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Diary Of A Redhead


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Ah, chocolate, you sweetheart. You melt my heart! I feel warm for eating you. Yum.

 

The chocolate perks happened and I'm ready to make my little list on my lunch break. Okay, here goes, my 'TO DO':

 

- Finished sorting out the rest of your wardrobe and get rid of any old clothes you never wear (no, you're NOT going to maybe wear it because it's been there 5 years).

 

- Book a reservation for me and D for a soul house night at that new club.

 

- Start eating healthier and going to the gym (you've paid for it, remember?).

 

- Start your pole dancing lessons.

 

- Be more positive and stop being such a drag (honestly, it's wearing thin).

 

- Finish off the guest room.

 

- Start saving.

 

- Be a totally vivacious wife. Bubble girl, bubble!

 

That should do it for now, it's enough to be getting on with for my level of motivation at the moment. Generally, things have picked up from my outburst this morning. I felt like sitting there and angrily tearing up toilet paper. The frustrations passed and I'm slowly beginning to look forward to the weekend again. Oh man, please, it has to be better than the last one (my fault), because D will end up regretting his 'I Do' if I carry on being psycho wife.

 

Can we add must learn how to cook and world peace to that list? Becoming a millionaire without any effort would be great as well. Just thought I might add it incase this list is magical and wishes do come true.

 

I've been making a little wish list of my own that involve winter clothes and things I apparently NEED! Every girl NEEDS heeled boots and a few nice coats etc. It would be criminal to deny myself these simple pleasures. Or maybe I should stop being a selfish brat and realise that when I open my wardrobe it is not acceptable and truly embarrassing to have an avalanche of clothes fall at my feet.

 

For some reason I'm fixating on sleep wear. Maybe it's because I've been wallowing in my own self pity lately which has meant some serious down time on the couch. This calls for suitable lounge wear thats comfortable but not hideous. I don't want cartoons on everything as well unless it's retro and tasteful. Why do designers think grown women want Mickey Mouse and little ducks on our pants when we might also be having sex in these god awful rags?

 

I would rather be prepared in a silk robe and have it not happen than unprepared in my Daffy Duck pjs and have to watch a manly hand run up my thigh (passing that awful novelty pattern). It can be cute, but not this way, no no.

 

Maybe if I ever am single, alone, depressed, fat and putting in 6 hours plus on the couch with no one to witness my mess I would maybe consider wearing such a thing. But I really, desperately draw the line at teddies in the bedroom. There is never, ever an excuse for this if you are over 16. Frankly, it's creepy. Imagine all their little black beaded eyes staring blankly at you trying to get down to it? I can't go on, it's too disturbing.

 

I'm so off track today. I apologise if anyone has teddies or comic pjamas, really, you're fine. Ignore me.

 

I wish I could blame this on hormones but if I did I would just be hormonal 365 days of the year and thats pretty bleak. My sister once told me that living with a male makes your hormones go absolutely whacko and I liked the idea of that because it gave me justification and an excuse. It's all D's fault. This whole journal is D's fault because if I didn't live with him then my mood would be on an even keel and I would be content with no dips and troughs ever. He has a lot to answer for has that D.

 

I need to wrap a present that needs to be dropped off tonight. Jesus, strike me down, the excitement of my life is getting too much.

 

This is coming accross really ungrateful and the list was supposed to make me feel better but now I feel stressed because I'm realising I have quite a lot to get done. Time to get the scissors and paper out. I really enjoy wrapping, it's a geek hobby of mine. I just can't be bothered with it today though.

 

Chocolate crash. Boom.

 

Lo x

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A series of "one of those days", those feelings of "me and you against the world, babe" and lots of drives out in the middle of the night has got me back on here feeling compelled to start splurging t

A Womans Work Is Never Done   By God, is it ever.   I think it's because the hormones are everywhere maybe, I don't know, but lately, the past few weeks, EVERYTHING has been irritating me to hell.

Maybe you just haven't found the career for you yet?

 

I don't see anything wrong with stripping/exotic dancer per say, I know a lot of girls I graduated high school with danced to pay their way through law or medical school. It's obviously not a first choice option but hey.

 

What about your current job attracted you to it?

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One step at a time Lo as far as the list goes! Focus on one thing then go onto the next one.

 

As far as your job goes, sounds really depressing when you write about it! You need to find something you love! Sounds like stripping was more exciting, was there any drawbacks? I can't imagine it checks the mental stimulation box in an intellectual sense, but I bet it's exciting which is the opposite of your current job. Perhaps a job change or search is in order?

 

 

Hey and lay off the comic pajama bashing...nothing wrong with a grown man wearing Tasmanian devil boxers to bed... (with matching shirt and socks naturally)

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Hey and lay off the comic pajama bashing...nothing wrong with a grown man wearing Tasmanian devil boxers to bed... (with matching shirt and socks naturally)

 

hahaha! I have a pair of Tinkerbell PJ bottoms... now every time my husband and I get down while I'm wearing them I won't be able to stop laughing thinking of Lo's description.

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One step at a time Lo as far as the list goes! Focus on one thing then go onto the next one.

 

As far as your job goes, sounds really depressing when you write about it! You need to find something you love! Sounds like stripping was more exciting, was there any drawbacks? I can't imagine it checks the mental stimulation box in an intellectual sense, but I bet it's exciting which is the opposite of your current job. Perhaps a job change or search is in order?

 

 

Hey and lay off the comic pajama bashing...nothing wrong with a grown man wearing Tasmanian devil boxers to bed... (with matching shirt and socks naturally)

 

Please accept my humble apologies Big - I'm sure you pull them off nicely! Excellent! Can I just add there are exceptions? Haha!

 

You're right about the career cross roads, I'm really disliking my desk job at the mo and maybe it's pushing me back into my former wild years where things were exciting. I think I'm trying to get my old self back and I feel like going back to dancing will achieve this... but probably not! Always appreciate any advice, I'm always open to suggestions.

x

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hahaha! I have a pair of Tinkerbell PJ bottoms... now every time my husband and I get down while I'm wearing them I won't be able to stop laughing thinking of Lo's description.

 

Optimistic, I am sure they look the sweetest on you Hey, Tinkerbell is hot haha! I am officially the basher of all comic print pjama's (watch me buy some soon!).

 

x

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I'm feeling better today, phew.

 

D had a heart to heart with me last night. We went out to get a late burger and he said he could tell I'd been down. The boy doesn't mince his words and it was pretty much a verbal shake to get a grip or I'm just going to spend my life miserable and wallowing in anxiety and self pity.

 

The worst part of it is that he's right. So I've pinched myself and woke up feeling a little bit refreshed - it's a start.

 

I'm listening to Sade 'Your Love Is King'. It's such a corny track but I can't help but love it, it never fails to make me feel great and want a slow dance in the middle of the living room.

 

Work has been painless today, a smooth day all in all. A smooth song for a smooth day.

 

Lo x

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I feel a shift and I've been here before.

 

It always happens when I reach the point of realising I'm fed up. It's mostly boredom and dissatisfaction, it catches up to me every time I run away.

 

I've been in a strange mood for the last few weeks and I haven't been myself. Everyone says don't look back, move forward - but the person I used to be in some way never failed to surprise me and fills me with secret admiration. I look in the mirror at the girl I am now and see dark circles and a blank expression. I want back into fun and freedom and doing whatever I want. I want happiness, I chose happiness! You've gotta do what you've gotta do, and no amount of relationship security or self help books will get me there. No, I don't need therapy and yes, I just need a slap. A mental slap.

 

I want to re-vamp myself. I need a come back!

 

I'm stuck in this stagnant pond moving no further forward and it's all my fault. I've complacently let myself sink whilst watching from the side lines - the excuse, 'I can't'. Always 'I can't'. I couldn't swim, and now I can. Literally and figuratively. Its time to dive in and push myself in the deep end for once.

 

I met up with my college W today on my lunch break and we had a chat about work. She feels exactly the same as me about the job but she's nearly 60 and doesn't mind part time work and being stuck in a small office with no hope of moving up any ladders. The job description suits her fine, but it's not compatible with what I want or what I need. It's definitely not compatible with who I am.

 

My mentality when it comes to work has always been 'What can I do and give for this employer?' Maybe it should be 'What can this employer do and give to me?'. I'm sick of my servitude mentality, it makes me totally pathetic and a major push over.

 

I'm not looking for approval and I don't need anyone but myself to tell me I'm doing fine. I need to know it and I need to make myself happy, because when I'm not, everyone I love around me is miserable as well.

 

A shadow of myself has been living with D since probably well before we got married. This grey matter has been slouching around the house, slumping on the couch, dazed, loosing sleep over bad dreams, stressing and flitting over the smallest things, having hysterical, tearful outbursts and generally being a real irritable good for nothing b***h. It's got to stop. I need the colour back in my life and I need 100% of me back in the saddle.

 

I've just got to say 'I've got this' and move on.

 

I refuse to believe we are doomed to repeat our mistakes over and over again. I refuse to wallow any longer! Life is beautiful and to be lived, not to slowly pass you by in a series of uneventful, dull days that link into months then years filled with nothing and resentment towards the fact that there's nothing. I have to do something.

 

I remember when I was 19, I remember this well. I met up with Miss G (best friend) at a local cafe, a nice cafe, rather posh (we're such tarts) and I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. I felt like I was shaking. Finally, I felt alive! It was so good to have done something just for me, to throw off the shackles of convention, what I should or should not do, to say f***k it! Society, I don't give a damn! And god, I was happy, therefore everything else was happy in the world of Lo.

 

I'd just finished my first week of working in a strip bar as an exotic dancer and I was about to break it to my best friend.

 

I was young and hot headed and a little crazy but god, I was so happy. Relief washed over me in constant waves for weeks, even months after, practically glowing with the knowledge that eventually, after years of s****y minimum wage nothing jobs, I'd found something I loved! The perfect job for me!

 

When we were at secondary school, we had a phase of useless Tutorials where we all bundled into small computer rooms. We had to answer about 100 questions on our personality, things we liked, strengths, weaknesses, hobbies and skills. At the end you got a list of 10 occupations that were best matched for you from the computer. I swear, if it had been legal, pole dancer would of been my number 1.

 

The job was made for me, and I was made for the job. I'd do it for minimum wage. It made me feel alive and beautiful and I got to dance the way I've always danced, which is sexy, which to me is the only way any woman should dance. I mean, what other way is there?

 

I know the amount of nay saying and opinions people have about this legal but very adult profession. And yes, it is a profession. Sign your name for a profession in seduction and a course in sultry poise. It's a skill and yes, it's the only skill I truly believe I have.

 

I'm craving another bite at this oh so dark and delicious cherry. The apple of temptation.

 

I cannot pretend, as I watch copy after copy of A4 go through the printer, that I am a happy little office worker doing her darned best at her wholesome 9 to 5. The 5 inch heels with a pencil skirt suit are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my true expression in this expressionless environment of grey and flickering monitor screens. There is no expression in an office, there is only efficiency, deadlines, phones ringing and robots answering them.

 

I'm no ones master but my own and this monkey only dances when she wants too.

 

I've got this, no, I need this, and no one can stop me but myself.

 

Lo x

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Hey Lo, first off apology accepted, I do make them look good. As far as your feelings and sentiments, a lot of this is probably coming from the absolute boredom from your day-to-day job...there is no passion when you write about your work days...borderline depressing. You know you were happy dancing because it was much better money, so this is a great alternative for you. My suggestion is changing it up, and realizing like you're writing...you can do whatever you want. If your job makes you so unhappy, change it. Also explore other possibilities. I don't think there is anything wrong with dancing, but I'd suggest looking at longer term avenues because you don't want to be in this position once age takes your looks and you have no fallback plan. Essentially don't be short-sighted and perhaps explore more possibilities? Hell, maybe hold down two jobs? I often had similar feelings in certain jobs that felt absolutely mind numbing and it made me want to run away from "conventional" jobs. Now I am slowly carving out a way towards something I can see myself being happy doing into my old age, I'm changing this at age 29, by the time I'm done I'll be 32-33 and not really worried about it, since I will have another 30 years after that of working...so why not change now, rather than wake up when I'm in my 40's and depressed about this to the point of no return. I'm wondering if you've ever considered completely different fields that could make you happy but are stuck on this "boring office job" or dancing. I would often make these black and white comparisons in my mind, and they usually led me to inaction. (In my example, I always considered studying again as this insurmountable treacherous mountain that I can't even attempt so why bother, and then it leads to a depressing office job since all office jobs are depressing. So I wonder if you perhaps have similar thought processes that block out any other possibility, it's either dancing or depressing office jobs, nothing in the middle?

 

If none of this makes sense I apologize, I'm still running on handfuls of dayquil

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Hi Big,

 

Thank you for your great response! I have taken on a lot if not most of what you have said because it really makes sense. Deep down I know exotic dancing isn't a long term career choice and just like any job based on youth and beauty once you hit 30 it's pretty much over.

 

I do have a back plan which is to get really technically good on the pole and eventually teach it. It's a really popular type of dance class thats trending at the moment and I feel like not many places offer it but a lot of women are interested, sometimes for toning, sometimes for building confidence or learning how to move seductively. I don't know, I don't have much of a plan at all but I know that I'm happiest when I'm self employed (like when I was a dancer).

 

I do value your voice of reason! Kudos!

 

Lo x

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This isn't going to be a profound post into the depths of my childhood, simply a bit of an update on whats been going on in the life of a scatter brain since I've been away from this journal for a few days.

 

I went to London for three nights with D. I love love love being on the road! I clean all the car and get everything ready, kinda comfy travelling clothes, fresh hand wipes and tissues in the glove compartment, a bottle of water and of course my iPhone topped and charged with all my favourite playlists so when a few hours have gone by and everything slips into a comfortable silence I can put my headphones on and watch everything going on outside. It's become custom to wear no socks and cross my feet over the dashboard.

 

There's something so gorgeous and cosmopolitan about driving around London. I love watching everyone dash around or stroll through Hyde Park. I look up at all the outrageously expensive apartments with chandeliers in the windows and imagine who lives there and what their life is like. The fashion always varies and is mostly achingly hip depending on where you are. D drops off antiques people have bought so we get to see some simply ah-maze-ing houses. We also meet some truly eccentric and artistic people, we also meet some d***s, but the lovely customers outweigh the brats.

 

On Thursday night before we went away we hit a local town bar and saw a live band (yes, on a school night - hyperventilating). We ended up going with C and meeting the lovely and very sweet Rose who'd just finished her bar shift. Everyone ended up coming back to the flat and I got no sleep for the next day, but it was well worth it.

 

I've felt way more chilled out this weekend and pretty optimistic about the future.

 

After speaking with W about work I decided it's time to move on. Her daughter works as a head for recruitment at a business and she said if I handed in my CV I might get an interview. It is full time and it's better money, but D was a little hesitant because he knows how I can't manage full time in an office (well, I can barely manage part time). The optimistic head I've had on this weekend has said that no, it's not fair that he works all the hours he's given and I sit back and get to enjoy a 4 day weekend. I really want to start helping him out more financially and I think it'll feel good if I'm doing it for someone else and not just myself. Plus, we want to buy a house and it'll help with getting a deposit together.

 

Anyway, I've been feeling pretty cheeky and addicted to my new husband lately. We did something we haven't done in ages which is, third day of driving home and the sun was amazing while we were driving through country side, so we both felt super horny and decided to pull the car over and quickly f**k in the woods against a tree. Jesus, forgive me, but we're married now so surely it's okay? Maybe I shouldn't of revealed but I'm kinda beaming still from our adventurous love spree so yes, father forgive me, for I have sinned!

 

In other boring news, I'm STILL on with sorting my damned wardrobe and closet spaces. I keep re-sorting out the stuff I think I've got done and throwing more stuff out. It's really cleansing.

 

I also have my first professionally taught pole lesson in two days time. The course runs for 4 sessions. At least it makes me pro-actively do something and move towards my vague goal.

 

Oh and I'm being the nude model for a famous British sculpture artist. Yes, I am going to have a bronze nude version of myself immortalised and yes, they're going to be on sale. Instead of getting paid I asked if I could have a copy of one instead (this post is starting to get weirder and weirder, sorry), and he said yes, which makes me feel very jammy as his sculptures go for thousands of pounds. You might think how did I get to do this? Well D deals with a lot of people in the art world and having no t**s seems to have come in handy for something.

 

Keeping myself busy seems to be the key to not falling into my spiral of wallowing. I'm so broke though. I have no money at all. I spent most of my wages once I got paid on clothes I don't need. Classic, text book me. I feel like I need to go to a shopaholics anonymous. Or ban myself from online shopping at the very least, it's no good.

 

I can't wait till D comes home so that we can have a bath together and relax. Sick bucket please, I'm feeling quite the little loved up wifey!

 

I'm kind of feeling some happy nostalgia as well because for some reason this morning I picked up my Manga collection of 'Nana' and started to re-read the whole thing. I only have up to volume 9 and have always meant to buy the rest (there's tonnes), but I found this site where I can read it for free, so between cleaning and scurrying around the flat trying to organise myself today, I've kept treating myself with a quick read and a cup of coffee before it's back to my personal mission.

 

Just to add to my stupid glee at the moment (little things make me happy), I discovered a great song that I've had on my phone but never listened too. I love the band but dig, really dig, this song. It's chilled and lovely. 'Cherry' by the Chromatics. To top this beautiful evening off as the sun starts to set, I have it on repeat.

 

I can't wait to put some lipstick on and see my man. Hopefully work won't be too much of a chore tomorrow.

 

Fingers crossed, things seemed to have picked up.

 

Lo x

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Your road trip sounds something exactly I am yearning for! Everyone once in awhile I get that feeling of "I need to get out of this city." It sounds like you guys really connected and I love when that builds up to closeness and intimacy so much you have to pull over the car! Good for you! I will say a few hail mary's for you.

 

Staying busy is usually the key to my success as far as steering clear of self-defeating thoughts, although sometimes (as revealed in my journal) it's a method to push things out and not deal with them.

 

Gonna check out the song love the Chromatics!

 

 

Glad I could help, seems as though I have a voice of reason until it sometimes comes to myself and my own thoughts and emotions and then I lose grip occasionally.

 

Being self-employed is wonderful and can be a curse...I've ran a personal training studio, and I loved it, but I also just got a little bit burnt by it. Partially I think during the time, I wasn't in the right place yet...partially I just wasn't motivated enough. I wish I could re-do it, I'd do things differently now, but personally after going through that and being successful and failing to a certain point opened up my eyes that perhaps for ME long term I don't see it happening. If you have the passion for it though you can definitely make it happen, teach it, create a program, train others to do it and get a studio going. Here in Southern California there is one highly successful pole dancing studio that is booked up all the time.

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I wish we had a pole dancing class near us (nearest one is 30 minutes). I'd be the most uncoordinated person there but they say it's a great form of exercise without feeling like you are exercising.

 

Your trip sounds lovely!! Hubby and I are currently at the airport coming home from our city getaway (we came back to New York for a few days). No hot sex on a tree though - I wish!

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I wish we had a pole dancing class near us (nearest one is 30 minutes). I'd be the most uncoordinated person there but they say it's a great form of exercise without feeling like you are exercising.

 

Your trip sounds lovely!! Hubby and I are currently at the airport coming home from our city getaway (we came back to New York for a few days). No hot sex on a tree though - I wish!

 

Optimistic, I can't help but think you sound so lovely and sweet! I hope you and your husband had a great trip!

 

Thanks for all your feedback, I can't believe you would read this verbal garbage!

 

Lo x

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I walk past the Library on our high street nearly every day. This is the same library I used to sneak off too, away from college and lessons, to write daily thoughts whilst listening to my headphones.

 

I love the way it always smelt of musky old books, and the way the light poured through the windows in the way only light does when it's coming through the panes in a library. I used to watch the dust particles dancing in the rays. Peaceful, quiet, non-judgemental. The world of the library is beautiful, mysterious and studious. It begs you to reflect.

 

I sat there at 16, 17, 18 - I threw away everything I ever wrote there but gave one thing to my best friend Miss G. I completely forgot about this embarrassing four paged letter I'd wrote to no one (for some reason I gave it to her?). She sent it to me last week and I couldn't help but cringe. I also felt a pang of longing and disappointment. The half days spent in the library were filled with feelings of an unsure future but never the less an amount of optimism I look back in envy of. I was young but felt old and I had my whole life ahead of me. I read a page of optimism from my past self and it made my heart ache.

 

Now I walk past that library and I'm ahead. Well, in the future my 16 year old self imagined.

 

I often wonder what the ghost me would think, if I could rewind 8 years and be that 16 year old sat day dreaming out of the window with a pen in her hand. I wonder what would happen if I could see my future self as I am now, walking back to the apartment I now live in just a few doors down. I wonder what that 16 year old would see. Would I look at the woman I am now and think she is happy? Sadly, I don't think so. I'd be disappointed in what I had become, because what I am now is everything I never wanted and vowed to avoid. It's all my fault and I've let her down, she was so hopeful as well. What a stiff I've become.

 

Maybe you can tell, I'm in a really sour mood. I'm sad actually, really down.

 

I hate the changing moods I go through. This month - melancholy. Totally. I don't know where the hell I want to be or who the hell I am. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, comfort… I know truly I can only rely on this from myself. We're all our own worst critic and my critic is a cold hard b***h.

 

'It's not me you've let down, but yourself.' - behold the age old wisdom of every parent ever. It sums up my life.

 

I don't know what I thought. I was naive and pretty stupid. I honestly feel that deep down I believed everything would fall into place without even trying, like happiness was owed to me and therefore it would just be.

 

The truth is, when you're down, everyone else around you seems really happy and the feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming. Today, all my humour has gone and took a one way ticket right out of this self obsessed little town.

 

Me and this mood plus idiots for clients = somebodies gonna feel some wrath.

 

Pathetically, I can't even give these d***s the wrath they deserve. I'm not even assertive enough to do that and for once stand up for myself. I just take it and wonder why I'm even smiling. I take my own wrath out on myself.

 

Yesterday was no good. In all the history of my working life (since I was 16), I have dealt with the joys, the absolute f****in' joys of the general public. I tell you what, this guy topped the list as officially the rudest and biggest w****r I've ever dealt with, and I've dealt with chauvinistic pigs in lap dancing bars and the dregs of benefit customers who beat their kids. This was low.

 

His bad attitude just hit me like a slap in the face and I ended up telling him he was being very rude. Okay, I'm not the brightest but I'm not stupid (I hope… is it like the crazy person philosophy where the thing about crazy people is they don't know they're crazy?!), but this guy was patronising, degrading and calling me an idiot who didn't know how to do my job to my face. Let's put aside this vile piece of c**p has no clue into the legalities of letting and property law, but he tried to preach the basic laws of my whole profession whilst his fat ugly mother heckled and nagged me. I just remember after telling him he was being rude and arguing a bit more I wrote his damned receipts out and found bizarre comfort in catching a glimpse of the watch D bought me for my 21st Birthday. Gucci, 120 diamonds. Cocktail watch. Very delicate. It's the only expensive thing I own and it was from a second hand antique shop. The stupid part of me thinks he saw my watch then shut up. He even thanked me. You see, diamonds are a girls best friend. Ha!

 

I fantasise of a scenario when I'm the boss apple sauce and I could just tell him "You don't like it? Then don't move in! See ya! Oh and f***k off!" No marks for being professional, but I'm so tired of being 'professional'. Being professional sucks! It sucks big hairy sweaty balls! You know what, being professional is no fun and it's definitely no way of life. It's some western oppressing s**t right there and the worst part of it is, once you've been in that mode for so long it becomes part of your damn personality! It's like it seeps right into your genetic makeup! My DNA has strands for the gene to smile when being insulted and the urge to ask people if you can help when really you want to do the opposite.

 

Oh god, I'm not going to go on. I'm in a bad mood. I'm seething and it happened yesterday and now it's the afternoon. I need to get over myself.

 

To defend the last shred of decency I might have, I must say that I am actually a fairly good and nice person and that I'm not upset because of some crummy client. It's all the other things piled on top and this was the event that pushed me over the edge and I guess I'm just trying to let it all out and shake myself down and out of this nasty funk of a mind set.

 

Oh, and one of my friends suggested therapy. Rock bottom.

 

Everyone says I look so well but inside I feel so sick. I used to believe if you can fool yourself you can fool anyone. Well, I can't fool me and I definitely can't fool D. Not only does he not need this now due to pressures with business, but it's not fair on him. I want to be his rock too. I want to be the wife he can rely on, not the wife who causes more problems and adds to his stress.

 

Well, lunch is nearly over. The only plus for today is I've eaten super healthy. Low fat low salt low everything cardboard rice cakes (x4) and a vegetable thai green curry with brown rice. Oh yes. The only thing to make it perfect would be a bit of exercise, but I'm going to go back and rot at a desk whilst I drown my sorrows in low fat mocha. Oh, but I'll get my glamour hits one way or another, don't you worry. The glamour and sass in life is not over for me, I refuse, REFUSE! to let that red head in the library down. It's never too late to get it back.

 

When I'm typing at work and I'm feeling flat lined, sometimes for no reason I look down at my hand and see dark red nails and my wedding ring sparkling at me. It could be made out of Haribo jelly for all I care, but it fills me with a minute of warmth and happiness that keeps me going throughout the day. It's all in the little moments of relief. My watch and ring are for protection, and it's protection from slipping into a mournful sadness and ungratefulness that seems to be threatening to take over. Every time I see them I'm reminded of D and it makes me smile inside.

 

Diamonds are like stars, and stars are lovely. They're free and beautiful and the most glamorous of finishes in that black velvet sky. I salute you, all you different types of sparkles, you bring a little reflective glimmer of sun light into my life.

 

Over and out,

 

Lo x

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Just re-read my previous entry with fresh eyes after a lovely weekend and I really am a brat.

 

I don't know why I go through such mood swings. This sounds like a complete cop out but I do think my crazy hormones have a lot to do with it. I need control and I need it now!

 

Friday night kicked off with my most sophisticated friend hosting a psychic night at her new house. It's not my cup of tea at all and I definitely do not believe it. Each hour long session with the psychic was done in an upstairs private room. Energies, healing, aura's, crystals and lavender oil - the whole shebang. I only touched a few nibblies and wore a quirky skirt I've been dying to debut. I mingled with a few new people and had a great night apart from the fact it was pretty much a psychic party, whatever that is (I should know, I went to one, but I still don't understand).

 

Saturday was the best Saturday I've had in a long time. I went to the office for two hours and then came home to spend the whole day in bed with Dave. It was cool outside and the weather was grey, but spending the whole afternoon watching bad crime drama's and making love is the best. It's such an old school thing we used to do that I realised only when we were doing it how little we do it! When I was 20 I used to skip work and call in sick and he'd scold me for a few minutes, then roll into me and start to snuggle and then we'd watch some useless series we were addicted to until it had finished and then end up having cosy, romantic sex.

 

Towards night time I would then start to get this sick 'going back to school' feeling at the thought of having to face work the next morning. Nothings changed and that was a different job. Oh general public. Oh typical me.

 

I managed to get pretty much everything in order with the apartment on Sunday. Had a short but sweet lay in and then was like a machine all day. I looked after D and tended to his needs whilst he relaxed in his pjama's all day and did some work on the laptop but mostly watched corny 90's crime drama's.

 

I kind of went on a bit of a mission. By the afternoon I was lagging so I had two red bulls and then I was away till 11pm. I cleaned the car out, swept the alley way to our front door, re-touched part of the alley with paint, weeded the back yard and swept all the cobbles, cleaned the whole flat, unblocked the bathroom sink, organised the kitchen cupboards, did a massive mountain of ironing, washed and ironed the bed sheets so we had fresh sheets for the week and even hoovered the loft. I kinda went a little nutty and tranced whilst I mentally ticked off all my 'To Do' lists in one day. I also managed to wash my hair and put a face pack on before bed and, extra wifey points, wear a red lace baby doll with red lipstick to bed. Yes, I lived the life of a perfect 50's housewife but only for a day… ha.

 

My clothes and shoe situation is getting much better. I managed (with the help of D) to condemn a load of stuff I was convinced I would wear again to the car boot sale. We're hopefully able to go next weekend with a load of other household stuff we were mindlessly hoarding and get a little cash back. It's quite therapeutic having a sort out and being ruthless. I've really been in the mood for it. In fact, tonight I'm going to go back through my wardrobes and draws and be extra ruthless and get rid of anything I really don't need. I dream of a minimalist wardrobe with space between the hangers and only some good quality essential pieces that I can mix and match with anything. Sigh. The mind of an OCD shopaholic girl. I really hate myself sometimes, I really do.

 

On another note, I really don't want to give the impression I own a stack of designer stuff and I'm a pampered young wife of a wealthy business owner. D does very well but goes through very quiet patches, he has a lot of stress he never tells me about and is always putting any excess money he earns back into the business leaving us pretty short - a lot.

 

Me on the other hand, I am obsessed with the sales, especially at ASOS, and have refused for years to pay more than £40 for a dress. I own three designer items, two that are watches and both were gifts from D. They also came from an antique shop so they're second hand - nothing to be flash about. The other is a little 50's style mock crocodile box handbag. Nothing insane.

 

I kinda feel like that cocktail watch D bought me calms me down. Anything with any sentimental value casts exactly the same magic over me.

 

I remember my mum gave me a thin artistic type pale blue shirt from Chealsea Girl. By the time I got my hands on it at 12 it must have been 20 years old at least and worn by her countless times. I wore that thing to death, literal death. It got ripped all the way up the back but I still cannot throw it out and never will. I had one of my first casual dates with D in it and he has a picture of me wearing it in a field with high waisted denim jeans sucking my finger - (why?!). Anyway, every time I wore that floaty shirt I felt wrapped up in comforting love. It's such a weird feeling to describe, but it has exactly the same effect on me as the watch D gave me.

 

I'm totally blabbing worse than ever and this whole journal's gone down hill like my mind.

 

I need to get out of this bath and drink my coffee. Note to self: stop drinking so much caffeine.

 

Lo x

Edited by mylolita
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Today is dark and grey and I don't mind at all.

 

C starts work at the flat for D in a few hours so I left all the low lighting on in the living room and it looks so wintery! I took D's mum's dog for a walk yesterday on my day off and just loved walking through the forest. That contrasts of bright green leaves forming a canopy over your head and the browns and golds of dead autumn leaves blanketing the floor is beautiful. It really is the end of summer and the last half of the leaves are hanging on.

 

Me and D went round for a meal at my mum and dads on Monday night. I'll admit - I was worried. There's always this hanging tension of an impending argument that I can never be bothered with. It makes me tired and fed up. I left after a few hours, which means my sister didn't have time to build up her normal drama routine and turn on the tears.

 

I'm having one of those mornings before work where I try to do everything and be a perfect wifey but I always end up cutting it fine getting into work. So far, I've hoovered, done last nights washing up and re-arranged some flowers in the fire place. I'm now planning on washing my hair and painting my nails before work. God, I'm boring. I should of started this journal when I actually had a life which was a good few years ago when I was a young 19 year old hot head.

 

Deep down, I'm naturally very mischievous and always have been, ever since I was a kid. I used to lead quite a little mischievous life, but lately, it's kind of draining away and I want it back.

 

All I've wanted to do in life was have a giggle and humour has been my weapon of choice. In Primary School I teamed up with the most cheeky and giggly of them all, a gay (obvious even then) little boy called R who wasn't too smart but was loads of fun. We used to gossip about the Spice Girls, practise their dance routines, play witches and always giggle and nudge each other in class. We were forever getting told off but I couldn't see the point of all the seriousness at 7. I remember every day crying with laugher. What I wasn't to know is that things just keep getting more serious and being able to poke fun at yourself or see the funny side is a tool you call upon more and more as you get older and older.

 

I've slipped into reminiscing (it's a hobby) and need to stop. I don't have time this morning.

 

You ever just feel like you deserve something? A break in life, or a nice house, or some financial boom, just because you're a good person? Overall, I'm an okay person. So where's my nice 4 bed house with fire places in each bedroom and a lovely stone front? The world doesn't owe me anything and thats pretty mean of it. I was reading an article a few days back about the 'Law Of Attraction', supposedly championed by people like Oprah Winfrey and Jim Carrey. I wonder if there's any self fulfilling prophecy in it?

 

The one main thing I wanted in life was to fall in love and have them love me the same way in return. It's all I lived and obsessed over for 18 years. I got it and I still obsess now. I made it my life's work and wishing and hoping might of constructed the steps to me finding my dream without making an actual plan. Is that baloney? I'm not sure.

 

Anyway, I wish the Law Of Attraction would magic me up a few hours. Stop talking! I'm late.

 

Lo x

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I had a great walk after work this afternoon and listened to a recording on thinking positive. I downloaded it about a year ago when I was ready to kick start my usual draggy way of thinking and start a fresh new way of seeing things. Needless to say I listened to it once and it was left in the dark dark depths of my unlistened tunes in forgotten playlists.

 

I feel fab after hearing it and ready for some progress. I think if I listened to it every day the uplifting message might just seep into my subconscious.

 

Looking forward to Friday night and having a glass of wine with Miss G, snuggling up to D tonight and the possibility of a new and much better paying job. We also might be re-locating this year or next. I have a lot to look forward to.

 

Feeling better.

 

Lo x

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It's BigKK and his overthinking... had a good spree of over-the-top can't get her off my mind I want to breath the same air as her feeling for awhile, but it's subsided back to normalness. You're welcome to check it out, I have my crazy days still

 

As far as your latest entries, it sounds like you need some kind of excitement and you're being complacent perhaps. If life is boring you, then stir it up... do something random and wild, you're allowed to. I agree with the positive message, it may come off as too "Self-helpy" at times, but it's better to listen to something positive that might motivate you than a recording of someone telling you "why bother, we're all gonna die anyway, what's the use, it's going to all end badly" etc etc etc. I experience these kind of people all the time, and they often times blame the universe for everything. Your 4 bedroom is achievable but you're gonna have to put a few things in motion to get it.

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Hi Big,

 

I think thats called being in love I have had a read through from start to finish and am (at the moment) a silent enjoyer of your over thinking! I've found a lot of people on here seem to have one thing in common - we all over analyse everything! It's crazy.

 

You're exactly right about the complacency, thats me all over. What it boils down to is laziness and the fear of change. I totally agree with the self help 'corniness' but it's really started to lift my spirit. Even if it only works in the short term, as you say, it's better than negativity. I don't want this journal to be a place where I simply moan about everything and never see the bright side.

 

Cheers again for the input, always appreciated.

 

Lo x

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Through all the dreary drag of my day to day fumbling, one clear image keeps swelling up into the forefront of my mind. I can't seem to shake it and it's been with me all my life. The minor details change, but the concept remains the same.

 

I've had two of these reoccurring images in my life. The first was I always dreamt that one day I'd find the love of my life and it would work. I never expected Prince Charming, even then I don't think I was that naive. Both my parents were and are still together in a healthy, strong relationship, but other friends mums and dads had split up or had new girlfriends or boyfriends that would slouch at the school gates behind the 'real' parent. It was hard to get my head around at the time, but deep down I knew the Disney films were exaggerated and that one day I couldn't grow up to be Ariel and live under the sea.

 

It didn't stop me mentally playing out a cinematic scene in my head where I would look at this mysterious man and be hit by the connection.

 

As time ticked on and I found myself leaving little school and starting big school, I knew I couldn't settle for second best. I was 12 and everyone was having their first proper kiss. My friend Anya at the time was another of those mischievous types that bewitched me with her reckless nature and don't give a f***k attitude. She was the opposite to me and we both got along on a strange level, apart from the clashes which would happen big style and eventually end up with us never speaking again even to this day.

 

We'd walk over the train tracks via this stocky iron bridge which was always painted blue. In winter it was beautifully bleak and man made, standing out against the miles of weeds and berry bushes that lined the tracks. She always used to snog some guy from a year above there and I wouldn't know where to look or what to do. I was in awe and I was terrified at the same time.

 

Her dad was split from her mum and he'd rock up in a white BMW with music blasting. I will always the remember the way his car smelt - always of new car. He wore black leather driving gloves and liked designer jackets. He was tanned from working away and Anya's other older and much cooler friend obviously fancied him. He'd let us go get hot chocolate in the winter and drop me home from school. The ride in that car was smooth and luxurious. God, she was so cool. Even her dad was cool. I was jealous.

 

So everyone was at everyone. Boys chasing girls and girls chasing boys. Thats the only thing school revolved around and when picking new shoes or a coat thats all you were thinking about - if it hugged your figure or made you look hot.

 

Suddenly I was a teenager and I'd still never kissed anyone. I felt like any time anyone saw me my whole being screamed 'VIRGIN!'. I thought I wore it on my sleeve and maybe I did until I was 16 and slowly started to not care about what everyone else was doing. I think some slow realisation set in that I didn't have to do what everyone else was doing and my quiet confidence grew. I was still a virgin in every sense, but the way I thought about myself shifted and I knew it wouldn't always be that way, that I just needed time.

 

I got asked out quite a lot and had one genuine marriage proposal. I don't think I'm everyone's cup of tea but when I am guys tended to become obsessed. Maybe it's because I wouldn't give it up, who knows. Maybe it's because I was that quirky redhead and they were curious.

 

College started and a few of the most popular inner circle would come up to me and start to talk. Most of them would ask me where I'd got my shoes or bags from and then try and copy me. Some of them would compliment me. I felt truly independent and separate from everyone else. I only had Miss G as a true close friend and a hand full of people I hung around with when I saw them. Most of the time I was alone. Still no kiss, still no boyfriend, still a virgin.

 

I couldn't shake this image out of my head, this sweet roll of film that kept playing on and on in my mind in a gorgeous loop. I could see myself happy and meeting a man. And he was a man, not a boy. I expected it to happen and I kind of knew it would. I didn't know when or how, but I knew he wasn't at my college.

 

I hit 18, got a new job in a club and everyone called me Frenchie there because I was skinny and looked 'French'. I felt more accepted in this adult world and suddenly no one was a kid anymore. I didn't feel like a kid. And then one night D came in with a friend and the rest is history. I didn't get my Prince Charming, I didn't want one, but I got my man.

 

And back to this image that keeps resurfacing. The second one, the one that doesn't involve love.

 

I keep seeing myself in a huge house with beautiful artistic decor. I see a claw bath tub in the middle of a large bathroom with double glass doors opened out onto a cast iron balcony. I see the breeze flutter the white hazy voile, and I see my toes peeking out above the water.

 

What am I saying? That I expect to be rich and be taking a bath in a beautiful room? Deep down, I do expect it. I expect it to happen. I don't know how it's going to happen, or when or why. Just like all things in life, surprises are nice… well, the good ones anyway.

 

The logical, cold part of me doubts and asks me how I'm getting there, but the creative and confident portion of me says it just will. Whether this is stupid, right or wrong, wishful thinking, who knows - all I know is that I can't get it out of my head. Even on a dark morning like today, where I sit in my own humble bathtub with the light on and the sound of traffic outside, I can see the breeze peacefully moving the voile.

 

Lo x

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Ah why thank you and welcome. We are over-thinkers and I think at the age of 29 I am just coming to terms of it that my brain needs to have a lot on it's plate to stay satisfied. My closest friend and I both help each other realizing how we operate and try to work on becoming better. He'll check my thoughts and try to guess why I'm feeling or thinking the way I am, and I do the same for him...we've known each other our whole lives and my mom often makes fun of the two of us for being over sensitive. I remember I had a guidebook to dogs that my dad made me study religiously before I was allowed to have a pet, I picked the German Shepard, and feel as though my brain operates a lot like a German Shepard. I'm really on a tangent since I'm inputting this after writing my initial response, and shows how "ADD" I can be but I find it funny I can describe myself like one of my pets "The German Shepherd does make a phenomenal family companion, but as a working breed they thrive when they are active and given some sort of job to do." More or less that's me. Anyway time to go stir up some more "projects."

 

I want a bathtub like that too! I don't think I'm getting it for another ten years, but it's going to happen. I am quite amazed that you reflect on your childhood a lot Lo, you seem to have a good memory for it and bring it up a lot...I'm not saying it's a bad thing but just an observation. As for you in school I felt the same way, this quiet polite boy that always did what he's told and was always behind on everything... chasing girls, kisssing, drinking, etc I have been a late bloomer and was insecure about it for awhile until one day I realized that that's just me, and the people that get me love me for it. Even though now I am more corrupted or have been than most. Regardless I don't think your image is a bad one and not unachievable but I wonder if you simply associate this with success or happiness. The trick is we always reset our happiness baseline so once you get that claw leg bathtub you might need the golden curtains to really tie it all in, and perhaps a summer house with beautiful gardens to relax away from the home. I guess I don't have a point except that once we get our dream sometimes it's like we're never happy and need to find the next mission, I know this is the case with myself and physical possessions, they're little jolts of dopamine that tend to wear off fairly quick, I know there's studies about it, and don't mean to talk down about a claw foot bathtub since I want one too.

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>>Deep down, I do expect it. I expect it to happen. I don't know how it's going to happen, or when or why. Just like all things in life, surprises are nice… well, the good ones anyway.

 

You know, I've achieved a lot in my life, and most of my hopes/goals so far. But i don't do it by expecting the universe to just hand it to me. I am no more deserving of having something handed to me than someone else. Sometimes you get handed good things, and sometimes bad things happen, but the MOST good things will happen if you realize you make plans, set goals, and you might have to work for them.

 

So you want a nice house and to have a lot of money. What can you do NOW to break your life into small goals that will get you there? For example, you talk about wanting to be a stripper/dancer. How about instead of that (which is a short term career and will 'expire' by the time you're 30), you instead use your spare time to go back to school and get a career that you know will pay off in 5 or 10 years and let you and your husband buy that nice house? Or return to stripping for only one year, saving every dime so that you can support yourself long enough in school to get a really well paying career that will pay you for life. There are so many ways to go to school these days where you can work and go to school, and frequently totally online so you don't even have to attend classes, but can study on your lunch hour and anytime you have a free moment, rather than sitting at home just daydreaming and waiting for your husband to come home.

 

I think this is a wonderful time in your life (being a newlywed), but you will get bored and dissatisfied very quickly if you don't start setting reasonable goals (small goals that will lead to bigger goals like getting your house) and using your time wisely. Because the reality is that MANY people dream of things that will never happen for them if they don't set themselves on the right path to setting goals and meeting goals that will take them closer to the larger end goals.

 

i think it makes you feel special to remember you dreamed of a Prince Charming and got one, and you think that must be some evidence that all your other wishes will come true, but honestly, 95% of the population meets their Prince/Princess Charming and marries them, so it doesn't reflect any special power that you have to attract a husband in a special way. Only 5% of the population doesn't eventually marry, and most of them because they don't want to.

 

Success is about 'doing' special and not just 'feeling' special. How about you spend some time working on a budget, determining how much money you'll need to buy that house, looking a careers and schools that will be able to pay you well for a lifetime rather than just for a few more years as a stripper. That will be a more sure road to success than just assuming you'll be rich because you dream about it and want to be.

Edited by lavenderdove
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