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So she was a little **** at your wedding, but it's only because you're such a meany all the time...

 

Classic narcissism. And you know what, she probably believes it too. I've met people like that, they really do believe that everybody's picking on them.

 

Aw thanks Peter!

 

I'm so glad you understand this behaviour, it's been a real shock to me even though deep down I know she's always been like this. I presumed for one day she'd be able to respect my wishes but obviously not, grr!

 

I hope everything's looking up with your search for love, I read your journal all the time!

 

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A series of "one of those days", those feelings of "me and you against the world, babe" and lots of drives out in the middle of the night has got me back on here feeling compelled to start splurging t

A Womans Work Is Never Done   By God, is it ever.   I think it's because the hormones are everywhere maybe, I don't know, but lately, the past few weeks, EVERYTHING has been irritating me to hell.

The bomb hit and I survived!

 

Feeling revived and on track! Finally, I feel so great to have faced my sister and confronted her! I have her out of my life for a while just so I can breathe and enjoy being here!

 

It's crazy, but we just slug on keeping all these negative people in our lives because they've always been there or we feel we have to. Even if it's your family, the courage is hard to muster, but you must take a stand even if it's just for your own peace of mind.

 

Simply, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I was a nervous wreck all day, but facing her in our old bedroom we used to share for 18 years together was liberating. I've changed, she's changed, life moves fast and I'm not going to stop so she can hold me back and dog me down with her emotional blackmail and manipulation. I swear, it's been too long and a long time coming! See ya later!

 

I'm feeling a productive, happy surge, so I'm gonna jump on the wave and get off the laptop. I want to re-organise our bedroom and give everything a fluff and a spruce. D wants to hit the gym tonight, mainly the pool, jacuzzi and steam room.

 

Can I surprise myself anymore and say I'm feeling okay about having to drag my a** into work tomorrow after my long break? It's okay. Positives, focus on the positives! ARGH! Haha!

 

Listening to Ashanti and Ja Rule - 'Always On Time' - a bit of old school happiness. I'm a fan of chilled R'n'B. Guilty pleasures and all that.

 

Tuesdays aren't that bad after all.

 

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Hey Optimistic,

 

It really is! I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed! The thought of her and her drama was just this massive weight hanging over me. It was making me moody and D really noticed a difference. I'm supposed to be enjoying life and looking forward to a fresh start.

 

I can completely relate to you on that one! Facebook is this awful minefield when it comes to fall outs, especially family ones!

 

I hope you and your sister's relationship gets better. Thanks for all your support, I really appreciate it

 

x

 

Our relationship will get better when she starts acting like an adult, and more importantly a mother. There's a lot she's done that has negatively impacted my 4 year old nephew and I can't easily forgive that.

 

Hopefully with some time apart your sister will realize the error of her ways as well!

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Hey Optimisitc - I feel exactly the same way about mine. It's like they're young teenagers or worse, there's no maturity there.

 

All I can say is I'm happy I have a brother. It seems siblings of the same-sex have more troubles getting along.

 

I have heard this Victoria! I think I'd get along with a brother more! Sometimes I think siblings of the same sex can horde resentment and jealousy. I know my sister always used to compare herself to me and others, she probably wouldn't have done that if I were a guy. Glad to hear you get on

 

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Feels like first day back at school. Eurgh!

 

Why can't I just win the lottery? Maybe I should start buying a ticket first!

 

Temperature drop, dull day, 9 to 5. Can't be bothered! Where has my optimism gone from yesterday?

 

I promised myself I'd have an early night. Instead I was pulled by the evil powers of netflicks and started watching this tv series called 'Bates Motel' with D. It's like this modern, contemporary prequel of the film 'Psycho'. I thought it was gonna be rubbish and just something to veg out too, but we're both into it and I'm obsessed!

 

I was gonna go to the gym tonight but resisting that lovely red netflicks screen is gonna be tough. I am weak!

 

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go.

 

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Hey Optimisitc - I feel exactly the same way about mine. It's like they're young teenagers or worse, there's no maturity there.

 

 

 

I have heard this Victoria! I think I'd get along with a brother more! Sometimes I think siblings of the same sex can horde resentment and jealousy. I know my sister always used to compare herself to me and others, she probably wouldn't have done that if I were a guy. Glad to hear you get on

 

x

 

Yeah I think it's just easier to get along with a sibling that you don't have to compete with. As teenagers my brother and I had squabbles like everybody does. But we've only had one major disagreement since we've been adults and that was like I don't know maybe 17 years ago.

 

And I think personalities come into play as well. In my own family my brother was very laid-back and still is. He is very prepared to let everybody be who they are. Personality wise he's an extremely laid-back variation of my mother. Me ,I'm far more high strung. Part of it is I was born that way and have been that way since I was an infant and the other part is I was always expected to tow the line and perform and be perfect because I had to be an example. The other part is that we were taught family is the most important thing in the world. And we have always been told we will have only each other after our mother is gone. And that that bond is sacred and should be cherished. And we do both cherish it. And I know a lot of people are probably raised that way as well but the relationships with siblings just go awry for whatever reason. But I see a lot of people on here who have the same sex sibling just never get along with them yet their sibling of the opposite sex they get along with. I guess I just don't understand because I only have an opposite sex sibling. I do have a stepsister and a foster sister though but by the time I met my stepsister I was 25 years old and she was 14 so it's not the same. And my foster sister is only 16 so I am more like a mother than a sister.

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I think that's why me and my sisters get on so well. I have a younger sister who's 20, I'm 28 and my older sister is 30. My sisters don't have to "compete", because of the big age gap and I don't have to compete with either of them because I'm a bloke.

 

Probably the most strained relationship (relatively), is between me and my older sister, probably because we're so close together in age. We grew up together, we beat each other up, we blamed things on each other, we broke each other's stuff... She still jokingly reminds me of a time when I was about 1 year old and I threw a door-wedge at her face and drew blood (no idea how she can remember something that happened when she was 3).

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First day back at work after 3 and a half weeks off... I SURVIVED! Beyonce will be proud of me. Whats the lyrics in her song survivor?

 

'If I surround my self with positive things I'll gain prosperity.'

 

God, it feels so GOOD to have my sister out of my life for a bit! The fresh air is amazing! I guess you never really know when you're being poisoned by a toxic person because they kill you slowly, but after a bit of recovery you bounce back better than ever! Daaaaayyyyymmn!

 

Kinda ecstatic tonight! World, I'm in love! First day back under my little belt, everything went smooth and even though my day wasn't perfect (I walked into a pile of paper dumped on my desk - good morning!), I can say it doesn't matter. Perfection is thankfully not demanded by me today. I am content just the way things are.

 

I came home to an empty flat with all my wedding decorations packed in boxes scattered at different levels all up the stairs, hall, upper stairs, upper landing - chaos! I'm tripping over piles of hessian and bubble wrapped glass jars. Work heels have been left by the side of the 'shoe basket'. Sorry baby. They deserve better, they're too pretty to be chucked in with D's slippers that never get worn (but I often pinch). They're sleeping with a different crowd tonight.

 

My shoes are like extended family. The best ones live in organised boxes set in a line on top of my wardrobe. Black chunky marker on the front describes the feminine innards. 'Gold mules', 'Lime Green Heels', 'Retro Blue Wedges', 'Nude stilettos' etc. I could dream in shoes. In vintage, in patent leather, in reds and velvet and suede and embellished. Lip quiver!

 

I just refuse to wear anything less than a power heel at work. It makes no sense. Comfort? Huh?

 

I've always been struck by the striking uglyness of certain places and things in life. I remember being 8 and dragged with my sister in toe to this awful, dreary methodist thing my grandma and grandad used to go to annually. Every year, it was the same routine. This overly hot room, stifling really, full of the smell of old people. Such a hideous building, this modern church. Bleak, washed out teak all over, bombarding - you were bombarded by this awful pale but shiny fake looking wood everywhere, even in rows on the ceiling. And even the huge, blank cross above the stage was made of this stuff. I remember day dreaming between standing up and sitting down, shuffling my bum, aching from staying so still, and wondering where the glamour was? It almost pained me, the lack of glamour.

 

The whole thing was a drain. The atmosphere was politically correct, the music was this limp, un-inspiring sway routine which caused everyone to look dazed and half asleep as they mouthed the words and amazingly voices came out. Everyones mouth a weak 'O'. No passion, no fun. Old jumpers everywhere, moth balled, pleated brown skirts. A terrible length. Everything was a terrine length. Skirts ended just above ankles, jumpers sagged below bums making all the horrendously obese women look even bigger. Ties were tied painfully tight, making the old, red sagging necks of elderly men hang over their starch collars. My eyes and soul were assaulted.

 

From a young age, my heart just cried out for glamour. I love glamorous people in nature and in appearance. I love beautiful things. I love a beautiful life. I constantly pursue to surround myself with beauty and lovely things.

 

Maybe this sounds like a bash on the beige parade, don't get me wrong, I love beige, and being beige, there's nothing wrong with it, as long as you rock it. But this lack of lust in general, oh god, it's depressing. I see it everywhere. It's bleak. I've never been in anywhere so lack luster in my life as that dreary church, and don't presume it's because I have anything against religion, it just happened to be a church. I could say the same about my primary school hall or the office. Run for the hills people.

 

Well, glamour has come to town! Get your weekend dress on and shake your hair out, D's coming home and he's bringing me some food. He's been out for a beer with the guys. I love the taste of Budweiser on his mouth when I kiss him.

 

Ah, sometimes life is good. Especially the beautiful life! Cluster yourself with beauty and everything lovely, whatever you find that may be. Smother yourself in luxury, whatever your luxury may be!

 

Tonight I am serving up my husband sultry pie, and he's eating!!!!!

 

Twinkle twinkle!

 

Lo x

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I'm one of those women who can't wear heels. I wish I could. I see heels on Pinterest and I LOVE how they look but I walk like Bambi taking his first steps when I wear them. hahah.

 

Optimistic, thats so cute though! Everything gets easier with practice x

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Morning has broken, and it's broken into dull skies and a slight chill in the air.

 

I could barely open my eyes when the alarm went off (Bob Marley, 'Wait In Vain'). I'm having my routine cup of coffee in the bath chased by half a cup of peach green tea.

 

I'm feeling good. Excited, even. I'm not exactly sure why! The thought of Autumn, jumpers, blustering wind, boots, Hot Chocolate, cosy nights, candles and Christmas fill me with expectation. I love parties and celebrations of any kind, especially the intimate sort that Christmas is. I hate the family rounds though, I always have, even from being a kid, but I love friends and family coming to the apartment and decking those halls to the absolute nines! (In the most tasteful of decorations of course, haha!). I love hanging mistletoe and evergreen sprigs from our chandelier in the living room. Smells and looks brilliant. Oh, to entertain!

 

Sometimes I just feel like a trapped 50's housewife struggling to function in this female empowered world. I think it's amazing women have come this far, but when I get the secret nod or wink from another woman just because I'm working and in a professional environment, I can't help but feel belittled and offended. Why does it even matter that we're women?

 

There's a lady who owns her own business a few doors down from our apartment. She always mentions how my boss is incompetent and how she likes to leave everything to a 'professional, business woman' like myself. I find her pretty sexist! Surely you chose to deal with someone professionally based on their merits and not on their sex? You can always guarantee I'll get a wink from her when she comes into the office and hands me over some work instead of giving it to my boss. Stupid thing is, I pass it onto him anyway! I guess in her mind, the idea that a woman in a suit is dealing with it appeals more for some reason.

 

Actually, I should stop being so suspicious of people all the time, I'm being really mean. I always start to ramble, I must stop this going off topic. I'm mentally off roading!

 

My mind really has a hard time focusing on one thing. I can barely keep my concentration up on one task at work for more than 10 minutes and then I start thinking about something else or starting something new. It drives me insane! A slap on the wrist for me!

 

I find myself slipping into daydreams and drifting above reality. Two conversations seem to be playing, one in my head and the other outside when people speak. I really need to chill my brain down, it's crazy.

 

So, back to feeling good, especially for a grey morning.

 

I need to quit this damn job. I really do. After being away so long I realised how b****y boring it is. I will have been there 3 years now. Thats the longest time I've ever stuck to a job, and I only think it's because I've been part time. In fact I know it. If it had been full time I probably would have lasted a year, thats my normal track record. Everything grows stale when nothing moves on. I'm still doing the same old things I did three years ago.

 

My boss wants me to start coming in and working a Monday afternoon for 3 and a half hours. I did this for nearly 2 years after my good friend and college W suggested it to him because I was desperate for more hours. I mean ideally, I practically begged him for full time for half a year solid. He aways kept me hanging and still to this day hasn't technically said no, but I know and he knows it's never going to happen.

 

It's an awkward shift that I asked to drop a few weeks ago that he agreed too. D wants me to start working for him on a Monday and Tuesday. I need to find the assertive girl inside of me and simply say I can't do it. I can, but I don't want too. And he's been just as awkward over hours before. I need full time or part time there, not a weird mixture of both thats only convenient to him. I never signed a contract and originally the deal was only to work the end of the week.

 

I'm not going to get pent up over it and I'm not going to make a big deal out of whats going to be a simple, friendly, polite discussion about hours. I'm an adult now and I need to stop freaking out over every little thing that causes me a smidge of discomfort. Who enjoys this s**t? Surely no one! I avoid it at all costs! Confront it woman, don't scurry.

 

I'm going to come out with it this morning before his son is in the office. It's best to do these things without an audience.

 

Pass me a brown bag.

 

Lo x

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I absolutely love your writing style by the way!

 

I love autumn. It's my favorite time of year. Christmas is my favorite holiday (my husband literally has to lock me away from my 25 boxes of Christmas decorations because by Sept I'm ready to decorate!) I was burning a pumpkin spice candle last night and I just can't wait for those chilly autumn nights!

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I absolutely love your writing style by the way!

 

I love autumn. It's my favorite time of year. Christmas is my favorite holiday (my husband literally has to lock me away from my 25 boxes of Christmas decorations because by Sept I'm ready to decorate!) I was burning a pumpkin spice candle last night and I just can't wait for those chilly autumn nights!

Me too!.....

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I absolutely love your writing style by the way!

 

I love autumn. It's my favorite time of year. Christmas is my favorite holiday (my husband literally has to lock me away from my 25 boxes of Christmas decorations because by Sept I'm ready to decorate!) I was burning a pumpkin spice candle last night and I just can't wait for those chilly autumn nights!

Can I second this? Lo you have one of the most delightful writing styles...it's really enjoyable to read. I find myself sometimes think "aww, I wish someone would write or think about me like that"

 

Regardless, I have nothing to add really...looking forward to keeping track of you and D. I can relate to your entry about freezing time, I catch myself realizing in those perfect moments of life to just enjoy them and relish in them.. can't freeze time, so we better soak it up when we can.

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Optimistic, Victoria, Bigg - thank you! You are all very, very sweet I can't believe anyone would want to read this junk but it really does help me when I can splurge everything online to people I don't know and who won't judge. All I can say is thank you! It means a lot.

 

Big - I feel that way all the time! I can also say I'm sure there's a person you don't know who secretly admires you! D doesn't even know I'm writing about him so it's wasted anyway Wait till we have an argument and you'll understand why it's anonymous! Ha!

 

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Wishing I had a robot version of me that I could send off into the big bad world of the work place to do all my boring chores.

 

Often I find myself having a teenage moment - 'It's not FAAAAIIIR!' I long for it to be acceptable for adults to break into tantrums.

 

Part of growing up for me has been learning to accept you can't just run away. I still wrestle with this responsibility daily. The impulse to do one is intense sometimes.

 

When I was 4, my mum took me to nursery at my local primary school. This was supposed to ease you into 'big girl school' and make the transition less painful. I can remember days filled with colouring, reading, watching tv and playing before nursery. Sometimes my mum would drive me and my sister out on a Saturday in her beat up gold Toyota (which to me was the height of glamour). It used to have a polka dot, material ceiling. I'd look up at that kooky pattern and blur my eyes, causing a mass of washed out dots to drift from the ceiling and fall around me. The illusion would fade as soon as my vision cleared and I tried to look down at my lap. Mum would play M People, The Specials, UB40, Madonna and Michael Jackson. We'd all sing along.

 

So I went from freedom, magic and Madonna to this awful box of a building on raised metal legs. Honestly looking back I thought this was my stupid kid mind remembering it that way and that surely, the foundation must of been more sophisticated. I happened to be back a few years ago and I'll be damned - metal legs. Metal legs with weeds underneath.

 

Anyway, my mum then was just the vision of beauty. She was young and waif like and natural. Her teeth protrude ever so slightly which gave her small lips this constant pout. High cheekbones, washed out jeans with a rip in the knee. I half died over how cool she was, like something still out of the 80's, even though the 80's ended 4 years ago with me popping out.

 

It just didn't seem fair that after all the days of constant fun I had to go to kiddy jail.

 

The place was uninspiring and smelt of cleaning products. I attached myself to a bean bag by one of the windows and when I realised my mum was leaving me there I used to curl up on it and try to sleep most of the day off.

 

At first I cried. I did everything I could to NOT be left in that place. This went on for weeks, months even. I wasn't going to make it easy for her to dump me here while my younger sister still got to stay home. Once the morning battle was over and I'd made my stand, I used to stare out of the window for about half an hour. I'd daydream a lot throughout the day like this. I always remember the weather being dull and raining. Maybe thats because I felt that way, but I never really remember the summer there, bar a few outstanding days.

 

When the clock struck home time I'd watch all the mums gathering outside, none as glamorous as mind of course, and the excitement would bubble over. All was forgiven. She'd be there with a packet of sweets or the promise to go to the corner shop and get these delectable mini tomato crisps (HEAVEN!). It was all worth it for the crisps until the next morning rolled around.

 

When the doors opened, all us pathetic kids would have our coats on and back packs strapped awkwardly to our bodies with jumpers tangled in the straps and key chains hanging off the zips. I'd be the first and I'd run, no, sprint for my life, arms stretched open to my mum in ripped jeans, baggy shirt, her green eyes smiling at me through that heavy fringe. And thus the routine of me sprinting out to see my mum, running away from the institution began.

 

The little girl inside me still wants to turn heel and sprint for the hills. This time there's no back pack and no key ring collection that I've swapped with friends. It's restricting shirts and pressed cigarette trousers. It's 9 to 5.

 

From the age of 16 since I started working, I've ran away from every job I ever started. I've had so many. Embarrassing.

 

I've walked out three times, simply not gone in the next day or just quit and served my leave. I never stuck at anything. Even in college, it was a miracle I even got good grades after flunking most of my final year shopping and going on solo journeys by train to people watch and walk around town to my favourite track on my iPod.

 

So here I am, coffee by the side of the bath again and another day another dollar, the inner little Lo in me wanting to run for the hills. I guess in a way, any respite I get at work, any moment to talk with W is my bean bag. Mentally, I get a chance to curl up and delight in relief from the whole thing for just a second.

 

Don't get me wrong, my boss is fair and my job is not hell. I'm very lucky. But the grind! Somehow, no one prepares you for it as a kid. No one talks about mortgages and why it's important to go through the work house of school. I desperately battle with the adultness of it all.

 

It's hard to change. It's taken me 6 years and counting, all with the help of D and other kind people who I've been lucky enough to have fall into my life.

 

It's a strange old business, is life. Sometimes you've got to roll with it. But don't roll with it too much that your head falls off. I must realise when my breaking point is coming and take action before I snap, or, as track record has proven, run for the hills.

 

I couldn't run anyway. These loafers are ridiculous.

 

x

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Can't wait for the weekend, even though I'm working half of Saturday. There's something beautiful about bank holidays, it's like just as you're thinking damn, I really could do with a break, you get hit with a surprise bank holiday, the savour of all savours.

 

Got to get this apartment in order for Saturday night when I can really let my hair down. I don't have a clue what to wear but I fancy something slinky. I've never been one to party, but lets just throw caution to the wind for this weekend and go out with my new husband, Sar and C, my favourite couple.

 

Todays end can't come fast enough for me. Sorry to rush my life away, but I'm done with Friday and I need the weekend to hurry it's self up! It needs a one way ticket to my place with no return. Surely heaven would just be an external weekend?

 

Shuffling and swaying to 'Laid Back - Bakerman Soul Clap Remix'. It reminds me of a weird house version of a David Bowie song mixed in with some Dire Straits. Love love love! Perfect for cleaning and busying yourself with plans.

 

Got to get some flowers in these vases and some ice in the freezer. Prepare this apartment for guests! Oh to be rich and to say that to my surfs! 'Prepare this house, we have guests!' STOCK THE BAR! Free drinks flowing! Orchids in the bedrooms, scented candles alight in jars in the bathroom. Yes yes, to just mooch around in a huge house in a silk robe... everyone says they'd get bored doing nothing, but I'd rather be bored in a silk robe than bored chained to a desk pleading for my lunch break.

 

Weeeeekeeeend!

 

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I'm pretty sure I have OCD.

 

Since I can remember, I would wake up extra early to go downstairs before anyone was up to do my cleaning and switching about of things. My mum had this green, thick pile carpet. When anyone walked on it they left a little squished pile foot print. This used to annoy my so much, so my little 7 year old self would wake up early and hand smooth the whole carpet into lines that all went the same way. The result was that of Wimbledon cut grass.

 

I would move plants, start dusting - I had to do this routine. It only got worse as I got older, and by time I was at secondary school before any friends would come round I would madly rush and hurry about the house cleaning every little nook and cranny. Wiping the kitchen floor, cleaning inside the fridge and freezer, doing the washing up, making the beds and stuffing any of my sisters left over c**p under the bed. I was manic when I was cleaning in a time ticking frenzy and my stress levels with soar sky high, but somehow, I just HAD to do it!

 

Fast forward to the present day. It's Saturday and I'm ready to chill out for the weekend. It's lunch and I've just nipped back to the flat to get some old clothes to change into because I agreed to do some extra time and clean the office. Oh god, there's D and C, the apartment has been turned upside down and my wardrobes are dismantled. The bedroom is a bomb site.

 

So looking back, D was trying (in his own special, sweet way) to give me a surprise. I'd said for ages I wanted to turn the study into a guest room and being lovely he'd decided to get C on board with some extra man power and change things around a bit to make it so. I came back unexpected and I don't know what came over me.

 

With me, everything has it's place and has to be in it's right place. This was the worst thing that could happen. And I had guests coming over in 5 hours and they were sleeping. I just wanted peace, not this mass of furniture chaos.

 

After C left, I could just feel my stress levels bubbling over. My head was pounding, I was tired. No excuse. But honestly, the most stupid feeling of despair was washing over me. I felt like I was drowning in irrational thoughts. I know they're stupid, but at the time I felt completely isolated from my near perfect world. I flipped out at D and I'm really ashamed. And when I say flipped, I mean tears and slamming my hand on the wall and chucking stuff onto the mass of stuff that was already on the bed.

 

Looking back, I can't believe I let myself go on like that. I'm supposed to be a grown woman, not some angst ridden teen with a mental problem. I'm supposed to be in control, and all control was lost. I really did lose it, big style.

 

We got everything sorted for Sar and C coming over later and I apologise to C for being in such a mood. I thanked him for helping D with all the bulky furniture. Me and D couldn't enjoy the night after our huge argument but pretended everything was fine and no one suspected any fall out. This was made worse by how in love Sar and C were. They couldn't keep there hands off each other and me and D were sat a foot apart on the couch with a glass in our hands looking blank. Oh gawwwwd.

 

I was looking forward to this weekend so badly and now, because of me, it was awkward and lonely. D's still off with me and has said he still feels weird over the argument and that he needs some time just to get back to normal, so he gave me a lot of space this weekend. What resulted was me feeling sorry for myself and sitting on the couch with the curtains drawn watching a whole season of 'Bojack Horseman' in a moody slump.

 

I'm trying my absolute best to be the wife I want to be from now on. I need to make it up to him. I've served him breakfast in bed with a napkin on the mornings and I've made sure to wear my most sexy and fantastic night slips to bed with lipstick. I'm desperately trying to get back in his good books. The distance I've caused between us is painful, I just wish I could take it back and pretend like nothing ever happened.

 

I guess this is how 18 year old Lo used to act. Flipping out over anything and being a hot head. I thought I had this under control. Nothing for years, no major jealousy like before, just nothing. I even thought I was cured!

 

OCD, why? Why am I a freak? Is it just because of you or is it other things inside me that I can't explain? I don't feel normal and I'm so ashamed of my behaviour.

 

Generally, I feel low. I hated the weekend and I hate today - stupid work.

 

It's all my fault! I need to pull myself out of this awful lull and get back in the saddle. I can't believe what a complete d**k I am. I need to start taking actions to better myself and my life. D doesn't deserve me at my worst, sometimes he really is too good for me.

 

Signing off really disappointed in myself with my tail between my legs. Even a good outfit at work is not going to pull me out of this stupor. So thats it, warts and all. For better or for worse. God, I can give a good worse. Humiliating. I need a list! A really good go to list and something pro-active.

 

Aim: to make a list this afternoon.

 

Getting ready to steal office scrap paper and put this plan into action. Lets get ticking boxes to make myself feel better.

 

Stupid idiot blergijbpkbmblglllllkkkkk!!!!!!

 

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Hm, I'm actually the same way Mylotia. I'm not OCD when it comes to cleaning but the 'everything has its place' part of it. And other weird things like all the hangers have to be facing the same way in the closet. I guess maybe I do have the cleaning bit but that's just for me. I have this weird thing of before we go on vacation I mass clean (while trying to pack, which always ends up just stressing me out more) because when I come home I want to walk into a spotless house. It's weird.

 

And I'm the same way about outbursts. Only 18 year old OG is still 26 year old OG. My husband and I have endearingly called them Mad Cow moments. I'm a relatively level headed person but sometimes all thought flies out of my mind and I just loose it. But I've learned through the years stress is my biggest trigger for those moments. I don't handle stress well and that is how I manifest that problem. I don't think it was so much you came home to an unperfect bedroom but the stress just kind of built until it bubbled over.

 

It's something I think I will always have to work on. L knows that crazy side of me and accepts it and knows that if I've reached that point, I am beyond stressed.

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Why can't I just admit to myself that I'm a addictive spender, a shopaholic nervous mess fuelled by anxiety, self obsession, self loathing, coffee and the latest Autumn / Winter trends for 2014.

 

I've moved on from not just mildly disliking my job but now I've seemed to have thrown myself into full on hatred for it. This has developed at a nice pace of break neck for the past few months leaving me irritable and with a constant dark cloud of dissatisfaction and disappointment hanging over me.

 

I don't make enough money, I don't contribute (hey freeloading wife) and I get stressed out over not being able to get the right sofa bed and having to go make small talk with old and near death family.

 

I woke up and the only good thought I could muster this morning was that it was dull enough to wear a polo neck jumper and that I might spend an hour browsing online clothes shopping before work.

 

I get down from time to time and then I'm really high, but I'm not a manic depressant - I'm just a regular girl who has a weak chin and can't take it. What really p****s me off is that I smile at people I hate and I take for granted people I love.

 

Oh woe is me, woe is me this morning!!!

 

I even forced myself to become a fricken' morning person and believed it as I happily sprung up for my new 9 to 5 at the good old office fighting the good fight (rewind to me, 21, trying to be a wholesome person).

 

I constantly wrestle with the fact that I am truly a free thing who used to be an erotic dancer and loved it. I am terrified, absolutely terrified of this fact coming out in the small office I wallow in three days a week and sometimes four if I'm getting lucky.

 

Pole dancer, lap dancer, stripper... any of those will do.

 

Ah, my past life. My velvet underground. I daydream of turning back but sometimes it feels like I'm running away, running back to easy street. Easy money, easy work, easy time. Maybe the rose tinted glasses are on some but I can't deny the option to turn back and be a scandalous - gasp - stripper really does float my boat when I vegetate for 8 hours staring at a grey, badly panelled cheap wall with my useless certificate. It has the wrong last name now anyway.

 

God damn you last December, I was so hopeful! I thought everything would be better and it's all my fault.

 

My best friend Miss G came around on Tuesday and I felt so bland, like some useless shadow of myself, as even her, a b****y teacher, has more exciting sexual adventures than me. My inner nymphet curled up and died over a glass of 4% tropical cocktail mix on a Tuesday afternoon.

 

Somethings wrong, very wrong. I can feel a shift inside myself that I don't like and it makes me feel uneasy and unstable.

 

Oh god, calm down! Think of the list. I must make my list today. I got the pen and paper out this morning, the intentions were there but I didn't quite follow through. No worries, it'll still be there in a few hours time. Something about writing old school pen and paper is very relaxing.

 

Just carry on, everything's fine. I'm feeling dramatic and it's no good.

 

D's had his breakfast which, can I add, was presented exquisitely. My good deed for today is already accomplished and let's agree that more are due to roll in. At least he's had his vitamin C.

 

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