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Diary Of A Redhead


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If you could have any one super power, what would it be?

 

Mine would be the ability to stop time.

 

Isn't that the one thing I always hear myself saying, thinking, feeling? If only I had more time. Isn't that the wish on everyone's tongue tip?

 

So okay, new found power, say you happen, I know the moral of the day is that I'll end up wasting you on trivial s**t, but sometimes I just need to gather my thoughts and collect myself.

 

Life is fast and it only seems to be getting faster. One day I was 16 and all I could think about was the endless currency of precious time I had to spend. It was so undervalued. I'd do nothing with it. Spend it in bed, spend it online, spend it daydreaming. The only thing that's changed is the first part - hello new early riser - goodbye I've got forever so let's just chill and things will happen next year.

 

Now I wake up 24 having to think if I'm actually well into my twenties or just getting started so I still have the excuse of 'but I'm young!'

 

I'm getting married in two and a bit weeks time, things are changing but I feel the same. I need more time! More time to plan, more time to get myself sorted, more time to figure out what I want and need to do before it's too late, before I say I went to sleep 24, newly wed and woke up 36 and aching with the feeling - I could of done so much more, if only I had more time.

 

If I could use my magic power only once, it would be for the most selfish reason. I would pause time whilst D holds me. Those moments where you wake up on Sunday morning to cool sheets, drizzly weather, grey sky peeking through the blinds and his arm around you. I would want that feeling forever, his chest moving up and down, his mouth open in deep sleep, like my own personal statue of beauty and everything I've ever wanted and more. When I wake up in his arms nothing else matters.

 

Okay, now this daydreamer has to walk herself to the office and put the dreams and the day on hold. Daydream in your own time, the world will not stop for me and time waits for no man.

 

I just want to get through this week of dreary work, I just want to have the courage to not wimp out and run from my problems.

 

I'm starting this diary because I guess I start a lot of things that I feel like, but I really badly want to keep this one up.

 

I don't even think it's made me feel better.

 

More last minute planning tomorrow. I have a day out to a bohemian cocktail bar with my fiancé and best friend at the weekend - we're choosing wedding rings. I can't wait to be his wife, that's all I keep thinking, through all the drudge and ridiculous planning - I can't wait to be his wife.

 

Write you later,

 

Lo x

Edited by mylolita
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Escaped into the botanical sanctuary that is my apartment for my lunch break - god I love this flat! I'm gonna miss it when the time comes to leave.

 

I can hear all the bustle of the high street below our lounge window; women gossiping, a car horn beep, children laughing, lorries rolling by and the odd lad driving through, windows down, blasting summer R'n'B anthems whilst everyone shakes their heads in disgust.

 

I love hurrying into the front door, walking up the hall stairs, the smell of Lillie's in the fireplace and last nights incense. Instant calm.

 

Next week I'm off until mid August. I really love my colleague, W. She's great. We're both gonna miss each other but I get to catch up with her at the wedding.

 

Sulkily eaten some leak and potato soup for lunch. That's it, nada, nothing! A glass of water!

 

Desperate to loose more weight to look my best on the day, so much god damn pressure to be pretty! Imagine that, being an ugly bride? 'Ohhhh but everyone looks beautiful on their wedding day!' That's what everyone says! Well, I have my fingers crossed for this promised transformation.

 

Currently 7 stone 13 pounds. Ideally I want to be seven seven - it has a ring to it. I think it's manageable as well. I've already lost 3lbs in a few days, I feel I can drop 6 in 2 and a bit weeks... I think? Oh man! Why do us women hold this stuff so high! We become women possessed, it's an insanity, a total obsession!

 

Got half an hour on the clock left before I have to shuffle back to the office in heels I insist on wearing even though there are cobbles everywhere in this b******d town!

 

I think I'll put my headphones on and have a slow dance with myself around the bedroom. This is how I relax, what an impulse. I love to dance.

 

Lo x

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Survived work, got home to find D back from his work in London - yay!!! Like a puppy dog is too tame a description, yes sir.

 

I have an appointment with The Judge tonight, aka my Uncle. He's the one who's set himself up with the drama of doing our nuptials.

 

Oh god, why do I always feel like there's impending doom whenever I see or talk to any of my family? I feel like there's something else he's going to bring up. Clutching at my coffee cup at the moment, anxiety levels are rising. Maybe I should just wear a sexy dress. When things get anxious, power dressing is my philosophy. Need lipstick!

 

Does it make me a bad person because I think my sister is a butch and I hate seeing her? Does it make me a bad person to be embarrassed by her? It's like some sort of revulsion comes over me when it comes to my direct, close family. I sound like a terrible, terrible person, but reasons are there. I'll explain later, it's complicated.

 

Hold it down girl.

 

Lo x

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Just read the above entry back and my sister is not a butch lesbian, I meant the other b word. Not that I have anything against homosexuals at all. I'm typing all this on my phone, I'm expecting some typo's.

 

Today = another day, another dollar.

 

I find myself sitting in the bath for half an hour before work, trying to squeeze out some relaxation before I hit that hot, frustrating little office. I could do worse I guess, but being a Lettings Agent wasn't my life's goal or plan. I just fell into it. And very gratefully at the time - it was the semi serious job I needed and it's helped me grow up in a lot if ways. I appreciate the experience and the people.

 

I'm psyching myself up in the bath if that's possible, that's what I'm trying to do. 'You can do', it I'm telling myself, while I robotically pat on face scrub and go through the motions of moisturiser, body shimmer for the legs, eye cream, yadda yadda, oh man I look tired, my main bug bare.

 

My anxiety about last night was useless. This is the usual pattern where I privately freak out and worry about all the worst possible outcomes and then 90% of the time everything turns out okay.

 

The Judge ran through our vows and put our mind at ease. I really like my Uncle R, even if my dad has bad mouthed him all the time I lived at home. I used to believe him, cos when you're 6 your dad is a superhero and anything he says has to be right, there's no other way round it. Now the capes off and the superhero's gotten a little disillusioned with life. Even got the typical washed up beer belly but that's gone now he's a Vegan superhero instead and lives off soy milk and runner beans.

 

The Judge disapproves of a lot of my dads values and vice versa. My dad never really encouraged us to go to university because of the debt. The Judge offered to pay both mine and my sister tuition fees but my dad refused to 'be in his pocket'. I could never of accepted anyway, it's too much, but I remember like all family gatherings being sat on the floor, even at 16, legs pulled up to my chest whilst another argument happens. Either my mum and her sister, my dad and my grandad, my dad and my uncle, my mum and my grandma, and always my grandma and everyone else. Immature fights normal adults shouldn't have, and then it ends with my mum in her usual dramatic tears, or my grandma storming out.

 

My anxiety over confrontation is still at the beating heart of me. I get this sick feeling bubbling up at the thought of falling out with a friend, but it's happened in my life already a few times and now I feel as much as you try, it's sometimes unavoidable. Just best not to create it out of nowhere - but that's my family all over, creators of conflict. 'And on the eighth day, god created the H family, and from that day onwards, man would know war!'

 

Oh no, my minds swung back to planning... so much to do, so little time. I feel nervous I won't get everything sorted. My To Do list is vast, I need to start the satisfaction of ticking things off and letting them go.

 

Diet went well last night. D took me out to Nando's for some chicken and salad. I have to congratulate myself for avoiding the mind blowing chocolate cheesecake, going home and eating a low calorie cereal bar instead of dessert. I bow to the crowd, yes! I did it! I turned down cheesecake, gasps everywhere, carnivals in the street.

 

Haven't weighed myself cos I don't want the disappointment of a no loss. I have to take this pink nail varnish off and get out of this bath and into work.

 

Adois, I march to my slave driver.

 

Lo x

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Lunch break - time to kick off the heels, put the kettle on and curl up on the couch for an hour before it's time to head back to the demanding general public. I bust my ass, I really do. If I don't, no one else will and the whole thing falls apart for me to pick up angry phone calls on Monday.

 

On the menu today; vegetable soup and another two low calorie cereal bars. One cup of peach green tea. Torment. I feel so stressed that not eating much is coming naturally, my appetite is gone during the day.

 

My best friend Z has cancelled our trip to York on Saturday. I was really hoping we could of had a chat over an extortionate cocktail whilst lounging on an Indian chaise lounge. I get to play hippie for an hour.

 

She's still coming to mine and D's apartment later on to try on the dreaded bridesmaid dress which everyone of my four lovely ladies have complained about up to now. No comment on the style which to me automatically means 'Oh my god what have you made us wear.' But how can you go wrong with a mid length, floaty chiffon number with spaghetti straps in a very classy nude colour? I spent more time by miles stressing over what dress to chose than my own. Mine took all of half an hour on a website, I just thought, I have to make a decision, this is beautiful, it'll do. I love it, I'm in love with a dress! D, I'm having an affair with white chiffon and a three way with the lace, forgive me, I am but a girl with a weakness for material things, a capitalist dream, kids, it doesn't make you happy.

 

Have I ever admitted often I even dream about shopping?

 

I wake up to pleasant images of rows and rows of beautiful goods; expensive make-up, designer hand bags, all the dresses and kookie heels I could ever want. Simply browsing in my dreams. This comforting feeling washes over me, I've felt it before, the temporary happiness in a sale, desiring something then having it instantly - it's a rush, a mini high.

 

Then you possess it and all the fun drains away, the desires gone. What a metaphor for some relationships.

 

The key is, you have to be really crazy about the item, I mean really really want it. That's the problem with us shopaholics, we think we want, need, MUST have it! But really, it was an impulse. We'll forget about it in a week.

 

Do you ever remember really pining after something, maybe as a kid, a new t-shirt, that toy everyone had, you get it then you can never be parted with it, you wear the t-shirt until it's bobbly and hanging by a thread, you drag your favourite toy everywhere with you until it's scuffed but always by your pillow at night.

 

Those type of purchasers are the happy ones - adults seem to loose that childlike magic over an item. I get it still from time to time, but it's rare. And thus the curse of the never satisfied shopaholic. A broke one as well.

 

Ever feel like deep down, you deserve nice things? Then when you get them, you feel guilty? Maybe it's just me.

 

Fact is, D was not an impulse purchase and his brand of love ain't going out of fashion anytime soon. I will have him beside my pillow for as long as I can - my favourite!

 

Looking out of my window and taking a break from all this pillow talk, the weather's turned s****y and the clouds are coming in. Still hot, still close, still dying to get back to my love nest until it's time to wash, rinse and repeat all again tomorrow morning.

 

I have this massive issue that's hanging over my head at work. I've messed up, big time. I'll expand when I've got more time to play with, but the odds don't look good. D doesn't know, I'm too scared to tell him because I know he'll wonder why the hell I didn't deal with the issue when it first appeared. Damn. It's been playing on my mind for weeks, and I only have till tomorrow to fix it before I have to leave it another whole half month until I come back from my honeymoon. Not good.

 

Deer in the headlights.

 

Lo x

Edited by mylolita
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>>The Judge offered to pay both mine and my sister tuition fees but my dad refused to 'be in his pocket'.

 

It's not too late to get a good education and career and you're an adult, so why not accept that offer from your uncle? Doesn't matter what your father says.

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Hi Lavenderdove,

 

I feel like the offer was made 8 years ago and now it's too late. Actually he's been more than generous with me with regards to the wedding even though I hardly see him - more like a distant Uncle. He originally thought I should go into law, but would of been behind any 'worthwhile degree' I'd chosen to do.

 

I did study the basics of property law and passed a Property and Estate management exam half a year ago but found even the basics pretty tough.

 

Basically, I'm 24 and still don't know what I want to do. Drifting in and out of an office is boring the hell outta me.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

x

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Morning.

 

Woke up feeling so tired.

 

Went out to dinner with D last night for a vegetarian carvery. I gave him all my meat, ha! Thats the deal we have. Ordered a cappuccino from the very attractive and sweet female waitress which I should never of had at 9 in the evening. This meant like a little kid I didn't want to go to bed, even though I knew I desperately needed an early night. Me and D laid in bed talking for an hour until about 1am. Feeling it today, I'm an early riser now and late nights don't agree with me.

 

Whats looking back in the mirror is a bit like a pale, dark eyed crack head. But I'm sure crack heads have better hair. I look like I've scrambled through bushes and slept rough on a bench like a hopeless wino.

 

Answer - concealer. Brightener. Cheek shimmer. Must, look, awake.

 

Last day at the office before I'm off until mid August. I should be really excited, trust me, I am, but it's hidden deep down because I know I have to approach something and grab it by the balls today at work. I'll have to explain sometime as promised, its long and boring - not something to trudge through at this time in the morning.

 

On the flip side of my dreary mood, the weathers been absolutely immaculate. The sun wakes me up as it beams through the blinds, I have to wear sunglasses to walk to work (even though, I live 15 seconds from my office, the pro's of living on a high street), and the jackets are off. Strictly shirts and smart vest tops from now on.

 

I think Lana Del Rey calls it 'Summertime Sadness'.

 

No sleep really affects my mood, look, I'm already being dramatic. I feel cranky. I need coffee? I've been trying to cut down the coffee to only a few cups a week. It really affects my stomach. Not only am I full of butterflies most of the time, but it gives me this awful erratic, nervous energy that just adds to my natural anxiety levels. The boost is temporary and the come down is nasty, leaving me feeling worse than ever.

 

I need to pick up some more Berrocca from the pharmacy. I like the idea of taking my vitamins every morning. I put the fizzing glass at the side of the bath whilst the water slowly runs. It's a nice routine.

 

Please lord beam me up! I'm losing my tiny mind! Surely I don't deserve this drudgery?! I survived the week, where's my prize?! You work to live not live to work! My inner teenager screams, 'It's not faaaaiiiirrr!'

 

I really feel like once I'm a married woman, I have my honeymoon to think about my game plan. I must, must make a change. I can't go on like this. Sometimes it's okay and I'm fine with it, I settle for my lot and I'm grateful for the luck I've been granted. And then other times, I have to mentally crawl into that stuffy desk space to deal with the snobby brats who have demands that go on forever. I feel like their mission is to see just how much paper work they can physically pile on my desk. Oh go on, I can nearly not see anymore, you're nearly there! Put a cherry on top and file a complaint as well why don't you! Oh and yes, the appointment diary doesn't apply to you, just breeze in and ask for a grand house tour of the whole f****'n town why don't you! I wasn't busy or anything! Practically waiting on baited breath to serve you! Can I stay back late as well just to further aid your demands?! Unpaid as well! But it's for the love of the job. And you of course, and you're lovely, appreciative attitude.

 

GOD!

 

Rant o' clock. Oh god, I have to stop, I can feel my frustration rising.

 

I'm changing careers after I'm married. This is wearing at my nerves. I've been working with the general public for 8 years now, it's hit me that I lack the compassion for it. They've drained me. Those general public folk, honestly, they'll use you like a washed up w***e. Hence the crack head look. I'm a washed up, caffeine fuelled Letting Agent. Honey, your wish is my demand. JUST MAKE AN APPOINTMENT THEN YOU CAN RUB THE LANTERN.

 

I wonder if they have this problem in America? Do we just have a bad attitude?

 

My baths nearly full. Where's that superhero power when I want it? I want to stay in my serene little bathroom, with it's antique wooden cabinet - fashion magazines stacked on top. My ceramic bowl of lotions and potions. My cactus. My candles in glass jars. Oh god, the scales, let's see:

 

7 stone 13 pounds still.

 

Final dress fitting on Saturday. I get to see my beautiful waterfall of chiffon, hopefully fitting like a glove. Like a glove. Keep that in mind when I'm reaching for a chocolate wafer.

 

I really need a coffee.

 

Lo x

Edited by mylolita
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I took my own advice.

 

One small cup of coffee to go. I feel the calm washing over me already. Please, don't judge - this is only my third cup in a whole week, and yes, it's near the end of the week, surely I get cut some slack on this one!

 

I apologise for the little scene - no one cares already, right! Get over it! Fix it! It's my fault, complaining ain't gonna solve my problems. Dear diary, the weight has lifted some. Thats good enough for me.

 

Today is a day for power dressing.

 

Ever seen American Pyshco?

 

Only kidding. I wish I had his wardrobe though. Damn.

 

Lo x

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I think I'm addicted to writing here.

 

Got into work and the ball started rolling. Just mechanical really. Drifted through until I'm here again, sacred lunch break, dilemma still pending.

 

So here's the issue at work. Yes, after I've explained you're going to think how the hell can anyone be that stupid? Well stop searching now, you've found me. Why was I not born blonde?

 

I manage two business buildings on the high street of which the owners pay my boss management fees. I handle things like the insurance re-charge, repairs, complaints, rent reviews and utility re-charges.

 

It's the last one, the utility part, thats the blooper.

 

Now in my defence (not that there is one, it's completely my fault), when I first started taking on this management job two years ago, my boss just dumped the huge files on my desk and never really fully explained the situation there. He might of quickly skimmed through it once, but it's quite complicated (working out the percentages based on the floor space per square meter for each office or business in the building, etc.), and when it comes to handling peoples money well, if you've ever dealt with the general public and put money in the mix, you'll know exactly how hot and heavy it can get. The nicest people turn into monsters when the pound signs flash.

 

Anyway, originally I would re-charge each office or business in this one particular building each month their gas and electric. Now at some point, the electric bills went paperless. This is crazy, but I completely forgot for a whole year and a half to re-charge the Tenants electric because I never got a physical bill through the post.

 

This sunk in and hit me like a tonne of bricks about 4 months ago. It took me forever, absolutely months, after raking through the amounts (one business will have to fork out about £700 in unpaid electric), to break this to my boss. After months of anxiety, I couldn't apologise enough. In fact, I even expected to be fired, or at least put on a formal warning. Instead my fair boss said we weren't technically even supposed to be handling the utilities and that on looking into it, they had read the meter wrong which caused a bill of £1 a month to be charged to the Landlord for about 3 months last year.

 

That aside, the owner of the building, a very wealthy but sweet ex-insurance broker, pays by direct debit, trusting me to re-charge the utility he has already paid for.

 

Oh good lord.

 

So I brought this up with my boss two other times. He suggested getting the money back by issuing a rent increase. I don't like this idea at all. I feel like I should just own up and take the huge amount of verbal abuse thats going to come from all the businesses in the building.

 

I need to mention this again today. I can't do this alone, I don't have the authority to simply send the letter out with an apology and suggest staggered payments, etc. And it only gets worse the longer it's being left. It's really eating me up.

 

So thats the dilemma. My instinct is to run away. It honestly is. Quit my job, leave the c**p behind, move town! Anything! But then I think of my college W who holds me in such high regard, realising what a dunce I am, how stupid I really was. The bosses son remembering me as a horrible employee who couldn't even handle a simple task. My boss telling his new employee what a mess I left things.

 

Oh god. And today is my last day. And my boss is busy but will be coming back in the afternoon. But I don't want to send letters out and then leave my colleges to handle the on-slaught whilst I'm on my honeymoon.

 

This is worse than a disaster for me. How could I be so stupid?!?! I even surprise myself!

 

Internally hemorrhaging in panic. I'm in such a panic I'm calm. Does that make any sense? Like a mild state of shock? Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. I keep telling this to myself whilst burying my head in the sand. Oh no, again, same pattern all my life, f**k up then run! I was doing so well! Never late, never off sick in 3 years, I did my exam, I've tried, I really tried!

 

Ground, swallow me now.

 

Write soon if my boss hasn't killed me.

 

Lo x

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Mass panic.

 

I leave today to go to London. It's the last time I'll be at home as an engaged lady! I can't come back for anything - I'm trying to pack all glassware and make lists to tick off like a mad women.

 

Organisation is not something I do.

 

I probably won't be able to write here for a few days now with all the planning. I have to live with our friend who is hosting the wedding - help dress the garden, help set up the marquee, organise and pay for the food and flowers when I'm down there, pick up the cake, etc. I'll have plenty of time on a night though, I might need this diary as a sanctuary for my sanity.

 

I don't really deal well with spending a long amount of time with people other than D, even close friends like K, who is very, very kindly letting us use her beautiful garden for our wedding.

 

I'm leaving a lot to D as he'll be coming back home to tie up a few loose ends a few days before the wedding. He has to pick up his ring, buy a suit, pay for the furniture hire... I'm stressing just at the thought.

 

Not enough sleep, bad headache. Worry worry worry.

 

Once I'm travelling there I guess thats it, I should just relax. Fingers crossed. I don't even care if it rains, I just want everything sorted and finalised. Wishing I was rich enough to pay minions to do all this for me. I could sit on my throne in a silk gown with a cosmo while everyone else panics for me. Dream on!

 

Friday night was a 12 hour day. Went to work, didn't break the news of my mega mistake, everyone was too busy, too full of congratulations for me. 3 weeks, it can wait. It's still on my mind, but I feel like I have my own fish to fry.

 

I clean some of the apartments and houses we have on our books for extra money, yes, I'm that desperate sometimes. Went and did 8 hours in that office in gorgeous, hot weather to leave the office late in a rush, say ciao and then throw on some rags, pile my cleaning stuff into D's van and go spend 4 hours scrubbing other peoples muck. This one wasn't bad at all, a weird kind of blessing. Relief washed over me when I walked in the door. I never know how bad they're going to be, oh god, the stories I could tell you! Disgusting! Bork.

 

So a headless chicken is probably the best description for me this past week. I need to channel my inner cucumber. Be cool.

 

Not that this is important at all, but my selfish bridezilla needs are bubbling to the surface and I really feel I want, yes, need, eyelash extensions. These magical beauties are semi-perminant until your eyelashes grow and they naturally drop out, but honestly they look fantastic. I know somewhere on the high street that does them. Can I even dare go there when there's a massive flap around me?

 

I'm gonna ask D about it. He's been a bit of a groomzilla if you ask me, I deserve these lashes. (Justification).

 

So much to do, I can't just sit here hiding in the bathroom. Oh sweet, sweet bathroom. One day I will write a lament just for you, my precious darling!

 

Feeling crazy. Anything goes!

 

Happiness, in a weird kind of stressed out way. Happiness is there. Okay, bring it on. Where are my gardening gloves? But first, lashes!

 

Lo x

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  • 4 weeks later...

Haven't updated in what feels like ages.

 

I feel like I've let my personal goal down and I've really missed going through the therapeutic motions of writing up. But! I have the best excuse ever in that I was getting married and on my honeymoon! I hope that qualifies as a good get out clause!

 

Currently back in the peaceful isolation of my bathroom - god, I've missed you! I haven't been here in almost three weeks.

 

The lead up to the wedding was insane. Note to brides to be; trying to do everything yourself is a serious up hill climb which leaves you with half an hour to get ready as guests arrive whilst hurriedly throwing back a glass of champagne, tanning your bridesmaid and smudging red nail varnish on your dress = ARGH!

 

Don't get me wrong, the day went absolutely beautifully. I have to say, after all the stress and build up and family drama, just walking down the aisle with the cello playing, the wind picking up slightly and seeing D waiting patiently at the end made my heart leap. Both our eyes glazed at the vows but we didn't let any tears roll.

 

A very relaxed garden wedding full of everyone we loved and cared for. We honestly couldn't of done it without the help of friends, new and old. I was touched by the amount of help I got to the run up - gardening all day from neighbours, R & P, the most sweetest and lovely older couple you could ever meet! Adorable! Paul next door with his self made fortune still with a cockney accent who surprised us with the most gorgeous fireworks at the end of the night. Wow. I felt so truly lucky and spoilt by it all. C for letting us use her now beautiful (but originally in much need of attention), garden, pool and patio. Sassy K, the author and full time bubbly lady who can always be counted on to turn up in the most glamorous, electric neon dress, for her home made white and milk chocolate dipped strawberries. C's eldest daughter H, for her lovely nature and organisation of the food, her son, J, for his gourmet BBQ skills, and his exotic girlfriend J, who was just plain friendly and sweet. All of them, I miss them and I adore them!

 

Nail varnish smudge was fixed by one of my bridesmaids who is a seamstress with a bit of crazy sewing 15 minutes before I was due to go down the aisle. I felt I was beaming from inside out, even after the panic. So nervous about the whole day going well and being the centre of attention for a little while that I got 2 hours of sleep the night before due to anxiety. In the end it was all worth it. The money, the time, the worry, the effort, the planning; truly I felt it was a day me and D will never forget. I hope all our guests saying the same wasn't just out of politeness, but we know them well enough to feel it was completely genuine.

 

The food (all done by friends!), was a kind of 'posh' bbq. Venison burgers, garlic and herb chicken kebabs or a mexican bean vegan burger, all delivered to beautifully set out tables of dreamy garden hessian, white cloth and tiny glass jar vases with peach berries and white roses. All the sides on each table were hand made by friends, fresh green leaf salads, couscous, sauces in tiny white pots, delicious boiled baby potatoes in oil - oh my god! I loved it! And then the desserts me and D had selected, a mixture of berry fruit tarts, chocolate mini cheesecakes, squares of tiramisu and then a hand full of dipped chocolate strawberries!

 

It was like a dream! I wish I hadn't been so nervous, I could barely eat anything. I felt so lucky! It was all worth it! And I looked around at everyones happy faces, all mingling, drinking, chatting - just casual and relaxed. Lots of summer reggae music in the background, ahh! And the rain stopped!

 

I do have a gripe.

 

Well, me and D were both very unhappy with our sisters on the day. I'll explain later, it's a long story, but that was the only negative thing about the whole day. A bit of a 'true colours' moment, maybe?

 

Travelling to our honeymoon I just burst into tears of happiness and couldn't stop crying for about two hours! When you really want to have sex with someone this probably isn't the best, ha! D completely understood and held me for the whole time, saying how great everything was and how happy he was. I was overwhelmed with happiness!

 

The hotel was absolutely delectable! Such a romantic, luxurious place to spend your wedding night.

 

I got to try out my super high heeled white fluffy shoes, mwahah! Plus give my bridal lingerie a spin. I'll never forget everything and everyones kindness, simply overwhelmed would be the sum of my emotions for a week later. I could hardly get my words out to thank everyone enough, it sounds soppy, it is soppy, but honestly thats how I felt.

 

I'm now a married woman, and even though it hasn't sunk it completely yet, I know I do feel different. Some way, I feel more grown up. It all feels great, like the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. I have to make this count, I MUST make this count. I cannot waste anymore time, months, years - dwelling on the same old s**t, replaying all the things I've done wrong in my mind. I must accept things.

 

One of the new friends we made, P (she is adorable and sweet in every way), put up a quote on facebook. I normally pay no attention to these and honestly think people who constantly post them are dull idiots who just copy and paste any old sentence, but this really stuck in my mind, I can't seem to shake it, maybe because it's relevant to me, but it goes something like this:

 

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.

If you are anxious you are living in the future.

If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

 

 

― Lao Tzu

 

I'm currently in the number 2 party of the anxiety ridden. This just makes sense. I need a mental slap. Everything's going right, so why worry about what might or could happen before it even does?

 

Sometimes I'm plagued by this horrific thought, because I love D so much, and because he is 9 years older than me, that he will die before me and I will be left for years, old and alone and wanting to die myself but not having the courage to do it. Selfishly, I would rather die before him to not have to deal with the pain of loosing him. This feeling is overwhelming and creeps into day to day activities. A living mental hell because I know realistically it could happen. I need to shake this. Lao Tzu, you are right!!!

 

So, to end this long, rattling post - I'm married! A Mrs!

 

Coming away from new and old friends, helping everyone and everyone helping me in return, I feel like I've opened up socially. I was always so closed, so suspicious of people. In short terms, I take a long time to get to know. But coming back to these old cobbled streets I often take so much for granted, after being in London and wishing life could be more cosmopolitan and go like there, my envy subsided as I felt strangely peaceful to be back home. A place that was started to feel alien after being away for so long.

 

And then the people - N in the flower shop, the loveliest girl, I always casually chatted to her, but it was so nice just to go in buy some flowers and then talk non-stop for an hour like friends while she told me about her wedding (she got married last month), and we laughed and made jokes about all the things that had gone wrong and right, swapped pictures... ahh, it was lovely. I would normally have been guarded or thought she was just being polite, but I think she genuinely likes me. I know I like her. And I left, content and back home, with her shouting 'Good bye Mrs ****!' and me, 'Good bye Mrs ****!'

 

New names, new start, new me?

 

Lo x

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It's just gone midnight and me and D have had a whole day doing what we would call 'monging out'.

 

I feel it was a well deserved slob out. Eating chocolate, crisps, watching trashy documentaries on Scientology weirdos and Hollywood plastic surgery gone wrong, all that self indulgent, mindless c**p that I normally feel guilty about watching.

 

The best part is looking at our fireplace to see it overflowing with lovely wedding cards, big and small, and lots of personalised gifts carefully placed underneath and around our coffee table! So spoilt by amazing friends and family.

 

Oh and my mini sets of hotel toiletries from the honeymoon look quite the part in a glass bowl in the bathroom!

 

Wanting to go to sleep but can't.

 

All I can think of is how much we're a proper family now, a unit. Me and D can't wait to buy a house and start having children. Exciting times! I need to start saving. From a shopaholic and obsessive spender the idea is making me choke!

 

Tossing and turning,

 

Lo x

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Woke up this morning just feeling... low. Tired and a bit low.

 

I know it's gonna be a long day. In fact it's dragging on and on. I should be enjoying the last 5 days of my honeymoon at home, instead I'm wallowing in family drama and health anxieties.

 

Family drama - okay.

 

So if anyone ever reads this or has ever seen any of my recent posts, me and D both decided to have a very, very intimate, small wedding with only the people we absolutely love and care for, are close too, etc. This meant excluding some estranged family, perverted uncles who are basically like strangers, and, drum roll, my sisters new boyfriend.

 

Rewind two years. This guy was in and out of her life, we never saw him. He was just a bit of fun and she went out with a few guys seriously in between. She would never bring him round to my parents or to our apartment. No introductions once they declared they were in a relationship a year ago and she was very evasive about it all.

 

Suddenly in the last few months he's been practically living at my parents.

 

They have a very small terrace house which isn't ideal for this set up in my opinion. He hasn't worked for 5 years, he is extremely elusive about what he actually does, says his dad left him the small house he lives in and generally comes accross very suspicious. Not only that, but he's constantly mooching off my mum and dad. Drink, food, lodge. It's like they're all best buddies now and I'd been with my now husband at this time for 6 years (for 5 and a half of them living together) and my mum and dad wouldn't even accept him!

 

So now he's like the golden boy, even though he's 23, no job, can't drive, no ambition or prospects and is constantly shifty about money and where he gets it from. My sister avoids this question. I don't know if she is hiding something from us as well, she's highly sneaky so this wouldn't surprise me.

 

Anyway, you get the picture. Me and D met this guy a few times, a few hello's and some small talk. I worked with him very briefly 4 years ago when I was in a medical reception job. We spoke a few times but I wouldn't class him as someone I know. This does not qualify him to come to our wedding, even if she's now been going with him for a year solid. It was the guest list we wanted and even if she disagreed, we wanted her to respect our wishes or just not come.

 

Apparently he was dramatically hurt by not getting an invite even though he barely knows us. My sister claimed it was the event of his year for him, etc. Strange. Then she tries to emotionally blackmail me with tears in front of my mum and dad. Two stupid, childish out bursts that I found embarrassing and that made me stick to my guns even more. Emotionally stomping your feet at 22 is not attractive. She desperately suggested we all take a holiday before the wedding to get to know each other?! Then she tried to arrange nights out even though we were too busy and had no interest in her games.

 

She threw her dummy out big style, but after a chat with her I told her to keep it to herself or not come. It's one day, couldn't she respect my wishes? Can't she survive without him for one day? Lots of other people at the wedding were in the same position as we only knew them and not their partners, so why should she get any special treatment?

 

Agree or disagree with me, suddenly to my mum and dad, as always, I'm the big bad older sister. Poor F, what have I done to her. I was the bad guy.

 

So the night before the wedding, I get my bridesmaids, one my sister F, to come and have a chilled out glass of wine at a local bar over looking the river thames for an hour or so. They don't have to come. All my bridesmaids including my sister had been put up in the same local hotel (a very nice hotel can I add), that me and D paid for. We paid for one night for everyone. There was a mix up with the hotel and the hotel thought my sisters room hadn't been paid for, therefore asked for the money.

 

All my bridesmaids said she was nasty about it and told them how it was 'such a nice surprise' to have to pay for her room and continued to b**ch and moan the whole night until I arrived. Not only did she not come to me about the hotel room so that I could sort it out, later on I found my dad paid for it anyway! It wasn't even her money!

 

Before I arrived, she also complained to all my bridesmaids about how I hadn't let her bring her boyfriend and how she was having to meet up with him after the wedding because he wasn't allowed to come. Sob stories all around, lots of complaints about how horrible I am.

 

Then when I turn up, she's all smiles but in this weird sarcastic way. Then she's rolling her eyes and pulling faces when some of my friends speak. Then she's telling totally crude stories loudly in a really nice bar, we kind of ignore her and then she pulls another face like 'whatever, you're all nothing to me anyway'. Just bad vibes in general. Fake hugs, I hated it! I just wanted to call her out! But I didn't want any drama the night before the wedding, so I kept my cool and went back to go to bed.

 

So the big day comes. And all she does all day is pull sarcastic faces. She has a bad attitude all day, it really grinder on me. I know she was unhappy but couldn't she at least fake a smile? Or say I nice word to me? No you look lovely or what a nice day or the food was good - nothing.

 

She did say before that she might not stay late into the evening party which was fine by me, but we all are sat down after eating, the speeches were about to start and she just left without saying goodbye to anyone or my husband.

 

So my dad had to do a speech, some of which is about my sister, and made excuses that she had to see her boyfriend and thats why she's not here. I was embarrassed for her. It looked really bad. And then my dad made this phoney speech about how we were so close which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

Fast forward a week after the wedding. This girl posts everything, I mean everything, on facebook. Not one mention of her sister getting married, just trivial things like weekend parties or a new dress. Then she posts 'Just wanted to say thank you for V (her boyfriend) and his family for making my weekend special'. No mention about the wedding, nothing. This was obviously a dig at me.

 

Then on facebook there turns up 6 photo's which are apparently her 'favourite' from the wedding. All of her. One includes her just on her phone pulling a stupid, sarcastic face. Two others of her pulling stupid faces with my flower girl. Two of me (her in it, pulling more mocking faces at my side) whilst I pick up my train looking blank faced. The other one was of me in mid speech looking ridiculous whilst she pulls another face. Out of everything she could of picked, I was shocked.

 

I texted her about the hotel to say that the money was getting refunded. She never mentioned Dad paid for it even though by this point I knew the truth. All she could say was 'Glad to hear it, I was fuming me t**ts off' - that was it. No thank you. She never said thank you for the fact we paid for the hotel as a good will gesture.

 

It's as if everything's owed to that stupid girl!!!!!!!

 

I'm just so angry at her and so let down by how she behaved. During the wedding rehearsal, she couldn't wait for it to be over, complained and moaned the whole time, rolled her eyes, said this and that was ridiculous. I felt is was so unfair when she's supposed to be supporting me, and just only after she'd send me ridiculous, fake texts saying 'I just want your day to be so special and I'm not going to leave until it is'. What a farse!

 

Anyway, rant over, who can be bothered to hear it!

 

But having come home and thought about things, I'm really not cool with it. Okay, she didn't agree with my decision, but I don't ask anything ever of her, and this one special day I thought she could just agree to disagree and support me regardless.

 

After all the other s**t thats gone down before over the years, I feel disgusted at myself but the feeling I have for her is only hate.

 

Maybe I should be feeling like a bad person right now for admitting that, but my mood is sour and I can't stand to even face her at the moment because I know it will only end in an argument.

 

Damn, why do my family and drama go hand in hand?

 

Tired of it.

 

Lo x

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Congratulations on getting married! I'm sorry your sister didn't behave well, but at least you still had a lovely day. It sounds like everything was gorgeous. Where did you go on your honeymoon? Enjoy the rest of your time off before going back to work.

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Congratulations on getting married! I'm sorry your sister didn't behave well, but at least you still had a lovely day. It sounds like everything was gorgeous. Where did you go on your honeymoon? Enjoy the rest of your time off before going back to work.

 

Thank you sophie! The day was better than I could of hoped for!

 

x

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Just read the first few posts....and you have a very captivating writing style. I'll back back to read more. Nice job on the journal...Maybe go back to school for writing?

 

Hi faraday,

 

Thats so sweet! I am a total rambler on here! I read a few other journals now and then and much prefer their style of doing things, but thats really nice of you to say. I love reading everyones advice and because I'm naturally nosy (ha!) I love the journals too.

 

Cheers from England! x

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Friday night, thought I'd open a left over bottle of Bollinger from the wedding because Sar and C, two of our closest friends who also happen to be an engaged couple, were coming round.

 

Our fridge freezer isn't working because our electric (which is on this stupid meter that was already installed in the apartment), is a pre-pay contraption and we didn't top it up before the honeymoon. So we come back to a totally stinking gross fridge full of furry food.

 

So our fridge doors are open and flapping about as we air the thing out. C nips out to the shop to get us some ice and we pour a few bags into a huge bucket and have some yummy alcoholic treats chilling in the living room. Candles on and music low. Friday night is a good night for left over party alcohol, and I had to admit, this girl loves champagne!!! Sorry Sinatra, I do get a kick.

 

I only have one glass and the conversation turns to the wedding. This is something I don't want to talk about all night because no one wants a gushing new bride high jacking the conversation and boring everyone to death, especially over some Bollinger, so Sar, who was one of my bridesmaids, asks me about my sister.

 

I'd been in such a bad mood about it all day. Not angry anymore, just upset. D could tell and had tried to calm me down with a little chat and then the not so subtle "pull yourself together because you're doing my head in" so, I'd tried to be cool, but trying to be cool in it's self when you're not is just another frustration. The cycle continues in my head for two days, I'm on edge about the whole thing. I'm dreading seeing her again, I'm dreading the confrontation - dread dread dread. Maybe all the dread drove me to the bubbly, who knows, but it wasn't a good vibe at all.

 

So I think Sar and C can tell I'm a little beat up about the situation and the night goes on.

 

1 am rolls round and I've only had a glass and a half all night. Really not feeling myself and secretly wanting to hide under my covers and drift off to sleep thinking about tasteful, cosy home interiors. It beats counting sheep.

 

There's a silence and D just says "Whats wrong! Is it your sister? You've been in a mood all night!" and then he tells me I need to let it go, yadda yadda, all of which is true, but by this point I'm really unhappy about the whole thing plus tired as hell, and I just feel hot tears ling behind my eyes. Everyone goes blurry, empty glass included, and I say sorry and rush upstairs.

 

Awful and embarrassing.

 

Me and D end up talking in bed till the early hours of the morning before we settle on being positive and not constantly expecting the worst. I drift off into dreamless sleep and expect to wake up better. I wake up feeling fragile and upset about the whole situation still.

 

Next morning me and D and me decide to drive out to get a sandwich. I tidy the lounge and wash up while he gets his jacket. We head to this obsolete little sandwich bar that looks closed down but really does the best baguettes. As D walks out of the car and leaves me alone, I wallow a bit and decide to turn on the radio. It's mid way through Bob Marley's 'Don't Worry About A Thing'. Well this is like a mini sign to me. I'm not religious at all, but hearing it brings out a lump in my throat. I turn off the radio and get myself together before D comes back.

 

Don't worry about a thing, cos every little thing, is gonna be alright.

 

Starting to feel a little better.

 

Lo x

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Today feels like the last day of summer.

 

The suns started streaming through my bathroom blind. I can see the shadow of the wooden frame, the squares of the glass distorted, washing the whole bathroom in a lovely crisp, white glow.

 

The drop in temperature is strange. From being in Cornwall and St Ives all last week, in beautiful coves, golden sand beaches and hot weather this change is really obvious. I'm even wearing a thin jumper today. Sunny but cool, I like that actually, thats not a problem.

 

The thing thats perking me up today is the thought of Christmas! I know I know, oh my god, how can you think of Christmas, it's only August, but this lovely cool breeze and the odd rolling grey cloud makes me feel content.

 

There's something about Autum I really love. Maybe it's the change from summer clothes to jumpers, tights, scarves, etc. I love winter fashion. But the golden leaves everywhere, and the way snow hides every towns sins making everywhere look beautiful - ahh! And the excitement of Christmas! I love the music, the tree... lovely. I can't wait to throw another Christmas party at the apartment. Last year we had two friends singing famous Christmas hits, one on the guitar, it was lovely. All the girls in red or velvet dresses, the guys wearing ties! Mulled wine in the coffee filter machine (yes, it broke after). There's something kind of 'together' about Christmas, I can't put my finger on it, but the thought of it makes me chipper!

 

Anyway, back to earth. It's mid August, it's Sunday and I'm back to work in three days time if I count this one.

 

D has just called out from the bedroom that I've been in the bath for an hour and a half. This is true. D, I'm guilty! But how can you blame a girl for holing herself up in her sanctuary?! Honestly, I could write an ode to this bathroom. My tiled salvation! I get to hang out with Molton Brown, Baylis & Harding, H20 and only the most resilient cactus ever.

 

On the agenda today is helping Sar and C move all their boxes out of their flat.

 

They live a few doors down from us on the high street but are moving out in a few days time. I said I'd clean the place for them as Sar helped out a lot on the day of my wedding (last minute sewing and perfume spraying). I'm really gonna miss them being so handy. It's strange but there is no such thing as neighbours on a high street. Everyone seems to just live in there units above shops or in between shops, down side streets, in nucks and crannies, and no one ever sees each other! People come and go, move in and out, and there isn't any community here for the people who live in the heart of it all. It's kind of bleak for your social needs, especially if like me, most of your friends have moved away.

 

Thought of the day - moving away.

 

I discussed this yesterday with D. He's 50/50 but he's open to it. I love the idea of a city, but still a leafy city. People there tend to be more open minded with their fingers on the current pulse. This town is beautiful, don't get me wrong, chocolate box in fact, but it's stagnating in a majority of the older generation who live here who refused any change! There's not that much to do.

 

After living here all my life, I feel like now with my new husband, we should look to buy a house and start a home somewhere a little more fitting to our attitudes and way of life.

 

I just want somewhere new and happening. Some excitement! Not an endless stream of up market coffee shops with the same old groups of ladies who lunch sat outside looking melancholy in designer sunglasses. You walk past and it's the same conversation, the same old handbag! A continuous merry go round of shopping, spending, drinking coffee, having lunch, drinking wine, shopping then spending, only broken by a holiday or a trip to yoga. No wonder they're trying to OD on caffeine.

 

Okay, negatives aside, it's a beautiful place with some lovely people. I have my job here and my wonderful apartment. I'm not knocking it entirely.

 

It's just sometimes, don't you ever feel like a life re-haul? A big change? Something dramatic!

 

Two years. I want to be moved out of here by no later than two years.

 

Lo x

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Spent my whole Sunday from about 11am helping our friends Sar and C move out of their apartment.

 

Cleaning, sorting, chucking - grafting! It's been kind of relaxing in a weird way! I feel really productive. Makes a change from my three days moping and slobbing about our apartment from coming back from our honeymoon. D must feel like I've slipped into the typical, boring wife everyone jokes about. Uh oh. Gotta get myself out of this moody slump, it's not good for me or him. He's so understanding though, very supportive but he tells me when I'm being an idiot. It's good for me, I don't need people constantly cutting me slack and saying 'aww' and 'poor you', it's no good for anyone who wants to move on.

 

Why is moving on and changing so hard?! Are we all really creatures of eternal habit?!

 

All this sorting out has made me want to clean out my wardrobe and get everything ready for next weekend. Because Sar is still staying where her job is (45 minutes away), and C is moving back in with his mum, we told them they could stay at ours any weekend they wanted if they needed some space as a couple away from parents. We'd make them up a spare room and leave them a key to our apartment and let them go and come as they want. I'd cook them breakfast and do all that hostess stuff I love because really, I'm a trapped 50's housewife in this 24 year old body.

 

I'm getting excited at the thought of making the study ready for them to stay whenever they want! Eeep! A vase of flowers, a decanter for some water on the night, a jar with a candle in, towels on the bed and washed dressing gowns hanging on the back of the door! I'm such a geek! GEEKING OUT OVER GUESTS!!! So sad.

 

Secretly browsing the web for small, cheap sofa beds mwahaha! D does not know this, oops!

 

What happened to saving money for a deposit? Creature of habit?! A tiger never changes his stripes and all that.

 

Scheming and planning.

 

Yours truly,

Lo x

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Busy day ahead, got to do the social round amongst family.

 

First stop is going to see D's gran who is 97 today! What a corker! She still lives by herself in her own home, an incredible woman. Must stop by and see Nic from the florists on the high street and get Gran a nice bouquet.

 

Secondly, I must see both my grandma and then my dad's mum and dad who will want to coo over wedding pictures. Note to self, buy them both a bouquet of tulips.

 

I can see myself writing thank you cards until the early morning.

 

Oh and tonight I have to face my sister because it was both my dad's and my mum's birthdays while we were away on our honeymoon. Now that's going to go down well.

 

I caved into my immature side and made a massive, bold step to remove all negativity from my life. I deleted her off Facebook! Oh my god! Heart was racing when I pressed the 'yes' button. I couldn't be bothered with her snide digs via that stupid social media network and all her self obsession! It feels great actually. But then I got a text from her late last night saying how come I just wanted to hurt her all the time and that no matter how much I wanted to push her away she would always love me. Yeah. Right. Typical emotional BS! Classic sister!

 

I'll answer all her questions tonight. I predict a riot!

 

Stomach in knots but no time to wallow - too much to do.

 

Lo x

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But then I got a text from her late last night saying how come I just wanted to hurt her all the time and that no matter how much I wanted to push her away she would always love me.

 

So she was a little **** at your wedding, but it's only because you're such a meany all the time...

 

Classic narcissism. And you know what, she probably believes it too. I've met people like that, they really do believe that everybody's picking on them.

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Isn't it thrilling to take negativity out of your life? I didn't take my sister off my FB but I blocked her. I'm sure she knows I blocked her but she has yet to say anything!

 

Hey Optimistic,

 

It really is! I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed! The thought of her and her drama was just this massive weight hanging over me. It was making me moody and D really noticed a difference. I'm supposed to be enjoying life and looking forward to a fresh start.

 

I can completely relate to you on that one! Facebook is this awful minefield when it comes to fall outs, especially family ones!

 

I hope you and your sister's relationship gets better. Thanks for all your support, I really appreciate it

 

x

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