Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

It's midnight and my brain is wired to write but I'm not in the mood.

 

Usually in times like these I would rattle off something about my childhood or run back and forth with any old idea that came into my head whilst just letting my fingers move accross the keyboard in a frenzy whilst I let whatever sprung into the forefront of my mind into this journal.

 

I must say, sometimes the things in life that are most important to me leave me speechless. I have no real words to describe how I feel right now. I'm literally at the crossroads of my life. Or, as Pocahontas would say, at two different rivers (cue the scene with her in the canoe, it's cool, her necklace - I always wanted it).

 

Anyway, this middle of the road thing, this kind of half way house between 20 and 30, is freaking me the hell out so much that I am silent. I am strangely calm about this whole thing, whilst not being calm at all. I seem unaffected, but I know I am.

 

I'm gabbing, truly, I'm sorry about this. It's late, I'm so tired, and D's coming out of the shower soon. I'm clinging onto the last minutes of some stupid idea that tomorrow I will be leaving youth and sweet things behind to wake up to responsibility and all the draining and tying things I see people down trodden with in life.

 

You know, I have hardly ever met a happy adult. It's strange. Adults are so pessimistic. They seem to loose the wanderlust and imagination a child has. All creativity is traded in for realism. Get real. It's time to get real, thats what adults like to say.

 

I still feel like that little girl looking out of the nursery window, and I don't think that makes me childish. When the clock strikes five I'm still running away from one institution or another.

 

God, what a load of drivel. I'm tired and there's no excuse. I'm monologuing back to my childhood like I said I wouldn't. Typical.

 

'Life can be cruel if you're a dreamer'.

 

Oh, and turning 25 tomorrow as well. Ha.

 

Lo x

[itsallgrand]

Happy Birthday lady. !

[Fudgie]

I turned 25 this year as well. Age is truly just a number. I know that is a cliche but it's true. The reason why we get all nervous about ages is because we have this arbitrary standard set in our minds of "what we're supposed to do by age x" and "what will happen at age x". It's silly.

 

Heck, I'm 25 and I still have toys that I play with. It keeps me feeling young and I enjoy it. I sometimes draw for no reason at all. I still loved high quality stuffed animals and I have them in my room at my family's house. I also love Renaissance figurines and like to rotate their positions and make it look like they are fighting or going on an adventure.

 

These activities bring me a lot of joy and calmness and no one can tell not to do them because of age. I always will. I think one of the mean appeals of having kids is because parents get an "excuse" to play again. Me, I don't need an excuse. I am 25, dammit. I can play with toys or go out and drink! Options! As we get older and work towards our goals, our options expand, they don't shrink. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do a certain activity like playing or fanciful things because you are older. That is crap. People who hole themselves up like that and deprive themselves will be bitter and die young. My same-age ex put me down for liking certain things and told me that it was a sign of mental illness. He is the sick one not me.

 

25, quarter of a century. No crisis, just another stop on the way of life, no way to go back, only to look ahead. Life is cumulative and I feel better now than I have in a long time. I recently had to train a girl who is 21/22 and let me tell you, I'd never go back to that age. She is so limited in her experience and insight and knowledge.

 

I want to be someone who is seasoned and made better by age, not someone who cracks and becomes bitter.

[faraday]

Hope you had an awesome birthday

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[mylolita]

itsallgrand & faraday - thank you for the Happy Birthday! Really sweet!

[mylolita]

Hey Fudgie,

 

Good point - bitter is definitely an unattractive quality plus it puts real wrinkes on your face - ha!

 

I'm recently finding a kind of silent comfort in getting older. I was at mine and D's favourite restaurant and we were sat down in a section where the tables are really close together. I could overhear these younger kids (kids... kids??!) who looked about 16 - 17 chatting away and ing and gossiping. I looked at their kind of young fashion... ripped jeans and band t-shirts and even though I still wear ripped jeans in the summer (I'm cool like that, obviously), I just realised that I don't care about my appearance quite as much as I used too. Only a teenager can be truly obsessed with their appearance in that unique, teenage way. Part of me will always miss it, but the attention to fashion and all the trends is something I still watch but I don't feel like I have to follow anymore. I don't feel the need to stand out and wear vintage clothes like I used too, in order to be part of a niche or a "type" in school. Now I go out in a cream slouch jumper and a pair of jeans and I'm okay with that and I guess thats my way of maturing up a bit, stupid as it sounds.

 

I know where you're coming from on the toy front. There are these dolls out at the moment, something like Scream High School or Terror High School, something like that, and they look like Bratz dolls but they're vampires or half animals or zombies all in fish net tights and ty clothing. I love them! DYING to collect them, secretly because I wish they'd been out when I was 10.

 

x

[mylolita]

Merry Belated Christmas!

 

I hope everyone had a good one. I was just the most spoilt-estttttt girl in the whole wide world because D only went and bought me a CAR!

 

I'll rewind a smidge and say my festivities and flurry of gifts started on my Birthday (18th December), where I had a huge red velvet cake (one of my favourites!) and a gorgeous bunch of winter flowers from work. My best friend Z dropped round and so generously gave me a beautiful two tone grey and white purse with a laaavely gold clasp and some tea lights in the shape of multi-coloured flowers. She so does know how I love a good candle!

 

D took me shopping on the night and let me have a mooch around the larger shops. I went into Top Shop which I haven't been in for maybe half a year since all my shopping is the impulsive online type, and instantly this beautiful and very classy powder blue jumpsuit caught my eye. I tried it on, got a compliment from a very cute stranger and that sealed the deal (plus, D said my ass looked good in it so, it was kind of a gift for him as well right?).

 

More candles, chocolates and a glamorous pair of dark purple chino's from my sister and that completed a very spoilt Birthday, all made extra delightful by the fact Christmas decorations shone everywhere.

 

Me and D don't really push the boat out when it comes to each other and Christmas, although he has gone and said don't spend more than £50 on me and then sprung some truly amazing presents on me, the naughty boy! But this year I was greeted by a tiny package wrapped really badly by my darling husband which turned out to be keys to a FIAT 500 LOUNGE!!! With a glass sun roof and cream leather interior! OH BABY!

 

No more lifts to work, lots more freedom. Only glitch is I passed my test 4 years ago and never drove because I never got a car. So... I'm kind of rusty. D's been out with me all week and I've been trying to get as much driving in with him before I'm left to journey it alone for the route to work on Monday the 5th January.

 

I cannot tell you how lucky I am! Yay yay yay!!! So I drive us all the way to London tomorrow to start our New Years Eve trip off which is a huge journey but, hopefully everything will be fine. It's truly a pleasure to own and drive. I'm pretty bowled over.

 

In between Christmas and now I got the flu which wasn't very fun and I'm still at the tail end of it which is typical - you're off work then you get sick - but I guess I've had a day or two just monging out in front of the tv which is a massive luxury I never indulge in. Anyone who knows me will say I never just sit for hours and watch TV on the couch, but I did (minus nipping to the kitchen to make hot lemon and put the washing machine on, etc) but really, it was pretty still and lounge lizard like for me. I felt like a little kid off school again, minus the ice lollies my mum used to make for my sore throat.

 

This is really a touch base for myself and a 'get back into writing' post because with Christmas and seeing so much family I feel like I've hardly had time to just chill and think about writing a few thoughts down.

 

I'm feeling like this is a factual post and it's definitely not my style but, I've got to pack a weekend bag and I'm feeling grotty so I can't be bothered with a flurry of descriptions on how I really feel with some flash backs for good measure. I'm fine and things are well.

 

I will say, after my Christmas diet of sausage rolls, chocolate, crisps, chocolate and more chocolate, my stomach is saying no. I dare not weigh myself but I know I've put on a few pounds which isn't nice for my waist line and also isn't nice for my nude modelling which will be starting again and soon. I'm in a hurry to start eating better. Tried yesterday and today and the end conclusion was, I did okay, not perfect or really well, but okay. Ate pretty healthy. Just need to get back to the gym.

 

Although I love winter and Christmas, part of me is really looking forward to the summer now.

 

Gonna hit the hay soon and turn off all the fairy lights.

 

Night,

 

Lo x

[faraday]

What an awesome surprise Good husband, he can stay

 

Enjoy your new wheels. Cars make life so much easier.

[mylolita]

What an awesome surprise Good husband, he can stay

 

Enjoy your new wheels. Cars make life so much easier.

 

I know right!

 

Thanks Faraday - he's a real keeper!

 

x

[mylolita]

Trying to shake this head cold before I start work again on Monday. Dreading Monday. Monday, Mondayyyyy.

 

I have a lot to do today and my mental list looks like this:

 

- Practise driving more (for at least an hour, go over my work route with D, etc)

- Go food shopping

- Head into the city for some bits and bobs D's been after

- Change and wash the bed sheets

- Go to the post office

- Write up my notes for work

- Go to the gym with D

 

And it's now nearly 2 and I haven't even got in the shower yet! Oh my god, shock horror. It's taken ages to get all the Christmas decorations down and I kind of like the fresh feel you get after all the rustic trinkets are gone and all your tops are dusted and sparkling. It feels fresh and ready for Spring.

 

My New Years Resolution's are as follows:

 

- Save some money

- Stop stressing out

- Be a good wife

- Be a better person

- Stop obsessively online shopping

- Get more organised

 

Signing off,

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Trying to shake this head cold before I start work again on Monday. Dreading Monday. Monday, Mondayyyyy.

 

I have a lot to do today and my mental list looks like this:

 

- Practise driving more (for at least an hour, go over my work route with D, etc)

- Go food shopping

- Head into the city for some bits and bobs D's been after

- Change and wash the bed sheets

- Go to the post office

- Write up my notes for work

- Go to the gym with D

 

And it's now nearly 2 and I haven't even got in the shower yet! Oh my god, shock horror. It's taken ages to get all the Christmas decorations down and I kind of like the fresh feel you get after all the rustic trinkets are gone and all your tops are dusted and sparkling. It feels fresh and ready for Spring.

 

My New Years Resolution's are as follows:

 

- Save some money

- Stop stressing out

- Be a good wife

- Be a better person

- Stop obsessively online shopping

- Get more organised

 

Signing off,

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Having a bit of a funny mood swing today and I'm not sure if it can be explained away like the usual turn about in attitude.

 

I was watching a corny American drama series today which I've got pretty hooked on (I get obsessed over things that tickle my fancy in a guilty pleasure kind of way) and there was a girl on there who found out she was bipolar. Kind of got me remembering a moment I had a few years ago when I first heard the term. I Googled it and was pretty horrified by what I read because I related to most of the symptoms.

 

When I lived at home my younger sister who I have always had a rocky relationship with once accused me of being bipolar and a narcissist. Truth be told, I will do anything to protect my own ego and sense of self, I admit that to anyone and I think a lot more people need to admit it to themselves, because I recognise what I feel is a very common, very normal human trait in a lot more people who care to acknowledge it. Well, being a narcissist, I think that was too far and looking back, it was said in the heat of anger and I realise it was meant to hurt me and hit me where I lived (which when I was 16 was pretty much on Lola Land), but bipolar?

 

The only other time this was thrown at me or even hinted at was again in the heat of an argument with my longest friend and best friend. We'd never argued and two years ago had a heated blow up via text (how immature, I know). She didn't say the big bad 'B' word, but she did say "I can't stand your moods anymore!" She then went on to say I'm up then at the drop of the hat suddenly I'm down and really negative and hate everything I praised only yesterday. It's weird but it struck a chord with me and the word which was never spoken bubbled into the front of my mind after I read our vicious texts.

 

Did the truth come out only once my sister and best friend were so angry with me they blurted it out?

 

With or without being genuinely bipolar, I am without a doubt an absolute slave to my emotions - but isn't any human? Is me thinking this is normal a sign that it's not and has become normal for me? I can say for certain I have been this way since I can remember, at least when I was very young, say five or six at least.

 

So what makes me tick? Not my heart, thats for sure. My mind ticks and it's erratic. It runs me down and is constantly on a 100mph reel of mad, anxious, happy, horrible, jealous, elated, busy, loving or passionate thoughts. I can't turn it off and it never stops. Sometimes everything seems to slow down and rare calm is upon me. I often want to be alone but this is not the answer as I have found being alone only makes a bad mood even worse... more time to think I guess, less distractions and I become self indulgent, wallowing in self pity. Part of me even glamorises my way of thinking and partially enjoys the idea of being a bit wired. Am I inflated with self importance? Do I think this out of synch way of thinking makes me special? It's stopped me functioning like a normal human being many a time, the absolute worst was when I found myself walking the wrong way down a dual carriageway because I had stormed out of work due to drama caused by myself and my own stupid mind that D no longer loved me and that he was secretly after his ex. I must of looked so psyched out and be-drazzled that a stranger who had drove past me had turned around to meet me on a later road to pull up and ask me if I was okay and needed any help. Crazy territory right there, and it still lurks to only re-surface now on rare occasions when I feel my self control slipping and the smile dropping away. The feeling is horrific but also strangely freeing. I also get this rushing emotion that used to appear whenever I was in one of my 'self-sabotaging' moods. Those were the worst and most damaging, not just to me, but to those I love, especially D.

 

So where am I going with all of this? It's the New Year - a time of reflection? Since I'm all about reflection, I can't STAND New Year, because it puts me into reflection over-drive. Every day is already like New Years day for me! When the actual f*****g day is here, it's like my worst day ever. I'm in fifth gear reflection right now, it's not pretty.

 

How do I manage to hold it altogether if I am really crazy or emotionally unstable and seem to have such a semi-normal and regular existence without medication and therapy? I'm not sure. My only conclusion is that I really don't need all that and I'm actually normal but just a bit highly strung, as D would say, uptight.

 

Ever seen Ferris Bewler's Day Off? I'm Cameron. I'm like a weird mix of Cameron from Ferris Bewler's Day Off, Baby from Dirty Dancing and Monica from Friends (only the OCD clean part, I can't cook for s**t), all mixed in with a stripper past and nudist tendencies. It makes for maybe a little odd personality, yet most people think I'm normal and seem to really like me and get along with me.

 

I'm not going to lie, I have a hard time making friends. I look back and see all the misinterpreted opportunities of extended friendship; people asking me to do things, people asking me out, people inviting me to join certain things, and I instantly presume they're just being polite and really don't want me there. Now I re-visit those moments in my head and realise people were just being nice, and it was I that gave them the snub and then wondered why people eventually stopped asking.

 

I have a high demanding, picky attitude to friendship. It's hard work for me and the person who's my friend. I'm hard on myself and often I'm hard on other people too, not to their faces, but just in the way I think. I feel incompatible with a lot of people and it frustrates me how others seem to so easily hit it off and develop a huge circle of friends that they're cool with. I'm easily irritated even though I never let it show to the average joe or even my friends. A friend can do something and I'll be irritated by it for months and won't forgive the offence for just the same amount of time. It's awful, a major bad habit.

 

How doth one relax and stay chill?!?

 

I sometimes wish I could un-plug my brain. I would charge it up during the night to have peaceful sleep free of nightmares (I have nightmares often, at least a few times a week). I could plug it in all refreshed and lovely for the day and I could rely on it to do it's job and keep everything flowing nicely whilst I kicked back and enjoyed the day instead of seeing 24 hours as a series of challenges for me to overcome.

 

Please, I'm ranting and I'm tired, so tomorrow I know I will regret everything I have typed here in a huge crank and look back at this all and whole heartedly want to take it back because I will realise I was just in a massive funk. I have to keep this all straight though, so right now I am realising this is rubbish and a normal person would probably now delete this whole passage after coming to the slow realisation they are ranting, but I'm just going to press enter and leave you with a line from a song I don't like but I particularly like the line Y'ALL:

 

Mad cos I'm so fresh fresher than you fresher than you

 

x

[mylolita]

My New Year mantra:

 

Thou shalt not online shop, thou shalt not online shop, thou shalt not online shop (even if there is a damn good sale) thou shalt not online shop.

[faraday]

My New Year mantra:

 

Thou shalt not online shop, thou shalt not online shop, thou shalt not online shop (even if there is a damn good sale) thou shalt not online shop.

 

Ahahahahaha I KNOW about this!!! Lol

 

It's a good resolution...but not one that's likely to be kept

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[mylolita]

Ahahahahaha I KNOW about this!!! Lol

 

It's a good resolution...but not one that's likely to be kept

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

Faraday... you know me too well!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Maybe I should have saved those left over dreams

Funny, but here's that rainy day

Here's that rainy day they told me about

And I laughed at the thought that it might turn out this way

 

Where is that worn out wish that I threw aside?

After it brought my lover near

It's funny how love becomes a cold rainy day

Funny, that rainy day is here

 

Funny how love becomes a cold rainy day

Funny, that rainy day is here

 

- Nancy Wilson

[mylolita]

I've been down and

I'm wondering why

These little black clouds

Keep walking around

With me

With me

 

It wastes time

And I'd rather be high

Think I'll walk me outside

And buy a rainbow smile

But be free

They're all free

 

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

 

I look around at a beautiful life

Been the upperside of down

Been the inside of out

But we breathe

We breathe

 

I wanna breeze and an open mind

I wanna swim in the ocean

Wanna take my time for me

All me

 

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

 

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

 

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

 

- Stereophonics, 'Maybe Tomorrow'

[mylolita]

One of my favourite songs lyrically and just for it's gorgeous sonic beauty is Nat King Cole's 'Nature Boy'. So, without further delay, here you go:

 

There was a boy

A very strange enchanted boy

They say he wandered very far

Very far, over land and sea

 

A little shy and sad of eye

But very wise was he

 

And then one day, a magic day

He passed my way, and while we spoke

Of many things, fools and kings

This he said to me

 

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love and be loved in return"

[mylolita]

I miss D.

 

He's been away for two nights and I always get down when he's away. Okay yeah I know, bring on the judgement, my husband obviously is my only source of happiness and I die without him... well, it's kind of true, I do. Maybe I am obsessive, possessive, crazy... maybe I'm just head over heels in love, but I do know when he's away, I don't feel whole and I don't think thats a bad thing. As Moschic's atmospheric song is titled - 'My Life Is For You' which, it is. It really is.

 

I would never admit it to D's face, it's unspoken between us, but I live for him. Coming home from a bad day at the office when nothing's gone right and I'm messing everything up, making stupid mistakes, making clumsy mistakes, making a fool out of myself, I know that no matter what anyone else thinks, when I walk in to him waiting for me at work to pick me up as a surprise, he thinks I'm the smartest, sweetest and most beautiful thing. I look at him and I know without a word that he adores me.

 

Some colleagues at the office were discussing how they don't believe in marriage and how they're not bothered about it. I can only say that when you meet the right person, all you want to do is spend the rest of your life with them - you couldn't think of anything otherwise. It can be no other way. It doesn't exactly mean you need a religious ceremony or even to get officially married but, you want some solid commitment. It only seems obvious to me.

 

Sometimes I feel when I'm in this 9 to 5 haze, I float in my own world separate from everyone and everything else. I'm not really 'there'. I'm distracted. I just want to get home and come home to D and close the door on the rest of the world and the traffic and the expectations and the noise behind me.

 

If I were a poet, I would write a poem. Or if I were a musician, I would write a song. But I have no way of expressing how I feel. I can't quite describe it. I feel like maybe all this journal, all this talk, is a groping to try and find the perfect sentence that just somehow sums it all up, exactly how I want it to be, exactly how I feel it. I've wrote and scribbled thoughts down as a habit since I can remember, but in all my 25 years I still haven't even come close to putting into words how I feel.

 

How can I tell anyone how I love my husband? How can I describe the drugged horror of a nightmare and the brief second of waking that follows when I think it may of been true? How can I put into words the grey staleness that hangs over me when I'm sat on the couch by myself watching TV with no purpose? It's all so unspeakable and indescribable. All I can do is clutch at verbal straws.

 

This all sounds very morbid I know... I guess I'm feeling a little down. I don't know. How does anyone settle? Does anyone ever settle? I feel deep down it must be an illusion and a mass lie. Do people ever stop being restless? Do their minds turn off like a light switch to perfect calm? How do you mute your own thoughts?

 

I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. And that is very frustrating, because up to now I've always eventually got what I want, and I can't seem to get this.

 

Lo x

[Fudgie]

I think it's wonderful that you're very in love with your husband. He's your "first" everything, right? I have no doubt that's a factor. I had my first love when I was 14/15, much older man, and losing him put me into a deep state of depression for a few years. Since then, I have been in love and I have loved, but it's never been with the same intensity. There's always a bit of detachment. I've had several LTRs, loved deeply, but of course it's not the same as first love.

 

Now, I am okay with that, because I have loved and lost, and at the end of the day, I know I will be okay no matter what happens. There is some comfort in that. I really enjoy my "me" time to do what I like to do, listen to the weird music I like, read things I like, translate Latin, etc. So while I enjoy having a partner and I can love a partner, the center of my life is not them and I know that if I lose that person I will ultimately be okay. It's not so much about settling as it is about bring comfortable with yourself.

 

I truly think that as you get older and branch out a bit in terms of forming friendships and finding new passions (whatever they may be), you will feel more whole and less reliant on your husband for your happiness/purpose. It would only bring you happiness further down the line. I mean, that must be awful sitting there alone and feeling so sad. But it doesn't have to be that way.

 

I think you will eventually get there, I do.

 

As for muting one's own thoughts, I find that meditation really works for me to help me get into a more calm state. As I've gotten older, it's only gotten better. My father taught me how to meditate when I was 5/6, telling me that it was like "your mind is a chalkboard, and you erase everything on it and wait, and if you look carefully, messages will appear".

[mylolita]

Hi Fudgie,

 

Yes he is my first everything! First kiss, first guy I lost my virginity too, etc. It's strange but although that makes him very special to me, I know D feels the same way and I am definitely not his first anything!

 

My husband is not the first time I have ever been in love though. I was obsessed with a guy in college who after about two years of silent admiring asked me out. All my dreams came true and I couldn't say yes. I was so nervous. Looking back now, being 15 at the time, I knew I wasn't ready for what I wanted. We parted ways and I never see him now, but he was my first love in that respect, although we never did anything physical apart from him holding my hand! Ha!

 

I really admire your strength Fudgie - you come accross very level headed, hard working, caring, wise and stable. I envy you in a massive way! I wish I had more of your qualities. Honestly though, if my husband were to die tomorrow or leave me, I know for a fact I couldn't function.

 

Have you ever heard about elderly life long married couples where one dies and then the other dies soon after? They say it's due to a broken heart. I've never been in that situation of course, but I feel like I can relate to it. I feel like I'd die inside!

 

I do agree that I need to find new passions... all my energy is just not getting focused on anything productive apart from a 9 - 5 job which is a total drag and a load of stress, cleaning, going out for drinks and meals out, taking long baths, and seeing friends. I might go to the gym now and then. I have no other hobbies apart from dancing which, I do off my own back but I don't exactly have anywhere to erect a pole in our flat

 

I really like the idea of meditation and the blank slate you talk about. I am going to try it tonight. I'll try anything at the moment, I feel pretty low and dull.

 

Thanks Fudgie.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

F**k.

 

I need to go to the post office for work because of this stupid parcel... too long and too boring a story to go into. Oh, it's snowing as well, not just snowing but a blizzard with whistling wind. Some girls even screamed outside because it was coming down so hard.

 

Part of me really digs extreme weather (as long as I don't have to do much in it!).

 

One of my favourite and most exhilarating experiences I've ever had was flying through a lighting storm. The way the sky was this dark navy - beautiful! It took my breath away. I felt calm as well, it wasn't scary at all.

 

The whole living room suddenly went black and I looked at the sky and behold - SNOW! First snow. No white Christmas but a white January. I guess a baseball top and a denim shirt aren't going to cut it out there. I'll have to break out the knitted polo neck and get a quilted coat on.

 

Work is really doing my f*****g head in, excuse the expression. Everyone is SO negative at the moment. Other people complaining about other peoples work, what they're doing, how they're not working, how other people take too many breaks, blah blah blah. Who gives a s**t?! Unless it affects you, why complain that so and so took 15 extra minutes on his lunch break because he had to pick up some medicine?! Is it really worth moaning about and cursing over and then causing everyone else to snow ball into a massive rant about everything under the sun including how messy their house is because of their kids? Don't want to hear it! Don't care!

 

People say it a lot, but they always compliment me on how up beat and happy I am, or how I 'bring the place up.' Honestly, I get tired of feeling like it's my sole job to change the subject, crack a joke and lighten the mood. It's not my responsibility everyones too concerned with everyone else's business.

 

ARGH!

 

God, it's the weekend and I can't stop thinking about work. Shut up Lo! Get a grip! Get to the post office in the blizzard you fanny!

 

Goinggggggggg x

[mylolita]

Really enjoyed having a drive out, getting lost and just zoning out enjoying a few streets I've never been down before.

 

God, I love driving. I swear once I get my confidence up in the new car I will be a total petrol head. I just love my baby! I guess passing my driving test and then never driving for 4 years makes me an even newer driver than I would have been getting a car straight after getting my license. It's been a bit jerky and a bit rubbish for D having to sit in with me, but my first week driving myself to work has been terrifying but very freeing. I LOVE IT!

 

I can't wait to make more mix CD's for the car. I realise I could do the whole link my iPhone up and the blue tooth thing but, there's something about having an actual CD that I love. I like the way it gently sucks the CD in when you feed it into the player. Ahhh, simple pleasures!

 

Now I'm waiting for D to get back so that we can hit the gym and then go out to eat after. Saturday night - it ain't all bad really.

 

Lo x

[Fudgie]

You will get there, Lo. I know it. You know, I've had a lot of experiences and I still feel insecure from time to time and worry a lot but then I have to remind myself that I've made it through a lot and I can push through. I think we all have more inner strength then we know and I think that goes for you too. Once you find some friends and some new passions, you will only gain more confidence and enrich your life. Plus maybe have more fun with D so you can share in new things together!

 

I love driving too! I have a purple Honda Fit (you're in the UK, so I believe it's called the Honda Jazz where you are). It's my first car (grandmother helped me get it, and it makes me think of her) and it was cheap but I take good care of it and it's my baby. I feel like a million dollars in the summer after I wash it and I'm zipping around. I love listening to my music on long stretches of thruway.

 

Once you get even better with time, you will enjoy driving even more.

 

Enjoy the gym! It's almost 6am here. Getting up early to get dressed in a ridiculous winter outfit to go down to the lake with my father and see if we can hunt some geese! They don't taste very good to me but he's passionate about hunting so I like to go with him.

[mylolita]

Hey Fudgie,

 

It really means a lot to have you believe in me. Sometimes I don't always need advice, just support. Thats what D does a lot. Often, if he knows I'm feeling down, he'll just crack a joke and then ask me what I'd like to do all day. If it's stay in bed and watch a marathon of 90210, then he'll do it with me, if it's going for a walk, he'll happily come along. I guess the people in our lives who love us just want us to be happy no matter what. It's a really gorgeous feeling - the most luxurious experience I have ever had!

 

They are called a Honda Jazz here in the UK, yes! Funky little cars! Hope your hunting experience with your dad went well?

 

Lo x