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A series of "one of those days", those feelings of "me and you against the world, babe" and lots of drives out in the middle of the night has got me back on here feeling compelled to start splurging t

A Womans Work Is Never Done   By God, is it ever.   I think it's because the hormones are everywhere maybe, I don't know, but lately, the past few weeks, EVERYTHING has been irritating me to hell.

A Womans Work Is Never Done

 

By God, is it ever.

 

I think it's because the hormones are everywhere maybe, I don't know, but lately, the past few weeks, EVERYTHING has been irritating me to hell. And not just irritating, but even upsetting me. I see a hopelessness constantly everywhere I look. All my positivity has drained away. All I can see are problems that need fixing, things that need cleaning, to do lists that are getting longer, and longer, and longer. Tired, tired, tired. No time, not enough time, too much to do and D, it feels like his understanding is very limited at the moment. His patience with my moods have gone and now he is annoyed as well and keeps telling me to get it together and be more optimistic for God's sake, even if I have to fake it.

 

How can I tell him - sorry, but do you know what it's like to be pregnant? Do you know the rollercoaster that is going on inside here? I am at my wits end internally. Don't know what the image projecting on the outside is doing, at the moment it's mostly in long neutral vests, black leggings, ankle boots and some kind of maybe afro curl crop thing going on on top of the head. I feel so aggressive as well. I remember this now from last time. And I just cannot, cannot stand or take any criticism at all, even when normally I'm pretty good natured about it. Lately, everything feels like an attack on me.

 

The only comfort I am getting through the feelings of exhaustion and nausea is waking up to look after my beautiful little B every morning. I can't seem to be moody or mad at him for any reason at all. But D! THE HUSBAND! The husband is GETTING IT IN THE NECK!

 

I hate his stupid advice! Just leave the housework! OH YEAH! And wait for it to build up in two or three days to leave me with a real mission chore on my hands and then I can tire myself into the early hours trying to clean this 4 storey hulk of a thing all by myself?

 

I am desperate and irrationally deciding a maid would be the only solution. We could technically have one but D won't hear anything about it. I stay at home, this is my bag he says. Okay, we both agreed it is, and yes, I'm also a control freak about the cleaning, could I allow someone to do it their own way around here? I would struggle. But again, I am irrational, moody, angry and pregnant and I can't go on, obviously. So I dream of a maid. And a couple of servants. A butler would do nicely. But he'd irritate me too, so would the maids. ARGH!

 

I can't be bothered to go out, energy has left me. The day is absolutely beautiful, glorious winter sunshine. Freezing cold but glorious. The only thing that will have me wrap up my little bundle and snuggle him into the pram is the idea that we could go through the park to then get Mummy the nice food that she is craving. Yessssssss... that will do! THAT'S THE TICKET!

 

I have been mean I guess but at the moment I won't admit it.

 

D left this morning to work away. Obviously I couldn't believe how he could even leave me whilst pregnant and emotional and with a 1 year old held around my leg but, I gave him a piece about that, irrational I know when I look back at it but at the time I was in mortal danger and I felt like the pregnant woman in 'Gone With The Wind' as if he had abandoned me to a rickety carriage in the rain during a civil war. A civil war is going on inside my head right now. Whether to be civil or not. That's the war. And it's not gone with the wind, it's gone with the sanity. Gone with it all. Nothing left.

 

When he was leaving, he dared asked me to go fetch the laptop because "I already have my shoes tied." I could've killed him. How dare he. While I struggle to dress my little wriggler up here he wants me to trudge 3 flights of stairs so I can deliver this thing he needs. I felt like saying, "UNTIE YOUR SHOES GET IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY B*****D!" But instead I just got it like a huffy teenager and said to him, "Just GO."

 

And that's how horribly we have left things. And no phone call. He hasn't even tried to text me or ring me to make up. I hardly want it anyway.

 

So angry, so moody, so tired.

 

Rant rant raaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt.

 

But the suns out so there's ya optimism Mr D.

 

Lo x

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THAT'S THE TICKET!

 

Omg, I haven't heard that in years..lol, that brought me a smile.

 

I remember the days of hormones gone wild during pregnancy. It won't be like this forever. You also will have bad days, but good days too.

 

Hang in there. Virtual hugs sent.

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Omg, I haven't heard that in years..lol, that brought me a smile.

 

I remember the days of hormones gone wild during pregnancy. It won't be like this forever. You also will have bad days, but good days too.

 

Hang in there. Virtual hugs sent.

 

Hi Sherry!

 

HA! My thoughts exactly at the time! Maybe I am just old-fashioned!

 

How did you cope with your crazy moods? I can't remember it being this bad last time but I remember feeling much more angry first time around for some bizarre reason. I think it's like the mother goose around the chicks, she's furious if you get anywhere near, very protective... that's how I feel when pregnant!

 

Thanks for the virtual hug, means a lot and very sweet!

 

I should be napping now but I'm not so how can I have a valid complaint about being tired anymore! Nooooo!

 

Lo x

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Anyone just want to opt out of modern life, or is it just me?

 

Again, maybe this is hormones exaggerating my general feelings on this but for example, I always follow a few people on instagram and it's really starting to get on my wick now.

 

All the feeds the same, attention seeking, self loving (to the extreme), self obsessed, self promoting... lying? It's more like, fake-a-gram. I don't buy it, I don't believe it, I won't have it. I give up with it all.

 

I gave up with facebook awhile back, I think about 8 months back or more. Excellent. One of the best things I did last year. Completely refreshing. Anyone I really care for or like to speak too, I just do it in real life now. Y'know, that crazy thing, called real life? REAL LIFE PEOPLE! Where has it gone? Where has real life gooooone?! Real interactions, real emotions, not stupid fake ones plastered on a feed like you're some celebrity, everyones got a following. It's painful! I can't put my finger on it but it really doesn't sit right with me and I don't want to have any part of it, even though I have no instagram myself, I feel by simply dedicating some of my time to soullessly browse these things I am part of the piece that keeps the wheel turning.

 

Nearly all my friends have now met their significant others though online dating sites. Is it just me, or does it have a kind of, sad undertone? Where are the stories? Where is the history of your story?

 

By that I mean, when I asked my Mum and Dad how they met when I was 8, they told me of how the club was and what my Mum was wearing and how he saw her and what colour her nails were and how my Dad's brother tried to dance with her first and it goes on. Now what, what is the modern day version now? "Mum, Dad, how did you meet?" "Well darling, Mummy was on this website where you advertise yourself for a date and she liked the look of your Dad's profile, he had something witty on there and then we met up for coffee." It's not the same. The magic has gone for me.

 

Okay, love is love I get that, does it really matter how you meet, as long as you meet, the off side protest. I get it, I get where you're coming from. But we're still animals, and when you see someone, when you meet them, there's something chemical going on there, subconsciously, we don't even know that much about it, but it's going on. And when you are flicking through a website to order up your next live in boyfriend, that chemical exchange, those small physical body messages, everything that goes into the first meeting, it's gone. You're deciding through a screen, and how they wish to present themselves to you, not how you see them there and then in that very moment.

 

Might get a bit of backlash for this but, I am a romantic by heart and this brave new world of video games and internet dating and swipe contactless whatever is alien to my parchment musky little soul.

 

Lo x

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A Scene From 'Gone With The Wind'

 

Scarlette O'Hara has recently given birth to a baby girl. She clings onto an ornate bedpost in an ostentatiously luxurious chamber to have Mammy, her servant from childhood, tug at her corset. Mammy obediently takes the tape measure and wraps it around her waist, whilst Scarlett looks dramatically and pensively on.

 

Mammy shakes her head. "20 inches"

 

Scarlett - childishly dramatic, "Why no Mammy! This won't do!"

 

"You ain't never gonna be no eighteen-and-a-half inches again! You've had a baby Miss Scarlett!"

 

THIS RIGHT HERE.

 

This describes me now, described me last month, described me 8 months ago. And I never thought it would happen. We all never do.

 

If you have ever been slim, a naturally skinny girl, and not had to work that hard for your figure, or even worse, been admired for your figure as one of the main elements of what is admirable about you to most, then childbirth and having a baby will be a cruel awakening.

 

Some seem to by-pass this sinking realisation but, I doubt many do. I am still working out how to achieve this.

 

I guess it is something, a small price to pay, for the beautiful little life you have created.

 

I feel like, in almost all films, the main character sometimes goes from this destitute time with no hope, but they are somewhat happy and have it mentally together, to then get everything they wished for, and be lavished with comforts and money, and they get fat and conceited and lose their friends and they feel more alone than ever. This is exactly how I felt my life was turning out a few months ago. I know it sounds obnoxious to say that, but it was like I was looking in at a screen of myself, surrounded by all the beautiful things I ever wanted, marriage, children, the house, the car and, it just didn't add up in my minds eye to what I thought it would, my expectation of how I would feel, how happy I would be about it all, paled in comparison with reality.

 

Curvier than ever, or should I say, feeling slightly bloated and chunky and just simply indulging all the time in every comfort I can get, I just felt like... I guess like the scene above. But, without the Mammy. I kinda wish I had Mammy from the film, she always served Scarlett up some good, hot honesty. Sometimes I think I need a serving of honestly just like the rest, but I isolate myself sometimes here with my baby boy and even though things are good, I do need to make some changes.

 

Money doesn't make you happy.

 

Oscar Wilde once said,

 

"There are only two great tragedies in life. One, not getting what you want, and the other, getting it."

 

I read that when I was 14, loved it, but never understood it. Now I feel like I get it. It's a fairly big price for that knowledge I supposed.

 

Please don't get me wrong, this isn't a desolate and negative post, just full of self realisation. I feel like again, once again, I am at some crossroad in my life. I can keep on going and maybe make a horrible time for myself, or I can decide to make some changes and find fulfilment elsewhere in different things.

 

Mostly, I just need to be grateful for all the fantastic things and people I have in my life, and all the love I am surrounded by.

 

None of the material things matter. I have always been a very, very materialistic girl, I doubt that will ever change much but, it's really not as important as I thought it was.

 

Not at all!

 

Lo x

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  • 4 weeks later...

It is an extremely weird and scary time to be a free thinker in the UK at the moment.

 

Anyone from outside our grey island might think I am being insane and dramatic but, honestly, unless you are in this, it really is shocking and must be experienced for yourself.

 

If you are not a complete, utter liberal, if you think anything beside the "correct and righteous" narrative the mainstream media and every other apparently "polite" members of society think, you are not only ghosted and completely shut out of all your previous friendship groups, but people make up stories about you, complain to your boss to get you fired, social media bans you (this is true! JUST for a comment, completely free speech, my husband has experience of this personally).

 

If you think immigration should be controlled, if you dare to criticise the "peaceful" religion of Islam (by the way, prepare for death threats to your family and having your windows put through at the very least). If you even hint there may be pit falls and pot holes in the third way feminist modernist ideals of the way women should now live and balance love, life and family. If you believe the Government should spend their money wisely and NOT spend money they don't have, if you believe people should help themselves and the endless array of benefits paid for by us, the taxpayers with no say in this at all, should be reduced and massively cut. If you don't believe every single homeless person out their begging on the street is just a poor, misfortunate ensian squire who was kicked out of the orphanage for asking for more porridge and they struggle helping old ladies cross the street between humbly asking for simply, just please Sir, could you spare some change for me to help a dying puppy I have found this evening, and actually most of them are drug dependent, heinous criminals who receive housing and benefits from you, the taxpayer but dare to ask for more and then go and commit drug fuelled crimes in your area. If you don't think being fat is fantastic, if you believe you should be able to say what you want, when you want, even if, GASP, it may offend someone! Shock horror! Then, my friend, prepare for a different kind of life that resembles a social leper.

 

The ironic thing is, the so called "liberal and righteous" side don't care about offending me. They don't care if I think supporting and enabling Islamic terrorists to come into our country and continue to form child grooming gangs completely disproportionate in numbers to the indigenous population is highly, grossly offensive, especially since becoming a mother myself. No, they say, you racist! You bigot! When, sorry to burst your bubble, but Islam is a religion, not a race, therefore you cannot be racist criticising a religion, as desperately as they want you to be racist, but they won't listen to that or facts either, they just want to be right and righteous and they go around spouting off the popular opinion without thinking for themselves.

 

You get outcasted.

 

But worse, Americans may not be aware of what is truly scary in this country now, but someone who speaks out against Islam, a man who is more than a hero, who receives death threats and acts threats to his wife and children daily for merely criticising their practices, was jailed unlawfully in this country and nearly killed in prison, and for speaking out and revealing our BBC to be a shambles and crock that it is, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter have banned him, the reason? For "infighting hatred". I'm sorry, but it is completely normal and sane to hate a religion where in 11 of their countries this awful thing is practices it will get you the death penalty to be gay. His website has been shut down. There has been a complete media black out on the man. You cannot search hardly anything. It is like 1984. I'm serious.

 

I see this whole thing unravelling and it's worse than I ever first guessed, the deeper you look into it. The Government is involved.

 

In America, you have your first amendment - well here, anything resembling free speech has hit the deck. This shut down of anyone saying anything that the media and mainstream do not agree with is infiltrating schools, work places, and even your private home.

 

I watched Waking Life a long, long time ago, and I remember seeing a piece where Alex Jones speaks in a car through a megaphone. I always adored what he had to say, not for the truth of it, but for the optimism of it, even through the bleakness of the reality and facts. It never hit me how truly right he was until now.

 

"You can't fight city hall." "Death and taxes." "Don't talk about politics or religion." This is all the equivalent of enemy propaganda, rolling across the picket line. "Lay down, GI! Lay down, GI!". We saw it all through the 20th Century. And now on the 21st Century, it's time to stand up and realize, that we should NOT allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat maze. We should not SUBMIT to dehumanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world.

 

I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control. Those that control my life, and those that seek to control it EVEN MORE! I want FREEDOM! That's what I want, and that's what YOU should want! It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose of just some of the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that is the central mode of control, make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty, our liberty, our destiny. We have GOT to realize we're being conditioned on a mass scale. Start challenging this corporate slave state! The 21st Century's gonna be a new century! Not the century of slavery, not the century of lies and issues of no significance, of classism and statism, and all the rest of the modes of control... it's gonna be the age of humankind, standing up for something PURE and something RIGHT! What a bunch of garbage, liberal, Democratic, conservative, Republican, it's all there to control you, two sides of the same coin! Two management teams, bidding for control of the CEO job of Slavery Incorporated! The TRUTH is out there in front of you, but they lay out this buffet of LIES! I'm SICK of it, and I'M NOT GONNA TAKE A BITE OUT OF IT! DO YA GOT ME? Resistance is NOT futile, we're gonna win this thing, humankind is too good, WE'RE NOT A BUNCH OF UNDERACHIEVERS, WE'RE GONNA STAND UP, AND WE'RE GONNA BE HUMAN BEINGS! WE'RE GONNA GET FIRED UP ABOUT THE REAL THINGS, THE THINGS THAT MATTER - CREATIVITY, AND THE *DYNAMIC* *HUMAN* *SPIRIT* THAT REFUSES TO *SUBMIT*! WELL THAT'S IT, that's all I've got to say. It's in your court now.

 

'The fascists of the future will call themselves anti-fascists’ - Sir Winston Churchill

 

Lo x

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I have been thinking a lot more than usual lately on the matter of friends and friendship and, I've never had a true friend until I met my husband.

 

With all the intentions of sociability when I was first pregnant, I set out to meet other to be Mums in my area and to really make an effort unlike usual, to step in there and put myself out there.

 

What I always find is, people initially really, really like me. I think they think, who is this? This is not the usual. And, I think in most peoples lives, things are mostly the same. They meet the same type of people from the same type of circles and I am not being braggadocious in anyway but, I think on meeting me, I put a little glitch in the normality of their lives.

 

It's not just the way I look or think or talk, my lifestyle is very unusual and our home is very unusual and the way we do things is kinda kooky and I think people are intrigued, at the least, at the start. Some people are put off by this completely. To them I say, each to their own and have a nice day, I wish you the very best. But some people are bored and want a bit of excitement and well, my conversations aren't always about the weather, let me tell you that, so some people respond to that and think it's all very glamorous and different.

 

But when they get into it and maybe start realising who I am, what I'm like, how much I'm nothing like them... they do this thing where I can almost see them taking slow steps back until they're gone, and they disappear, on purpose, and they probably say "Phew, thank God" to themselves. Again, to them I say, each to their own, salute.

 

But some people dip one toe in and one toe out, and they can't seem to decide what they want to do. They enjoy aspects of me and might even like parts of me but can't seem to get away with the rest. And THOSE are the people who I end up resenting. Not mostly them, but, they make me resent myself, because I allow them to hang on, because in some parts, I guess an aspect of me is longing for a true female friendship, but other parts think practically and go well, it's nice to have someone to have a play date with locally, might as well stick it out some. And I resent that because I'm lying to myself and them and it gets me in knots.

 

I'm doing it now and I just feel like calling the whole thing off. I initially met a new mum, exactly the same aged babies by only 3 days, both boys and initially, she was completely hot for me. She adored me! Poured me with compliments, called me "therapeutic" to be around, this and that, couldn't gush enough about our family home, my husbands work ethic, our general attitudes, she was my number one fan. For awhile. And she invited me over, let me into her house. We had a lovely rainy afternoon of coffee and talks but I realised as honest and open I was being with her, she was still very guarded. She would talk as if life was perfection, and I could just tell, really tell, she was lying to me, and she was doing it I think because she thought MY life was perfection, and she wanted to be up to standard. Well, no ones life is perfection. And I let her know in all the comments and subtle ways and jokes and laughs about my blips and downfalls and, y'know, I don't take myself seriously, that's really one of my favourite qualities about myself.

 

But she keep getting further and further away. And then things seemed to turn into a competition. And then, every time she would come to our house she would say things like, "Ohh, every time I come here, we come here for a bit of culture don't we son" and "Ohh, we come here to gather a shopping list, I think I need one of those too" or she'd enter and say, "What have you got that's new here then?! Must be something! Always is!" And I felt all the possibility of a genuine friendship draining away as she glanced manically around the house and demanded tours and to see rooms and, well, I can't put my finger on it but she never invited me around hers anymore. And no more simply, cosy coffee between us two in her snug, with our boys simply playing. It was as if a piece of clingfilm had been pulled over her and nothing was allowed in.

 

Now it's pleasantries and I can't stand it.

 

What do you do? I could tell her how I really feel but, how I really feel is probably quite a shock to her and I don't want to hurt the girls feelings. I think she struggles, just like anyone else but, I don't know. I don't want to add to any personality complex I think she harbours. She openly told me she deals with some issues to do with insecurities at work and, she works with children. I don't know. I just don't care about the things she cares about. I would like to think she would realise after talking to me for a year solid that I'm not that type of girl.

 

Another one bites the dust.

 

I am starting to think a true connection of real, loving friendship is as rare as finding your soul mate. I already have found one so I should count myself lucky.

 

I don't understand women. Now I really do feel for men.

 

Lo x

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I guess today was the nail in the coffin of the windbag situation that is me and female friendships.

 

Miss 'I'll Use Your House Like It's The Shopping Chanel Tour' had arranged to meet me at a local cafe today.

 

Alright, I thought I need to give this thing another chance. Everyone tells you, it's good to have other Mum friends, you need them, it's healthy to have female friends, you NEED them, what if everything else fails? Marriage, work, career, life... all the romantic comedies, all the novels, they tell you, they drum it into us women since childhood, a woman needs a good solid bunch of girlfriends around her to pick her up from these mishaps of life. Or so we're told. I'm starting to not buy into the Hollywood agenda. That's what I feel it is. I feel like everyone tells you this just because that's all everyone is ever told and no one ever questions it or has tried to do things otherwise. I'm starting to think it's all more hassle than it's worth.

 

I am not feeling the deep camaraderie they told me I'd feel. I have no "support network" of women. I only have women in my family. And even them, suspect. I support my younger sister emotionally, my mother is as much use in a crisis as a hyperventilating squirrel and the other Aunts and sisters of women are always at each others throats - a fine example of the so called "blood is thicker than water" and "robust, healthy female companionship".

 

Lord. My mistake, I am a ditz, a complete ditz, and anyone who even knows me as an acquaintance will tell you that. People even go as far to ask, how do I even get through daily life? Yes, I've had that put to me, only in a half joke. It's true. I would forget my head if it wasn't on already, so on reading her text this morning to confirm our baby coffee date and then library I mistook her "see you 12ish" for "see you 12:30" - I don't know why! Baby brain or usual ditz head I don't know. Anyway, I had 12:30 in my head all day. I pre-packed his bag, got myself organised. I was actually, weirdly, really looking forward to seeing another adult, and especially checking out the new library in town that had a very cute children's section I had heard. And, I love libraries.

 

Also, D had been away for a few days and I always miss him so badly. I was feeling slightly down without him and even the thought of a proper cappuccino was making me very giddy and excited like a school girl. I left the house at 12:10 knowing I could swing by the doctors, pick up my sons prescription and be there by 12:20 no problem, nice and early.

 

I got a text just as we slipped out the front door. "Hey you two, we're here now, how're you getting on?" I was just picking up his prescription and knew I could be there in 10 minutes, 15 max - but I had sworn it was 12:30! I quickly looked back through the texts between us and released she'd said "12ish". I hate "ish", what does that mean anyway? Anywhere between 11:45 and 12:45? I don't know! A solid time would do, I need things clear and crisp, my mind is too muddled! I text her back straight away, apologise for the mix up and say I'm on my way I'll be there in 10. I get a text back straight away, her baby needs feeding he's getting grumpy. I text back and say no worries just start we'll be there before you've ordered and set up the highchair. In this time I'm power walking in the wind to the cafe and library like a mad woman and I get there 12:20. I bust in and I frantically sweep the cafe with the old eye balls. Nothing, no sign. I check my phone. Another text. "Can we take a rain check on today, he's not feeling well and he needs feeding".

 

I instantly feel furious! I can't put my finger on why. I feel slighted. I know. I know! It's no big deal. These things happen. It was technically all my fault. But, it just felt... cold? She'd just left knowing I was rushing over. And then it made me think back to her texts early the same day. It was as if she didn't really want to meet up anyway and she was desperate for an excuse to cancel. She had text me a couple of hours before the date and said, "Baby is feeling grizzly and has a cold. We can call it a day if you don't want me to pass it into your son" and I replied, "Absolutely no probs at all, he hasn't had a good cold for a month so he's probably due one! See you there!" And she had said okay. But, looking back?

 

I always got this feeling about her. As if she really didn't want to do anything with me. It's alright if it's completely, utterly at her convenience or as I honestly feel, at her advantage to use me in some way. Bored, my house is a good base for awhile so she'll come round if I offer type thing but, ah, I don't know.

 

I called D straight away and he said well, you are bad with your time. I know this. I am. I am mostly always late but ohhhhhh irrrooonically I have tried so hard since becoming a Mum to work on this really annoying trait and I have and I had never been late for this girl before! YES! A perfect track record!

 

Maybe I should just trust what my heart is telling me deep down. These people aren't true friends, they don't want to be my friend, they are not "friend soulmates" and they don't care about me on even maybe a semi-basic level, let alone a deep level a true friend should. Okay, I delve too much there, only known her a year but, argh, y'know when ya just... know?

 

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I was in the wrong today.

 

I just don't get it though. Honestly, I'm a complete sweetheart, a total kitten. A push over. I apologised again and said I was just going to stay and have lunch since we were here anyway. No reply. Nothing. Ignored. I just felt like saying f**k you darling! Maybe that's too harsh. I just felt angry! I felt like a little girl again at school. Why can't I have friends? Why does no one seem to like me? No one who is a girl, anyway. Men, I get on great with men. I adore men and they adore me back. They don't play any games, they're straight up. They never talk about other men with you or behind their backs, they don't ask that you're perfect and they don't expect perfection from themselves or a friendship. They take it as it comes and they can have a laugh. Maybe it's the bisexual in me. I'm serious. I am... a feminine tomboy. That is the only way I could describe my personality AND my appearance. Sometimes I feel like my brain is half male, and the half male part is trying to wonder what on earth you do with female friendship, the catty, gossipy part and then, the other half of my brain is full of lipstick and ditz and dashing around like oops is that the time hee hee hee silly girlie me!

 

My so called best friend, our very last conversation before I sent her my bridesmaid dress back, she out right let it slip that her and her other fair weather newbie friends had all been talking about me, discussing me, dissing me to the best of their ability! Ohh ho ho ho! They all had known I would fail! Silly best friend for giving me the time of day! And it was always all my fault, of course, because, these people are always perfect - OF COURSE.

 

And then y'know, you feel like because they do this that you must be some kind of "toxic friend" or something. So I went through a phase of looking it up. Stupid. And one of these things said a friend should always make you feel great after you've spent time with them. Well, sorry, but I disagree. Some people are a mess no matter who comforts them or tells them what they want to hear. That's all I ever did with my so called best friend. I never gave her any truths because she was so on edge constantly, her ego so fragile, that all I stupidly ever did was agree with her and try and "enlighten" and entertain her and she STILL felt bad I imagine after seeing me. So does she go away thinking, "Oh yes, I got rid of THAT toxic friend because those websites say that is definitely a sign!" Well sorry, princesses of the world! People aren't here to fluff your mental pillows! I want someone to be honest with. I want to talk, properly, have a proper conversation. If that's hard things, it's hard. If it's nice things, it's nice. I want us to roll with how we really feel. I don't want you to care about "brightening my day!", I should be able to do that for myself. Why does todays society make everyone need emotional crutches? Why do we have to constantly prop other people up? Or downplay ourselves so that they may feel better? SOD IT. Alright, alright. Rant over. I am going against the general consensus there of female friendship. Maybe that's why no one likes me.

 

Back to it though. The cappuccino was beautiful. God damn sweet, bitter thing. First coffee in mooooooonnnnths. It was worth the little drama and power walk through town while the wind whipped my sons blonde curls into a frenzy. Then I thought, might as well still hit the library, minus faux friend or not. And, the feeling I get, I forgot all about it. I haven't been in a library for, years. A small tragedy on my part. I forgot how much I missed the atmosphere until I was back there.

 

Even the way the light falls through those huge, elongated windows is different in a library. The smell of books upon books, the endless shelves, stacked with possibility, stacked with maybe one, two, or even more, secret books that can speak to me and touch my heart and comfort me for a lifetime. It was like coming home.

 

I felt a lump develop in my throat. I felt so lonely yet surrounded by friends all at once. The friends are my books. And again, a lost memory but, whenever I have felt bad in life, drifting, lost - those times where you just can't quite figure out how you feel but something is off, you need something... I have always found myself drawn to the nearest library. In that stupid moment full of stupid insignificance and no proper hurt at all compared to the real torments of life, I felt a huge wave of sadness and relief all at the same time. I love to read. So much. I love words. They have been my constant companion. Ever since being a child, if there was ever a time or moment I was scared or hurt or sad, I would focus in on words. How could I have forgot? All this time. Wrapped up in the other aspects of life.

 

I remember being told off badly by a teacher - not any teacher, but the head mistress. I had been slighted, HA(!), again. Poor victim! A girl in junior school, I was probably 6 - she had entered the year from somewhere else. Alex Madrell. Pretty, petite thing with mousey brown hair down to her skinny bum. Little ring leader. She was pure evil. And she took an instant dislike to me, even though I never said a peep to her or did anything to her at all. She was always telling me how ugly my red hair was, how red my cheeks were, how no one liked me, how I should shut up! I loved that one! Not a word and I should be still, more quiet! She was a grade A b***h. I knew it back then and I would know it now. She lived to get me into trouble as well.

 

One lunch, we would line up to get a tray and then shuffle along to check out what food they had on offer and tell the nice and very sweet dinner ladies what we'd like, one of those, some of that, please, thank you. Somehow she had arranged to be standing in front of me in the queue. I stood there kind of terrified in silence. I hated this girl with a passion. Now, I can't even remember what she started saying to me, I guess it was a blur in my mind but all I know is I felt so beyond powerless to defend myself, I think it boiled over inside me and pathetically, ridiculously, I turned to her and blew a raspberry. Yes. The mind of a 6 year old me. Take that.

 

And you know what she did? The look on her impish face! The b*****d! She instantly tugged on the arm of the worst dinner nanny there ever lived, a horrible, spiteful, man hating rake thin grey haired stern Mrs Petty and she said, "MRS PETTY! LOLA JUST SPAT IN MY FACE!" Little actress here was looking close to tears all with a smirk just for me. Oh God. Well, a raspberry and spitting in someones face are, let me say, totally different. The image is very different. And she God damn knew this. Obviously.

 

Without defence or question, the horrible nanny yanked my arm and roughly torn me through the crowds of staring children, through the double doors and plonked me straight on a chair outside the heads office. Somewhere I had only been a few times, and only for praise, because I was excelling, or so they told me. I was so choked up at the injustice I couldn't even get the words out to argue my case or even the strength to tell her it was a lie. And all the while my face was burning and tears ran down my hot cheeks. The only way I could get outside of this horrible 6 year olds situation was, well, I just kind of homed in on the words the head was using. Singled them out and thought about the ones I'd randomly picked as she spouted. "Responsibility". I heard it and thought about it, rolled the word around inside my head while my eyes stared forward and went blank. Responsibility. My Mum and Dad have responsibility. Do I have responsibility? When I am older, I probably will. Maybe that will be in a big job. I wonder what job I'll do. "Disappointed". Another one. Disappointment. That is that feeling, like coming down, like dropping in the pit of your stomach. It hurts you. You're not quite angry but... and then I would focus, blurry eyed, on her tacky, shiny shoes as she paced, her overly tanned stockings, a vein on her leg. And on and on it would go like this until I found myself cancelling out most of the pain. I also found myself sat on a chair at the head of the hall where everyone was eating and not allowed to have any lunch. I don't know if that was on purpose, probably not, but Mrs Petty didn't care to think if I'd had anything to eat and I couldn't speak, the lump was so large in my small throat. I could hear my stomach growling and churning by 2pm. It was a horrible day. I came home devastated and cried to my parents. But I always used to focus in on the words.

 

And so I found myself there in this strange comfort, surrounded by the most words anyone could physically wish to see in one room and, I don't know - I just felt at ease again.

 

I have only a few true friends in life. My husband, my son, and books. If that is sad, I'm not sure. I don't feel like it is but, maybe to most it sounds lonely. I am lucky to have one best friend in my husband, some people have none.

 

Today wasn't so bad. She didn't do anything wrong really. Maybe it brought up some past memories, or maybe I was just angry all over again with myself because, I knew deep down this wasn't working. I kept thinking, another one bits the dust.

 

Words, words, words.

 

Lo x

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Today wasn't so bad. She didn't do anything wrong really. Maybe it brought up some past memories, or maybe I was just angry all over again with myself because, I knew deep down this wasn't working. I kept thinking, another one bits the dust.

 

It really could have been nothing. She may have simply not felt up to meeting that day.

 

I don't mean to diminish your feelings, but sometimes painful memories distort current situations.

 

This phenomenon was vividly illustrated for me about 10 years ago (gasp).

 

I tell the following story a lot, actually.

 

In my journal, you may have come across the anecdote about my mom and the Christmas tree. This is not that story, but it is related.

 

When my sister and I were growing up, my mom had a very unpredictable temper and the slightest thing could set her off. Life in that house was like living on a roller coaster. We learned to be ready for disaster at every moment.

 

It became my understanding of basic human interaction: You should know the right thing to do without being told what it is. In fact, 'the right thing to do' will be hidden from you at all times. Bottom line is, you are going to f*ck up and cause problems. Don't bother trying to understand. It is completely unpredictable.

 

I had no other baseline.

 

Fast forward to my early 30s, when I started graduate school. I stayed at my uncle's house for long periods of time, because he lived close to my college. He and my aunt lived a laid back sort of life. Very different from my mom's modus operandi. I figured it was only a matter of time before someone's underlying anger bubbled to the surface. I had my aunt pegged for the insane one.

 

But she wasn't insane at all. It took me two years to realize it. The way it happened was, she was setting up the fake, pre-lit Christmas tree. She discovered, in my presence, that the lights on one of the segments didn't work.

 

In my mom's house, this would have triggered an eruption.

 

So, I reacted to my aunt's discovery in the same way I would have reacted in my mom's house: total panic mode.

 

I don't actually remember what my exact reaction was. What I do remember is my aunt looking at me in a faintly disapproving way, like "what is she going on about?", then taking up the scissors and peacefully cutting the defective lights away from the fake branches.

 

Meanwhile, I stood there, heart racing, but thinking. In my childhood home, this would have been the apocalypse. Therefore, in the current setting, how could it be anything but?

 

I slowly understood that this wasn't a disaster scenario. It was just light on a fake tree. I realized that I KNEW it. I'd always known that the drama was just B.S. But it felt so good to see it illustrated for me, by someone else--however inadvertently.

 

Anyway, moral of the story is: based on my past experience I thought the situation was more of a disaster than it actually was. I discovered that my perception was actually very biased. But once I recognized the existence of my bias, it was extremely liberating.

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  • 6 months later...
  • 8 months later...
How are you lolita? It's been a while. Did you give birth? :)

 

Dias!

 

Hello! Oh my God, I kept meaning to write on here but honestly I hardly had any time and when I did, I just ended up not feeling much like it. Lots happened! Will go into it I'm sure if anyone would even care to know ;)

 

I had the cutest baby girl on the 11th September! I can't believe she is 8 months old now. Time is going faaaarrr too fast.

 

Lo x

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I saw this and thought she might have posted! Alas, she did not.

 

Hope you're well, Lolita.

 

Jibralta!

 

I missed you so! I always wondered - what is the meaning or reason for choosing your username? I always thought it was cool and I always wanted to know!

 

And very well thank you darling! How are you through all this madness?

 

Lo x

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I always wondered - what is the meaning or reason for choosing your username? I always thought it was cool and I always wanted to know!

 

No particular meaning or reason, I just liked the sound of the name "Gibraltar" and went with it.

 

I do associate it with the movie, Bram Stoker's Dracula (which should really be called Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula). That movie came out when I was 15, and became one of my favorite movies for a long time.

 

Anthony Hopkins narrates intermittently throughout, and there is a part where he states that Dracula's gypsies have sailed around the Rock of Gibraltar... I think that might be where I first heard the name. Or at least it's where I learned that "Gibraltar" referred to a rock in a sea somewhere that had to be reckoned with....

 

At any rate, it stuck in my head and eventually metamorphosized into a name.

 

Coincidentally, my boyfriend suggested we watch Bram Stoker's Dracula the other night. We just wrapped it up last night, actually. It has its share of bad acting and atrocious accents, but overall I still love it to pieces. I still have the whole thing committed to memory.

 

How are you through all this madness?

 

Quite well, actually. Enjoying a peaceful lull between jobs.

 

How is your new baby?

 

My aunt once said, "One is one, two is twenty." Do you find that to be the case?

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  • 7 months later...

A series of "one of those days", those feelings of "me and you against the world, babe" and lots of drives out in the middle of the night has got me back on here feeling compelled to start splurging to myself, anyone, everyone, and nobody until its all out and I can rest for awhile in peace. But I fear that will never happen, and as always, I have too much to say.

And everything has changed on here I see suddenly, oh God, not this as well as the rest of the world. What did someone clever and famous once say... something like, those that survive can adapt or something like that? Well, it looks like I ain't adapting at all, I don't have a f*****g clue what's going on everywhere and anywhere, the only thing I'm sure of is my beautiful family and my husband and everything outside of these very lovely, high walls has gone to s***t and everyone seems to be walking around as calm as Hindu cows while the western economy burns, communism seems to be rolling into the Whitehouse, everyones masked up walking past the house, I can't see anyones smiles anymore, everything closed, I haven't seen some people I know for what feels like almost a year, it could be decades now, my GOD this YEAR, my God LAST YEAR! And the worst thing of all, the worst thing, is I feel like the whole entire universe is out of my control and madness has set in and I don't want "the new normal" but, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

Strike me down, I have never worn a mask throughout this whole thing. I completely disagree with it. Don't listen to me, look it up for yourself how useful they are, just look into how big a virus particle is, you can then do the math, but explanations aside, what has been keeping me feeling human still, still like myself still, I fear is going to now be completely stripped away from me. Talks of Government crack downs on masks and track and trace which I find insanely sinister then teamed with this rushed through vaccine which they now seem hell bent in having absolutely everyone take, not just the old or the at risk.

Once again, all my life, I have felt against the mass, against the s****y narrative or whatever you want to call it, GOD I HATE THAT LAME WORD. But now my feelings of being other and different have just shot into the stratosphere and I've now near gone lost my mind - body and soul. I am starting to think, is this even reality? 

I just feel like saying, where is the real pandemic? Is this the reason why I can't see my near dying 94 year old Grandmother, even though she wants me to go, so desperately, but we now have the virtuous mask viral police aka your aunt who never passed biology let alone read anything on it and now they are all experts and not only that but they have become gastapo style facist police who feel it's their duty to tell you what you can do, who you can see and what you can wear whilst doing it. No thank you. I don't want to live in a dictatorship state where my personal liberty is stripped from myself, my husband and my children.

And I'm pregnant, again. Thats a whole other post and a whole other story, there's just too many thoughts and too little time and my fingers will be ground to bone on these keys and I just can't.

I have absolutely zero friends left. Nada. They weren't friends anyway. But I am now feeling like I am just destined to never have a true friendship and that it is impossible to find someone who has anything even half way in common with me. Some days I feel like, am I such a crazy freak? And then some days I get very angry and I think, they want me to think I'm the freak, but I'm a normal woman, a normal wife, a normal mother - they are the weird ones!!! HECK! Not me! And then I go full circle again. 

I know my flaws, very honestly. My tendency for drama and negativity do their worst on me, oh, I can lay it down on myself quite nicely. What have I got left now in this new crazy, stupid, stifling and claustrophobic world but my family, my husband, music, love... and words. Always want to turn to writing, it's the only thing I can do much confidence and no thought - well, scrap that, not much thought goes into anything too much it seems for me, I am one of those "go with your gut" type people. Damn it, it's like, I just want to be human. I want to talk to people, hug them, I want to argue, to laugh, to cry. I have hot blood pumping through me, I'm alive God dammit and I want the right to be. I feel practically sick, sick to my stomach. 

Even the short leash they give you, I can walk to the park daily with the kids say, oh man, thank you, man, I must be so grateful. I am supposed to praise the dear leader and be thankful and shut up. Oh as always, just shut up ay, how many times have I been given that advice. Why bother, why discuss, why argue, why think... just shut up, just accept. 

I wish, I wish I could, but I can't. And I never will. I know myself too passionately and too strongly and I just can't do it and I don't care if I was the last person on earth with everything stripped from me I would still have these thoughts and this will and I can't just accept and smile. I refuse!

Is there anyone left, anyone who wants to live? Is there anyone who is just a living breathing... God, we are alive, life is risk, can no one die anymore? I could die tomorrow. I have lived, I have been here, I have said what I wanted through thick or thin, I have some regrets, some days I have none, I have loved beyond myself and as passionately, widely and obsessively as ten people could all their lives. I want freedom, and that's what you should want. In the words of Alex Jones. And that's what you should want. 

I know the brigade will be out. And Lord, I wouldn't even be surprised if I were banned. Y'know, the world has got so crazy with censorship, they are tearing anyone down with any shred of alternative opinion. It's beyond scary to me, I have a horrible, slow creeping desperation deep inside me that won't quiet and I don't know what to do.

The home we built over 5 years, our beautiful home, D and me discussed selling it. Might not be the wisest time to buy and sell, God knows what the economy is doing, but through pure luck my husband still has a business and can still feed and support his growing family which I know a whole bunch of people don't seem to give two hoots about, whether people who own their own business crash and burn, it's like, nothing to them, and they always come from a position of security - retired, or they work as a teacher, or in healthcare, it's like, nice position of luxury you have their to demand everything shut down, I wonder if you would be saying that if it was you having a business you had grown from nothing over 14 years, I wonder. Ohhhh how I wonddddeerrrrrrr.

The neck. I'm angry, I'm deflated, I'm defiant, I'm in love with the world and I care too much and people seem to care too little. It's like they have nothing to lose. By locking themselves away, you think they have everything to live for, that's why they have to protect themselves so much, but actually, it's the opposite. They have no real life to live. So it's okay. It makes no difference to them. They aren't really doing anything. I feel like they enjoy it, even. 

Everyones bit the dust apart from my husband and obviously my beautiful children. Having skin in the game makes life mean - phew, it's indescribable. I think the world my children are inheriting, the new ways of thinking, the fake illusion of principles, my childrens children. I just don't know. It used to be just me, I never really mattered that much. Now I have two, going to be three. My babies. This is everything for me. They need other kids, we need human interaction, we're social animals, it'll make us crazy. Maybe that's what they want.

Damn. Put me down as a conspiracy theorist. A few years ago I would've hated that term, now, I'd be kinda flattered by it. 

Send me the slew, because I've already been through it, and I know what I feel pounding here hot in my heart, and I used to scoff at religious conviction, but I find myself on the same team, but instead of conviction of faith, I have conviction for LIFE. I want to LIVE. 

Don't fence me in. 

Been listened to a lot of country music lately. Should've been a cowboy. 
 

When the evening sun goes down
You will find me hanging round
The night life ain't no good life
But it's my life
Many people just like me
Dreaming of old used-to-be's
And the night life ain't no good life
But it's my life
Listen to the blues they're playing
Listen to what the blues are saying
Mine is just another scene
From the world of broken dreams
And the night life ain't no good life
But it's my life
Listen to the blues they're playing
Listen to what the blues are saying
Mine is just another scene
From the world of broken dreams
And the night life ain't no good life
But it's my life

- Ray Price, 'Night Life'


 

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3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Strike me down, I have never worn a mask throughout this whole thing. I completely disagree with it. Don't listen to me, look it up for yourself how useful they are, just look into how big a virus particle is, you can then do the math, but explanations aside, what has been keeping me feeling human still, still like myself still, I fear is going to now be completely stripped away from me. Talks of Government crack downs on masks and track and trace which I find insanely sinister then teamed with this rushed through vaccine which they now seem hell bent in having absolutely everyone take, not just the old or the at risk.

I love your journal!  So honest about the trials and tribulations of motherhood!

 

Ok ... so I worked in virology for awhile, studied it a ton while in that environment so I could understand better what was happening in the research etc.

Masks suck, they just do.  They provide some protection, but you are right that the virus can still go and get through. 

When I worked with ebola and marburg viruses (very deadly and dangerous!) we wore NASA suits from head to toe!  A f*cking mask would never help with those!  Everyone who has a brain knows that.  Masks are about control. Period.  They do help some, but most people would get COVID even with a mask. 

All virologists who are HONEST know this. 

Random people walking around, they're in fear and probably haven't studied or worked with viruses so they honest to God believe the mask will protect them.  

Then there are studies that showed the bacteria in your mask can get into your lungs and cause horrific problems or death that way.  The masks, wearing unclean or used ones, it's actually dangerous.  We know that scientifically.  The population of people wearing them do not know that, or maybe they wonder about it, but hope their mask is still clean enough.

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6 hours ago, mylolita said:

I have absolutely zero friends left. Nada.

You know how I keep my friends? I stay the eff away from them lol 😂😂 

3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

most people would get COVID even with a mask.

  Agreed. I think the whole mask pantomime is weird. 

 

Edited by Jibralta
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