

 

I could write all day about the quality and beauty of calm light that floods through the windows in this room no matter what the weather. Beaming sunshine, bright snow, the darkest most sultry clouds or slashing rain, those two high wooden frames are my twin eyes to look out onto our varied, curved town street.

 

The first night we moved into our house/building site, we were exhausted from regular work and working on the house. I would drive back an hour from the office and we would let ourselves into the new purchase, excited like kids breaking into someones abandoned stick den. I'd start painting - sometimes like a zombie, sometimes manically, eager to get things done but always tired. Being tired has hung over me for so long now, I feel like it's just lifting. The bath had been plumbed in a week before and we were paying rent on our old flat as well as our new mortgage. We knew we had to move in as soon as possible.

 

When the bath went in, civilisation seemed to enter the building. It is the only place in the house you can have a wash. We haven't installed any showers yet or other bathrooms (this is all the come). It was late, probably 10 o'clock. A long day for both of us. We nipped out, paint covered, and went to a shop that sold nice towels and bed linen. We rushed home and D started to run the bath. The steam coming from the copper at midnight in a dark room with only a bed in it and a pile of towels was the most peaceful thing I had seen all year. We got in and had our first bath together, exhausted, happy and in shock. I believe in that moment I was the luckiest girl in the world.

 

I fell into the best and deepest sleep I had ever known.

 

Lo x

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The picture isn't showing up, but it sounds really lovely. You paint a wonderful picture with your words

 

Do you have a smart phone? You can post pictures directly from your phone onto the forum with an app (tapatalk). If not, I'll use my imagination- it sounds lovely

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Today is my first day. That is, my first day without a job. I QUIT! I quit, but I quit good, and now it's Monday and I would normally be rushing around trying to pat on lipstick and iron a shirt - but I'm not!

 

The day couldn't be anymore glorious for my first day of freedom. If I were religious, I would surely think the God's were smiling down on me and rewarding this change with beaming morning sun. The type of peaceful, quiet sunshine you wake up to early on holiday - a Spanish morning. The type of sun that you know will develop into blazing hot heat come noon. A glorious day.

 

I became quite good friends with a girl at work called C. She was the only woman who was a legally technical, qualified member of staff. We clicked after I'd been there about a year. I would normally of documented all this but I've been having too much fun and working too hard (what do they say? People with lives worth living don't have time to write diaries?!).

 

I begged her not to throw any kind of leaving do, but she still did and Friday night most people turned up for drinks to wave me off into the sunset. I felt very spoilt. A bottle of bubbly, a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a generous voucher from one of my favourite online shopping destinations! Everyone had contributed and clubbed in. I was taken aback. I held all my emotions in the whole night, got a bit drunk. D ended up coming to pick me up and we were left with C (my new work friend) and actually the new girl who is replacing me who I had been showing the ropes all week. She is really lovely - very sweet. I think if I had been staying and she was employed we would be friends.

 

The four of us sat slouched in a high bar booth till the bitter end, till the bar was nearly emptied. The dregs of the party, the true and loyal nature of a friend who stays until their eyes are drooping and the sun is coming up on a long night. I felt content.

 

When we picked up the car there was a silence while I read all the comments left in my leaving card and I burst into tears. I always do this! I can't stand, I just can't stand people being nice. So nice, it upsets me! D gave my shoulder a squeeze and we drove home never to drive that way again. We left the office as I'd never seen it before - cold, empty and dark at midnight.

 

I stook at it, I often hated it, I often hated the people, but I left with my dignity intact and a glowing reference. And! Some really nice flowers sitting on the fireplace!

 

So here's to Monday's, but for the first time in about a billion years, I didn't have any Sunday blues, because Monday, yes Monday, you're lookin' good.

 

Lo x

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The picture isn't showing up, but it sounds really lovely. You paint a wonderful picture with your words

 

Do you have a smart phone? You can post pictures directly from your phone onto the forum with an app (tapatalk). If not, I'll use my imagination- it sounds lovely

 

Hi Faraday!

 

Yes I do have a smartphone but it's out of action until I take it back to Apple - there is a fault on the phone and it won't charge. I'll try the app and upload again soon.

 

Lo x

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Yesterday was mine and D's second year wedding anniversary.

 

Typical un-romantic but still romantic D style - he hadn't forgotten (he assured me), but the day was still spent painting our new house.

 

He told me to look in the drawer in the hall sideboard and there was a card with my name on it and some touching little words. He's soppy really even though he's a total bloke!

 

We went to eat out later. With having the house, I've so rarely been done up, it's felt alien to me. Normally, I would always be dressed to some extent, but it's difficult to look glamorous when there's plaster dust in the air and you're sanding banisters or up scaffolding priming ceilings. I can sometimes go a whole day without lipstick which for me, is mega. Mega woah and mega let down in the glamour department. The house makes up for what I lack at the moment I guess.

 

It was nice to have a long soak and pamper myself. I did myself up exactly the way D likes me and I did this for him; I know how much it pleases him.

 

The look he likes?

 

White shirt, short leather skirt, pony tail, lipstick and high high heels.

 

He was very pleased. And that's all I'm going to say about the rest of the night!

 

Lo x

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I do a bit of DJ'ing myself, as it goes. Still play vinyl, kind of tech-house, I guess. Been doing it since about '91. Of course, I'm a rock and roller at heart, but I found the two scenes not entirely similar.

 

Anyway, all the best with everything. And yes I agree with the others, you have a captivating writing style which is cute and draws one in. And *gasp* actuallly has paragraphs. I actually read all that "junk" as you put it. Perhaps you should look into writing a few books, etc. ? Also, your spelling and punctuation are bang on point, which only adds to the experience.

 

Hi Zaphod,

 

Sorry this is a late reply, I don't want to come across as ignorant - I promise I'm not!

 

By the way, you sound English, is that true? And I would love to know more about your DJ'ing. That's gotta be one of the coolest jobs out there? Apart from roller waitress and zoo keeper, it's up there!

 

Thank you for the huge compliment as well. I'm not being falsely humble, but I really don't deserve it. Strange as it is, like every other person who ever writes a bit now and then, I do want to write a book. It's something I really want to tick off my list. I'm dying to try it but I have no practice at all and it'll flop!

 

I'm a massive, massive fan of Stephen King. Serious readers back hand his stuff as popular trash I guess, but even taking away the stories (and the older ones, in my opinion, are amazing), his writing style is just simply the best. I love it. Straight to the point, punchy, real. He doesn't laden his paragraphs with long, complicated gothic, words. It's perfect. I'd want to try something like that.

 

Maybe not horror though! I'm too squeamish. I'm also now going to sound like a right blagger, but this is true: I had a conversation with my best friend about 5 years ago saying there is a gap in the market for a racy, mainstream erotic novel and how I wish I had the guts to start one. Then 50 Shades of Grey hit and I always had the niggle, DAMN, I wonder if that could of been me? She's this mega millionaire now and the book was c**p.

 

Life!

 

x

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I'm working my way through your journal (only on page four, so far) and wanted to chime in with others' comments that you write beautifully. You should definitely consider writing a book. Agree with your assessment of 50 Shades - it was godawful. I have read erotica for many years. It's sad that some people think that's all that is out there because it's all they see at the book stores.

 

Now that you've left your job, will you be pursuing another career path? Staying home for a while and enjoying your freedom?

 

Your house sounds lovely.

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